Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
NPD QUIZ- INTERESTING
I took the quiz.
I am not a Narc!
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/quiz-npd.htm
SITC
The court date for the Order of Protection.
THE END….The disordered one RAGES IN FRONT OF A JUDGE
First off the court time was Xam, I arrived on time, a court advocate met me on time
The judge didn’t start calling cases until XXX, he rolled in 35 minutes late
For a few minutes before I saw him I actually thought he would not show up, of coarse he did.
I sat on the left side towards the middle he sat on the right side towards the front.
I nudged the court advocate that he walked in.
I observed him for a few minutes while waiting for our case to be called and looked and looked away 3 or 4 times.
It was such a strange feeling to see the man I thought I loved with all my heart, the one that gave me a beautiful diamond ring just 11 months ago siting on in a courtroom, now my enemy, the respondent.
A few milliseconds of guilt and then it happened…reality.
The judge calls our case and he jumps up and rushed through the swinging gate between the seating area and the judges bench.
The court advocate and I were right behind him.
Instead of holding the gate for us, he let it slam and we were on.
I looked at the advocate and she gave me a it’s ok, lets take care of business look.
We approached the bench and the judge asked us to raise our right hands and tell the truth, state your name..then she asked me if I wanted to continue the case.
I said yes..
She then asked the respondent if he was served with the court papers. He said yes.
She then asked him if he wanted to agree to the order or request a hearing.
He said yes lets do a hearing because all I had written in the order was “ludicrous” that he never wanted to see me again and that I was driving past his house and that my cop friends were coming to his house and harassing him.
I jumped in at that point and said excuse me your honor I request a continence on the hearing, that I was not prepared with my evidence.
The judge granted it for a later date and then respondent lost it.
He started talking over the judge and saying he was going to Florida on Tuesday.
Judge asks when is he coming back, he says never that he is moving there(OK he has moved to Florida several times already including M4 months ago) but this time really moving I guess.
The judge told him that the hearing would go on without him on the later date and a default agreement would be entered in if he was not there.
Then he talks about he is disabled and never wants to see me again so go ahead and just complete it now.
He then TOLD the judge to tell me to stop driving past his house and she looked at me and in a winking way said Ms. X can you please stop driving past Mr. X home and I said that I would(of coarse I had not)
He kept ranting about how the words in the order were ludicrous and the judge read aloud the terms of the 2 year order.
He then left without even getting any paperwork.
The court advocate who I’m sure the respondent thought was my attorney was amazing and took care of the paperwork, the clerk prepared the order and we left the courtroom.
I thought he would be waiting outside the courtroom but he was gone.
I am so glad that I did go to court because he has turned into..ok I take that back, has shown me the person he really is and it’s a scary and very sick person who is very unpredictable.
The end.
Stronginthecity
Strong,
Yay! You did it and held strong!!! I’m so happy for you. Thanks for sharing your story!
I am not at all surprised by his lies or reaction. Keep in mind he may not actually be moving to Florida. If he lied about other things, why not that? I’m glad the judge saw through him and that your advocate was so supportive.
I’ve been advised that when facing these men in court (and because they’re control freaks of course they show up!) that the best thing to happen is for their mask to slip and show their anger. Didn’t take your ex long!
I hope you’re able to relax more now. Still, keep your eyes open for a bit just in case.
Xoxoxoxo
KeepingOn,
Thank you for the support!
IDK what his plans are but I know what mine are!
That’s exactly where I want and need to be.
Eyes wide open!
XOXO
Stronginthecity
KeepingOn,
If the friend of the friend is a true professional,he should not be discussing your testing or anyone else with anyone..
Yeah it sucks that you saw him there but it’s done and no your ex should not know anything you do.
I am so glad that you are taking care of yourself.
YOU are what matters, right??
Hugs to you!!!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Keepingon and remembertoforget,
Hi there!
Laying low past few days and hoping that if there was one word of truth he is leaving town…who knows but it’s gorgeous weather here and I am going to take advantage of it(try to) anyway.
Everyday is getting better and better as the fog is lifting and feeling better everyday.
KO, I hope you are feeling better and work is going ok.
Remember, keep up the good work at your new job.
Hugs!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Thanks Strong,
All is well but I’ve discovered that I’m being hacked more. And after I’ve taken SO many steps. Sigh….so I figure I can:
A. Stop using electronics/any means of the Internet
B. Day Friday it and keep doing what I’ve been doing
C. Make changes AGAIN and see if I succeed.
There’s like no escaping this man. Which is stupid because I know he doesn’t care, it’s all about control. What I tell my close friends about his hacking…I’m like just another Facebook to him. He figures out an account/password/new number and game on. May as well check up on me…nothing better to do while he’s on his computer and cell phone ALL day. Stupid control freak.
He managed to hack two accounts I use from a safe device. Didn’t think it was possible. I was wrong. How does he find my info out?? Soooo over this shit.
He’s pathetic. I’m not making more changes or isolating myself right now. Going to sit on it. Funny thing is I’m not angry, I’m not numb, I just think he’s ridiculous.
I only wrote this so I can go to bed with a clear mind and sleep well.
Okay, maybe I’m not angry but irritated for sure. Thanks for reading!
I reread what I posted. For B.) I meant to say Don’t care about it, not Day Friday. Lovely auto correct…
KeepingOn,
You are incredibly strong to put up with this as you have.
Try not to give any more power to this psycho.
Maybe time to speak with someone other than the police.
I know when my insurance company was hacked, the FBI worked along side the company to find out where the hack came from and punish as necessary.
Something to think about???
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Thanks Strong,
To be honest, I’m just irritated by having to make more changes and have not yet considered whether or not I’ll pursue him legally.
I’m going to sit on it for now. Until then I’m keeping on!
I still have a great life. I am blessed.
Eyes wide open , that’s exactly how I still live almost 3 years after the discard, almost 2 years after divorce. My so. Just received a letter from the evil monster. Of course he portrays himself as a victim , how he is hurt and how he did not have any other choice. Blah, blah. We know the truth. It was his and only his choice to cheat, lie , betray ,abonden us. Like someone here said before. “A loving father does not do evil.” I learned to let God fight my enemies. It’s completely out of my hands. I will never have contact with the devil again. For 20 years he tried to have me live the darkness but now I am in the light.
It’s amazing how they portray themselves as victims. My ex husband did the same in court. Poor him, poor cop who had affairs with his co workers , all manipulation. All making crazy games.
Only when I removed myself out of this toxic situation, did I realize , that I am not at fault. That I am not crazy of insane. It was only him and no one else. He was my enemy then, he still is now and he will always be. And communicating with your enemy equals talking to the devil.
kaya48,
Hi there.
Yes..I was granted a 2 year order of protection and I do realize it’s a piece of paper, but it’s a piece of paper that means if he violates it, he gets arrested.
What it means to me is that I too am done with the lies,drama, crazy making behavior and all around BS from this highly disordered person.
Yes, removal from them allows you to focus all of that energy back on to self care and living your life without these insane nut jobs.
I pray daily and thank God for leading me to this path and directing me to use my intuition that I have always had, but always wanted to believe that people can not be THAT horrible..
YES THEY CAN and we need to stay away from them.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
kaya48,
Here is to another glorious day without the disordered one in our lives!
Cheers!!
I was reading the article in Donna’s newsletter about the rituals to make you happy.
I am going to implement each and every one of these.
Gratitude.. I have been practicing that one for awhile now and it’s very helpful.
I am grateful for being alive, for having a home and food in my fridge to eat.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
FBI Bulletin on PSYCHOPATHY-Interesting read.
https://leb.fbi.gov/2012/july/leb-july-2012
Strong
You are so right. Every day of my new life is amazing. And yes I am so grateful for the little things I have in my life. Because material things can just disappear in a few seconds. I have lost so much in this divorce , but it is all replaceable. Had he not abondened me I would not be alive today. His goal was to destroy me, to put an end to me. And he did not succeed. God was fighting this war for me. One of my favorite scriptures is:
“For the Lord your God is he who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies, to give you the victory ” .
Deuteronomy 20:4
To this day, looking at my framed final divorce decree, I feel victorious. To be strong enough to finally stand up for myself. And I don’t miss him because there is nothing good about him. Being lied to and cheated on is something I did not deserve. Nobody deserves this kind of behavior. And I still believe there is so much I don’t even know what happened in those 20 years. But that’s in the past. I am going forward. It has been almost 3 years and still don’t have any desire to date or any relationship with a man. For right now I want to focus all my good energy on myself. Something I forgot to do during my marriage. Because the craziness he created occupied my life 24/7. Instead of focusing on myself I tried to please him, to make him happy. In the end I wax thrown out like the mc Donald’s paper bag. Now I take it as s blessing , as a gift. Because my son and I are free now to be ourselves again.
This website has helped me tremendously to stay strong , to keep no contact and to learn and educate myself. And it also taught me to forgive myself for allowing g his abuse. I know he will never take responsibility for his actions. And I accepted it and answered it with my silence , my closure, my ending.
kaya48,
Amen.
Hugs to you and your son.
Many blessings to you.
Life is beautiful!
I too have negative interest in any type of relationship or even a friendship with men right now.
Much work still to do.
Now is my time.
I am grateful everyday for…everything!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
I have just discovered that i have been love scam. I feel so shattered and broken now. I have been crying for the past few days and i really dont know how to get out of this shitty situation. Although i know that the guy is a con artist, for some reason, i still missed him so much that i keep looking at his pictures. The irony part is that i have never met him in person and all i have is just his photos which i cant even confirm if he is a real person. Yet, i still so drawn into him. How can a person like me be so stupid? How can a person at my age still be conned because of the word love? How could i ignore all the red flags that have been showing? What is exactly wrong with me? I feel that i don’t deserve to live at all. He has taken away two third of my life savings and now that i am not working, i dont know how long my remaining savings can last me and my children. It is not easy for me to get a job at my age as I have tried looking for a job for last six months. So far i havent had any luck to go for an interview with any company. Now that this thing has happened, my mind is completely blank. How am i going to pick myself up again. I feel so extremely depressed now!
Losthope – I am so sorry for your situation. Please know that you are not alone, if it’s any consolation. These people are so good. I have heard of many cases like yours.
First of all, have no more contact with him. Break it off. He will just keep trying for more money. Also beware if someone contacts you saying he can get your money back – it is a continuation of the scam.
Report him to the IC3 – internet crime complaint center
http://www.ic3.gov/default.aspx
We have many articles that may help you understand what happened. Read the category “hooked by a sociopath” in the post archives. There’s a link in the red footer at the bottom of the page.
Essentially, these people hijack the human bonding process, and use our empathy and trust against us.
Oh, and that photo probably isn’t him.
Best wishes
Donna
Donna,
Excellent link!
SITC
Losthope.
Please listen to Donnas advice and report this person and do not give any more money to anyone.
I’m sorry this happened to you.
If he called you change your phone number and .
If you want confirmation the picture is a fake, just do a Google pics search..
My sister actually was a victim of this and even after I proved his picture was a fake she still did not believe it because these guys are so good and prey on your vulnerabilities.
Contact your States Attorneys office to see if there is compensation for crime victims.
See your primary care doctor and tell him/her what happened.
You are not stupid..again these guys are that good.
CON MEN…
XOXO.
Stronginthecity
KeepingOn,
You go girl!
Yes, blessed and healthy!
I feel the same way.
My entire thought process has changed and it just happened (after I dumped and took the spath to court of coarse)
But that’s what I had to do, I had NO CHOICE at that point.
You will know when you get to that point.
Don’t worry be happy!
XOXO
Stronginthecity
Keeping On, Strong,
Woah!! So, once again I thought nobody was posting, and so I looked in my spam folder, and there were all these posts. Geez!
My email app had updated so I guess that’s what happened.
I have been super busy at work as of last week. I am thrilled! So much better then the non productive place/position I was in before.
There are shit stirrers at this place, but I was able to identify them quickly and I stay away. Actually, the negative nellies are the men!
KO, I am just so glad it was all benign. I hope that ex shipped out of the country. Sorry to hear again about the technical hackery that you encountered! The ex wacko I was with is all day everyday on technical devices too!
I like what Kaya said… he was my enemy then and always will be.
I like to remember that. I feel I must always classify him as an enemy. After all, he treated me as such.
Strong, I use the saying from a video you told me about… how to get revenge on a narcissist. Crickets. I say that in my head whwn I find myself thinking of him.
We will all be ok!
I do practice gratefulness every single day.
We are freeeee, and oh so much better off.
Hugs and prayers and well thoughts to you all.
🙂
Remember!
So great to hear from you! And awesome you are able to recognize the “shit stirrers”. Haha! I’ve noticed a big shift in my life (stalking aside), not only am I able to recognize the bad ones out there but am confirmed over time. Like my boss. It gives me strength in my gut and myself.
So…I went on a date Saturday. Wasn’t sure if it was a date, more of a getting to know each other from a mutual friend. It’s been a while….I had fun! I don’t see a future with him but I feel like it’s good for me. He seems nice but is already pushing my bounderies. Ex, I’ve told him I’ll hang out soon and he wanted to see me the next day and keeps texting. I expressed I want to go slow and I’m giving it space.
It feels good to have bounderies and stick to them. I’ve expressed what I want and if he doesn’t listen…goodbye and farewell!
I’m more and more realizing the lack of bounderies I had. I was clueless! Who knew?
Good for you for staying away from the shit stirrers. They’re everywhere, unfortunatley!
What video that Strong recommended brings up the crickets? Please share!
Thank God we are free. We still may struggle but we are free. Even with stalking, it may get to me from time to time but I don’t have to ride that roller-coaster everyday! THANK GOD.
KeepingOn,
Here is a link to the video about best revenge on a spath:::
It’s crickets…chirping!
https://youtu.be/tx-RV4i6p0E
Enjoy!
SITC
Remember
I let God deal with my enemies. I will not engage or communicate with my ex husband , my only enemy. I know that my ex husband can’t feel the pain of my wounds like I do . He was never honest with himself and was never honest with me, period. I stopped trying to “talk” to him shortly after he abondened us. I used to pretend that he was speaking the truth. But in reality he was a liar and always will be a liar. “No river of tears, no impassioned pleas, no personal sacrifices , nothing will ever “fix” him. He will never care about my pain and has never cared about me. The truth is the fact.
For me , my ex does not exist , he is not among the living. He is, in essence, deceased.
It was very difficult for me to accept the truth. But it’s the only way we can go on and create a better life for us, for our children. I would not trade my new life for my past. In August of 2013 I made a plea to never talk to him again, to never let him disrespect me or call me crazy or mentally insane and I pledged that I will be happier without him in my life.
Over 2 years later, I can honestly say that I accomplished this. I am happy , sane and at peace. And one thing I will always remember. “Whatever comes out of his mouth is worthless “
kaya48,
Hugs to you!
Reading your posts exudes an enormous amount of strength, determination and courage.
Making a vow to say NO MORE and sticking to it?
Way to go!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
And also there is an important fact. If you are married to one, you need a very good attorney to help you through legal proceedings. Divorce is already very difficult , but divorcing a liar and cheater takes it to new levels. On your own , you are vulnerable to their attacks, to their lies, to their manipulation. And they do try to manipulate judges and court. I had a very gois attorney on my side, who looked out for my interests , for my future. And that guaranteed my victory. For once my ex husband realized that he under estimated me.