Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Life after the spath..
Things are slowly calming down.
I still research here and there.
I have defiantly slowed down, ya know to smell the roses.
I am grateful and peaceful and most importantly I have learned and know that walking away from a toxic relationship regardless of boyfriend, family or even an acquaintance is OK!!
I no longer feel like I have to please anyone who makes me feel yucky.
I am who I am am this girl will NEVER IGNORE MY GOG GIVEN INTUITION ever again.
Hugs to all
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
So true. Life after the spath is calm, it is peaceful and full of joy and happiness. And also it is challenging at times. By no means was it easy for me to separate a life I created with him, a life I knew for 20 plus years, a life I was so used to. It sounds like I am strong and I admit going no contact with the person I was married to for over 20 years, the father of my only child, was the most difficult thing in my life. When I found out about his affairs, I was devastated. When he abondened us one March evening, my entire world shattered into pieces. Pieces I was not able to pick up , they would never fit together anymore. And even if I ‘clued them together”, the scars would have never “healed”. For all my life I did not know that my husband was capable of just walking out the door with the words ” I am not in love with you anymore.” Those words were more painful than finding his little minions “sexy” pictures. He attacked my entire belief system, my self worth, my everything.
For many months I had hope, false hope, that he would return with the words “I made a mistake,I do not want to lose my family.” But he didnt’t. Later I found out that I when I went to work every day like a zombie, he was having the time of his life with his girlfriend. He never saw my pain, my tears, my sleepless nights. He never saw how much he hurt my son, how my son did not like seeing me cry day and night. And even if he saw it, he would have not cared. Because he only cares about himself, his needs.
When I had this moment, when I saw the truth, when I sat across from my Attorney signing the divorce petition, it felt like this huge weight was gone. For the first time in many month I had a smile on my face, I went to work happy and calm, I slept 10 hours and I had no more tears left. I knew I was done.
Today, I don’t get stressed out anymore. Nothing can throw me of balance, I am strong in my own weaknesses. Because I have God on my side, then who can be against me?
I sometimes think back how he brought out the worst in me. Behavior I did not know I was capable of. I know what it was part of a game plan he had. He was able to tell “look how crazy my wife is , I have no other choice than to cheat and leave.” I will never forgive him for portraying me as a mentally ill person, for calling me crazy and insane for telling my son I need mental help. My son always knew the truth and will always stand by me to protect me and fight against the enemy.
This marriage was an illusion from day one, but it has taught me so much. Most of all Resilience – “An ability to recover from or adjust to misfortune or change. The capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress. “
kaya48,
Defiantly challenging for sure.
It’s a balance that at least for me I have to work on a daily basis.
I am truly sorry this has happened to you, terrible,atrocious behavior on his part and while he is whooping it up now the consequences down the road will be severe,
Sucks to be him.
My perception and morals have taken a 180 from when I was wrapped up in the drama and like you I found myself involved with behaviors I am embarrassed about now but I do forgive myself.He brought out the worst in me, some of my family members too.
I too ask God for guidance everyday to help me maintain balance and be the person that was lost for so long.
The path of destruction the disordered ones leave behind is one I will live my life to never experience ever again and all I have to do is be me.
Resilience indeed.
Your ex will most likely sit and wonder why he is may be excluded from your sons life at the choice of your son.
Hugs to you
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
I just read an article about consequences of cheating and betrayal:
You will become a liar. You will get caught. You will disappoint everyone. You will be a bad example. You will lose your morale authority. You will create trust issues for your spouse. You will lose your standard of living. You will spend years trying to rebuild your life. You will lose the love and respect of your children. You will lose relationships. You will increase your chances of getting an STD. The grass is not greener on the other side. You will then see that patch of land differently. You will eventually regret this decision. And in the end the pain outweighs the gain. You will go to hell.
Worse still—and it makes no difference whether you have an ordinary name like “Lisa Smith,” or an unusual one like “Shakoor Arline”—you may even end up dead!
I can’t believe that guy’s half-brother had the nerve to say “Neither of them did anything wrong that night!” Nothing they deserved to get murdered for, I dare say; but TWO people BOTH cheating on their partners are “doing nothing wrong”??? Some people have the morals of an alley cat.
Redwald,
I read that story…
Guess someone thought they were doing something wrong.
SITC
Strong thank you for your kind words. Yes I agree that I was the one who suffered tremendously after it all happened. But that was temporary. I think the long term consequences will affect him. I truly recovered. I did throw the pieces away and started new. And yes , I am not proud of the behavior he brought out in me. Never did I act like this before.
And I forgave myself for acting like this. His lying and cheating took all my dignity. But I am also glad that the little minion he met had so much power over him to leave his family. I used to hate her , thinking back she did me the biggest favor in the world. She saved my life. While I would never see her and I as friends , I do wish her the best in her “travels ” with him. He will never change be one day she will be replaced just as I was.
kaya48,
A wise woman here (Jan7) once said..it goes something like this
One thing the spath never counted on was us joining forces and supporting each other.
I do a lot of reading mostly on recovery and self care.
I wanted to share a YouTube channel I found today called Self-Care Haven.
I love her videos.
I know what I should be doing but lets face it our bodies have suffered severe trauma and its a day to day process and I always need reminders of the things that have worked before such as meditations(thank you remembertoforget and keepingon).
Some days are better than others.
Regarding the minion, happy travels to them___travel right on out of your life.
Hugs
XOXO
Stronginthecity
kaya48,Remembertoforget,KeepingOn and any one else interested!
Here is a link to a short meditation for trauma survivors.
https://youtu.be/fmsaBC65Jxw
Hugs to you all.
I would never have been able to do true no contact in all it’s powerful glory which means detaching emotionally without the support of everyone here.
XOXO
Stronginthecity
Hi Kaya48!
Am glad to read you here again and want to say that you remain my inspiration. I learned a lesson and advise people divorcing a sociopath to get a criminal attorney rather than a divorce attorney. My ex also uses alimony as a way to mess with me. I do not respond. There is a great deal of satisfaction found in knowing I’ve deprived him of fuel.
I will come back and write wishes for a wonderful holiday season.
Best,
nwhsom
So glad to hear from NWHSOM. I am so humbled that I can be an inspiration and occasionally I come back to encourage others in the contact. Everyone was such a support and help for me, that I feel grateful to all of you.
Yes, my ex always uses the alimony check to attach a little note to get a reaction out of me. I finally learned not to read them anymore. I was called a “bad mother”, a manipulator, a liar and of course a crazy b****. He labels me everything that would apply to him. With the encouragement of my attorney I do not read the notes any longer. Instead I file them away. Nothing good came out of my marriage of over 20 years, so definitely there is nothing positive about him now after the divorce.
A neighbor of mine, an older couple, said some wise words to me the other day. “When you are never satisfied with what you have, and always looking for better or bigger things, in the end, you will end up with nothing. ”
My ex wanted a younger wife, with longer hair, skinnier, etc. In return he ended up with nothing.
I am still strong , maybe stronger than ever, in my no contact. I am glad I could help with my advise. A criminal defense attorney is always more powerful, more successful than a family/divorce attorney. In my opinion it was my biggest advantage in divorcing this sociopath. He stood no chance against my attorney. And that is exactly what I needed. And whenever my ex tries to mess with court ordered things, my first call is my attorney. I will never give him one inch again. He will enter through that emotional door and most certainly it would be a mistake. Detaching or no contact will not eliminate their behavior, because their dysfunctional traits are cast in stone.
I “forced” my ex to live with the consequences of his actions. My silence gave me control and power. And I also learned that I am the sole person capable of “enforcing” the consequences of his actions. I was not able to control his lying and cheating and discarding us, but I CAN CONTROL what happens as a result of the decision he made.
Glad to hear that you are well. Life throws us many hardships. I honestly must say that what happened to me was more painful than what I ever experienced. But I survived it.
kaya48 and NWHSOM,
I will have to search through to see kayas posts.
You are 2 very strong and determined women!
What an excellent idea to hire a criminal attorney for your divorce, I don’t know the details but I’m certain it was necessary.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
***ALERT-ANOTHER REASON TO STAY AWAY FROM THE DISORDERED ONE AND THEIR PROMISCUOUS BEHAVIOR*******
I just read online that Charlie Sheen is going to reveal his medical condition.
Google it, since not officially announced I will not post here.
Not too shocked.
SITC
Strong
Thank you for your kind comment. I indeed feel like a strong woman , I even framed my final divorce decree and put it on the wall. It’s a daily reminder of how far I have come. From being this little “pathetic”, weak person who begged this evil man to come back home. Even after he cheated. And yes, I will never forgive for playing with my life. While I thought I was 100 percent safe with my husband, I wasn’t. Luckily I am ok but it could have turned out badly.
It’s has been almost 3 years now since he left and I would not go back to this craziness he created for anything. The discard came as an overwhelming shock to me. While he prepared his exit for months, if not years, I had no idea. He played me like a fool but in the end I won.
I “interviewed ” a few attorneys before retaining this special one. I found that a male, criminal defense lawyer would be the best “weapon” in my upcoming divorce war. And the minute I spoke with him I knew I was making the right decision. Not only was I divorcing a sociopath , at the same time I was divorcing a police officer. I needed the best Arsenal of weapons available. A woman lawyer might have been in awe of his handsome looks. Lol.
Believe me, it was an ugly divorce and many times he played the victim. And of course he played his cop card. But in truth nobody cared that he was a retired military first seargant, a deputy or whatever. In the end the truth came out. And it exposed him for what he really is. A liar and a cheater. Without my lawyer I would have not prevailed.
30 months of no contact this month. 🙂
I read this over and over at the beginning of my divorce proceedings. So true.
“He will also use fear in a different way by chipping away at your personality, independance and confidence so that you fear that you cannot cope in the big wide world in a life without him…but one thing is for certain – you can cope…and you will be a lot happier for it. “
kaya48,
I had a chance to look at some of your older posts and it looks like a lot of them were when I was with the spath(Eekkksss)
You are an amazingly strong woman!
Your lawyer, great choice!
SITC