Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Thanks so much. It’s a great compliment for me to be called strong. I had a rough time before I filed for divorce but knowing someone was on my side besides God, helped me to see everything clearly. With the filing I stopped thinking with my heart , instead I “used” my brain. Also my lawyer advised me to cut off all communication with the husband, delete all social media accounts which j did not have and let the attorneys talk. I first thought “site, this way the attorney makes more money”, but it was very beneficial for me to follow all of his advise. My husband would have saved all communication and then use it against me in divorce court. I did but give him one inch of opportunity to do that.
At first it was difficult then it became my new daily normal. After a few months I started to feel revived, energetic, hopeful and powerful. The divorce dragged on for over a year with many court dates. But I remained strong. My e. Had no power or control over me. His little minion posted several “cruise tickets ” on social media which we could use for wasting marital assets. My ex thought he was the most handsome , smartest gift for women. He thought he was God. It was almost a pleasure for me to see him get a little uncomfortable in court , a little “powerless”.
I am sorry to hear your story is similar. Inbred end we all have the same story and hopefully we all can have a great outcome like mine.
kaya48,
Do you feel like after going through all of this that you can conquer anything???
That everything else is pish posh???
I met with a domestic violence case manager from the court yesterday and her straight forward advice was very, very good.
Time for this girl to live like a single girl and get my butt out there and meet people and date!
It was a 2 hour long counseling with a lot of boundary work!
I was wondering if you were able to get this?
It’s State sponsored and free.
I found it through my cities domestic violence hotline.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong
Thanks so much for the info. I did go to counseling a few times after he left . Once I filed for the divorce I did feel like I could conquer anything that comes my way. The only area where I don’t feel as a “gladiator” is dating. Honestly I don’t desire a boyfriend. I want to focus all my good energy on myself and my son right now. Will it be hard to trust a man again? Absolutely. I am not ready for this challenge yet and I am perfectly fine being on my own.
The other day a coworker said “you are such a wonderful person , why not share this with a man”. Because honestly I am scared. I don’t know the dating world. I was married for almost all of my adult life. It’s a scary thought for me. I finally learned to accept myself again the way I am , the way I look. My ex criticized my looks for over 20 years. I was called fat at around 140 pounds , old at 40 something. , too many wrinkles , too short hair , boring etc. it took me almost 3 years to learn bond of it was true.
I used to value material things and money over my sanity and happiness and with his departure my entire though process has changed. I went from crying daily over his insults to sitting in church smiling over his blessed I am. Believe me nobody leaves their lawyers office smiling , but I did.
Sometimes I still have nightmares about my ex. Dreams that he is still my husband. And then I wake up. I see the sun and the blue sky or the Gulf of Mexico (where I live ) and I smile because it was just a dream. A nightmare. He does not exist for me any longer other than for sending my monthly alimony check. And that is all he is good for. Nothing else.
Please legend me know how it is to enter the dating world again and thanks for all your kind words.
Kaya48,
Ohh no!!! I do not desire any type of relationship right now or anytime soon.
Some companions would be nice but that will come in time.
I AM SINGLE!!!
It feels strange but lovely.
I was married very young and my daughter is married and starting her own journey.
I am free to do whatever I choose or not do anything if I please.
I do know how to implement and stick to my boundaries so I am not too scared when I am ready to start dating.
I will do the things I enjoy and if I meet someone during that then we will see.
The domestic violence counselor was the best advice and guidance I have received and it was free!
She was very nice and highly experienced, gave me real life things that I could implement right away.
Abusers are abusers….her advice could apply to any situation.
I sometimes worry about the spath but it goes away very quickly and done beating myself up over it.
It’s over. Done.
I thank God that he never moved into my home as planned, I thank God for many things.
I am grateful for so many things.
I still have nightmares too but it’s the minds way of releasing the yucky stuff.
Have a wonderful day!
SITC
I just remembered some words of my counselor . She told me “you think your world is falling apart , but it is falling into place “. Back then I did not believe it as my Erin’s seemed shattered, destroyed , just gone. With the no contact my world fell into place again and even though I lost my house, my car, many other things. I was able to replace thisecthibgs and I gained my freedom and most importantly my peace and sanity. He always labeled me as the “crazy wife”. And I almost believed it because of the gas lighting. But what happened was that he created this craziness in my life by lying to me. By questioning my sanity. Sometimes he would say things and later deny it. “See how crazy your are, you need to go to psychiatrist “. In the mean while he was screwing his co worker every chance he got. They probably laughed about how dumb I was.
Now, I laugh about how dumb he was in the divorce. How I played him, how he under estimated me. I was always a step ahead of him. For once he could not keep up.
Honestly I did feel like I was in a movie. And the characters were me especially because he hired the ex wife of my attorney as his divorce lawyer. They hated each other as much as I hated him. It was the perfect setting for the battleground.
I always relied on my faith to make it through every day. And I realized that I prayed for the wrong things after he left me. God did not put him back into my life because God wanted me to have peace and love. My ex is perfect for the minions, whores and postitutes. Like I said before “whores come and go, family is forever. “
kaya48,
Ha! While he was busy being sleazy you were getting things in place to fight the evil in court.
Keeping your faith always puts things in alignment, it has for me time and time again.
I am so sorry you went through this but now you are a thriver and survivor and not a victim of the disordered one.
You prayed at the time for what you thought would and could change but as we all know they do not ever change because they enjoy being who they are.
Peace and love.
Not too much to ask for right?
The material can always be replaced. They are just things.
As for the minions, whores and prostitutes they will always exist.
Let them all stay together and leave us alone.
Hugs to you and your family.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
kaya48,
The words of your counselor .. what she said about your life is falling into place…I love that!
SITC
kittylover,
Have not heard from you here for awhile and am hoping you are doing well.
Will you let us know you are ok?
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
The Evil 8-
I actually saw this show and just found this on youtube-
I still fell for it…
https://youtu.be/WIx4nZWvxkE
Please watch and look out for your friends who are dating!
Stronginthecity
Gavin DE Becker- “The Gift of Fear”
I need to read this!
SITC
Strong
Thanks. I honestly thought my life was shattered when he left and it really fell into place. A much happier and peaceful place. When he first left I did not want to believe it, I wanted him back , I wanted more of his abuse, more lies, more cheating. Looking back I was so manipulated by him , he had so much power over me.
Even when he portrayed me as the crazy wife, I still loved him. Even when he tried to have his fellow deputies to pick me up to srbdcmecto a mental institution. All the while he sat back, relaxed , arrogant and enjoyed every tear that I cried. He used to provoke my anger , and then calmly used it to prove his own point . Everyone saw me trying to desperately defending myself. I had the proof, the photos, the text messages and in the end I was the guilty one. All of a sudden I was the villain , I was causing all the problems in the marriage. And he kept telling people how crazy I was. I was a puppet. I was not his wife and once he stated the devalue and discard phase he truly started hating me. My appearance, my behavior ,my beliefs. Because he found a fresher, newer supply who fed him ego kibbles”. He was disgusted by my beggibg , he despised me on every level. Even after he left he kept up his game for a few months from miles away. Through texting and phone called he assured to make miserable every day , to make me question my own self worth , to blame me. I be and lost in confusing conversations. I was once easy going , now I was a complete mess. I now was the biggest obstacle in his life.
But there came a time , when I woke up ,when I had it with him. And I am glad that I did. When I started the no contact I could finally see the truth. I knew I had encountered pure evil. The newfound strength was the greatest gift of this experience, it will serve me for the rest of my life. My spirit returned stronger than ever. Once I felt numb to everything around me , now I am done with his mind games band manipulation. Did I suffer ? Absolutely , but once I saw the light , darkness had no more hold on me. And for that I will always be grateful.
Its so sad and yet conforting to read these stories. For a minute i thought you were writing about my ex. I am trying to get back to the me i was before this emotional nighmare. I too was sucked back in after a year, just to be thrown out like trash again for someone else. And i felt as you that the two of them were having a good laugh at what a stupid fool i was. i just want my heart and soul that this dirtbag stole back!
whathappened,
Your heart and soul are still in there, they are just covered in a kind of poisonous slime left behind. Staying no contact, and trying your very best to do only things that are perfect for YOU is the way to ‘metabolize’ this poison, and heal your heart and soul. It can take longer than we hope to heal our softest places; but it happens, with time and a willingness to commit to our own lives, our own dreams, and our own values. It means taking the focus BACK, totally, to ourselves.
I went to therapy, ended relationships that did not feel 100% supportive, tried to eat well, get out in nature, read, and sleep. I read tons of stuff about abuse, healing from abuse, psychopathy, and narcissism.
I kept coming to Lovefraud for assurance that I was OK, that going no contact was SANE, and that even though I wasn’t feeling ‘quickly’ better, that I WOULD feel better.
And I do feel better (than I ever have in my life, actually). You can too.
I am so happy to have found this site. I have read most of the stories and the awesome feedback given are very supportive. I have good days and some bad days. The bad days are fewer since I found this site. I have been no contact for almost 3 months. Hindsight is definitely 20 20. I can see things so much clearer. I have spent thousands on therapy. And have attended several cognitive thinking groups. Prior treatments focused on my feeling better about self and I just couldn’t get to that place because I was so confused and was trying to comprehend what happened in that toxic relationship. Seeking some type of closure. I have found that the closure I was seeking in this group. My depression is lifting and I now realize how I was sucked in by that evil person. I usually come on just to read for encouragement but today after reading this post I want to feel like I am apart of this group.
Still waiting to gmlback,
It is so nice to hear you are starting to feel better and are embracing the healing process.
This site has done so much for me and us and it is a wonderful thing…
You will get better, it’s just a process.
I wish you all the best in your recovery.
I am 7 months full no contact, and my quality of life is so much better. It hasn’t been easy but it’s better than being with them.
Remembertoforget. Thank you so very much for your response. I truly understand that I wasn’t dealing with a human being and no longer have questions as to why this happened and that’s a great thing.
Please keep me in prayers as I seek employment, I work with my last employer over 15 years and have been out of work for a year. I had lost all of my self confidence and employers could see it in interviews. I know my self worth and am looking forward to my interview on December 1. Prayers are appreciated. Again, thanks and blessings.
I am looking forward to 7 months of no contact.