Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Swtgmlback,
So much about ourselves change from being with these types.
You will get there. One day at a time, one step at a time. We have all been there and know what you’re going through.
Prayers going up for you, and for nailing an interview.
Blessings to you.
🙂
Is so hard esp with the holidays and thinking he actually wanted to spend it with me. Now he is with his new girl and flaunting it all over fb. Do they even realize how cruel they are?
Whathappened,
The horrible thing with these people is that it is all a sham. The relationships we have with them are fake.
They have a huge lack of conscience, I feel it’s like being retarded.
They don’t care if they are being cruel. They just trot away into the shadows with the next victim, and pretend to the world that they are normal.
They are not normal.
I am grossed out thinking about this time last year and trying to do holidays with the snake. So slimy.
Sorry you have to know about him and the next one. No contact says no looking at him or mutual friends on there.
It’s crazy what we have to do to recover.
You will get there.
🙂
Think that is the part i have most difficulty with. That it was all a lie. He pulled me back in after a year and i heard his apologies and tears. Than dumped for someone else and him stating he can’t help that i am hurt and can’t seem to move on..that he never was the one who pursued me. It just messes with my mind. Do they really get a thrill at distrying others emotionally. I am in no contact and have never reached out first even after the breakup. I shouldn’t have ever some with him when he would call. Blah
Remember
You are so absolutely right. They are incredibly cruel. They have no empathy or compassion for anything or anyone.
And looking what they are up to on Facebook or even checking mutual friends is equivalent to breaking no contact. When my attorney advised me to delete all social website accounts he was one hundred percent right. You might get a “weak ” moment, especially around the holidays. You might post something. Everything on Facebook is admissible in court. All of it. I know for a fact that my ex husband would use every opportunity I would give him to defame me , to take me to court , to do more harm. Staying off social website protects me well being , my safety and my sanity. 10 years ago we lived without it and we can be give without it in today’s world.
I have come very far and nothing will ever set me me back in my recovery. I know giving him one inch will allow the devil in my life again. I will not give him that victory.
And yes , I used to have many weak moments. When I thought , he is still the father of my child , maybe he has changed. Then I get back to reality and picture myself having my attorney defending me against crazy accusations in court. Then I think about how he played with my health by exposing me to potential diseases, how he told my son that I was crazy b**** , that I was mentally ill,that I should be locked away for the rest of my life. I could go on and on. And then I know I want nothing to do with hi ever again. This entire marriage was one sided love. He enjoyed every teat I cried , every apology ,every time I begged him to come back home . He enjoyed all that while sipping champagne with his girlfriend in the Bahamas.
Learning to think reality , seeing the truth, the facts, that’s something I learned by cutting of all contact with him. It’s a gift that is priceless. A gift that saved my life. Every morning I wake up I thank God that He took him out of my life and have me victory and peace .
You are right about looking stuff up. It makes you heart hurt all over again.i used to see the hurt little boy in him. I thought at his core he was a man full of compassion, just had a little life damage. Now i think its reversed his core is black and evil and what i saw is who he truely is. You would think that with all this knoweldge we wouldnt be suffering so much. Its so hard. The emotion ups and downs. Feel like i am hanging on a thread sometimes and there is nothing worth living for. So confusing. I hope to reach the point one day like others, stronger than before.
One question though. Is do they remember us and appreciate what we went through?
whathappened,
Yes, they remember us only to be used as future supply.
No they don’t care.
They are unable to.
Would you care to share your story?
Stronginthecity
Nope. Don’t think so. They remember us next time they need something and can’t get it fast enough with the new supply.
What happened
On my experience and beliefs “no they do not remember us or appreciate us “. Not at all. A person who is capable of inflicting pain on someone they claimed to love and cherish , then just walk away to someone new, does not have any feelings towards you. That is exactly what they lack. They stab you with a knife in the heart , they twist it a few times and then enjoy you crying in pain.
They do not miss us or think about us. What they might miss is the ability to be an inappropriate spouse or boyfriend and get away with it. Nothing else.
Seeing my ex husband in court, his cold eyes, his calm demaneour , his carefully chosen words. It was seeing encountering evil. There was no remorse , no apology ,no empathy ,nothing.
I finally accepted this and take my silence , my no contact rules as my closure. There will never be any closure coming from him.
The best solution is to forgive yourself for allowing that person into your life and make very new day the best day of your life.
I can never get back the 20 years of my life but even at 50 years old I have plenty of time to enjoy every day. Every day without him is a blessed and peaceful day. And that’s enough for me right now b
Kaya. So sorry for you. It’s terrible that we continue to bleed and they just slide into a new reality. It’s so sad.
It’s not fair.
emtuoba,
They can only do that if we let them.
Having healthy boundaries and “deal breaker” behaviors on their part is what we can do to never allow a con man into our lives again.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Thanks kaya for your response. Im in so much pain and feel so betrayed. It hurts to accept that i was just an object….nothing special…to be used.
whathappened,
It is so brutally painful.
This is not a normal person or a normal breakup.
Please try not to contact him.
I will write more later this evening.
We are all here for you.
SITC
Exactly , it hurts to be discarded like an object. I always compared myself to a mc Donald’s paper bag. Discarded, useless, no purpose. I went through a lot of pain before and after he left. I honestly felt like a zombie. I do not remember how I managed to go to work every day, managed to get through court hearings , managed to still be a good mother to my son. But somehow I did and eventually I noticed that I was regaining my strength and my thought process shifted away from my husband. I started thinking about my welfare. My life was a constant uncertaintiy , each day I wondered whether he loved me or cared about me. My entire life was consumed by this thought process. It was not real love. Real love is knowing that he will never harm me in any way. Instead he would protect me ,cherish me and respect me.
After almost 3 years of no contact my heart is finally free of him. To know “he is never going to harm me again ” is amazing. My ex husband was not capable of love, he cannot feel anxiety or worry. His spirit was taken over by evil.
I am protecting my sanity by not communicating with him. He will never change and therefore I will never let him in my life again. It took a very long time for me to accept that. It did not happen overnight. But with every day I became stronger and more resilient and now I can laugh about his pathetic beggibg to have contact with his “old family”. It’s too late.
So happy for you. I hope it doesnt take me 3 years. I too feel like a zombie. My self esteem is nill. I know i need to stop comparing myself to her and wonder what made her so special. After all what did she really get…an alcoloic lying narissitic boarderline cheat. Snd he isnt even good looking! Is there something you did that helpped change your mindset?
Hahaha. Robert had a face only a mother could love. So funny. And her ? 5″9″ and easily over 220. Loud, obnoxious and an alcoholic drama queen. Her favorite thing to do is take selfies Of her face and squeeze into stretch on jeans. I’m not picking on anyone who takes selfies or weighs 220 or 430. I’m just saying sometimes the other woman isn’t necessarily a playboy bunny. Sometimes you just can’t figure it out. Hell I’ve never been able to figure him out. It’s all incomprehensible. Just more crazy to add to the rest of the things you can’t understand.
kaya48,
I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving!
May I ask you how long it has been since you have been divorced?
Your posts are so empowering!
I love them.
I am truly sorry that you had to experience such evil and that such evil exists.
The last paragraph of your post talks about him begging to have contact with his old family..
Does that mean your family?
Just curious.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
What
Thanks for your kind words. Don’t compare yourself to the other woman. She is nothing special , she was just available. I also did the same. In my case she was very young, in her 20’s, he could have been her father.
I stopped focusing on him completely. I had to get better, I wanted to get control of the situation. That’s why I filed for divorce to be the petitioner instead of the respondent. I did not want to give him an inch more control. Very important , I never talked to him again. He tried but I changed all email and phone numbers. I let my lawyer handle the talking.
And yes you are right. What the other woman got is a cheater and a liar. Please let her have that. Who want that ? She will soon be on the receiving end of tears and pain just like I was.
Good luck to you and stay strong.
Yes she will
Whathappened,
Kaya48 is so right on. The key is complete disconnection from the source of pain. But, like a burn, just because we take our hand out of the fire doesn’t mean it will stop hurting. No, that is just the first step in stopping the INJURY. Looking at him (at this stage) on FB or asking about him is like putting your hand back in the fire.
No contact gives the mind time to clear, the body time to readjust it’s hormonal balance, and the spirit the courage to re-engage with our hearts and the hearts of other’s.
It can take time, like the healing burn, but it gets SO much better….
Slim