Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Simone is so right. Every time I read an email or text message from him, I inflicted more pain myself. I was crying and shaking and in complete disbelief. How can my husband of over 20 years, the father of my only child be so cruel and heartless ? But in reality I was asking for the pain because I stayed on communication with him. I gave him every opportunity to abuse me more. Even after he left to live with the co worker. I begged him, I cried, I was hysterical. Not myself and I am still not proud of my behavior. What it did was give him pleasure and joy and control over me. It left him smiling and victorious. Probably sitting at dinner with his minion in some fancy restaurant on the beach.
Comparing yourself to the other woman is a normal reaction but it’s not healthy. It set me back in my healing. Do not check her out on Facebook. She is irrelevant , i asked myself what quality does she have that I don’t have. The truth is the problem is not her , it’s him. I could have been miss America and he still would have cheated. And if you think about the value and morales of the women who would engage in an affair with a married man , she is definitely nothing special .
I promise you that you will be better soon after you start and stay no contact. Like I was able to think with my brain and not my heart. It did hurt like hell to let him go and to totally cut off all contact. But the beauty of it is that it is free, costs nothing and it will set you free. My heart has healed and I am myself again. Actually I better version of myself. Because now I am so grateful for all the little things in life which I never paid attention to. Because the drama with him consumed me 24/7
SITC, Keepingon, Nwhsom, Kaya, Slim, 4light, HM, etc, etc,
Happy Thanksgiving to you guys!
May your day be full of joy and peace.
We give thanks for so much, and thanks that we are no longer living in confusion and isolation.
Thank you guys for being there for me and others. This whole year has been a year of reality and recovery for me. It was all of you and your support that has helped me through.
Thank you Donna for all you have done and continue to do to bring awareness, education, and support to us all!
God Bless and Happy Thanksgiving my friends!!!!!!
Remembertogorget,
Ditto girlfriend!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Hello to everyone. My posts kept disappearing when I hit the submit comment button so I gave up trying to post a month or two back. Finally decided to reset password. I’ve missed sharing in the pscho- babble. Peace to all.
So grateful to hear others stories. No one can truely understand this pain unless youve actually lived it. You are all an inspiration to me. Its sad that it took such evil humans to bring us together. But it is comforting to know there are great people who are gathered to help others with their pain. With compassion and understanding.
Amen!
whathappened,
Your post is 100% correct.
You are in the right place girl.
Hugs to you.
SITC
Makes me feel a little less crazy. Haha
whathappened,
You are NOT crazy!
SITC
I felt the same way when I discovered this website. “A little less crazy “. I had absolutely no idea about the no contact. People here were so supporting and then when I finally filed for divorce my attorney suggested the same. Do not communicate with him. It easier said than done and I messed up a few times. But nothing healthy came out of it. U felt even “more crazy” and that is when I started day 1 of the for ever no contact. Like I said I put a smiley face sticker on s calendar for everyday. Before I knew it I accomplished a few happy months. It took all my will power to stick to it. And to this day my ex tries to get to me somehow. But now it comes naturally and easy just to ignore him. I do not have minor children what makes it a little more manageable.
This thanksgiving I am very much at peace and so thankful for my new life. Divorce is never easy. Divorcing a sociopath /narcissist takes it to a new level. You cannot do it on your own. Without my legal help my ex husband would have destroyed me.
Happy thanksgiving to all of you here. You have always been a great support.
kaya48,
Have a wonderful peaceful Thanksgiving Day!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Ok i just blocked him on all social media. Of corse im crying as i was doing it. Think some one saied they acted like they were dead. I still dont understand how he still lives within me. And i get now that i should Never talk to him again. Wow that was really hard to say. I hope i can stay strong!! I need to get my sanity back!
You would think after being battered emotionally and thrown off the crazy train by him twice i would have a better understanding of what happened. I feel as tho i have suicidal thoughts now from all this. But dont worry he convinced me i could never do anything right so sure that would be a failure too. One good thing he did 😛
I just read your comment what happened. Believe me, I felt exactly the way you feel. I felt like my entire world crashed down on me. I was in disbelief how someone who vowed to love me till death do us apart, was capable of inflicting so much pain and hurt on me. Not only did he have affairs, he lied, hid evidence, played mind games and then in the end diagnosed me with the mentally ill person. I did not see it back then. I fed into him daily, I texted him, I emailed him, I called him , I begged and cried. I did not know back then that is what he was “feeding off”, it gave him huge boosts for his ego, it gave him power, control and satisfaction.
I honestly took about 3 months of detaching myself from him, to get my hormones in order, to look at it at a different perspective. I removed myself out of this situation, I saw the truth. And of course, once financial bank statements were subpoenaed in court, then I knew about 90 percent of the truth. He spent so much money on the minion, over 6000 dollars a month. At the same time he stopped paying his sons college tuition and any other household/family bills. He was selfish and plain mean.
I knew exactly the places he spent money on her form jewlery, cruises, clothing and lavish dinners. How did he live with himself knowing that we were struggling. Because he did not care and he will never care.
The sad fact is that we MUST accept the truth. It took many months for me to get there. I lost so much in this divorce, but in reality I did not lose anything.
My ex husband loved to push me close to the edge and then laugh about me how “crazy” I am. His words were always “I left you because you are insane”. No mention of the co worker, even though I had proof like pictures and stuff. He tried to make me think I was crazy. I was imagining things. Its called gaslighting and he was oh so good at it, especially because he is a police officer. Who would they believe? This middle age housewife or this highly respected officer of the law?
In the end, nothing worked according to his plan. I put an end to it with the divorce and most importantly with the no contact.
Please stay strong and do not get hurt any further by communicating with him. Take it one day at a time and place your faith and trust in God. He will fight your enemies and in the end give YOU the victory.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
To my Lovefraud family..
Love you guys.
I feel so blessed and grateful in every sense and meaning of those words.
Thank you for ALL of the support, kind words, love and support.
It’s been a journey.
Hugs to all today and forever!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
To all!
A re post-Love this- Copied from Letmereach.com
SHADY SHIZZLE – AKA WORD SALAD-
Meaning of double talk nonsense from the disordered CON MAN
SHADY shizzle translated-Copied from Kim Saeed
(to wit ”“ when you hear these comments, interpret them to mean that the person in question is going to cheat and/or mistreat or continue any and all variations of such)
I’ve never really been good boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse material (I won’t be faithful or check in with you regularly)
I don’t think I can be the person you want me to be (ergo, don’t complain about my behaviors if you choose to stay involved with me)
I haven’t made a clean break from my Ex (i.e., we’re still having sex)
I have a very busy career (i.e., expect late nights and disappearing for hours that have nothing to do with my job)
I can’t tell anyone about us because I have a high profile position (I am cheating on my partner with you ”“ or ”“ I just want you around for intermittent bonking)
I just need more time ”“ to quit cheating, drinking, being unemployed, doing drugs, spending your money, ________fill in the blank (I want you to think I have plans to change, but this miraculous change will always be pushed off to some point in the remote future)
Can we just keep things casual? (I don’t want to commit and I don’t want you to expect me to)
I’m confused about my feelings for you (I want to give the appearance of “being confused” to compensate for not calling, seeing other people, and ignoring you while I continue to come over for occasional sex)
I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us but I still care about you and don’t want to lose you completely (i.e., I don’t want to put forth any effort for a relationship or your feelings, but I’d love for us to be “friends with benefits”)
I’m not really capable of loving anyone (so if you want to be in a relationship with me, it’s going to be on MY terms, which will include cheating, ignoring, and disappearing for hours, days or weeks)
Serious relationships have always freaked me out and I always do something to ruin them (I want you to think I have Family of Origin issues so you will forgive me for being a cad)
You have such high standards/values/morals. I can’t believe you’d give someone like me the time of day. (I want you to think your love will conquer all so you will patiently lead by example and wait for my miraculous transformation that will always be just out of reach).
I’m sorry about my sex/porn addiction, but it isn’t a reflection of my feelings for you, baby. Are you going to give up on me after all we’ve been through? (This so-called “addiction” will never cease to exist because I really enjoy supplementing our sex life with other partners and porn, but I want you to think I care about the fact that it hurts you so you will remain in my life as a matter of convenience).
You’re too good for me (I say this so you will think I see you for the caring, compassionate, unique individual you are while I continue doing unacceptable things, all because I’m not as good as you are)
I’m sorry I keep hurting you/ I don’t want to hurt you (My hope is that you’ll truly think I’m a caring person at heart, but that my behaviors are out of my control because of my “painful past”. In reality, I don’t really care whether my actions hurt you and I have every intention of continuing them)
You stopped caring about yourself (I’m bored and need extracurricular excitement and stimulation)
I don’t want to lose what we have (I don’t want to lose what I have, which is being able to do whatever the heck I please, yet still have you to come back to when I need to eat or sleep)
I’m not really ready for a relationship (but, I know if I keep hinting around otherwise, you will keep trying to prove what good relationship material you are)
I don’t want to lose you as a friend (friend with benefits, that is)
Oh, her? She’s a coworker and I’ve been helping her with her marital problems (by showing her the attention *wink* that she believes she’s not getting from her husband)
What happened to the fun, sweet person I used to know? (You know, the one who wasn’t yet aware of my cheating, lies, porn habit, and shady business dealings)
Sure, we can break up, but you’ll never find someone like me who will put up with your craziness, instability, drama, crying spells, ______ fill in the blank. (I stay with you because I know I’m the reason you act that way, and when you do it proves to me that my conditioning and mental abuse are working, which is great news for me because it means you’ll stay with me to get that ever-elusive validation)
It’s important to realize that no amount of praying, begging, crawling or Law of Attraction strategies will improve your doomed relationship. If you’ve heard these obscure messages from your toxic partner, take it as an unmistakable sign that you are with a person who will never give you the love, respect, or care that you desire from them ”“ and the longer you stay with them, the longer it will take for you to get out, heal, and find the person who will (sincerely) love you for you.
Copyright © 2015 Kim Saeed & Let Me Reach. All Rights Reserved
Holly Hell. I’ve heard parts or all of these. I want to copy this and keep it in my purse. Unbelieveable.
Thanks.
emtuba,
Yes. It’s hard to look at sometimes but recovering from the abuse is ongoing.
We have to be reminded of these sickos and stay away.
SITC