Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Thanks for your kind words. I filed for divorce I June of 2013 , it was final July 2014. He left beginning of 2013.
Oh , he begs to have contact with his son who lives with me and attends college here. We cut off all contact with him, his family , any mutual friends about 2 weeks before I filed for divorce. I still have a few friends but they were always my friends who knew the truth about him. Anyone who has contact with him I cut out of my life.
I had to cut him out of my life in order to protect my well being. And know any vibrant with him still would push my buttons. And I will never give him that “pleasure” again. I did give that power to him for over 20 years of marriage. No more.
I’m so sorry for you. Glad you are safe.
kaya48,
Wow girl, that’s a lot more recent than I would have ever thought.
Gosh, you have been doing a lot of work to get to the place you are now.
Double hugs
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
I meant contact and not vibrance. Sorry
Strong
I learned a lot in my recovery. I learned that they do not feel things like heartbreak and devastation. I learned to forgive myself for allowing him to treat me this way. To forgive myself for putting my child through this crazy life with him. I accept now that he will never take responsibility for the way he behaved every single day and I will not hope for an apology because it will never come. I do not waste my energy thinking about my replacement . I used to think of her as the home wrecker. The person who stole my dream, my family. But within the last year I learned that she actually saved my life. I used to hate her ,now I fear for her . She thinks she is the most beautiful, perfect person in his eyes , she might think I am the crazy ex wife. Slowly she will lose her identity like I did, he will push her boundaries, and eventually there will be a younger, more exciting minion crossing his path. She will meet the same fate as I did. She will be discarded like garbage. So no, I don’t hate her anymore. She will never be my friend, but eventually she will be me. Labeled as the “crazy one”. She will never be treated with honesty and respect and kindness. So do I envy her ? Absolutely not.
I now can wake up every morning without swollen eyelids from crying all night, without having to walk on eggshells, without having to play detective, without a racing heartbeat finding evidence of his cheating. Without checking computer spyware to see which porn site he visited while I was sleeping , without finding accounts on Ashley Madison. And most importantly without him telling me on a daily base how crazy, old and ugly I am. For him, he can wake up next to one of his minions. Next to one of his prostitutes. That’s ok with me. I have my sanity, my health ,my awesome loving son, a fulfilling job, the love of my pets and the grace of God. And that’s more than I ever wished for.
kaya48,
The disordered ones do not change.They treat all the same.
The things you mentioned trying to figure out what the f%^$ is going on is enough to made anyone feel crazy.
When you are fighting your intuition, when they will lie right to your face and make up their stupid stories is so draining and emotionally unhealthy.
We have all been there.I think sometimes about all of the time I wasted trying to prove that everything my intuition was already telling me was right.
It’s ok though because when it ended I was able to say goodbye to a lot of other crazy makers in my life.
I just never would have believed the spath would be the messenger to help me understand that he was not the only person in my life that made me feel that way…thats why it all felt ok at the time.
I am still grieving in my own way. Not him. I do not miss anything.
On this Thanksgiving week, I am truly grateful I will never be disrespected, lied to and told I am the crazy one..nobody will ever love me like him.
THANK GOD for that because if that is love to him I would hate to be on the poop list.
I am still educating myself about the disorder as there are others such as at the workplace that will try to manipulate me because of my caring nature.
Don’t confuse my kindness for stupidity.
I never fully caught him with the cheating in a way of “with his pants down” but I know he did.
At the end when he decided to move to Florida to “fix his house” ya know the one he kicked his ex wife out of when he divorced her..he made this decision without telling me and thought I would be ok with that when he already had his car packed and was leaving in 2 days.
“It does not have to end..I love you and I will be back”…
That decision was the best decision he has ever made since I had known him.
He only tried to come back to see me 2 weeks after my ex husband went to be with God.
He thought I would be vulnerable and I still think(know) that was the reason for his return in my life after the discard in 2007.
That promiscuous sexual behavior leads to really bad things like HIV, AIDS, Hepatitis and all of the other STD’s that are very easily passed along the way.
No thank you.
Sanity,good health, our children work and pets all being watched over by God makes me a happy woman too.
I am so sorry for your husbands atrocious behavior.
Sucks to be him because when he is sick and old he will not have anyone to take care of him and will have to go live in a nursing home.
Hmmm, oh well.
I was directed by one of the domestic violence sessions I attended to go ahead and write that list of pros and cons of the relationship.
I did that last night after I read a post on here about a woman who planted a spy cam and found out the spath was sexually violating her dog.
So under the pro section-nothing, zero, zip, nada.
The con section, which was fitting because he is a con man was an entire page and then decided that he was not worth another piece of paper or the ink and my precious time to write anymore.
Don’t think for a second that he will treat her better or different.
I’m pretty sure you already know this!
Hugs!!!
XOXO
Stronginthecity
I pray guys that I can heal quickly I should be able to being that I’ve only been a victim for the last 3months. This is my way of getting closure and getting this off my chest too bc I’m too embarrassed to discuss this with my family and friends. I’ve been holding this pain in and crying my heart out so confused. Please somebody listen to me and help. Ok this guy and I started talking back in March but I was always hard to get sort of speak so I would talk to him one or two days then stop and he admitted he was talking to someone at that time and I didn’t care because I was just casually conversating with him. He had been my fb friend for some time and always inboxed but I never replied or gave him the time until March all he got was my number rather. Then we would not contact each other to months then start back casually conversating again. This kept going until 3 months ago. He gave it his best effort and boy did I fall. He would call me every single day all Damn day and talk for hourssssss !! I’m talking every night we would talk for 4-5 hours no joke. Conversation never getting boring. for two months we talked never seeing each other he tried some but I was always busy Wen he could and Wen I could he was so it just didn’t ever work out. But he would always ensure me that it’s no rush he is just interested in getting inside my mind and really getting to know me so we could pace this thing no rush. That alone was more points for him. A man who could talk to me for hours every single day, he definitely was a charmer almost like he went to school for charm. He knew what to say, when and how. He love bombed me over the top, made me feel amazing, he had me feeling on top of the world that’s how good that man made me feel. He kept that pressure on me. He made a CLEAR that he wanted an exclusive relationship with me soon and he wanted me to have his baby bc he has no kids I have one, and he wanted to marry me if we kept things up the way they were going. He got in my head so freaking much that after two months I was telling him I think I love him and boom there he was saying it back smh. All after that he really was happy almost as if he knew it could make any woman he talks to fall in love he would always say that too.he would always say any woman he’s ever wanted his goal was to make her fall in love with him. He claimed he’s only been in two relationships and the rest was him playing with women and leaving them being immature as he said. He said only one girl made him fall in love which was his ex And she was the one who hurt him so bad. he would always tell me in the very beginning that he know no other woman can make him fall in love it’s not easy and blah blah. Then all of a sudden he loves me.now he’s blowing my head up like he think I am his soul mate and no other girl not even his ex has made him feel so in love and connected from the soul so fast. And I’m falling more and more by every word. Before uk it I’m expressing my love to him so much that is how strong and how much my feelings we’re boiling inside of me and he was expressing them all back. Promising me he doesn’t want to ever hurt me just make me feel amazing like I deserve and show me what real love was and that he wanted to do what no other guy has ever done before with me and that’s make me his wife, love me have a family and make me feel amazing and be loyal to me. These are all the things he repeated in my ear for hours and hours every day and night almost like he was drilling these things in my head. Wen we weren’t talking he would be sending me all these love songs tell me to listen to them and all thru out the day. Like faith Evans I love you and etc. Then he would tell me he can’t believe he is falling in love usually it’s the women not him too and that’s how he knows I’m the one bc I made him fall in love so fast and he has trust issues he is scared to open up to me. OK long story short still never seen him or had sex he lives 25 miles from me. By this time I was so in love I wanted to see him bad and HE WAS THE ONE SAYING we aren’t ready to take this to the next level yet Sex bc we both are already in love Sex will just mess us up when I’m trying to build a strong foundation first then we gonna make love and I thought that was just the best thing to my ears a man who loves me and doesn’t want just Sex he definitely is THE ONE. Well the third month which is this month things still crazy chemistry outstanding and one last Thursday I told him I’m ready to see him we don’t have to have Sex but I need to see him he was like OK but u can tell he was un easy. He went to worm and usually his lunch was at 8 by 8:05 he was calling that night he didn’t call so I texted him and said I get the picture I will just fall back. He called immediately and was like what the f** are u talking about cause I don’t call u on my lunch u gonna fall back and u know how I feel about people I love leaving me that’s my biggest fear so F** it fall back and hung up. He made me think I was crazy when for 3 months every night at 8:05 u calling. So I called him all that night like a fool texted no reply no pickups. I listened to all the songs he sent me crying feeling so unhappy and hurt. The next day I tried calling him on my lunch at 12noon he picked up I poured my heart out and he acted so cold like bc I said fall back he’s having second thoughts bc that let’s him know I would leave him anytime Wen things get hard. I cried for the first time ever on the phone I couldn’t hold it in and he seemed bothered by that. We hung up and after that I sent him a song about 10mins later he called me histerical crying professing his love for me saying he was deep deep in love with me and Its scaring him. I started crying we both expressing our love for each other. After that I felt like we we’re better. But after that conversation didn’t hear from him anymore that day or night I called texted nothing. He had me on a roller coaster ride. Saturday morning I called his cell phone disconnected. Late Saturday evening I get a private call it’s him. The first thing he said was BABY SOMEBODY TRYING TO KILL ME!! I was like huh??? He didn’t go into details but he went on to say he has to move back To NYC and get away from here. I’m crying confused and he immediately started telling me how deep in love he is and how I never need to forget anything he’s ever told me and it’s true and we will be together and all this bull crap. Now at this point he has no phone I have no way to contact him we both deactivated our fb pages.so u can imagine how I felt. Sun late he call blocked saying he’s stressed and he is thinking of what he has to do trying to make sense of all this. He’s still trying to assure me that he is deep in love wanting to make sure I tell him I am. And we still talk for hours tht night. Mon night came and he didn’t sound right he seem like he was trying to start drama. He said I picked up the phone too happy like I just jumped off of some man’s penis. I couldn’t understand he was like I’m sad amd stressed and u sound happy. I was so confused he was like I know u getting over me.I started defending myself trying to ensure he knew I loved him he didn’t wanna hear it. But he played it off and moved on. Then out the blue he asked did I give my number out today I said huh he like just answer I said no. He said I’m just asking then he said who called Ur phone today I told him nobody but him and my child’s father of course like always then he got quiet. Still on the phone just not talking. I talked to him for minutes with the silent treatment then he finally came in like what. I said why u aren’t talking he said I’m listening. Well who wants to talk to themselves so I just got frustrated and hung up. Well never heard from him again. This was last Monday night. Why won’t he call me? How can a person cry just a couple days prior professimg love and how ure their soul mate and no other woman has ever made them feel like me and blah blah then don’t heat crap from them not one word for a week or if I ever will I guess not. Everything about him and what happened with us fits sociopath so what does it sound like to u guys??? Please help. I want closure I am so hurt I can’t believe I fell for his crap and fast at that. I can’t believe that a person could fake love and tears it felt so real. I felt like he was my soul mate everything was perfect and then he disappear on me. I can’t call email anything. Idk if he’s still here gone to NYC or wht. What happened how could he disappears and Lea me in agony not even caring obviously. Unless he ever get back on fb I have no way to contact him.why did you pick me to do this to?
Recovering,
Wow. I’m not sure where to start, but that guy and how he works sounds exactly like the one I was with.
My relationship started just like yours. He sounds disordered. When we meet them, we really aren’t expecting all that attention, and we don’t really have a reason to not believe them at first- especially when they are spending so much time on us. We would spend 4-5 hrs on the phone as well.
He sounds like a confusing crazy-maker. He probably isn’t even going to NY or someone trying to kill him.
Have you googled him to see any background on him?
The suggestion I would make is go with your gut. You found this place for a reason. If you think he’s off- he’s off!
We are here for you!!!!
When you’re ready you will go no contact with him. You will know when you are ready.
🙂
Strong
Thank you, what a honest, powerful comment. Absolutely there is no limit in what they are engaging in. What found was only maybe 20 percent of his secrets and pervertness. I am sure there was more but in a way I am glad I did not find it.
You are right, the straight lies into my face, the outrageous excuses and then turn it all and claim that I was mentally ill. I know people get divorced , people break up, but it’s s completely different story with a sociopath or narcissist. They plan their exit strategy , the grand finale. And nimo, they don’t want to talk or admit their infidelities and lies. They want you to idolize them, even in your memory long after they departed your life. They expect responses from us just to be heard, to be recognized that they still exist. I noticed that after my ex husband left he was obsessed with being calm and also superior. Like the winner. He told me “don’t create any drama”. Yeah right, my husband of over 20 years walks out on me and I was suppose not create any drama. It was like he felt pity for me. Called me pathetic, weak and insane. And I fed into it. Until I walk up one morning after a night of crying and I was done. Completely done. I found evidence that he went on a cruise with the coworker and I found the good lawyer.
I was not sad anymore, now I was angry because he also stopped caring for his son. Now it was time for a bitter war . And yes, no need to wonder if they have found true happiness without us. Anyone who treated me with such contempt is not capable of loving another human being. It’s impossible.
Strangely , his grand finale of walking out on me or trying to have me sent to a mental institution (it’s called baker act here in the state of Florida ) , was the greatest gift he have me in order to build on my strength. He had zero respect for me and I definitely hit rock bottom that night when his cop friends handcuffed me. Never had I felt this worthless in my life. And that was exactly his plan all along. As a cop he had the tools and resources to abuse his power . I caught up with his lies and now I was the biggest obstacle.
Little did he know that his evilness gave me power I never had before. Step one was going no contact and then searching for the best attorney.
We are going to be ok. And you are right. We learned a lot during and after our ordeals. It’s a life lesson I will have forever. And yes, one day he will be old, his good looks have faded and he will be lonely and sad. I am not sure the minion will come around then. And even if they do they will never be his family. I thank God he cannot create any additional children as he had this taken care of a month after he left. That was the only smart thing he managed to do but at the time will put him at a great risk for all kinds of sexual diseases. What a fool.
kaya48,
How long had your ex husband been acting like this, that you knew of anyway?
So he’s a cop and enlisted his fellow officers to Baker act you?
And him telling you to not create any drama, are you kidding me?
I am so sorry and him having his procedure will give him more of a chance of contracting something if he has not already.
Most prostitutes are drug addicts and are a petri dish of diseases.
On a cruse with another woman????
Oh hell no.
I will never understand how a man can be so cruel to his own wife and child.
To me they are all perverted pigs.
I feel so guilty about the spaths ex wife.
He treated her terrible and she always took him back.
She gained a lot of weight and he would ask me how does a woman let herself go that way.
I told him that he probably made her that way.
He told her to her face he did not care about her weight because he still wanted to be able to sleep with her whenever he decided to roll into town but called her terrible names behind her back.
I always stuck up for he, he always told me that they had been separated for years and that she filed for divorce when he came sniffing around here again in 2013 which was wait for it…drum roll..a LIE.
Can you imagine?
He was such a horrible husband and father.
Now he has divorced her because I told him that I would not even talk to him until he was divorced and he did it.
Now his sons are older and he just wants to just stroll into their lives and be a bum.
I did meet the younger son that is about 20 and he was not around the N too much because he was living here in my city…
He is a nice kid, the mom did a great job raising the 2 boys alone.
UGH…
You are right, these minions are not his family, just whores.
Fool indeed.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong
So sorry to hear about the way he lied to you. They are all liars. They can’t be cheaters without being liars. Poor ex wife of his. She can be lucky he divorced her and set her free . Were you together with him for a long time ?
As for me I always knew he was abusive towards me , not physical though. Before he became a cop he was a high ranking us army soldier for over 20 years. He was deployed most of the marriage. I later found out he had many affairs with fellow female soldiers in his unit and during deployments.
About a year before he left I noticed that he totally “checked” out of the marriage. He was just not there. He was in his fantasy world of sex and deceit. I found strange numbers on my mobile phone bill and that is when I started to become the “best” investigator.
I installed spy ware on the home computer. I put family tracker on his phone which was in my name and therefore made it all legal. I watched his online life for about a month. He had no idea until I printed out the nasty pictures his co worker sent him and also his pictures I put them all on the dining room and when he came hone from his nightly shift one morning I confronted him.
He was in shock that his “stupid old wife” was actually not that dumb. Of course he denied it all. Fishing trips to the ocean with his friends were actually visits to have sex with her. It just escalated and lies got bigger and bigger. And when I caught him again he walked out.
And thinking back it was exhausting to play detective. It was so painful to find his Ashley Madison account stating “45 year old athletic man looking for affairs, anything goes “. It was an absolute nightmare for me.
Once he said “you are so dumb you don’t even know how to file for a divorce “. Ha, how wrong he was.
kaya48,
His ex wife always took him back and I’m sure is with him now but he will become bored and do the same thing over and over again but it’s out of my hands now.
Our actual time together was very short, the first time in 2006 for about 10 months and the 2nd time in 2013 for almost 2 years but I constantly broke up with him because of his nonsense.
He is a liar and a very sick man.
I am just hoping he will stay away this time because of the order of protection.
I am just grateful he never moved into MY home legally because that would have been a nightmare.
Now we are smarter, never ignore that good old female intuition ever again!
No more detective playing, ever again.
Goodbye crazies…
I can’t even imagine finding all that stuff on the computer but you had to do it to get the answers because they certainly were not coming from him.
They all run away when they are caught.
It’s what they do.
SITC
Strong
We can absolutely be thankful that we escaped thise nightmares. Before he left my life was an every day drama. Since I became the biggest obstacle in his life, he tried to push me over the edge every day. He blamed for things I never had control over so he can yell at me. A too windy day at the beach was my fault as he was not able to go fishing. A pet getting sick, a truck repair. He blamed me for all of it as he was looking for a reason to discard me. The day if the discard i found out that he took paid time off but acted like going to work. Of course this was the sheriffs departments fault. Never took any responsibility for his actions. I was praying to God every day to take this evil man out of my life. And He did. It was sudden, it was painful but in Gods eyes it was necessary. I can look back now and he see how God worked in my life. He never said it would be easy. But I “kept walking “. Life is about change. And sometimes we don’t see His plan right away.
Like I said I wore dark sunglasses in court not having to see my ex’s evil, cold eyes ever again. I never spoke one word with him again. I never looked at him again. And being able to ignore him gave me the greatest strength and power I ever had over him.
Narcissists hate being ignored, hate being powerless , hate being defeated. It is the biggest insult to their ego. I still enjoy that he lost. And it will be my victory for as long as I live .
I’ve been coming to this site daily, sometimes hourly trying to drink it all in. Trying to find out all I can. Stunned to hear the same stories over and over from different people, different states and different lengths of time. All these things so similar. It’s my story only different. He’s been gone two weeks now. His things are still here but he is living with someone else. I’m so depressed I barely get out of bed. I wake up in the night with a panic attack and sleep in fits after that. Why ? Why? Why? In my brain I despise this man. In my heart have grown numb. I know that he is one such as you all discribe here. Why ? Why ? Why ? Do I suffer like this. I know better. I’ve got proof he is incapable of an honest feeling. I know in my heart of hearts that the honeymoon period for he and this idiot will end as it has before. I only hope she gets the better of him. Still trying to make sense out of my depression. Still trying
My heart goes out to every wounded heart here.
Emtuoba
I was always thinking the same why? Why? Why? You will never get an explanation or a reason, that is why I had to stop thinking the why. Instead I started thinking “the hell with him”. I used to wake up a thousand times a night, my heart racing , thinking “how can he do this to me and his son?” It does not change anything. You inflict more pain on yourself.
When I came to this site almost 3 years ago, I finally learned to accept that there will never be an answer to the why. There will never a normal closure , never a normal break up. Instead we get emptiness and lies. Once you entered that discard phase you become “dead” to him. His memory of you is wiped clean or rewritten to portray you as an evil wife/girlfriend/mother of his child. In his eyes you become the villain. Yoy become trash that needs to be and must be tossed out. No changing your appearance , no pleading and begging will change his mind. You are just nothing. I tried to delay the end for many months ,I even lost 40 pounds so I could be “more attractive ” in his eyes. There is nothing you can do to make you “worthy” in his eyes. You are the obstacle in his his new conquest for fresher, newer supply.
While I was making a spectacle out of myself, he had already found someone new at work. By doing this I ended up looking crazy and desperate , like a fool. But he loved every minute of it, every time I begged and cried. And then to go on and say “see how crazy you are,I had no choice but to leave .”
He will never treat you like a human being because he doesn’t even know what out feels like to be a human with a conscience.
So, him leaving. Please take it as a blessing in disguise. Sit back, relax , be angry and sad , cry. It’s all temporary. Let God fight your enemies. In the end God will give you victory. I have been there and I know.
KAYA
I am embarrassed and ashamed that you are trying to comfort me. OMG YOU SUFFERED SO MUCH MORE. SI MUCH WORSE.
THE TRUTH BE KNOWN. I finding I’ve lived with this all my life. Started with my dad. Then I too was married for 20 years and was abused and beaten the whole time. I waited 10 years and never dated. Never even thought too. Then one day I met Robert. I knew in that moment that we would be together. It was a lightening bolt. The story then plays out like all the rest here. Whirlwind honeymoon phase. I signed for his truck. Lent him money, bought him clothes, took him on a cruise ! He was working to buy a new business. It was going to be for us. We had a 5 year plan. My investment in him finally going to pay off. Instead two days after he signed the paperwork he took off with her. He did this two years ago. It didn’t work out for them then. It won’t work out this time either. I think she is just like him. They will devour each other. I’m sick worrying how to get my money back. How to get the truck back how to get him out of my house. Last time this happened I was truly heart sick. I couldn’t imagine what had happened to my wonderful man. This time I had spent more time with him. I also had become a detective. He never was again the man I first met. Now armed with what I am learning it is easier. I don’t miss him really. Not really. It’s the good memories I miss. It’s the financial worries that panics me. I’m trying so hard here. What I do know now is that ultimately I have caused this. I have allowed this to happen to me. And I’m afraid. I cannot do this again. I have to make some changes. Big changes. I think I’m on the right track. It’s just not the fast track. In fact I’m horrified at how despondent I have become. Still I am trying. I appreciate you and all the souls that are pouring their hearts out here. How bad things happen to good people has always bothered me.
So I got up. Took a bath. I have an appointment at 3 pm. Trying to do laundry. Trying to get dressed. Trying to move on. Oh god I’d much rather sleep.