Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
We all suffered so much in our own different ways. I know what you mean about financial disasters they cause. It also happened to me when my ex husband moved out and changed all bank accounts so I would not have access to any funds. He did not care what his son ate, he did not care about his college tuition. What he cared about was to be “happy and free ” for his co worker whores.
But, at one point I forgave myself for allowing him to abuse me for 20 years, for allowing to be discarded and being lied to. It was not me who caused this so I started to forgive myself. Slowly, I rebuilt my life with the help of my family and my son. We did not try to glue together what was left. It was a shaky , bad foundation anyhow. So we started new. I had to sell the marital home in the divorce. No problem , I just rented another home temporarily. It was difficult to take my sons sense of security away. At a age when he worries about his own dreams and future , his father caused so much turmoil and drama. But we did it. We went “gladiator style ” and once I had my attorney on my side nothing could “shake” me anymore.
Now 2 years later. Do we have the same lifestyle like before ? No, we don’t. But we have it so much better. We have peace every day. I am able to sleep 9 hours without waking up with swollen eyes from crying. No more racing heartbeat , no more shaking ,’no more high blood pressure attacks. In every way this man was evil and bad for me. And I don’t even miss the “good times”. Good times were an illusion , a cover up of his abuse. I walked on eggshells for 20 years and now I am free. I will never talk to this man again in my life. He lives in a county about 20 miles away and since he still is a cop there , I don’t set foot in that county. I know he would take every opportunity to hurt me again. And I am sure they would believe a police officer over me. It is just a safety measure I have to keep in place. The same with no contact. He will never get a response out of me again. And that’s forever.
Good luck with staying strong. It’s the only was we can defeat evilness in our lifes. And don’t invite the devil to sit on your couch in your living room by communication with him.
Been processing all the stories here the last couple days. It has been a life saver. I just wish i knew about this sooner. Could have saved me a whole lot of heart ache and therapy. I cannot express enough my gratitude for all of you that have shared your detailed stories. I am like another poster extreamly embarrassed and ashamed of myself still to even share the details. Im getting there just slower than some.
Again thanks to all of you!!
What happened
When I first came to this site I also felt so embarrassed,so ashamed of what I let someone do to me. That was almost 3 years ago. Reading stories of other survivors here gave me enormous strength to keep going. Taking one day at a time,never losing hope, gaining strength and determination and also sone comfort that I was not the only one who was played like a fool. Our stories are all very similar. Once I removed myself from the toxicity of this marriage, once I went no contact, my healing started. After s few months of not communicating with him in any way I was able to look at this drama as an outsider and I saw the bad things as clear as ever.
I started to enjoy my life again. Little things. He weight on my shoulder fell of. And yes, I had setbacks. But one thing kept me going and that was the no contact. I wish I would have no contact the minute he left. It would have saved me many tears and heartbreak. I waited for 3 months for his return home. Now I know that he would have never come back because of the new supply he found. Still I feel victorious because I showed him that I was done. The day he got his divorce papers served. And that was my closure. On my terms and conditions , not on his. My attorney encouraged me to file the petition. And he was 100 percent right. It was the best decision I ever made.
Its so hard to understand how people can be so selfish and heartless and manipulative. They leave a wake if distruction all around them. I just try to think of my ex as a bottom feeder.just preying on velerable women that will support an enable him to continually use drugs/alcohol and play the feild with any other woman on the side. Its so hard to process some days. I feel like i am too compassionate and forgiving yet i dont want to be harden to the point of becoming like him. It scares me at times…i saw a homeless man the other day and caught myself thinking how many people did he distroy on the say to the bottom
they are bottom feeders. not one redeeming quality. the first time Robert left me i couldn’t sleep, eat, leave my house except for work. i wondered how could someone be so cruel. how could he just walk away from me and immediately move in with someone else. how could my best friend, the nicest guy on the planet just abandon me. never a call or a text for almost 9 months. and then he needed me. he needed help. she had walked out on him. i was so happy. he was back…. but it wasn’t the same. it was not the honeymoon period from the first time. it was nice but it was different. over this past year i would ask him where that guy had gone. mw and that guy had so much fun together. i wanted that guy back. he never did reappear. we sort of limped along. almost from the start i felt like something was wrong. my intuition told me something was wrong. he denied every suspicion had. he made fun of my intuition. he called me crazy and negative and said i was living in the past. i doubted myself. i thought i was going crazy. i became the jealous woman i never thought i would become. i checked his phone, i checked his emails and there it was. not one but several women, and classifieds and porn sites. and what did he do. blame me for going through his stuff. he convinced me that he had quit it all. that he was under such stress. and i believed the lies because i wanted to. i needed to. this time much like 2 years before. he picked a fight and left. blocked me from his phone. moved back in with the same psycho from before. these two can’t last a month without major drama that includes violence. its pure craziness. but she is what he wants. not me. when i looked into his phone the last time i discovered he was chewing on me with her, cheating on her with another one and texting still another to come out to the ranch and do some work for him….. so thanks to this site i know now what has happened. i know that he is sick evil and vile. i know that he never cared for me and will never care for me. i know that it won’t last with this ass. he will continue to leave a wake of distraction wherever he goes.
i had no way of knowing what i was dealing with until i found this site. finding everyone here and reading all i can has helped me move through this a little faster this time. i know that guy i adored 5 years ago never existed. NEVER
Emtuoba
It is total craziness they create and then accuse US of being crazy. Drama 24/7. Once you must play detective it is time to let this person go. I started investigating him about 7 months before he discarded me. That was the time I should have filed for divorce. If there is no truth , then there can never be trust. And you can’t have live without trust.
I had this feeling something was off. That led me to install spyware, check his phone , etc. and I was absolutely correct. You cannot have a relationship or marriage with someone you need to check 24/7 whether he is cheating or on porn sites. I now realize that. I didn’t back then. I tried to change him, I tried to make him realize that he had a family. I tried everything. But still he threw us in the garbage. And of on a cruise with the co worker.
Please be patient ,stay contact and with time you will see the consequences of his actions. He will have a lonely , sad , pathetic life. Other than the whores no one will pay attention to him.
Kaya
I know now so many things I didn’t know then. I wanted to believe him. I needed to believe him. I did not like the investigating. Even when I didn’t find anything I felt bad. I really hated going through his things. I was always afraid to find something. When I did I was heart sick. When I didn’t I would keep searching knowing there was something somewhere.
He told me once to quit searching. He said that I was only creating in real life my fears. He said I would create my own bad ending. Guess I did in a way.
I know he will go on to someone else soon enough. If I had any respect for the home wrecker I would warn her. Since she knowing did this to me again ( she denied knowledge of me the first time) she can find out the hard way what her prie will cost her.
I should have known. He was married 4 times. He has had more girl friends than I can even count. During the investigating this last time I read old emails from past girlfriends. I thought it may give me some insight. What I found was other girls also heart broken. Also wanting to know why. Also pouring out their love for him wanting to know why would he lie. Why would he cheat? I found a file with my name on it. Inside similar emails from me asking why. Definately should have known when they appeared that the end for me was near. Still I was hopelessly addicted. It’s been good not hearing his voice and not seeing him. I know I will have to deal with the finances etc. soon enough. That’s going to be horrible.
As for him being lonely. I don’t think so. He is a charmer and does not ever seem to run out of fresh supply. It’s a revolving door. I only recently found out that the girl that was living at his place was also a girl friend. He claimed she was just a roommate and she moved on soon after I started coming around. It never ends. With him it never ends. This man is far from handsome. But what he lacks in looks he makes up with being so CHARMING. Oh all the things I can see now. I just was so stupid before. I wanted to be wrong about him. I wanted him to just realize what he had here. Hell it was all an illusion. There was never anything he wanted here except a place to live for the time being.
This time it’s easier somehow. At least I know it’s over. I know why it’s over and I know that he won’t be back. I know also that we cannot even be friends. The man I thought was my best friend was not, is not, and will never be.
Absolutely, you cannot be friends. I had to totally detach myself and remove myself out of this drama. Any contact with him would set me back to where I started. I will not go there.
And you are right, playing detective is exhausting and emotionally draining . I don’t miss anything about this man. I have my beautiful son because of this marriage.
So true about no contact!! It really does set the clock over for recovery. I learned that the hard way. I do have my moments, but for me i remind myself that communication goes both ways and i cant beleive ANYTHING he says. He even lied about going to the store. Pathological lier. As for a friend same thing …why would i want someone who lies about EVERYTHING as a friend.
So true. Why would I want him as a friend if all he he did was lie to me as a husband? No thanks. I am thankful that we don not share minor children. I would not know how to enforce no contact if there are small children. I noticed that with time the no contact gets much easier. Also I am not connected to him anymore . We are divorced and he has no more control over me. Whatever he does or who he sees is none of my concern. I do not have any social website accounts. It would be just another “little crack” in the door for him to hurt me again.