Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
True. Each day does get a little easier. One of the most difficult parts for me to accept is that i meant nothing. Everything he said and did was just a game to see if i would stay or come back. Its not like other breakups where you at least know there was mutual love, just wasnt going to work as a relationship. It breaks my heart when i think i was just another notch, a challenge, another joke to share with others. The girl who he could do anything to and would still believe and love him
What happened
A counselor told me once that I did not mean anything to him. Even after 20 plus years of marriage I was just an “option” to him. Even though I am the mother of his only child ,even though I supported him through his military career and deployments. After I became an obstacle or after I was discarded, he rewrote history and erased me as I never existed. He demonized me to justify his cheating , his lies and his departure. And who wants someone capable of doing this ?
He does not deserve me or my son. What he deserves is his whores and that’s what he ended up with. People who leave like this plan their exit many months or years. They prepare for it while we are in the dark. Thatnis why it was such a shock for me. Such a world shattering event. Because I was not prepared for it. And he enjoyed and loved every second of my pain , every tear I cried and every begging I did. He fed of it , it was his ego kibbles. No more, the shores can feed him now.
Rewrite history is perfect was of describing my relationship. If the dots didn’t line up in his favor he would evolve the story to fit his side. I would think it would be exhausting to live like they do…keeping track of all the lies and justifing why tgey do the dirt bag stuff they do. I was actually feeling bad for him a couple months ago he as saying he had health issues and in an area with no friends. And having trouble finding a job…when on truth he was already in a relationship!!
You know I actually felt sorry for my ex once before the discard. When I caught him exchanging nude photos with the co worker and he promised to stop doing this. He asked me “how can I face her again knowing what I have done ?” I felt sorry. Can you believe this ? The next morning he should have had divorce papers served. Instead I asked him “how did it go?” He never stopped seeing her and the lies got more outrageous day by day. He asked me once to purchase a bottle of liquor for Christmas for a friend at work. Well, I ended up buying his mistress some expensive wodka. I was manipulated. I was addicted to him. I was under a spell. I realized all this when I started the no contact. I had withdrawal symptom , he was like my “drug”. I will never go back there. I know that I will be hurt so badly if I do communicate with him. I had my closure and life goes on. It was not easy but now I am healed and I can be my own person again. I was so lost trying to please him, trying to be this perfect wife for him, I lost my own identity. I have it back now and he cannot push my buttons anymore because I won’t let him.
UGH kaya48
Again, so familiar.
His remorse, “how can he face her?
Not remorse for what he did to you/his son. But expressing concern for HER speaking about it to the wife he cheated on?
Yes, my ex would expect me to comfort him for his being cold, calloused, abusive, cruel. And I was blamed for not being comforting enough (b/c yes, I was THAT stupid that I did try to make him feel better)
Accepting that he was a sociopath required me, at first anyway, to take certain facts on faith… for instance, that everything about him was a manipulation. Yet, everything that I did accept as fact about his being a sociopath? Turned out to be right. INCLUDING that he had NO CONSCIENCE about murder. To my knowledge, he had not murdered a HUMAN (he had murdered animals), but that didn’t mean he wasn’t capable, it merely meant he hadn’t chosen to… until the day he chose to murder me. And by the Grace of GOD, he failed. ONLY by the Grace of GOD.
I spend my days now cultivating my connection to my humanity and to being a person of light and Love. I might not achieve it every day, but that’s my goal. By cutting him out of my life, I was freed from having to live a life of paranoia and protection and assaults and trauma…. so the pursuit of heart love? Gets easier every day. <3
Not
I love your statement “a person of light and love “. I feel the same way. And yes absolutely it gets easier every day. I still cannot believe that I actually tried to comfort my ex in his worries about seeing “her” at work. He lied and cheated and expected comfort from me, his wife. But like I said, I did not realize this back then.
Life has gotten beautiful for me. I might not have the same living standard as before but I am alive. I know that he would have eventually killed me by causing me to have a heart attack or stroke. Him discarding me was Gods plan. To save me.
I noticed that I don’t miss him anymore. I don’t even miss the “good times”. I don’t miss anything about him. Waking up to peace and normality every morning is awesome. No more drama, paranoia and no more playing detective.
My son often says “it’s great , I don’t seen you cry day and night anymore like back then “. Actually I don’t remember the last time I cried out of sadness. I feel so grateful to God to change my life, to save me from evilness. No more darkness in my life.
Just came across some if my old notes in a journal. This why breaking the no contact is such a bad idea with terrible consequences :
Because you would
Give control back to the sociopath /narcissist
You will face further rejection, and heartache , undoing all your good progress
You will never get an honest answer from him (he couldn’t tell you the truth when you were with him, why would he start now ?
If he dors speak , he is likely to tell you how great life is without you , say thank you for helping him in his way , he has met someone new ,put you down , use this opportunity to manipulate and use you further.
So, before you go back to the craziness, please think again.
I wanted to share with you my letter of closure which by the way I never sent. (Just saved on my computer )
Dear ex husband
I want to thank you for setting me free, for giving me my precious life back. At the beginning I thought all my dreams and future plans have been destroyed by your selfish actions and behavior. After all these years, the opposite has happened. Filing for divorce from you gave me strength and hope I thought I was never capable of. All my fear and worries were wiped away the minute I signed that divorce petition. You were an inappropriate spouse and father , you will never be any different. Still to this day , your perverted thoughts and actions, make me sick to my stomach . I regret loving you, I regret being your wife, I regret everything that we had together. There is one thing I am so grateful for and that is my son. You do not deserve a son like him. He is the most loving , respectful, empathetic and compassionate child you could ever have. For you to throw him away like garbage along with me , I will never forgive you and I will never forget. I hope you will find happiness and freedom in your future life. Maybe the admiration of the whores will give you what you never had in our marriage. I promise you that as long as the devil got a hold on you you will always be as evil as the day I met you and the following 20 plus years.
I do not miss you , I do not love you and I will never communicate with you again as long as I am alive. This letter , my silence is my closure. Closure you never gave me by walking out on your family. I know you discarded us but in the end it was God who fought my enemies for me and gave ME THE VICTORY.
You poor sweet thing. 20 years is such a long time. I am so sorry your pain was so horrible for such a long time. God bless you though sweetie. Look where you started. Look who you have become. You are brave and an inspiration to those of us so fresh in the devalued and abandoned stage. You are amazing. I’m glad to hear you are so strong and so determined. I’m glad your son supports you and you have gone on to be a happy loving soul. You offer such strength and inspiration, thank you so much.
kaya48,
Thank you so much for sharing this incredible and personal letter with us.
How brave and strong of you to not send it…
I don’t know if I had written it if I could refrain from sending it.
Since the spath I know only uses the internet to look at child porn, he does not have an email address that I now of and I did think a few times of writing him a handwritten letter but my arm hurts!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
kaya48,
I think I need to do this type of letter myself as I feel it’s the only way to get closure.
I will not send it.
Having a really hard time concentrating on things.
Thanks again for sharing.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Emtuoba
Thanks for your kind words. It has been a nightmare but now I take his leaving as a blessing. Just yesterday I got a note with my alimony “why don’t you answer my notes”? He still does not get it.
Kaya
I worry myself sick about all of this. I worry for me and for you and for us all. I’ve forgotten how long he has been gone but it has been a couple of years at least right ? Why do you still suffer ? Why do we all still suffer ? We don’t deserve to suffer. Or do we ? Do we need to suffer because subconsciously we need or want to suffer ? Why why why do these horrible people seem to win and win and win again. Why is it they get to touch and be touched. Love and be loved. Feel power excitement renewal or what ever it is that they feel. It looks like fun to me. They seem to be living while we are suffering. I’d almost like to spend the honeymoon period forever if it brought back my best friend and lover. I had two really good years. At least I think I did. All I know is that I am a shell now. I want this pain to be over. I want to know why. I want him to tell me why. I want him to be sorry. I want him to be human. But what I want I cannot have can I. Then can I be happy again ? Can I ever trust or love again ? Will this pain stop ? Will my shame stop ? This is more than just a break up this is totally tearing the molecules of my body and soul apart. It hurts to have the wind blow on my shin I am so raw. God there had to be something better for me and for you and for us all right.
****ALERT****
Please take a few minutes to watch this video as well as some of the others after you have watched Donna’s of coarse.
https://youtu.be/M1KfZ0OZh5M
He is very good at explaining EVERYTHING.
You will find yourself with eyes wide open…even us who have moved on that need a booster shot!
Love you guys!!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity