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Spath TalesEditor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”

I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.

I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.

He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.

He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.

Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.

I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.

He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.

A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.

He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.

I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.

I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.

He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.

The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.

I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.

My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.

Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.

He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.

I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.

I DON’T TRUST HIM.

I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. kaya48

    Thanks fir sending the link. Everything he says is 100 percent so true. “We have to create our own world again”. True before we were in Lala land where nothing makes sense. My ex used to say “maybe I am cheating on you ,maybe not. Maybe I am attracted to her, maybe I am not “. It was to mess with me , for me to question if I am going crazy.
    And no, I am not suffering anymore. I suffered for the entire marriage , a few months after the discard. But I am healed now, I completely detached myself from the craziness. I am safe now because I know I am not connected to him anymore. I don’t have to speak with him, he is not my husband anymore. He can’t harm me anymore because I won’t let him. It is awesome.

    • stronginthecity

      kaya48,
      You are welcome!
      How are you doing?
      I have not posted for awhile as I went back to work but am off again because the accommodations to my work station were not there when I returned.
      I waited a week and was getting the run around so I am off again until I see my doctor.
      I am not going to undo all of the work I have done to get my spine healthy again and sit there when that was to be in place when I returned.
      I also had an encounter with a narc manager(not mine) at work who was pulling crap on me before.
      I now know she is ONE OF THOSE!!!

      Ah yes…la la land.
      All of the crazy games and that statement about maybe cheating was the worst.
      I am so glad we are healed and or healing but it sure makes me look at people in another light for sure.
      I am just now realizing I am single!!!!!
      It feels wonderful to have my freedom back, but I still need the boosters like this website and the youtube videos.
      XOXO,
      Stronginthecity

  2. kaya48

    Strong
    Glad you are good. Yes, I occasionally need the support from this website also. It definitely helps.
    Thinking back I used to question the entire marriage. I don’t that anymore. I know now it was a complete lie. Yes freedom is great. My biggest concern was fear of the unknown. But that worry is also gone. It’s not in our control so I live day by day. What matters is that he can’t get pleasure out of lying to me and betraying me anymore. Someone else can be that puppet now.
    We came a long way. Even when he writes me the nasty notes with my alimony check , it has no more affect on me. I used to get nervous, racing heartbeat. Not anymore. I laugh about it now.

    • stronginthecity

      kaya48,
      The fear that was instilled was really gas lighting in my case anyway.
      I have now realized that it was 100% a bunch of BS but still have to work on this so it does not ever happen again.
      You have come so far.
      The nervousness and anxiety is something they instill as control and I had the hardest time understanding this for a long time.
      I always wanted to know why but it does not matter anymore but it has defiantly changed who I am…for now.
      Work in progress!
      XOXO,
      Stronginthecity

  3. kaya48

    Thank you strong
    A work in progress. So true. As the holiday season is here I find it much easier now as previous years. It does get better over time. And living a fearful life, where I could have “the rug pulled away under my feet at anytime ” is not fun or enjoyable. I am blessed in every way and it can only get better from now on for all of us.
    Take care my dear.

    • stronginthecity

      kaya48,
      It really helped to get all of the how and why questions looking in my head answered.
      That and my Lovefraud friends like you.
      I know I have said it a hundred times but this website and the people here have saved my life.
      Without it…Lord only knows…I shudder to think.
      We are blessed.
      XOXO,
      Stronginthecity

  4. whathappened

    Strong, the anxiety part you mentioned is spot on. I started having panic attacks and anxiety, i put it off as i ave a stressful job. But ironically they went away after we broke up ( more like threw me away). I have the heart ache and mental stuff still but no more panic attacks, and still have the same job which is more stressful now than when i was with him

    • stronginthecity

      whathappened.
      Until you find another job…I have sent you a lovely guided mediation to help you relax right now.
      https://youtu.be/d5Gg_UB-1O4?list=PLwRp13WDIrMNywoE9Nd6BIJqDT_dPJrJq
      The anxiety is still there but I have learned how to control it like these meditations and another biggie was cutting my caffeine by half.
      I only drink coffee in the morning but did not realize how strong it was.
      Another thing I do is put lavender oil on my pillow cases every night and get lots of sleep..as much as my body tells me to.
      My job was horribly toxic before my leave and no better now.
      My psychiatrist told me to get out of there asap.
      I also wanted to mention that you say he threw you away.
      You must understand that he ran away because you called him out.
      These men are 5 year olds playing a control game like a child.
      Also check out this guys you tube channel.. https://youtu.be/M1KfZ0OZh5M
      He is very good and you will get a lot of answers here.
      Keep venting it out here.
      Take care of you.
      Celebrate the wonderful person you are.
      Hugs
      XOXO,
      Stronginthecity

    • stronginthecity

      whathappened,
      Another thing that was helpful was reading the ebook “How To Do No Contact Like A Boss”
      It’s a quick easy read and I read it over and over again.
      Also, telling my story…in all of it’s f^&%d up glory was healing.
      All victims of abuse saw that telling their stories is healing but you say that you are still in love with him.
      Could it be the idea of what he promised you is what you long for?
      SITC

      • whathappened

        I will down load this tonight and start reading it. And yes it is the idea of what he promised and he played victim so well…and i was the one…as we all know …blah blah blah. Guess im still having a hard time to believe these kind of people exsist. (although all you have to do is change the name and they all sound like the same guy) they should be labeled and not allowed to roam amongst the healthy!!

  5. whathappened

    It seems that so many of you sharing are moving forward. I am ashamed to admit i feel so stuck! And i still am in love with mine ( god help me!! sick i know). Think im still in the Stockholm syndrome phase. Ive done the positive negative list of the relationship…hard to even ind the positive. Journaled… What are some suggestions to move forward that have worked?
    Thanks

    • still waiting to get my lifeback

      @whathappened you are on your way to healing. You have done the first and most important part acknowledging your true feelings. It’s hard to deny what your heart feels. Don’t be ashamed, it takes a very strong person to admit that you still love the spath. I am sure if you asked most of us was still in love during the first part of no contact. Just know you may love him but he’s unable to reciprocate them same love or emotions you have. I believe it was kayak 48 who wrote the letter but never mailed it. Also, read the threads from the post He told me I would get addicted to him. There is a wealth of information on that particular post the ladies offer tons of valuable information. You will get there just hang in there God Bless.

      • whathappened

        Just grateful i found this site. Wish there was a faster way to heal. Too bad i cant get a selective labotamy that would remove just the memory of him. Its strange how sick they are yet they convince us that we are the ones that are sick. And in a way i am for staying and than going back !!

  6. kaya48

    What happened
    I am sorry to hear that you are still “struggling”. What helped me was that I completely disconnected my spirit from him. I don’t look at it emotionally anymore. I think of the discard as being lucky.
    I know while I was rock bottom, he seemed the happiest. But I think about what I read in the psychopath free book. “How can any human being go from abusive to a sudden, new and perfect relationship with someone else ?” The answer is they can’t. Their entire life is a a failure. Break up’s are always painful but they are not suppose to be like what we went through . I thought this new young woman stole my dream. But she saved my life. I made myself the most important person in my life along with my son. There was no room, no need and no desire to include my ex. I suddenly enjoyed spending time by myself. I forgave myself , I did not forgive him. Because he does not want forgiveness. In his eyes I was the villain and he was the victim . Sure, I still have self doubts or mind racing at times. But one thing I always have is hope. And of course freedom . I look at it now as an adventure , a bad one I would never revisit.
    It took me a long time to get to my “now”,a lot of hard work in the no contact , a lot of discipline and self control,many sleepless nights, many set backs. But thinking of all of it I would not do things different , it was all worth it.

  8. kaya48

    Still
    You are absolutely right. I still loved my ex husband when he tried to send me to a mental institution, I still loved him when he came back to our family home occasionally to throw insults at me. Like “you are crazy , you are fat, you are boring , you are old, I am not in love with you anymore .” I still loved him. I still loved him finding out about the co worker.
    The love ended for me when my son had to testify against him, in my defense, in an injunction hearing. That was the last hours I felt love for him. Something changed that day. I saw evilness i him that I never saw before. I was in court with the devil. I knew my lawyer was right. My ex was out to destroy me and I stopped loving him that day. Just like that. 20 plus years of my one sided loving him ended that day. I also filed for divorce the very next day. Even though it was a holiday. My lawyer made time for me. I wanted to end it for the very first time.
    We have to think “if a person is capable of causing us so much pain and agony , it cannot be love “.

    • still waiting to get my lifeback

      Kaya
      Yes, my spate called me about 4 months ago and told me I know you still love me don’t you? I stayed quiet as I let his question sink in. Yes, I still loved that evil vile person. He was never said mean things too my face anyway as your ex husband but the mental abuse, lying, and mind games were no better. I did not understand, considering I was one the could me sad for a day or so and move on. I never even saw it as discarding because sometimes I just wanted him gone, but was longing for him to come back after a few weeks. Then we played the friend game with benefits, less attachment but still attached. I can honestly say I don’t hate him , but don’t love him either. I draw strength from God and am thankful he lead me to this site.

    • emtuoba

      In glad you don’t love him any more he dies not deserve you. What a monster. Your poor son having to testify against his father. How could he have caused that. You are an inspiration.

    • stronginthecity

      kaya48,
      Your lawyer sounds like an angel.
      Funny how things shift in your favor when you release the spaths evilness.
      I just said to one of my friends that I don’t feel hate for the spath anymore.
      I feel sorry for him. He is a very sick person.
      I was able to get to that place..to the person I am and it feels really good.
      I did nothing wrong other than being a kind caring person which I now know is a juicy source of supply for a personality disordered person I had no idea existed.
      Has it changed me in a way??
      I would say so.
      For the better.
      I do not hate people when they act that way.
      I stay away from them and do not take it personally.
      I am so sorry that your son had to go through that with his father..to ask him to take his side.
      You sound like a fantastic mom and with your love and guidance he will flourish into a grounded adult with boundaries even if the boundaries are with his father.
      You, my dear are so strong to overcome a nightmare that no person ever deserves.
      Your faith is strong and will guide you along.
      Sounds like it’s working.
      Can not be love…love is caring and understanding.
      Compassion and empathy is not a part of the brain of the disordered one.
      We have one life here…this is it right now.
      When my ex husband passed away(not the spath) I said that to myself.
      It was and still is so surreal. I say it all the time to myself.
      What life did I think I was living?
      I know that does not make a lot of sense but when I saw him go through the dying process just a few months ago something changed, shifted.
      It’s different.
      Life is different.
      Let’s all celebrate living.
      XOXO,
      Stronginthecity

      • still waiting to get my lifeback

        Amen, if God brings us to it he will help us get through it. Hating and unforgiven essential is just like taken poison and waiting for someone else to die. It some how eats at our soul and hinders complete healing. Also, I realize Hating and trying to figure him out and why me is just like the tree outside no feelings at all. I feel bad that he would never know how to love and he will spend the rest of his life looking for ways to get over on people. Due to the amount of harm the cause it’s even hard to identify this behavior as a mental disability for fear of empathy towards the monsters that broke to the very core of our souls. But God.. thank said no. Kaya and strong

  9. Remembertoforget

    WhatHappened,

    I was stuck for over half of this year 2015. You will find that many others were stuck as well.
    Finally it has passed.
    I too journaled, and furiously. I filled a few thick journals. One night I had the urge to burn them all. They no longer served me. I beat the crap out of a dammit doll, then turned it into a pin cushion, then burned it to ashes. I came to LF, and used you tube for videos on Narcissists and healing meditations, in addition to seeing a mental health Dr. for severe depression. All in All, i’d say it was a combination and everyone here that made it possible!!
    Best wishes to you my friend. You will get there, I promise!
    🙂
    I recently deleted the last of his hoovering emails as well, so to enter the New Year clean, with no junk mails.

  10. kaya48

    Remember
    I did the same. I ripped up all my journals , deleted all my links to cheating websites. My next goal is to purchase a new bed. The bed is the last thing I have left from the marriage. With time the memories fade into the past. Even going to old places now , I do not connect them anymore with “him”. What helped me also was the support of my faith. I know God would not tolerate such evilness in my life and he put an end to it.

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