Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Still
Our stories are all the same , a few different things. Same outcome. Honestly the last few years before the discard my ex started to criticize and find all kinds of faults in me in order to demonized me. I started praying to God to take him out of my life. I know God tried to change him but Satan had so much power over my ex. I remember after my son and I were baptized,all hell broke lose at home. We were too strong in our faith , too much light in the darkness. I think my ex only had one option and that was to leave. Little did I know then that this provided me with a chance of a new peaceful life.
I thought prayer would change him as well. I believe with God all things are possible. And prayed the Holy Spirit would come upon him and change him. So he would realize the harm he was causing not only to me but to his family as well. I have lots of faith, but it doesn’t matter to me anymore. I am not God. 🙂
Emtuiba
Thanks. Yes , he felt threatened by me because I exposed him in his affair and filed an injunction against me. Of course he is a cop and thought it would be granted. My lawyer got it dismissed immediately but that nonsense cost me 1400$ to retain him. My ex ended up looking like an idiot in court but it gave me many sleepless nights before the hearing. My ex asked my son outside the court room “do you want to talk to me “? Unbelievable. He puts his sons mother in a courtroom and then asks this question.
They think they are God .
Thanks to everyone here for your kind comments. No worries about the spellcheck , happens to me all the time.
Strong , so sorry about losing your husband. How sad that you had to endure the sociopath after your loss . Like you, I don’t hate him. He does not exist for me anymore , except for my monthly alimony. Other than that he is not among “the living .” I would have never thought that he was capable of such evilness. Even months after discarding his wife and son. It was not enough ,he had to add and add. And yes, my lawyer was right, the next thing coming for me was “fake criminal charges”. My only solution was to divorce him. Him being a cop I have to always be ahead. Never know what is coming my way. The divorce took a huge amount of control away from him. Before he was still able to manipulate everything. But once there were attorneys , judges and court involved it kind of put an end to this.
We should all be thankful we escaped, whether we still love them or not. It’s a one sided love and it would always be built on a foundation of sand. Like a sand castle , one big wave and it is all gone. Maybe one day we will find that true someone who treats us like a “princess”. And until then I am completely fine on my own.
kaya48,
Thank you.
It’s all still so surreal especially since I am fairly certain that the spath came back into my life after 7 years when he found out my ex was sick and thought I would inherit part of his estate.
It’s all sickening but God was watching over and would never let evil be involved with that.
He (the spath) moved away to another state in May thank goodness and that was such a blessing in disguise.
The distance is sweet.
When he tried to come see me after my ex husband passed I changed my phone number and got an order of protection for 2 years.
Washed my hands of that entire situation.
No more drama, lies and manipulation for this girl.
I am so glad you put that guy in his place, cop or not.
Hmmm funny how we are able to spring into action and take care of business right???
I never really loved him beyond the love bombing phase.
I saw through the bullshit right away.
He is a very sick person, sucks to be him.
XOXO,
SITC
Strong
So glad he moved away from you, distance definitely helps to stay protected. Like I said I do not set foot in the county my husband works as a cop. It’s about 20bmikrs away. Beautiful beaches there but not beautiful enough for me to go there.
I found this in my notes that I kept for future references :
No contact is for you, not a strategy to get your ex back. It is vital to understand that no contact is only for YOU and for YOUR healing. Your ex broke the partnership you had, so there is no more team. It’s all about YOU and to help YOU heal. Your ex dumped you, he wanted the break up, he rejected you . And that pain is incomparable. It is the ex who caused you this tremendous pain and suffering. And this why you can NEVER be “friends” with him. He would be the worst person in the world to help you heal.
Sometimes I read this to remind me I am doing the right thing
kaya48,
Thank you for the kind words.
Distance is very helpful.
He was in some sense a messenger…to other things and that’s how I was able to finally break free and move on.
Still work to do but it’s for me and has nothing to do with him.
Going to get ready to sleep and do some meditations.
Have a restful and peaceful night .
We are finally safe.
It’s not our fault.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
kaya48,
I prayed last night that you are able to replace your mattress soon.
I replaced mine about a month ago and even though I have the old one in another room I am so happy to not be sleeping on it.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Was thinking about you Kaya. Hope you are doing well. I haven’t seen a post from you last couple if days. Just checking in.
Hahahah. I’m working 89 hours a week ! So funny so sad. My heart bleeds for you sweetie. 20 years. Damn I’m barely getting out of bed and mine was barely five years. 31/2 actually full time. Hahahah. What am I saying. Probubly never was ful time ever. Lying cheating aoemeba ( one celled spineless jellatanous thing that he is )
Im glad you are well. I’ve made friends with you and Vash and Bev. Seen solid women trying to beat this thing. And Rosie ! What a kick in the butt power house she is. Thank god for you ladies. And for each and and everyone of you fellow travelers
whathappened,
I wished for a selective lobotomy for a long time too because of the pain but I found that everything that happened was for a reason.
I am still healing but am defiantly over the disordered one.
It still amazes me that it seems we are all talking about the same person.
This is very complex and not just dealing with your run of the mill douchbag cheater.
Time + distance = healing.
SITC
Strong
Thank you so much for your prayers. Yes, I am planning on a new bed and new mattress at the beginning of the new year. I think this will be last thing on my “to get list “for my new life. Too many bad memories , that’s for sure. Selling the marital home was difficult at first but then I realized it needed to go because it was my “prison”. I detached myself from the home also. Besides it was never a home , it was just a house where he kept so many secrets. No need to hold on to that.
And yes we all share the same boyfriend/husband/partner. One guy different name.
Glad everyone Here seems like recovering. 🙂 in the end darkness will be defeated.
kaya48,
You have been through so much…double long hug to you.
Not to drudge up the past but just curious if your ex has ever offered any type of apology to you and your son?
SITC
Thanks so much for your comment. In almost 3 years no apology whatsoever from him. Absolutely nothing. At the beginning after the discard he would say “I had to leave because of you”. Of course. Not a sorry, not a regret,nothing. But you know I am ok with it because whatever comes out of his mouth his worthless. So it would not make any difference.
He has apologized to his son. Instead he tried portray me as a mentally ill person. But my son knows the truth.
kaya48,
It’s still so hard to imagine that people, people who are supposed to love and care for us like no other can be so cruel.
I am still having issues trusting people.
I feel out everyone I come in contact with right away and if I sense anything at all my tone changes and really have to check myself to not take it personally.
I guess a true disordered person would never say sorry because they do not think they did anything wrong.
That statement he made about leaving because of you has probably been said by all of them.
Man it’s still so crazy.
SITC
I meant he has not apologized to his son.
As far as the appology, guess in my opinion i did get one. That is how he sucked me back in. And in some way has made it worse. I was healing and moving along and than like a train hit me….back to square one. And in away it is worse than if i never heard the appology. I feel even more stupid and used for believing it. Thanks all for your advice and suggestions i am using them all. Staying strong with the no contact although the last couple days has been rough.
whathappened,
I was in my own head when I asked that question.
My ex husband(not the spath) years after our divorce apologized to me for being a bad husband.
I never thought in a million years that he would ever saw that to me.
You are absolutely right though regarding the spath..if you leave any crack open they will walk right back in and things will be even worse.
Every time you let them violate your boundaries and take them back they are secretly laughing behind you back and thinking you are such a sucker.
Are you married to this person?
SITC
Omg!! Yes mine said he was a bad boyfriend. And thank god i didnt marry him. He wanted to run off and get married tge week he asked me. Thankfully i had questions about his sketchy finiancial past and he was going to get sober ( lol) and yes its like a game..they just want to hear you say you love them still and than they disappear again