Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Exactly. A normal person would have a feelings of guilt and empathy and sorrow. The disordered ones do not apologize because they honestly believe they are not at fault. My ex played the victim at the beginning until the attorneys came into the drama. Even then he would claim that he is innocent. I still remember one sentence coming from a document sent by his lawyer to my lawyer “my client did not have sexual relations with the co worker xxxxx until the day your client filed for divorce “. Really , they went on a cruise and were just friends ???? They really thought I was an idiot.
Now, I laugh about these ridiculous claims. I know probably 20 percent of the truth the rest I don’t want to know. He can now lie to the co worker or whoever . So blessed it’s not me anymore .
I will run from any guy that ever says..”.in your heart you have to believe i never cheated” puke!! And i sooooooo wanted to believe. Its almost like i was beging him to lie to me so i could reason with my mind to stay with him.
Yes kaya they do think we are stupid!
I will absolutely run if I ever hear any cross my heart type crap. All lies.
I can laugh too at some of the ridculous claims with friends. But the last few days just been crying. I know i need to be more loving to myself. One day at a time 😀
That’s it. One day at a time. Get yourself up and do something. Anything to cause a shift in your mood. I’m in the soup with you as is so many others.
The ex has no guilt. No remorse no sense of responsibility he has a new supply and I never existed.
Emtuoba
Thanks so much for checking. I am well, was just busy with my “new life”. I would rather work 80 hours a week than going back to the craziness and drama . The mind games were more exhausting than a full time job.
How are you doing ?
Hahaha. I am also working 80 hours a weeks.
Glad you are well. At the beginning I questioned the entire marriage, was everything a lie ? The 20 years, all a lie? But you know any relationship with them makes absolutely no sense. So I stopped trying to make sense out of it. You know when people break up or divorce they remember that person and how she/he shaped you and prepare you for the next relationship . But what experienced is not a mutual ending , it was one sided, full of drama and tears. What we got is emptiness and lies . My ex devalued me for many years , also turned me into a submissive, fearful wife. He never has any emotions or care. And after the discard I did get “on my hands and knees” and I said sorry and I would do anything to prove him that I am worthy of his eternal friendship and love . But I made a spectacle out of myself, he had already found a new supply and now I was the desperate fool. He treated me like a disposable piece of flesh.
And for that I will never forgive him or forget. I wish I would have reacted in a different way but I was so formed into his puppet , I did not know any other way. Now, everything has changed. He can’t get to me anymore. Because I know the truth. Evil will never change.
Dear sweet Kaya. Think we all were puppets. Think we all got down on their hands and knees. Maybe more than once. I know I became a lump of clay and depending on which way I was thrown my reaction was different. And that’s s key. I reacted. I didn’t act. If I had acted instead I probubly wouldn’t be here.
But like I said before. I’ve made friends with you Vash and Bev. Rosie is one kick ass woman I love her grit. We found this place. We found each other. We are all traveling this path together. I for one am lucky to have connected with all of you. You guys are saving my sanity, my soul , my life, you guys are my inspiration.
I am grateful that he is gone and I will have a nice peaceful holiday without the tricks, lies and drama.
Stronginthecity
Strong
I feel the same way. Holidays were always very stressful. The lies seemed to get worse around this time. And he tried to push my buttons so he could say “You ruined the holiday , see how crazy you are”. Isn’t it nice to wake up and not have a liar next to you?
I have my little dog and I know she would never lie to me. She loves me uncondionally for ever.
Something he was never capable of. He has so much turmoil and hate inside of him. The strangest thing, my ex repeated his fathers behavior. His father left l his family for a coworker also and left the mother in agony. My ex used to always say “I will never be like him” and that is exactly who he became. But I know this will end with his generation because my son is nothing like him.
kaya48,
It’s so strange because the spath always tried to make Thanksgiving and Christmas special for me…and he did in his psychopath way.
It’s so strange…those days were the only time that I actually felt truly loved…I think that he must have developed his acting ability over the years being one of 7 boys in his family I imagine he learned to calm himself during those times or he would get nothing.
The other holidays forget it especially my birthday and Valentines day which is not an official holiday but I have grown to despise this day .
More on that later!
SITC
Remember, Strong, Kaya and so many others,
It’s been so long since I’ve posted but I still follow on this site. You are my constant reminder of strength and I thank you.
Something clicked in me recently. Not sure how to explain it. All I know is that I’m standing on my own two feet again, but happy. At least most of the time. I still have my moments and nightmares but they are far and few. I’m still being stalked and have decisions I need to make for my long term well being but I’m in a place of acceptance. I haven’t given into to HIM. Instead when something happens I only think of myself and how I control my feelings and space. It’s not that I don’t care and have no emotional response at all, it’s just that I don’t care that it’s him or what he’s doing. I guess you could just say I’m loving my life free of bad influences.
I have been affirmed now on a couple of cases of bad people and it feels so great that I can trust my gut! I am feeling so much stronger. Even my narc boss gave me good reviews recently. Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t trust her intentions, however I get the sense she feels my strength and is backing off. I take her lightly now. She doesn’t deserve my energy.
I decided a few weeks ago that everytime I have a hateful thought about one of my exes (it’s often) that I’ll pray for them. Not forgive. Pray for God’s light to surround them and I give my best to their victims. It’s been hard but I feel released from the negativity of it all. Hopefully one day I’ll be spath free in my mind.
I still get frustrated at times, even with this peace, this thing that has clicked in me. I feel like I’m going through this incredible spiritual journey. It wears on me but it’s more awesome than not. I’m experiencing so many flashbacks from my past, which saddens me at the time. Flashbacks that aren’t just my spaths but from every area of my life until now. They’re actually more realizations than flashbacks…things people have done, ways I’ve disrespected myself and didn’t know it, etc.
I forgive myself for not knowing. I now see a pattern my life was working in. This healing process has been the hardest and strangest thing I’ve experienced by far. But I have a feeling I’m going to be okay. Better than okay. I already value myself more than I ever had.
Hopefully this is making sense. I just want to share. It’s hard to share my new sense of self with people in my life although I know they can see me growing.
To all who are new to this site, who are hurting and questioning, LF is truly a gift. The questioning part of the healing is one of the most difficult times to get through. It breaks my heart to read so any new stories. I’m not yet completely healed but I can say that time, reading, the support of LF, and learning to trust yourself through acknowledging your feelings and loving yourself the best you can does wonders.
I’m still in this journey and still have a ways to go. I’m just glad you’re all in it with me.
Best to all of you!
Xoxo
KeepingOn,
So glad to hear from you!
I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing.
Thanks for “checking in!”
We have missed you.
I a so glad that you are finding your way.
It is sure a journey isn’t it?
So glad to hear the narc boss has backed down.
Good for you, your strength is being recognized.
I totally understand how the workplace narc(s) can pick on you when they know of feel something to pick on.
Still a work in progress here!
Everyday without the disordered one is better and better.
Sometimes wish the process would speed up but maybe it’s going slow for a reason????
Hugs
XOXO.
Stronginthecity
Strong,
I figure we’ll always be a work in progress!
A speedy healing process would be so welcome. I just have to live in the moment and trust God/my higher power has the best in mind when it comes to time…
Glad you are finding your way in your healing journey too. We’ve come so far!
Regarding the time frame to “recover” does anyone have a timeline based on length of time with the psycho?
SITC
Strong,
I believe we will recover in time if we chose, but I personally hope to never forget deep down. I hope to think about the past less someday but if the past is what keeps me aware of my instincts and heart, I’ll take it!
For the longest time I thought my past didn’t serve me well, now it does. I only hope it becomes ingrained in me so I don’t have to think about it but just let life be.
KeepingOn,
Hello my friend!!! I have thought about you and I knew that you are busy and doing well!
We certainly have come so far. This time last year things were at their worst with the Spath…not this year, and I am grateful for this!
Work has been busy and a bit exhausting, but I am definitely grateful for that too. I had a bad dream that the cancer came back and it had me a little upset this week.
I’m so glad you are keeping on in recovery and life. I too have memories of my life and ways I behaved and things I believed. I’ve had alot of disordered people in and out of my life, but didn’t even know it. I just thought they were addicts or if not that, just edgy. F-that. Now that I know, my life will never be the same!
It’s so nice to hear from you! And tgif!
🙂
Remember,
Hello!!! I’m so happy you’re doing well. I’m sure the busy work is worth it financially!
Last year at this time is when my ex’s mask started slipping. Frequently. Meaning emotional abuse central! I am so happy to be free this holiday season.
Yes, the memories…I see so clearly now, going all the way back to childhood. It’s freeing but also sad sometimes…like how the nightmares hit you.
We seem similar in how things affect our emotional sensitivity…like the nightmares. Your cancer was so traumatic for you, at least I imagine it was. I could see a nightmare like that putting you down. How is your health these days? When was your last check up?
My doc called today and wants to do a biopsy on my breast. Everything turned out okay but they want to follow up on concerns. I have a bad insurance plan so am tempted to sit on it for a little while. It’s going to cost me and I feel okay. It’s sad. My health should come first, not finances!
I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving giving spath free and are looking forward to Christmas.
I’m so grateful for you. We’ve come a far way!
Keeping on…your post gives me inspiration. I hope i get to where you are soon. Mine has been gone for 3 months and i still have some very dark moments. My therapist is a big help but spaths do so much damage emotionally. I just hope soon i can say it doesn’t hurt as much anymore
Caitlyn,
Hang in there!
It sounds like you have been lucky to find a therapist that is helping you as that will speed up the process.
It does get better, I promise.
The dark moments will be fewer and less intense.
The longer you are away and remain true no contact is just kinda fades…
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Caitlyn,
I’m glad my post offered you inspiration, it’s only been recently that I’ve found some peace. I still find the healing a difficult process.
I remember at 3 months that I just wanted to get the healing over with already! I felt like every minute was an hour and a single day felt like a week. It was torture.
Try and allow yourself to experience what you’re feeling during the dark moments. The more we acknowledge our feelings, the more we are true to ourselves and the healing happens more naturally. It’s not easy at first.
I’m glad you have a good therapist and found lovefraud. I still have both and the combination has saved me. I’m not out of the woods yet but I have come so far. I’m happy more often than not and I’m more at peace.
It sounds like you are mindful and moving the right direction in your healing process. It’s not a speedy process but if you stick with it there’s a good chance you’ll love and honor yourself more than you ever have.
I still need to read through posts to find out more of your story. I’m a little behind. I trust many of our LF friends have been guiding you well!
Keeping on: my story is one of the lovefraud letter. I’m going by memory but the title is “i should be glad the sociopath is gone but its tearing me up” maybe on page 3 or 4 now. At the beginning you will see my fake name of ” caitlyn” as being the lovefraud reader who sent the letter. Let me know what you think if and once you read. Thanks for your response!
Caitlin,
Is your story posted here on Lovefraud?
SITC
Strong in the city: yes the title is is “i should be glad the sociopath is gone but its tearing me up” maybe on page 3 or 4
KeepingOn,
Yes, always a work in progress and I am ok with that!
I never believed it when I first heard about the spath being a messenger; I thought a messenger for what.
Now we know.
Now we have each other and every day more and more of them are being exposed.
I believe in time the word will get out to a point the spaths, the disordered ones, the con men will not have anyone left to pick on.
You spoke of the lack of emotional response.
It’s still something I am still working on.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong,
I always believed in the whole messenger thing but honestly didn’t think it’d ever hit home. I was wrong and am so grateful for my spaths and my past. I feel especially grateful that I’m still in my late 30’s and learning this lesson now.
I’ve been through such traumatic experiences since before I can even remember, so I’ll take it! I never imagined I’d become the woman I am. Hurt, scored, so disrespectful to myself….and I didn’t even know it! I didn’t know much about bounderies, self respect and self love. I always knew I had strength I just didn’t know what that meant. I didn’t take my strength personally enough.
The lack of emotion I feel is so new. It’s strange and unexpected. I can’t explain it. That’s the click. I would normally say it could just be what I’m going through now. Somehow I know deep down it’s here to stay. It’s like I found this place I’m in but I don’t know how. And honestly, I don’t really care! I’m just basking in the feeling that I know I’m going to be okay.
I’m not even afraid of being physically harmed. Possibility still? Maybe. I stay aware but I fear no more.
Does this make any sense?
KeepingOn,
It makes perfect sense!
I totally understand what you mean.
Looking back I was always in this “on guard” mode always feeling victimized.
I don’t feel this way anymore because I am making much better choices and embracing the past..the history; a class in school I never really paid attention to thinking why should I care about what has happened in the past.
I now realize the past and history are so important to move forward.
You are so lucky to still be very young in your life as you have accomplished so much.
The knowledge you have now will ensure you a very happy and loving life going forward.
The old me was always wanting in some way “get back” at those that wronged me and treated me terribly.
I no longer feel that way and instead feel calm most of the time in knowing I did noting wrong.
I will simply just move on from certain people and situations that make me feel bad.
For awhile there I was so terrorized by the crumbles of fear bit by bit that were instilled in my mind by the psychopath and still practice safety but I do not live my life in fear anymore because I know what has happened.
We must stay safe but we know that is no way to live.
Boundaries, self love and respect are things I will focus on now…things I never did before.
You sound like you are doing really well and so glad that you posted!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong,
I’m glad you understand where I come from and are in a similar place.
I know that “on gaurd” feeling all to well and at some point recently just got tired of it all.
I love that you stay aware of your safety. My hope is that we won’t always have to live this way. At least we have the power to control out own lives, right?
KeepingOn,
Yes, I too just got tired of it all and the worst is over.
We took that power right on back,didn’t we?
Staying strong and focused on moving forward.
SITC
Amen my sisters!!!!!
Keeping on
I feel the same way. Fear no more. Isn’t it interesting how we became stronger and more resilient. To this day I feel victorious. I used to be afraid of him. Not anymore. I enjoy every day because I wake up and there is no evil in my life. I can choose the people I surround myself with. Evil has no place in my life anymore.
I truly feel blessed for the smallest things in life now. A beautiful sunset , a walk in the beach. Laughing in the office at my job . Just today someone said to me “you look so happy in your face, what happened. ?
When I was with him, I heard comments like “you look so tired and exhausted “. Yes, I was because the drama and the lies wore me out.
Kaya,
I wish I had a trick to this no fear thing before. I didn’t think it possible, especially while still being stalked.
I hear you on evil having no place anymore! I’m now surrounded by a handful of family and friends I chose. Authentically good poeple. I’ve even met a couple of great friends since all of this that I belive are authentic. It’s a wonderful feeling, having this control, of goodness I surround myself with!
I used to get the so tired and exhausted comments before too. And not that long ago. Recently a woman at work asked me what I do to look so refreshed…she said she didn’t want to be rude but it looked like I’ve been getting face treatments. I told her I was using moisturizer and feeling good. Haha.
Maybe there’s something to this all after all!
On that note, honestly I just try to live in the moment. My thoughts drove me wild, which is why I looked towards prayer. My thoughts were not healthy and still aren’t. I have to catch myslef. I embrace my feelings…good, bad, you name it…but my thoughts were becoming the end of me. I am the controller of me.
KO,
Amen!
I never realized I was walking around with clinched fists and during a spoken meditation last week he said relax your tongue, it was also in a position of stress on the roof of my mouth..
Has anyone else noticed this?
SITC
kays48,
Ditto on your post!
It’s amazing how much time you have not worrying and living in fear and chaos like we did before.
I am so glad that you are enjoying life and even your job.
I was miserable before and my body is still recovering from the trauma and am trying my best to be kind and gentle with myself.
I do what I want, when I want.
Nothing is dictated by anyone else.
My faith in God has been an incredible comfort.
Now it’s time to go forward and be happy.
It’s ok to be alone. I like myself!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
kaya48,
Even though still recovering I have never felt more clear and content in my entire life.
SITC
Like button inserted!
SITC
Just sharing. Sometimes maybe our brains tell us no and caring hearts leads us into feeling sorry for these types. Does society play a part. Sharing this story from a post on my page.
“When I was a freshman, my sister was in eighth grade. There was a boy in two of her periods who would ask her out every single day. (Third and seventh period, if I remember correctly.) All day during third and seventh she would repeatedly tell him no. She didn’t beat around the bush, she didn’t lie and say she was taken”“she just said no.
One day, in third period, after being rejected several times, he said; “I have a gun in my locker. If you don’t say yes, I am going to shoot you in seventh.”
She refused again, but right after class she went to the principal’s office and told them what happened. They searched his locker and there was a gun in his backpack.
When he was arrested, some of my sister’s friends (some female, even) told her that she was selfish for saying no so many times. That because of her, the entire school was in jeopardy. That it wouldn’t have killed her to say yes and give it a try, but because she was so mean to him, he lost his temper. Many of her male friends said it was ‘girls like her’ that made all women seem like cock-teases.
Wouldn’t have killed her to say yes? If a man is willing to shoot someone for saying no, what happens to the poor soul who says yes? What happens the first time they disagree? What happens the first time she says she doesn’t want to have sex? That she isn’t in the mood? When they break up?
Years later, when I was a senior, I was the only girl in my Criminal Justice class. The teacher, who used to be a sergeant in the police force, told us a story of something that had happened to a girl he knew when she was in high school. There was a guy who obviously had a crush on her and he made her uncomfortable. One day he finally gathered up the courage to ask her out, and she said no.
The next day, during an assembly, he pulled a gun on her in front of everyone and threatened to kill her if she didn’t date him.
He was tackled to the ground and the gun was taken from him.Â
When my teacher asked the class who was at fault for the crime, I was the only person who said the boy was. All the other kids in the class (who were all boys) said that the girl was, that if she had said yes he would’ve never lost it and brought a gun and tried to kill her. When my teacher said that they were wrong and that this is what is wrong with society, that whenever a boy commits a crime it’s someone else’s fault (music, television, video games, the victim) one boy raised his hand and literally said; ‘But if someone were to punch me and I punched him back, who is at fault for the fight? He is, not me. It’s self-defence. She started it, so anything that happens to her is in reaction to her actions .It’s simple cause and effect.’
Even though he spent the rest of the class period ripping into the boys and saying that you are always responsible for your own actions, and that women are allowed to say no and do not have to date them, they left class laughing about how idiotic he was and that he clearly had no idea how much it hurt to be rejected.
This isn’t something that’s rare. This isn’t something that never happens, or that a select group of men feel as if they are so entitled to women that saying no is not only the worst possible thing a woman can do, but is considered a form of “defence” when they commit a crime upon them (whether it be rape or murder-as-a-reaction-towards-rejection).
Girls are being killed for saying no to prom invites. Girls are being killed for saying no to men. They are creating an atmosphere where women are too scared to say no, and the worst part is? They are doing it intentionally. They want society to be that way, they want women to say yes entirely out of fear. Even the boys and men who aren’t showing up to schools with guns are saying; ‘Well, you know, I wouldn’t do that, but you have to admit that if she had just said yes”’
If you are a man and you defend this guys’ actions or try to find an excuse for it, or you denounce what really happened, or in any way lay blame on women, every girl you know, every woman you love, has just now thought to themselves that you might lose your shit and kill them someday for saying no. You have just lost their trust. And you know what? You deserve to lose it.” —vampmissedithÂ
You worded it so correctly “Taking the power back “. By not communicating with them we have the power, we have self control and we have victory. For me the no contact was not a way of punishment or revenge. It was a simple step to protect myself from further harm. Once the truth came out or at least a part of it his brainwashing grew smaller . The more my brain processed the truth , the lies faded away. And then one morning I woke up and I felt peace. I shut up once and for all and the voice in my head stopped. No more of him challenging me , nothing he did faced me anymore. I saw clarity and even do nothing made sense I felt sane. For the first time after many years I had power over me. And with that came power over him. No longer was he able to push buttons, aggrevate me, manipulate. He was defeated. My biggest weapon besides my attorney was the no contact, my silence. Everything clicked , I realized I was never loved by him and I never behaved like this in other relationships. He was ALWAYS working against me. I was paranoid, on edge, I was never at ease. Now I am and it’s wonderful.
I think our agonies and heartaches had one good outcome. We are stronger than ever. I removed him from my life permanently and it is something I will be proud of for the rest of my life. Because I accomplished that , I fought evil and I won.
kaya48,
That my friend is what we call CLOSURE on our terms!
Awesome, right?
I was unaware of exactly how much brain f$%^ was going on until it just stopped.
XOXO,
SITC
remembertoforget, kaya48,
I just wanted to touch briefly on the punishment that was inflected in the form of the “silent treatment” from the spath.
I had a bit of a yucky day on Friday after reading an email from another support website.
It talked about what the spath is/was actually doing when they were doing this and 2 months would go by when I did not speak to him.
It put me into a funk so I am going to delete some of those subscriptions because there was a time when I needed them…I even forwarded it on to remember..sorry if it put you in a funk too because I just don’t want to even think about it anymore.
What they do/did does not matter to me anymore!!!!!
No contact is a beautiful thing!
Ahhhhhhhh
XOXO,
Stronginthecity