Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
***THEY DON’T CHANGE***
The evil turns to murder.
I am so glad we are away and for those wondering if you should..
http://abcnews.go.com/US/wife-man-prison-wifes-murder-details-abusive-marriage/story?id=30364915
https://mylifeofcrime.wordpress.com/2015/11/30/psycho-for-love-michael-leroy-wilkie-killed-his-wife-shelby-and-burned-her-body-sentenced-to-lwop/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+BonniesBlogOfCrime+%28Bonnie%27s+Blog+of+Crime%29
Hugs to you all- STAY SAFE!!
Stronginthecity
Strong
Valentine’s Day was probably the worst day for me also. Birthdays the same. It was my birthday when I found the nasty pictures he had exchanged with the co worker. I will never forget that day but it is kind of fading into the past now. I am not sure why they dispose holidays. Because it is suppose to be “happy days”. He always would start some kind of argument and then later state ” crazy wide ruined the holidays again “. This season I am just so happy and grateful that it is just myself and my son. Just today my son said “you know what, that guy does not exist for me anymore , I dont miss him and I hated it when he as here “. I still regret not putting an end to it sooner but I am still proud of myself for filing for the divorce. Divorce is really a terrible thing , there is nothing good about it. But it was the only way I would survive and I want to be here for my son. My ex surely would have killed me. Eventually I would have a heart attack or stroke. To this day I remember the pounding and “feeling of blood rushing through my head”. He pushed me , he challenged me and when I was crying and being upset he would remain calm and composed. So he could call me crazy and insane. It’s a tactic they use to remain superior to you. So glad he did not succeed trying to destroy me. The opposite happened. He is now the pitiful, weak person who begs and cries for the lost relationship with his only child, my son. Too late.
kaya48,
I found out recently that the reason I never spent V day with the spath was because his ex wife who he was triangulating withs bday was around that time.
She the ex wife would come here to our city for her bday and he would pick a fight with me and then spend time with her.
Cell phones that suddenly stopped working when he went to Florida would magically come alive months later when he was back here… I must have done it..activated the phone he said.
It was the strangest thing…they lived apart even when they were still married but she has family here so would come here for holidays etc.
She knew about me when they were separated but would still see him and ya know…be together.
Even though he divorced her after she raised their children basically alone, then threw her out of the family home she came to live in our city and I believe he spent time with her when we were arguing.
I did speak with her years ago and from those conversations I could tell that no matter what he did..the cheating and horrendous behavior she would always take hi back so I am pretty sure they are back together.
I tried to explain his personality disorder to her after she told me that she was sure he treated me so much better than he ever treated her…I told her no…he will treat all woman the same.
The difference is I would no longer allow it.
I no longer care what he or she does.
Not my problem anymore.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong in the city, they really know how to ruin holidays huh? Mine went to jail on my birthday and was there for 40 days so that made my birthday, 4th of july, and most of my summer really crappy. And how can i forget labor day was the day I confronted him about the photos of him i had found with a woman claiming they were engaged. 6 months of lies is what got from him. I’m glad it was only 6 months and that i confronted him ( he dissapeared days later after I confronted him & I haven’t heard from him since) but just like a lot of other posters here i always feel like what does she have that I didn’t or does he really love her. He’s definitely been cheating on her with me and god knows who else but maybe thats just it he sticks with her because maybe she doesn’t know he’s a spath!
Dear Catilyn,
It will be ok. Three months is so fresh. I’m sure many of us will say at three months they were still reeling.
I certainly was. I was putting puzzle pieces together and journaling my guts out.
You are in the right place here. I wouldn’t have gotten to where I am without my friends here at Love Fraud.
Some days may get cloudy, but they are dark no more.
You will get there.
Blessings to you.
Wow. The ex wife took him back. That’s unbelievable. I used to always wonder how he would treat the new minion, what she has that I don’t have. But after a while I realized that it is not about him or her anymore. I don’t care or wonder what they are doing. I just don’t care and by not communicating with him in any way (including social websites) I don’t allow , just like you, any further harm he could inflict on me. And I know that one sentence would set me back the 30 months of no contact. He can marry her, he can do whatever he wants, it is NONE of my concern. And I dont have to talk to him anymore. We are not connected in any way , we are indeed divorced and there is no more Union, no more marital binding. I don’t even see him as the father of my son anymore. A real father would never do this to his family. And therefore he is in essence dead to me. Oh, except for my monthly spousal support. I was never able to get to him emotionally but I made sure that he would pay financially for the hurt he caused me and his son. For the rest of my life. I am sure writing a check to me every month is not something he had planned for with his little minion.
You go girl. I hope this holiday season is the best one you have had ever. I’m glad you are doing so well. It’s great he has to write a check out to you every month. I’m sure that is something his evil heart can feel.
Kaya,
Double, triple Amen to that!!!
Caitlyn
Yes, that’s what they do. When the lies and cheating get to a point when YOU become an obstacle , they usually disappear. When I found my ex’s nasty picture exchange he also took off. I guess when we become too smart we get disposed of. I laugh about it now. That drama I don’t want to ever go through again my life. I do not even have good memories of him anymore. everything was a pain with him. Simple things, trying times , we were never able to be a “team ” , he was ALWSYS AGAINST ME. And this is not love.
So true about the getting to smart. Pretty much the same thing with me. My days were numbered when I found out about all the women. Including the HOMEWRECKER. Funny he was cheating on me with the HOMEWRECKER and cheating on her with someone else and texting still another one wanting to hook up. Hahahaha.
I am standing by the no talking or seeing him. I know I’ll be set back if I do see him. Just do t want to do it.
Kaya, you’re right that is there MO to dissapear. I’m really trying to work on forgiving myself. This is something i’ve been working on in therapy. I told her in tears i feel like I’m beating myself up with blame. She then asked me this question “do you think those women that ted bundy murdered deserved to be murdered”? The tears stopped and it was like a light bulb moment…i said “OH MY GOD NO!! “no one deserves to be killed like that. Then she said “ok then what makes your situation different? You didn’t deserve to be lied to and treated badly just like they didnt deserve to be killed!!!!” she’s right SOOOO right!! My spath wasn’t a serial killer like bundy but what she said to me really did help! It helped like i said in 3 months since he’s been gone i still cry, get angry, etc. but i feel this way because he was an illusion!
Caitlyn
Forgiving yourself is a hard part, for me it was. Especially because I put my son 18 years of his life through this drama with the husband. When I really started to face the truth and the pain that came with it , I finally found freedom. I was hurting for a along time , probably a year or so. Even after filing for my divorce , I felt like a failure. Then I started to transform myself in ways that I did not know. My inner light that was shut down for so many years started to shine again. I finally trusted myself again. I acted in ways with him that to this day I cannot believe. He brought out the worst in me. For all that I forgave myself. I did not know what puppet I had become until I removed myself from this craziness. And I finally realized nothing positive comes out of a conversation with him. It would give him another chance to humiliate ,blame and call me crazy again. Let him go off to his fantasy world of sex and whatever, let him be with the minions. I don’t envy the other woman /whore anymore. I feel sadness and pity for her. Eventually there will be a younger , fresher one crossing his path and she will be history. And if not that’s ok too because it’s not part of my life anymore. He did not succeed in destroying my good qualities, he was trying to turn them all in ugly flaws. I still have my good qualities. I wanted peace and harmony in my marriage I stress I got abuse and drama. The human spirit CANNOT be destroyed. I now have my self respect back and I am free.
It has only been 3 months for you. I was a total mess 3 months after he left. That’s about the time I filed for divorce. I will never forgive him, but I do not have hate. The opposite of love is indifference. And that’s what I feel for him. As far as forgiveness , that’s on him. He needs to ask God for that. That’s not my place. But evil will never ask for forgiveness because they think they are God.
Lovely words of validation!
https://lovelywoundedlady.wordpress.com/
SITC
Strong in the city: Thanks for that link. It’s great. Sometimes i feel like i need to print out positive quotes and hang them on the walls so i can remind myself that i will get through this and i’m not the disoredered one. Mornings are so terribly hard for me!!!
Caitlyn,
You are welcome!
I have included another link that talks about making a vision board..something to look at and give you inspiration on those days you have to force yourself to get out of bed…
I totally understand.
https://youtu.be/k_PACAqM__0
One foot in front of the other.
Hugs,
SITC
Having a rough day. Im with you caitlyn. Trying the one foot in front of the other but i find myself tripping over my own feet. Im having trouble trusting everyone know. Ill be out with a really nice guy and think he is just tricking me, and than it brings back overwhelming thoughts of my ex and how did i not see it? Why did i believe what he said?
Dear what happened.
Sorry your having a bad day. One foot in front of the other is progress. Even a couple of steps back is expected. I’m in the one foot in front of the other stage myself. Tripping is a part of my everyday. Be kind to yourself. The vision board sounds like a good thing. I’m going to try it
whathappened,
Did you leave?
How are you doing?
This is going to be a rough next couple of weeks.
SITC