Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
To my LF friends and newcomers,
For Christmas I received the book, To Bless the Space Between Us, a Book of Blessings, by John O’Donohue. He wrote about awakening to trauma. The passage below resonated with me and I wanted to share. Blessings to all of you as we enter this new year.
For Someone Awakening To The Trauma of His or Her Past:
For everything under the sun there is a time.
This is the season of your awkward harvesting,
When the pain takes you where you would rather not go,
Through the white curtain of yesterdays to a place
You had forgotten you knew from the inside out;
And a time when that bitter tree was planted
That has grown always invisibly beside you
And whose branches your awakened hands
Now long to disentangle from your heart.
You are coming to see how your looking often darkened
When you should have felt safe enough to fall toward love,
How deep down your eyes were always owned by something
That faced them through a dark fester of thorns
Converting whoever came into a further figure of the wrong;
You could only see what touched you as already torn.
Now the act of seeing begins your work of mourning.
And your memory is ready to show you everything,
Having waited all these years for you to return and know.
Only you know where the casket of pain is interred.Â
You will have to scrape through all the layers of covering
And according to your readiness, everything will open.Â
May you be blessed with a wise and compassionate guide
Who can accompany you through the fear and grief
Until your heart has wept its way to your true self.
As your tears fall over that wounded place,
May they wash away your hurt and free your heart.
May your forgiveness still the hunger of the wound
So that for the first time you can walk away from that place,Â
Reunited with your banished heart, now healed and freed,
And feel the clear, free air bless your new face.
KeepinOn,
Lovely,thank you for sharing!
SITC
Update- What’s going on?
Still no contact-yeah!
Started working with a life coach!-Yeah!
Quit my spath infested job-Yeah!
Short on cash-boo but start new job Monday.
Depression returned with a vengeance-boo BUT started TMS therapy again and already feel better.
The feelings of all of the terrible things the spath told me would happen?
Guess what – none of it did.
I no longer feel like a prisoner or terrified.
It does get better and everyday more and more of the disordered one’s are being exposed.
Happy 2016!
SITC
Woweeee string in the city. How wonderful for you brave girl. I am so happy for you. What a great way to start 2016. You are my hero for today.
emtuoba,
Thank you!
Yes, lot’s of beautiful new changes and self care!
It gets better everyday!
It’s work I won’t lie but support is key so keep posting, venting.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Stillwaiting(and anyone else that still feels stuck-me included)
Please watch this video!
It explains getting stuck in their energy.
EXCELLENT
https://youtu.be/Gz3p0oGd64Y
Hugs,
SITC
I watched this. It was great. There are more there. I watched some of them also. I liked it very much. Thank you.
Thanks strong, congrats on new job, and I pray the sessions will help with the depression. It comes in bouts and ugh doesn’t feel like you can move forward. 2016 will be a better year for all of us. I know there’s hope at the end of this rainbow. I pray we all find the love we desire.
Strong
I totally enjoy his videos, Assoc Direct has been a great tool for me to use when I feel stuck. This is another great video regarding getting stuck and trying analyze and understand the spath. I totally agree that when we stay focus the spath we continue to give them control and it hinders our growth and healing process. Thanks for all the great information on creating a safety plan. Very useful and happened gave me some great advice as well. It hasn’t reach the level for the police but I want hesitate to call if he attempts to contact me.
Strong in the city.
You cannot know how your joy has affected me. Just the shot in the arm that I needed tonight. Wow. A new job. A life coach. What is TMS ? I cannot be happier for you. What a great ending to this roller coaster of a day to see you so joyous.
emtuoba,
Thank you and keep working on you.
Keep up all the work you are doing.
Having the support has been a lifesaver.
I used to(still sometimes do) freak out about every little think that was not perfect.
Letting go of a lot of that negative energy is helping tremendously.
TMS is a non invasive equivalent to ECT for severe depression.
It’s mainly used for people like me that do not respond to medication.
How are you doing???
NC, right? LOL!!
Hugs,
SITC
Thank you to all of you. For all your kind words and encouragement. Remember. “You world is not falling apart, it is falling into place “. Wishing all of you a happy, peaceful 2016. Every year without my ex husband is a wonderful year. Because I am free of him. Because I have the victory and u have the control. So grateful. God bless all of you in your strength to recover, to go on and be resilient.
Happy News Years may 2016 bring new blessings and healing to all.
kaya48,
Love button inserted here.
I love the “falling into place”
We are the pioneers of getting the word out on this.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Happy New Years Everyone. I’m wishing you the best 2016 has to offer. I consider myself very lucky to have discovered you all here. Thank everyone so much for all your kindness, your ongoing patience and your support. I am pretty certain you all have helped saved my life.
Thank you so Much.
Happy New Years Emtuoba,
We are all so blessed to have each other. I am going to watch the video from strong.
I read somewhere that healing and recovery takes about 2-3 years , especially after a long term marriage/relationship. I absolutely agree with this. Now , almost 3 years after the discard I can say that I completely detached myself from my past with him. I don’t remember the so called good times anymore. It’s like he does not exist. And the biggest accomplishment “no matter what he throws my way, he cannot get a reaction out of me. ” I have learned to be totally immune against his insults. I changed my phone no, email and I am not on social websites. The only way he can get a message to me is through my alimony check. And I don’t read his crap anymore. It was a painful , difficult road of recovery. But at no time did I feel weak or defeated. I felt empowered and strong. What a change from being a little puppet who cried nonstop being with him
I hope that 2016 will be such a good year for all of us here. Free of the drama and craziness. And who knows,maybe we will find someone who dsmserved out love and happiness. Until then I am completely fine on my own.
You were an unpleasant memory; now you’re my reminder. You’re my reminder to be more cautious of the people I invest my time in. You’re my reminder to see people for who they are and not for who I want them to be. You’re my reminder to fall in love with how people treat me, not what they tell me. But if by chance I do fall for the wrong person again, you are my reminder that I can survive the worst.
Wow waiting. What a powerful message. I saved this for me. A daily mantra. Thank you.
Emtuoba,
Hope you are doing well, today is one of those days I have to push myself out of bed. I pray 2016 will bring us the joy and healing we need. I am actually excited and resolved to take better care of self and working on loving me.
We are much in the same spot today. Just rest. Think good thoughts and try to breathe through it. Crazy isn’t it. I know my ex hadn’t a care in the world and I’m struggling to breathe. Wish I could help you feel better still waiting. I’m Just letting you know you are not alone. It’s bound to get better. Everyone says so. Got to be true right.
Emtuoba
I pushed myself out of bed and spent the rest of the day and late evening with my niece and great niece. Shopping and dinner, although my funds are limited it felt so good. Bought a mattress pad and this metal and wood sign that with the word RELAX…:) and a electric back massager. All those things made me feel better and I felt encourage to clean. I hope this week is going well and I know you’re probably getting prepared to turn over the dog. I pray things work out for you. God Bless
still waiting,
I love this.
I a going to write this in a sharpie marker on a poster board to look at every day!
Excellent!
XOXO,
SITC
Strong,
I have read it and take heed to it. Anything, that encourages. How long after the non contact should we consider dating again or entertain the thought. I am not dating but have been talking with this guy and he might be a spath as well. 🙁
stillwaiting,
Just came across this post.
I wish I had the answer to that question.
I just think you will know when you are ready.
Please give an update on this person!
Good work scoping it out!
SITC
Strong, yes I saw all the signs and attempted no contact several times. He would tell me I can’t bail out on the kids that needed me at risks kids he has mentor and art programs for. We met last Saturday for dinner and to go over paperwork. Long story short I ended up in bed with him. After a few glasses of wine and the snake charming all logic left. The next morning of told him I had to leave her said how dare I leave and all the work wasn’t done.. °\ and that I was selfish and all I cared about was myself. I was baffled but absolutely sure he was a spath. He text later to ask if I made it home. I ignored him. The following he called I answer it was different number. He apologize said that he had thought things through and realize he was being unreasonable and that he needs to deal with me different because I was sensitive and have trust issues. He bought me a pair earrings and chain as a symbol of peace. Thursday night he came to my house to finish working on grant once he arrived he said he was tired and just wanted a drink then relax. I let him sleep the next morning he wanted me up at 5 am working on paper and cooking him breakfast at the same time also he drives trucks long distance so he had to leave before 7 am to pick up his load. He scolded me like I was a kid on the way to his truck saying I am making him late, I am irresponsible and no wonder if am not working. I felt like crap. So foolish of me Remember gave great advice my gut was telling me no and still i yielded to his con game. I wrote him a long letter and told him that he was crazy and from this point on I will not deal with him. In true spath form he didn’t respond which I expected. I have myself one day to mope, cry, kick myself in the behind and that was yesterday. I vowed to allow only one day afterwards all those feelings of anger must expire. Up out of the bed being productive today if my mind even begin to wonder if stop and reflect to something else. This is truly not about him but me, I have some deeply rooted issues or dislike for myself to continue to attract these men and my inability to make decision that a 2nd grader would know better.
Stillwaiting, Emtuoba,
You guys are doing the right stuff, posting here, reaching out and getting educated.
For every person it takes as long as it takes.
This opens our eyes to our whole life, and we must greive the past. Our old selves before we knew.
We will never be who we were again, because we know.
I look around daily and I see them often. Sometimes it takes me a little bit to figure it out and some I can tell upon first interaction. It bothered me for a while, but now it’s almost humorous, like a game…can I spot the sociopath?!
You will get there, I promise.
Happy, healing, health-conscious, New Year!
xxooo
Remember,
I think I am a spath magnet or I am super paranoid. But, I am going with my gut feelings. I am sure this guy that volunteers his time working with kids and at risk individuals is spath. I have been helping him with his non profit business plan and 501 c3 he’s come on to me. Not the lovebombing but trying to move really fast, seeking validation for everything he does, when I tell he has said or done something I feel is inappropriate he turn it around and makes me feel like I am overreacting. I want to help but I think I should back out of helping this guy because I am starting to feel anxious and this feels very familiar to me. Spoke with him shortly this morning I will come up with a reason why I want be available and turn over my resources to him and go full no contact.
stillwaiting,
Go with your gut on this one.
Your own intuition is kicking into gear for a reason.
Perhaps take some time away, a few weeks and reevaluate the situation?
Sounds like some red flags here.
Most important is your feelings and not his.
I have adapted a new “that’s not my problem ” approach when I encounter this and remove myself.
That anxious feeling is there for a reason.
Good work!
SITC
Okay. I have to do the that’s not my problem and stick to it…I am so vulnerable encountering that type of behavior can definitely send me over the edge.
Stillwaiting,
It’s not paranoia, it’s super-awareness, haha. So, you get a vibe, you get a feeling, so, go with it. Trust your body, and if you are wrong, so what. You go with your intuition. I recently knew one of my neighbors was messed up, but I fell for the nice act. It wasn’t long before I pinched myself and looked clearly at his behaviors! I think it was a test. Now when I see him my skin crawls. We were friends, well, fake friends. He is full psycho! I was not dating him. Now, I don’t even make eye contact with him.
I live in a busy city, and it is swarming with them, from ghetto all the way to rich.
You got this girl!
Go with those feelings you get.
Remember,
Thanks for your response, I almost wrote I broke no contact but the truth is haven’t started it didn’t go as I planned. I informed of my plans to provide him with the necessary resources to obtain his 501 C3 he said I shouldn’t place him in the same box as the spath and that I should not spend my life running and in fear.
My gut is completely confused and I know that’s one of the signs. I hate to come this far with no contact from the spath and get back into the same thing. It’s like I am a spath magnet. I am a highly sensitive person that men see as needy, not from a financial stand point. The yearning to be loved and the loneliness. This would be so much easier if he wasn’t doing all these great things with at risk youth. I am going through the checklist again to check all the signs.