Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
This is the advice someone gave me almost 3 years ago.
When you even think about breaking the no contact the following will happen:
You give the control back to him
You face further rejection, and heartache and undoing ALL your good progress
You will never get an honest answer from him (he couldn’t tell the truth when you were with him, why would he start now ?)
If he does speak, he is likely to tell you how great life is without you, say thank you for helping him on his way, he has met someone new, put you down, blame you, use this opportunity to manipulate and use you further.
Every time I felt I wanted to text him or email him I looked at the above. Did I really want more hurt and be left in tears again? Did I really want to start my no contact counting day calendar anew ? Did I want to hear what a crazy ex wife I am ? Did I want to hear how I destroyed the marriage ? The answer was always No. I never responded or called or checked a Facebook page of him or the minion. Because I know that my scars were not healed yet. My wounds would be bleeding all over and he would have his victory. And I would never give that to him again.
In my opinion staying strong in the contact is the single most important thing we can do. By ignoring them we can remove them of their God like pedestal and reduce them to worthless garbage. See how the tables turned. Once I was the garbage he threw out and now he is not worthy enough to be acknowledged. And that’s where we win.
I just found this in my journal from 2 years ago :
NOTHING is worse than deceit, betrayals, lies, cheating and abuse. Living with a narcissist/sociopath is like a terminal illness. It eats away at you from the inside out, day after day, until you are so weak that you don’t care anymore and the last of your essence fades away.
Since the discard and my divorce I have been happy , secure and content. I was always afraid of the big unknown but it can actually be a pretty nice place. I just wish I would have found the strength to file for divorce much sooner. It would have erased 20 years of crying and trying to change a person who just just can’t change. He will always be evil. I should have removed myself and my son much sooner. So all of us should take a discard or divorce, breaking up , as a blessing. It will take some time to see the truth but once you do, it’s so freeing , empowering and so victorious.
awh kaya
So sorry you suffered so long. I’m glad you are finding peace. Great journaling. Very helpful for me. Every day is progress for me thanks to you and others.
Thank you so much.
Kaya,
In response to NC. I agree 150%. I fully know that my power is in non-aknowledgement/ignoring them.
Forever- Amen.
Emtuoba
So glad you are also doing better. You are so absolutely right , every day is progress. I did suffer a long time , back then I thought it was the normal. Since my ex husband was deployed most of his army career it was easier for me to accept that life. I was mostly by myself with the child. Once he retired from the military and a “normal” work schedule as a cop, this is when all hell broke lose. Now he was not able to hide his secrets that easy anymore. When he was thousands of miles away I had no way to check what female soldier in the unit he was sleeping with. But living under one roof slowly us secret life emerged. Little by little did I put the pieces of the puzzle together. And I think your intuition is always right. There was no proof yet but I knew he was up to something. There was nothing I could do it be like that would make me worthy in his eyes. I was the biggest obstacle in his life. I later found out that he had sec with her every night shift they worked together. And that was 5 nights a week. And you know my therapist always said “a relationship that started in lies and deceits will not last “. I used to think about that but now I don’t care who he is with. I nod know that the problem was his insecurities, his dark desires and even if I was miss America he still would have cheated. He made me believe that I was to blame but I learned that it was part of his manipulation and discarding plan. We are much better if without a person who puts us through so much pain and tears. It would be for the best if he would never have another relationship and just friendships with whores. But that would be none of my business. At least I am not at risk of catching some disease from one of his party girls. I am sure that now that he must pay half of his income to me , the minions will look for someone younger or wealthier. Maybe one day he will realize that you only have one family. I pray for him to wake up one day and repent but that’s between God and him. He will never get forgiveness from me. Because he simply does not exist for me. M
Again Kaya I am so sorry. I was in it only 5 years. But it was the same. I think he was always cheating with someone. He was just so charming. I believed more than anything that we were friends. I believed we would always be friends. I believed he would always be there for me even if we were with other people. Wrong ! I’m realizing now that every achievement he made in his life he made with the recourses of someone else. I gave him a home and a truck. I cooked cleaned and did laundry. Katherine boarded his horses. The HOMEWRECKER gave him b— jobs in parking lots where ever they hooked up, the other girl helped him with new friends, finally a rich banker backed him in his latest venture. Nothing done on his own. I’m sure there are others that he used I’m just not aware of them.
The HOMEWRECKER is an idiot. Doesn’t she realize that he was living with me and cheating ? He is living with her now it won’t be long before he is cheating on her. He loves the drama. He’s down one woman (me)
He will need to fill that supply. What idiots they both are. Planning s wedding one week after leaving here. Crazy.
I don’t care about him anymore. Not really. This site brought it all home. More than just s aha moment. Every story from every broken heart was my story just a little bit different.
I was out of bed today. I bathed. Hahaha. Washed my hair. Combed my hair. Miracles ! I cleaned the garage. Washed dishes and washed my kitchen floor. Now that is the best day I have had in a very long time.
Let’s hope this holds. We have to negotiate the truck this week. I maybe going to get stuck with a 30,000.00 piece of crap. God I hope not.
Emtuoba
Wow what a story. So sorry what he did to you. I think they are all in some way perverted. I never saw it coming ,I never thought this highly respected military person , police officer would go that low. And yes you are right , the other minion is a home wrecker. She knew he was married, she knew he had a family. And still she would send him naked pictures of herself. Where is her self respect ? No values, no nothing. Like yours, mine played right along. You know it must be all exciting and new playing those games. When life becomes routine , all changes. When they have affairs they only see the new , sexy , happy attitudes of the whores. When my husband got served with divorce papers, his first text was “why did you that for “? Still an arrogant jerk. He thought I gave my attorney a 5000$ retainer to make him come back to me. Really ?
I am so sorry to hear about the truck. Is that in your name ? Is there a loan on it that you have to pay for ? I lost so much monetary things. My dream house , many material things. But you know everything is replaceable but we only have one life.
I am glad you did those chores today. The first few months I just forced myself to work every day. I know I was a mess. It does not last forever , it gets better. Really, one day I woke up , I went to the ocean (I live only a few miles) , I looked at the sunrise. Yes , the sun was coming up and I am still alive and decided No more. I was completely done. From then on I took it one day at a time. And I got my smile back. Sometimes my co workers asked “wow you are going through a divorce and you look so happy , you are glowing. ” they did not know the details. I was just at peace with myself and the decision to divorce him. It was the beginning of my new life. Hang in there. 5 years is a very long time. And you are young. I am 50 but I feel so much younger than when I was with him. I am focusing now on my future . He lost control over me and this how we win.
You know there are only 2 primary emotions in life. LOVE AND FEAR. I got rid of the fear and replaced it with love. Love for the things I do, love for my son, love for my work , love of my beustiful environment and love for myself. I started to be realistic. I am my own best friend now. People can come and go in my life, but each day the one person that I need to wake up to is ME . You have to find the wonderful , creative , beautiful YOU and then you will be ok. I promise.
Hahaha Kaya. I am older than you. I look and act 50 or younger but 50 was a while ago for me. Yes the truck is in my name. I was pretty stupid. It was part of our 5 year plan. What a joke. I hope he/they will do the right thing and refinance the damn thing. We will see where we are at this week. I’m hoping for the best.
Kaya. 50 is the new 40. Don’t sell yourself short. You are amazingly strong. Keep making your life as joyous as you can.
Emtuoba
Thanks for the encouragement. 40 sounds great :). I hope you will get the truck thing accomplished. Just have faith. God is in control.
I had moments in my divorce case when I just had to give it to God. When I thought my ex would be able to manipulate the court and judge and attorneys especially being a cop. But he was defeated. From the filing on my attorney had the upper hand. Remember the opposing attorney was the ex wife. It was his first case against her. I could really write a book. Not sure what happened , but God led me to this lawyer. I talked to a few other ones but never felt they were strong enough , I needed a powerful one on my side. And he was the one. Not knowing that he used to be married to my ex’s lawyer. What a crazy story. I live in a decent size place with hundreds of divorce attorneys. It was all Gods plan. And I know how much God hates divorces.
Good luck with everything. Glad you found this site. It was such an anchor for me through my tough times. Remember tough times don’t last , but tough people do.
Hi everyone.
I’ve been gone from these pages for quite a while but am alive and doing very, very well. Especially as I went “no contact” on an alcoholic ex-lover last spring. Sad, but I actually believe I left him for dead — and don’t feel a whole lot of regret. It’s just the way things are with an alcoholic, and my decision was to take care of me for a change.
I was alerted today to this story in The New York Times, and wow, did it ever remind me of the stories related here. I don’t believe this guy for a second. Perhaps Donna will run a story on him, or already has.
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/12/26/us/marc-gafni-center-for-integral-wisdom.html?_r=0
Stay safe, love yourself, and have a very Happy New Year.
kaya48
I wanted to say happy new year and all the best to you in the upcoming year. I have been reading a lot and not posting but have seen how supportive you still are and wanted to say hello and all the best!
You have come so far ahead and you have remained a wealthy source of information and guidance to everyone here. Your great advice has been what inspired me last year when I began my nightmare.
I am very happy to see you are doing well and wish you nothing but the best 🙂
Jane doe
How is everything for you ? So glad to see your post. Yes, I am still standing strong. Almost 3 years of no contact and so proud of it. Life is still great for me and my son. How about. You ? What happened with the foreign girl ? Is he still married to her.
Hi kaya
Yes they did marry. I assume for the moment all is “well” with them…when he isn’t saying things about her. He has contacted me several times since he’s married a year and a bit ago. I suppose typical behavior for these types..trying to make all kinds of promises and plans,
And then disappears for a couple
Months. Very disorganized and all over the place with his thoughts and ideas, lies and sneakiness, very covert. Something I failed to see when with him.
I’m getting there though. I have really seen his true colors the past year. I am much better than I was a year ago, thanks to many on here for opening my eyes to what was going on.
I’m guessing there has been nothing from your ex that has resurfaced? So glad you are happy 🙂
Thanks Jane doe
No nothing from my ex what is good. He writes his occasional nasty notes with the alimony. I am not reading them anymore. Always the same. Blaming me for “being an awful wife, the worst mother in the worlds etc”. Just trying to get a response. Which he will not get. My son knows the truth and he is still living with me while attending college. He has done great in his studies and he is nothing like his “father”. We know that any contact with him would result in the same. “your mother is a crazy, insane b****”. Things like that , so why going back. My lawyer mentioned that the ex is not happy about his “new free life”. But that’s his problem.
So your ex and her are married now. Wow. So glad you are seeing the truth and starting to recover. I never found out the entire truth but I am ok with it. I had my closure. My divorce was the closure and also the beginning of my
healing. I am still grateful for my attorney who fought so hard for me and eventually rob the case. Without him I would still be crying over the ex. He gave me a lot of support and hope to put an end to it. I always have him on my side , “ready to go to war” if something comes up. I truly hope my ex will find a minion who can make him “happy” but that’s probably impossible. 2016 will be another good year. I know because he is not in my life anymore. Stay strong and one day your ex , just like mine, will have to answer to a God .
Thanks Kaya
You’re a true inspiration. I often refer to you as someone who has valuable input.
As an outsider and not as “hurt” as I was a year ago, I see what is going through his head. I don’t expect change not at 60 years old. I see how he approaches me, as though he isn’t married, making promises and trying to make plans, which at the beginning I was excited about. Each time I hear from him, I feel less excited and more disgusted. Because if he does this to his new wife, he did it to me with others. I have no doubt.
I realize that he is a sick man with perhaps more than being SN or P. Thinking back with a clear mind now, I see behaviours I didn’t see and can’t understand what I felt. This was truly a wake up call. And the fake good times were exactly that, now I know.
It’s odd though, with each contact he attaches a picture of himself. Now all I see is a seedy con man, manipulator and liar who does not feel happy with himself, considering his horrible and tragic upbringing and no guidance to show him how to be.
Thanks so much kaya