Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Jane doe
Thanks for your kind words. I still feel empowered by regaining control over myself and my behavior again. For so many years my ex tried to push my buttons for me to act in ways I will never be proud of. Only to later portray me as crazy, insane etc. I am glad you see your ex as for what he really is. My ex grew up in a large family , no emotions allowed , no love shown. I am sure it had something to do with how he is now , how he left at the age of 18 to join the army , to get away from his upbringing. His father also was a cheater and a liar, an angry person who left the family after 25 years. I am so glad I removed myself from this craziness of my ex’s world. It was so exhausting for me. To constantly be on guard not to show him the wrong emotion , to play detective , to be hurt and betrayed. It was mentally so unhealthy. Like I said my blood pressure is much better, no more heart racing and no more worries and fear. Did I think I would survive it 3 years ago ? No, I thought it was the end of my existing , my dreams and my entire world shattered into so many pieces. But nothing fell apart , everything fell into place. I am still the same person I always was and this experience will not define me. Instead I am strong now, no more fear of the unknown (we are in control anyhow) and I will never be a puppet for anyone again. He can now play his games with the minions. They all deserve each other.
stillwaiting,
Trauma bonding…Donna’s videos, this video try to read as much as you can.
These people are con artists..a red flag to me was when you said he was an OTR driver.
Not to say they all are spaths but from what I have read they are notorious cheaters.
One day at a time.
Is this the same spath or a different one?
https://youtu.be/xMzVLqc3BeY
SITC
Strong
Thanks I will watch video, he just started the otr driving but still I am sure he doesn’t consider himself as a cheater due to his unwillingness to commit. He has an admin assistant I am sure he sleeping with although he will call her in front of me and talk business. His thing is to project. Also, he says my dad and mother knows about you I let you in my world. The youth his program helps all come from single parent homes and I will bet he has slept with most of the young mothers. He does radio and television shows to promote what he does in the community again to keep the spotlight on him. I should have known better. No this is a new one. Still no contact from the other. Don’t even think about him. I get block calls but I ignore. Once I confronted the idiot he said I don’t want nothing to do with you. Lol,knowledge is key when used correctly. Sometimes I feel lonely and my desire to help others keep me from my own reality. Thanks again for being here and not judging.
Still waiting to he my life back
I don’t think it is about you at all. It is about how you respond to him. When we stay in unhealthy abusive situations, we are actually encouraged to tolerate evil. Staying no contact does not mean I don’t trust God, it does not mean that I think God is powerless against the sociopath/narcissist. It means that I will not allow MYSELF to be in a toxic relationship anymore and that I recognize that my OWN emotional state of health , my spiritual growth , my physical state is being hindered and compromised.
Remember God does not need you in order to work for him.
When I started the absolute 100 percent no contact I finally realized that waiting for my ex to change over a 20 year period of time ate away my self confidence and self esteem. His lack of empathy , compassion , emotions was a constant reminder to me if my unattractiveness, my lack of appeal Nd it encouraged the belief that I was unwanted and without value to anyone. And that’s exactly what ex was feeding off, the control he had over me and power over me. You have to remove yourself completely out of this relationship , with your heart and your brain ,and you will see how toxic it was . It took me about 3 months after the discard and my divorce filing to finally see and ACCEPT the truth. And to be honest it set me free and it gave me MY life back. The only way to get there was to cut off ALL communication with him. For then, for now and forever.
Kaya48,
I am writing this with tears in my eyes. Everything you said is true. I sought answers here and received great advice, I prayed on it and my gut told me to steer clear. My soul was willing but my flesh was weak. I have had nightmares 2 nights in a row about a stranger coming into my room raping me and I can’t move, scream or wake up. Strangely, I know to pray and call out to the Lord. I let that demonic spirit in my bed on Thursday and he left those evil spirits behind he’s an atheist, the Lord is my savior. Except for helping disadvantage youth and others we have nothing in common. I woke up he turned my spiritual signs around so he didn’t have to read them. I wish I could tell someone close so we could pray that spirit leaves. I will open the windows and demand it leaves in the name of Jesus and write His name over door posts. Thank you guys so very much as I thought about slipping deeper into depression I pushed myself up and said no. No pity party your actions have consequences and suicide and depression is not an option.
stillwaiting,
1800-799-SAFE is the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
http://www.thehotline.org/
Please call or chat.
It is domestic violence.
I feel your pain.
You did nothing wrong and it’s not your fault, you are not crazy.
You are the victim of domestic violence and these folks have been very helpful.
We love and care about you.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong,
I called the hotline again and spoke with a person that’s been where we have. She was awesome, she told me to go to YouTube and watch thriver TV and research jezebel and the narcissist. My homework for tonight. Still no local counseling but that’s okay. She reminded me of how their goal is to control and instill fear. He’s called several times since my last post. I didn’t respond
Thank you guys so much love all of you. Also, I received a job offer commission only. I want be selling only signing people up for free cell phones through universal life. I will see a friend does it and makes a 1,200 a week but it’s 1099 no benefits.
stillwaiting,
Hi!
Sorry for the late response.
I had to change jobs and have been working my behind off!
Did you take the job offer?
Please let us know how you are doing.
Hugs,
Stronginthecity
Yes, strong i accepted the offer reluctantly but it will be good to get out the house daily. I am doing okay I keep second guessing my choice to go no contact. I can’t help but wonder if what he said about me being true. He said I will be alone for the rest of my life because I will continue to make good men pay for the bad ones mistakes. Common sense and and guts no that’s a bunch of hog wash. My depression comes and goes almost with symptoms similar to bipolar. Up very up some days and barely moving other days. I have research and there is a diagnosis that includes both illnesses. Thank God for the American Care Act I was able to maintain my health insurance at a rate below 200.00 per month. Thanks for checking in, I hope all is well with you and others.
Still waiting,
Congrats on being able to keep your insurance at a rate you can afford.
I hope your moods level out and you feel better soon. It takes such a while to fully recover from this.
It happens in phases I believe.
Blessing and healig to you.
Still waiting
They all say that.
That’s them trying to control you.
There’s nothing wrong with you.
You are lovable and kind.
Mine said the exact same thing .
Work and keep yourself so tired to even think about crazy spath
I’m at work myself checking in
No contact
You have to
Sitc
Thanks remember, yes I pay that before I pay other things. Yes, we do get over it in phrases just like when we go through grieving process. My regret is allowing another spath to get close and although it was only for a short time. It still feels the same almost even worst than the first one. Ugh.
Strong, I know that’s another one of their conning tactics he consistently referring to himself as a good man. I will definitely continue no contact I don’t have an option at this point it’s either no contact or my sanity. I contacted one of the Christian talk show host he was a guest on and told her. She said once of air she realized what type a person he was. It’s like he spoke one way to get access on her show and immediately afterwards he told her they shared different values and cultures. His mom gave her a hug and told her to pray for him. Ugh, her and her husband will get the word out. Once he comes off the road from driving he want have those same outlets to recruit individuals he can manipulate such as young single mothers.
Wow. My ex was also an atheist. His darkness was so powerful, so overshadowing. But in the end it was God who fought my ex, my enemy , to give me victory. Believe me, I messed up so many times on the no contact. He came home a few times after the discard and treated me like garbage. I was called it like a “mc Donald’s paper bag”. After being used, it is worth nothing and just needs to be tossed in the trash. I once asked him where he moved to. After 20 years of marriage I thought it was a valid question. His answer was “do you think I tell you crazy a** b***** where I am living “. We have a son and he would not even tell me his address, I knew then he moved in with the co worker . Eventually I had it and put an end to it. My counselor always said ” do not let anyone treat you as an option, you are worth so much more “. And that’s exactly who I was. I was his wife but at the same time just an option, not worthy in his eyes, an obstacle. He would have loved if I was dead. And that’s exactly what I did not give him. Instead I hired the best lawyer and took him for everything in court. He always called me pathetic and weak and I showed him in court who had the power. He under estimated me completely. And that strength came from the Lord.
Please stay strong and do not let him back into your life. It’s the only way you can gain control over your own life. And think of yourself.
Kaya,
Thanks they don’t have a moral compass they feel they are self made and doesn’t have to answer to anyone. They feel they are God. I know my savior lives and this evil spirit was a test that I failed miserably. The lady from the hotline suggested I research jezebel and the narcissist and told me to watch thriver TV on YouTube. She was a believer and told me to put all my trust in God as she continued to remind that’s not what the hotline is for. She said God is going to use me in a mighty way but I need to love myself like I love others. I am sorry you had to endure that type of abuse with your son for 20 years. But to God be the glory you prevailed and drew strength from God and gained victory and power that supernatural power that only comes from him. Continued peace and blessings. Thank you guys so very much. I will keep you and strong updated.
ANOTHER REASON TO STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM LIARS:
Chicago man charged with knowingly having AIDS, his wife died from it then he gave it to his girlfriend- she sued him.
http://chicago.suntimes.com/uncategorized/7/71/167513/his-wife-died-of-aids-now-chicago-man-is-charged-with-giving-girlfriend-hiv/
SITC
Sick, why do most of them practice unprotected sex? And why do we allow them to be with us without protection and we know what type of scumbags they are?
IDK but never ever again.
Disgusting right?
Lord knows how many people they sleep with and many like prostitutes too .
They are just sick disgusting pigs and we are lucky to know it.
That poor woman who was lied to and contracted a deadly disease is a victim of the worst possible thing.
Sitc
He should be arrested for second degree murder and attempted murder.
Stillwaiting,
How are you doing?
Just checking in have an early morning tomorrow but wanted to say hi and see how you are doing.
I pray you are still NO CONTACT.
Please, please read or listen to the book PsychopathFree, it explains EVERYTHING and answers all the questions you may have.
Hugs,
Stronginthecity
A Psychopath “Database/reporting website”
http://datingpsychos.com/browse
FYI
Love,
Stronginthecity
Hi Strong,
I reported both of them on the site. Considering adding pictures.
Book review____
“Psychopath Free” by Jackson MacKenzie…
This book has been recommended to me for well ever..I finally am listening to the audio version today and OMG I mean Holy CRAP..
This book is describing my experience to a T .
Very validating.
If anyone here has any questions, what if, or I’m not sure then please read or listen to the free audio version on Amazon.
Hugs to all…
SITC
Hi Strong,
I didn’t see the free version I just search the book and all the comments and great reviews came up. I will go on amazon today as I so need it today. Ugh Thanks
Stillwaiting,
The audio version is free with a 30 day free trial but the downloaded version is only 9.99.
Worth every penny!
I really like the book because it answers all of those “what if” questions that were swirling around and gives lots of validation.
Are you ok?
What’s going on?
SITC
Yes, I called tech support. I will do 2 to 3 hours today. Funny, how he say you will be glad it happened to you. 🙂 That’s enough to peak and keep my interests. Again thanks.
You are welcome!
Paying it forward from all that helped me!
It’s true, you will be glad.
SITC
Strong,
Again thanks for all the resources you provide to help us heal and start or maintain no contact. I listen to the middle part of chapter 8. It was so hard to stop. 🙂 I also viewed the video with Mark. If I didn’t owe my therapist I probably would send to him. Lol, I need to pay him it’s only 75.00 but 150.00 and hour twice a month for a year was a waste although he did mention that my ex might be a sociopath. He told me he was like a tree soulless, I probe and ask more questions but that was it, he said it was nothing else to figure out. I think I should send to him his first name was Phil, I would call him Dr. Phil..because of his in your face approach like wake the hell up. Well it’s late I just wanted to thank you and wish all the ladies a better week. It’s February, sweetheart month. Ewww..I will take myself out.:)
stillwaiting!
You are welcome and I am so glad you listened to the book.
It’s a long one and I had to listen on 2 separate days.
Ha, the therapist I saw is not getting another penny from me because he portrayed himself in a position of knowledge to help me and had no clue, he’s lucky I do not report him to the medical board…sorry that’s just how I feel.
He did get paid by me and the insurance company for the first couple sessions.
You could ask the therapist to write off the balance?? IDK worth a try.
Haha I will take myself out too!
SITC
Strong, I hope all is well. I finished the audio book. Today, I will take the personality assessment sounds fun. Almost, a week no contact. Also, assc direct responded to email and offer to provide additional information by voice. I thought that was nice. I don’t remember if he put his name on any of the videos but he responded from a different email with his first and last name. Of course at first I was a little paranoid 🙂 Anyway, I hope all is well.
Still waiting
Congrats and prayers for no contact!
I’m so happy sounds like you are doing a lot of work on you.
One day at a time!
It’s all about you !
Limiting alcohol is a good and personal decision.
I think a glass of wine is ok ! Only you know what’s best for your body.
I love all the inspiration here!
That’s awesome that assc direct has offered help.
I wouldn’t be concerned about the 2 different email addresses .
Look at all we are all doing!
Going into work now.
It’s been a very trying last few days as I learn the personality of my new co workers!
Stronginthecity
Strong,
Thanks hun, it’s challenging trying to learn all those different personalities just be you and either they like you are not. The audio book mentioned something about our personality types we tend to want to people please. I am so over that. I hope today is better. I chose not to accept voice counseling because I don’t think it’s warranted at the time. Also, he handsome I need to work on boundaries. Hope that puts a smile on your face. Ttyl
I read this book more than once. I think probably one of the best books on the market. It could be the exact story of myself. What I found very interesting this the little shark fin on the front cover. My ex s most favorite hobby was shark fishing. Also sharks are portrayed as evil. I often take out the book and refresh my mind on this subject. It is so very well written and has so much great advice.
kaya,
Yes!
I am listening to the audio version…OMG I totally agree with you..
SITC
A new spin???
I dumped a psychopath . com
Any thoughts?
Is this breaking no contact?
SITC