Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Strong,
I am doing better, no contact for a few days now. Can’t get myself to delete all the conversations or the pictures. One day at a time. I just reported both of my spaths on that website. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the guts to post pictures. I will get the audio version of the book and hopefully the new job starts next week. The xanax held the drug test up. Lol…thanks for checking in I really appreciate it. Best wishes.
stillwaiting,
Try to listen to or read that book asap!!!!
It is excellent!!!!!!!
Yes, one day or hour at a time..no contact is crucial.
Delete bit by bit.
After a while even if you still have pics you won’t care anymore.
Educate yourself and take care of you….please.
This is a real life threatening situation.
I will check in tomorrow evening and Sunday.
Hugs,
SITC
Strong,
I looked it up the hook on Amazon. With all the technology audio books and ebooks I still prefer reading a real book in hand. Lol..
stillwaiting,
I do too but I wanted it right away and free!
BTW, regarding the website we all have impulsive thoughts and decisions, after a while of true no contact you will not feel like you have to do anything anymore.
Just continued education.
The book “How To Do No Contact Like a Boss” jumped started no contact in it’e truest form for me anyway.
No Contact is the best and most absolute “revenge” (it’s not about them) it’s a way for us to just walk away for good.
SITC
Strong,
I feel so sick and empty this morning. He sent a email I should have just ignored he disguised as needing a address to conduct business. I replied with and gave him the address. Afterwards, I received another email stating that I was starting to really piss him off, and that I had went off the edge, and that he didn’t email me for the address but to explain to me what happened. Then he said I was too far gone.
My email basically said per your request the address you requested is as follows :
Provide address and contact info and wished him.well.
As I write this to you it’s kinda funny but i didn’t feel this way last night. How could I have come this far and maintain no contact and started to feel again then allow this to happen. The last one wasn’t mean like this one. He’s very mean and verbally abusive. Going on Amazon to look for free version.
Strong,
I found it, I guess I have to sign up for free audio after 30 days is 14.95 but it appears I can cancel at anytime. Thanks again.
I will eat pie and listen to book. I love pies.:)
About this site that you are reporting them on. Please be very careful. If you mention names or pictures you could be subjected to possible legal actions. Like injunctions. Just a thought.
Kaya48,
I didn’t even take the time out to read the disclosure ewww. Maybe I should delete them especially the one that’s in the publish articles, videos, and have appeared on TV and radio. BTW, he just me.
kaya48,
You are correct.
I posted that link on an impulse with intention of bringing awareness.
I did not mean to fuel the fire for anyone.
SITC
stillwaiting,
Ugh.
Sorry you had to endure that abusive behavior.
True evil they are.
We are helpers and good people, that’s sometimes why we fall prey to this bullshit.
DISCLAIMER inserted here!
I am in no way shape or form a behavioral health professional, but I have been through this nonsense with any of these disordered people and post here so that I can share what I have learned and what has helped me get AWAY and stay away from these people and to deal with the spaths I have to deal with in my professional life.
A few months ago I was ready to give up, file for SSI and call it a day. I had no fight left in me whatsoever.
I woke up one day and said NO, I am not going to let other peoples shit ruin my life.
I have a career that I worked very hard to achieve and just recently get a job in again after I was out of that field for a number of years.
I was given a chance to go back and I am NOT looking back.
The one thing first and foremost was finding this website in 2013 and just kept reading and learning.
I also had to remove many people from my life including close family members.
I also had help from people here offline and I want to pay it forward.
You can do this too. I promise.
You recognize and know what is going on and it does take time.
I can not stress enough and I’m sure Donna and others here would agree that no contact, true no contact has to be implemented immediately.
You do not need to provide any explanation or reason why to anybody that is abusing you and this is abuse.
These people do not change and will only get worse.They are extremely bitter and self loathing sick people and will pick and pick until you are left wondering what frickin day of the week it is.
These people can cause destruction to anyone they are around and they love doing what they do.
Do not think for a minute they care for you.
They do not care for anyone other than them.
What you have described above is a perfect example of them doing experiments how to bring you back in.
They need supply.
That’s all.
They do not want a normal relationship. That’s too boring for them.
Please, please go full no contact.
There are many here who know that I came up with every excuse in the world for the entire summer why I could not change my phone number.
Change your phone number, block them from email.
If you don’t know how to Google it.
Block and permanently delete email.
Sorry to go on this but what you described above triggered me because I went through 10 years of this until I took control and legally removed this person from my life.
No contact, crickets chirping.
XOXO,
SITC
Strong,
I know I will get there,,listening to the 30 signs now. Omg, it’s funny I am on 14 and he’s each and everyone of them. He’s a notch up from my ex, straight text book example.
stillwaiting,
I am glad you are listening!
Check back later if you can stop listening!
I couldn’t!
You go girl!
These con artists are straight up cowards.
XOXO,
SITC
still waiting,
It’s still amazing to me how they all “fit the bill”
30/30= Full blown spath
Eerily similar.
SITC
Strong,
I understand, I block his cellphone and I have been on audio book most of the day the back here watch both videos and I sent asscdirect an email. He sent me another email this afternoon I wanted to delete without reading. I just couldn’t get myself to do it. Of course he called me every name in the book a harlot and accused me of being a liar and said I was brained washed and a big disappointment to everyone. I laughed his words don’t hurt me. I didnt respond and have no desire too. I will figure out how to block my email via Google. I do most things from my phone or tablet and the mobile sites don’t support most changes. I will log on using desktop.
stillwaiting,
I have gmail and it’s very easy to block emails and send them off to cyberspace.
It’s in the little cog wheel go to settings, on the very top in blue it says filters and blocked mails-click on this.
Then down in the lower third in blue again it says create a new filter-click this-you will get a pop up.
Enter the full email address you want to block on the first line then lower right of this box that says create create filter with this search. This will bring you to one more page that gives you options to send it to trash, etc.
Check delete it and never send to spam and then click create filter and shabam it’s gone.
Yes this is on my laptop and I know it’s different on the cellphone but it is possible to do, removes the temptation.
You will never know you received an email from that person!
You are addicted to the drama like I was hence the name of the post.
It is NOT your fault as you know.
It will take time and regaining your boundaries to tell hi to f off for good.
The video from Assc Direct where you draw a circle and put your narc stick figure in there with all the words and then you outside the circle, well I did it on paper yesterday and I had the entire circle filled with him (including devil horns )and so much clutter-then there was me outside the circle. Man that was powerful.
I am off today!
SITC
Strong,
I have Hotmail and I found it. But it seems like I want get them but they will go to a separate folder. I did the stick figure as well and I know for sure I don’t want to be in that circle with all that garbage, lies, scolding, criticism, evil, dark scary person. Because I have so little time invested in this one and called him out immediately he loathes me for that and it helps that I was able to catch on soon. But what would have been better if I had followed my gut and advice from you guys before I even made contact with him. I came here for support as soon as I expected based on our Internet interactions and phone calls. I tried to keep it professional and underestimate his power of persuasion. I made a poor decision knowing all I knew about these people maybe I am or was getting addicted to the drama. I know no good can come from these types and will maintain no contact. I no longer feel the need to go tick for tack with him. In closing in my last email I used the quote I heard in a song and see you use sometimes. It sucks to be you.
Click “Safe and blocked senders”.This can be found in the second column, under the “Preventing junk mail” heading. Clicking this option will open a list of three options.
stillwaiting,
Yeah!
I’m sure you will figure it out to make them disappear.
The video-I watched it before but only yesterday did it on paper, forming a perfect circle and writing all the junk inside.
Haha, yes, it does suck to be them!
Love it and use it a lot.
I love that we can spot them and know so much sooner now.
You sound good!
Do you ever wish you could just get a giant fly swatter and squish them?
Annoying little gnats.
SITC
Strong,
Hahaha, spath swatter let’s get that patented.:) This is a mental illness I will never fully be able to comprehend. We are taught to have empathy for people with disabilities i.e. mental health. However; these types don’t fit in the category because they seek to destroy never to build and a part of me does feel sorry that they will never know what love feels like, what heartache is, how to receive or give love. It really does suck to be them.
stillwaiting,
I am glad you found the free audio, yes you can cancel at anytime.
It’s a long book so get comfy.
It’s going to be ok.
We are all here for you!
SITC
I like the part when he said the claim to want peace and hate drama yet we witness more drama in these relationships then any others. Superiority, talking down to you. I am happy to hear you didn’t give up and was able to find work in your field. I can see how you may have felt like giving up and applying for ss. But, you have so much to offer the world in would have been a travesty and he would have won.
Yes , thank you for the positive words.
This has and still is a lot of work.
It’s easy to fall into the victim role with these monsters.
It’s a process.
Changing jobs was another thing I needed to do.
I realize this is not an option for everyone but was necessary for me to do.
Another great thing about the audio book is you can get things done around the house while listening.
Put clean linens on your bed, dishes or just paint your nails!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong,
Yes, shredding mail. Then I will fold clothes. Time is flying and I am enjoying every bit of it. They manufacture toxic love. Wow…how they talk about their ex, so you feel like you are the lucky one. He said I was too sensitive and needed thicker skin. I told him no I don’t need thicker skin you need a soul. Selfish prick.
Yeah you!
I have a mountain of mail to go through, great idea.
I am continuing listening today.
Chapter 8 addresses what you wrote above.
Happy shredding and cleaning up!
I cleaned out my fridge and loaded dishwasher!
Next…bills!
SITC
Hello all,
Wanted to share this exercise in perception, seeing yourself out of the spaths world.
https://youtu.be/FJJgrqrpzak
SITC
sitc
Thanks for putting me onto this guy. I’ve watched a few of his videos. I like that he makes ONE point, he doesn’t overload me. Each video has ONE message. I will Watch that message and think about it. Am going back to him now, just wanted to thank you and tell others you posted a good recommendation.
NotWhatHeSaidOfMe,
You are so welcome!
I am happy to share and glad you watched.
He is really spot on, right?
He will also answer personal emails.
Got some really great advice!
I have watched every video at least twice and go back to them frequently.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
sitc
Yes, I was watching the same video and now I watched another that was SO spot on, “Narcissists never forgive, they only resent you.” He emphasizes how they may hurt us and if they don’t think it was damaging enough, they go back and stay at it, hurting and hurting us. Yep, that was my ex. If I recovered before he thought I should have, he didn’t consider his work done until I was a mass of blubbering incomprehension. He’d punish until HE felt satisfied and sometimes it took quite a while for him to feel satisfied.
This guy gets it. How do you send emails? I don’t see how to contact him. Do I need to subscribe. I try not to subscribe b/c I don’t want anyone to track me.
NWHSOM,
Regarding Assc Direct’s email address, I sent him a private message on youtube but look at the fist few videos he posted I believe he has it listed in the more info section.
I am subscribed under another name I created just for youtube so I’m not sure if it’s revealed without subscription.
Hope this is helpful.
SITC
Strong
I am just aware of all that through my lawyer. He told me to be extra careful because any opportunity my ex will find he WILL use against me. I always have to be one step ahead and will not give him an inch crack in the door. I know in the past he filed an injunction against me and also tried to send me to a mental institution. My lawyer said the next thing would be criminal charges he will try to put on me. The best thing to do is stay no contact , and live your life the best way possible. Being happy and content is the best revenge.
kaya48,
Yes, you are totally right especially in your case.
Better to leave it alone.
We have all been through enough and I know not to feed the sociopath.
Now that I understand they feed off the drama, simply remove it.
I rarely think of the disordered one anymore.
I am more focused on taking care of me and concentrating on my new job that I love.
It does leave me nice and tired!
I am too tired to bother with what spath is doing as long as he stays away from me!
I cleaned out all of the miserable and manipulative people from my life and have space for new authentic friends.
Happy and content…ahhhhhh feels good.
SITC
To everyone on this website & whoever has been hurt by a Sociopath/Narc I am very sorry for your pain. Thankfully, I have been able to maintain NC at what will be 2yrs. this coming April! 🙂 Since no contact I have a better job, nicer place to live & I am free! I thank God everyday for the roof over my head & peace he has given me. Hoping in sharing what I have implemented in my life will help someone else. Thankfully, I do not have children w/my ex as some reading this do. I can’t even imagine or the ones who have had to sever ties w/children. My heart goes out to you.
“Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” It took me a long time to figure this out. How do you guard your heart? You set “Boundaries” in your life to protect your spiritual, physical & emotional well being. By doing so this has improved my quality of life & brought happiness. Not only that I am so much stronger & wiser from my experience & putting “Boundaries” in place for protection. “1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” “Matthew 7:15 “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.” I truly believe this is a great description of a “Sociopath & Narcissist!” By prayer I have asked God to give me wisdom & discernment to see people for their true heart. “Matthew 7:7 Ask & it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock or keep knocking & the door will be opened to you.” In my experience & everyone is probably different… it took me a while being alone by myself to start feeling normal again & stop doubting my judgement. For so long I couldn’t even tell what was real after my path left. With time by myself “not alone” because I had a strong support system including God & implementing protective measures as mentioned above I have no doubt when I start dating again… I will see the bad guys coming a mile away. Although they can appear in any area in your life… that is why it is so important to have “Boundaries” in place to protect yourself. I wanted to share this today because our lives don’t have to end in defeat. God has the final say not our enemies! Exodus 23:22 But if you shall indeed obey his voice, and do all that I speak, then I will be an enemy to your enemies, & an adversary to your adversaries. Proverbs 16:7 When a man’s ways please the LORD, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.
Have a beautiful & blessed day! 🙂
God’s Woman
This was right on time. I have been struggling with sleep the past few nights. One of my prayers have to limit and eliminate my dependence on wine as a sleep aid. I was at the drug store when email notification came through on my phone. I read and cried I know this is the sign I needed to pull off.
I am so sorry! 🙁 My heart breaks for you! 🙁 “Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Whenever I would want to make contact, have anxiety etc… I would start repeating this over & over in my head & I would start to feel comforted. Also, turning on meditation music, positive affirmations to fall asleep to helps a ton! Continue w/positive affirmations to rebuild your self esteem. YouTube has some good motivational speakers as well!
Never in my entire life have I had as difficult a time walking away from a relationship as I did the toxic one I was in. I guess if you could compare it would probably be like leaving any type of strong addiction. I was on my knees literally 10 times a day crying out to “God” to show me how to let go. I was ready & I wanted to so badly & I couldn’t. My fear was that if I didn’t let go he would kill me or seriously injure me. I was in the bible constantly. I didn’t want to have to rely on anything to cope w/the pain that would only be temporary relief & cause more damage. I was not eating, stopping going to the gym. My life was coming to a holt. I decided to try something out of desperation… I happened to know the carrier of his mobile device & was able to send him a text thru email that only said”myname.” I had broken all contact so he didn’t have anything of mine. Him just seeing my name was okay w/me. I told him that I forgave everything that happened between us. I did not blame him. They will not accept responsibility. I apologized for my doing as well. I never did anything to hurt him. Couldn’t imagine even after everything he did towards me. But I am sure I made at least one mistake in my time w/him. No one is perfect. I told him I wished him all the happiness in the world in ending. I never expected a response back but he did. His response, “thank you.” That was the last I heard from him. When that happened I had an enormous weight lifted off me. For so long I felt as if I was in a prison. I wanted to move on & didn’t know how. Forgiveness is a powerful thing. I found that to start healing I had to maintain “no contact at all” & to forgive was to let go. He never met any of my friends. Once my dad & aunt that was it. On almost 2 occasions 2 different friends of mine who never met him while we were together invited me to a few socials where he happened to appear within the last several months. One I saw a pic that was shown to me. There other he had literally been speaking to & praying with for sometime before this invite came up the last time. While they were on the phone & my friend put some things together after bring up my name & my ex whos attitude changed when my name was mentioned. Apparently never said anything bad about me just that he was going through a rough time in his life when he met me. Apparently had been putting himself down as well. It breaks my heart to know how he really feels about himself & because of that he projects that onto others. I pray for him. That is all you can do. I could have ended up at one of these parties where he was & then to have one of my friends inform me of their conversation about me which was definitely unexpected! God’s hand was in this all along. I never wanted revenge I just wanted my life back.
Cry out to God! Talk to him. “JOHN 1 5:7 If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.” He will hear you. Focus on yourself & relationship w/him so this never happens again. Be the Confident & Graceful woman he made you to be. 🙂 That is who you are!!! Your life will start to come back together. Somehow God showed up for me & he will do the same for you!
Gods Woman
Thank you for responding,
I think we were typing at the same time. Several things going on at once in my life. The wine only makes it worse once I wake up I still don’t feel rested as I should I am not going to lose hope it’s sad when you are dealing with a narcisst/atheist and he tells you to go pray for you fake God in the sky he hasn’t done nothing for you all these years. He just don’t know how faithful God has been to me throughout my entire life. Loving me although I didn’t love myself, removing people out of my life because I couldn’t do it myself. I am in a valley right now but, I have hope and faith that I am getting closer to living my full purpose as He has planned for my life. That’s why the devil has been so busy attacking me putting people in my path that’s designed steal and kill, and rob me of my identity. I know I have to stand strong, stay prayed up and sober minded because he is after me. Again, thanks.
Gods woman
This is very well written and do helpful. I too have a new happy ,peaceful life since I went no contact with my ex husband of 20 years. I started no contact almost 3 years ago and divorced him. Best decision I have ever made.
Just yesterday a friend of mine said “you are not over hiim yet because you must forgive him and you have not done that yet “. I do not agree with her at all. My ex husband was and is an atheist. He is a non believer. What are your thoughts on forgiveness ? Thanks so much.
Kaya48,
I struggled with the same question for a long time. Even after knowing we have to forgive according to the Bible. One of the scripture is fresh in my mind because I read it this morning. Most times I just pick up the bible and pray to be lead by the Spirit. The scripture I was lead to this morning is Matthew 18:21 the parable of the unmerciful servant. Peter came to Jesus and asked Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, I tell you not seven times but seventy-seven times.” Now for me I acknowledge I am a sinner and I repent and ask for forgiveness and He gladly forgives me. Also, I know I can’t expect forgiveness if I fail to forgive others no matter what they may have done to me and I must forgive myself as well. The latter being the hardest for me. Look at it this way as a gift to self to release the poison of unforgiven essential doesn’t mean you condone the behavior it means that it no longer have a hold on you and you will feel a burden lift off your shoulders. This is one of those fake until you make things. Say it daily God knows are heart eventually you will say it in prayers and one day you will I realize you truly mean it. It’s hard to fathom the thought of forgiving such evil ungodly people like your ex. But, once you get to that point of forgiveness it will make you feel so much better and then only then you will discover what freedom truly feels like. Read 21-35, you may not get it right away. Psalm 130:4, ephesians 4:32, 2 corinthians 7:14, Matthew 6:14.
Joyce Meyers said unforgiven essential is like taken poison and expecting someone else to die. Look at her YouTube videos on unforgiveness. Blessings
Still Waiting to get my Life Back,
Thank you for your response! I will ck out the Joyce Meyers video on YouTube. Ladies we are well on our way! 🙂
Yes, we are well on our way. I don’t like autocheck. I didn’t mean to type essentials. I meant unforgiveness. 🙂
Forgiveness is big! Personally for me because I was finally able to find a place to forgive & move it has brought me to a place where most long to be in their lives. You can’t buy “peace.” When I forgave & let go every bad memory, emotion & feeling has left. I have no feelings at all towards mine. If I saw him it wouldn’t phase me at all. In order for God to forgive us we have to forgive to.
To get your day started! 🙂
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UglO7SGUWk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KIhYZQ_ovw
Thanks songs are beautiful.