Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Friends, I want to tell you this, RE forgiveness… Two years out (after I ended a 26 year marriage to a Soc), I was filled with resentment and anger at all the people who abused me thru this time. I don’t want to specify, but it was people in official capacities, “devout Christian friends,” family, and many strangers. People who covered up for Ex because they’d committed crimes with him, etc. who could have caused us to be killed, and at the very least, harmed emotionally. In God’s mercy, I went to a rental cabin with my BFF, and she brought me a book, “The Bait of Satan.” It’s all about forgiveness, and has a specific prayer in the end. That week, on vacay, I read that book and walked thru that prayer with all the people who’d abused us. I was set free from the anger that week. My BFF couldn’t even remember where she got that book, but we both knew God sent it for me. Highly recommend that book.
Elizabeth, I haven’t read the book. But we did a bible /video study at my former church7 years ago. Great book/ video it’s by John Bevere. I need to look for the video and incorporate in my new years ritual 🙂
Thank you ladies for the information! Have a wonderful eve.!
http://preferpeaceovervengeance.blogspot.com/
Thanks for sharing, yes I can do all things through Christ.
stillwaiting,
Hi there I wanted to check in with you to say hi and see how you are doing.
I hope you are well and staying no contact or at least low contact.
Happy Sunday.
I am working today till 3PM and will check in later this evening or tomorrow.
SITC
Strong,
Thanks for checking on me, I am doing fine still no contact although I thought about it last night out of anger. I was at dinner last night with my grandkids and a couple sitting behind us caught my attention because of the way the guy was talking to the lady. I was facing her but could hear his ranting. I searched her face and saw her blank stare, unresponsive just accepting it. So helpless and I am sure clueless. Spoiled my appetite. That was my trigger i prayed and went to sleep. I hope you are doing well. Have you heard from emtouba? I hope all is well with her.
stillwaiting,
Hey there.
I am sick again(flu)..2nd time this year already so have not logged in for a bit.
I have to get better so I can work!
Anyway regarding the above post; that is terrible and makes me just want to stay single forever.
What is going on?
I hope things are nice and calm for you and everyone else here.
I have not heard from emtouba, hopefully all is well with her as well.
I watched a few youtube videos today.
It’s amazing how everyday there are more you-tubers providing new info to help us.
Thank goodness.
Hugs
SITC
Hi Strong,
Sorry to hear your not feeling well. I pray you feel better and regain your strength. I am doing okay. I have been doing the YouTube videos as well. AsscDirect has some new ones. Looking for validation from the narc and stop having sex with them. He’s always right on its amazing. I really enjoyed the one stop looking for validation from them. He’s always spot on and the way he explains the personality help with cognitive dissonance. Well get well, I am no contact again. I read an article here about gray rock or stone. Very informative about get rid of them. I know he was preparing for the discard because I was on to him but he was still holding on hoping to cause damage. So , I used all the mean things he said about me to help him out. I told him I was tainted, negative, stubborn, and that he was a loving caring generous person that deserve so much better not someone like me that would pull him down. So far, so good. Until next time 😉
Still waiting to get my lifeback,
Thank you for the well wishes on my recovery.
Today is actually the first day in going on 3 weeks that I have some energy back.
I did complete some shopping today and cooked some healthy food but then had to go sit down and rest.
I am working this weekend and hope I don’t have another setback but I have to go to work.
I have been resting, sleeping and just taking it easy.
It started with the flu and just progressed into an energy zapping illness as my immune system was not functioning correctly due to all the stress over the last 6-9 months.
We lost my daughters father, my ex husband(not the spath) in 2015 after a long battle with the C monster and simultaneously dealing with the spath and his antics leading to the court hearing, RO etc, etc.
I am taking care of myself now.
I have to.
I never realized how much energy I was putting into all the craziness until it was put to an abrupt stop, by me once and for all.
In essence the point of my post is please, please take care of you.
It was very scary being sick like that, I have never been so sick for so long in my life.
I felt I would never recover.
Now that I am gaining my strength back I am even more determined to stay away from these ass clowns forever.
I hope and pray that you and everyone else here is staying strong and healthy.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
I have not. It sounds like you are making progress! That is good! You or anyone who is possibly interested in learning something new to take your mind off this can reach me at audi4982@yahoo.com. I will connect you with the right people. This is Christian Based & a great way to start the New Year with a clean slate! Moving forward & not looking back! 🙂
Hello all,
I wanted to spread the word here regarding YouTube videos that have been so helpful to me along with the wonderful people here at Lovefraud that have been so incredibly supportive.
I feel the combination of Lovefraud and certain YouTube videos especially Assc Direct have saved my life by maintaining no contact for over 8 months!
Here is a link to his latest video, I hope you all find it as helpful as I.
https://youtu.be/JYiouf-n-Rw
SITC
Thanks strong,
Glad to hear you are feeling much better. These strains of flu or colds seem to get worse each year. My mom takes vitamin c and garlic pills daily and she works in the County Hospital and credits them for building up her immune system. Stress will break down your ability to fight off and recover from a simple cold. Stay well. I am doing okay, one day at a time. Found some interesting information on the Jezebel Spirit. I have to share in several post as it is long. But right on.
stillwaiting,
Wow!
Thanks for the info.
Very, very interesting.
Where did you find this?
Thanks for the vitC/garlic combo will defiantly try it!
I was craving yellow peppers and found a hugh pack in the slightly bruised section for 1.00..found out they are loaded with vit C, roasted some today!
SITC
He has really great videos. And will contact you to provide additional information. I learned something interesting from him. He told me a person can develop some of the narc characteristics after and during the abuse.
Jezebel
Jezebel is a spirit, but it finds access through uncrucified flesh.  Although the Jezebel spirit is described in the Bible as being a woman, it does not actually have a gender. There is no doubt that it functions just as proficiently through men.
1. Refuses to admit guilt or wrong
A Jezebel spirit is never wrong, unless it is a temporary admittance of guilt to gain “favor” with someone. To accept responsibility would violate the core of insecurity and pride from which it operates. When a Jezebel apologizes it is never in true repentance or acknowledgment of wrongdoing but rather “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt.”
2. Takes credit for everything
While a strong trait of Jezebel is to never take responsibility for his wrong actions or behavior, he also is quick to take credit for benefits for which he contributed no effort.
3. Uses people to accomplish its agenda
The Jezebel spirit lets others do its dirty work. The Jezebel gets another person’s emotions stirred up, then lets that person go into a rage. The Jezebel sits back looking innocent, saying “Who me? What did I do?” This behavior makes it difficult for even the most ardent truth seekers to pin one down. The Jezebel spirit is clever in its agenda.
4. Withholds information
This is a form of control. A Jezebel wields power over you by knowing something you don’t know in a situation. In the eyes of a Jezebel, having information you don’t have is a powerful weapon of control.
5. Talks in confusion
It is impossible to converse with a Jezebel in logic. One pastor wrote a six-page letter to his elders about a situation in the church. The context was so vague that no one was without confusion. This is a way to maintain control and domination. When confronting a Jezebel, the subject may be changed five times in one minute. Confusion keeps them “undiscovered” and unexposed.
6. Volunteers for anything
A Jezebel volunteers in order to establish control. He seemingly has endless (nervous) energy and eagerly looks for opportunities to be in charge of projects. Although he will work hard, his motive is never pure, and eventually his secret agenda cannot be hidden.
7. Lies
A Jezebel lies convincingly. No one can lie better than he can. He can turn on the charm and make you believe blue is red. He always fools those whom he’s just met while those who have been victimized by his tactics stand by helplessly. The fact that Jezebel can look you in the eye and lie just shows how strong and adamant this rebellious and recalcitrant spirit is.
8. Ignores people
A classic ploy of a controller is to ignore you when you disagree with him. This tactic is frequently used by leaders when someone doesn’t agree with their plans, and they isolate the person by ignoring him. Some in these situations have been ignored for months, just because they chose not to be a puppet and say to every idea or whim. This puts the person out of the leader’s grace and forces him to either “come around” to the leader’s way of thinking or be indefinitely ignored. One is not free to disagree with a controller.
9. Never gives credit or shows gratitude
A Jezebel will rarely acknowledge another person’s actions, not even for something that turned out to greatly benefit the Jezebel. He just cannot bring himself to say thank you or to acknowledge that someone else did something right. There are those who have gone out of their way to bless a Jezebel by being the catalyst of sending him on a trip or giving a gift. Yet never will there be a thank you. This again puts the controller in a position of power.
10. Criticizes everyone
This is a characteristic of a controller. He has to be the one who looks good, so he will quickly sharply criticize anyone who makes a suggestion or plan. Even though he likes the plan, he can only criticize it because the idea did not originate from him. Criticizing others elevates the controller in his own mind.
11. Oneupmanship
A person with a Jezebel spirit will always upstage another person. He feels threatened by anyone who dares to steal the limelight or anyone who is a threat to his power and control. If you are with such a person and tell of your accomplishment or victory, you can be assured he will quickly tell of something he has accomplished.
12. Sequesters information
A Jezebel loves to be in control of information. If there is ever a situation where information is important, he will push to be the “first” to know it. He seems to know everything about everyone. Where he gets all his information is beyond comprehension, but he can dictate to you data and details about people’s lives and actions in mass quantities.
13. Uses information
A Jezebel uses information as a leverage for power and then shares tidbits with you, often things told him in confidence. This gives him a sense of power, even to the point of trying to impress people by “knowing things” that others do not.
14. Talks incessantly
Many people talk habitually, but a Jezebel uses talking as a form of control. In a typical conversation, he does all the talking, whether it is about sports, the weather or the Kingdom of God. Because of this form of control, he is unable to receive input from anyone in his life. All conversation with him is one-sided. You are doing the listening.
15. Spiritualizes everything
When a controller is confronted, he commonly spiritualizes the situation, explaining it off on God. This prevents him from owning up to responsibility required of him. The implication is always, “You’ve got a problem; I don’t.”
16. Is insubordinate
A Jezebel never takes the side of the employer or a person in authority, unless it is a temporary action to make himself look good. He often will take credit for someone else’s idea. His main desire is for power and control. There is no conscience when an opportunity for recognition presents itself.
17. Is pushy and domineering
A person with a Jezebel spirit pressures you to do things, seemingly ripping from you your right to choose or make a decision for yourself. He makes others feel as though they don’t have enough sense to think for themselves.
18. Is clairvoyant
Many who operate with a spirit of control also have a clairvoyant spirit. A Jezebel has supernatural help in knowning and sensing information. If he uses this against you, he may say “I can’t tell you how I know this. I just know it.” This is not the Holy Spirit, but the help of a clairvoyant or familiar spirit. Clairvoyance may be defined as the power to perceive things that are out of the range of human senses.
19. Uses the element of surprise
A Jezebel’s main thrust is to be in control, and a large part of control is catching you off guard. Therefore, the element of surprise works well when he shows up a day early for a meeting, etc.
20. Sows seeds of discord
A Jezebel will continually belittle another person in the most subtle way. The strategy is to “gain” control by minimizing the value of another person. It is common for him to tell half-truths to implicate another person in your eyes. By sowing these seeds, he hopes to eventually reap a harvest of destruction, improving his position of power.
21. Commands attention
A Jezebel likes to be the center of attention and doesn’t like to see others recognized and lauded. When someone else is recognized, he will quickly undermine the person’s accomplishments verbally.
22. Is vengeful
Since a Jezebel is never wrong, if you contradict or confront one, get ready to become his worst enemy. As long as you are in agreement with him, all is fine. But if you confront or challenge him, then look out. You are the target of his fiercest venom. A Jezebel will stop at nothing to destroy your reputation.
23. Attempts to make you look like you’re the Jezebel
A Jezebel spirit is difficult to pin down. If the person is near to being confronted, he or she will skillfully twist the entire situation, trying to make the innocent person look like the one who is attempting to control. As always, the Jezebel will do anything to look like the one who is right.
24. Insinuates disapproval
A Jezebel will often imply disapproval to those under his or her control. The controlled person feels no freedom to express an opinion, for fear of disapproval. This often manifests in a marriage or in a working environment.
25. Knows it all
A Jezebel is usually blatant regarding his knowledge of everything. Quick to express his opinion in any area, he leaves little room for anyone to point out the other side of an issue. He has made idols of his opinions.
26. Is ambitious
The Jezebel has strong desire, but all for self. “I want what I want when I want it,” describes his worship of self-will. A Jezebel leader will never use the words, “We have a vision,” but rather, “My vision is thus and so.”
27. Gift giving
Gift giving is a form of manipulation a Jezebel uses that always makes you feel obligated to him. It also compromises the victim in speaking direct and confrontive truth. Naturally, not everyone who gives gifts is guilty of control, but gift giving is a tactic used by those who have a need to control.
28. Is independent
No one has input in a Jezebel’s life. He fraternizes with no one unless it is to get you to “cooperate” with his agenda.
29. Is religious
A Jezebel dwells in the local church but doesn’t like authority unless he is in the position of authority.
30. Hides
We all want to believe that the person with a Jezebel spirit is delivered. The person may seem “normal” for a period, exhibiting none of the classic traits. Then suddenly without warning a situation will arise, once again with the spirit taking control and wreaking havoc over lives.
Hopefully, true repentance will come. Only then will the person be delivered.
Strong,
I don’t know if you remember that when I called the DV Hotline the
counselor mentioned it. I look it up but today I found more in depth information.
stillwaiting,
YES! I do, you said that you got a really great counselor on the line!
Awesome that you got such great info-
Thank you for sharing!
SITC
Yes, she was awesome and she kept saying I am not suppose to talk to you about this. But,she said I know it will help. The term Jezebel is from the Bible and most narc and spath have the same traits. Watched his new video great, the fun house. Wow, in the end I cried.
Today I vow to:
Live in the here and now.
Accept the fact nothing was real regarding the spath and it’s over
Not to look up, search or think about any clues about what is going on with the spath
Not be a victim
Accept that this is where I am right now mentally and physically and be alright with that
XOXO
Stronginthecity
Yes, great affirmation. Sitc what is your affirmation for today?
Amen Strong!
Sounds like a plan!
Remembertoforget,
Many thanks.
We are in this together and getting stronger every day.
Self care, however you define this for yourself is critical for our recovery.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Today I vow to divert attention and energy to my self care.
Today I vow to embrace my independence .
Today I vow to live in the here and now .
Stronginthecity
Hi SITC,
Great vows! I come to this site to gain strength from everyone’s posts and to reinforce that I’m not alone. Your vows hit home with me and I’ll be tagging them for my own daily inspiration. I need to think about ME and my family, which is a struggle when you’re being mind-manipulated. BUT on the positive side, I know I’m stronger than I was yesterday, and for me, that’s a win!
Diane111,
Thank you for the post regarding the vows.
I am so happy to hear you find them helpful.
I am still on the one day at a time plan and find that setting small daily goals is helping me stay on track and focused.
I have come to understand that diverting the energy I was spending on trying to figure things out with the why and how the spath operates back on taking care of myself is a step in the right direction.
Since I am still struggling setting long term goals and plans, daily vows are all I can do right now.
Even if I do not accomplish all I plan to do on a daily basis it’s ok and I do not beat myself up over it.
Being ok with the here and now is alright with me!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Hi
I still come to this site even after 3 years of no contact, After an ugly divorce from my ex . After 20 years with this lying cheater I finally have my life back, my peace and most importantly my sanity. My ex tried to and accomplished to take all my self worth and self esteem away while he was engaged in an affair with a co worker and probably many more affairs. After being gaslights and declared “mentally ill” I finally escaped when I was discarded. Little did I know back then that the discard was the best present he ever made me. I am healed now. I recovered and life is wonderful again. In the end God fought my enemies and have me the victory. I am free and my ex is still the same evil being as he was on the day I met him.
this site has helped me so much to stay strong in the no contact to give me the clarity and strength to be a gladiator.
kaya48,
Congrats on 3 years of no contact!!!!!
Yes, you do have YOUR life back.
The life without the monster.
Hugs and cheers to you.
I hope to soon be healed too.
Not quite there yet but I getting better everyday since I established no contact with the help of a restraining order on the monster.
Don’t regret that for a minute.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Today I vow to:
Practice self love!
SITC