Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Kittylover,
Ok, disregard my comment about your friend in Chicago, I saw in another thread she is not understanding.
Thats ok, most people are not that’s why WE are here because WE have been through it.
We are here for you and you WILL get through this one day at a time.
After Monday you can begin to heal.
Please dont be so hard on yourself.
You did nothing wrong.
In time, this will be a part of your life thats in the past.
You will grow and move on.
It takes time.You know the truth and you recognize it.
Is it hard. HELL YEAH.
You will get through it and he will be a distant memory that pops in your head and then you will just not care anymore.
It sounds like his mom can be supportive and she reached out to you so thats great.
Strong
Kittylover,
Heres some reading to keep you busy until Monday.
http://www.facebook.com/MyEmotionalVampire
Stronginthecity
I soooo appreciate you all being there for me right now.
I have done something soooo stupid.. no… I have not broken No Contact and never ever will.
Number one… started my day out right… talked with friends.. made plans for this eve and even even went to a Pilates class….
and then…
number one I went into facebook to message a girlfriend of mine who sees I am in pain on fb… and wants to talk to me. I have posted things about narcissists, sociopaths, etc. b/c I am in so much pain and I have this need to… and I know this is not a rational thought and I am have always been a rather rational person….
I keep thinking… that I can save his next victim… he future targets…. the ex’s he calls to see where they are in their lives and relationships and to feel them out to see if can use them….. esp girls he has hurt… many of them go back to “poor Jerry” when he lies and tells them sob stories…. take him in.. blah, blah, blah.
I know where he hangs out. I know some of the women he has loved and left and then calls whenever he feared my ending it with him..
I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO SAVE PEOPLE… EXPOSE THIS GUY…
Have some girl from the town where he preys upon every chic that enters whatever bar he is in…
I feel if one of them sees my facebook… sees all the photos of he and I from this past year.. and the car I got him… and is loving posts… and letters.. and kissing me and make me dinner just ten days ago????
I feel some poor woman… will see it…. get suspicious and dig deeper into the guy…. find out what he is about an run.
So what did my crazy brain do… I AM SOOOO EMBARRASSED … CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN why I did such a stupid stupid thing….
I am an intelligent, poised woman.
He is blocked from my fb as is anyone really close to him.. but then again.. he is not really close to anyone.
I went into other facebook friends’ “friends” section and sent friend request to total strangers. Just thinking that maybe someone will recognize him/me…. b/c this is a small area.
so I friend request complete strangers. My brain was so messed up….
and an acquaintance of mine… a new one… who is a very nice and balanced individual (And now he thinks I am a nut b/c I am acting nuts and I have never ever felt or acted this way in my life.)…. he called me … b/c some of his friends contacted him and asked who was this woman that knew him… friend requesting them?
He talked with me…. he was nice about it, but understandably angry. I canceled all requests… and unfriended everyone….
but I have been crying for hours.. and NO ONE UNDERSTANDS (WEll you people do…)…. why I am sad.
My cousin just texted me… “I cant believe you have let such a low life loser bring you down like this. Be happy. move on!”
I am moving on.
but I am also GRIEVING b/c this sweet, attentive, partner who lived with me with a broken leg for 8 months…..
is gone.
yes… we are all glad I kicked him out b/c he is a sociopath/narcissit.
But….. what friends and this new acquaintance and my best friend and cousin do not understand… is that I feel really weird and sick right now.
Like I have been hit by a truck.
It is worse than having your boyfriend disappear b/c he was in a car accident…..
HE IS GONE AS IS HER WERE IN A CAR ACCIDENT.
No longer holding me all night. No longer bringing me lunch to work… and messenging me all day long about how much he loves and misses me.
the man whose children I embraced and sang Disney Princess songs with at my keyboard.
The man who witnessed me singing to hospice patients with as they passed away.
My partner. My best friend. The man that recently told my aging and ill parents… with his arm around me,’You never have to worry about your daughter again!””
HE IS GONE. POOF.
Yes everyone… the Scooby doo mask came off and we are all glad he is gone forever.. and will not even have the option to communicate and manipulate me… as he does with al his ex’s, his mother, his exwife….
yay! The criminal is out of my home….
But no one understands that I am grieving as deeply as if my fiancé had been hit by a car.
the person her pretended to be… by cheerleader… best friend.. lover.. admirer…. man I took car of this a broken leg… surgeries…
I AM GRIEVING HIM.
no one gets it.
He mirrored me. He saw what I would like in a man and faked it.
can someone explain what happened to me today? How do I apologize enough to this person… I am not a nut job… I am reacting to something so mindblowing… so evil… that I cant wrap my mind or heart and sanity around it…. so I freak out and allow my pain to be channeled in the wrong way. should have been ranting with you guys. Not on fb. Not trying to save the next girl bc she has no idea what is going to happen to her and what lies she is being told and how much he will rob and hurt her.
someone explain please…
b/c this new friend called me back.. I am more calm. he was brutally honest. That I look like a nut case. to stop posting stuff on “Surviving A Narcisist” or info on Sociopaths….
words of wisdom please…….
What happened to me? Have I lost my mind?
I feel really sick physically also.
I don’t think you’ve lost your mind. I honestly think you’re still in love with him. Or rather the person he pretended to be.
I think this because I’m going through my own way of what you described. Not exactly the same but simillar. I’m hoping this is part of the “detoxing” process.
I’ll let you know about my day. I know today I appreciated everything my friends did. Since I’m still wobbly and still healing the idea of cooking and baking for guests is basically out of the question. I took everyone’s advice and try to bring some “happiness” into my life by finally celebrating the holidays. Better late then never. Some friends came brought food. Very potluck type themed. It was very nice to see them but all day and evening I just kept on missing him. Thinking whatever joke this person said, to remember so you can tell him, or I really miss him right now. Or seeing couples and thinking he used to do that to me when I was sad. To he should be here laughing and helping me get out of the chair or what not. Twice I had to go to the rest area because I had to control tears from coming out.
Some say they understand. Others are in raged of how I have been treated while in the hospital. I mean you exchange bodily fluids with these people. You love them, and you give them your heart. The least they can do is respect you. Or it. But here we are.
I feel sad. Just like you do. Like he died. No goodbye. Like he left me here to die. Pretending to be my significant other to live here while I was in the hospital, and no word nothing. A part of me hoped it was just another silent treatment ( his patterns) but my soul and heart aches much much deeper this time.
I’m not in full health and it’ll take me some time to get there and hopefully this next round of radiation kills whatever is trying to kill me but at the same time I miss him. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should forget him and I know. I’ve read here my friends don’t really want me talking about him because they just think he’s a monster ( any person is who will cheat lie and do it over and over again without stopping or feeling for the person they are doing it too). I hear you. I read your post after everyone left because I was feeling very down.
I get it.
I too would want to warn the girls if I had a way to contact them. But I don’t.
I think you were and are in hysterics. You’re dealing with a lot of stress and you have been not only violated and taken advantage of but betrayed. We all have. On a very deep to your core level. Honestly who cares what this acquaintance thinks of you.
I think it’s time you take care of yourself before worrying about the other women. I think right now you were so busy taking care of him. You need to take care of you. It’s a lot harder than it sounds. I’ve been trying to do that for myself this week ( not really successful with crying myself to sleep every night and waking up 5-9 times in panic from nightmares or dreaming of watching him cheat in front of me and when he would come back and say what he would say and then I would feel ok again).
I read here people have suggested to walk away from social sites. I say take a week off of them. Have a bubble bath instead.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve been through the wringer. It’s ok to miss them. I myself am having trouble of how to accept the other parts of what mine showed so that’s all I got for advice.
Just know it’s ok. God I wish we had a fast fwd button for all of us.
Sending you hugs from another continent.
Kittylover,
Good morning,
Its a new day. I feel so guilty for sending you that FB link, I thought you would look at it and get sick of it like I did. I am so sorry if I contributed but I know how you are feeling and that dark place sucks.
First off, you are nor a nut job. You are a hurt and betrayed sensitive woman who was taken advantage of by a disordered person. Jerry sucks. He is a bad man. He is the boogie man.
The reason I did not reply to your post last night was because after posting on here in the morning, in my robe I proceeded to lie around the house. I was in bed then moved to the couch. I never showered or did any chores other than feeding my kitties and cleaning up the litter box. I did also brush my kitties but that is it.
Why? Because I feel just like you. Like I was hit by a truck. My tummy is all messed up and I am tearful.
All of this has taken a toll on our precious bodies and minds.
I almost hope that I do get fired tomorrow so that I don’t have to go to work, but since I have a mortgage to pay that’s stupid thinking.
Anyway Megan, don’t feel bad about the FB thing. I know that sometimes it feels like we are possessed or something and just have to do something.
I am going to share what I did…back in 2006 when the spath up and disappeared…without a word. Talk about poof, he just left town. He didn’t even bother taking all of the things he had left at my house..
Remember when I posted a while back how the spath just loved to have me take naked pics of him??
Well I was so beside myself, like you are feeling now I decided to print them and send them in the form of a letter and send them to his wife, with a little note saying something like here is what your husband has been doing while he was here in my city..
I did that. It was crazy because I sent them to her home in Florida and her mothers house here in my city, just to make sure she got them.
She got them all right. Guess what? During the time that he was seeing me, back in 2006. Telling me that he was getting a divorce and loved me, I was the only woman for him he wanted to be together…he was on the phone with her, crying that he wanted to come back to Florida and be a family. He wanted to be with his kids…
This was round one many years ago. He left me then because while I did not know he was a spath, I knew SOMETHING was wrong. I always caught him lying and being shady and was constantly calling him on it. He did not like that.I didn’t do that when I first started seeing him because he had that mask on TIGHT girl.
Once it started slipping he started contacting the wife who I suppose put up with the nonsense and moved back there.
There’s one more thing to add that I feel is important here.
Back then, back in 2006 when I first met him and fell in love at first sight, a whirlwind romance and a pretend chance meeting at a mutual friends party(which was planned by him after our mutual friend saw my beautiful home and the new BMW I had just purchased) told him wow, that girl, me is doing great. You should see her house and nice BMW that she bought herself. My friend told him this so he knew I would be at that party. I was actually on a date with someone else that night when he slithered up to the bar and started his work on me. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing and I fell for it hook line and sinker.
So you see, he was doing what they do.
They never change. Jerry is the same man that we all talk about, just in another body.
When my spath realized I was not going to put up with his nonsense he ran away.
I had asked him only one thing when we were seeing each other in 2006, I told hi that if he decided to go back To his wife and work things out I would understand because he had 2 small boys at home and I am all for families staying together if possible.
I told him back in 2006 that even though I was desperately in love with him that I would be devastated if he just left without talking to me. I told him of my abandonment issues and how hurtful it would be if he did not tell me. I would understand, I really would.
We guess what..he did just that.
He just left.No goodbye. He left most of his stuff at my house, even though he was mot living with me.
He did not pick up his phone and his friends would tell me nothing.
After his wife received the pictures I sent he called me and told me that he met a much younger woman(we are the same age) and that she was going to take care of him. He was very mean and nasty.
So you see…you are not crazy, the situation is crazy making.
Please take some advice from us.
We know. We have all been there.
Rest today. Please stay off FB and don’t talk to the people who don’t understand or support you just for today.
Remember what I said, EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY??
He will. Karma will step in just stand back and watch.
Your friend,
Stronginthecity
Strong… I am just seeing this now for some reason. Thank you so very very much.
think of me tomorrow please.
hearing is 10 am… florida time.
Im gonna get there about 8:30 b/c I am new here. If you are late by one minute.. they dismiss you.
Please pray for me.
Strong,
Thanks for sharing these details. So many elements are the same as my psychopath experience – the first ‘chance’ meeting, him being after my home, etc. I once told him the worst things he could do to me was leave (we were ‘married’), and after that he left about once a week for a couple of years. It seems ridiculous at the time, but he had me trapped, due to circumstances, so he could engage in his torture sports.
Kitty,
I remember feeling and thinking like you’re describing your feelings. I felt like I had lost my mind. Being betrayed and abused by a spath does damage our minds. You are probably experiencing PTSD. It is a real injury, real trauma; and it takes time and the right treatment to heal.
I think betrayal, abuse and rape are more to grieve than losing someone to death. It’s different. My first kind and good husband passed away somewhat unexpectedly and I experience some PTSD that resolved in a few months. Ten years later I was betrayed, abused and raped by a psychopath, and the PTSD and mental trauma that I am still recovering from was
Most people do not understand. I would not have understood before I had my ex psychopath experience.
Consider staying off all social media and limiting your interactions to a superficial level with people who don’t understand what you’re going through. It helped me to slow things down in my life and focus on resting and healing. If you break your leg you stay off it and rest until it heals. Emotional and psychological trauma is the same.
Consider being gentle to your heart and mind while you’re recovering.
I doubt you’ve lost your mind, but being abused by a spath is very damaging to the mind.
Keep on taking good care of yourself. You will feel better; you will recover.
Kitty,
When you breakup with someone it is normal for the body to release high levels of cortisol & other hormones. This is why breakups are physically hard on our body & mind. With a breakup with a sociopath the stress is much greater & so is the release of cortisol/adrenaline and other hormones.
This is why I recommended you go to the doctors a while ago to get tested for cortisol levels, hormonal imbalance & vitamin.mineral deficiency all issues with a break up & with PTSD.
Look at Mialundin.com site she talks about hormonal imbalance and her book too. See her you tube videos on how it effects your sleep (or really lack of sleep).
There is a reason physically why you feel sick & there is a reason why you feel like your loosing your “mind” it’s both physical and that you are coming out of his brain washing & mind control. It’s very over whelming these emotions and physically body issues.
Kitty, This article from the net about high levels of cortisol after a breakup:
Dumped? How to heal the health effects of a broken heart
When 23-year old Emmie Scott, a direct marketer in Richmond, Va., and her boyfriend/co-worker broke up and still had to endure seeing each other daily, Scott suffered a broken heart—literally. “The most uncomfortable symptom I experienced is the sensation that someone was sitting on my chest—a combination of both pain and pressure that’s left more than one of my friends commenting that my heart must actually be broken.”
Researchers now understand that romantic rejection triggers changes in our brains that affect our health. Edward Smith, a Columbia University psychologist, and a team of colleagues, found that intense emotional pain can activate the same neural pathways as physical pain. Seems being jilted can hurt in a primitive physical way as if you’ve been sucker-punched by a welterweight.
What’s more, that physical pain can manifest in surprising ways. Aside from chest pain, you may get hit with a kick-butt cold or flu, develop insomnia, or a range of gastro symptoms from loss of appetite to diarrhea. The precise health wallop you suffer may have to do with how your body manifests stress. Asthmatic? You could have an asthma attack. Suffer from a skin condition like eczema or psoriasis? Your skin will likely flare up. Have irritable bowel syndrome? Prepare to hit the restroom.
“While in college I found out my boyfriend (and high school sweetheart) was cheating on me. Although only 110 pounds, I dropped almost 15 and broke out with a case of shingles, which required a week of prednisone to calm,” says Christina Stoever Young, 40, producer of a historic haunted walking tour in Truckee, Calif.
Here, the top health complaints stemming from heartache:
Complaint: Heart pressure or pain, palpitations, abnormal heart rhythms
Why: When the stress response is triggered by a break up or divorce, the body sends out a massive flooding of the hormones cortisol and adrenaline. “Any time your adrenaline levels are higher, you’re more vulnerable to faster heart rate, palpitations and certain arrithymias, or abnormal heart rhythms, as well as skipped beats, light headedness, feeling your chest pounding, and a fluttering feeling in your neck,” says Dr. John M. Kennedy, a Marina Del Ray cardiologist and co-author of “The 15 Minute Heart Cure: The Natural Way to Release Stress and Heal Your Heart in Just Minutes a Day.”
Women heart patients facing severe stress from marriage difficulties were found to have three times the risk of heart attack as women without such stress. Worse, there’s a syndrome that mimics heart attack called Takotsuba syndrome, or broken heart syndrome, in which an EKG, chest X-ray and blood work all indicate heart attack. But when a cardiologist goes inside the heart searching for the culprit blocked artery, the arteries are wide open. The stress response simulates heart attack symptoms. “Broken heart syndrome is an extreme form of what heartache can do to our bodies,” says Kennedy. While it can be lethal, the heart muscle usually recovers within six months.
What helps: Anything that relieves stress helps prevent these heart problems during relationship troubles: exercise, yoga, tai chi, meditation, relaxing through breathing or visualization, even short term anti-anxiety medication.
Complaint: Cold or flu
Why: These same stress hormones torch your immune system leaving you vulnerable to rogue bacteria and viruses. “Normally when you’re confronted with bacteria or virus, your body will mount a defense,” says Dr. Valerie Scott, a board certified family doctor in Mt. Pleasant, S.C. Post break up, however, your immune system is weakened and those defenses aren’t unable to ward off illness.
What helps: Managing your stress improves your immune system. Exercise, eat well, take a multi-vitamin, especially the B complex vitamins, which boost immunity, rest enough and decompress with music, comedy or friends to counteract the flood of stress hormones.
Complaint: Gastro upset (stomach pain, loss of appetite, diarrhea,)
Why: The excess cortisol shooting into your system during your break up diverts blood away from your digestive track, leaving you with GI unpleasantness–that ’can’t eat for weeks, sour stomach, run to the bathroom feeling’ you get when your relationship tanks.
What helps: Try over-the-counter meds for your queasy stomach. In one study researchers simulated rejection in the lab and found that aspirin alleviates the painful feelings triggered by being rebuffed. While it seems skeptical, it’s worth a try, as is curbing your desire to veg on the couch. Exercise prompts your brain to release uplifting endorphins that will settle your stomach. What’s more, misery loves company. “You want to surround yourself with family and friends and supportive people because it’s easy to get depressed,” says Kennedy, which may worsen symptoms. Camaraderie can stimulate a much-needed dose of missing oxytocin, a feel-contented hormone.
Complaint: Insomnia
Why: Sleeping patterns, not unlike eating patterns, become skewed during relationship demise. Some people want to stay in bed all day while others can’t seem to sleep at all. Science really doesn’t understand why it happens, but it’s likely due to racing thoughts, the ’he-said, she-said’ reenactment of the break up plays out mentally while at rest. Plus, stress hormones, still at their peak, may wreck your circadian rhythms and internal clock.
What helps: Stay active enough so your body will reach the reparative deep levels of sleep it needs, but don’t push yourself to exhaustion, which backfires. Exercise, but avoid it after 9 pm, since it could cause insomnia. Skip caffeine after 3 in the afternoon for the same reason. Turn off TV, computer and cell phone at least an hour before bed and embrace a relaxing sleep routine: low lighting, candles, and a warm bath. “Once you calm that stress response, all of these medical things resolve and get better,” says Scott.
In the short term and if it doesn’t become chronic, the body’s response to stress and grief is right and natural. When I didn’t feel like eating, I didn’t eat. When I couldn’t sleep, I tossed and turned and thought and grieved. Not fighting the body’s and mind’s natural response to grief lets nature take its course. It’s ok to be upset and depressed for self limiting periods when life is upsetting and depressing.
I totally understand what you’re going through because I did something similar. My socio and I were still talking a few days ago and now it’s over, but when we were talking I was very suspicious at the end and started acting crazy. One day she didn’t talk to me until the late afternoon when she said she would have an alarm set to wake her up earlier or that if I called her she would hear it and wake up, but I called and it went to straight voicemail so somehow I thought she would never talk to me again and that made me act like a crazy person. I called her dad b/c she gave me the number in case of emergencies and when I called him he acted like he didn’t know her (she told me he called and texted her like crazy afterward to make sure she was okay), I sent a facebook message to one of her exs looking for answers and she promptly blocked me, I sent a facebook message to her roommate who may or may not actually be her girlfriend- didn’t get a reply, I texted someone she knows- didnt reply, I called another one of her friends who didnt answer, I even went as far as to send a facebook message to her boss! I did that because this girl had told me she talked to her boss about me and could possibly get me a really good job with them- before all this the boss had emailed me about the job but in the back of my mind I thought it didn’t seem official, but possibly a fake email the girl made up pretending to be her boss SO I thought if I sent her a facebook message she would reveal whether or not she knew what I was talking about, but she didn’t reply. It just seems like she doesn’t have any people who are close to her and who were willing to talk. Then after allllll of this the girl had texted me apologizing that she over slept. I felt guilty that I did all of that because I still hoped that she was the real deal and not lying about her feelings for me.
So what I’m trying to say is you aren’t alone in wanting to know the truth and wanting other people to know what happened! I feel like it is a normal part of the healing process, but we probably aren’t going to get anymore closure by doing things like that because by doing that we’re still focusing on what happened to us.
She set you up knowing that you would worry if she was ok and probably contact people looking for her. Spaths play with people like puppets, they take advantage of their victims normal responses and reactions to abuse them and make them look crazy. It’s all a set up.
AnnettePK and Jan7,
Excellent advice to kittylover.
I will use it myself as I am feeling pretty bad this weekend after my meltdown at work last week.
I am proud of one thing though, I don’t feel the need to contact him at all.
I am going to see my daughter today for mothers day and focus on her and me.
Happy mothers day to all!
Stronginthecity
PS Joel Osteen is preaching this morning about guilt and shame, how fitting.
Stronginthecity, I am sorry that you had a bad last week…those are tough.
YOU should be so proud of yourself for following the no contact rule!! BRAVO to YOU!!! You get it, you get that if you contact him you will get sucked back in….you get that you would rather have peace & calmness…huge huge step in the healing process!!!
google “Ted.com Brene Brown” she has two talks on Ted (It’s the University of Texas or Texas University site something like that) one on Vulnerbility and the other on Shame. She is a PHD professor she has a series on the OWN network google “Oprah Brene Brown you tube” to watch those shows. Remember feeling guilt and shame is a good thing as the sociopath does not feel these things or other feelings. You have feelings = you are alive = you have a healthy working brain!!
Ps Joyce Myers is another good preacher on tv…her site has all her past lectures they are really good…When I first left my ex h I would watch her shows to remind me about the good/evil in this world….Osteen is good as well. 🙂 🙂 🙂
Thank you Jan7,
Your posts are amazing and always so helpful.
The no contact has been so easy.
He is a scumbag and I deserve so much better.
I have installed cameras throughout my home that I can watch while I am at work.Thank you to my daughter who is so wise beyond her years and on mommas side.
I don’t know how he has been been getting in but I am NOT crazy and am going to catch his ass.
Last week when he tried to look through my bedroom window has put me in I’m going to catch your ass mode.
How date he invade my space and stalk me.
I am done with all of this.
I am going to file a no contact order and catch him in my house and send his narky ass back to prison where he belongs.
No more of this bullshit.
I am a woman on a mission.
I have been getting calls and messages from people who I have not talked to in awhile and an on guard.
I am also applying for a FOID card so that I can have a legal firearm in my home.
Go ahead, make my day asshole.
StronginthecityX2!!!
Stronginthecity, please rethink the gun…the reason why is you are emotional right now in your life and if he shows up you could end up using the gun and regretting it for the rest of your life. Let the police deal with him that is best until you are through all the emotional healing. The restraining order is a great idea & if he shows up call the police and get him arrested for not only breaking the restraining order but breaking & entry too.
There are many stories that a victim of abuse gets a gun then uses it to protect themselves but end up in jail. There is a recent case in florida where a women shot a “warning” shot to warn off her abusive husband & she ended up getting a jail sentence of 20 years…it took a long fight with a lot of supporters to get her a new trial and then she was recently re sentenced to home arrest for a few years all for firing a warning shot to get her abuser away from her.
I LOVE that you have found your gumption!! This is power…you see who he is and you are done with his abuse, his lying & manipulative words = so cool = so powerful!!!
Jan7,
I am working with the police department and am taking classes at the shooting range.
It is perfectly legal in my state to defend myself in my home with a legal firearm.
I know it sounds drastic but that’s what I need to do.
I feel confident working with the professionals and have even submitted my fingerprints.
I am done feeling scared in my home and am not afraid of him anymore.
I hope it does not come to a shootout as the security cameras and RO will more than likely put him behind bars.
I just need proof that he is in my home + RO and he is locked up.
The gun is a security measure that I have to have .
I will learn how to shoot and if he is in my home, let the cards fall where they may.
I am no longer going to to be a victim as I have done in the past.
SITC
I have read too many stories about women being murdered by ex boyfriends and ex husbands.
There are so many that the journalists can’t keep up with it.
Check out Bonniesblogofcrime.
Horrifying.
I will not end up in a blue barrel or chopped in pieces because I chose to dump a sociopath and find a normal BF.
It happens everyday ladies..I’m sorry for the in your face stuff but I have had enough and refuse to let him terrorize me one more more minute.
I have to do what I have to do and will not back down.
I promise that the firearm will be legal and used appropriately.
SITC
Strong,
Your ex getting in and people contacting you out of the blue hits home for me. My spath #1 is a stalker and after putting pieces together with my counselor it looks like he most likely stalked me for almost 20 years before I dated him. During those years I had an unknown stalker/intruder who at first tried to break in my home while I was there (the person was playing with me — so scary!) and then would enter my home several times despite minor security changes. They would move things around, unlock the windows and doors, turn on all the lights, things like that. The police came on several occasions and probably thought I was nuts but it was happening! I was not crazy. Proof of that being that after I went to work for the first time after getting a security system my alarm went off not even 10 minutes after I left. I got the call and came home to the police, no one was there. The stalking/home invasions stopped. Now I believe it was #1. Trusting my gut on this one.
I’ve been reading sporadically lately, so sorry but I don’t feel completely caught up. How do you know he’s been in your home? I’m glad you have cameras. I’ve done the same after dating #1.
As for people contacting you after a while…it sounds like you’re trusting your gut, as you should! That’s always a sign for me that things are happening or he’s amping up. I’ve blocked so many people now, even though it pains me. Being off social networking has made a huge impact on my safety! I’m assuming that after your advice to bluelight you don’t answer or respond to people contacting out of the blue?
Thistooshallpass,
That is so scary, my expath has been coming into my home when I was not home on and off for at least a year when we would get into arguments and I would try to do no contact.
Even though I told him he was not welcome in my home as we are broken up, I’m sure he made copies of my keys and even bragged about being able to break into my house.
When we would get back together, I would have the locks changed, installed those magnetic alarms on the doors and windows and he would never ask why. After he would be there for like 2 days he would say something like oh whats up with the alarms? I would tell him HELLO, someone has been coming into my house when I’m not here.
He would say nothing….I mean nothing. Not like OMG did they take anything?(no) Are you ok?? How did they get in?? Nothing. He even came into my house when I had surgery last year.
What prompted me to install the security cameras was someone at my bedroom window last week after he found out I had a new BF…I posted it here. My cats woke me up.
The police came and I have been working with them since to catch him inside my house, and have him arrested.
There are too many times that I came home from work and stuff was moved around, panties I have not seen in months just appearing…the cats fed, jewelry moved around, lights left on and his personal trademark…the toilet seat up.
UGH
SITC
Strong,
It’s good you’re working with the police on this. I do remember you saying he was lurking outside of your house and you knew it was him! There’s not much “coincidence” when these people stalk. Especially when it’s right after you mention a boyfriend! I’m sure people thought I was crazy. Who would come in to just move things around, turn on lights, etc.?? A crazy making stalker spath, that’s who! In a way it’s comforting to me to know about these men now. My home invasions were absolutely not in my head!
Of course his jackass trademark was to leave the toilet seat up! I can only imagine that was something that annoyed you when you were together! My stalker only came in for 3 months and I was terrified to leave my house before getting security. I can’t imagine a year of that! To this day I shake when I talk about it or write about it on here.
Interesting you mention your ex not questioning it at all! During my counseling, it came out that my spath never asked a single question/acted distant about my home invasion experiences when I told him early on, and this was during the love bombing stage when he asked me too many questions about my life. It stood out as strange to me and bothered me at the time. After my counselor heard about my stalking experiences over the years before we dated and his reactions to all of it, she questioned his lack of reaction. She considers it as a red flag, as do I, and as do you in your situation.
I’m so happy you’re trusting yourself, your gut and that you are taking care of yourself in these regards!!!
I did not know you were dealing with all of that Strong.
I am sorry.
Jan7,
Thanks again.
I am good.
I am going to do anything to protect myself from this self loathing nightmare of a person.
NO MORE!!!!
I am done.
Cameras installed and I did it myself. Inside and out.
He is not going to waste one more minute of my life worrying and feeling sorry for myself.
He has no idea what he is up against and I have friends in the police department in my city that are helping me.
Go ahead.. try to enter my home again. you will be sorry spath.
I have found my voice and my strength.
SITC
Stronginthecity, awesome about the cameras!!! And high five for installing them yourself..women power at the fullest lol!!!
Have you watch the movie “The Holiday” with Cameron diaz? It’s great and worth the rental…it’s about two women finding their gumption again after dating two narcissist men…it’s a great movie & will give you many laughs.
So happy you have found your ((((VOICE)))) great awakening when that happens!!! 🙂
Jan7,
I have not seen that movie but rented “The Other Woman” a few weeks ago starring Ms. Diaz, love her
I will check it out.Is it on Netflix???
Contact me if anyone needs advice on setting up the cameras.
Easy breezy!
SITC
Jan7,
Yes maam!
Its amazing.
He tried to call me twice yesterday.
Calls blocked!
Stronginthecity
Stronginthecity, I remember you telling me about that movei…need to rent it.
So empowering to install something in your home especially cameras for protection, your a cool chick 🙂 Love you taking your power back!!!
Jan7,
Rent that movie! They make light of spaths but you’ll be able to relate and laugh at the same time! 🙂
Sweet Women (and Men) of LF,
This post is directed to those of you, like Strong and Kittylover, who are in the most horrible parts of the discard and betrayal of a psychopathic breakup. It is not meant to be impersonal, but rather to give support and maybe some inspiration.
Sociopath’s are weird. They are like poop that is is gift wrapped in a million different colors. However, when you open the package they are all exactly the same. Their motives, manipulations, and patterns of harm are all the same. The details may ‘sound’ different, but when we examine the outcomes we can see it is ALL THE SAME.
They DO NOT leave us for all the variety of ‘reasons’ they give to their friends and family. They do not try to get us back for the reasons they tell us. They do not do ANYTHING for the reasons they tell us. If I can give one word of advice I would say DO NOT LISTEN TO THEIR WORDS. But, if you must listen, you must do so with ears that can hear the truth, which is NOT what they are saying, but what they are trying to AVOID.
DETECTION and loss of control.
They want to control everyone and everything around them, in as far-reaching a manner as their imaginations can fathom. They want to make sure no one and no situation is not bending to their will. That is all they are really after. The love-bombing, lying, gas lighting, cheating, stealing, manipulations and strategies are all geared to gain more and more control of OTHERS. In this way it is interesting that they appear to have NO CONTROL over the very thing/person who they could have control over:
Their OWN lives and behaviors. This is the definition of a VERY sick person.
That is NOT to say they don’t plan and scheme. If they are intelligent enough, like Ted Bundy and the likes, they do plan and scheme”.so can plan the next move in their game; where to move the next chess piece. BUT, overall, they CANNOT QUIT PLAYING THE GAME.
They are what they are. If you let them back into your life, your phone, your face book page, anywhere at all they will continue to play this game with you. They are ill, and unable to ABSOLUTELY control the illness that is destroying them. They can hold back, or change direction, for the sake of the GAME. But not in the sense that they can heal themselves.
Here is the good news. Knowing these things we can choose to maintain NO CONTACT. This gives us the space to heal ourselves. WE ARE CAPABLE OF THIS.
I know,I really do, how awful the phase of physical and emotional illness is for everyone here. I lost a lot of money, I acted so crazy at my work I was forced out, I lost friends, my bestie quit talking to me because she was so freaked out about how crazy and sick I had become. I lost so much weight I could have told people I was having cancer treatments. I didn’t bathe for days at a time. When I could eat I would often throw up. Sleep was maybe 3 hours at a time. My whole life fell into complete shambles.
My therapist, while supportive, didn’t quite get it either”.but she was still an anchor and never completely invalidated my experience. She was helpful, even if not in her ability to completely understand.
Walking was good.
Reading everything I could get my hands on, about PTSD, personality disorders, etc”was VERY validating and kept me (even if my a thin thread) connected with the TRUTH.
Staying here at LF, where I could get reality checks, over and over and over again, was LIFE SAVING.
My advice”.make no contact. Make no eye contact. Do not exchange words. Let go of the losses (financial, emotional, physical). You can NEVER regain anything by going back to the source of your betrayal and loss. You cannot gain peace of mind by engaging in any activity that continues to connect you to your abuser. Not saving other women, not digging up dirt on the psychopath.
If you MUST have contact do so through a 3rd party (the courts, lawyer, police). Even then the psychopath will try and triangulate the situation and make you the perpetrator. EXPECT this.
Continue to focus on yourself. Even if you are miserable. YOUR ONLY PRIORITY IS YOU. No one else will, or can, do this level of self-care and healing for you.
There WILL be a time when this will be OVER. You will recover and become whole. You will make it to the other side of this nightmare. It can be done.
LOVE and healing to everyone hurting person here at LF”..Slim
Thank you slimone,
That is an amazing post and prompted me to go to stealth mode.
Thank you.
No more boo hoo.
I am pissed and feeling stronger than ever.
The security cameras installed at all points monitored through my cell phone at work.
i am going to catch him in action, in my home, invading my privacy and have him arrested.
Order of protection filed and on his way back to prison.
Bye stalker, bye nightmare.
I have the right to feel safe in my own home and will do anything and everything to achieve it.
Thanks for your post…
Stronginthecity.
PS I have no problem paying the fees and jumping through hoops to get a legal firearm in my home and arm myself at the shooting range with power and precision. I have no problem shooting anyone who enters my home.
I am DONE being a victim and will take any means necessary to protect me and my home.
How dare he. No more.
Oh my gosh Slimone…
I cannot tell you how much this posts speaks to me and helps me. I really cant. I will read it again and again and again.
I am really in pain over my physical addiction to this person.
I feel I will never enjoy sex like that again… and we “seemed” sonhappy. The jokes…. the nicknames… all of our silly stuff.
But yeah… I have this sick voice in my head.. maybe it is that of addiction… that says.. you will never find someone that attractive again. It is really weird. and yet my friends and fam do not see him as much. Now that I know he is not a real person…. and a heartless face of a sadistic individual… I would not be attracted to him.
but I do miss the physical part of him. when he was real.
even my female cat went nuts around him. No joke. He told me that he is a “high T” male… maybe that is it. Maybe being such a sensitive person… I can feel it and it is simply chemical… but I now understand drug addiction. and what is head spinning is that I miss the man that held me each night for 8 hours. I miss his body and heart.
and yet… if he appeared at my door.. I would not want him anyway.
He knows that he gets women hooked… even a friend of mine said that about him today. He can break your heart (always blaming you.. even if you did not do anything.).. but there is something about him… I think it might be evil… that pulls you in. but then again.. if I had known what a liar and loser he was.. the hell with his body.
sex will never feel that good again. It is not possible. and he does this to all women.
I remember… I just today remembered… that when I first met him… he was not anyone I would be attracted to. He looked like a stuck up, conceited red neck.
he asked me out. he facebooked me. I turned him down. blew him off.
I finally gave in. OKay.. I just moved here this month… he can show me around florida.
I said to him very early on… that he idid not have to worry.. I would not fall in love with him. He looked me in the eye and said, “I think you will. I am pretty sure you will.”
this is sick.
this was addiction. How the hell did I get addicted to a psychopath?
let me tell you.. if you had sex with him… you would also.
he is like crack cocaine. and no… I have never tried crack cocaine. but… I know they say the brain never stops craving it.
love you all.
my hearing in the am. fla time. love, light, prayers, please.
I looked at my restraining order… what and how I wrote when I went to the courthouse. I was so freaked out and in such shock… almost like I was on drugs.
I wrote and wrote and wrote. like five pages.
Lawyer said.. they do not want you to write all that. just the actions that you feel will repeat if a restraining order is no granted.
i find it cruel and ignorant… that emotional abuse and manipulation is not grounds for a restraining order on a master manipulator and game player like this.
Id rather be beat… know… hey… this guy beat me…. I am out… bad news…. instead of being charmed and loved out of all your money.. your body, your time, your friends… I lost several… and my sister is still not talking to me. not even on mother’s day. all b/c I went back to that asshole.
You got addicted because he hypnotized you for power and control over you. You feel like you will never find someone as good as him and sex as good as with him; because he wants you to think that and he manipulated and hypnotized you into believing that.
Sex is even better when there is honesty, caring and commitment, and security between 2 people. Sex based on a fake relationship is fake good.
Emotional abuse and manipulation isn’t a legal crime in and of itself. All the victim can do is stop having any contact with the abuser and manipulator – that does give some protection. If the abuser stalks and shows up uninvited, then the victim can get an RO based on his physical actions.
Prayers that all goes well at court for you tomorrow, and that you get the protection you need from your evil ex.
Yes, after 7 pain filled years, I finally have had no contact. since Dec 28th when I called the police after he broke into my house and I awoke to him watching me sleep….and I feel so much better now !!! I am still involved with him because of his arrest and ofcourse he is blaming it on me , telling the state he was invited and he has a key, ALL LIES OFCOURSE…but at least he cant stalk me or call me or come near me which has given me so much peace and clarity… I still miss the amazing sex and his wonderful kisses and romance, since he had gone ALL OUT TO WIN ME BACK the last time before I blocked him….the memory of seeing how sweet he was to other women we were around hurts terribly as I now know he was targeting them too, even tho he was telling me Im his ONLY love…now some of them are on his witness/character list for court against me….it makes me feel sometimes they are going to get much better treatment than I did….even tho I know thats not the truth….Donna says that is NOT going to happen, he WILL treat them badly…eventually…I thought because i found out who he is early , that would protect me, but, it didnt…I didnt lose money, not that he didnt try, I was too smart for that , but I lost something much more valuable…. my heart. I lost my heart to him… I truly loved him but, I couldnt change him and I couldnt beat him at his game and it did become a horrible game between us…because he will always win…he has NO HEART and I DO …I wish he would accept the consequences of his crime so I can really move on…he has some lowlife female criminal attorney he is probably having sex with…I can only guess the lies and story he told her, not to mention whichever of his girls picked him up from jail after I had him arrested…. glad youre all here, it helps to know youve been through it too…wish I had started no contact 6 years and 364 days ago….
This is a very accurate analysis, and very good information. Thank you.
I’m kind of freaking. I just woke up ( took the sleeping pills my doctor gave me). My phone was ringing. I got up and listened to the machine.
I don’t know what to do. It’s his mother very very angry at me. Blaming me for him standing her up on Mother’s Day. She wanted to speak to her son and he left a note that he was staying with medor the past month! She tried calling my best friend ( which I never heard of that person for te life of me).
First I am still half asleep and emotionally drained. To say the least. I have no contact since before my last surgery. Secondly I had no idea she had my phone number. Third. Why? Why? Ugh. I’m a kind individual. I never wanted his mother to be upset with me. I don’t know what to do. Do I call her back and tell her the truth? So she’ll know it’s not my fault and her son is a liar and possibly get more answers and make her feel better or do I just do nothing. I’m upset. Who is this other person. Why would he do that to his mother. Why is lying and saying he’s here. I’m sorry just freaking.
Bluelight, WOW….CRAZY…WOW.
I say in these cases follow your GUT it will never steer you in the wrong direction.
By calling her you clear your name but you might be opening the door back into hell by doing so.
Bluelight, changed my thought process on this:
IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE his mothers call….if you contact her then he might contact you and then the No Contact Rule is broken.
He might be sucking you back into his game by going through his mother. Remember they are all about playing games with everyone.
KEEP NO CONTACT RULE IN PLACE!!!
Sorry that you got her call.
bluelight and Jan7,
I didn’t even think of it as breaking NC. You’re right!
No worries bluelight. The good news is you didn’t talk to her. He is obviously up to something but it’s not too late to not get sucked in.
If she calls or he calls, do not answer!!!
I’m so sorry that this is happening. You can do this!!!!!! We are here for you. When in doubt, post on here!!
TTSP,
It’s so strange (or not) that certain people, that I have not talked to in a long while have contacted me..
Stronginthecity
Wow….same thing happened to me. Mutual friend…. That he claimed was a frenemy…. Text me on Mother’s Day. I had not heard from him in over 18 months…..I thought it was a coincidence….. Now I wonder….
I just responded in a cordial, detached way…. I guess even though I thought it might be a coincidence, I didn’t trust that it was…..don’t trust anyone associated with him
amille and strong,
Strong and I have talked about this. I strongly believe that there is no coincidence when an old mutual friend contacts you. Trust me on this one, I’ve had a lot of experience with it. No outcomes were good. I have blocked ALL mutual friends.
amille, you are right not to trust anyone associated with him. Not all have bad intentions, but our ex’s are good at playing with other peoples minds as well. Sometimes all it takes for them is to insert thoughts into the persons head and they get to thinking about you so they reach out. Sometimes it’s a higher agenda.
Either way, protect yourself! These people are not safe to you, especially while you’re healing.
amille2
In the last years that I was with my husband, and in the years following as it took a LONG time to achieve my divorce, I was NOT angry. My therapist mentioned it, that I needed to get angry. But I just didn’t FEEL it. I felt many things, but there was no rage. I felt overwhelmed by sadness, grief, regret, remorse, shame, etc. but NO anger.
I realized later that I was traumatized, NUMB. NUMB. NUMB. I had shut down. After my divorce, and a couple of more therapy sessions, my anger woke up and it was NOT pretty. I held ALL these people accountable for their abuse and enabling abuse, including and with no filter, against myself. That was when I truly didn’t care whether I lived or died (and preferred to die as I thought I was too damaged to ever be normal again).
This was ALL a passage of healing. Including my anger phase. When you are safe enough, you will likely enter into the anger phase. Just know that it’s NORMAL and a part of HEALING and work/get help and counseling to move through it. Above all, cut yourself some slack, a LOT LOT LOT of slack because you are processing some intense emotional traumas.
All my best to you and others on their healing journey.
Bluelight,
This is so not good. And unfair considering the stress you’re under. Thanks to your ex for this bomb!
I was thinking the same thing as Jan7. You may clear your name but pay hell for it. I’m wondering if you can call and keep it short? “Sorry but we broke up, I haven’t seen him and am not sure where he is.” And leave it at that.
If you tell her everything you risk her not believing you and giving him more ammo. If you can keep it short it may be enough for him to not use you as an excuse any more so that you don’t end up in this situation again.
If you ultimately decide you need to take care of you and can ignore the message, that’s probably best.
This is a tough one!!! 🙁
I freaked and after I hit submit to my comment and paced around I picked up the phone and called. The good thing is no one picked up. But I was stupid I got the machine and left the number. I’m just so angry. I’m a nice person. I’m a respect person. He’s the one mistreating me. How dare he lie and use my name like that!
I totally regret leaving that message. I’m such an idiot.i said I got the message and I just apologized for her getting angry but I had no idea where her son was and have not spoken to him since before my last surgery and the date of it. I also said I had no friend under the name she mentioned and did not know why he would say he was staying with me. I also reminded her of his cell number. Wished her a good Mother’s Day and hung up.
After I hung up I completely regretted it. But in a good person. I’m dealing with a lot. I’m angry at this situation in angry that he would do that to his mother and in angry he would lie and use my name. I’m reading your comments. I should have ignored it. I should have ignored it. I’m shaking. Now I have this name. I want to look it up. But. I’m so angry. This officially has made me angry. I haven’t been angry at all but this is not right. None of this is right. I’m going to go sit down and read the books I got from Donna some more. Thank you for all of your help. I feel like I screwed up.
Bluelight,
You are so blessed you got the machine!! I think your message was perfect. You didn’t go to great lengths, you told the truth and kept it short. You’re not stupid. You chose to call and that’s okay. You didn’t put yourself out there too much. Now the question is, what do you do if she calls back? I just think you need to be prepared for that.
You already told her the short truth so no need to get into it any further. If it were up to me and she called you back I would not let you pick up your phone!
Hopefully she won’t call. Please don’t beat yourself up. Your reaction is weighing on you so much because you know the true meaning behind all of this. She may or may not see it that way.
Stay strong. 🙂
To anyone receiving calls from any family members as well as text messages out of the blue from mutual acquaintances..
Delete and BLOCK!
SITC
Bluelight, hugs to you. YOU handle the phone call very well…please be kind to yourself right now…dont beat yourself up over this, remember YOU did not contact her, she contacted you.
This is a perfect example of why your ex is a evil manipulative guy = he is manipulating his own MOTHER on MOTHERS DAY of all days.
Thank goodness you escaped his grips!!!
This guy does not care about his own family or anyone for that matter. It’s all about his selfish needs only.
This was a good lesson to really see who he is = a liar, a cheater, a manipulator , a user, the list is never ending with this guys LACK of ethics & morals & integrity.
If she calls back like Thistooshallpass states dont pick up her call….let this pass…you got the last word!! That is power!! YOU got your power back by leaving a honest machine message without ever speaking to her.
BEWARE he may now contact you…DONT ANWSER & DONT LISTEN TO HIS MESSAGE JUST DELETE IT ALL TOGETHER. He has nothing to say except lies to you, to his mother to everyone!! BLOCK HIM ASAP!!
PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK for reaching out of support on LF tonight…huge step in the healing process!!!
I’m proud of you, you handled this very stressful situation very well.
🙂 🙂 🙂
ps Bluelight, Feel your feelings…being angry is a good thing in this case…you finally see who he is & you are finally reacting to his horrible behavior in a healthy angry manner. You being angry in this situation is a NORMAL reaction!!!
I am not an angry person by nature so when I hit the angry stage after leaving my ex and learning he was a sociopath, it hurt me so much but it was also the stage of grieving that really made me know I was seeing reality and seeing my husband (now ex) for who he really was = an evil evil sociopath.
Jan7 and bluelight,
I’m learning that our emotions are the window to our intuition! Like you said Jan7, your anger proved that you were seeing your ex for who he is.
My counselor recently pointed out something interesting in me…a behavior pattern she’s noticed. When I’m feeling more down and anxious typically happens before #1 pulls a stalking move or before I’ve figured something out that he’s doing. I also started getting depressed and anxious with #2, which was a huge red flag! My counselor says its not a pleasant thought, but that I should pay attention to when I’m down and anxious because it seems to be an indicator that my tuition is telling me something. I’m starting to pay more attention to my feelings, especially when it comes to trusting my gut.
I think it was Annette PK that said something on this site today about taking care of ourselves and emotion. During these stages trust your body. If you don’t feel like eating, don’t. If your tossing and turning during the night, let yourself. All in moderation of course. Doing this long term would be harmful. Bottom line, experience your emotions. It’s all about processing, feeling what we need to feel, trusting what we need and acceptance.
Thistooshallpass…your post is very good. As kids we are taught to stuff our feelings down…basically ignore them and just get through the day, be polite to others no matter what & get along with others. But now I realize no one is taught how to deal with their emotions as a child then as adults. This is part of the reasons why we keep working on our relationships to make them work instead we all should have just run when our gut was telling us over and over.
Like you state Thistooshallpass “I’m learning that our emotions are the window to our intuition”
Our emotions are survival mechanisms…just like fight, flight or freeze modes are survival mechanisms. The emotions are our mind (our soul) assessing the situation. If you see a bear in the back yard you will become scared and then you will call the police we should have done this with the sociopaths in our lives too.
Yes, Jan7! We are taught as kids to block out so much!! We are told as females to act polite, be nice and trust authority. Basically we are taught to ignore ourselves and how we feel. If I would’ve trusted my gut and feelings on my spaths, rather than their opinions or the opinions of others I would be in a much better place! Now when I want a persons opinion on something I question myself…”What kind of validation am I wanting from them? Am I validating myself?” This helps me to recognize who and when I ask for guidance. I stick with the people I know are trustworthy and safe to my being. I listen to myself more often than not now, above all.
I want to share my favorite poem. I’ve had it posted on my vision board for years and only now, going through my healing process do I encompass its meaning.
THE GUEST HOUSE
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
-Rumi
Thistooshallpass, what an awesome poem!!! Thank you for posting!
How to Express & listen to your feelings is what they should teach in school right after the course in how to spot a narcissist/sociopath.
Thank you everyone. I woke up this morning and my messages are empty. I think I will be changing my number. Emotionally I am very down. Devastated. This is how I would get everytime he would do something hurtful. I just am so glad I got the machine. The stress did make me physically ill. The good thing right now is I actually asked for help from a friend to help me go to the doctors so that means less struggling. All of the times he wouldn’t come I knew if I asked help he would just later get very very angry and use that against me. ” oh so that person helped and I didn’t obviously you’re sleeping with them”, and so his United Kingdom hints and nothing would make sense and bam another silent treatment and complete devastation for me. Cycle repeat. I am not angry just upset. I am still in disbelief. Still in shock anyone would mistreat anyone like that. Me not having parents I look at this and just hurt. I empathize too much I guess. I am not going to call her back. That’s my decision. I’m trying to remain strong and I have actually put the ringer on off. Today I know I’ll be busy with doctor and treatment stuff so I’ll be good. I’ll probably be too exhausted when I get back. I have to think of me first. Something I am foreign in doing and he knows that. I figure it was a sign I got the machine. I am sorry she got mistreated but I told her enough let her think. I’ve never lied to them. I’ve always been a good person. This showed me he is lying to them. Mistreating them. He always would treat everyone like royalty and me like garbage. So I’m thinking his masks are coming off with the others. Or maybe this is him and they are his parents and are used to it. My mantra today is
Try not to focus on him today. Try to focus on you and what you need. It’s going to be hard. But I have to at least try.
I wanted to come on here and give support to kitty.
((Hugs))
I’m thinking of you and sending you good thoughts prayers and strength. YOU CAN DO THIS.
I’ll catch up when I come back from the doctors. Everyone thank you. Annette jan strong slim everyone who has shared their story. Thank you. Put cameras up. Be safe. Love yourself.
jan7,
AMEN! Or maybe we should be taught from birth to listen to ourselves. I once saw a speaker, Barbara Coloroso. She said that it is the responsibility of parents to start letting their children make choices for themselves at very young ages so that we can foster their self esteem and worth in order for them to make good choices along the way. A simple example of this she gave is “Would you like the red sippy cup or blue sippy cup?” as early as when a child begins to drink out of a cup. We give children the ability to think for themselves this way and to trust in themselves. Ultimately the long term goal is to teach them to make good choices along the way and to teach them to do things simply because they are the right things to do, not because they have to. Look her up! She is amazing. She’s often called to the scene of school shootings and mass murders. She was a former nun, now married with kids.
If we were all encouraged to listen to ourselves, to be good people, paired with education on narcissist/sociopath behaviors, and if our societies had the expectation of good behavior, the world would be a better place!
Thistoo and Jan7…this was very enlightening and something pulled me to this thread this morning. Almost like I had to see it…..
Right now I keep trying to stuff the pain and draw on intellectual side.
For example…the memories and How did he manage this double life thoughts keep popping in my head…how did he explain being with me/waking up with me on Valentines Day? Why did he not ever be cruel or gaslight me? Why did he seem genuinely happy and seemed to love to make me laugh?
When I have these thoughts, I feel pain. So intellectually I tell myself “who cares?” He lied about everything….. Each and every detail was a lie…so quit trying to make sense of it….
Now I am wondering if I should just stop fighting the pain. That maybe I should feel it. Maybe if I would have allowed myself to feel vs rationalizing all the bull he told me I would have saw the mask sooner…
Thank you for this gift.
Amille2,
It’s difficult to feel your emotions and easier to go the intellectual route, especially when you’re still numb. Try not to force that either. Allow yourself to be in that place. It’s all about the healing process. Sounds like you’re needing to question and go through all of this to try and make sense of it all. I still do that!
After both spaths I went through numb stages. I couldn’t cry, even though I desperately wanted to! You will start to embrace your emotions over time. It’s helpful that you are aware it’s healthy to embrace your emotions.
On that note, I can’t stop crying today. I woke up crying. I’m just letting it happen. Cleansing of the soul. That’s how I like to think of my sadness and tears.
Hi Amille2, HUGS to you, so sorry that you were conned by this lying manipulative man. 🙁
My advise to you is not to “stuff” your feelings down. I too am a logical person and would “keep calm & carry on” especially throughout my marriage. But I realize now the body & mind need to let all of the emotions out. Have a good cry or many it will free you…because you were brought up in a family that keep moving forward in time of issues you have learned to stuff your feelings but in this case it is normal to cry, it is normal to get angry at this man, it is normal to have negative thoughts towards him because he is a liar, a manipulator, a cheater, a con man.
What you experienced from this man is NOT a normal situation where someone made a mistake in how they treated you this was BLATANTLY done on purpose.
He intentionally manipulated you for his own personal gratification without regard to you or his wife or his family.
YOU SHOULD BE MAD,
YOU SHOULD BE SAD!!
This is logical to have these negative emotions especially towards him. I promise you if you let them all out you will move back to your logical self. You might cry for a few days or a few weeks but eventually you will move back towards your old self.
Please let these emotions out. If you dont they will come up years from now if you encounter another life change.
Keep a journal and pour your thoughts out in the journal…write down “I am crying” “I am so angry” that was you will be able to look back and see that it was OK to feel these emotions.
Donna Anderson has a post on this very topic, I will look for it for you and most it on the side board for you to read.
As for why did he not gas light you? He had you under his control he did not need to do this to control you, thank goodness. Gas lighting abuse is typically done when the abuser needs to control their victims from leaving or they have a new victim lined up and they want to break down & discard the last victim to cover their tracks. He might very well have gas lighted his wife.
But I want to point out that he was cruel to you.
He LIED to you,
He MANIPULATED you
lying & manipulation are emotional & mental abuse ABUSE!!!
Lying or with holding info is a from of abuse. Most women leaving a abusive relationship did not experience physical abuse but they did experience mental & emotional abuse throughout the relationship.
Ask this question:
Had I been emotional during the relationship and not logical would I have seen who he really was?
amille2, go to the red bar at the top of this site click on “home” then on the right side a few inches down you will find the search bar…do a search with the word “healing” and read those articles. Donna writes in one not to stuff your feelings down.
Hugs to you today 🙂 🙂 🙂
Yes he was cruel. Cruel beyond comprehension. Everyday I understand that more …and it drives me deeper into shock….there are tears below the surface but I can’t cry. I feel immense pain…..but I can’t get angry.
Logic is how I approach everything. When I realized my ex husband is an alcoholic…. I read up on that…. Went into counseling… Joined Al anon..,and decided to divorce. My counselor told me it takes an average of 7 attempts for a spouse to leave. Not me. I knew too much at that point. He made it clear he wasn’t going to stop drinking. I left and never looked back.
Never mind how I felt about the whole thing. I had to save my children.
But this? This cuts deeper than anything I thought possible.
I read about projection and the spath. Memories flooding. Most notably…. 2 years ago I contracted a UTI…in itself not unusual. However, I couldn’t kick it….2 rounds of antibiotics.,…. And 6 weeks later….2 more. Oh yes, he was all concerned. Then told me his daughter had one too..,he was worried that he was reinfecting me by using her towel or sharing the bathroom. I got sick this morning when I realized his now wife was the one who had it…. And he was just passing it back and forth….
How do I begin to comprehend that? Where do I learn how someone who tells you that they love you had no disregard for you….on any level?
Still no tears….or anger..,I don’t feel anything right now.
And the other projections….so many…..
Good question Jan7. Maybe if I let myself feel…really feel….and told myself my feelings do matter….I would have seen the mask sooner.
I realize that my latest memory isn’t quite an accurate example of projection….
The other is when he told me his now wife was stalking him…so he told her he was going to call her parents if she didn’t stop. I know this means some poor woman threatened to call his parents.
He told me his son is bipolar. Every once in awhile he would arrive at my house tired….upset….claiming his son had a meltdown…hmmmmm, I’m guessing he had a meltdown…
I could go on…sigh
Amille, not feeling or being able to express your feelings is also normal. Just look at cult followers they are zombies. They are taught not to feel because if they did they would run.So if your ex was brain washing, mind controlling, using trance or hypnosis like a cult leader then this might be why you feel numb. and/or if you were taught as a child to keep calm & carry on by stuffing your feelings down during this relationship you might have to unearth years of feelings to really feel this situation.
I remember the day I was told by our vet that my beloved cat had cancer..days earlier my h had finally confessed to his two year affair…while waiting to pay for the vet bill I sat in the lobby and literally could not cry…I just though I can not take anymore stress…I remember thinking I can even cry I am just in a state of shock with all that has been going on in my marriage for years. I was so numb by all of the stress, manipulation and mental games my ex was doing that I had turned zombie, stepford, robot wife..no feeling just trying to get through the day. Reminded me of the original movie The Stepford wife. Which I know realize the bases for the movie was a cult run by a sociopath.
I think your body, mind & spirit are still in the state of shock. rightfully so. It was not until I finally escaped my ex h and literally drove across country to get away from him & a counselor told me who he really was did my emotions start pouring out. You are going to go through the grieving stages so google those so you know.
I have never cried as hard as I did…when I thought there was no more tears I would start sobbing uncontrollably then at some point it turned to anger…I am not an angry person by nature so this was extremely hard to deal with…I have never been that angry in my life, thank goodness. I kept to my self during this time because I did not want to turn my anger on a friend/family as it needed to be placed firmly on my ex, by then I was no contact with him. My counselor asked me what I was feeling throughout several weeks & I would just say ANGRY that is what I am feeling. Angry that I did not listen to my gut about him on day one, angry that I did not leave him in the beginning, angry that I knew he was playing me but I still allowed him.
As hard as it was to deal with all of the emotional side of things it was a good lesson on how to deal with you emotions without stuffing them down & that it is a necessary process no matter what the issue is small or large…that logic & following your gut will keep you out of trouble but so will really focusing on what your emotions are at the time of an issue. Emotions are a warning system for us.
it’s great to be logical but you have to feel too. YOu have had a lot of emotional things happen to you in your life with your ex & now this guy feel these things. The book Women who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown also has a work book that goes with it (cost extra) that explores the emotional side. Donna’s book Lovefraud also had a work book too. Start tapping into your emotions it will really set your free.
Hang in there…you are doing great reading & asking questions.
I think the message you left may have been ok. It was honest and brief.
You’ve been lied to and lied about. It is natural to be angry at being betrayed.
amille2,
I too received a text on Mothers day from a mutual friend of the spath. I had not spoken to him in about 8 months or longer.
We talked last year when spath and I were fighting.
He told me he wanted to come and visit me, mad plans and bailed at the last minute so I just stopped talking to him so when I got the text on Mothers day I didn’t recognize the # .
He said Happy mothers day. I said thanks, even though I don’t know who this is..it’s Dave . No reply from me. He was like wow, you really don’t remember me…no reply from me.
He said, oh sorry to bother you. No reply from me.
He is friends with the SOB who gave the spath my # in 2013 after I told him NOT TO.
So, longs story short..watch out because when you cur ties with the spath they reach out to their network of puppets.
I saw some shady character ride past my house on a bicycle twice yesterday.
Strongunthecity
PS I am watching “About Last Night” with Demi Moore and Rob Lowe from 1986….wow. Thats the year my daughter was born and very much reminds me of my life back at that time with my ex husband(not the spath).
We moved in together and had a lot of these issues in this movie.
Wow…so you told Dave not to give out your number and he did anyway? Then contacts you acting like you would be happy to hear from him?
What is wrong with people?
amille2,
No Dave is a friend of the person who gave the spath my phone # in 2013.
The person who gave the phone # did some work on my house.
I told him NOT to give it to spath.
They were at a street fest (spath and friend).
Spath asked friend if he had seen me. He said yes, I have her #.
Friend claims that even though his screen was cracked on his phone spath memorized the number. I believe friend, that he did not give it to him.
Thats the day he called me.
Dave is friends with friend on FB but claims he doesnt really know him(BS).
Dave and I started chatting when expath and I would get in arguments and then tried to date me. I googled Daves name and found out his ex girlfriend has a order of protection on Dave. Thats when I stopped talking to him.
Strong
He treats his mother with the same degree of care or lack of it that he treats you and everyone else. It just depends on what he thinks will get him what he wants.
He may have told his mother any kind of lies about you to his mother to set you up. Consider not trying to tell her the truth. She is not thinking logically if she is blaming you for her son’s choice to stand her up on Mother’s Day. Consider not calling her back; or if you do, briefly tell her you’re sorry that she’s upset and tell her that you don’t know where her son is, or if you do know give her the contact info. It would probably be best if you didn’t get into a detailed discussion with her.
Kittylover,
Please let us all know how your court date goes today.
Thinking about you!
SITC
strong… I did.. I posted it. I am too exhausted to find it or retell. can you please look for it.
much love to you.
I got a 90 ro. yay.
Kitty,
I read your post about the RO court date.
How brave you are to do this.
Of coarse he lied to the judge, he lies.
Thats what they do.
Don’t expect anything less from the disordered person.
It’s going to take time to get past this pain and then you will feel better.
You can forgive and move on but now you are feeling pain and that is what normal people do.
You took him im and nursed him back to health. His bad for taking advantage of your kindness.
Kitty, Megan..you WILL be ok.
You will eventually remove his photos. Delete them one by one when you are ready and he will just be a distant memory.
Try not to focus on him so much, he will be fine.
Stronginthecity
,dear strong and the rest of the group, I am using voice text in my car. I am on my way to see the female psychologist that told me in September that he was disordered. I do not want to go, but I know that I need to do this.
Kitty,
Way to go.
I am so glad you are going.
I know you don’t want to but if after this session you don’t want to see her again you don’t have to.
Good luck and take care of YOU!
Your friend,
Stronginthecity
,,I feel like a fool in front of her but my psychiatrist who works with her said return to her because she has some history and saw what happened. She also has a spiritual aspect Wayne dyer and all the stuff that I enjoy. how embarrassing to see her now. I’m was a fool. A lonely.. new to town… fresh out of rehab for ptsd and anorexia … sex addict of a fool
Friends,
I’m feeling so confident in my decision to go completely NC with my ex. I have cut ties in ALL ways for him to contact me or for me to check up on him. It’s been 4 days of the full NC and I couldn’t feel better about it. It’s so much easier to not worry about contact when there’s no way for him to reach out!
That said, I am so sad reading everyone’s posts on here today. So many stories, newcomers, etc. How is it this is even possible? That these people affect so many? That they even exist? My heart bleeds for all of us. My heart bleeds for me, even though I trust and KNOW I’ll come out stronger than before. I am so sad. So sad for us, for our loses. Not of our loses of them, but ourselves, US”and in many cases friends, family, children, homes, jobs, finances. The more unfortunate have even lost their lives to these people. So many of us live in fear day to day, moment to moment. We fear our lives, our relationships, humanity, how to rebuild, how to find comfort and joy again.
Why??? All because we chose to love. And were conned. How can this be? We deserve so much more.
Thistooshallpass,
I definitely feel you. These disordered people have taken up way to much of our time.
Lets all move on, please!
I know how hard it is and as Dr. Phil would say..
Whats worse than being involved with a spath for an enire year?
Answer, being involved with one for 1 year and 1 minute..
Stronginthecity
You have captured my thoughts and feelings the last few days perfectly…. Why??? Is a big one for me….and much sadness….feeling completely defeated for having loved someone unconditionally…
I’m grateful I have found all the wonderful people here who understand
So he tried calling me twice last night, the calls intercepted by my Privacy Star app. Thank you!
Called 2 times for what.
Then of coarse I start to think there is something wrong…my mind wanders…he will be fine!
I have to take care of me, and my daughter..my job, car and house.
What the heck does this man want from me?
Leave me alone.
Stronginthecity
I had a brief slip up yesterday.
I had his texts and phone calls blocked.
I am unable to read messages or receive voice mails.
I am however able to see the missed calls on the blocking app.
My curiosity got the best of me yesterday.
I text him..”are you ok” (my caring nature)
His response 2 minutes later “yeah I guess I miss my Kitties”
Next from him” All four of them”(I have 3 cats)
My response “sounds like you are fine”
His response “and how is my favorite kitty doing” (BARF)
His next text”I guess your alright thanks for asking Im alright”
45 minutes go by, I still have not replied ..
His text “I have called but you dont answer” (DUH)
His last message “Have a nice night”
What the heck was I expecting?
I’m sorry that I invited you to go on a trip 3 times and then never asked you about it again for the week before.
Im sorry for being an insensitive ahole.
REALLY?
Can someone please explain to me why I would expect anything different from this disordered person?
Stronginthecity
You’re a good person, and it’s next to impossible to believe that these disordered psychopaths could possibly really be as awful as they are. I kept thinking I would wake up and it would all be a bad dream.
You are hopeful for the best.
It was a learning experience. He will not change nor will he feel remorse nor care. He will forever (at least in this lifetime) think that he is right, and he will always keep doing exactly what he has been doing. Your interaction with him will sink in to your reality.
The longer you can maintain NC, the sooner you’ll feel way better.
AnnettePK,
Thank you for your kind words. He has figured out that I am on to him..
I sent him a link before he left on his stupid trip to a website I think it was a How to spot a sociopath-with pictures!
He knows he is not and never will be good enough for me and yes he will just keep doing what he does.
I don’t even miss him anymore. I am enjoying my peace and quiet and it’s just taking a bit longer for all of the craziness and drama to calm down.
Man what a ride. I think of all of the things he did..the lying, picking fights, triangulation, needing to keep constant tabs on me, the stalking, coming into my home..on and on. This man actually lied about being at work and would send me text messages with pics to “prove”he was at work and he would really be at his crappy basement apt(or my house) sleeping, talking to his puppets on the phone, plotting and scheming his next move and victims I’m sure. Making me feel crazy because nothing ever made sense.He would drop hints to make me go..what??????? Planting doubts in my head because he knew it would make me jealous.
UNBELIEVABLE.
I see all of it now, thank goodness.
Stronginthecity
I agree with Annette. You’re being hopeful. I know that’s how I was after every silent treatment. Even now. I am still trying to accept everything and piece everything together. My down fall was always being too hopeful and he preyed on that.
As much as we think they’ll go away when they think we’re on to them becareful. For years I was sending mine articles on healthy relationships and healthy communication. He played the “I never learned how to communicate in my family so please be patient with me card/pity/manipulation” very well. Too well. I was hopeful. After year 5 it was clear for me I needed respectful two open communication and started to put boundaries down for myself. He didn’t like that but I see now played along for some time. I even sent him a few articles on silent treatments and how they can be emotionally abusive. Which would change his attitude and he would play the “I didn’t know” card but he would always do it again. Then he would start making fun of me and saying I was playing victim and mock me and my family background.
Just please be careful. It sounds like you are Avery caring person and get worried about those you care about. I know in my own experience that was exploited a lot. Try making a list of all the triggers he’s used in the past to get you to answer. Just so you are aware. So if he tries something next time- you can look at the list and be reminded.
It’s hard and it’s ok that you broke contact. I’m still proud of you and everything you are realizing and sharing on here. I know you’ve opened my eyes a lot. Try not to be hard on yourself. You’re a caring person. If all else fails try the “grey rock ” solution.
Have a good night.
Please forgive me. My head is all foggy because of my doctors appointment today- I also wanted to add that mine did that too! ( Send Photos of his work desk, the airport and what’s at the airport that week whether it was a holiday theme or a new advertisement poster all the meanwhile he wasn’t at work. Which his lie would come out down the road and make me confused. Then he would try to make me even more confused I thought I was going crazy sometimes. I think they do that to evade. It’s sick and tiring. Imagine how tiresome it must be to lie and lie about everything all he time?). These creatures are something.
Nothing good but I digress. Ok going to lie down. Enjoy the movie and have a good evening everyone.
I truly do realize that he is nothing but a shell of a person and has burned bridges with all, even his own children are sick of him.
Bluelight,
He knows I am on to his game and is staying away because I told him that I met someone else while we were apart that doesn’t give me a stomach ache.
I’m sure hes busy telling everyone that I’m crazy and whatever else he tells his family when we broke up a million times before.
I don’t care.
He will never change.
He does what he does.
I still have the engagement ring he gave me for Christmas and I called the store where he bought it. They can do a return without a receipt for store credit. I am almost ready to do it.
I’m not keeping it because I’m holding on to hope that things will change.
I know for a fact they will not.
I look at it and honestly still trying to figure out why he gave it to me.It is a beautiful ring. Too bad after he put it on my finger it didn’t mean a thing.
Oh well…maybe next weekend I’ll return it. I tried to give it back to him but he said no, it was from his heart and kept putting it back on my finger.
Stronginthecity
Strong,
My ex gave me a ring that had no meaning, also. We’d been ‘married’ for a couple of years by then. I think now that he gave it to me because he was trying to keep my attention and keep me believing that he was heterosexual monogamous and wanting a relationship with me. He thought that’s what it would take to keep me hooked.
strong and bluelight,
Spath #1 did the same thing! All the pictures to prove that he was somewhere doing something! On airplanes, at the doctor’s office even. I’d always think, “Why is he even sending me this right now?” Because he was a jerk and a liar. How do they even keep up with their own lives???
TTSP,
UGH what is the point of all of that crazy nonsense.
Exhausting. Margarita and Dateline!
Strong
Strong,
That’s funny! I was thinking margs and settled on wine. Dateline. Same spaths, same Friday nights! Love you 🙂
Thistooshallpass,
I am shaking my head as I read your post.
Eye roll.
I have no idea how they keep up the charade for SO long…
SITC
Strong, Remember, jane, jan, all of my LF friends….
I am having such a hard time right now! Over something that should be so small!! So I wrote on LF earlier today, had coffee with a friend and when I got home to write back to everyone my computer went crazy!!!
So I’ve been trying to fix it for hours. Ended up talking to apple support for two hours and am now backing it up (another 4 hours to go) so I can bring it in tomorrow. They said something is very wrong with it. I’m typing from another device now.
Here’s what I didn’t expect….the flood of emotions. During spat #1’s stalking I was concerned my computer had been compromised. So #2, to help me out decided we should back up my computer and wipe it. He brought over a hard drive and re-installed. Something I haven’t been comfortable with to this day! He had complete control over my computer for hours. Not to mention he installed an airport express that I still have as my wifi monitor. #2 owns his own IT business for God’s sake. I’ve been nervous for many months that he was the one to re-install everything!
So here I am, going through this computer hassle, which normally shouldn’t be a big deal…but I’ve been triggered…BIG time! I’ve wanted to back up everything and start over again anyway to make sure #2 isn’t a computer threat, but good lord I’m a mess. And not like I have the money to deal with this right now!
To top it off, I never gave #2’s external hard drive back because I didn’t want him having my info. And guess what I’m using now to back things up? #2’s external hard drive! I don’t know if my computer will survive and it’s all I have RIGHT now. I have to use it and it makes me sick.
Wth is wrong with me? This shouldn’t be a big deal. I need to cook dinner but have been dealing with this stuff. It’s getting late and I don’t even want to eat.
I’m a hot mess.
Not to mention I’ve made so many changes recently to delete them from my life permanently. I’m so overwhelmed!!!
This Too,
It sounds like the computer situation is triggering intense negative feelings for you. It’s a normal symptom of PTSD.
It also sounds like your computer could have some sophisticated spyware on it and the stalker could have access to everything on it. Maybe this would be a good time to get a new, or totally wiped drive, and change all your passwords and your screen name here.
If you restore from the backup, I think it could restore any spyware that was on the computer, unless you’re backing up files only, not programs. I’m not sure. It’s worth having an expert take a look at it.
Annette,
Thank you for your reply. I am seriously freaking out! I’m sooo over this!!!! I did the research. I can reinfect if I use the hard drive. Or even if I use another hard drive to download my eveything off my computer. Although what I’ve looked at it seems this kind of thing is rare. Still, I don’t put it past him (or #1). I’m hoping after all is backed up my computer will last long enough to transfer at least some stuff on a USB. I have mementos, important docs and all my evidence from #1 (in case I need it) on that computer.
Good news is I told the IT person I have a stalker and he looked into some things to make me more comfortable. Still….I can’t shake the feeling something is wrong. I haven’t been able to shake the feeling for many months. I’m constantly checking my computer for strange activity and BAM, here we go! I’ve only had it since Feb 2014.
I’ve already changed so many passwords. I’ve had 3 user names on here. #2 knows I use this site. I’ve shared too much on here. I don’t want to start over on here and not be able to share. This is my only outlet where I feel understood, aside from my counselor. I have understanding friends and family but that can only go so far.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I FINALLY cut all ties. ALL of them! I’ve been feeling better since I cut all ties a little over a week ago. And now this! Why is this happening? How did I get myself into this mess? I can’t stop crying. When will this all stop??? I don’t know how much more of this I can handle.
This Too,
Sounds like you are on top of the computer issues. Maybe you could start with a new or wiped computer and not reload the backed up data right away. Just let it sit, you still have it all, and can access it any time. Maybe for awhile you’d have more security if you didn’t risk any kind of sophisticated spyware.
It sounds like your intuition is trying to tell you something. Maybe after you get some rest from the stress you are experiencing, you can try to figure out what it is that is really bothering you. There may be some valuable information there that you can take some action about that will lead to feeling better and being safer.
Thistooshallpass, HUGS…I have had those moments too, they suck! 🙁
For me I now recognize when I become triggered and then quickly step away from what ever is causing me to be triggered. Your computer is triggering you right now so take time away from the issue and let your mind & heart rate settle a bit. Then you will be able to go back to your computer issue with a clear mind and calm body.
I never had those moments until the sociopath craziness mostly towards then end when my blood pressure & hormones where off balance from all the stress he put me under.
Wishing you all the best & that your computer issues are settled 🙂 take care!
AnnettePK,
The disordered individual (thats my new name for him, thanks slimone) always knew when to tug on my heart strings…
His medical issues, his heart attack 100 years ago, his cae accident, his neck, his blah blah blah.
I have chronic pain yet find a way to drive 50 miles to and from work and hold down a full time job…he is just a lazy bum looking for a free ride.
He told me over and over again how good looking he used to be/still is(he looks like a sick old man) but still manages to get his hooks in women like me and others..one that used to call his phone all of the time.
Shes just a friend..blah blah . One time she called. I found out she is a vice president of a frickin bank. True. I was standing right there. I heard the conversation. He answered the phone because I told him it was annoying that she kept calling. He answers. Right away he goes into his spiel..”oh did yo and your sister pick out paint colors”? Her on the other end “what are you talking about” His response “oh so you want that condo on whatever street painted’? Her, “I think I’ll call you tomorrow, you sound busy” she hung up. I asked him who this was. Just a friend…I told him..hello I am standing right here. I heard her reply to your fake painting story, she had no idea what you were talking about. Oh no, babe I need to get some painting work. She wants her condo painted. I told him to tell her stop calling him when he is at my house. “I will. She will never call again”. A few weeks go by and she calls again. I asked him who it was..it was her again. Um do you not remember the conversation we had a few weeks ago. He replies what..I recited it to him..he looks at me like I have 3 heads. Then he says oh I never said that..OMG.
To this day I still don’t know what their relationship is/was. They are mutual friends with this bully fat woman who on the bank ladies behalf contacted me after I called the bank woman and she did not answer. I left her a message why do you keep calling my boyfriend. I called her 2 times and sent he a text. She never replied to me but the fat lady mutual friend sent me bullying text messages on my phone, never saying it was about bank lady. Then I made a fake FB profile and discovered bank lady and fat lady are friends on FB. OK, fat lady does not work because of her weight I guess and cuts hair out of her home. What does she and bank lady have in common? My expath. I really am starting to think he was selling drugs. My imagination is flying right now but makes sense.
I always wondered who on Earth has so many friends. Who are these people who call all the time(they slowed down when he was here).
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This makes total sense. The sketchy friends..one called Skunky. I actually saw this guy one time by the crappy apt. They were talking in front of expaths building. They make some weird eye contact as I approached and the Skunky slithered away.
That was a while ago but most of his friends were people from our old neighborhood(we grew up together but did not know each other) I was the pretty girl and he was from “the other side of the tracks”.
Anyway, I am ranting again because I had a wonderful peaceful night sleep.
Stronginthecity
Wow. I mean wow. Don’t they realize we aren’t stupid? Mine his his phone. Litterally and would go to the bathroom to check it. When things were fine. When we had a disagreement of some sort ( when that week I wasn’t being a doormat and was asking for respect), and he was playing along ( back then I believed we were growing and he was learning that every person in the relationship deserves to be respected little did I know a punishment for standing up to him was just around the corner), that’s when his blackberry would come out. No shame like a teenage girl. Getting messages from his friend. On a company phone no less. Beep after beep. Head in the phone, laughing and snickering. I’d ask ” oh! What’s so funny? A joke?” Sometimes he would read it and I would make a joke. He would type it out like his own, and then sometimes he’d get all defensive and bark “it’s none of your business!” Um, hello. You made plans to see me and spend time with me and the last three hours I’ve spent waiting for you with putting our plans on hold because you won’t stop typing to your friends. Or as he called them “coworkers”. Real professional. Using a company phone to have these discussions. It just seemed odd. The real odd thing was when he slept over in the middle of the night he gets a call from a buddy and had to leave. He grabbed my keys. He made it seem like an emergency. Like his friend was stranded. We just fell asleep. Had a beautiful evening together night, made love and there he goes. At 4 am he’s still not back and no heads up if he’s ok or if his friend is ok. Nothing. 5 am rolls around. He still has my keys and I had to be up for work at 6 and leave at 6:30. He had my keys. He wouldn’t answer his phone. Finally after calling for ever. He texts me back ( he would never answer a call when he was around anyone but his parents I was to blame for that. He didn’t want to get “emotional” he said because of the “fights” we had. Aka him gas lighting, me standing up for myself and then silent treatment. He finally answers saying his “friend took him out for noodles downtown as a thank you”, um you left how many hours ago? Couldn’t you plan the “thank you ” another night? You were at your girlfriends! In the middle of the night. I look back on that night and I don’t believe it. How anyone could be so disrespectful. Needless to say I never heard that co workers name again. He went through guy friends like we go through panties.
Then he went to hidding his phone. Never answering it and blaming me. Like I was a ranging lunatic. ( which I’m not. I would be respectful. I also would tell him he could invite any friend over if he wanted to.)
I read all of the recent posts. It makes me exhausted to think of how tiresome it would be them. I know I wouldn’t be able to keep up the stories.
Thank you for all the advice. It’s helping. Today has been difficult. I just keep remembering our last conversation in the hospital. I was so hopeful. So much in love and believed everything would be ok and I just had to get through that surgery and bam! He still has my stuff. He still has my pets urn. Who does that?
I’m not going to lie just like some here admitted I too wanted the disease to just take me because I hurted so much from the neglect and rejection and the games. The endless games. He made me feel like it was all my fault. I never got a ring like some. I got the talk of one if I was good. That’s just sick now that I think of it. I say pawn the rings. Or make it a necklace or earrings. You guys deserve something nice.
And kitty I am glad you are going to see her. Don’t feel bad. Be proud of yourself. She knew something was off with him. If anything she could explain to you what she saw then. We were all fooled and we can’t live in blame or responsibility. I think that’s what they want. Let us just be glad that we loved. That we are actually capable of honest genuine true love. Love these creatures don’t deserve.
As for friends I don’t think they truly will understand unless they’ve been through it. Some of mine just understand he treated me badly simply because they saw I was always alone. Doctor visits, lie events. Alone. That he never answered his phone. That’s what makes them angry. As for anything emotionally they don’t truly get it and don’t really wish to hear it. All they offer for me is the fact that I deserved better. Comforting sometimes but days like today. Lonely.
I’m glad I found this site. Thank you. Sending you all good thoughts.
Blue,
You might consult a lawyer briefly to see what your options are as far as getting your things back.
Or you might write your ex a brief letter or email instructing him to drop your things off somewhere, like a friend’s place. Tell him when and a window of time for him to drop them off.
It does sound like it could have been contacts for buying some kind of illegal drugs.
Relationships should not be like this; it’s crazy making.
Glad you got a good night’s sleep. That’s a blessing.
Thistooshallpass,
Regarding your post about the stalking and no mentions of him coming in our houses..
Yes, the toilet seat being left up was something that really annoyed me when we were together as did him constantly leaving the lights on..um I have an electric bill to pay, his was included in his rent at the jail-like basement apartment. It really annoyed me so much disrespect.
I can’t even imagine living a moment inside that crazy head.
I’m going to get that movie you recommended and watch it this weekend!
Stroninthecity
Strong,
Good. You need a good laugh! Although it kind of makes me sad that people would view a movie about sociopaths as entertaining and funny when we really know the truth and pain behind it all. Still, it’s a nice feeling to put some light on our situations and laugh about it here and there!
I figured that stuff annoyed him. Just as I figure mine would unlock doors and windows because he figured out that I was changing up my security and it would scare me. The stuff he moved was weird too. Like one time I found my coffee pot moved to a different location in my kitchen. WTH?
Strong,
Something just hit me! I love my coffee. I mean LOVE my coffee. Which means, he had been watching me long enough to know I love my coffee. We were also friends on FB because I’d known him from high school, although we weren’t even friends by any means before we dated. Again, the house invasions happened 3-4 years before we dated. When I was on FB I definitely eluded to my love of coffee.
I’m going to think back about other signs and why certain things were moved. I can’t believe I never made the coffee connection before!
And if for some reason I’m wrong that it was him getting into my house (it must’ve been him!) that means some other creeper had figured out I love my coffee. Ew.
Thistooshallpass,
I checked Netflix and The Holiday is not available to stream but I will rent it tomorrow..I watched the trailer and it looks good.
You HAVE to rent/watch “The Other Woman” it’s sooo good.
Very empowering.Staring Cameron Diaz…Have to see it . I rented it and watched it at least 4 times…
Dateline is on in a few minutes and I LOVED when I would NOT answer his calls on Friday because I was completely exhausted from WORKING all week and I wanted Friday night to myself…he would freak out big time because I would not answer my phone…haha .
Stronginthecity
PS..I think we were dating the same spath
Thistooshallpass,
In regarding to your computer hassle. My advice: GET A NEW HARD DRIVE! If he is any handy with computers, there could be all computer programs on there that is hidden that can find out your password (key loggers)and allow an open gateway to your computer and info. Do not plug your computer to the Internet until it’s WIPED clean and a CLEAN install.
My spath was one with those machines. It’s very easy to put that on anyone’s. He even did it to mine without my knowledge (“to charge his phone”). Little did I know a month later I found out. Just to be safe I would go to the electronic store and get an external. They are cheap. You don’t need anything fancy just one that is compatible with your cpu. ( if you have an apple then an external that says compatible with Apple CPUs). Unless you wipe things clean, and reinstall everything fresh from the disks, everything can be reached to anyone who knows what they are doing. Especially if he has shown you a stalker side to him. Better to be safe than sorry. This way you can have some peace to your soul, know you’re safe for sure, and you can mail it back to him, burn it or wack it with a hammer the next time you feel angry about the situation! 🙂
Good luck. Sleep well.
Thank you, bluelight!
I’m sorry your ex did that. My phone was compromised before. I’m now have a new phone and am on my 3rd phone number. I had 2 spaths back to back. #1 is still out there. #2 love bombed me and “protected” me, even though I told him repeatedly I didn’t want him to. So what did he do? Fixed all of my technology problems! Aka, tampered with every connection I had and them some, I’m sure.
Problem is my laptop doesn’t have a hard drive so I have to use an external. I need to try and transfer most of my files to a flashdrive before I take it in tomorrow and/or before it dies. Its a mess!
Is it a coincidence this is happening now? A little over a week ago I permanently went NC. Deleted email accounts. I’m already off social networking and am not reachable via phone. I told spath #2 I would not be in touch again. This was May 7th. I’m wondering if this is somehow connected.
With #1 I’ve come to believe there are no coincidences with him. Am I being paranoid??? I’m trying to settle my mind. Hopefully when I take my computer in it will be a stupid problem to be fixed that had nothing to do with him. The Apple support guy already said no doubt they will have to take my computer for a while to figure this out. UGH. So over this. I just want to be a girl who has normal computer problems, if at all.
Annette, bluelight and Jan,
First, I want to THANK YOU for your help last night. I was able to take a step back some, although my backup took more like 6 hours instead of 4 because my computer is such a mess. I also ended up putting my important docs and pictures on a flash drive.
I’m feeling more clear minded this morning, although I’m still sad and keep crying on and off. Apple sent me a review of my case and a few recommended articles. I have what’s called, kernel panic, aka “The blue screen of death.” Ha!
I read the articles and they state that it’s rare for it to be the actual operating system, although it can be a cause of faulty internal hardware. I think there’s evidence in this considering the apple guy had me do different resets that didn’t work. Who knows. Typically the cause is corrupt/buggy: hard drive/external hardrive,start up disk, software, and/or files. One of the articles said, no matter what, do not use your back up if the external hard drive may be encrypted. Annette, you were right.
The apple guy was so helpful. I can’t believe he stayed on the phone with me for 2 hours! And this was after I spent time talking to a different apple person for a while before him. He said he couldn’t rule out a hack/virus, although he looked closely at my files and didn’t see much (I think). He did have me go into strange places and delete a bunch of things to see if it would help. It’s didn’t.
So here I am, months ago, worried that #1 did something to my computer, and then #2 brings over an external hard drive (after I already told him I didn’t want to, then we back up, wipe it and re-install. For all I know something was corrupted before we backed up and then I reinstalled the corruption. Or, #2 screwed with my computer after the wipe. I remember at the time being super uncomfortable with him on my computer for so long but brushing it aside. I thought, “I can trust him right? After all he’s helping me and worried about my safety.” I trusted too soon.
I’m not ruling out that this is a faulty computer problem. We’ll see what apple says today when they take my computer. It just seems like all of this is pointing elsewhere. I’ve had running thoughts about this every day for months. I think I need to trust myself on this one. Guess it’s good it’s happening. It’s forcing me to start fresh. I’m going to thank God for this one..
Thistooshallpass and Annette,
Just saw the post about the computer.
I’m kinda blurry eyed and have to get out the laptop to read.
I saw something about hard drives and computer issues.
Strong