Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Today I vow to:
-Have faith in my healing
-To confide my abuse only in others who understand in order to avoid re-traumatizing myself.
XOXO
Stronginthecity
This is great, this is my affirmation for you and I today:)
Wait, I have something from this other site you referred us too.
Have a good day Strong.
Today I vow to not think negatively about myself and my challenging financial situation.
I vow to be observant of my self talk.
Remembertoforget,
Thank you!
Great vow!
May I borrow it???
This is where I am right now(financials not so good)and that’s just how it is right now.
I am fighting the self talk too.
I vow not to.
It will be ok!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Remember
I totally agree with you. I will not fear my financial situation and do the best I can. My ex took most of my material possessions away including the house but I am content with what I have. I used to live in a very nice house but at what cost ?
I noticed we can stop negative thoughts in our head by moving our thoughts and self talk to something positive. Now after 3 years I hardly ever think about my past anymore. I noticed that my focus has shifted towards me instead of him. My healing is much more important.
I
kaya48,
That’s awesome to hear there is light at the end of the tunnel, a pot of gold would be nice too!
Can you share any words or ideas how you were able to attain this.
I took Melanie Tonia Evan NPD quiz and scored a 139 which states the following
Copied and pasted from Melanie Tonia Evans
You suffer from emotional insecurities that are diminishing your ability to love yourself, others and enjoy life. There is a definite need for you to empower yourself and work on releasing your fears and insecurities. Although you are insecure and can project these insecurities onto others, you do have a conscience, possess compassion for humankind and do not purposefully set out to hurt other people for your own gain. You may be coÂcreating abusive situations.
I don’t know how to fix this.
Stronginthecity
I took one of those assessment tests also earlier after the discard. What has helped me was that I came to terms with the fact that this chapter of my life is OVER . Like the “book is closed “. I put this book on the shelf , never to be retrieved again , never to be read again, never to be opened again and I put up “blocks ” so that it cannot suddenly “fall of the shelf and land in my lap”. The blocks came in the form of no contact. No checking up on him or her on any social websites , deleting all my email accounts, changing phone numbers , deleting Facebook accounts and not accepting any mail from him other than my financial support which he was court ordered to send. I have my son open up the envelope so I would not see or read any notes, they can go straight in a folder for my lawyer.
I decided EVERY SINGLE DAY that’s it is OVER and it stuck and this was and will always be the truth. Truth or closing that I never got from him. It is my ending and closure on my terms and conditions which put me in control. I know he had all the control when he left and discarded me but the power and control and victory is MINE now. It’s over and it will always be over .
Believe me, at first I was tempted many times to break the no contact. For 20 years being married to him I thought he was my soulmate , my best friend, my husband who would care and love me till death do us apart. I wanted him to be all that which he was not. Instead he was a liar, a cheater and a pervert. I knew that breaking the no contact would make me feel worse, would have terrible consequences , would set me back, would inflict tears and pain again and would end worse than the discard. So I stuck to it. It saved my life, my heart and my mind. AND IN THE END THERE WILL NE NO MORE DARKNESS , TEARS AND PAIN. INSTEAD THE LIGHT WILL GIVE YOU PEACE AND SERENITY .
kaya48,
Beautifully stated.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Words of wisdom.
You are very strong and a great inspiration.
I have been no contact since June 2015 but had to face in court in September.
I have just recently gotten on board with the fact that it’s over, done.
I do/ did not want him back or still love him, it just too that long.
Thank you, thank you!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong
Congratulations on your no contact. Facing him in court was actually easier than I thought it would be. I turned off all emotions and I looked at it as a business deal gone wrong. And honestly I if not feel love for him. I never made eye contact with him and my lawyer did all the talking. I felt only indifference for my ex husband. I sign that it is truly over. No more caring for him, no empathy ,compassion , no nothing. I had face him in court about 4 or 5 times before we settled. That experience made me a much stronger woman. I used to be weak and fearful. I used to take every remark as criticism , I used to have trouble making decisions , I used to be timid and gullible. It is exactly what ex shaped me into. But now I am resilient again. Also , accepting that it is truly over will help with recovery. Thinking of the past, wishing things were different only prolongs out agony and it does not change the situation. The outcome is still the same. Looking back now I am grateful and blessed that I am not a crying mess every day of my life because of his abuse. While I never see the co worker and I being friends I am eternally grateful she crossed his path. She is the one who put the building stone in place for my new free life. And I thank her for that. She thinks she got some prize in her life, she gets to date “captain America “. If she would only know the truth. But that is for her to find out. Not my problem.
So happy for you that you are staying strong. If we show weakness to them we feed them their “ego kibbles “. Cut off their “food supply” and you will notice how pathetic and weak they are. When my attorney dealt with him, he was defeated and small. And that put a smile on my face. 🙂
kaya48,
Thank you and right back at you!
Cheers to you and movin on!
You are a true inspiration.
Prize…booby prize!
Ha,he does not sound like any type of prize.
Kudos, let’s start a movement and kick these ass clowns to the curb.
Hugs,
SITC
Thanks strong
I came a long way in those 3 years. I thought the world was crashing down on me when he left. I thought “how can I exist without him”? I thought I could not go on. Just the opposite happened. While I was in a”fog” for a few months my healing already started. I was free of him. Life with him was exhausting , tiring and full of drama and walking on eggshells 24/7. I forgot how a normal existence feels like. I forgot how not having to fear and worry. “Is he telling me the truth or do I have to play detective again ? ” it was not how a marriage was suppose to be. My only regret is not divorcing him sooner and being his puppet for 20 years. I can’t undo this but I know that his consequences will come. The scars he inflicted on his family have healed . To this day I feel like the winner. . I framed my divorce papers as a reminder what I accomplished. I defeated evil .
kaya48,
LOVE the statement that you wish you would have left him sooner!
I felt that coing as I read your post!!!!!
Peace and happiness to you and your family.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
HELP!!! I AM IN NEED OF SUPPORT.
Been no contact for months and months movin right along and got triggered big time by a stupid music video ; I know, I know kinda laughing between the tears.
—-wanting to call….
Please, please I know it will end up bad.
SITC
DO NOT DO IT, SITC!!! Be true to your name on here … “STRONG”. Remain strong! You’ve come SO far … do not go backgrounds. It’s … HE’S … not worth it … not worth your sanity. You’re better and stronger without him. Watch something … listen to something … to take your mind off of him. Hang in there!
Diane111,
Thank you for your support when you are going through so much right now.
I feel better now and the trigger happened so quickly and was so intense…yikes.
Can not thank you enoigh!
Stronginthecity
You are very welcome! I’m glad you reached out to LF for strength … that showed strength! We all so need each other 🙂
Strong,
Hey, you got this. You have came so far. You have read artillery you need to fight the temptation. You know what the outcome will be? With the Narc/Spath the endings are all the same. We each contact the ending is worst and sometimes deadly. Cancel those thoughts and think of how far you have come. It’s not worth it, there’s nothing there for you but hurt, pain, and will set you back in your healing. Thank you for reaching out. I so look up to you and have utilize the resources you have provided to us. So, I say with confidence you know the outcome. Love No longer waiting 🙂
When we end no contact. You have the artillery to beat this.
These phones or this site type what it wants.
still waiting to get my lifeback,
Thank you, thank you.
You guys have saved me over and over.
Complicated grief is well….complicated because the abuse is so complicated.
I love and trust my LF friends;am so grateful to have this support.
Hugs,
Stronginthecity
(SITC) I know you seen this. 🙂
You fell in love with an illusion. You fell hard and deep for something which never existed. The golden days that we created together were the twisted reflections of my manipulative hold over you. I know how anxious you were to try to recover the golden period. You poured your beautiful heart into securing the impossible. I know that my silences, my verbal violence, the cheating and the lies, my perfidious control of you was brutal, malicious and devastating. I understand that the whole avalanche of manipulative techniques I applied to you, in savage wave after insidious wave crushed your self-esteem, mauled your sanity and shattered your world. This brutality was nothing compared to the aftermath.
For now you have slipped away from my tight, choking grip. I know however that you sit looking from the window where you used to watch for me strolling up the driveway, a bouquet in my hands and the pain still wracks you as you remember how you fell in love with someone who was not real. Memory after memory stirs from within, an endless loop of ’best of’ moments that you want to stop remembering but you cannot. It hurts yet you still want to remember because even as the pain rises in your chest, you still feel the flicker of your love for me and you still cherish that. Like the drug addict, you know that line of cocaine is no good for you but still you need to snort it
still waiting,
Ugh, sad but true.
Yes I have seen this before; except now I understand it.
SITC
Sitc,
I will be forever in debt to you because of all the great resources you have provided and support. Absolutely, no contact for around 6 months from the first narc that lead me to LF. Also,the resources you provided help me to identify immediately that the new guy was a Narc although I didn’t heed the original advice once I was absolutely sure with no emotions attached it made easier to cut it off. Narc hated that because they like to be the one discarding. Thank you and God Bless you.
still waiting to get my life back,
Thank you for the lovely comment.
I am glad that we have each other for support and share resources.
I have a nice thought to share today that was passed on to me..
When going about your day and things are bugging you or feeling not so motivated to get our own things done say to yourself ” what would a person who loves themselves do?”.
I did this yesterday at work and it really helped to deal with those annoying people that in the past would get to me.
It leads to positive thinking and motivation!!!
XOXO,
SITC
Strong,
Right on time, needed the motivation this morning. Keep me in prayers i have a interview today. That last job suck as I knew it would due to lack of organization during the on-boarding process took 1 month they lost first application, scheduled 2 physicals and drug tests because they forgot they had me do them already. Red Flags.:)
still waiting,
GREAT WORK recognizing an potential horrible job situation!
Sounds like you pegged this one for sure!
Good luck with the interview, and remember you are interviewing THEM too!
Let us know how it goes.
XOXO
SITC
Diane111,
Hi there! So I jumped on it and gave sitc a ring.
We talked it out, this support thing is so great!!!
Thank you Donna again for all that you do and provide for us!!!
😀
Blessings to you Diane111.
Remember,
Thank you my friend!!!
You guys are the best.
Always been there when I need support, like the day I was driving alone to court that call was so much appreciated.
Feel so much better.
Thank you,
Stronginthecity
All of this brings tears to my eyes … seriously. Even though we have not met, I consider you dear friends. True friends. I’m so thankful for each of you … and for this site. In all honestly, this is where I find and keep my sanity. I don’t feel alone.
Diane111,
I second that emotion!
Don’t make me cry I just pit make up on!
Seriously though I feel the same way.
XOXO,
SITC
((HUGS)) SITC!! 🙂
Great, Remember! Thank you for being there for SITC and talking with her! You are so right … this support thing is wonderful!! Thank you Donna and Terry for this site! 🙂
Diane111,
Thank you!
I value the support of everyone here, this website has saved me and I have been no contact for 10 months!
The last time I saw him was in a courtroom in front of a judge obtaining the order of protection (2 years)
He stomped off like a spoiled child not getting his way.
This was the true self.
This was the person that everyone told me exsisted but I did not see it.
I was blinded by all the manipulation.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Today I vow to:
Take care of my health!
SITC
Strong
Like you I was blinded by his manipulation. Still after almost 3 years of no contact I can this more clear day by day. I was in such a foggy state of mind. At the end I honestly questioned my own sanity. I am not proud of the way I acted but he brought out the worst in me. He used fear to chip away at my personality , I thought I was never capable of living without him. But I was. And just like for you this site has given me a tremendous amount of support and strength. 3 years ago I thought I was at the end of my existing. The truth is 3 years ago I was set free and I was given a “new life”. Things will improve for all of us here. We just have to remain strong in the no contact , we will overcome obstacles thrown in our way and we will go on. Stronger than ever. Because evil can never win.
Hi kaya48,
I totally understand and have seen that fog…it is lifting more and more everyday.
I feel grateful today to be away from the spath but MORE IMPORTANTLY understand how I got to be there in the first place.
Learning and growing with the knowledge has helped not only maintain contact but to actually recover.
The moments of triggering are few and far between, and thanks to my friends here and offline (remembertoforget and slimone ) I have the support needed to be there for me in those fading moments.
THANK YOU!!!!
It’s amazing how much space you have in your head once the disordered one is gone.
A whole new wonderful life that is full of potential!
Yay!
kaya48 you are one impressive woman.
You have been through a living nightmare and survived and thrived- as you stated “evil can never win”
XOXO
Stronginthecity