Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Today I vow to:
1. Begin the digging out of the financial nightmare created during the destruction.
2. Create a gratitude journal and write in it daily.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong, Great vow, although the spath didn’t get any thing from me worth financial value. The emotional and mental affects were far more costly. Regaining my self esteem and worth cost me alot. The cognitive dissonance and unworthiness cost me several jobs. I am more confident and completing the final offer pages for a large fortune 5 corporation. Again, thanks for
all your support.
Stillwaiting
He didn’t get anything financially either it was my choice to change jobs with less hours because I needed some time to rest and recover.
I’m still resting and relaxing and the bills can wait a bit too.
I’m working on it.
It’s one thing he tried to take away my financial independence.
He was jealous of me.
Haha sucker I always bounce back and he will still be a bottom feeder.
Xoxox
Stronginthecity
Still waiting
How did the job interview go?
Sitc
And this video just came up talking on this subject!
I love this
you tube channel.
https://youtu.be/nwoohJyet14
Strong
StrongintheCity: I love what you said about all that extra space in our heads once the disordered ones are gone. So true. That felt like a vacuum for me. I didn’t know what to do with either my mind or my time, since they had been so taken up with chaos.
I love you vows….time to fill that space with self love and plans of rebuilding.
xo, Slim
Hi slim!
A vacuum is a great description for that feeling.
Been reading and learning as much as I possibly can with the free time….it’s a beautiful feeling to do whatever I want whenever I want.
Thanks for reading my vows to recovery…so happy to finally feel up to doing some things in the healing direction.
Little, tiny baby steps…I am ok with that.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
SITC and All,
Not to bum anyone out here on LF, but it took me years to fill this vacuum. I had been involved with one disordered person after another (and raised by a PD mother). So when I finally had my aha moment, and understood what I had before then NEVER known (that PD’d people exist) I simply did not know what to do with myself.
I went through the most in-depth personal inventory of my life. Maybe my ONLY true inventory. I found, with the exception of one long-term relationship, that I had been in and out of friendships and relationships with one personality disordered person after another.
Talk about depressing.
But….it got MUCH better once I faced the reality of them. It allowed me to figure ME out, once I wasn’t taking on all the THEIR stuff. Figuring me out helped me seriously thin out the users and abusers and surround myself with REAL people. Loving sorts.
I don’t think all of us need this amount of time. But I did. I had grown up with a narcissistic mom, and a psychopathic grandfather. So my issues with these sorts ran deep.
What I do know is that if I can heal and grow and create a wonderful life, everyone stands a pretty good chance of being able to do the same thing!
Fill that void with love, knowledge, support, integrity, and boundaries.
xo, Slim
Slim,
Once again I have to agree with you on the past and the inventory. I have a long line of relatives and friendship history with the disordered, and I guess it all started with my mom. Fast forward 40 years later to that final awakening with the last (DP).
It’s been a complete year, an anniversary of sorts and I am far more healthy, awake, content, and wiser. I still deal with these types, they come in form as bosses, landlords, and passers by nowadays, but I put my wall up and try not to engage in too much conversation. It works with the Ns because they are far too busy concentrating on themselves. The rest I really try and stay far far away.
Thanks all you guys.
Thank you for the support over this past year. What a ride. What a journey to the center of ourself.
Sorry,To the center of myself. Or to ourselves.
Remembertoforget,
Amen sister and congrats on the 1 year and going strong.
We are learning and growing together.
So much has happened and left some of us exhausted, but we will move on and be happy!
{Hugs}
Stronginthecity
Slimone,
Thank you for sharing with us, I am finding a pattern here for sure.
The more I learn about this subject which helps me understand the how and why is defiantly key in not only maintaining no contact but identifying other relationships that had led me here.
I am hearing from a lot of people in the community that our mothers were(are) disordered and that includes my mother.
I only discovered this within the hmmm last 10 months, and pretty much every relationship I have been in including my marriage were with the same people just in different bodies.
Depression…ditto.
Honestly thinking that if I did not stumble on this website by typing my feelings of frustration into a search engine I would still be doing the same thing.
It will take some time to come to terms once and for all the true reality, accept it and fully move on but am confident it will happen.
My vow today is to be grateful that this is being discussed and we are truly healing and growing.
I wish peace and love for all of us.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Thank you strong
Your kind words mean so much to me. I did survive this nightmare with my ex husband and indeed I came out a stronger person. And now I can think clearly again. Before my thoughts raced around him 24/7. I was always occupied with trying to please him, make him “happy “, keeping the day drama free, trying to meet his standards and expectations and in the end playing detective. I completely lost myself in this. I became a complete puppet. The person I am was gone.
And no contact was free, no costs, no legal consequences , so empowering and so effective. My silence was and is my power and control on my terms and conditions. I will never open this door one inch again because giving him one inch will allow him to inflict pain and misery on me once again .
Remember this too, successfully detaching will not eliminate their behavior,because their dysfunctional traits and characteristics are virtually cast in stone. This is why no contact must be accomplished as long as you live.
Wishing you the same strength and hope that got me through this every day and night. 🙂
kaya48,
Ah yes.
The detective.
I was on the force too.
Wow, I thought about that when I read your post.
Yikers, we will have no more of that.
Thank goodness I do not feel compelled to do that anymore.
It was truly so exhausting and so happy to be free of that.
Peace and calmness to you and your family.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
SITC and Becomingstrong,
Congratulations to both of you on staying no contact. Every minute I did, was a minute I was more and more content, stable, calm, clear, and hopeful. It just gets better the more we stay away, and keep ourselves steered in the direction of self-love.
If we have a strong history with these types finding our self love is most of the battle.
I am also grateful to be here, to be able to share, and to witness people’s awareness and growth.
Cheers!to us!
Slimone,
Thank you.
Everyday of no contact is better than the last!
I am really, really trying to take my focus off him and his nonsense so that I can move forward .
I found this article I would like to share about letting go of the leftover fear that was instilled.
Very good.
https://wakingyouup.wordpress.com/2012/03/17/stalkers-trolls-monsters-and-imaginary-friends/
Stronginthecity
There is nothing further from the truth, I have done it, been so proud of, started feeling good again, getting “me” back again… so many, many times… 🙁 As we all know, the sociopath can sense when we are moving on, and then sweeps in, just in time, with all that love and adoration, for you and you alone, only after, in between and during, multiple other women, of course. I have been dealing with an addict, sociopath narcissist who I have a 5 year old daughter, I parent alone with, and a lost (to adoption) daughter) for 7 years too long!!!! I cannot even begin… but I will get back here to tell my story that began August 1st 2009!I am here for anyone who needs a fill in, just so you don’t text, or respond or answer.. I am sensing contact soon from him.. It is a sickening, haunting feeling.
I am more than ready to let go of the past and “the story” in order to open up some much needed space for exciting and wonderful things in life.
Who is coming with???
Let’s all go!!!
Hugs to all.
We will be ok.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
My LF Friends,
It’s been a while since I posted. I need support. I have a situation at work that’s gone a little awry (or maybe a lot). I’ve had an employee the past couple of years that has been inappropriate toward me and other coworkers during his time with me.
So here I was, last year…Trying to keep my shit together, so you speak, because of spath stuff and stalking. The stalking is getting better but still not great. Anyway, I had several conversations with my employee about his behavior. It would get better then worse then better, so on. You know how it goes. But I’ve had bigger fish to fry! Until now….
I thought I’d been handling his harassment okay. Sure it bothered me, but I’ve been meeting with him, letting coworkers know. Of course he has been fine with every proactive measures I’ve had to take with him.
It was brought to my attention this past weekend that he posted a potential threatening video via social networking. It included verbal and physical violence regarding a boss with my name attached to it. I went to my higher-ups about it. I don’t feel safe. Now shit has hit the fan.
My higher-ups are upset I didn’t come to them sooner, although I have on several occasions expressed my concerns of disrespect and how he treats women. Now I find myself in the victim blanking sift first hand.
My bosses are giving me a hard time for not coming forward more last year. They’re giving me the cold shoulder. They say I didn’t report enough. But I did go to them! I didn’t document my conversations with them enough, although I have some documention. Lesson learned. In all honesty I’ve spent so much time documenting ex/stalker stuff I’m tired. Not like I can tell them that. But I have documented enough to count. Over 15 incidences….although in reality it’s been several dozens.
There’s an investigation now. I don’t feel I’m being supported because I think they’re worried they didn’t jump on it when I went for help. Now it’s on their heads they didn’t take action.
Coworkers are advising me to saftey plan. I’ve left a message for my domestic violence counselor that I haven’t seen for a while.
About him…I work closely with him and look at the totality of his behaviors. He never tells the truth, has no empathy, only jokes, after 2 yrs we no little about him – he’s very private, gives us examples of his manipulations, jokes when approached with serious issues, makes sexual comments and continues to do so after approached,jokes of violence, has no regard to rules, knows personal things about me I’ve never told him.
People say he’s clueless when he acts out. Those working closely with him knows he has intent. Always. He seeks reaction from me. I’ve kept it grey rock with him this year. Not last year because I didn’t know he was a creeper and didn’t pay attention to my bounderies. He knows about my stalking. I had to inform my close coworkers at the time my stalking was really bad.
In all honesty I have enough on him I’m almost sure he’ll be fired. But he’s already threatened me in his ways. The video and texts say it all. I’ve requested to no longer have contact with him, which is how the “hostile work environment” came about. I told my bosses I would not meet with him following his video threat because I didn’t the feel safe anf they told me I had to meet with him. I refused, told them I don’t feel safe and that my meetings with him seem to escalate him.
Now I’m being treated like crap at work. I’m being triggered. I’m stressed and tired. I’m probably taking reactions personally. But I know I’m doing the right thing. So many other women have complained.
I’m taking a stand and it’s hurting me. I know they can’t keep treating me like this legally but most important, I’m not feeling safe from him. I don’t feel this process is going fast enough, but in all realty this job is his life and I’m sacred.
Basically, this is really getting to me. Am I being paranoid because of my past experoences? I really don’t think so. I’ve spent 16 months on myself spath free (stalking aside). I’m in my clear mind now. I feel at risk.
This sucks.
KeepingOn,
What a nightmare.
Your safety is most important.
Where did he post the video?
What is HR’s plan?
They (HR) in my experience will do everything to make sure they are not to blame.
Is there a district HR person you can talk to?
Can you take some time off until this is straightened out?
The video posting is scary to me because if he has the balls to post that publicly there is no telling what he is capable of especially if he gets fired.
This is NOT your fault!!!
Please stay safe.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Hi Strong,
Thank you for your support. It is a nightmare. I feel I have to take a stand, although I’m concerned for my saftey. I was planning on letting the other stuff go because a formal plan was supposed to have already been put in place by ny bosses concerning his lack of accountability on the job and concerning behavior. I went to my bosses following the video and believed it would be enough considering he’d already broken the plan. Turns out it was never formally put in place like discussed. They dropped the ball for sure! Legally now my only choice is to move forward with a hostile work environment.
I meet with HR Monday and yes, it’s district. Out of my bosses hands. They’re worried and treating me poorly. I plan to highlight the totality of his behavior in hopes they get a clearer picture of why I’m so concerned for my safety.
The video was posted on fb. I recently got back on after a year and a half of being off. I made the choice to live for me and not my stalker. I don’t regret my decision. I avoided my coworker on fb for a while and despite my better judgement accepted him. I limit posting on fb and have not conversed with him. I’m actually glad we are “friends” on fb. I knew his behavior was escalating but had it not been for the video I don’t thing I would’ve been aware of how much he’s been escalating. It’s helpful to me on the long run.
I’ve been in touch with my counselor to saftey plan. Hopefully I won’t need it! Things may get much worse before they get better…
I’m glad you pointed out him having the balls to post publicly. I do find that concerning. What is he capable of if he’s fired? Even if he’s not, he’ll be injured that I’ve taken steps to protect myself and to get him gone.
KeepingOn,
How did your meeting with HR go today?
SITC
Strong,
Thanks for checking in. I feel like it went well yesterday. She was very nice. Her jaw dropped on a few occasions throughout the interview, so that’s given me hope. She’s interviewing 3-4 other women who he’s made uncomfortable. He’ll be interviewed this afternoon. There should be a resolution by tomorrow. I’ll keep you posted!
KeepingOn,
I am so glad that you have support at work and not having to face and deal with this alone.
Hopefully they (work ) will take care of this problem and let him go.
Please let us know hoe you are doing.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Friends,
I have hope that God is on my side and that all that this is for a reason. For the better. What I know of life is that trying times have made my life better. Me better.
An investigation on my case was done. The man who is harassing me and others is being allowed to stay and in close working proximity to me. Despite his threating actions. Although my bosses have concerns, I am being told that I am not providing a professional work environment and have “blurry bounderies.”
I have sought legal help within the company. I’ve now heard of 9 other past and present emoloyees and spoke to them personally at the end of the week. 7 have agreed to be interviwed. Oh, the relief and fear in some of their eyes when I went to each of them. Until they found out there are several of us. Now they are more than willing to talk.
I’m sad this is happening. I’m hurt. Who am I kidding? I’m devestated. Im scared. I’ve done so well this year. I’ve even been recognized on a national level. Yet he’s being protected and they’ve told me as much, regardless that his position is much lower than mine (something fishy is going on.) I’ve basically been told I can suck it up or they’ll support me if I decide to leave. My coworkers are furoius. I have never felt such an outpouring of love and supoort. I feel so blessed for that.
I keep asking, “Why me?” After all I’ve been through and am still going through.
Sucks it’s me who is doing the initiating, but I’m willing to take a stand for so many others. If there are 10 women coming forward, there are many more.
This needs to be put to a stop. I’m already so stressed as it is. And now my bosses who have been bullying me are going to be threatened legally. All of the women are being interviewed and my bosses aren’t aware yet. Media and court are being presented as resolution to get him out. I hope it doesn’t get that far.
Time to start job hunting!
Keeping On,
Hi hunny!!!
I’m so sorry to hear about this crap! I am convinced they are EVERYwHERE! It’s an epidemic!
Keep to the gray rock, keep taking any actions that you must. 15 incidences is alot!! Even 10 or a few. If other women have complained even better.
DonDon’t discuss him at work anymore just say that you are scared or worried. You never know who really is two-faced just to help themselves.
Get your documentation ready. If that video had your name attached that is a huge red flag!
Yes they are probably a bit worried that they brushed it off.
Get in touch with you counselor again.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.
More people seem effed up than not these days to me!
Xxoo
Thank you, Remember! HR is aware so it’s a big deal. Funny thing is my bosses told me he has to be away from me now but I’m in charge of his scheduling and have to put him on other places and am not allowed to tell him why. Is that my responsibility?! Serously so wrong. It felt so awkward today being I’m change of that!
Good lord…they are everywhere! I’ve been aware. This situation is just so beyond me. A coworer joked that if harm is done to me people will know to look at my past and present. So funny and horrible at the same time (and true), right? Good lord how do I keep ending up here? If only you new the personal growth I’ve done.:) Wait, that’s right…you do know. You’ve done it! And still…
I’m sorry about your N at work. I’ve been so good dealing with these people. Keeping things professional. But this. Holy crap. Whish I could send you the video and texts. His threats are bad. But when a dangerous person says they’re “joking”, all is good!
KO,
It really can get annoying having to keep our mouths shut and keep to ourselves.
At work my boss is an N. I’m ok because she doesn’t pick on me but it is annoying some days and she lies and is full of fantasies and embellishments. I feel insignificant around her so I avoid any personal convos.
This is how to survive these days.
It’s a jungle.
KO,
Yes this situation is extreme. They better get their act together…I don’t think they want law suits.
You scheduling him? Unbelievable.
I hope more people complain.
This is crazy!
Hang in there….tighter!!
Thanks! I think they’re treating me poorly right now because they’re scared.
I’m hanging in. As tight as can be! And thanking God. Thought I’d come so far with bounderies and self worth/love. Big picture, I’ve come so far! Now just this little last piece to deal with that I’ve somehow managed to put on hold/buried. Maybe not so little….
How’re you, spath free? I miss our banter!
@KeepingOn
‘Good lord how do I keep ending up here?’
Easy – the dark souls recognise us and even though we try and keep out of their way there comes a time when they attack. The cleaner we are in heart, mind and spirit the more hostile they are towards us.
Here’s a quote from M.Scott Peck:
‘Evil people hate the light because it reveals themselves to themselves. They hate goodness because it reveals their badness; they hate love because it reveals their laziness. They will destroy the light, the goodness, the love in order to avoid the pain of such self-awareness. My second conclusion, then, is that evil is laziness carried to its ultimate, extraordinary extreme.
As the integrity of their sick self is threatened by the spiritual health of those around them, they will seek by all manner of means to crush and demolish the spiritual health that may exist near them.
Evil is that force, residing inside or outside of human beings, that seeks to kill life or liveliness.’
Definitely document everything. It’s a real pain in the neck but it HAS to become habit. A daily task. It reinforces our belief that we’re not nuts and the little insane details of their manipulations would otherwise be forgotten quickly.
Really, really difficult to know what to do with these characters. I’ve come out of the fog and no longer have obsessive thoughts but still have contact with my workplace P. I’m able to avoid him and so am ‘taking time out’. I’m thinking that one day something in me will change that allows me to cope. For me it’s the endless stress of waiting for the next hoovering attempt, the stress of avoiding the Flying Monkey, the stress of not getting on other people’s nerves (my avoiding him causes THEM problems), the isolation of not being able to talk about it and the isolation of watching who I associate with and what I say (because anything and everything can be used against me).
So I need an attitude in me. Haven’t got it yet. I keep thinking about it all the time, wondering what angle would work and what behaviour linked with that attitude would work.
NoLongerShocked,
Thank you for the qoute. It resonated with me and is so true! I’ve attracted dark people my whole life. It’s still something I have a hard time wrapping my head around, especially when I’m in the thick of it. I belive my growing bounderies help me tremendously, however it also seems to attrack those who want a challenge. I’ve had a boss P this year, by keeping things professional and keeping my emotions to myself have helped. It’s hard with this man because I work so closely with him. He knows too much. Wondering what stops he will pull out but have faith that my truth will shine in the end. I may have a long road a head. Hopefully that isn’t the case.
I’m sorry about your isolation at work. I’m blessed to be surrounded by a handful of supportive and authentic coworkers/friends so that helps. I’m very careful who I share myself with. I have to draw strong bounderies and isolate myself in other areas in life. I can’t imagine how stressful it feels to keep that constant distance at work.
I understand about needing an attitude. I’ve started standing up for myself. It helps, but again it also brings challenges.
Thank you for your support. I’m spending time this weekend to document more as I’m speaking with HR Monday. My anxiety/fear is high and this has been so hard on me. I’m trying to stay positive. One thing I’ve learned in life and remind myself of, situations like these always lead to bettering my life, even when it doesn’t seem that way at the time. I’m proud of myself for taking a stand. I’m tired of accepting abuse and will take no more.
Thanks for your support and hang in there at work. You have a good perspective, you’re self aware and it sounds like you’re doing what you need to do to protect yourself right now.