Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Strong,
Haha! I was actually talking about The Other Woman in my last post. I got mixed up. Both movies are great!
I watch Dateline too. Great, more proof of bad people. I see it all so differently now.
Funny, I love spending Friday nights alone. It’s the introvert in me. Work takes so much of my energy I need to recharge. I was always punished in one way or another in having Friday nights to myself. Both my spaths did that. #1 was constant contact on Fridays. #2 always came up with new and exciting plans to throw in my face. I know now he was lies lies lies. For all I know, he was on dates! At least I figure he was. And if I actually made plans on my own for a Friday night, which is so rare, watch out!!!
Thistooshallpass,
That Dateline last night was frightening,almost like being with my spath wasn’t so bad…JK. It was.
As for your # 2, and his exciting plans, I’m sure that was a bunch of BS to make you jealous.
Now that I have exposed my spath, he is leaving me alone! Thank goodness.
I slept like a baby and woke up at my normal work time, fed the cats and went back to wonderful sleep!
The Other Woman, such a funny movie…brains, money and boobs! Hilarious. The end was the BEST and for those who have not seen it I won’t be a spoiler.
It’s a beautiful day and I have a million things to do …I will get them done on my own terms and time. Mr. Notwonderful just loved to wake me up early and want to do this and that(he was a bum and napped everyday) and make me feel guilty because I wanted to sleep in on Saturday..guess what ahole. I work, and own my house. I have money to hire people to cut the grass and other chores around here.
Sorry, ranting…
I’m going to sit here nude on my bed and surf the web for awhile then take a shower and go grocery shopping BY MYSELF!
YEAH!
Stroninthecity
Kitty,
You are not a fool.
You are a victim.
Please be careful driving!
Strong
Agreed! I’m proud of you. The very least is she could add perspective of what she saw then. It may help.
We had an appointment for one many moons ago but he made me cancel it at last minute. I could only wish it wasn’t so I could have seen what was going on. This may be a good opportunity. Be careful driving. Sending positive thoughts your way.
Good morning all,
I had to medicate myself again last night because I forgot to put the block on the disordered individuals text messages and received a special one from him yesterday in the afternoon.
It goes something like this.
I hate you put that craps on Facebook (apparently someone made a Facebook page for him listing all of his great qualities. .allegations I never saw it ).
The section went on to say that me misses me and his family would be upset if they knew he was talking to me.
I never responded.
Ok let’s start with you telling my daughter how much you love me and I’m going to take care of you. Bullshit
How about the child pornography I found on your phone. I guess your family’s ok with that.
What happened with rent my home and move to Florida with him.
He’s going down there to find a place. .you fly down and drive back with me.
Guess he forget he said that.
That’s good he sent that message.
His family obviously is in denial or that text was a bunch of bullshit too to see if I would respond.
No. I didn’t.
Blocked
This man is beyond delusions.
I’m just going to lie low.
Of course he never asks about my daughter and dying ex husband.
Piece of shit.
No wonder ny mom didn’t let me and my sister’s go past 1 block from our home.
She probably saw the hillbillies in the grocery store with sociopath mother and her 7 boys.
Yikes. Happy Sunday!
Stronginthecity
Sorry you saw that. The usual BS word salad evil, that is designed especially to make you feel so bad you need to medicate. That is exactly what they want. If they wanted to make others feel better, contribute to our well being, and be decent honest caring hard working people, they would be. There is nothing stopping them.
The good that can come of you seeing his BS is that it’s confirmation that you are doing the right thing for yourself in not ever having any interaction with him ever again, and the less you have to think about with respect to him, the better for you.
AnnettePK,
Thank you.
Nobody else understands and I don’t think I would have been able to get to this point without my Love fraud sister’s.
I get the best advice and support.
Thanks again
Strong
The Facebook page allegations were under the where he went to college was Clown College and his favorite books were Dr Seuss books.
Like I said hearsay.
Still funny.
Strong
My son said this vid is a good description of my ex Psychopath. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyMXYE_50Ts
Speaking of humor, that is.
AnnettePK,
True evil never stops.
The people who he has wrapped up in the pure evilness are numerous.
I get a sick feeling about the relationship between him and granddaughter who is about 11.Not blood related and omg can’t go there in my head.
I’m sure he thinks I’m a weak minded puppet and can do whatever he wants. .
anyone not me.
Stronginthecity
Strong,
I’m sorry you went through that last night. Yay for not responding to him and blocking him! I hate their word salad and double meanings. I was always amazed that my ex’s could manage that in one sentence alone. It made NC much more difficult for me.
As for the FB thing, amazing what they will do to draw us in!
It’s so funny how your ex is similar to my #1. You didn’t talk to yours growing up in the same neighborhood. I went to high school with mine and didn’t talk to him because I thought he was a creepy loser. And they share stalking techniques. Lucky us!! I hope mine gets hit by a car (not by my hands) or goes to jail so I don’t have to worry about his stalking anymore.
AnnettePK,
That video is HILARIOUS. I am laughing so hard I am crying!
OMG you ladies make my day.
Stronginthecity
Hello Wonderful People….
My gig went wonderfully last night. I can hardly believe it.
I sang with the best jazz pianist who I have ever heard!
Do you realize… that if my spath were still in my life…
last night would not have happened.
even tho the musician is like 65 and in no way would we break professionalism…
the spath would have told me he would abandon me.. b/c I was probably fucking the old guy.
said that of anyone with a penis.
old. young. work related. my own docs. my bosses!!!
He told me to hang in there… that he would learn to trust me..
bullshit.
I am free!
saw my psychologist yesterday. cried my eyes out…and she was wonderful. she said he was pretty damned smart… manipulationwise… and that he even used brainwashing techniques on me (Making me repeat things back to him….”YES… this is OUR apartment, no MY apartment.”
EVENT tho he was not on lease… it was my place and he didn’t pay a cent.
she asked me what good have a learned from this experience….. and there are many…
numero uno?
GO WITH YOUR GUT.
do not believe peoples’ words… but actions
someone must earn your trust.
when someone shows you who they are… BELIEVE THEM…
do not allow them to make excuses for their pathological/deceitful or promiscuous behavior (He cheated on me b/c he loved me so much and he was afraid of losing me… and had to numb the pain. )
NEVER TELL PEOPLE about your past traumas or victimizations the first month of dating.
do not have sex in first month… no matter how attractive someone is… or how lonely you are and want to feel connected to another person.
do not think that b/c of a person’s line of work… they are a good person.
OH SOOOOOO MANY……
okay… to catch up on work…. please pray I do not get fired.
thank you all for being here.
Kittylover
if someone breaks your boundaries and when you tell them so… and draw a clear healthy line.. (Hello…. it is our third date.. I am not comfortable with you going thru my cellphone…) and they say NO….MOVE ON.
IF SOMEONE accuses you of crazy things that are in no way apart of your character… cheating, lying, RUN. THEY ARE sick. Most likely projecting. do not believe the … My last girlfriend or my wife cheated on me and I am traumatized crap.
a person goes thru your emails and face book when alone with your computer… gets your passwords, etc. second week dating or ever?
RUN.
Oh, but he wanted to be sure I was not a pathological liar or a prostitute like his last girlfriend. what a lie….
hates his mother? run.
love you all…
kITTY
Kitty,
AMEN!!! I will always stay true to my boundaries now and listen to my gut. ALWAYS! There were so many red flags, much like yours. I still question myself, what was I thinking to let my boundaries be crossed and so early in the relationship???
Thistooshallpass,
I can really relate with you on the boundary issue.
Setting boundaries and letting him cross them.
He was really good at pretending to listen to me and then it was like I never said anything.
Never again.
Stronginthecity.
PS,
I’m sorry I didn’t see your posts in the afternoon about your computer issues.
I would have reacted the same way if my spath was computer savvy.
After I got that text from him I had to get out of the house for a bit.
Strong,
I’m glad you got out of the house and to separate yourself from his madness? How are you feeling now?
I took my computer into apple and they said it IS most likely a hardware issue, although uncommon. I feel kind of silly about it all now. My computer will be gone for 3-5 days. We’ll see what they. It’s only a little over a year old!
It’s crazy how these people can get to our heads. If I was living a typical life, spath free, this just would’ve been a computer problem I have to deal with. Instead, BAM, hello triggered PTSD. I feel like my energy has been wasted this weekend…
Kittylover,
Hug to you!!!! Do you realize how far you have come in such a short time??
I am so glad that you are feeling better and had a nice productive evening at work!
It sounds like your therapist is amazing and I know you didnt want to go but you did.
You have done so much for yourself.
Finding this website, Donna and all of the amazing people who have bravely shared their stories about these evil people who we did not even know existed.
Personally I am still struggling with what the hell he wanted from me but at this point it does not matter.
You found the website, went to court, made your appointments with your doctors, went to them and have learned some really helpful life lessons.
You are free! Will you have your days? of coarse you will.
You sound like a beautiful talented loving woman and learned to set boundaries.
Cheers to you!
You will not get fired, just focus when you are there and try not to talk to people at work about this as this will drag you down and you have us.
We understand. Most people do not.
Thank God that he is gone. Yes he stayed rent free while you took care of him but look at this.
You do not have children with him or own property together.
This is a big advantage already.
You take care of you now.
Exude that confidence you had last night and all the rest will follow.
I promise. It will happen.
You will meet many men and have YOUR pick of them.
Only the best for Megan because she is a beautiful person.
Don’t get stuck in this and waste all of those precious years that you can’t get back like I have.
Under NO circumstances take him back.
He is not even deserving of your time for a lunch meeting or even a cup of coffee.
Nothing. It sounds like you have done really well with no contact.
Keep it up.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
You go girl!
Those are some amazing words to live by.
Thanks for sharing what your therapist helped you understand.
I will use them in my dating endeavors.
Yes, I am ready to start again.
Wish me luck. Boundaries!
I will always listen to my gut aka womens intuition.
It’s always right, my expath kept telling me it was broken.
NO ITS NOT!!!
Strong
I just finished watching all of Donna’s You Tube videos(trying to ignore all the comments).
I have watched them before but feel like I needed a dose of reality.
If anyone here has not watched them I encourage you to do so, especially if you are having a bad day and still struggling with no contact.
I still can’t believe how I was sucked into all of the drama and crazy making stories and lies and even though I never actually caught him, I am sure he cheated on me with multiple women.
He is very charming and funny.
Donna, on point with the video that explains how they find out what you are looking for.
They ask and you tell.
Never again.
Stronginthecity
Never again for me either Strong. xoxoxox
something is really bothering and can I please have some advice and support.
He was estranged from his elderly mom… until he needed money two years ago… he would not even allow her into this three childrens’ lives…. convincing his exwife that the mom was crazy and had abused and beet him. HOW FUNNY… THAT IS WHAT IS EVENTUALLY SAID OF ME. OMG. Just realized that in typing this….
she was hurting b/c he had ignore her for 20 years!
so when he went back… started bringing the kidd.. she is single… and she ended up giving him over 5,000 bucks which he promised to pay back…(He had two good jobs at the time!) but he never did.
two weeks before I kicked him out. she called me. we have talked a lot since oct. when he broke his leg… went into surgery and I called to inform her and she came to hospital. she was lovely.
long story short.
2 weeks before I kicked him out for good… (she had been there for me the other times he would wig out and leave me… pack up and go.. she would try to help me be strong… b/c she said… HE WILL BE BACK. HE WILL MANIPULATE YOU AN IT WILL BE THE WORST MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE.
she called two weeks before the kick out… begging and even crying for her son to give her the code to open her last cell phone.
he had put her on his plan… bastard…
he would not pay his bill… which was 600 bucks at one point..
tell his poor mom.. “I don’t have the money… they are going to turn all our phones off…” and she would jump in… log on and pay for it.
she was strong this past Dec. when she saw what he did to me… and would not pay his bill.
he cut her off. never talked to her again… not on xmas not thanksgiving. nothing. she lives 15 mins from me.
She called me in April… crying for the code… b/c she had forgotten it… but he had put it in… and now she could not use it.
I begged… prodded…. told him to forgive her… step up… be a better person… and give this woman the code. He is a firefighter… he helps strangers fix much larger issues than that.
he refused. no emotion and began yelling at me. I told him I was interested in a man with integrity…..
he used what my therapist told me yesterday was controlling me thru my personal fears..
he said, “Okay.. Ill go.” He started packing!!!
since I have more healing to do from my adoption etc…. I started to cry and panic and APOLOGIZE. what the hell was I apologizing for???????
He stayed.
found out two weeks later he was already involved with another woman emotionally somehow anyway.
anyway… that night.. this crying older woman said to me..
“Are you paying his bills? I bet he does not give you money for rent. I have a book right here that I want you to read.. “The Sociopath Next Door”… My son is a sociopath. He left his wife of 22 years and his children. he was an adulterer (he told me he never cheated on his wife.).. he has abandoned he wife,,, his mother…. and HE WILL ABANDON YOU. ”
She told me I did not deserve that. I had played piano at her father’s nursing home for free once.
So I called her when I kicked him out… b/c he always runs to her… gets shelter… food.. money and lies to her.
She said she promised she would never do that. That she knows what he is and as far as she is concerned, “I do not have a son.”
a week later she called me….
she said that he left a long voice message crying about how he is so sorry and loves her, blah blah blah. she said she did not fall for it.
each time he would call. she would hang up phone before he could speak.
I HAVE NOT HEARD FROM HER IN A WEEK.
she has not responded to my emails. texts.. calls.
and now I cant contact her b/c of RO… even tho she said they were estranged and she would be on my side if ever asked.
I am sick in my stomach that he worked on her. he’s got her. he is lying about me… probably told her of me and I horrible RO and how it might effect his job…., his kids, etc.
what do I do?
everything he says is a lie.
I hate to think she may have given in. she was so strong and swore to me she would not. but she would text me loving words each day.
have not heard from her in a week.
any suggestions? she will be lied to and robbed blind.
and his 91 year old grandfather who has no mind left but lots of money!!!
why should someone be allowed to do this?
Please tell me how to handle this. Blunt honesty appreciated.
can you only imagine the lies hes said to her about me? OH MY GOD.
Kitty,
This is a horrible situation. Good news, his mother sounds aware. She clearly loves her son but don’t assume she will fall into his traps that easily. If she does fall into his hold again, she may find her way out quickly.
It is so kind for you to be concerned. Bottom line, you need to care for YOU right now. Your heart goes out to his mother and you are understandably worried.
I’m not sure there’s much you can do right now, with the RO in place. Send her good vibes and prayers. Take care of you and focus on you over priority of everyone/everything else right now.
You care for his mother, but in doing so you are keeping ties. I’ve personally found any connection is unsafe. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Xxxxxx
Thank you.
Kitty,
You have come too far to worry about his crazy family.
Just for tonight let it go and focus on you.
Please.
You asked for honesty and that is it.
Mom knows about her disordered son.
Let her and his family deal with him.
He is not a nice person and you are!
Your LF friend,
Stronginthecity
Thank u strong…
you are right. But why should vulnerable people continue to be victimized by these monsters ,kool stop at anything to get money or sex? Or roof on their head
Thistooshallpass,
I am feeling crappy too.
This PTSD is getting to me too.
I am glad to go to work tomorrow and not think about it.
It’s just too much.
Have to wake up early and hoping I can sleep tonight without nightmares.
I need to stop watching Dateline, blue tarps, shovels..husbands killing wives too much.
Thank you fot checking on me because nobody else does.
Notsostrong
Strong,
I’m sorry your PTSD is getting to you too. I feel like it would be easier without the whole stalking issue. It increases the stress ten fold. I’m glad we have each other on here. All of us on LF share similarities because of our spaths. The stalking, and too such lengths, it’s a whole different story.
I need to read your story again. I re-read the other day and saw the house intrusion you’d mentioned before. How did you and your ex meet? Not to bring you into my paranoid world, but is there a chance he had his eye on you long before you were together? Just makes me think of my story and how these men were around before we connected.
Funny how we look forward to going to work. I do too! I’m a little worried about this summer. I’m a teacher. I’m going to have plenty of time on my hands! I’m planning to do a lot of self care. Hoping for the best! To be honest, I’m a little nervous. Spath #1 and my break up anniversary is in a couple of weeks. He constantly said the day his son graduated high school he wanted to get married. That’s next week. #2 pursued me shortly after, so there’s that anniversary.
I am looking forward to me time. I’m a little on edge, too. This is going to be my break it or make it summer. I already have a plan with my counselor. Things amp up, it may be time to move far far away. 🙁
I’m hoping for the best. I love the place I’m in, my job, my family and friends…
Btw, agreed on the dateline! Why do we do this to ourselves? It’s funny that I can now watch and relate. I like to see if I can recognize things in people they show…good or bad? I am usually right in the traits I see/can point out. Thanks for that a’hole ex’s!! 🙂
Lf…
I know Strong is right in her last post to me… but I am almost positive he returned to his mom… who he has emotionally abused for years… for money and shelter.
I need to let go. not think about it..
but I KNOW HOW EVIL HE IS…….
I am in so much pain tonight.
comes and goes, huh?
I guess sunday nights extra hard b/c he was living with (off) me for almost a year…. so usually we would have had his kids to my place or something tonite.. if he even followed thru with seeing them… and I would have him here to love and hold me all night long. how much he loves me. forever. warmth. safey. huge promises.
poof… gone.
what he did to me should be illegal.
love you all.
a friend just asked me how I could fall for such a conartist at the age of 45?
Like I am the idiot.
oh my god.