Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
why am withdrawing and missing and detoxing from him so much this evening?
thank god I have found this psychologist.
thank god for this group.
this must be what drug addicts go thru.
Missing something that was killing me on all levels?
thinking it is still the most pleasurable experience in the world…
when I was in treatment for anorexia and ptsd… there was an aweseome 12 step group called SLAA….
sex and love addicts anonymous.
I went to women only groups of course… but it was soooo helpful.
I moved to south fla… for first time… alone and traumatized rom something else… and searched and searched for SLAA meetings….. none here. well… found two… but each time I went no one was there.
so basically…. I relapsed… and my spath was my drug of choice.
this is more about me than him.
yes…. he is a master manipulator, has no conscience… abuses women …
but… even when I saw little red flags… I did not want to see him… b/c my drug of choice made me feel sooooo good. Took my pain away.
I was 100 percent addicted to him.
I admit it…. and he knew what he was doing …. trust me.. we talked about it.
but still…. I chose awesome sex, love, chemistry over my own physical, mental and financial well being.
he was making me sick… and I did not even know he was a spath yet. but my money.. the accusations… monitoring me…. always paranoid I was cheating ….. I got sicker and sicker.
there is also a spiritual element… spiritual war fare..
but we all believe different things… so I will not offend anyone.
but if any of you believe in good and evil… there was a huge battle going on over here.
hugs…
kittylover,
I know how hard it is to get over a Spath… I am going on 9 months since I left mine for good this time!! I still crave him and miss him..It is an addiction the way they can make you feel, while all the time they are lying, cheating, stealing your money, abusing us and so on… mine was also drugging me with Ruffies and sodomizing me and filming it and putting it on the web for the whole world to see, he was also poisoning me with radiator fluid and trying to get me to commit suicide.. It was not until I was ready to do it that I finally got up the courage to leave him, even though he always told me he would kill me if I ever tried to leave him, but he didn’t he let me leave because I was all used up, no money left my business ruined, my life saving got, my home, my rentals everything I worked my whole life for…Please do what ever you have to, to get this man out of your life… you are right they are pure evil and they want to destroy us.. protect your self.. I have been going to church, seeing a therapist and seeing a holistic health care practitioner who is doing “BARS” therapy on me to get rid of the cravings for him and re set my brain so I can forget about him and move on with my life and get my health back after all of the drugs he used on me. I know you can do it!! PRAY!! be stronger than him, I wish you the best..
Soundra
I’m having a real bad day. All day I’ve been in tears feeling “why didn’t he love me, why would he do this?” I know it’s stupid and I know it’s their “nature”, but I am still having a very bad time. The rain isn’t helping. I know he treated me horribly. I can see that but I can’t help shake the feeling he’ll return. That was his pattern he didn’t get what he wanted or got mad silent treatment. What I don’t understand is why would he demand to be my medical assignor proxy? Why would he demand all of the doctors to include him. Refuse to go meet them or visit but demand everything just to get up abandon me and have me almost die? What also troubles me is he knew if he wanted me gone say the word is be hurt but I wouldn’t fight it. I would respect him. This time I haven’t chased. At all. I have asked for my belongings back. He has everything the doctors sent him. Clothes prescription glasses framed photos my cell, computer stuff even remains of my pet who died when I wasn’t conscious and yet he holds on to it like its his. Why? Is it part of his game to torment me? Rip me to shreds? He used to hate it when his friends would get into an arguement with him and keep his things. And here we are.
I would think when you end a relationship you do it respectfully. I understand he won’t because of being a sociopath but keeping my glasses and remains is over board. I don’t have energy to chase or fight. Today it’s just breaking my heart. All of it. How I loved him trusted him litterally with my life and I don’t have my pet. I don’t even have the ashes or collar he has them all because the doctors and I trusted him.
I loved that animal longer than I knew him. That was my baby. My comfort. Sigh.
I understand now he hated the fact that I was sick. He hated the thought of aging always told me he never wanted to get old and it was discusting. I always thought it was just an immature comment and he’d learn about stages of life but I look back on it. He panicked when he didn’t get his way. When I was in and out of the hospital. He liked that I dependant on him for once but my gut said not to. So as much as I wanted to I only asked on rare occasions for help. He would always say he would be there and of course he wouldn’t. Days later he would come out from hidding sometimes apologize or sometimes grunt unpleasant throngs making it my fault. When someone is sick I grew up thinking you help. You don’t hurt them more. You help. Just trying to make sense of all of this. I just want the remains. The rest is expensive and I can’t afford to replace but really all of this is breaking my heart. I think I’m past of the shock and now just in the disbelief devastated. It’s pouring. It’s match in my insides.
bluelight,
I am so sorry you’re going through this! That he’s taken so much of you away. That he didn’t love you in the ways you deserve, especially when you have been sick. That he’s keeping hold of your belongings….it’s making thing so much harder for you! Keeping the remains of your pet. That makes me sick.
From my understanding, abusive people destroy/keep our belongings to maintain control and contact. I can only somewhat relate. My ex kept/destroyed mementos (mostly pictures) of an important time in my life. He later used that as an excuse to contact me, asking if I wanted them back. I responded to him, only for him to say he didn’t have them anymore.
The prices we pay for them — ourselves, well being, priceless items…..you may chose to fight for your stuff back through the courts. Or you may accept the loss of your pet’s remains and items like they were lost in a fire. Either way, the pain is undeserved and horrible. How you decide to fight what you lost, that’s up to you.
My heart goes out to you.
First off thank you for those of you who have replied. I apologize for being slow to respond. Things on my side have not been easy. I am so thankful for finding this site, it’s been a lifeline.
I want to say thank you. It has helped a lot and has put into perspective. I keep getting caught into thinking he is a “normal” human and by that functions normally. I am still sickened and in disbelief what has happened. He has taken a lot and to keep my belongings has been hard. ( I am typing on a friend’s borrowed tablet to keep up with emails and keep connection to the outside world). He has the rest. What bothers me is when your relationship is done give people their stuff back. It’s simple. If you’re sleeping with someone else stop torturizing the other person. It looks like I will have to go through the police and or lawyer system. He knows that my pet was my family so in essence as sick as it may be he knows I can’t let that go. It just really really hurts. A man that I’ve loved for one third of my life would turn around in 24 hrs leave me to die and steal.
But like it stated here I agree it has to be about power and control.
He hated it when the doctors wouldn’t tell him anything. That’s why I think he wanted to be on the medical side. It allowed him to be involved and in control. I spoke to the doctors yesterday and he actually told them they have to stop and be quiet and listen to him that he was their boss and he paid their salary. Which blew my mind. He didn’t pay a cent. My insurance did. To even think someone would be that disrespectful to the people who saved my life appalled me. But with everything im reading it fits. It all fits. He is a Narcissitic individual. He did come from a family much like what kitty describes of hers. The only difference was his mother babied him and the father set rules down. When they had a problem with him he would live with me and vice versa.
Medically I am not worried about his control over me anymore. There’s nothing he has there. I did listen to the messages on my cell line and one was a lengthy one telling me how he supported me and loved me and would be there for me after any medical aid needed. ( a few hours before I needed the surgery), and then two others. Two strange ones. One all panicked me needing to call him at that moment and the doctors were giving him a hard time. The last one asking me to tell him if I was alright even though I probably don’t want anything to do with him. He sounded chipper. Like he was smiling while talking. It creeped me out. Both while I was unconscious and the doctors were waiting for him to arrive to sign forms. Needless to say the last two sounded like he thought I found something out. Like he was guilty and he was trying to cover. I don’t know. I’ll never know.
But what I do know is that you guys are right. I also think he did want either something to happen or for me to break down. He hated how the doctors viewed me as a good person. Since being diagnosed I’ve done a lot of charity for the community and raised awareness and funds for different cancers. I’ve also volunteered to the children while I was feeling better and was out of treatment. It’s a different world when you hear those words and I felt that I needed to give back to the people I met. In any way possible. He absoluted hated that and he didn’t hide it. I also found out he consistently would tell the doctors that I wasn’t as nice as they thought and often would hold up the mirror and that made me awful. The doctors apparently tried to reassure him how healthy relationships are supposed to work but got wind by his reactions that he had some issues. Again they assured me of his pathology. They also referred me to a group of domestic abused women. I’ll be going to that next week.
Till then I just wanted to say thank you for your help. In still trying to figure things out and weigh out my options about how to get my things back. I feel like a puppet on strings. I see how by giving my things back, he has admitted that is over and can never resurface again and he can always sell most. Since its been tight for me for the last year I am also not surprised at him leaving. No money for him and I was too sick to have sex with him and he actually had to make things happy and healthy.
I also read about someone having children with one. I almost had a child but lost it. I read your post and my heart goes out to you. I can only imagine if that child was born the hassle the nightmare they would cause for the children and the non spath.
I think I’ll go listen to the radio show now. I hope the link still works.
Kitty-
If you haven’t heard from the mother then it’s for sure that he has gone to her. Please be safe and do not reach out to her. Take care of yourself. You deserve nothing less than that. You can do it!
Hugs to everyone.
Have a good evening.
BLUELIGHT…
thank you soooo much for writing that… I am so tempted.. but I cant….
here is the issue and my rage and sadness you guys….
APRIL 1ST HIS MOTHER CALLED ME.
she told me… exact words:
My son is a narcissist. A sociopath. I have books you can read on it.
He did not talk to his own mother for 20 years and I never did anything bad to him.
He came and was nice to me after his divorced and got 5,000 dollars out of me and money out of his poor grandfather.
we have not received a penny back and now he is living with you for room and board.
Oh yes… I think he “loves” you… but only what love means to a sociopath.
she yelled….
he left his wife and kids. he abandoned his mother. he was an adulterer… he has abanbandoned women after you and he WILL LEAVE YOU.
She told me just ten days ago.. he had left a message and she was strong and would not fall for it.
I cried….
I even asked her out for Mother’s day… but her father got ill.
she said… do not worry… as far as I am concerned…. I do not have a son.
LF fam…
he told me in oct. when his mom ws n the hosp. that he did not care if she died. I cried and begged and begged for him to go see her. to forgive her…. 9HE WAS MAKING HER PAY FOR NOT PAYING HIS 600 PHONE BILL IN SEPT. AND….
I KNOW FOR A FACT…. and this is what his evil evil evil does…
he was keeping her aching and wounded. Not even a call on Christmas or turkey day.
He was making her more injured… so her 80 year old broken heart… would give in to him the next time he needed supply!
you are right…an I am sure… he got to her.
she promised she would not fall for any of his lies
I even emailed her texts of his telling me what a piece of trash his mom is.
so.. he has intervened. maybe they are baiting me to call her… b/c I put an RO on him… and that would violate it.
HOW CAN THE SAME WOMAN WHO BEGGGEED ME TO LEAVE HIM. fall for his lies?
How??????
Can you even imagine and I can… the lies he has told her about me.
hes prob lied and told her I would not him see her… an it was the opposite. I have it in messenger chats.
he prob told her… omg… megan has an RO on me… I could lose my job Mommy!
Good mommy… let the big guy lose his job….
he laughed when I told him your heart was enlarged.
He could only be lying BEYOND BELIEf.
b/c she trusted me. and cared. and cried with me.
WHY SHOULD I CRIMINAL LIKE HIM GET AWAY WITH THIS….
GO RUN TO MOMMY WHO HE ABUSED. SHE was kept away from her own grandkids for 20 years FOR PURE TORTURE…..
WHY SHOULD HE BE ALLOWED TO NOW GO LIVE OFF OF ANOTHER PERSON??????
why? why? why?
It is making me sick.
I want her to see and know the truth.
I told her the truth. she believed me. she prayed with me and heard me cry.
HOW COULD SHE FALL FOR IT???? My God.. it should be illegal to lie to people like this?
shoud I call Elder Abuse and they can check it out?
but… I think id have to give my name. and it’s hot abuse.. if she is allowing it.
emotional yes.
she was close to me.
shed call to see how I was and beg beg beg me not to take him back b/c he was MANIPULATIVE and a piece of shit as she said.
HOW DO I LET GO OF THIS?
HE GETS ANOTHER FREERIDE…. and is not doubt.. PLAYING VICTIM TO ME????
Megan beat me. abused me. lied. cheated.. the lies go on and on and on and it is not fair.
I just want to let this all go.
I am so angry at her now also for falling for his crap. tears. they do not mean a thing.
advice please?
why cant I tell her the truth.. AGAIN.
I never ever lied to her.
but…. now I cant break the RO.
what if I had a friend call?
He is manipulating her emotionally…oh mom… Ive ruined every relationship Ive ever been in … including the one with you..
that is what he left her she said … ten days ago….
and she went from contacting me 3 times a day to nothing.
no doubt he has gone in her phone and emails.
cant I have a friend call and say it is someone else… and your son is a lying conartist and using you for money and hopes you die so he inherits?
HOW CAN SHE FALL FOR THIS?
he probably told her I was crazy…. all the same old stuff.
why cant I save her somehow?
why did she educate me on what he is… and then take him back>
he wouldn’t even let her see his babies… lied to the wife about her.
just hates his mother.
but now…
oh… he is homeless (not for long… another he is grooming chics…) and now all of a sudden…
I AM SORRY.
I LOVE YOU.
IT WAS B/C I WAS WITH MEGan. she tried to keep us apart. she lied to you about me so that you would hate me and not be here for me.
OH MY GOD.
I feel absolutely raped.
advice please… please……
not ffair… he can use… abuse.. lie… steal,,, cheat.. beat women… burn us with cigs… break our noses…. take our money….
and she takes him back?
WHAT THE F
How you feel about the situation is right and normal. But it probably would not benefit her, and it will probably will harm you to reach out to her. It’s ok to feel how you do, to worry about his mom, but it’s too big a risk to reach out to her. If you call elderabuse or some other social services, she may turn on you and accuse you of harassing her, or making up stuff, and it could especially get you in trouble.
My perception is that if she said she understood her son is dangerous, then she is not a deceived victim.
Consider that she may be disordered in some way, even if she presented herself as normal. She may have been lying to you, who knows why, but it’s possible. Since you are having cognitive dissonance about her behavior, that is a red flag that something is not right and that she may be dangerous to you.
If you believe in the power of prayer, pray about it, and then let God take care of it. You are not responsible for his mom, in this situation.
It is possible that there is some kind of a trap for you here, too. Nothing ever works out well regarding spaths, except NC. My experience says that if you reach out to her in anyway, it is very likely to turn out badly for you and not help her. If you don’t reach out to her, she may be ok.
Kitty, his mother knows what her son is. However, as a mother I can tell you that it is very difficult to just walk away from your child;your baby.
We still sometimes see the spath mask when they were love bombing us. She still sees the innocent child she brought into this world.
I can only imagine the pain this poor woman endures knowing what her son does to women.
What he did to you.
Therefore please consider that yes, she maybe giving him money;a place to stay. She most likely cannot stand the thought of him homeless, hungry, etc.
That does not mean she has fallen for his lies again.
Also please consider that hearing your voice may be painful for her….brings on guilt…. Wonders what she can possibly say to you to ease your heartache.
Maybe other women are calling her too.
Therefore, maybe she has decided to go NC with anyone associated with her son. That it is too painful for her to hear how awful her son is;how he mistreated you and others.
Maybe she is seeking some peace from the chaos her son created for her.
We obviously will never know. But consider that she has to handle her son the best she knows how…..even if we disagree.
Bluelight, hugs to you! Emotional rainy days & rainy weather days combined are tough 🙁
First off you have to remind yourself not to make THEIR behavior about you.
It’s not about you hon, you just got caught in his web of deception.
Their brain’s do not work in the emotional region. This is why they don’t care how they impact people emotionally. This is how they can just move on to the next victim without regards to the tornado of destruction they left behind.
He does not care about anyone!!
Remember that…he does not care about anyone!!
Once this sinks in you will be able to step away from “why doesn’t he love me”. Remember he lied to his own mother on mothers day..think about that…who does THAT !?! = a sociopath lies to his own mother on mothers day!!! Crazy!!!
No matter who he has as a girlfriend he will treat them the same EXACT way he treated you. He will never love anyone! He does not have the emotional capacity to love only to hate.
We all invested emotionally into the relationship mainly because we were tricked by manipulation, love bombing, gas lighting etc…they were only playing a game…we were not playing a game.
With regards to the Medical proxy…this one sends up RED FLAGS to me & the hair on the back of my neck….remember he is a sociopath so you must think he is DANGEROUS….did he want you to die? did he want to control you so that you would have a emotional break down in front of the doctors for fun while he lies & creates a sociopath smear campaign to the doctors about past behavior that you never did?
This is how you must think about him wanting your medical proxy….He wanted POWER & CONTROL over you…this is what all sociopaths want from everyone.
Please get him off your medical records ASAP!! This really scares me.
Why wont he give you your things back?
Again it’s about POWER & CONTROL…by keeping your things he keeps the door open to come over or call you. If you can see if the police will go to his home with you to collect your belongings.
I am so sorry about the loss of your beloved pet. I understand that loss all too well. So sad when the pass on to heaven. HUGS.
Glad you listened to your gut about him in the hospital. I am also glad those doctors told you who he was…what a blessing & awakening!
Movies are always good on rainy days…or a good book to take your mind off of everything you are going through. Hula has free documentary’s on their site one is “The Secret” which is a good one to move your mind into positive thinking.
Wishing you bright sunny days!! Take care 🙂 🙂 🙂
Blue,
It sounds like you are experiencing grieving of your losses, and the pain from recognizing that your ex isn’t who he said he was and who you hoped he would be for you.
It also sounds like you have a good understanding of how relationships are supposed to work and how people are supposed to treat each other; and you’re seeing clearly how badly your ex treated you. It’s a painful process; and everyone here on LF has been through it.
It’s good advice to make sure your ex isn’t listed as a person to contact nor any other way on your medical records and directives. You may want to think about any other financial accounts, etc, that he’s listed on, and take steps to get him out of your affairs.
Consider consulting an attorney to see if there is any legal way you can get your things back from him. It might be helpful if an attorney wrote him a letter requesting then back if he won’t give then to you at your request. You might write him a brief to the point note asking him to drop them off somewhere, like a friend of yours place, for you to pick up later when he’s not around. If he responds in any way (besides returning your things), don’t respond back. If he does return your stuff, I suggest you don’t even write a ‘thank you for returning my things…’ to him. The less communication the better. Spaths take anything we give them and use it for ammunition against us.
Bluelight,
I hope you are feeling better today. I read your post this morning .
Big sigh. I don’t know what to say because I feel like I am stuck in the same place as you.
WHY, WHY, WHY?????
As much as I have learned here I still don’t get it sometimes.
As far as the material possessions yes, they can be replaced but dammit he should give you the pet remains back. I am so sorry. That is the worst. I love my pets more than most humans I know so I totally understand.
The problem is they don’t think the same way, they can pretend to but they do not.
I hope that possibly a mutual friend con convince or intervine and you can get that back.
Hugs to you. I hope you are feeling better.
Stronginthecity
blue…
Why didn’t he love you?
because he is a narcissist and is incapable and always will be
Always….
Hello all,
I am STILL struggling with all of this craziness.
I am finding myself in the wanting to get revenge phase again and I have been there before and I just want him to feel the pain that I have but I know that will never happen.
The only thing he feels is what is about him, he used to say that I insulted him everytime I would call him on his bullshit lies and nonsense stories.
He would say that a lot. Thats so insulting…he would tell me that I am crazy and jealous when he would what I now know is baiting.
He would drop little clues when I was feeling good about the relationship and it did make me feel crazy.
I am sitting here, still trying to figure this out in my head, even though the smart girl in me is saying that there is nothing to figure out.
I think about the engagement ring he gave me for Christmas that I showed to everyone at work…it now sits on my right hand because I am still not ready to take it back.
The text message he left me Saturday that has put me into a funk I can’t get out of(my fault I forgot to block him again after I reached out to him to see if he is ok) .
He is mad at ME for some Facebook nonsense that I had nothing to do with after he invited me on a trip 3 times and then blew me off…after again making life plans with this idiot to rent my home and move to another state with him…(thank GOD this did not happen).
I just read something on here from another reader who actually did this and talked about how he changed from nice to sinister within the first hour of the drive.
Can someone please tell me what the hell was I thinking? He said he was going to look at properties and he wants me to spend the rest of my life with him. I fell for it AGAIN…
I feel so stupid.
Now he is mad at me???? He said that his family would be upset if they knew he was talking to me??
Wait, what?
I am literally stopping myself from unblocking his number by writing here right now.
HELP!!!
Stronginthecity
DON’T DO IT!!!
No Contact is your best friend.
Breaking NC gave him the incentive to try to suck you in again. One thing the sociopath used to say that I always kept in mind is that once you create a story, you stick with it no matter what. Eventually everyone else will believe it and do the work of defending it for you.
Don’t put yourself back into the story. The role he has for you to play is NOT beneficial to you. RUN the other way! Be STRONG!
You are doing the best thing in the world for yourself by not letting yourself unblock his number. Congratulations!
I found that when I overcame a strong urge to break NC, it got easier after that. When you make it over this hump, you may feel a lot better than you have in awhile.
Of course you know that if you break NC, you’ll feel way worse. None of the reasons that you decided to stop letting him harm you any more have changed.
Strong…
Are you and I the same person?
LET GO OF THE CRAZINESS…
WE CANNOT DEAL WITH INSANITY…
AND THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE…
The Masters of confusion.
You know what he is…
learn even more here and other places…
b/c then… such as in my case…
I SO SEE HIM FOR THE SOCIOPATH HE IS….
that I never ever want to talk to him again.
The guy that proposed to me in December did not exist.
Please let go. Release it. Stop trying to figure things out.
What they did to us and why and how is a Rubic’s cube that will never match up, will never be put together…
except… for one word
EVIL.
do you want that in your life?
DO NOT ENGAGE.
I get cravings also… not about contacting him.. but about contacting other victims… I am having to ride the cravings… come on here… talk to friends.
we cannot reason with insanity and Strong…..WHATEVER WORDS OR ANSWERS HE GIVES YOU?
ARE NOT REAL!!!!!!!
everything is meant to blame us. hurt us. manipulate us.
xoxoxooxo
Yikes…
I meant to type….
WE CANNOT REASON WITH INSANITY….
and that is what they are so let’s stop….
Kitty,
Thank you!
I am feeling better.
I am so glad that I did not take off the block or text him…
It would have just made me feel worse!
Stronginthecity
Kitty,
Thanks again!
Another reader mentioned that I should pawn the ring…
I really am exhausted and am really done trying to figure all of this out.
He is a sociopath…thats all he will ever be.
I’m sick and tired of being treated like a piece of garbage.
Stronginthecity
Strong,
First, I’m so sorry you hit a rough spot earlier today. It seems you are feeling a little bit better? Second, you did it!!! Yay!!!! You stayed NC! You rock. 🙂
Ugh, I hated it when things in the relationship were going well and then they dropped little signs. I suppose to keep us off kilter and guessing. To break us down in order to maintain control.
As for the FB thing…he’s not mad! I bet he doesn’t even believe it’s you!! He’s just trying to hook you so you’ll contact him. It’s strange how they know us so well. They know exactly what buttons to push and actions to take to get us reeling and want to contact. Spath #2 is a pro at that…If we contact, they win! If we don’t contact we win and it’s their loss. I prefer to focus on us as winners! We already know they’re losers!!
Thistooshallpass,
Thank you!
You are absolutely right.
It’s just so messed up.
That control thing.
It’s still difficult to grasp.
I know from the past that once he knew I was on to him that he ran away so what’s changed.
Nothing.
Stronginthecity
same here Strong. And once my landlord sent me a letter and came by here saying she’s noticed this guy has been her 8 months… and that I was sited and would be evicted if they did not run a background check and put him on lease. he started affair that week… an exit plan.. he charmed the landlord… “Im a firefighter.. went over there in his uniform… an you know I have no history.” she was charmed.. and it gave him a couple weeks to remain here… lead me on… free room board, sex, new car…
and then… boom… new target.. and away he goes.
it makes me nauseous b/c I hear from friends.. acquaintances that he has told everyone HE LEFT ME B/C I WAS SOOO JEALOUS and never trusting him.
um….. he was cheating on my… right under my roof…. posing as a fiancé… but cyber sexing and love bombing various women .. with my wifi.. on my couch.
Jealous? nope… Intuitive with reason to be… smart as hell? listened to my spot on gut b/c his words did ot match his actions…
YES I AM.
Free? yes I am.
deserve better? yes I do.
have a great day everyone.
A way of dealing with the bad mouthing when it gets back to you, could be to just cheerfully say, “actually he lied and cheated so I had to break up with him.”
It’s short, to the point, and it kind of sets the record straight without trying to explain about spaths which people don’t get and which just makes us victims look obsessed and nuts. Letting people know he cheated also provides a basis for people to understand that he’s lying about your jealousy.
You can expect that he’ll lie and blame you. Try not to care too much. The people who know you won’t believe his lies, and those that don’t know you don’t really matter all that much. I know it hurts to be betrayed by someone who is supposed to be loyal to you in relationship that is supposed to be love and truth based.
My ex’s outrageous lying was also a good lesson to me not to believe everything I hear people say.
Kitty,
I’m so sorry you had to endure that. Contacting other women while in your home. Infuriating.
Disgusting.
Unfortunately that’s what they do.
Now we are educated and can stay away from these disordered individuals.
Words not matching the actions.
Mine used to tell me I love you all the time. .didn’t mean a thing.
He gave up on me to find easier pray.
On the radio interview with Donna Anderson she talked about how horrible they are as parents and it’s best to have them not around if possible because they try to turn them into mini sociopaths. ..
UGH. I actually do find it fascinating though. .I really never knew these people existed and am going to continue my education to help others.
I work with a lot of social workers and none of them have a clue about this as it relates to relationships and what we have all been through
honestly the people in his circle of friends I could care less what he says to them because they are all losers.
The people who matter he won’t say anything to them because they know he is a liar.
Stronginthecity
NoMoreWool,
Thank you. I just told a bit of my story to one of my co-workers during lunch…big mistake because then I started blabering and now I think that she thinks I am a nut job..
I feel like one.
I know that no contact is the best but some days it’s just plain hard.
I really want to be out of the story but I know he is telling crap about me to anyone that will listen.
Stronginthecity
Be thankful that you can truly go NC. I share children with a sociopath. I go NC as much as possible and the sociopath uses the lack of response to the crazymaking as further ammunition to smear me to anyone and everyone who will listen.
Learn not to care what he says. The people that matter won’t believe it and the people that believe it probably don’t matter.
Nomorewool,
Regarding the children yes I am grateful I don’t have children with him.
I’m sorry you do because from what I have seen he is the worst role model a kid could ever have and his kids are lucky that he was not around that much for them growing up.
How are you handling that?
Are you still married to him?
Stronginthecity
I handle things through the legal system or I ignore it. I live in a different town and have relatives in law enforcement that make sure I stay safe. The hardest part is the damage the sociopath does to our children because the courts don’t recognize there is no benefit to a child having a continued relationship with a sociopathic parent.
Nomorewool,
Its just atrocious the counts don’t recognize this, yet…
I am hoping that awareness will change that.
You sound like you have great family support and you are doing what you can by posting here.
Hugs to you.
Stronginthecity
Laughing helps!
I have been listening to Pandora at work, theres Todays Comedy Radio and its really funny.
Takes my mind off of things.
Stronginthecity
AnnettePK,
You are so right.
Thank you.
I honestly don’t know what I would do without my LF friends.
I probably would have already rented my home to strangers and moved with him to where his children and sociopath mother and brothers are and then what…
My mind is NOT going there.
It’s just not.
Thank you!
Stronginthecity
Oh my Gosh LFers…
I am having another AH HA MOMENT…
Yes… depression with come again… but I just realized something thanks to your posts and a friend of mine.
I have lost 10 pounds since this has happened. I weighed myself at work today and wanted to cry. all the recovery I had done. got my hair back. rehab 3 months. learned how to eat again, etc
It is not anorexia… as I eat pretty well now.
it is not thyroid… checked last month — PERFECT.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?
EVERY SECOND I DATED HIM…especially if I were at work.. or we were physically separated… I LIVED IN FEAR AND PANIC. EVERY MINUTE.
If I did not text him back within seconds.. (I have a job, told him I got written up for texting and he did not care!)… he would accuse me of f.ucking someone. Even at my job at a nursing home.
One time… while he was on shift at fire dept….. I… as I have for 10 years… no…. 15 years.. went to Starbucks before work. he called. I told him… Hi Baby… I am at Starbucks… he accused me of giving a blowjob at starbucks. of just coming home from somewhere else.. I have never partied in my life… do not even drink… he insisted I take a photo of myself at coffee shop to prove where I was..
when I said NO… THIS BEHAVIOR IS UNACCEPTABLE…
he abandoned me for a week. I was aching. grieving. jonsing…
and he came back and explained… he knows it is wrong.. but if ‘YOU COULD JUST BE PATIENT… AND HELP REASSURE ME THAT YOU WONT CHEAT ON MY LIKE MY EX DID.”
guess what?
the exes never cheated.
I HAVE NOT TAKEN A NAP SINCE I MET HIM
If I do not anser a text or a call..
let’s just say… I passed out after work once… with my kitty around 8 pm. job is exhausting. my ringer was off.
at 10 pm…. at the end of my bed… there he is… smoking a cig.
he pulled covers off of me… (to see who I was sleeping with!)
My kitty cat. that is who.
he left.
and went out with his pals…. to a strip club in Ft. Lauerdale which I recently learned.
I went home for xmas this past year. he stayed back as my folks said he was in no way allowed in their home.. (this is before they met him.. and he charmed them also.)
it was a nightmare.
he stayed in my apt. on my couch playing exbox all week. he said he wanted to prove to me he would not go back to “The Ave”..
his avenue of bars on a beach here in fla.
he loved me. I changed him. he didn’t even want the ave anymore.
but….
BEING AWAY FROM HIM…?
Oh my god. I went to a starbucks next to my folks home…. he got “suspicious”… suspicious of what?
He asked who I would meet from high school ad fu.ck>
WHATTTTTTTT?
if he did not hear back from me. actually.. he made me Skype to prove when and where I was… I hated it. I hate skyping.
I had to prove my INNOCENCE EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY.
even tho he was banned from the senior community where I worked…
you guys…
I WOULD CLOCK OUT AND HE WOULD HAVE HIS CAR NEXT TO MINE IN THE PARKING LOT. He risked being arrested.
He said.. that he knew it was crazy… but that he had thoughts that I would walk out with a coworker, a male.
I loved the good guy. when he was fun. and with his kids and I.
and laughing at starbucks. and dancing… and the sex? Wow.
he would sneak in my apt. or office… tip toeing.. as to sneak up on me doing something..texting someone… etc.
Yeah… I just texted my fricking sister.
AND NOW MY FRIENDS… ONE YEAR LATER..
HE WAS THE ONE CHEATING, LYING, STEALING, ACCUSING, ABUSING, MANIPULATING.. SKYPING AND TEXTING AND DELETING TEXTS AND FB MESSENGER THE ENTIRE TIME!!!!
oh My God.
No wonder I am thin. Adrenaline, cortisol… fight or flight 24/7.
He told me tp please love him enough to help him overcome his “separation anxiety”
stupid me… being adopted… I FELL FOR THAT ONE.
okay… SO I WILL NOT HAVE A 6 FOOT FIVE GORGEOUS MAN who is a god in bed anymore.
SO THE HELL WHAT.
Let them have him.
I can breathe now.
I can go to Target ALONE.
If I am ot able to anser my phone, I do not have an anxiety attack wondering if he has packed up and left me already.
I can text anyone… anything I damn well want to.
AND GUESS WHAT LF????
it has helped me so much… and I have helped them.. to have the strength to talk with some of his “serious” exes who are willing to believe me.
THEY WENT THRU THE EXACT SAME THING.
it was not me… he said I was not to be trusted… b/c of fibs I told first week ( I didn’t)
He said I was a pathological liar… which isw why I brought him to my psychologist.. TO PROVE MY INNOCENCE.
this is so sick.
I wish I could remain this happy and in reality all the time.
but it will come and go….
you guys..
I have never told ANYONE THIS… AND I FORGOT ABOUT IT….
if we were in separate cars….
this is not a joke…
like if he surprised me at work in his car.. waiting to to catch me cheating (with who by the way?)….
he told me that I HAD TO DRIVE IMMEDIATELY NEXT TO HIM.
not in front.
not behind.
he would watch me and look to see if I was texting or on phone!
Oh my God…..
he did not want to “work thru” anything….
it was his way or the highway…
Jerry… I am not comfortable with you constantly accusing me of cheating or lying. I never have and I am 100 percent committed to and in love with you as you can see by my actions……
his response?
“You want me to just leave Megan?”
then I would panic. then I would cry. then he would start packing his things… although he was living off me.
he’d say hed rather go live in his car than be abused by me.
I admit it…. I was soooooo addicted…and so terrorfied of losing him.
that like a 3 year old child.. I would cry and scream and block the door and tell him I am sorry…. PLEASE DONT LEAVE Me.
I was pathetic.
but I think we all can see in hindsight what he was doing
using my fear of abandonment to CONTROL ME.
to make ME LOOK SICK.
to deflect issues … like him stalking me in his car off of himelf and on to me.
I cannot believe I have just shared al of this with you.
you must think I am an idiot for being abused… and I LITERALLY DID NOT KNOW IT.
My psychologist said this past SAT. that she thinks there are things I have blocked out.
I wish I could post his photo here….. then you would all understand. maybe…
actually… I take responsibility…
this shows how sick I truly am….
the sex was like an out of body experience.. and the other women say the same.
I GOT ADDICTED.
phew…. love to you all and thank you.
I share your enthusiasm for the truth you are waking up to!! Congratulations for your hard work and your clear thinking!
Instead of encouraging you to feel secure and instead of giving you real security, he used your fear of abandonment to torture you, control you, abuse you; because that’s what he likes to do. Unbelievable that a man would get off on the power rush of harming someone, instead of the power rush of using his strength to protect, improve, appreciate and connect, to serve.
No one is an idiot for being abused and not recognizing it. Most people who are abused don’t recognize it, and when they do many begin the difficult work to get out and make changes in their lives if they can. Abusers use mind control, hypnosis and many other powerful techniques that prey on the good and normal qualities of their victims. Victims of abuse include educated professionals and intelligent people of all levels of education, none of whom are idiots.
I have this feeling that you may one day think that the truth is that your ex isn’t all that great looking (even if he is, there’s little value in that. How he makes you feel, and how much he appreciates a relationship with you, is of value); and that the sex wasn’t all that great. In my experience really great sex happens in relationships that are based on real love (actions), between two people of good character.
Enjoy breathing, shopping at Target in peace, letting calls go to voice mail when you’re busy, and texting and talking to all kinds of interesting nice people when you want to, and many more good things!!
Sounds like your ex kept you in a state of emotional anorexia.
thank you Annette. I hope you are right in the your last paragraph.
but I thought it was real love… that was one reason enjoyed it so much.
Your feelings were real love because you are capable of real love. He faked his love for you because he doesn’t love anyone. You take the capacity for real love with you in life, and you can (and probably will) feel it again for someone with good character who is honest and trust worthy and who appreciates you and loves you in the real way which enhances your well being.
BLUELIGHT…
I am soooo grateful for your message.
I do believe in the power of prayer.
Everytime I begin to obsess or get that urge to let her know… clear the lies.. I will say……
GOD, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. (Letting the mother of a spath… who told ME her son was a spath and to run he only needs money and a roof…. know that she is being completely deceived about me. )
The Courage to Change the things I can (My job… my health, my career, my addictions/codependency recovery…. not allowing anorexia to return.)
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
(I cannot change this woman’s mind. I cant save her. To do so would be dangerous to myself on many levels. )
—————————————————–
I did wonder if she had borderline personality disorder and b/f my spath’s mask came off… I asked him if he thought it possible.
she tells me of the hundreds of thousands she has given to mooching men over the years. allows herself to be manipulated.
thank you so much for your words.
helps sooo much
I text him last night to rub the new BF in his face.
His response…if you want my dick just say so.
He said my new BF is a pussy because he is not giving me what I need.
What did I expect?
Back to square 1.
Stronginthecity
Strong,
You might consider how the new BF would feel if he knew you’re kind of using him in conversation with your ex. Maybe there’s some motivation to stay NC in considering how contact could damage not just you, but others who care about you.
Strong,
I am so sorry about your interaction with you ex. I can understand why you felt you needed to text him that. You want him to be hurt, just as he’s made you hurt. I also feel like part of our addiction is the drama we are used to being in. At this point you need to continue focusing on you. By contacting him, regardless of your intentions, he knows you’re still on him mind. Let him be on your mind but he doesn’t deserve to know that!
You aren’t back to square one, just a step back in your healing process. Keep moving forward. And remember, he is creepy, not to mention dangerous! He is never going to give you anything but more hurt. I know you already know this, but can’t hurt having a little reinforcement. 🙂
Keep being on guard and only one up him in your head! Write him nasty emails and send them to yourself! Not like I’m one to speak, when I’ve written myself emails in the past and my addiction has taken over, that’s when I’ve broken NC. I finally got to the point where enough is enough! That was May 7th. Although he made it easy be going to the lowest of lows. Hopefully his message back is your ENOUGH!
Thistooshallpass,
Thank you for your words of support.
You are totally right.
The addiction to the drama is right. Now that I have peace and quiet I am still trying to accept that.
The new BF is so totally opposite and I hope that I don’t blow it and start acting out and looking for drama because I was so used to it.
He does not know anything about what happened and I intend on keeping it that way.
I am taking it nice and slow and so far so good.
I really need to start writing down how I am feeling other than here.
Its the one thing I have not done.
The spath does not communicate by email as he claims to hate the whole internet thing..
Except looking at child porn..
Yuck.
XOXO
Stronginthecity
Strong,
I just realized I never responded to your post. Sorry.
I’m happy you’re taking it slow with your new BF and not telling him yet. My counselor recommends that if I start dating again.
I’m writing because I need your help. I’ve reached out here some this evening, but you know stalking first hand and our situations have been so similar.
My new email address was hacked today. Nothing serious, just the password changed. Took some doing through verification’s to give me access again. I know it was one of my ex’s. I opened the account a few months ago but didn’t use it until I deleted my 2 accounts (3 weeks ago) that my spaths had access to.
I told #2 three weeks ago that I would not contact him again. That’s when he told me I was “crazy” and “sick”. I’ve changed my number 3 times so I contacted him through a google voice number, which is now connected to my new email address.
Both my spaths are computer guys for a living. #2 owns his own IT business. They are both extremely skilled. This is anniversary time for both of them. Break up from #1, his son graduation HS, which is when he said we’d start our life together. #2 and I talked about living together this month (although he was pressuring me to buy a house for March), he started perusing me last June. He knows my fear of this time of year because of #1.
All and all, I’m not surprised this is happening now. I know my account being hacked is one of them. Usually I know the difference. I’m leaning toward #2. I know he’d be angry at me deleting accounts if he tried to contact me.
I called my counselor and she believes it’s one of them. Too coincidental. We updated my safety plan. This may not be an escalation but just an annoyance. Still, I’m having a hard time. I was hoping I was in the clear. I’m not.
I can’t remember if I’ve told you my whole story, but there’s a big chance #1 had stalked me for 16yrs prior to pursuing me and now I’m dealing with #2 as well. During the 16yrs it was off and on stranger stalking. This last year has been HELL. So much stalking. Annoyance or not, I don’t know how much more I can handle….
Thisooshallpass,
I apologize for the long delay in contacting you back.
I read your message but due to the ongoing craziness, I just now have a chance to reply.
The stalking, yes I am a victim.
Mine did it the old fashioned way by driving past and breaking in my home.
As for the result its the same, an invasion of your privacy.
If both of your spaths are skilled with the computer, unfortunately they will find a way in even if its changing your password..who the f do they think they are.
Is there a way to report this to Google? Setting up 2 step verification is helpful and keep changing your passwords. I know its annoying but this will keep you one step ahead.
I totally get how you feel. It’s PTSD and every time something, anything happens it triggers all of the craziness.
I am at an all time low right now, I have to do some major work on me.
Nor blaming myself, but need to rediscover the things about me, the good things I was before the evilness I met in 2006.
How are you doing now?
Please feel free to share anything you care to about 1 or 2.
Your LF friend,
Stronginthecity
Oh Strong…
He is not worthy rubbing anything in his face for..
he is not even a real person.
Please let go…. do you have a counselor who understand these disorders? I am soooo blessed that I do.
Strong…. and I understand if you decline answering… but did you have the addiction to your ex also? the sex? etc.