Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
AnnettePK,
I’ll own up to that.
You are right.
I do not like the person I became when I was with the spath.
I was always on guard and trying to one up him…always.
Not an excuse, but an explaination.
Thank you for bringing that to my attention.
Stronginthecity
Spaths try to bring us down to their level; it’s a number one goal in their quest to destroy people.
They also try to hook us into interacting with them, often, like you point out, in competitive ways. It’s what they do.
I doubt I’ll ever recover from the lows I stopped to at the hands of my ex psychopath. It’s a big regret for me.
AnnetePK,
I hate that I have brought myself down to his level.
I don’t even know who I am anymore.
He moved out of state an I am happy for the distance but since he travels back ad forth I never know what to expect.
I just read the post from Donna about that creature who killed himself, New Jersey I think.
My only reaction.. one less spath in the world.
I am really scared as my expath resembles that evil creature.
I am praying for the victims.
Strong
Strong…
big hug to you.
I became and anxious, paranoid, angry person with mine.
the opposite of who I am..
xoxoxoxo
Kittylover,
How are things going?
I took a break and am just checking in.
I feel strong in knowing that he is a sociopath and never cared for me at all.
It’s hard to accept sometimes but glad I know.
He’s a user and drama king.
Stronginthecity
AnnettePK and Kittylover,
Thank you for your support.
Kitty to answer your question was I (am I) addicted to the sex?
Yes. I thought about this question before I answered.
I compared what I feel to other relationships and have come to the conclusion that because I am a one man woman I was always craving sex with the man after breakup. Of coarse the sex with him was fantastic.
It had to be because he and I know that’s all he has to offer so it better be.
He makes sure of this. He is very good at one thing and one thing only.
Inserting his manhood into women or who knows based on Donna’s radio interview.
Ugh, I’m just really mad with myself but not beating myself up over it.
I did it. It’s done. Do I feel bad. Yes I do.
Does he care about anything I feel, no. His response to me was “if you want my dick, just say so”. Oh brother.
I don’t know why I would think anything else.
I wanted to shove my new relationship in his face and his response is that my new BF is a pussy.
After everything he is the same sociopathic lazy bum that only cares about himself and his penis.I was sex to him nothing more.
I was a good supply for him while I was under his spell.
Kitty he was needy and stalking me, always wanting to know where I was and if I didnt answer my phone there would be hell to pay.
I guess I was naive to his games until I got the point where I couldn’t take it anymore.
I would call him on BS, he would get mad and leave. Repeat, repeat.
It’s all so tiring.
Thanks again for the support.
XOXO
Stronginthecity
Kittylover,
In response to your post about being an angry paranoid person…
He did bring me down to his level and I am rock bottom right now.
The spath has again managed to turn everything around on me and make me feel horrible while he is in the process of moving back to where he came from, in another state thank you Lord.
Managed to make a grand exit…
Feeling really yucky right now.
Hope it passes soon.
Stronginthecity
After all this time I had finally found something that helps me understand what was going on in his head.
I came across this written by John Howell called “A Narcissist’s Love Letter”.
Google it. It brought some sort of closure.
Stronginthecity
Strong,
I’ve read that letter. It’s eye opening!
I was thinking about you today. How have you been?
Thistooshallpass,
Yes, the letter is really eye opening and has put me in a horrible funk..
I’m sorry if that happened for you too but it was kinda what I was searching for..WHY???
After all this time I feel like I finally got an answer even though I knew it in my heart.
I have a heart, he does not.
He said I love you all the time, but his actions said otherwise.
It’s still so confusing. I have to focus on me now.
He picked up and left back to Florida again, blaming me of coarse.
I am glad for the distance because I know if he was here all I had to do was say I wanted to see him and he would be right here, screwing with my head.
I missed work today and really don’t even care.
I am looking to move out of my city..I applied to jobs in other states and if I get an offer I am out of here.
I realize relocating will not fix my problems but a fresh start is very appealing to me as he travels back and forth to my city and leaving is an option that I really need to consider right now because of his stalking.
I know he keeps track of me.
He even has his loser friends drive past my house and I don’t even want to go out in my yard.
Before he left he showed up here uninvited and banging on my doors and windows for 3 hours, calling and texting that he wanted his stupid bicycle and other items he left here.
That was last weekend and I am still in shock over the motives for his move.
I wont go into that now.
Thank you for thinking of me. I have been thinking of you too.
I am feeling horrible but that’s to be expected when I let my guard down and let the evil person back in any capacity.
Please tell me whats going on with you.
I know I have not really been on the site.
Your LF friend,
Stronginthecity
Strong,
I’m sorry that you’re dealing with all of this. I’m glad he’s in FL again and you have some space, at least for now. I can totally understand a move, especially with the stalking. Just make sure he doesn’t get word!
It would’ve scared the crap out of me if my ex banged on my doors and windows/called and texted for so long. How did you handle it? I worry about you safety. I’m going to assume you didn’t call the police? I know he has sucked you back in before and that you have feared his stalking. Those to things are hard to balance. Please stay safe.
NC for good now, right?! You can do this!!! Are his motives you mentioned something he can use to hook you again? It might be worth preparing yourself in case he contacts you again, which we know he will. Are you completely unreachable to him now?
Are you keeping a running log of all this stuff, including his friends driving by? You need to be able to feel safe in your own yard.
He has put you through so much. Time to do you! Sounds like you’re doing that. You probably needed to take a day off, so you did. You don’t want to escape life but are thinking about your well being by considering a move. This must all be so much to take in. Hugs to you!
As for me, oh you know, just the same old and new crazy crap. Came to the realization that my ex husband was an abuser. Who knew? I’m feeling like a weight has been lifted off me today after meeting with my counselor. I’m enjoying feeling relieved right now. Gaining truth. I know all too well the emotional roller coaster that is most likely to come…
I’m also dealing with the fact that spath #2 has been monitoring me via my computer for so long without me knowing. He went to many lengths and has been giving me signs. Like hacking my new email address and then was getting more unknown calls on my newish phone number. Back to the apple store tomorrow. It seems my computer may be hopeless. That makes me sad because I got it only a little over a year ago.
Thistooshallpass,
It was a terrifying glimpse into the real him. I have been sick the entire week thinking of all of the terrible behavior I have put up with.
I am so happy for the distance.
I did not call the police for fear of retaliation. I got on the phone with a domestic violence hotline until I gave him his items and he finally went away.
There is absolutely nothing left. I have zero feelings for him other than pity.
Its going to take some time for me to get back to me.
Thank you for your kind words.
I now know these people exist and the warning signs, red flags and sick to my stomach feeling will never be ignored again.
As for your #2 monitoring your computer, can you file a complaint for cyber stalking?
Stronginthecity
Strong,
I’m so happy you had the support of the domestic hotline! I so get the fear of retaliation with getting police involved. I just want you to stay safe!!! Do you feel like it’s given you more close getting the real terrifying glimpse of him? At least to enough to stay NC? Sounds like it from what you’re saying. You have nothing left. That’s the point I got to. It’s very sad, but freeing in a way…
I know with #2 our last conversation sealed NC for me. It was sooo bad.
I talked to my counselor about pursuing legally. I can go to the police but they may not take me seriously (the police are not always the best resource where I live), even with evidence and I won’t be able to prove it’s him. It’s not worth the battle right now. And as always, I fear the retaliation, like you…
It seems the computer stuff will work out. I’m sure he knows I’m on here so I’m sure he’s enjoying reading all of this. I’ll figure out in time what next steps to take. For now I need you all! I’m more important than him!!!
Hang in their Strong. In a way it’s a blessing he has shown you so much of his bad self recently. You are STRONG. I have faith that you are on your way to a better life. A spath free one. Even if he continues to stalk, you are free!!! At least that’s what I tell myself everyday. 🙂
For those who have not read the case history’s under true Lovefraud stories here on this site…take a look.
Donna talks about James Montgomery and the other evil disordered people here.
It’s chilling and disturbing but we have to know about this.
This site is the best on the internet.
Believe me I have looked at them all and always come back for information and support from my LF friends.
Stronginthecity.
I often wonder why the spath came back into my life after so much time..
BECAUSE LET HIM..
In his semi mind, he was able to manipulate me before..
Probably ran out of supply and went to the recycle bin. Me.
I was not strong and educated about this horrible evilness before.
I will get the word out, one way or another.
Stroninthecity
Good evening all,
I have heard the stories of my LF friends, an open honest forum to let it all out.
We are dealing with the lowest of the low.
Evil.
I have, like so many others poured my emotions onto this website and have encountered some posts that just feel wrong.
I have seen them come and go.
I will continue to think of Lovefraud as a safe haven for telling our stories and getting support and advice.
Stroninthecity
I have been out of a psychopathic relationship for about 6 years now. I keep coming to Lovefraud for education, to support, and for ‘reminders’. It really is the best place I found for helping one keep sane and keep no contact, while becoming wise and whole.
Stong’s experience (and other’s) of how these bad people recycle themselves back into our lives is a SO true!! I have heard, and experienced, some of these types contacting an ex decades later”.the outcome is generally as bad or worse than the original, if they are allowed close contact. I got a call about 10 years later (at the time I didn’t know about personality disorders) but I felt the old dread as soon as I heard his voice. Lucky for me he didn’t ‘get’ what he wanted and that was the last of it.
If there are no outstanding legal or parental issues the only thing to to with these people is shut and lock that door, and NEVER open it again.
Natural predators only predate. Every move is made toward the end game. Us knowing the end game saves us from trying to interpret their moves (especially if they are suddenly ‘acting kind’, or ‘concerned’, or ‘changed’). The end game is control; over the outcome, and your feelings and actions.
You would think they would get ‘bored’ of this game, but instead they get bored of healthy relating and relationships. Disrupting our reality, and being in control of as many people and situations as they possibly can is the only thing that keeps them ‘feeling alive’.
Given the end game they probably need to keep all the options open, FOREVER. That means they will try to cycle back time and again, to fight the boredom.
Slimone,
So well said.
I have had no energy for the last week and just trying to enjoy the peace and quiet.
Your observations about the game and being in control is spot on.
I would never want to be inside that head, ever.
I do not have any legal ties to this person whatsoever and thankfully no children with him.
He has created 3 versions of him, hopefully for the sake of those children it skipped a generation.
SITC
Slimone,
The last 2 paragraphs of the above post are golden!
It explains everything to me.
Thank you as I am still unable to express thoughts so clearly right now.
I still can’t believe that after he disappeared in 2006 and nearly broke me, had the balls to do it again -and I LET HIM…
That’s on me.
At that time, I knew something was not right, DUH but fell for it again.
He sucked he in like a puppet.
Never again.
Before he left this time instead of disappearing made sure to tell me that all that happened was MY fault.
I am so glad he is away, and he seem really surprised when I did not beg him to stay.
I’m sure he is off ruining some other lives right now as I became too boring(like a grey rock).
His own children are his next victims. He was never around for them when they were little so they at least had a chance.
Now he is back in their lives and raising hell with his tupid stories that he told over and over again.
New audience. Hopefully they will move away from him.
Stronginthecity