Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader whom we’ll call “Cecilia18.”
I didn’t marry “my” sociopath. I didn’t live with him. I didn’t have children with him. I’m not even sure you could call what passed for a relationship “dating.” Nevertheless, he messed up my life for several years.
I’ll call him John. He was a local radio host, and I was a fan. I enjoyed listening to him banter with his producer/on-air sidekick and with his wife when she called in. Looking back, I don’t know why I liked him so much. He made a lot of jokes at the expense of others, including minorities and seniors. This is not my thing at all! But there was something about him: He was witty and clever and charismatic. I remember thinking he would be so much fun to hang out with – not just him, but his wife, too.
I was in a long-term romantic relationship with someone I’ll call Bob, and honestly wasn’t interested in anything but friendship with John.
I spent about a year out of state for work, and was excited to hear John again when I returned to the local area. Shortly after I returned, though, he disappeared from the airwaves. Turned out he’d had a nervous breakdown, attempted suicide and spent some time in a mental hospital. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but looking back and knowing now what a lying liar he was, I’m not entirely sure the doctors read him right. In any event, this episode ended his marriage.
A few months later he returned to radio on a different station. I was so excited to hear him again! Once again I was a fan with dreams of becoming a friend. I attended a couple of his personal appearances. I gave him a couple of gifts I made myself, one of which was a song I’d written about him. We exchanged emails and were hitting it off big time.
Shortly afterward, the love bombing started. He had a mad crush on me (he said). He couldn’t possibly settle for just being friends with me (he said). He wanted more (he said), and this made ME want more.
Something you need to know about me: I am on the autism spectrum and grew up at a time when nobody knew what that was. I spent all of my childhood and adolescence and much of my young adulthood hearing, “What the heck is WRONG with you?” from parents, teachers and peers, and not having an answer until I was diagnosed in my 50s. Until then, including the time with John, I was a sucker for anyone who seemed to not only get me, but be totally INTO me. Everything I was interested in was fascinating (he said). Everything I said was brilliant (he said).
I was married once. I left my husband for Bob, because we hit it off so beautifully I decided I must have picked wrong when I picked my husband, and Bob was The One. Now I’m hitting it off so beautifully with John, I’m convinced I picked wrong again and John was The One.
The climax happened on March 9, 2003. I came to his house and there was some sexual contact – not “all the way,” because (a) I didn’t want that and (b) I learned much later that he was impotent.
Then, almost as quickly as it began, the love bombing stopped. It started with a broken date, then serious pulling away with no explanation. He would tease me with offering to get together (“let’s have lunch this week”) then never get around to confirming plans.
I was flabbergasted and devastated. I simply couldn’t understand how he could be so into me one minute and blowing me off the next.
We didn’t lose contact because I continued listening – obsessively – to his radio show and emailing him clever comments about it. Once upon a time he raved about my cleverness, so I was desperately searching for the magic key that would bring back the Man From March 9th – the man who thought I was the most perfect woman ever, the man who couldn’t possibly settle for being just friends because his feelings for me were So Special.
Over the next few months, I lost interest in everything and everyone I cared about. My world got smaller and smaller, and the only thing in it that mattered was getting the Man From March 9th back.
One day, about a year and a half after the obsession began, I snapped out of it. I won’t go into the details, but someone said something that hit home, and that was the end. I was no longer in the grip of my crippling obsession, but the questions remained: How could feelings that intense just vaporize? It took another couple of years before it hit me like a bolt from the blue:
He never HAD those feelings for me. It was all a lie, an act. I was still left with the “Why?” though. Why would someone lie about having feelings for someone?
Eventually I found information online about narcissists and sociopaths, and the scales dropped from my eyes, and I realized I was not alone. These people lie because it’s What. They. Do.
I also was able to connect with some of John’s other “victims,” and that has been a great comfort to me.
Still, I yearned for the opportunity to confront him, to tell him in no uncertain terms the damage he had done to me. I shared this with Bob (yes, amazingly enough we are still together – 26 years now!) and he asked, “Why? So he can laugh at you?” Maybe he would, but I held out hope that I might be able to reach him and get some sort of apology.
Three years ago an acquaintance sent me a Facebook message that John had died. The obituary read simply: “John ___, 63, passed away on (date). He is survived by all those who knew and loved him. May he rest in peace.”
If he really is dead, then this obituary is sad beyond belief. He died alone and unloved.
But the wording says to me that perhaps he isn’t dead – that he has gone into hiding. It wouldn’t be the first time. In the mid-2000s he was sued for some hateful comments on his radio show, and nobody could find him to appear in court or testify.
I admit it: Part of me hopes he is still alive and I still have a chance to confront him. It’s been more than a decade, but I still want closure.
I almost married a sociopath, and to this day I don’t know what his motives were
Reminds me of a hateful radio show years ago called, “Imus In The Morning.”
Am so sorry to learn what happened to you.
Hope you are healing.
they are good actors.
Be glad you didn’t marry or get legally entangled with him. And be very very glad, no kids! Yes, its ALL lies..all of it..please let go of confronting him..let him go! Whether he’s dead (hopefully for you) or alive..he’s out of your life. As to why? Psychopaths lie, that’s what they are.
Can anyone help me please regarding a cease and desist letter. I do this with a lawyer? I’m so broken down and I can’t bear to take it anymore. 3 weeks I’ve been in a smear campaign. Apparently the man who was luring me got caught by his wife- not with me but someone. The person launching the smear is a good friend of his (and I was a friend too and confided in her). She’s attacking me terribly I cry non stop I have severe anxiety.
I went to the police they said it’s not a criminal act. I can file a peace order that may not be granted because she’s making fake social media accounts. I haven’t contacted this man since June and I’m under major attack. She’s posting my photos saying I sleep with married men I suck co** she says she’s emailing my job about the relationship. I can’t believe this I’m being blamed for exposing him.
Please can someone tell me if they have went through this bad of a attack? And is a cease and desist letter expensive and does it work?
sbff8, Yes, you would have to hire a lawyer & they can send a cease & desist letter. I think you might want to hire a criminal defense lawyer (?) as they might be more in tune with what crime the sociopath & this other woman are committing by their continual harassment against you. But look on line to see if there is a better type of specialty lawyer as I’m not sure what type. Have the lawyer send the letter to both the guy that you dated & this other woman. Shut both of them down!!
Also, be careful who you hire, follow your gut. It should only take them maybe 1 billing hour to write a letter ($350??). Most times lawyers will have a free consolation. Then bill after that time. SO ASK THE FOR THEIR RATES FIRST. Also your domestic abuse center might have some advise to and a lawyer recommendation that understands domestic abuse and the after effect.
I would recommend also that you contact the social media company i.e. Facebook, Instagram that the sociopath/woman are using to harass you on & tell them that they need to take down this social media account asap.
I’m so sorry that you are enduring this sociopath smear campaign. Just now the sociopath you were dating has dropped his mask to show you exactly who he is & his evil mindset. This evil mindset has never changed since day one…he was just able to keep up his mask…his mask has dropped = see him for who he is…he is in destroy mode. BEWARE he is dangerous!!
The stress you are under is normal when dealing with a sociopath. So please take care of your health. Look into adrenal fatigue symptoms on sites like Dr Lam.com, Adrenal fatigue. org and on the net.
You need to stop looking at that social media site. The sociopath wants to break you down emotionally…dont let him….Follow the NO Contact Rule….by not looking at this site. It will only break your spirit hon.
Sending you huge hugs!! ????
PS sbff8, make a free appointment with your local abuse center first to see if they have any advise on how to deal with this harassment. Know that you are not the first to deal with this nightmare so dont be ashamed or embarrassed you were conned by a manipulative con man into this relationship.
I just googled Cease & desist letter harassment & this came up: (do a search in your country for info regarding your laws. I think the police did not tell you correct info): You can find anyones address on the net these days…so look her up.
Found on the Net:
“Intro: Cease & Desist Letter/Order for Harassment/Stalking – How to Stop Harassment
Please find below a sample Cease and Desist Letter/Order that can be used against a person or cult (ie: Opus Dei) when they are attempting to harass, stalk, pressure, and/or intimidate you. This document can be customized and modified in any way to suit a particular situation to which it is being applied. For example, the local harassment and stalking laws applicable to the country, province or state that you are in should replace the US laws listed below. Please feel free to have your legal counsel review it for further modifications.
When a person is getting aggressive and intimidating and refuses to back down, modify and mail the Cease and Desist letter below to get them to back down. It is key that a copy of the letter is kept along with with a record of delivery. This record is necessary to prove to the police that the person has been served a Cease and Desist Order should the person not back down after the Order has been sent. In the US, the letter can be sent via the US Postal Service’s Priority Mail with Delivery Confirmation. Please note that it is suggested that you do not send the Order via Certified Mail/Return Receipt, since the person harassing you may refuse delivery of the Order. However, Priority Mail/Delivery Confirmation does not require a signature and cannot be refused. An alternative way is to send it via FedEx Ground if you are near a FedEx dropoff facility. Be sure to KEEP a copy of the letter and your record of Delivery Confirmation. In addition, you may want to send a copy to the local police precinct, via Delivery Confirmation, to alert them to the harassment you are receiving from certain elements.
Note too that this Order can also be used when an individual, like an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend or co-workers is harassing you and will not leave you alone. It is helpful in establishing an official set of documents that the person was warned that their actions were in violation of criminal laws.
CEASE AND DESIST LETTER/RESTRAINING ORDER
(DATE)
Dear Sir or Madam:
This CEASE AND DESIST ORDER is to inform you that your harassing and intimidating actions against me has become unbearable. Such anti-social behavior is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated in any way, shape or form. This letter is to demand that your harassment and intimidation must CEASE AND DESIST immediately. Should you continue to pursue these activities in violation of this CEASE AND DESIST ORDER, we will not hesitate to pursue further legal action against you, including, but not limited to, civil action and/or criminal complaints.
[Insert specific harassment inicidents here. Be sure to include date and place of occurance]
Please note that I have a right to remain free from your intimidating tactics, and we will take the responsibility upon ourselves to protect that right. Note that a copy of this letter and a record of its delivery will be stored. Note too that it is admissible as evidence in a court of law and will be used as such if need be in the future.
This CEASE AND DESIST ORDER demands that you immediately discontinue and do not at any point in the future under any circumstances do the following to me: speak to, contact, pursue, harass, attack, strike, bump into, brush up against, push, tap, grab, hold, threaten, telephone (via cellular or landline), instant message, page, fax, email, follow, stalk, shadow, disturb my peace, keep me under surveillance, gather information about and/or block my movements at home, work, social gatherings or religious functions.
[New York: Note that your behavior is a violation of New York State Penal Law Section 240.25 – Harassment in the First Degree, Section 240.26 – Harassment in the Second Degree, Section 240.30 – Aggravated Harassment in the Second Degree, Section 240.45 – Criminal Nuisance in the Second Degree, Section 120.45 – Stalking in the Fourth Degree, Section 120.50 – Stalking in the Third Degree, Section 120.55 – Stalking in the Second Degree, Section 120.60 – Stalking in the First Degree, Section 135.60 – Coercion in the Second Degree, Section 105.00 – Conspiracy in the Sixth Degree, Section 120.15 – Menacing in the Third Degree.]
[Connecticut: Sec. 53a-181c – 1992, Stalking in the first degree, Sec. 53a-181d – 1992, Stalking in the second degree, Sec. 53a-181e – 1995. Stalking in the third degree, § 53a-182b. Harassment in the first degree, 53a-183. Harassment in the second degree]
[New Jersey: Note that your behavior is a violation of New Jersey Code of Criminal Justice Title 2C:12-10 – Stalking, Title 2C:33-34 – Harassment.]
[Maryland: Note that your behavior is a violation of Maryland State Code Title 3, Subtitle 8, Section 3-802 – Stalking, Section 3-803 – Harassment, Section 3-804 – Misuse of Telephone Facilities, Section 3-805 – Misuse of Electronic Mail, Subtitle 9, Section 3-901 – Visual Surveillance, Section 3-902 – Visual Surveillance with Pruient Intent and Section 3-906 – Divulging Private Communications.]
[Illinois: Note that your behavior is a violation of Illinois Compiled Statutes Chapter 720 ILCS 5/12-7.3 – Stalking, Chapter 720 ILCS 5/12-7.4 – Aggravated Stalking, Chapter 720 ILCS 5/12-7.5 – Cyberstalking, Chapter 720 ILCS 135/1-1 – Harassment by telephone, Chapter 720 ILCS 135/1-2 – Harassment through electronic communications, Chapter 720 ILCS 135/0.01 – 135/2 – Harassing and Obscene Communications Act and Chapter 720 ILCS 135/0.01 Short Title Harassing and Obscene Communications Act.
[Massachusetts: Note that your behavior is a violation of Massachusetts Criminal Statutes Chapter 265:37 – Violations of Constitutional Rights, Chapter 265:43 – Stalking, Chapter 265:43A – Criminal Harassment and Chapter 265:14A – Annoying Telephone Calls]
[In Washington DC: Note that your behavior is a violation of Federal Criminal Statutes 47 USC 223(a)(1)(c) – Obscene or Harassing Telephone Calls in the District of Columbia or in Interstate or Foreign Communications; District of Columbia Code, Title 22, Section 504 – Threatened Assault in a Menacing Manner; Stalking
[Virginia: Note that your behavior is a violation of the Criminal Code of the Commonwealth of Virginia, 18.2-60.3A – Stalking, Class 1 Misdemeanor and 18.2-60.3B – Stalking, Class 6 Felony.]
[California: Note that your behavior is a violation of the California Penal Code Subsection 646.9 – Stalking and 422 – Punishment for Threats]
[Texas: Note that your behavior is a violation of the Texas Penal Code Subsection 42.072(a)(b)(c) – Stalking and Subsection 42.07(a)(b)(c) – Harassment]
[Federal: Note that your behavior is a violation of US Federal Laws 18 USC Subsection 2265 Full Faith and Credit, 18 USC Subsection 2261A Interstate Stalking, 18 USC Subsection 875(c) Interstate Communications, 47 USC Subsection 223(a)(1)(c) Harassing Telephone Calls in Interstate Communications]
[Interstate Statues: Note that your behavior is a violation of Federal Criminal Statutes 18 USC 2261A – Interstate Stalking and 47 USC 223(a)(1)(c) – Obscene or Harassing Telephone Calls in the District of Columbia or in Interstate or Foreign Communications]
[Additional US state-by-state anti-stalking laws are available at: State Laws]
Should you willfully choose to continue your current course of action, I will not hesitate to file a complaint with the Police Department for your ongoing violations of the Criminal Laws noted previously.
This letter does not constitute exhaustive statement of my position nor is it a waiver of any of my rights and/or remedies in this and/or any other related matter.
We demand your immediate compliance, and furthermore that you confirm in writing that all violative activity will cease immediately.
Very truly yours,
(NAME)
Sent via Priority Mail/Delivery Confirmation
cc:
– [Your local Police Deparment /local Police Precinct]
Psychopaths think they are above the law so i don’t know if this would work. you might read sandra brown on emotional detachment and try detaching and no contact.