Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
By Ox Drover
Thirty years ago I met a special lady, she was my next-door neighbor’s sister-in-law. She had grown up in Italy during WWII. Her father was a “slave” to the government and worked for them. In exchange, he was given at least a limited amount of food. He loved his children and gave all the food to his children. As a consequence of giving all the food he had to his children, he became very weak and unable to work at full capacity. His masters informed him that if he continued to give the majority of the food to his children that when he became unable to work, all food would be stopped, and not only he, but his children as well, would starve.
This lady remembered watching her father cry as he ate, knowing that his children were hungry, but knowing also that by keeping up his strength, he might be able to save not only himself, but his children as well. I remember thinking what a terrible choice this man was given, yet knowing too, that he did what he did to save not only himself but his children as well.
This has been one of those stories that has stuck with me forever, one I will never forget as long as I have two synapses that communicate with each other. I realized lately though, how much meaning this story has on several levels.
One of the “common themes” among former victims seems to me to be our capacity to “give unto others” the resources of all kinds that we have. Story after story on Lovefraud tells of a former victim giving money and time to their abuser to their own detriment. Not just “sharing” what they have willingly, but giving everything to others, who willingly take, not caring at all that their victim is literally “starving” themselves in order to provide resources to the psychopathic abuser.
I am sure this father in the above story would have willingly given all the food to his children, and willingly starved himself to death in order that they might live. Unfortunately, his death by starvation would have only, later, precipitated the death by starvation of the very children he sacrificed to save. It was only by retaining enough food to keep himself alive, even though the children were still hungry, that they all could live.
Looking back on my life and the stories of other former victims, I see so many similarities to the way we have given to those we loved, but to the point of our own starvation, at which point, we were discarded by the psychopaths, who moved gleefully on to the next caring victim.
Caring and sharing is a good trait in loving and compassionate people. The Bible and other sacred works advise us to be “giving” and “compassionate” people, and to share our good fortune with others who are “in need.” I never found though, that any of these writings advise us to give the last morsel of food, the only coat we have, or to move out of our homes into the snow and invite others to move into our homes while we freeze to death in the snow.
I never found an admonition for the followers of Jesus to give money to those who are too lazy to work, or to house, feed and support anyone who could but wouldn’t work. I do find exhortations, though, that we should work with our hands so that we will have resources to share with those “in need.”
Depriving ourselves of the necessary things in life in order to supply abundant things to those who will not “help themselves” to the limit of their abilities is not, in my opinion, a good use of our resources.
Whether the “things” we give to others are our financial resources or our time, when we deprive ourselves of the resources necessary for a healthy life in order to give to another, and we deplete ourselves to the point we become “broken down” or “starved” and can no longer take care of even ourselves, we do no one a favor.
I can’t even completely imagine how that Italian father must have suffered with each bite he took, but he did what he did because it was the best thing to do. I would also imagine that his guilt at eating the food he did must have given him incredible pain, but all of his children and he and his wife survived the war.
In order to help others, we too much feed ourselves first, and take care of our own needs. It isn’t a crime to be good to yourself, though I know I still have trouble at times doing just that, being good to myself.
Thanks Oxy, this is a real eye opener for me. I use analogies a lot and have tried to explain some things using analogies similar to this…someone starving for others and how they will die and then what will the others do ?
In my case I think they’ll do just fine, they won’t starve when I’m gone. I couldn’t quit though, with this story though, it shows me that even if I weren’t being ‘taken advantage of’ I’d still have to do for me to be able to continue to do for them. I guess I knew this all already, but didn’t want to let go for fear of being alone and unable to take care of my boys alone. Plus if I quit sucking arss then we’ll be ‘on our own’. (of course, I am already alone, lonely, afraid, blah, blah, blah.) I have more going on then just the xp, I think I’m stronger where he is concerned but the rest? I have a real hard time with that, it’s all just too much sometimes.
But this article, This is very validating for me. It validates what I have tried to say about needing some of my needs met as well as others.
Thank you
Sometimes I get this knot in my throat and my eyes water over and I just want to unload my thoughts here, but then I remember that so many of my details would expose who I am to the p and others that might come through here. The p is very dangerous to my sons safety and mine, but he would use that boy to hurt me, I know. So I don’t want to provoke him to that, I want him to feel safe and bored where I’m concerned so he’ll loose interest and fade away from our lives, including my boy’s life. Not that I won’t fight him legally if he makes that necessary.
It doesn’t seem fair that I can’t open up and ‘tell all’ I could really use the release.
I’m tired of walking this world like a ghost that no one hears or sees. It’s very very lonely.
Dear Heaven bound,
I can relate to your feelings about walking like a “ghost” but I have learned to validate MYSELF. Actually, the “details” of what you went through are not what is important I think. I think that what is important is that you have FACED EVIL and looked it square in the face and overcome.
In some cases telling someone (who has never been around a P that they knew what was) it would be more believeable to tell them you were abducted by aliens and get them to believe you than to tell all the REAL DETAILS which ARE true.
Each of the Ps has used/abused us heartlessly….what difference does it make WHAT THE DETAILS ARE? Not a lot really, abuse=abuse=abuse, that’s the bottom line.
They took and we gave and gave and gave. Now we know that they are takers only and that we have settled to only give to them for nothing in return. BUT we ar eno longer willing to give to those who are parasites like a tick on a dogs ear….sucking our blood adn infecting us with whatever emotional trauma they are carrying like an insect vector spreading disease with every bite.
Take care of YOU, and take care of your chiold/children and don’t let the disbelief of the rest of the world, or his appearance of normalcy hurt you any more. You make YOURSELF while! Be good to yourself. A good life is the best revenge! (((hugs)))) and God bless.
Oxy,
No the details aren’t really important, but then it does do some good to be able to talk about it. I see everyone here talk about this or that, that happened and sometimes I’d just like to do the same. I think it would let some pressure off. However, you make a great point … the details really don’t make a lot of difference, abuse=abuse=abuse…
I’m trying Oxy to take care of me and my boys, but I am stuck somehow. I feel so hurt at what all I gave up and lost that my boys deserved and needed.
I’m so upset with what the devil has been aloud to do. I know that God knows what He is doing and that I shouldn’t be upset about this, but I can’t seem to help it. I’m upset with me for feelings that I shouldn’t be having.
It’ll be fine though.
Thank you Oxy for your response, encouragement, and for HEARING me.
Thank you for taking the time to post to me.
(((hugs))) to you too Oxy, I needed that! I need all those I can get!
God bless!!
Dear Heaven bound,
Back when I had to flee for my life, leave my home, 99% of my possessions and my community in order to be safe from the atttempts on my life, I felt terrible that I was being chased out of what I had worked for, my refuge, my home. I ended up buying an RV trailer and lived in it up near the lake on some friends’ property. I was safe there, “Hiding in plain sight” about 35 miles away from my home.
But you know, just like David hiding from King Saul, there was a lesson there for David and a lesson there for me too. Material possessions, no matter how hard you worked fo rthem or how good they are are NOT what is important in this life. I realize now I could live in a cardboard box under a freeway and be content and happy, and live in the biggest finest house in the world and be the most miserable.
I’ve been pretty wealthy and I’ve been very very poor, and everywhere in between, but material lthings don’t bring security. There is an old “blessing” often quoted about “May you have JUST enough” and I think it is right on. too much material wealth I think tends to make people complacent and too little makes people anxious and fearful.
Anything we have from health to material wealth can be gone in an instant. Nothing\ but change is permanent and that’s a fact.
The apostle Paul advised the early Christians to BE CONTENT whereever they were. Even if the were slaves and there was NO hope they could become free, be CONTENT and don’t be discontent with what ever your lot in life is. I think that is very good advice. too many people grieve over things they can’t change, whether it is being short, or being poor, or this or that. I don’t mean don’t ever try to better your “station’ with education or wahtever or a better job, but what Paul meant and I mean is to accept those things that you cannot change. don’t depend on wealth or health or anything that can be fleeting but to depend on your own inner strength and peace. Don’t let outside forces destroy that.
I depended too much on my own abilities (arrogance and pride) rather than depending on my faith in God to run the world. Since I quit trying to run the world and fix my P son and so on, the world is still spinning, and I’m just along for the ride. All I have to do is do my part, and God takes care of the rest.
I learned to pray not for some specific thing, but to pray “God let whatever is best, in YOUR wisdom happen, and help me trust that it IS for the best even though I can’t see it right this minute.” (“All things work together for GOOD to those that love the Lord”) There was a time when I wanted my son out of prison and for him to come home and us all to “live happily ever after” but I never prayed for that thing to happen unless it was “for the best” in GOD’s opinion, not mine.
I can look back now, 20:20 hind sight and see that a lot of things that at the time they happened seemed like a “bad thing” but in teh end turned out to have been a blessing because something good wouldn’t have happened later if the “bad” thing hadn’t happened first. Keep your faith strong! Faith in yourself and in God. ((((hugs))))
Yes, I am doing my best, you know every since i was a little girl, I’ve leaned on the Lord for what was best. I messed up this time, I prayed He would let me have this man as my husband. OOPS. If it was not for my youngest boy, from this marriage, I’d beg to take that one back.
You just can’t know how much this post from you speaks to me…I started to tell you on the last post some things but then deleted it. Details you know, but your post spoke to me so well concerning it, that I had to go back and look and see if I had really deleted those things.
Yes, I too pray not for my desire, but for God’s will, because I do know that that is what’s best. But you have reminded me of some important things. I’ll be praying!
Thanks Oxy. Thank you so much!
You have really helped me!
Dear Heavenbound,
I’m glad I was able to speak kto your heart and say the words that would help to comfort you. Sometimes I felt so alone, so like Job, seeming that I had lost “everythign” but in reality I had lost nothing of earth shaking importance. I still had so many blessings.
I spent some time in 3rd world countries and saw so omuch REAL poverty—poverty where there was not enough food, clean water, or shelter, where paarents had to bury their children that had starved to death in a ‘city dump” and it broke my heart.
Sometimes I feel “guilty’ for all the blessings that I have, that we as a country have, a clean bed to sleep in—even if it was in a shelter would be more than so many people in this world have. To have even basic food, clean water, medical and dental care, and “we” take it all for granted. Losing most of it, even for a while made me realize a lot of things, and one of those things is to COUNT MY BLESSINGS.
Oh, I griped about the raini this summer, all summer, but you know when a bit too much rain is the WORST thing you have to gripe about, your life is pretty well blessed! I tend to focus on the things I wish I had instead of being grateful for the wonderful blessings I do have. I would hurt for the insults and wounds from my P-son, but in the end, this whole thing turned out to be a blessing in disguise, because other wise, my son C would still be married to the P-X-DIL, and who knows, she might ahve succeeded in killing C if it hadn’t been like it was, so I look back and thank God that IN THE END I am better off than I was before all this chaos and crazymaking. I am not having to deal with my egg donor, and my son is free of that woman, we are all healthy, and hve a roof over our heads.
That doesn’t mean that my “tuition” to the school of hard knocks wasn’t painful or paid for in emotional “blood” but whatever it cost, it was worth it, looking back. I am P-FREE. That’s pretty doggoned wonderful if you ask me.
Thanks Oxy for the reminder to take care of ourselves. The constant need to give is what makes us P-supply. But it’s a habit to keep doing it. Reminders really help.
Your point about people believing in aliens rather than the bizarre behavior of a P is soooo true. I, myself, wouldn’t believe me if I didn’t have recordings to remind me of what he said. I’m sure I would just slip right back into thinking what a great guy he is.
Oxy,
I’ve never been out of the US but then I’m glad I haven’t had to see such horrors, It is heartbreaking.
I’m afraid I tend to get focused on the things I wish I had as well, and yet I have so much…I really don’t know what gets wrong with me, I mean, I really have been so blessed, I have so much, I didn’t get it the way I planned, but God gave me the chance to enjoy it anyway and I’ve wasted an awful lot of time that I should have been enjoying and counting my blessings. God really is an understanding, loving God, if he weren’t, He’d have zapped me good by now.
You’re right,,, p-free!! That is wonderful!!
Thank you Oxy!! I hope you have a great day!
God Bless!!
Dear heavenbound and Sky,
It isn’t just in 3rd world countries that there are horrors of want, there are plenty here in the US, it is just that6 most of us don’t get a chance to see them here because they are hidden in more widely spaced areas that we seldom visit. But I think because we don’t “see” them every day we tend to forget that they exist, and so we tend to compare our “poverty” with the people we see on TV or the people we see down the street in their new home, or big cars, etc.
It is just human nature to think that way, and to mourn the “loss” maybe of our money, house, etc. to the giving it or having it stolen by the P–but we ARE blessed compared to many so we need I think to realize that, but also to realize that our possessions are NOT who we are. The Ps are hollow inside and material possessions ARE who they are, but we hve more inside us than that. We are better than that.
We should not judge OURSELVES and our WORTH by our financial state. sure, lots of people judge themselves and others by how much money they have or how “successful” they are, but OUR WORTH should not be judged (especially by ourselves) by WHAT we have.
I think the psychopaths are described in the “love” chapter of Corinthians when it ways if you have this or that and have not LOVE you are as a “tinkling cymbal” Without Love, no matter what you do or have you are NOTHING. That is the state in which the psychopaths LIVE and have their being. What they ARE.
We must value ourselves, take care of ourselves, because WE ARE IMPORTANT to those who DO love us, even if that is ONLY ourselves and our creator. We must take care of US and not feel guilty, and count the blessings we do have and the fact that we did SURVIVE the encounter with the EVIL.
I know it may sound trite, or trivial, or that I am just saying “get over it” but I’m not, it is HARD WORK to harnass our emotions and feelings to take care of ourselves, to count our blessings and recover from the devestation done to us by the DECEPTIONS we have discovered. To overcome the addictions to the fantaxy that we “saw” so clearly as “real”–the psychoopaths ARE THE LIE, just as “Satan is the father of lies.” If we have a faith that helps us do that USE IT.
WHATEVER a person’s philosophy is, whatever their belief system is, that can be a GREAT WEAPON in overcominjg the devestation that we feel. Our expectations, our beliefs form us, and if we actually BELIEVE we are “poor” we will feel poor, if we believe we are blessed we will FEEL BLESSED. Feeling poor and oppressed makes you THINK poor and oppressed. Feeling blessed makes you have a different pattern of thinking. Conditions may not have changed but your ATTITUDE will have changed and that will make all the difference in the world to how you think, feel and heal.
And BTW, I fall off this “positive attitude” wagon once in a while myself, it is human nature to do so, so don’t beat yourself up, if you throw a pity party for yourself every now and then either, Just work toward staying on that positive road as much as you can. The longer you are on it, the easier it does become, but it is always some effort to stay there. ((((hugs))))
Ox,
Timely article, once again! I haven’t been to LF in a couple of days and I sure have missed it! I draw such strength from this site. For a very long time I gave and gave, to the point where I was starving emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically and mentally. I had a counselor ask me one simple question:
“What are YOU getting out of this?” My life started to change from that day forward. The answer, of course, was a huge NOTHING. I was so used to making sure he didn’t get angry, so caught up in the games he played and so used to the “dance” we both danced to, I had lost myself. I started seeing differently then and I started taking care of ME and my son first.
Possessions are nothing at all compared to peace of mind. When I finally got away from him, I flew myself and my son across the country and had a place with an air mattress, a TV, some kitchen essentials and the clothes I had put in our suitcases. That was it. And we were happy! There was peace and my son saw only a happy mother. He didn’t even miss his father.
Like you, I’ve had plenty and I’ve had none. None of it means a thing compared to that peace of mind.
That counselor asked the perfect question at the perfect time and I’ve always thought God had a hand in that. I believe he is working furiously to help all of us.
I learned so much about myself and know today I can make it through anything. I’ve learned, too, the importance of setting ego and pride aside and asking for help. It’s why I’m here on LF. We don’t HAVE to do this alone.
I love all the comments on this subject. Thank you everyone.
God Bless….