Many people have asked Lovefraud to suggest a treatment program to help them overcome the personal devastation of a relationship with a sociopath. A friend of Lovefraud, Sandra L. Brown, M.A., offers a program for women who are recovering from such debilitating encounters.
Sandra Brown is the author of How to Spot a Dangerous Man, which was reviewed in a previous blog post. The book describes eight types of dangerous men—most of them are sociopaths, or partial sociopaths. Brown then explains how women override their internal warning signals and get involved with these men, even when their instincts are shouting, “Run away!”
If you’ve been in a relationship with a sociopath, at some point, of course, you found yourself devalued and discarded. He merrily moved on to a fresh new supply. You’re in a crumpled heap, a shell of the person you once were.
Many of you have asked Lovefraud: How can I heal? Will I ever be able to love again?
The answer is yes, you can recover, and yes, you can love again. Sandra Brown’s program may help you.
Healing retreats
Sandra Brown offers four-day retreats at her facility in the hills of North Carolina. The program is called Healing the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships.
First, Brown explains pathology 101—adults with personality disorders are hardwired to behave the way they do. They are not going to change.
Then Brown looks at the dynamics of a relationship with a disordered person. The lies, the manipulation, the crazy-making—this is nothing like a relationship like a normal man. The point is to help you understand that you were not imagining things. Yes, the guy really did lie to you. And no, he never loved you.
But then Brown helps you look at your own life to figure out why you were vulnerable to the sociopath. What did you learn in your family as a young girl? How do you view men? What was going on for you internally throughout your life?
Many women come out of the sociopathic relationship with post-traumatic stress disorder, which can be reactivated by future traumatic events. If this happened to you, Brown teaches self-care techniques and symptom management to help you in the future.
When to participate
The most beneficial time to participate in Brown’s retreat is after you’ve been out of the relationship for four to six months or more. “We are a good program for women who have figured out what he is, have left, and need some psycho-education that they did, in fact, make the right decision,” Brown says. The program then helps you identify internal traits that made you vulnerable, and issues from your family of origin.
The program is not appropriate in some cases:
- Women in crisis. If you’re recently out of the relationship, or if you’re still trying to decide whether you should leave, it’s too soon to gain benefit from this program.
- Women using online dating sites. After a relationship with a sociopath, Brown believes you should stop dating for a year or two, until you’re closer to being healed. “If you’re on Match.com, don’t call me,” she says.
Adult children of sociopaths
Some Lovefraud readers have realized that their parents were sociopaths. For you, Brown offers another program called Adult Children of a Pathological Parent.
Space in all retreats is limited—only six participants are accepted for each session. For more information, visit SafeRelationships.com.
Dear Enlightened, Swallow, SMTP and others,
I also had an affair with a sociopath. I have been spending much time soul searching to understand how I let that happen to me. I am married to a good man with unmanageable clinical depression. I am also taking care of a disabled family member and I have a child with some special needs. When I think of the stress in my personal life, I can partially understand how this could have happened, but I have a lot of guilt. In 16 years I had never strayed in my marriage nor was I ever tempted. Then I worked for this man with very few boundaries. He was funny and charming. He would confide things in me that made me believe that I was something special to him. As I got more comfortable with him, I admitted that I was having problems in my marriage and that I looked forward to coming in to work to get away from my situation. He started IMing me at work and I admitted to myself that I was definitely having an emotional affair–it wasn’t that difficult for me to take it to the next level and start meeting him after work. He admitted to me that he considered himself a sociopath and a serial adulterer–I tried to talk him out of it! How could someone so self-aware be a sociopath? It didn’t take long for his sociopathic tendencies to start showing in our relationship. He would lie about silly small things, he would ration out his attention and keep me wondering, he would never reciprocate my generosity or thoughtfulness. Just when I would give up on him, he would send an e-mail or meet me and I would again be convinced of his love. He could turn it on and off at will. I was losing my mind trying to understand him. I wanted to believe him, he created a fantasy world for me that I was completely addicted to. I feel stupid for falling for it, and even though I always considered myself someone of high moral character, I have had to come to terms with the fact that my morals are obviously not what they should be. I am trying to be kind to myself and take things one day at a time. I am trying not to let this ruin my faith in humanity. I still fight a battle in my head about maintaining no contact. I know it’s best and that I will never have the closure I need, but still, I keep wondering. That must be the sociopath’s greatest strength–they keep us wondering and ruminating ad nauseum. Be strong! You are all keeping me going.
“getting away with it….”
That’s seems to be a common statement by all of us who have dealt with a P. Although they are unmasked, they still get away with whatever it was that hurt us….whether it be scamming us out of money, exposing us to HIV, or just breaking our hearts, or breaking our hearts in conjuction with all the forementioned, they still ‘get away with it.’
Distraught,
You have a lot to deal with in your life and any normal person would be under stress in yor circumstances. I believe that ANYONE can be ensnared by a psychopath.
I’ve read so many times that they target vulnerable people and I’m sure that is true but it somehow implies that it is the victim that is lacking in something and needs to improve on themselves. All human beings are vulnerable at some time in their lives and the blame should stay firmly where it belongs – with the predator.
Keep up the no contact, it really is the only way to save yourself more heartache and mental torture. Remember to take care of yourself as well as others
Swallow
Women who have affairs with psychopaths are double victims- because they are tortured by the psycho and vilified by even people who know what psychos do.
I just blogged on this and I want to applaud teh women who have the guts to admit what they did– a psycho would never admit their sin.
VMpatricia and enlightened….both great advice. This sentence stood out too… “What I am still struggling most with is the pain of my ‘best friend’ discarding me with no remorse.” But I know that’s not true. Thanks for the great advice, each day is a better one. But they do still “get away with it” and that bothers me too. But yes, holding on holds you back. Amazing how similar the stories all sound and scarey too. Peace.
Swallow, holywatersalt, and SMTP – thank you for your kind words. Distraught – I worked for my S as well. Everything you said about his being such a package on the outside and, in addition, confiding in you and making you feel special – powerful stuff, especially when you are vulnerable. Mine was SO good looking, charming, smart, funny – and like yours, no boundaries. Made sexual jokes all of the time. Also, he was such a JERK. But after all of his confidences about how mistreated he was, I found myself excusing his behavior as being someone who was wearing all of his anger on his sleeve – poor hurt, misunderstood victim that he was. He was, with me…sweet, loyal, generous – blah, blah. I was special. Mine never said one mean thing to me in 3 years. What I didn’t know was that he was lying to me – that he was playing both sides of the fence the entire time, playing master puppeteer. He had me convinced that his mother had hurt him and every serious girlfriend he had had hurt him – even though he had been a wonderful boyfriend. His wife was just evil, of course. Now he is back home with his millions and this poor woman who is completely convinced that he is…three guesses… my victim. That poor man just couldn’t help himself. He was hurt by her controlling behavior and he fell for my pity stories and felt sorry for me. I seduced him. He even shared all of my confidences (which were not that bad, but he brilliantly took them and played spin doctor with them).
Holywatersalt. I do, indeed feel a double victim sometimes. In the thick of the aftermath, a friend actually said “well, when it comes right down to it – he was never yours…period, so…” So, heartbreak doesn’t count because it was wrong? Betrayal of someone you loved more than life itself, your best friend, should not be that difficult to heal from because the relationship was wrong? Having boldfaced lies told about you, being discarded and devalued, USED, should be easily gotten over because the relationship was wrong??? Oops, do I sound mad 🙂 Anyway, I thank you for that comment. And, Distraught – don’t question your values. You wouldn’t feel guilt if you had questionable values and my guess is, you wouldn’t have compromised those values if you had never come ‘up close and personal’ with a bonafide sociopath. They’re good – period. If you are remorseful and you have asked God for forgiveness, you have already received it – Grace is a wonderful thing – accept it.
Almost forgot.
Swallow – about your statement about keeping the blame on the predator. I recently found a book called ‘Emotional Rape’ – you can find it on Amazon, couldn’t find it in local bookstores. It helped me a great deal. It helped me come to the conclusion that yes, I have to own up to my behavior, my sin, and figure out how I allowed that to happen. I have answered to God. But I have also allowed myself to realize that I WAS a victim of emotional rape. I was used. And I will in no way accept responsibility for the horrible, subhuman things that he did to me. I am guilty of hurting another woman. I am guilty of doing something wrong. But I am NOT to blame for what he did to me and I have every right to feel victimized and to allow myself to lick my wounds and continue with the recovery process – mostly learning to love myself.
Distraught, just posted a comment to Swallow that I meant for you regarding guilt – but my hope is that it would help you both. I probably seem a little nutty today – made a couple of ‘post’ mistakes. Having a crazy day and hopped on here a couple of times in a hurry. My apologies. Ever have one of those days??? Off to get my eyebrows done – maybe that will wake me up – haha.
Holywater,
You made such a good point about being a double victim. To target someone who is married is such a clever ploy as it automatically entraps them into a lie and alienates them from everyone. What he didn’t bank on was the fact that I was so open about it afterwards and now he and the OW know that they have been exposed to many people. Interestingly, the OW is also married and her husband (who I have spoken to at great length) has tried everything to stop the affair but no matter what he does, she will not give him up. I think now that either she is a victim with psychological problems or she is a P too.
Enlightened – I have heard of the book and I will order it. It sounds very helpful. I have gone back through my life looking for answers and I know that having had a ?P mother who physchologically tormented my sister and I all our lives, I was programmed to accept bad behaviour and always saw myself as the one who was wrong. It is horribly clear to me now that I was such a great target but the upside of that is I now understand myself and am a better person for it.
We cannot turn the clock back but we can grow and learn from the experience. I hope in some way I can help anyone who is going through this hell by validating what they say. For me, having what I experienced validated was one of the most helpful things in my recovery.
Hang in there girls, the fact that we are here means we are the lucky ones that got away!
Swallow
Enlightened and Swallow,
Thanks for your comments–they really helped. Enlightened, it sounds like we met the same guy–almost! It’s very clever the way they set these things up for themselves. I was the perfect target, having never had an affair–not knowing the “rules”. He knew me well enough to know that I would never tell anyone because of the shame I felt. I haven’t told anyone except you folks–there is no one in my life who would understand. I’m sure I would receive similar comments to the one you got, enlightened. Something to the effect of: “if you play with fire, you should expect to get burned”. In some ways, I think maybe I deserve what I got–maybe this is what comes out of being deceitful–but then, because of this forum, I realize this is not an ordinary situation–he is not a typical individual. He too filled my head with his sob stories and made me feel like I was the only one who would accept him for who he is. His poor wife. He told her about a prior affair years ago and he hoped that would end the marriage–but she would not let him go. Silly woman.