Many people have asked Lovefraud to suggest a treatment program to help them overcome the personal devastation of a relationship with a sociopath. A friend of Lovefraud, Sandra L. Brown, M.A., offers a program for women who are recovering from such debilitating encounters.
Sandra Brown is the author of How to Spot a Dangerous Man, which was reviewed in a previous blog post. The book describes eight types of dangerous men—most of them are sociopaths, or partial sociopaths. Brown then explains how women override their internal warning signals and get involved with these men, even when their instincts are shouting, “Run away!”
If you’ve been in a relationship with a sociopath, at some point, of course, you found yourself devalued and discarded. He merrily moved on to a fresh new supply. You’re in a crumpled heap, a shell of the person you once were.
Many of you have asked Lovefraud: How can I heal? Will I ever be able to love again?
The answer is yes, you can recover, and yes, you can love again. Sandra Brown’s program may help you.
Healing retreats
Sandra Brown offers four-day retreats at her facility in the hills of North Carolina. The program is called Healing the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships.
First, Brown explains pathology 101—adults with personality disorders are hardwired to behave the way they do. They are not going to change.
Then Brown looks at the dynamics of a relationship with a disordered person. The lies, the manipulation, the crazy-making—this is nothing like a relationship like a normal man. The point is to help you understand that you were not imagining things. Yes, the guy really did lie to you. And no, he never loved you.
But then Brown helps you look at your own life to figure out why you were vulnerable to the sociopath. What did you learn in your family as a young girl? How do you view men? What was going on for you internally throughout your life?
Many women come out of the sociopathic relationship with post-traumatic stress disorder, which can be reactivated by future traumatic events. If this happened to you, Brown teaches self-care techniques and symptom management to help you in the future.
When to participate
The most beneficial time to participate in Brown’s retreat is after you’ve been out of the relationship for four to six months or more. “We are a good program for women who have figured out what he is, have left, and need some psycho-education that they did, in fact, make the right decision,” Brown says. The program then helps you identify internal traits that made you vulnerable, and issues from your family of origin.
The program is not appropriate in some cases:
- Women in crisis. If you’re recently out of the relationship, or if you’re still trying to decide whether you should leave, it’s too soon to gain benefit from this program.
- Women using online dating sites. After a relationship with a sociopath, Brown believes you should stop dating for a year or two, until you’re closer to being healed. “If you’re on Match.com, don’t call me,” she says.
Adult children of sociopaths
Some Lovefraud readers have realized that their parents were sociopaths. For you, Brown offers another program called Adult Children of a Pathological Parent.
Space in all retreats is limited—only six participants are accepted for each session. For more information, visit SafeRelationships.com.
Swallow. When my ex N frequently talked about the married women at work and conversations they had and admitted texting them as mates, I was ok/ish with that. Thinking that married women are safe (stupidly). When he told me that one of them (who was on holiday with her husband) had text him from holiday, I began to smell a rat. when he further told me an extremely sexual remark that he had said to one of them – I was beginning to see a game plan.
The phone numbers and intimate texts were all from married women. The penny dropped – not only could he have the satisfaction of using another man’s woman, he could have an affair in secret (she is unlikely to tell) without emotional ties, they wont want children and there is the buzz of the forbidden. Also the married women are unlikely to have other partners, so he has no competition from other males and can call on his prey as and when. I rang one of his married women and despite having his intimate texts to her in my hand, she absolutely denied that they were anything other than workmates. Had she have been willing to talk about it, I could have told her the terrible truth to protect her.
When you translate all of this into the streams of behaviour used by Ns and Ps, it all becomes part of a game plan and strategy (no doubt well thought out and tried out) and becomes so much more understandable. Presumably that is why he had different women at different levels of play.
enlightened – yes I agree – we were led to believe that we were investing in a relationship, when the person was never going to be ‘available’ in the normal sense. Although I didnt need it, he offered me his protection and he abused me, he is no different from all those people who prey on the innocent. As far as I am concerned, they are all members of the same group, just that some have different memberships!
Is anyone in the UK watching ‘The Woman Who Couldn’t Stop Lying’ on the Crime and Investigation Channel? It’s on just now.
I saw this when it was first on terrestrial television, before I discovered what sociopaths were. Now I find i stunning.
If you can, watch it!
Swallow and Distraught – there is another book that was recommended to me by my therapist “Shattered Dreams” – the author is Crabb (Larry, I think). I am still reading it – helps you put all of your pain into perspective in regards to God’s ultimate purpose for your life and the purpose of pain in our spiritual growth.
Distraught, I am so glad that you have managed to avoid the pain of public scorn – and if I had my choice, would have avoided it myself. But I want to tell you what I have learned about friends, and, Swallow, I would be curious to know if you had similar experiences. One of the richest blessings in all of this was learning who my real friends were – and the biggest surprise of all was that those that I feared telling the MOST were the ones who stood by me. I had 3 friends who’s husbands had cheated on them. They are now in my top 5 best friends. The one who is still married was the first one to call me when the word came round to her “Are you okay????” She listened to me, she supported me. Another friend, who was one of those outwardly perfect people – mom, wife, etc. who I thought would NEVER understand my ‘horrible deed’ surprised me the most. We went to lunch one day – of course she had ‘heard bits and pieces here and there’. I got teary eyed and told her I wished so badly that I could talk to her but that I had lost so many friends…She cut me off and said “There is nothing that you can’t tell me. I am your friend and nothing you have done could ever make me turn my back on you”. These were my two friends who came over to my house one day and we had a little ceremony. We de-P’d my house. Removed every trace of him. We laughed and laughed as we went through his things -boxed things up for goodwill. There was a box for trash. Some we saved for one year for me to wait and make sure that I could let go of when I had more clarity because this was very soon after. They took it all away. The point is, I could go on and on with stories of the surprises regarding who stood by me and who stabbed me in the back – and those who just went away, period. I found out how loved I was – truly loved for who I was. Distraught, I do NOT recommend exposing yourself so that you can enjoy this particular blessing as well :-), I am simply saying that there are more people that love you unconditionally than you know – I promise there are.
I still have most of my friends and in their own different ways they have helped and supported me. Like Enlightened I have stronger friendships than before. The few that I have discarded were friends that I always had doubts about anyway or ones that have decided to stay friends with the OW and P. One woman in particular hurt me a great deal as she was the ONE person I confided during the affair and had seen the whole story play out. After I started NC, she became best friends with the OW and when I questioned her one day as to why she seemed so uncomfortable with me when she knew all the pain I and my family had suffered she just waved her hand and said “oh I’d just forget about”. She then wrote me a letter saying there are always two sides to these things. I told her that either she couldn’t see the wood for the trees (completley blinded by the manipulation) or she was OK with her friends being conned and lied to. Since then, she herself has been cheated of money by the OW and yet she STILL remains friends with her. I understand now though that it is her who has the problem with self esteem and does not have any boundries.
To anyone who is at the beginning of recovery ( and feeling very fragile) I would advise them to be careful as to who they confide in. One, because it is so hard to comprehend the weirdness and bizarre behaviour if you have not dealt with a P yourself and two, some people that you think you can trust will turn around and bite you for no reason. Overall though, I do not regret telling my experience to anyone. Most people thank me for being so honest and warning them of what can happen and the others that attack are not worth worrying about. It’s a good way of sorting the sheep from the goats in your life!
Swallow
Swallow,
Your experience is so similar to mine. A good friend of mine who had an encounter with a P warned me at the very beginning of my recovery “be prepared for the day that people who have stood by you begin to ‘forget’ and you will hear about them socializing with him, making more casual statements in regards to what he did to you, etc.” Well, it is beginning to happen. I only have a few friends left who truly get that he is a bonafide P, see the evil in him, and will not forget what he did to me and they stay clear. I’m hoping that I will never have to deal with that changing as well. I have been praying about this and working on not being angry with these friends. Trying to remind myself that it didn’t happen to them and that makes it easier for them to move on about it. Still smarts, though. I also have to remind myself that I cannot control what others do or think and love them for who they are just as they have so graciously done for me and this whole thing falls under the subject of ‘let go, let god’ and ‘let go, period.’ The other thing I find hard, and I have read this on many other posts – even my best of friends don’t want to hear about it anymore because I should be over it by now. Some of them say this genuinely out of concern for me, but this is the tough part – I am starting to have to keep alot of my feelings to myself because, as I know you know, nobody can understand how these P’s get into our system – it is not a normal breakup scenario and there is no way to make someone understand that who hasn’t been through it. I am grateful for this site – I only wish that it didn’t have to exist. It sounds like you are doing well, Swallow – I am so glad. I have come so far, and some days I am so positive and seeing the future as bright. Then I will get blindsided by a story I will hear or some other trigger and I will go into meltdown mode. Ever feel manic??? 🙂
Swallow, your friend’s comment, “there are two sides to every story” or “it takes two to fight” is SO wrong! Yet, we are taught in first grade in school when a fight starts that “it takes two to fight”–NO NO!!! It takes one to fight and one to be beaten up!
As far as “two sides to every story” that is a total discount of what happened to you. Ask Charlie Manson what his version of the Tate killings is? Is his “side of the story” equally valid with the side of the murdered people’s.? Of course not, and for her to say that to you is totally RUDE.
Yes, even our friends “get tired” of discussing one subject, and maybe when we reach that stage it is time for us to at least “verbally” move on and not regail them with more information than they can handle. This seems a “common problem” with us (suvivors) and it takes a very very VERY special friend to limit conversations to our pain for months or years. Those friends are very rare.
Fortunately we have friends here that will listen “forever” if we need to talk about it that long. Hopefully, we can come to closure on it to the point that WE are “bored” with the story.
The being “blindsided” or “triggered” I think will slow down as time progresses. I know that I was blindsided several times by “parting shots” that they heaved over the wall even when they knew they couldn’t “win”—and now when a shot comes over the wall (NC) it doesn’t send me into a tail spin, I just handle it if it needs handling, and don’t get emotionally involved in it past doing “what needs done.” Hang in there, it gets better.
Enlightened,
It never ceases to amaze me that so many people just cannot see through them even when they are confronted by absolute proof.
I know exactly what you mean about even the best of friends getting tired of hearing the story. I think many of them genuinely believe that it isn’t good for me to keep replaying it. In some ways that is true and it isn’t healthy to dwell on things BUT they also do not realise how long it takes to recover from emotional/ psychological abuse and PTSD. I have a close friend who is a psychiatrist and she has told me to stay on anti-depressants for another 2 years! She also advised me to completley cut out any activities and friends who I associate with the P. That is difficult in small place but I have managed to detach as much as possible. The times I go into the rage/anxiety mode are when I hear anything about the two of them and it makes me almost cry with frustration and anger that they have walked away without anyone standing up to them.
It is so nice to talk to someone who has been in the same position as me. I had a few ups and downs on another board when I tried to defend a husband who became ensnared by a P. His wife was posting and just wanted some sympathy for her and her husband. Instead she got a barrage of replies telling her to dump him. It was quite alarming to read how intolerant some people were of victims who are married – as if we somehow deserved it or our pain is less!!
Swallow
OxDrover,
Thanks for your posts too. You always have such common sense comments to make. I know you have had terrible traumas with your family but you still manage to offer hope and good advice.
Thank God for this board where we can retreat to when no-one else is listening.
Swallow
All,
I am sorry to deviate from the conversation…but, I figured this thread is an appropriate place to put this request/comment.
I have always found support groups to be so helpful in my healing. In fact, it was through ALANON that I got the strength and courage to leave the relationship with the ex.
But, I have recently been exploring the possibility of starting a support group. I would like it to be based on an already established plan or step program, like the 12-Steps, designed to help survivors of personality disordered individuals.
In fact, we have a local 12-meeting house with plenty of space and timeslots available. I did get the go ahead to conduct an ASCA (Adult Survivors of Child Abuse Anonymous) group. However, the more and more I’ve thought about it, I AM MORE INTERESTED in setting up a group for people that have suffered from being in a relationship with a narcissist, borderline personality disordered, or other personality disordered individuals.
I have not been able to find a 12-Step program for this topic. And, I would like to not have to reinvent the wheel, because I fear I would never be interested in doing all the work required to do this.
And, I do have a number of women and one man friend that have survived relationships with personality disordered individuals, and they ARE survivors!!!! Oh my gosh…
What do you all think? Do any of you have any ideas, or suggestions? I suppose I could design a group, but, again, as I said, I truly do not have the time, energy and other resources for this. I can pull together, set it up, get the individuals to support such a group; but will need help coming up with safe content, guidelines, format etc.
Dr. Steve, Donna, ML…do you all have any suggestions?
Thank you so much in advance!!!!
Peace to all…be well.
Grace
Grace,
I think that is a wonderful idea! I had someone suggest my going to a 12-step support group, even al-anon, because the 12 step, in general, applies to all forms of addiction and co-dependency, but for some reason, I still felt isolated because I knew that my situation was so freaking bizarre and didn’t feel comfortable talking about it when everyone else was talking about everything else under the sun BUT what I was going through. I still think it could be helpful, but to have a group that was specifically for people recovering (or still involved with) someone with a PD would be a wonderful thing.
Swallow… This whole thing about friendships is SO timely. Amazingly enough, I still have friendships with a family member and a co-worker of his. It seems that no matter how much I tell them I don’t want to hear anything about his current situation, they can’t seem to help themselves. I have to accept part of the blame for this, because up until now, I have not been assertive enough about it and I do realize that it is partly because I haven’t been ready to cut the only dangling piece of thread that has kept me tied to him. Very unhealthy, but true none-the-less. I have had friends tell me that I am NUTS to keep friendships with people that are so closely connected to him. What has been so hard for me is that I don’t know how to just CUT somebody out of my life because they know him. “Sorry, so and so, I can’t be your friend any more – thanks for all of your support over the last year, but you have to go now”. How would you do that??? Well, this very week, some “s- – t has been flying, with people talking about confidences being betrayed between myself and these friends. They’ve shared things that I said, I’ve shared things they said (my bad) and he came under attack – it was all about his lies being exposed. This must sound SO confusing, but my point is, I am feeling dissention among the ranks, if you will and OH how the P would love this, turning us against eachother. BUT, I am wondering if this is the time for me to drift away – not try to correct everything that I KNOW has been twisted and just let it go. I didn’t have the strength to do what was best for me – maybe God is doing it. Does that make any sense at all??? Thoughts???