Many people have asked Lovefraud to suggest a treatment program to help them overcome the personal devastation of a relationship with a sociopath. A friend of Lovefraud, Sandra L. Brown, M.A., offers a program for women who are recovering from such debilitating encounters.
Sandra Brown is the author of How to Spot a Dangerous Man, which was reviewed in a previous blog post. The book describes eight types of dangerous men—most of them are sociopaths, or partial sociopaths. Brown then explains how women override their internal warning signals and get involved with these men, even when their instincts are shouting, “Run away!”
If you’ve been in a relationship with a sociopath, at some point, of course, you found yourself devalued and discarded. He merrily moved on to a fresh new supply. You’re in a crumpled heap, a shell of the person you once were.
Many of you have asked Lovefraud: How can I heal? Will I ever be able to love again?
The answer is yes, you can recover, and yes, you can love again. Sandra Brown’s program may help you.
Healing retreats
Sandra Brown offers four-day retreats at her facility in the hills of North Carolina. The program is called Healing the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships.
First, Brown explains pathology 101—adults with personality disorders are hardwired to behave the way they do. They are not going to change.
Then Brown looks at the dynamics of a relationship with a disordered person. The lies, the manipulation, the crazy-making—this is nothing like a relationship like a normal man. The point is to help you understand that you were not imagining things. Yes, the guy really did lie to you. And no, he never loved you.
But then Brown helps you look at your own life to figure out why you were vulnerable to the sociopath. What did you learn in your family as a young girl? How do you view men? What was going on for you internally throughout your life?
Many women come out of the sociopathic relationship with post-traumatic stress disorder, which can be reactivated by future traumatic events. If this happened to you, Brown teaches self-care techniques and symptom management to help you in the future.
When to participate
The most beneficial time to participate in Brown’s retreat is after you’ve been out of the relationship for four to six months or more. “We are a good program for women who have figured out what he is, have left, and need some psycho-education that they did, in fact, make the right decision,” Brown says. The program then helps you identify internal traits that made you vulnerable, and issues from your family of origin.
The program is not appropriate in some cases:
- Women in crisis. If you’re recently out of the relationship, or if you’re still trying to decide whether you should leave, it’s too soon to gain benefit from this program.
- Women using online dating sites. After a relationship with a sociopath, Brown believes you should stop dating for a year or two, until you’re closer to being healed. “If you’re on Match.com, don’t call me,” she says.
Adult children of sociopaths
Some Lovefraud readers have realized that their parents were sociopaths. For you, Brown offers another program called Adult Children of a Pathological Parent.
Space in all retreats is limited—only six participants are accepted for each session. For more information, visit SafeRelationships.com.
Grace, I think you have a wonderful idea. As I live in SE Asia I cannot help you and for me I have to go it alone except for this board and other sites as there are no therapists etc. here. If I had the chance to join a group as you suggest I would jump at it.
Swallow
Enlightened,
It sounds as if the vultures are circling. There is never one victim of a P; their poison permeates through everyone they come in contact with. We have to walk a fine line between talking and confiding in others and exposing ourselves to more pain and a smear capmaign. I indulged in ‘talking’ too and to be honest ( apart from my true good friends who really helped and supported me) I just got more pain and frustration. I did it because I could not really let go and was hoping against hope I would hear of their downfall. It didn’t help me at all as they have just carried on as usual.
You have a good opportunity now to withdraw from anyone who is involved with him. Take the tone that you are going to rise above the gossip and back stabbing. Anyone you think is indulging in this, quietly withdraw from them. If they ask you why, just say you do not wish to discuss that person anymore. If they are rude or press you tell them to mind their own buisness, end of subject. Do not give any further information that can be used against you.
My friend gave me a good tip. When I was trembling at the thought of being questioned or attacked she told me to imagine I was wearing a long grey cloak that I put on before I went out. As long as I was wearing it I was safe. If someone got to me I put the hood up!
Good Luck and try as much as possible to rise above the mud slinging. There are always going to be people who cannot see through the facade or who fuel the fire because of their own disorders or problems.
Swallow
“I did it because I could not really let go and was hoping against hope I would hear of their downfall.”
Swallow, that is 100% on target. I have spent the last year letting myself be subjected to painful information because it kept the lines open for my hearing those tidbits of his misery. Yes, I’ve had news of misery, but it has been outweighed by information about him being ‘back on top’. The man pulled it off – atleast in every superficial way you can imagine. He’s still stuck being him – and that’s gotta suck 🙂 That helps a little. But yes, it is oh so painful knowing they are ‘carrying on as usual’ and even worse, he BENEFITED by what he did to me – not in public, but at home. Thank you for your advice – I have already come to the conclusion that it is past time that I remove myself from the talking. What I learn (it is inevitable in this small town) I will sit on. I will from here on out be able to have the peace of mind that no one will be able to quote me, and I will not have that anxiety of being questioned or attacked, as you put it. And yes, it is time for me to remove myself from a few people, and where that is not so simple, I will make it clear like I’ve never made it before that I want zero information about him or anything regarding him. The timing feels right. Wish I had done it sooner, but I just wasn’t ready. If I sound confident, I’m not. This involves an unhealthy addiction of sorts, and this ‘cutting the last thread’ thing is scary. Thank you for wishing me luck cuz I’m gonna need it! I will keep my cloak with me at all times 🙂
The encounter with someone with PDs is bad enough, but the aftermath of smearing someone’s good name just adds insult to injury and is their way of finishing off the ‘job’. Since I left him 6 mths ago, I have kept a very low profile. I have avoided all the places we went, the people we knew and I even plan when to go out around the times I know he wont be around. I want him to completely forget about me and not cause any more trouble in my life. Although I am not really scared of him (I can be formidable) he threatened to break all my windows in my home and I wouldnt want my child subject to that. I havent stuck around or asked other people what he has said about me – because I dont really care – I know the truth. Infact I have cut off all ties with people whom we both knew who would talk, so that they dont know what I am doing, so he cant use them as information channels.
I saw him yesterday for the first time since breaking up. I went to a large store and he walked in (didnt see me) and I dumped my shopping and walked out. It still galls me to think he looked so well and has obviously suceeded to some extent in his ploy. Yuuuuck.
Beverly,
Well done!! You sound as if you are doing so well. Once he knows you are off limits he will go hopefully go hunting for a new prey (if he hasn’t already). Just be on your guard for him to try and sneak back into your life when you least expect it.
Swallow
Thank you swallow. I have good days and bad days. He will definately not be back – he created too much wreckage and he knows I would want explanations and he never reveals what he has done. He told me once that he NEVER goes back with ex gfs. I have no doubt he will not be back, I was too challenging for him, I wouldnt put up with his control and domination and he has written me off as not a pushover and not worth the effort. He found someone else really quickly (as they do) and had women (mainly married) at different levels of play. he had the cheek to put a message to me through a third party to say he had already found a woman alot younger than me and that hurt and still does. But thank you so much for your support – I value that.
When you think of that other younger woman, feel sorry for her – she is dancing with the devil and doesn’t know.
My P used to say to me when he knew things were coming to an end ” You can hate me but don’t forget me”!! Classic Narcissistic comment.
Swallow
Beverly…
Of course he looks well. Worry lines? Character marks in his face? He has neither, because people without conscience don’t worry about anything but where to get their next fix!
But they are hollow. He has no real happiness, either. It’s all superficial. Was it superficial when he was with you – no depth, no emotional truth or resonance?
It will be exactly the same no matter who he is with. Only the script changes, their actions never do.
Good for you, walking out of the store! Keep walking. He may have seen your vehicle if it’s one he recognizes and may have orchestrated to bump into you in the store. Even if not, don’t be sure he’s forgotten you. They come back years and years later, emotional vampires that they are.
GRace,
Many of the Domestic Violence shelters house many of the victims, but of course we know that many people who have been abused by Ps are not in DV shelters.
It was interesting to me though, that when my X-DIL who had tried to kill her husband, my son C, was released from jail after about 8 months, she was put in a DV shelter for about a week as she had NO where else to go, and in our small area, that was the only place the jail could place her.
My son D picked her up and drove her to her new place of residence and returned to h er the few things my son C (her x husband had saved fro her from their home) and she was telling D that the DV people had tried to convince her that she had been abused by my son (her x husband) and she DENIEd that he had ever abused her….a few days later whenwe had to take some few more things to her, she h ad changed her tune and decided that C HAD abused her.
Of course she is back to her “old habits” now and we are NC with her now, unless and if she decided to file joint income tax with my son for their mutual benefit, but it is up to her, we won’t beg her.
I have worked with people in DV shelters, and the major problem i see is that so many of them return to the viper they escaped from or they go find another viper to nest with. It is almost like they SEEK these abusers out.
To me, the only way to stop it is to educate the victims, and a support group for people like us who are not in shelters might be very helpful. Just like this group is helpful. EDUCATION in how to spot the predators, and validation that they are NOT ALONE and that they are NOT CRAZY or bad, that there is healing out there.
Teaching the red flags to look for, all these things are so oimportant to healing.
My son C is still reeling from shock, but because I am here to BELIEVE him first, to validate him and his feelings secondly, I think his healing is progressing more rapidly than would be expected. He has passed the FIRST hurdle, which is to recognize that he CANNOT FIX it, that he did NOT CAUSE it, and that she has no conscience or ability to understand normal emotions or to repent and change her ways.
In many instances society teaches us that “there is good in everyone” which I do not think is true in the case of Ps. Any “good” they do is accidental.
Because our “pain” which is intense, is not “visible” to others who are also not “educated” to the Ps and their abililties to devestate lives, we don’t get the community support and validation that we need to heal.
Many of us (victims) are also enablers or have “toxic and malignant hope” that we can effect change in these peopole, we fixate on the “fantasy” and are addicted to the rush of possibly recovering this feeling. Sort of like a slot machine gives intermittent rewards, we keep pluging our currency of love into the “one armed bandit of humans.”
I would try a modifided version of any 12 step program or an Alonon type program which material is fairly easily available. Many victims actuall over lap with the alonon groups since many Ps are drug/alcohol addicted as well.
Good luck and God bless your plans for helping.
Grace63,
Another reader sent me a link to a seminar about starting a recovery group such as the one you talked about. It is put on by Sandra L. Brown, the author of “How to Spot a Dangerous Man.” Her website is http://www.saferelationships.com.
Send me a note if you are going to go forward with this. I don’t know if I can afford to do this right now, but I would consider it. In fact, I plan to attend a workshop in the future. I am applying to Grad School because of my Bad Man experience and I hope to work with victims of abusive relationships.
If you want to contact me.. iseethebeach@juno.com
Imagine the worldwide network of support and recovery we could create springing from all the conversations here. We could have chapters under our screen names. HAHA! (please note: I am not willing to move back to Hawaii to run the Alohatraveler group… though DANG IT… I do miss my islands!!!!)
I have wanted this forum to end up on Oprah but at the same time, I have been afraid that the community would get too big if we did and we wouldn’t be able to have the “conversations” we have now. That is selfish of me isn’t it? I just love my community here.
Good luck with this venture. I want to do it too but don’t know how to begin and don’t want to get in over my head.. that is why I am headed back to school. :o)
Enlightened, Swallow, Oxdrover and Alohatravler…
Thanks for the responses.
I am very excited about perhaps getting a group started. However, I am almost afraid of how I am going to sell the idea to the Recovery Center, I mean, I would like to come up with a name for the group that will not scare everyone off, if you know what I mean (Surviving and Recovering from Psychological Injuries Caused by Narcissists, and Other Dangerous People….SOMETHING LIKE THAT????)
And, I believe I can gather enough resources, design a sort of revised version of the 12-steps; but, truthfully, even though I am excited, I am starting a new job soon, and believe it will have to go very slowly…I do like the site you suggested Aloha, and the ideas from Oxdrover…they were MUCH appreciated!
The information gathered from this site, and the How to Spot a Dangerous Man site could be the start for the books, pamplets, resources, recovery stories…etc. I would put out some money even to get it started because I know it would help so many people.
Would anyone like to collaborate? Feel up to it?
Hey…I saw the EXPsychopath today…and it was weird…NO EMOTIONAL CHARGE on my part, I was free of all the overwhelming feelings of fear that I might have felt just a few months ago. And, I go see him in court 12 March. I know I have lots of strength as far as support, God, and my own inner resources go! I finally know what it means to say..living well is the best revenge.
I did laugh, and remember what a friend said to me…that lunchmeat is a perfect thing to ruin a car’s paintjob…throw it on the hood…and, it rots right through…I thought about this after he was driving by and laughed…but, I dildn’t feel the deep pain, heartache and fear I had once felt…and I wasn’t really even angry when I thought about the revenge…it just came to my mind…me and my attorney don’t expect to see a dime of the money he owes me; but, I got this GREAT JOB…and for the first time in my life I will be earning in the 6 figures AND IT FEELS so great that I am surviving, have so many terrific friends, love, a great home, God, and so many wonderful wonderful things in my life today! Now…if I can give back…I WANT TO GIVE back, try to help someone else!
I THANK GOD EVERYDAY, even when I am not feeling good…that I survived, have my life energy and sanity back…and, have a fantastic life today!
Again…thanks everyone!
Peace