Many people have asked Lovefraud to suggest a treatment program to help them overcome the personal devastation of a relationship with a sociopath. A friend of Lovefraud, Sandra L. Brown, M.A., offers a program for women who are recovering from such debilitating encounters.
Sandra Brown is the author of How to Spot a Dangerous Man, which was reviewed in a previous blog post. The book describes eight types of dangerous men—most of them are sociopaths, or partial sociopaths. Brown then explains how women override their internal warning signals and get involved with these men, even when their instincts are shouting, “Run away!”
If you’ve been in a relationship with a sociopath, at some point, of course, you found yourself devalued and discarded. He merrily moved on to a fresh new supply. You’re in a crumpled heap, a shell of the person you once were.
Many of you have asked Lovefraud: How can I heal? Will I ever be able to love again?
The answer is yes, you can recover, and yes, you can love again. Sandra Brown’s program may help you.
Healing retreats
Sandra Brown offers four-day retreats at her facility in the hills of North Carolina. The program is called Healing the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships.
First, Brown explains pathology 101—adults with personality disorders are hardwired to behave the way they do. They are not going to change.
Then Brown looks at the dynamics of a relationship with a disordered person. The lies, the manipulation, the crazy-making—this is nothing like a relationship like a normal man. The point is to help you understand that you were not imagining things. Yes, the guy really did lie to you. And no, he never loved you.
But then Brown helps you look at your own life to figure out why you were vulnerable to the sociopath. What did you learn in your family as a young girl? How do you view men? What was going on for you internally throughout your life?
Many women come out of the sociopathic relationship with post-traumatic stress disorder, which can be reactivated by future traumatic events. If this happened to you, Brown teaches self-care techniques and symptom management to help you in the future.
When to participate
The most beneficial time to participate in Brown’s retreat is after you’ve been out of the relationship for four to six months or more. “We are a good program for women who have figured out what he is, have left, and need some psycho-education that they did, in fact, make the right decision,” Brown says. The program then helps you identify internal traits that made you vulnerable, and issues from your family of origin.
The program is not appropriate in some cases:
- Women in crisis. If you’re recently out of the relationship, or if you’re still trying to decide whether you should leave, it’s too soon to gain benefit from this program.
- Women using online dating sites. After a relationship with a sociopath, Brown believes you should stop dating for a year or two, until you’re closer to being healed. “If you’re on Match.com, don’t call me,” she says.
Adult children of sociopaths
Some Lovefraud readers have realized that their parents were sociopaths. For you, Brown offers another program called Adult Children of a Pathological Parent.
Space in all retreats is limited—only six participants are accepted for each session. For more information, visit SafeRelationships.com.
Beverly – I had the same realization one night after I broke it off with him for the last time…. I was always so worried that he’d made a copy of my house key that he used once to come over when I was not home. I started putting a chair propped under the door handle until I could get the locksmith here and spent $100 on changing my locks. I slept with my revolver under the pillow next to me in bed for several weeks.
I thought to myself – I’m dating a man I have to fear for my safety? If he has the character of someone who I fear, whether broken up or together… what kind of man is this I think I love so much? I felt ashamed of myself for making it ok all that time to be in such a relationship. Yet we continue to go back to them even knowing those ugly revelations.
I ran into him in the hallway at work the other day. We exchange a bit of conversation for the first time in 2 months. I was happy to realize I had no longing for him. There was a faint sentimental feeling, but I stood there picturing him with his likely newest conquest and I felt numb towards him.
Free, my apprehension about hiding the knives was because I thought he would use them on me! When I first met him I had a sense he was cruel and I didnt trust him at all. He looked like he had been in alot of fights, lots of scars etc. But as we carried on, he reassured me that he ‘doesnt hit women’, and he never overtly physicallyhit me (other than in sex) so I became more trusting of him, until his strange ambient behaviour started. What I didnt realise at the time, was that he was setting me up to mentally and emotionally abuse me.
I am astonished to hear of how you have been abused at the deepestl levels and over a period of time. I feel a connection with you and it pains me to read your story. My exN manipulated me sexually too and he was into S&M, something that is alien to me. I didnt weather much of it though, it did nothing for me and I dont count pain as exciting. I went through it abit, because I thought he might go to another party to get his satisfaction if I didnt, but I couldnt weather it. He was into heavy duty stuff and I couldnt weather it past about 10 seconds. I just saw it as him gaining permission to physically beat me through sex where no-one would see it. On one of the few times, I was left extensively bruised all over my butt and I made him go out and buy me some lotion. If only I had listened to my first red flag warning about his cruel vibes.
Also as I posted on another thread here. Yesterday, ironically, at the very day and time I met him 2 yrs ago, I had breast recall and was told that I have breast cancer. I dont know at this stage what the future is likely to hold, but apart from 1 or 2 friends, people dont realise how deeply being with the exN for only a short time – just over a year – has harmed me on all levels. Life was not easy for me prior to him, but it was ok and it was improving. For years I put everyone else before me and I was at the bottom of my own list and never moving to the top and I was just beginning to make some changes because I had not really looked after myself since he and I broke up. I realise that I cannot put the blame at his feet, but the intolerable stress and anxiety I have suffered during that year and since have certainly not helped for me. Now suddenly, through this, I have to put myself at the top of my list. Infact I am now the only person on my list! Take care. God bless you Free
free; i relate to what you are saying mine was abusive with sex but mostly after we broke up and i stupidly kept sleeping with him we would have sex when he visited me, he was very into it but he would never hold me after wards or talk to me or anything just get up clean himself up and walk into the other room then not long after this he just left me and went out night clubbing with his male freinds that night and probably pick up girls. this went on for a lon g time nearly a year and i let it go that way. then when we had sex he would not do things to pleasure me that i liked and he liked too when we were together, he said i dont do that with someone if im not seeing them, i felt like a prostitute i was very sad about my self then. i also slept with him once or twice maybe when i was pretty sure he had been with other woman he had love bites on him and he lied to me about it. now when i think how cruel he was and how he used me in this way i feel a shamed and totally stupid. everytime he broke up with some girl he rang me with this charm and sympathy seeking and i was there most times. now hes with some other girl a new one and i have vowed if he breakes up this time even if i am still single i will not be there for him not this time or any time. he totally used me for sex and that was all saying he was my friend, he was no friend he did not even go any where with me not for coffee or anything a walk nothing he just wanted sex stayed a few hours then left. no more not any more willi do this for him, friends dont treat you like that i shouldnt even be a friend to him after the way he left me any way but i was just lonely and he abused that. if somone else told me they did these things i did i would think how sad a nd sick theymust be but its me i did those things to my self . now i am moveing on and going to meet a man who treats me the right way and if i dont meet someone like that i will stay by my self . i found with the s path as long a s i went along with things he was sweet and charming and he did treat me ok, but when i started to question and i had the feelings i should, he got nasty and thats when he started to punish me. the new girl is young but evntually if shes got any brains she will see what he is really like. one thing i found funny when i met some of his female friends he went to school with they called him hef as in hugh hefner and i was like what ! he tried to brush it off and i thought this is not right somethings up here with this guy then lots of other red flags and warnings i did not listen to. he always played the innocent and made me feel sorry for him. then when i started looking at his ph bills he really didnt like that and i think thats when he changed his mind ab out staying with me. i dont look at ph bills normally but the thing is there is no other way sometimes to find out what they re doing. and looking at those bills shed a lot of light for me to work things out and realise he was a big liar. so now i try to respect my self and if a guy doesnt like that too bad they are not worth my attention then. thanks and good luck to you free and all of you.
bev; i too have been wondering about the new girl. she seems very soft and easy going just the way he likes it, not self righteous like me and not experienced like me either i thank god i was like that other wise i will still be with him probably. but yes i wonder i dont think he will play up so quickly as i dont think he wants to be alone really and will dig into her for dear life to keep her right where he wants her until he gets bored and doesnt get his way or she starts peering into his life deeper to find stuff from his past ie me and all the others. although idont think he treasts all his exs like me because they didnt question as much they just left him, but he prob punishes for that too. anyway i know he will take his time with this girl espec if shes got things he wants. and i think he s getting tired of failure it prob makes him look bad to other s his friends and so on. he once said to me every relationship is different, now i know he means he adapts himself to how ever the girl is different to be right for her. little things they say now mean something completely different to me with the knowledge ive gained. thanks to you all.
bev i am so sorry fo your news. i feel for you right now so much. i often wonder if the stress i experienced and the anxiety which withme was pretty extreme and all the worry whilst and after he left what was going to happen to me, i wonder if i was doing my health no good i am pretty sure i was not. it was me reacting but what was i doing to my body. this is another reason why i want to let it all go and only experience good things that make me feel good cause i do think it is unhealthy to feel bad and upset all the time. i really hope this is not the case for you and all of us. i love your posts and the advice you give me helps so much, i aM GETTING STRONG JUST READING HERE. my thoughts and good vibes are being sent to you right now. those bad evil s paths and n s dont know what harm they do to anyone. dont hesitate to write to me about anything i understand most of what you write even if my experience was different in some ways it was the same in alot of ways too.
Jules. Reading your blog before last just sounds so very familiar – almost like I had written all of it. My exN was very tired of going through and through failed relationships and whilst he is going through his mid life crisis – doesnt want to die a lonely old man, I think he has found someone who is very passive, probably naieve. Whereas I was reactive and on the ball to some degree. Like you I also wonder how many of his ex gfs have actually figured out who he really is. As you say, I think some of them have bailed out because probably he just seems obnoxious.
Yes, I think he has hooked up with someone who is probably less worldly than me, younger, complacent and ripe fodder, whilst he has her right where he wants her. I think he has modified his approach, taking it slower, not making over the top promises and I dont think he has moved in. He usually tries to move in quickly, and I think he has modified his approach off the back of me. the end result is the same though – isnt it.
free; that is so true always someone believing their shit. never no one even if its a casual fling or a girlfreind. i remember in one of our first conversatons on the phone when we first met he asked me if i liked sex , i should have known then thats not something you ask someone right away. mine probably had a lot more secrets too i onlyfound a few things, i used to work every second weekend so he had a lot of free time. if that man cared about you and your son he would make sure you didnt have to catch buses to work and school, words are nothing its actions that show if they really love you. they are mimics like mine said every relationship is different. i hope you heal your sexual problems why should they take anything else from us. thanks to you free. j.
Jules, is that you? I think we were on the other website together (for women in love with a married man), and I just recently figured out that my MM was a total psychopath/sociopath/narcissist.
It certainly explains a lot, doesn’t it? And it certainly breaks the heart in the creepiest way possible. I still can’t feel normal now that I know nothing was in this guy’s heart as I gave him my promises of undying love. I am so glad that I left him cold one day, when he didn’t expect it. He’s almost totally deprived of NS (attention he’s addicted to) and to see what he’s doing to get more of it is just plain sad and embarassing.
But here’s my issue – I’m totally stuck living where he works. It’s horrible. I have to see him every single day. Worse yet, he has a female friend who is also a total psychopath (she loves the games, feels NO remorse, and lives to inflict emotional pain and humiliation on ME). He, on the other hand, just needs to feel important, sexy and better than everyone around him. So he doesn’t get that she’s manipulating him by giving him attention, he just loves the adoration she deliberately supplies; she does it so that he’ll keep trying to hurt me, and together they both try to torment me in any way they can. The lies, the games, the gossip -it’s getting so hard to take. What can I do? They are such good liars. I’m totally stuck here. [I live in the Middle East, in a compound for Americans, and it’s small! I’ve got no place to run to get away from these psychos. The boss here is a total coward, always pretending real problem are nothing, so he gives them the perfect cover. All they have to do is put on the right smile, and they get away with ANYTHING]. Help, please! I’ll be glad for any advice at all. My career and sanity are at stake the longer I’m closed in with these people. I’m constantly on the defense instead of living my life as I should. Always trying to stay strong and together, but this means I get nowhere, all the time, I’m just holding my head above water, never reaching the shore…if you know what I mean.
Okay, I’m in a bit of a panic. Some days are better than this. But since I realized what a couple of Ps I’m dealing with, I feel scared, very scared, and trapped. They’re both out for revenge on me because I know their secrets, I know who and what they are…they know I’ve figured them out, and they do NOT want to be exposed. So they spend their time trying to hurt and destroy me with gossip, lies, abuse, etc.
Mostly I’m able to let it go and get on with my life, but I see the situation is escalating, they’re coming up with new tricks, new hideous games. I’m frightened for myself.
Please send advice if you can. Thank you.
STN
On the subject of NC: has anyone had trouble with not being able to stop googling the guy? Mine’s a total creep, really scuzzy, and intellectually, I want nothing more to do with him. But then I’d go and google him and the OW, try and find out what they were up to; I was doing this a lot, till it dawned on me that emotionally, it kept me in contact with him. So I’ve forced myself to stop, but it’s hard. Our ending was so abrupt, I keep wanting more information, but that’s only keeping me hooked in. The web can be a dangerous place with psychopaths, both coming and going.
Beverly, very sorry to hear about your news. How are you doing? L
STN. Feeling closed in by our experiences is a struggle. I have been there many times. In retrospect, I think, that there is always a way out, its just that we dont see it at that time. Often in hindsight we see it later. I would suggest that you try to get as much as you can and learn what this experience is teaching you. Secondly, I would find a way to loosen your bonds, look for ways to relax your situation, can you make some adjustments, changes? Thirdly, try not to panic. Take control of your situation and ride the wave. If all else fails, listen to your deepest self, and do what you think is right.