Many people have asked Lovefraud to suggest a treatment program to help them overcome the personal devastation of a relationship with a sociopath. A friend of Lovefraud, Sandra L. Brown, M.A., offers a program for women who are recovering from such debilitating encounters.
Sandra Brown is the author of How to Spot a Dangerous Man, which was reviewed in a previous blog post. The book describes eight types of dangerous men—most of them are sociopaths, or partial sociopaths. Brown then explains how women override their internal warning signals and get involved with these men, even when their instincts are shouting, “Run away!”
If you’ve been in a relationship with a sociopath, at some point, of course, you found yourself devalued and discarded. He merrily moved on to a fresh new supply. You’re in a crumpled heap, a shell of the person you once were.
Many of you have asked Lovefraud: How can I heal? Will I ever be able to love again?
The answer is yes, you can recover, and yes, you can love again. Sandra Brown’s program may help you.
Healing retreats
Sandra Brown offers four-day retreats at her facility in the hills of North Carolina. The program is called Healing the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships.
First, Brown explains pathology 101—adults with personality disorders are hardwired to behave the way they do. They are not going to change.
Then Brown looks at the dynamics of a relationship with a disordered person. The lies, the manipulation, the crazy-making—this is nothing like a relationship like a normal man. The point is to help you understand that you were not imagining things. Yes, the guy really did lie to you. And no, he never loved you.
But then Brown helps you look at your own life to figure out why you were vulnerable to the sociopath. What did you learn in your family as a young girl? How do you view men? What was going on for you internally throughout your life?
Many women come out of the sociopathic relationship with post-traumatic stress disorder, which can be reactivated by future traumatic events. If this happened to you, Brown teaches self-care techniques and symptom management to help you in the future.
When to participate
The most beneficial time to participate in Brown’s retreat is after you’ve been out of the relationship for four to six months or more. “We are a good program for women who have figured out what he is, have left, and need some psycho-education that they did, in fact, make the right decision,” Brown says. The program then helps you identify internal traits that made you vulnerable, and issues from your family of origin.
The program is not appropriate in some cases:
- Women in crisis. If you’re recently out of the relationship, or if you’re still trying to decide whether you should leave, it’s too soon to gain benefit from this program.
- Women using online dating sites. After a relationship with a sociopath, Brown believes you should stop dating for a year or two, until you’re closer to being healed. “If you’re on Match.com, don’t call me,” she says.
Adult children of sociopaths
Some Lovefraud readers have realized that their parents were sociopaths. For you, Brown offers another program called Adult Children of a Pathological Parent.
Space in all retreats is limited—only six participants are accepted for each session. For more information, visit SafeRelationships.com.
Lesley,
I thinnk there are TWO kinds of NC–the physical NC where we stay away from him, and the EMOTIONAL NC where we stop “renting them space in our heads” by trying to find out information. I think the googling is a form of self torture in a way, almost like “cyber stalking”—-refusing to EMOTIONALLY LET GO.
As long as you continue this you will not be able to heal, you will still focus on HIM. I know it is diffiucult to kick him out of your head, but you can do it. I have been there, believe me. But until I QUIT trying to find out about what my Ps were up to, quit obscessing about them, I could not start the healing process. Once I forced myself to do this, the healing started.
Wanting “closure” or “information” about “why,” I think, is a common denominator with the end of all P relationships, whether they are romantic, or otherwise…it doesn’t make any “sense” what their motives are, at least to us, we can’t fathom really what makes them do the things they do. Intellectually we can, but emotionally we can’t. It is like dealing with someone from Mars. Their “reality” is not OUR REALITY.
A lot of the things “they” do just don’t make sense. My P-son tried to have me killed to insure his inheritence of our family’s assets–if he had simply kept his mouth shut and not tried to hurt any of us, JUST WAITED, I was so in denial he would have actually gotten 50% of it–instead, his grabby behavior, his rancor, cut him out entirely so he will get NOTHING. Make sense to you? I guess not, but for some reason it did to HIM.
I actually think that if he had gotten out of prison and been handed $10,000,000 he would have started stealing within a month. None of the criminal acts he has committed were from NEED, they were all committed because he ENJOYED the “rush” the “high”—the predatory “chase”–even getting caught repeatedly and sent to prison didn’t “teach him” anything—except, I guess to be a better (but thank goodness not perfect) con man.
I used to worry incessantly about his welfare in prison. Was he being abused by another “badder” inmate? Was his life safe? Now, I don’t have a single thought about what he is doing now. How safe he is or what he is doing. I DO NOT CARE any longer. He is as dead to me as if he were in the grave. The son I gave birth to and loved IS DEAD, he died about age 12 or 13, and the man that inhabits his body is NOT my son, but a monster. Like a sci-fi movie where the alien takes over the body of someone…the son I loved is no longer in there. For the last 20+ years my “son” has been gone, the body inhabited by the alien monster.
The man you loved (the fantasy of what you thought he was) is just as dead–grieve for that death, but “peeping into the coffin” won’t let you heal. (((hugs))))
STN,
This may be dumb advice but is there a HR person that you can talk to. I think the one advantage we have after the fall is that we know what they are and we know what they do. Example: we know they will try to make us look crazy if we complain to anyone of authority. You know what… I think I am taking you down the wrong road here. It is such a task to educate someone about what a sociopath is. I think it would be impossible in the midst of a battle such as what you are going through.
Maybe you should apply for other jobs. I mean you must have had another job before you took this one. Get another. Get out of there. Wouldn’t it be great to just disappear off the radar. Out of site, out of mind.
Beverly,
I am sorry to hear your news about Breast Cancer. Hopefully it was detected early. Here is a video of my beautiful friend Holly. She was diagnosed with stage III Colon Cancer and she beat it.
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=hopeforholly&search_type=
Also, my housemate in Hawaii has beat breat cancer twice. You have all of us praying for you, I am sure.
I started at “Tears And Healing” as well. I read the book and it helped a lot. Was it you that said that you feel that you over reacted to things with your ex? I would say, I doubt it. That is your BM speaking to you. I was accused of over reacting too. I started to be very deliberate with my words and contained my emotions so that I could replay in my mind things that happened… and be able to KNOW that I didn’t lose control. This happened early on when he began rewriting history and putting his twists on reality. I used to say that anything he said might have a grain of truth in it but it had be repackaged to the point that it would be unrecognizable.
Also, isn’t it strange that several people on this thread talked about a sense of fear they had with their Sociopath.. some even early on? I met a guy over Craigslist near the time that I had found LF. I don’t know for sure if it was right before or after. Anyway, he was from out of town but visiting a brother.
We agreed to meet in a public place, then we went to a beach (drove separate cars). He seemed nice but he did have a sad story. That night we kissed for awhile but the strangest thing happened. Every time I closed my eyes, I imagined him slipping his fingers around my neck. I NEVER had a vision like that in my life. I was still very traumatized by the BM at that point but still… I don’t know what that was about. The BM never did anything violent to me.
Free,
Your post was so chilling and honest. I applaud you for being so open about something so vulnerable. Sometimes, I am aghast at the things that people have to go through. I just wanted to say that.
STN, I was in the exact same situation as you six months ago. I took the opportunity to apply for another job in the company – anything to try and get out – and to my surprise my boss (who I’ve never really got along with) said ‘We can’t lose you at the moment’ (it was a placement, so she could say no) and without meaning to I just burst into tears and had to explain that I needed to get out. The ex was freelance so she just stopped hiring him. He had had other victims at work and somehow she heard through the grapevine about one of them. I told her there were others and I could see it in action. I am SO glad I told her – though I went into that meeting with absolutely no intention to. Her failure to see me as ‘a woman scorned’ makes me wonder if she’s actually witnessed a sociopath in action herself. (Incredibly, the ex is apparently in a huff about not being hired again – has totally failed to put two and two together…despite the fact he seemed to be shagging his way through the company, and upset others! They really think the normal rules don’t apply to them).
Beverly – all the best to you – I’m sure you can come through this. You’ve banished that horrible toxic influence from your life and you can beat this disease too. Hope you are feeling well.
Hi,
Thank you for your suggestions. I am trying to find a new job, and FAST. But it’s taking time, I work in a field where there are not so many openings. I may just move back to the States, give up my career and become a waitress or whatever I can find, just to get away from here. And then I torture myself with the thought that I will have allowed these beasts to ruin my career.
I guess I’m also writing just because I’m so thoroughly disturbed by what I’ve been learning. I already figured out the patterns on my own, and figured out that the best way for him to learn about pain was to leave him cold, by total surprise, with no comparable NS available. I wanted it to hurt him as much as possible, so that he could get a little perspective on having a need and the technique of deliberate deprivation; this is what he did to me. He made me an addict by deceiving me, and then controlled me by only giving me what I wanted (‘love’) when I gave him what he wanted (submission). Catching him off guard when I left him gave me a chance to regroup before he could counter attack. I did that, never even knowing the name of this disorder he has. Anyway, I’ve cut off all contact (except I have to see him daily), and my life is getting better on the whole, but there’s trouble coming my way again, I can feel it in my bones.
The good news is that my narcissist is not very bright. He gives himself away to others without realizing he’s doing it, and he has NO idea when someone else is manipulating him. So people are starting to see that he has a problem.
I’ve kept my nose so incredibly clean since I left him. I only do what’s right for me and right for the people who have shown me, with actions, that they care about me. No one I live or work with really knows my secrets though, because like you said, it’s too difficult to educate others about sociopaths when they haven’t been victimized themseleves. It would just make me sound like the crazy one.
Last week my N tried to test my resolve not to speak with him. He spoke with me, just to see how I’d react, not to apologize and make things right, of course. I said nothing, but I stopped in my tracks, looked him in the eye, fixed his gaze and gave him a look that let him know what a subhuman evil monster I know he is.
The good news is that it hurt him. He was in a bad mood for several hours, but then he actually brought another woman into work to keep him company. Imagine that, I mean, everyone knows he’s married and he’s not ashamed of doing this. His only concern is to try to hurt me. It’s astounding how unaware he is of how this is making him look. After that he went into a rage, publically about what a bad person I am. People feel embarassed by it, and they really don’t know what’s going on because he’s probably the most beloved, charming wonderful person many of them have ever met (at least on the surface, of course).
If his psychopath partner were around (she’s out of town) she’d at least be smart enough to make him cover up these obviously idiotic behaviors. She’ll be here again soon. She’s more sick than him, she manages to have about 4 ‘boyfriends’ simultaneously, while she’s married and to convince everyone around here that it’s normal. And they GO ALONG WITH IT, AS IF THIS IS NORMAL! And get this, the men are all about 30 years older than she. Can we say issues with daddy? My N is her youngest, neediest victim. He’s only a few years older than she. I thought both were my friends when things started…I never imagined the sick world I would enter when these two became a regular part of my life. I’m frightened by it’s absolute ugliness and emptiness.
I don’t love him anymore, not after I read what a real narcissist is and see that he is one. But I do look back and realize that there were real moments of love between us, when he managed to let his guard down after mostly just abusing and manipulating me the rest of the time. One night he held me in his arms all night long, just held me close to him. It was the sweetest time I ever spent with him. After that though, he went right back to old behaviors. Shutting me down every time I had an opinion, criticizing, hitting me, flirting with anything that moves, dominating, demeaning me, pulling me in just to push me away, you name it. It was all there.
Funny thing is I think he tried to warn me. He used to say that ‘when this is all over, you’re going to hate me.’ He knew what he was doing, but couldn’t stop himself. It’s so sad to me now, because I feel like if I hadn’t let the affair begin, I might have had a chance at helping him. I feel like if I hadn’t let that monster in him who’s addicted to sex and domination grow, he might have been able to control his bad side.
He used to tell me, “I always knew I was bad.” “You don’t know the real me. I can be very mean, so be careful.” And he was right.
It makes me sad b/c I think he was trying to control himself, as much as he was able. But he lived his whole life getting what he could from as many women as possible. And now that’s the part of him that’s taken over, completely, and a huge downward spiral has begun to accelerate. I have so much regret that I contributed to that. I lost so much happiness, I lost so much time and energy, so many opportunities to have a better life.
Spirituatlity has been my answer too. It is for people who’ve been to hell and who know what the darkest place in the world feels like. The only way I can make myself feel better is to give everything I have to doing what I know is right, to dedicating myself to a higher path with 100% conviction. Faith in that is the only thing that makes me feel safe and comfortable anymore. Yoga is part of that for me, and it’s changed my life for the better, it’s the only active way I can bring myself together, mind, body and spirit.
Why am I writing all of this? Because I have no one else to talk to here and I just have to get it out in a safe environment, where people won’t think I’m crazy for seeing things the way I do. Thank you for letting me do that, and for caring enough to give me some advice. There are no HR people here, I wish there were. I suspect the boss, who is the only boss around here, is at least partly a narcissist too. He bascially just shuts anyone up who expects him to care about the living conditions here. He likes to dominate and manipulate too, and takes credit for other people’s work all the time. And guess which people all get along famously? Right, the man I ‘loved’ (my narcissist), his psychopathic female ‘friend’, and the boss. They all see eye to eye about me and my opinions. They like to cast me as the ‘sensitive’ one, who doesn’t really understand anything and who needs them to make it all clear for me. They want to be examples to me, teach me how to handle my emotions without outbursts.
Meanwhile they all know that I’m on to them, and what they are. It’s such a circus, such an incredible circus, with me as the caged animal. But none of them ever imagined how strong I would get, or how clever, or how I’d plan my way back to a place where I had control again. My N was taken completely by surprise when I dumped him (he actually had tears in his eyes as I walked away and has been climbing the walls for weeks looking for another source of NS), and I just outwitted my boss who had been trying to keep data that I needed in order to get credit for my own work. I tricked my boss into giving it to me, and it’s the last thing I’ll ever really need from him again. Is it wrong for me to want to see them all fall, face first, into the dirt, with me standing on their necks? Because that’s what I want.
Anyway, thanks for listening, and for having made this a safe place to talk about these things.
STN
Dear Beverly,
I just wanted to wish you well separately (I wrote too much above and you’d never find a message for you in that mess).
My health also suffered terribly from the abuse. Something that worked for me that might work for you is a total detox of the body and the spirit. Yoga has poses just for this, and for healing spiritual injuries. Beyond that, a detox diet for the body worked wonders for me. Really. It’s what helped me begin to look and feel like a normal person again, inside and out.
It can be very simple and not too untasty. I’ll just give you my diet plan, but you could always devise your own.
1. For two weeks or a month (you decide)
First thing in the am, drink hot water with the juice of one lemon and honey if you’d like.
2.Drink nettles tea all day long and/or the lemon juice in hot water.
3.Eat plain yoghurt with flax seeds, flaxseed oil and honey as one meal (tastes a lot better than it sounds).
4. Eat bean soup, with vegetables and natural broth for another meal (any kinds of beans, a mix, whatever).
5. Eat as many raw fruits, vegetables as you’d like.
If you can get organic foods and spring water to do all of this with, so much the better. I did it for a month, with a set back here and there, and it flip flopped my whole system, into one that was so much more under control and full of energy again.
Yoga every day, with real commitment, can work wonders. There’s a great website with tons of free yoga lessons and info. (do a search for anmol mehta’s kundalini pages).
Even if this doesn’t appeal, I hope you’ll find a way to heal yourself from the inside out. I wish you all good things.
Love (from one abused but healing woman to another), STN
Alohatraveler,
Your comment about him putting a “spin” on the truth, and it always had a GRAIN of truth in it, but was totally twisted.
Remember when you think about that kind of thing, that RAT POISON IS 99% PURE CORN MEAL. Someting that is 99% “truth” and 1% lie can be just as poison, but the amount of truth makes it “slide down more easily.”
STN, Thank you for that. I am going to start a detox almost immediately and I will incorporate your advice in my regime. it is very sound advice. I used to be very good at looking after myself and would eat sprouting seeds etc, but over the winter, I never went out and sat at home very down. Thank you.
EnnLondon, Yes, I got his toxic influence out of my life and as all survivors here know, it can be a battle on its own to do that and then the aftermath. My experience of things is changing quite rapidly at the moment.
AlohaT – Thank you for your positive support, that is good for me and I have had so little positive support for myself over the past 6 months, struggling through a crisis after a crisis, I really havent looked after myself very well. I think we all wish we had heed the first warnings. But we didnt and some of us are working through that knowledge too, as well as working through the severing of this type of relationship – no mean feat! I would totally support what you say about honouring those flashes, those pictures. I had alot of nightmare dreams when I was with him and I rarely have them. The first dream I had I never told him about. I dreamed that I had my laptop stolen and I found it in a second hand store where the thief had sold it. As I went to identify it, the shop staff told me that they had to clear down the hard drive and when they examined it they made an identification. They stuck a label onto the laptop and it said ‘This laptop belonged to a killer husband and an isolated housewife’. You can imagine my horror. I even asked him if he can killed someone and he flew into rage. I had more disturbing dreams. I dreamt that I was in a big house full of windows and that the devil who was dressed as a young attractive man, was throwing stones at my window. In my experience, every insight, picture, feeling or warning should be heeded and acted on. Now, my immediate action would be to remove myself completely.
STN,
It sounds like you are planning you escape. I am glad. I have had a very rough road back once I left Maui and landed back home, broke and shell shocked. I did not know I had PTSD for a very long time. And I had a friend that was calling me “obsessed” and “stalker.” Can you imagine?! After the nightmare I went through?! And she should have known better because she has studied the DSM IV but failed to sort out what happened to me. In retrospect, this “friend” has been toxic in my life and today I have been rumminating on that… and making meatloaf. :o)
Anyway, it was a friend of this “friend” that pointed me in the right direction after hearing just 5 minutes of my story. That is how I found that book, “Tears and Healing” about Borderline Personality Disorder.
I understand your vision of standing over them with your foot on their necks. That made me laugh. I totally get that. The cause of my “obsession and stalking” on the internet was that I wanted to stop this man but I wasn’t sure what he did to me. I wasn’t sure if I contributed in some way. I was so confused and also, I wasn’t sure if he had done anything illegal and yet it felt so wrong. I was afraid of saying what happened because I knew the things he would say about me would put me in a tail spin. In fact, after I left the island, I heard through a friend that Captains that worked for the snorkeling boat tours that BM and I worked for at the end, wanted to know if I could help them with any information to get him fired. They were getting fed up with his Narcissism. He had managed to get himself hired as the “Port Captain” which means that all the other Captains reported to him and they thought he was a… nickname for Richard. :o) Did you get that? Anyway, I was way too traumatized and declined to help them.
My point of this story is that it sounds like your Bad Man is starting to build an unsavory reputation for himself. People are onto him. I am sure they don’t know what is wrong but they know something is wrong. Get out of there if you can and then just wait. His reputation may close in on him, especially in the micro community you described overseas. As it turns out, it took more than a year but the BM is having more and more trouble finding anyone to play with. Maui is a small community. I am surprised that he has not been beaten to a pulp by someone’s big ‘Bra” (brother in pidgeon). I have also heard from a resource, that BM has been set up numerous times for dates where no one shows up. I LOVE THIS!!! He has quite a reputation on Craigslist in the islands and for awhile, he was taking an internet beating every time he posted an ad. I don’t know how he is finding ladies right now but.. I am currently in contact with a woman who moved to Maui, partially because of their online love affaird and is now being stalked by him. We have been emailing for a month or so and just talked yesterday for the first time. I have “met” some wonderful ladies over the web… just like here at Lovefraud. My dream is to go to Maui for a visit and meet all of his victims at Starbucks in Kihei and have him walk up and see me there with all these good women. God that would be BEAUTIFUL!!! He would run away crying.
Poor Bad Man. :o( He hurts me no more.
Tell your story here if it helps you. I read every detail with full concentration and attention. I know what it means to desperately need to be understood. Feeling understood accelerates the healing. That’s my experience anyway.
You are part of a network of smart, articulate, WISE woman.
Aloha… E.R.
The abuser is long gone but the fun just never seems to end for me! After I got rid of him, the police told me he had confessed to drugging people. I discovered my mystery illness was that he was poisoning me with prescription painkillers for the better part of a year. Despite his own confession, the police did nothing about the crime – they can’t without catching him in the act themselves, apparently.
Meantime people at work don’t seem to want to let go of the past. Even though it’s been a year and a half since I got rid of him, they remember the drowsy person who couldn’t focus and could barely stay awake. Every time any little thing goes wrong, they are quick to jump all over me. Even though I was fortunate enough to not lose my job, it still cost me my raise and bonus that year and I get passed over for promotions. I’ll have to change jobs and start over elsewhere. Also since he called me at work and threatened to kill me last summer, I really don’t ever feel safe at work or at home. I find myself wanting to get away from any place he was familar with, and wanting even to change my name to feel safe.
I have people who have encountered him after me who don’t get it and who think if they are ‘just friends’ with him they won’t suffer any damage. Even if they don’t get conned, stolen from, or drugged – there is a vast array of other trouble and destruction he can cause. There was him using my name without my consent or knowledge in committing larceny – which could have brought me accessory criminal charges. There was him impersonating me on the internet, which almost got me sued for libel/slander.
I live under constant credit check – my credit is still great, but I will never be able to not have a watch on my credit. I’ve gone through the process of changing all of my account numbers, just in case he decides to steal my identity later on – he had gone through my important papers box and noted my social security number, account numbers, etc etc.
Fortunately, I never got any STD, but I have nervously gone for testing every six months anyway and I was just finally feeling like I’ve gotten my life back in my own control.
Ha!
HERE’s the kicker. While he was searching for jobs, he had a couple of job interviews in other states. He managed to convince companies to fly him here or there for interviews based on his fake resume and completely fake credentials.
I let him borrow my shoulder -carry on bag for those several trips. I usually travel with my other bag, the pullman, so my shoulder carry-on bag has sat inside another bag for most of the last year and a half.
Fast forward. Here I am today, arriving in a foreign country on a business trip. I think nothing of Customs wanting to wave their drug-detecting wand over me and my things; I’ve never used drugs; Ive never tried drugs; most kinds of drugs I’ve never even SEEN. I’ve never even tried smoking.
I was thinking they would find nothing more stuck to me than cat hair and the melted gummi bears in the top compartment of my luggage.
Well then to my complete horror the rubber gloved customs lady came back with her wand and announced that not only my carry on shoulder bag tested postive for COCAINE but so did my hands, and even my laptop.
Guess who I found out after I got rid of him had a cocaine habit. He must have been carrying drugs around in my luggage. The microscopic residue of his poisonous personality just seems to be on me no matter how much I shower. Now i wonder how I’m going to get back home to the US. I already took a shower with my carry on bag and shampooed the hell out of it. Does customs now have me flagged as a druggie???
I have been wishing for decontamination and a haz-mat suit. How do I get something I can’t even see off of me?? I think I will go to the airport an extra two hours early when I leave and have them test all my belongings and see what they have to help me get home.