By Ox Drover
Dr. Sherry L. Meinberg, an educator holds the “world’s record” with the FBI for being seriously stalked for the longest time—forty years!—by a combination of her first and second husbands, who brutally beat her and almost killed her. Even after 17 years in a mental institution for the dangerously insane, her first husband, who had written her letters every day of his incarceration, came after her again, and found her.
Dr. Meinberg’s book promotion says:
Research now tells us that one in twelve women in the USA, and a growing number of men, will be stalked at some time in their lives. Over one and a half million adults are stalked annually, with the vast majority of victims being the average, normal, everyday citizen. Could one of your family members or friends become a victim? Could you? Find out what to expect, and how to protect yourself and loved ones.
When Dr. Meinberg was first being stalked, there was no such thing as a “stalking law” and police considered a man beating his wife a “domestic affair” that they should not interfere with. It was only in 1990 that the first stalking laws were passed. At this time there are federal anti-stalking laws as well as state anti-stalking laws.
Fortunately, Dr. Meinberg survived these devastating attempts to take her life and shared the things she learned about being safe from stalkers in two books. The Bogeyman, Stalking and Its Aftermath is the actual story of her life on the run and how she coped with these terrifying experiences. Her second book concerning stalkers is Toxic Attention—Keeping Safe from Stalkers, Abusers and Intruders.
The first order of business in a campaign of showing that you are serious about protecting yourself is a TRO or Temporary Restraining Order. Although this is just a “piece of paper,” it puts the police on notice that the person should be kept away from you and that they can instantly arrest him.
However, Gavin DeBecker, in his book, the Gift of Fear, states that at times he advises his clients, who come to him for help with their safety, not to get a TRO, as sometimes as the order infuriates the stalker and makes the stalker only more intent to harm the victim. So the advice to “get a TRO” is not universal, and depends on the individual stalker. Research mentioned by both Dr. Meinberg and Mr. DeBecker shows that about 75 percent of ER visits for DV victims, or DV murders, are after the initial separation from the abuser by the victim, and the great majority of those killed were stalked before the murder.
Though she does not use the terms psychopath/sociopath, Dr. Meinberg does describe in Chapter 6 of her book the traits of the “warning signs for potential danger,” which include all the descriptions of a psychopath.
In addition to Dr. Meinberg’s book, Diane Glass, a nationally syndicated columnist for the Universal Press Syndicate, who has first-hand experience with being stalked by her ex-boyfriend for years, published a thin volume, Stalking the Stalker—Fighting Back with High-tech Gadgets and Low-tech Know-how. I found this little volume somewhat helpful as well. It is filled with excellent advice on various high-tech gadgets and ways to use them, as well as just common sense applications of lower —tech things to help you.
A man named “J. J. Luna” is the author of How to be Invisible. This man gives practical advice on how to live in such a way (legally) that you are not traceable by a paper trail to where you actually reside. Though I am not sure why Mr. Luna, who is not apparently being stalked, wants to live in such a way that there is no paper trail to find him, nonetheless he gives some interesting information on how to keep your property out of your name, but still in your control. I found the book very interesting if a bit sinister, but since the things it advises are not illegal, and are quite easily and cheaply accomplished and are also some of the things the private investigator advised me to do, I think this book might also be helpful to others who are being stalked or worry they might be.
Those who deal with psychopaths who are likely to stalk us (not all are likely to stalk) need, I think, to at least be prepared for how to defend ourselves both physically and legally from stalking. None of us, I think, should totally discount the potential for violence that some psychopaths do have. Once you have seen this violence in a psychopath, do not calm yourself by discounting what you have seen; it might be a fatal mistake.
I have chosen to live cautiously, but not to live in terror, of my son. I think that realistic caution is something that all of us should be aware of.
Heather,
Ah yes, Cape Town….I spent some time in SA in the 60s as a wild life photographer, mostly in J’burg and Durban areas and Kruger and the parks along the east north of Durban. Lovely lovely country.
Glad that you are able to have a place to live where you CAN have an armed escort to keep this guy at bay but I do imagine that the authorities there are not really keen on women’s rights. Even when I was there in the 1960s women were not allowed inside the bars in the hotels, we had to sit in the lobby and have drinks brought to us. US was repressive of women (and still is in many ways) but SA was worse even. Not sure how much it has improved, but bet not enough, neither has US. Still police who are of the “good old boy” mentality about the “Little woman” who should be compliant.
I was hoping to visit SA again this year, I want so much to go back and visit some elderly friends I made in the 60s before they pass away but looks like this year’s trip is off, oh, well.
It is still a very chauvanistic society. In fact early last year a work colleague of mine passed away and even though he had left a will leaving his wordly goods to his wife and child, his family moved in and took possession, took a really good lawyer to sort things out – but tribal law still plays a big part…
The men do expect that their dinner is provided and they sit and read the paper while the household is taken care of for them….
I am happy to report that we are allowed in bars these days though :).
The kruger park is on of my favourite places on the planet.
If you do make it, look me up. I’m sure Donna can give you my email.
But you will find it has changed here..
Heather, I am aware of some of the changes, and a president who has 4 wives, and is building a McMansion of a value equal to the donation to SA from the UK….crooked politicians in all countries…and our chauvanistic bents are a bit better hidden here than your country’s.
I just hope you can remain safe from the stalker or that he will move on to someone else eventually.
I too am taking measures to be safe, but live in a rural area so must be my own armed escort or my son…but fortunately, I do live in an area were I’m not likely to be in trouble if I killed an ex convict who was trying to kill me.
There is a joke around here that “he just needed killin’ ” is a valid defense.
Have you read the story about the lady in Capetown who strangled her own son who was a drug user and abusive, then turned herself in and was let off? I have the book, I think her name was Ellen Parkes or something along that line, I’ll see if I can find the book. Dang, I can’t find the book, but maybe you remember the case. Terrible situation, but I sure understand her feelings in having to protect herself and the rest of her family by doing what she did. I am glad that the community rallied around her and she did not go to prison for life.
While drug use may make a person do all kinds of things, I also believe that psychopaths self medicate with drugs and even without the drugs they are still psychopaths. Yet many people seem to think tat if “john would quit drinking/drugging he would be fine” WRONG! In America we call them “dry drunks”
I have lost count of our presidents wives.. and the amount of fraud and rape charges against him or that he has been acquitted of…. lol! that’s another fact of life. We accept it as “normal”.. very sad reality.
My “path” has 4 other women that I know of, one in Durban, one in knysna, the “new” one here in CT (who I feel the worst for although realise I can’t do anything about it). and 1 in mitchells plain that he has strung along for 16 odd years (oh and his wife..). On top of which he was having unprotected sex with a prostitute in moz.. (and he still has saturday afternoons free to follow the one that got away!).
I’m just proud to be the one that got away. I don’t want sympathy, I just hope that some of my ramblings help others.
I wish with all my heart that his current conquests would find this site and recognise him but I know that won’t happen.
I also feel sorry for his 2 kids by his wife. His youngest has just managed to pass junior school and is now of an age where he leglally is not obliged to attend school anymore. his eldest is addicted to crystal meth with 3 illegitimate children. Neither of them have any chance in life.
It was this site and posts such as yours that helped me protect myself albeit at their cost for which I am truly sorry and grateful at the same time…
I have not heard of Ellen Parkes, but she is one of many..
Heather,
I’m glad that you found LF and that my posts among others have been supportive of you. It is difficult to cut the ties with them, but ultimately the only way we can survive.
I had heard that meth is a horrible problem in SA and that in CT especially the violence is terrible because of it. I had friends who lived in CT as missionaries for a while but they are moved on now to some where else.
A friend of a friend was murdered in his business as an “initiation” rite by a 12 or 14 year old boy into some kind of gang. Shot and killed in front of his secretary and wife. My friend who is an internationally known conservationist was also threatened.
I realize that SA has changed since I was there in the 60s, one of my friends was “disappeared” during those times in the late 60s…because he disagreed with the government at the time. He was a physician and he was taken in for questioning by the police and never appeared again, dead or alive.
There are some good things about the changes and some bad things about the changes….as in most governmental changes.
It is unfortunate that many times psychopaths rise to the top offices in government, military, police, law, judges, etc. There are many examples in my own country so I am not throwing stones at yours. I just read one on our president Teddy Roosevelt from the 1905 era who was a racist, murdering, psychopath in my opinion who violated our constitution and was responsible in part for WWII and for Japan taking over Korea and all kinds of mass murders because of race. Made me ashamed to be white and American. But he is not alone, there are many others just like him. POWER AND CONTROL, FAME AND FORTUNE. Queen Victoria was responsible for the Opium trade, and she was beloved of her country and the world.
Indeed. The old “apartheid” days were wrong, completely. No question. A lot of people were disappeared in the war on apartheid.
My ex used this (he is technically a cape coloured) by saying his family were evicted from Newlands, of course myself being “priveledged” white fell for it hook line and sinker, whilst it was a complete bollocks story designed specifically.
All part of his little pity play saga. Which I fully understand now, but didn’t at the time.
He’s a sad a-hole who I have no time for. life is too short to engage arseholes in their little chess games..
It really is about separating out the fantasy from the fiction and doing so in a cold, unemotional (almost sociopathic?)way. Understanding that while the brain makes a cold, hard, unemotional decision, it may take time for the emotions to “catch up”, accepting this and not beating yourself up about it along the way.
All easier said than done..