By | July 16, 2010 56 Comments

Helpful books for people being stalked

By Ox Drover

Dr. Sherry L. Meinberg, an educator holds the “world’s record” with the FBI  for being seriously stalked for the longest time—forty years!—by a combination of her first and second husbands, who brutally beat her and almost killed her. Even after 17 years in a mental institution for the dangerously insane, her first husband, who had written her letters every day of his incarceration, came after her again, and found her.

Dr. Meinberg’s book promotion says:

Research now tells us that one in twelve women in the USA, and a growing number of men, will be stalked at some time in their lives. Over one and a half million adults are stalked annually, with the vast majority of victims being the average, normal, everyday citizen. Could one of your family members or friends become a victim? Could you? Find out what to expect, and how to protect yourself and loved ones.

When Dr. Meinberg was first being stalked, there was no such thing as a “stalking law” and police considered a man beating his wife a “domestic affair” that they should not interfere with. It was only in 1990 that the first stalking laws were passed. At this time there are federal anti-stalking laws as well as state anti-stalking laws.

Fortunately, Dr. Meinberg survived these devastating attempts to take her life and shared the things she learned about being safe from stalkers in two books. The Bogeyman, Stalking and Its Aftermath is the actual story of her life on the run and how she coped with these terrifying experiences. Her second book concerning stalkers is Toxic Attention—Keeping Safe from Stalkers, Abusers and Intruders.

The first order of business in a campaign of showing that you are serious about protecting yourself is a TRO or Temporary Restraining Order. Although this is just a “piece of paper,” it puts the police on notice that the person should be kept away from you and that they can instantly arrest him.

However, Gavin DeBecker, in his book, the Gift of Fear, states that at times he advises his clients, who come to him for help with their safety, not to get a TRO, as sometimes as the order infuriates the stalker and makes the stalker only more intent to harm the victim. So the advice to “get a TRO” is not universal, and depends on the individual stalker. Research mentioned by both Dr. Meinberg and Mr. DeBecker shows that about 75 percent of ER visits for DV victims, or DV murders, are after the initial separation from the abuser by the victim, and the great majority of those killed were stalked before the murder.

Though she does not use the terms psychopath/sociopath, Dr. Meinberg does describe in Chapter 6 of her book the traits of the “warning signs for potential danger,” which include all the descriptions of a psychopath.

In addition to Dr. Meinberg’s book, Diane Glass, a nationally syndicated columnist for the Universal Press Syndicate, who has first-hand experience with being stalked by her ex-boyfriend for years, published a thin volume, Stalking the Stalker—Fighting Back with High-tech Gadgets and Low-tech Know-how. I found this little volume somewhat helpful as well. It is filled with excellent advice on various high-tech gadgets and ways to use them, as well as just common sense applications of lower —tech things to help you.

A man named “J. J. Luna” is the author of How to be Invisible. This man gives practical advice on how to live in such a way (legally) that you are not traceable by a paper trail to where you actually reside. Though I am not sure why Mr. Luna, who is not apparently being stalked, wants to live in such a way that there is no paper trail to find him, nonetheless he gives some interesting information on how to  keep your property out of your name, but still in your control. I found the book very interesting if a bit sinister, but since the things it advises are not illegal, and are quite easily and cheaply accomplished and are also some of the things the private investigator advised me to do, I think this book might also be helpful to others who are being stalked or worry they might be.

Those who deal with psychopaths who are likely to stalk us (not all are likely to stalk) need, I think, to at least be prepared for how to defend ourselves both physically and legally from stalking. None of us, I think, should totally discount the potential for violence that some psychopaths do have. Once you have seen this violence in a psychopath, do not calm yourself by discounting what you have seen; it might be a fatal mistake.

I have chosen to live cautiously, but not to live in terror, of my son. I think that realistic caution is something that all of us should be aware of.

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super chic

Thank you for letting us know about these books. When my friend was beng stalked many years ago there really wasn’t much help from the police. We hear too many stories on the news, constantly, of a man or a woman being so outraged that their significant other split up with them… that they stalk them, and usually by the time it is on the news… they have committed murder… and as you know, sometimes they even include their children in the violence. I hope that women and men who are going through this, and are looking for some kind of help… find this article and get the books!!!

Ox Drover

Chic, as you know, there are many forms of “stalking” but most of the (mainly) women who are killed by their lovers WERE STALKED first.

Most of the murders, I read, were done at about the time of the beak up and were not “sudden outbursts” but were the result of stalking and deliberate decisions to kill or seriously injure.

Each person’s situation is a bit different, but there ARE ways to keep yourself safer, but if a stalker is DETERMINED to get to you it is easier for them to do so than we would like to beliebve.

Since laws against stalking were only formulated and passed about 20 years ago in the US, and some cops/law-enforcement etc still think along the lines of “it is just a domestic dispute” rather than to see and realize that this is a CRIME and also VIOLENT crime we must be PRO ACTIVE in protecting ourselves.

When Seconds count, cops are only MINUTES AWAY.

Dr. Meinberg gives examples of women whose stalkers were very determined to find them and DID find and kill them, so it does behoove us to assess the situation well, and then to take whatever things are necessary to keep ourselves safe.

Though she didn’t use the words Psycho/socio-path, Meinberg describes the traits completely and well. She married young to a psychopath who was also probably mentally ill, and then when she finally got away from him alive (barely) married another one straight away. Between the two of them her story could have been here on LF and she would have FIT RIGHT IN.

Third time is “charm” and she married again and was happy and productive, still she was stalked. Fortunately her last husband was very supportive. Several times though they were in “hiding” her first and second X husbands were pulled out of their yard by police even well into the third decade of her stalking troubles.

Gavin deBecker’s book, “The Gift of Fear” is also a very good book about how we can and should keep ourselves safe and sane by listening to our guts and intuition. Mr. deBecker was a childhood victim of a VERY violent abusive mother. He DOES understand the roles of the victim and the abusers as well. His livelyhood is in keeping others safe and consulting for individuals and governments on safety.

No matter how grave the risk to our safety is, we must not, however, live in TERROR, but take reasonable precautions.


Just a few days ago here in my town there was a murder suicide.. the woman was being stalked and threatened by a x bf for months, was hiding in a hotel when the vpo was served on him – he found her, killed her, then himself…


Ox gave good advice by recommending JJ Luna’s Book, How to be invisible.

Worth looking into.

These stories make me crazy. What does it take for the legal/ justice system to catch up with the fact that letting these wackos loose to get another victim just ain’t IT.

Wanna bet ANY of us were the first victim of a SPATH? Somebody turned ’em loose and in the case it was people who were paid to keep an eye on them, well, I just don’t think that’s a good job. Not at all.


silver – by my calculations i am the 750th victim of my spath. welcome to hell folks.

(that’s 30+ years of spathing x 5cons per year x 5 people per con. having adjusted up and down for post and pre internet)

El Hefe de Bomberos

To say that a TRO “might” infuriate a stalker misses the entire point. OxDrover is correct in the assertion that “when seconds count, the cops are only minutes away.” In these situations you MUST be prepared to protect yourself with, up to and including, deadly force if necessary. The role a TRO plays in this scenario is vital.

In the event you need to protect your life using deadly force, the TRO (for the most part and in most all jurisdictions) is your protection against a post shooting prosecution.

A TRO is a judge’s permission to do what is necessary to protect yourself if attacked. It is not a permit to hunt the person stalking you, but it is a “get out of jail free” card IF it were to become necessary to protect your life, or the life of another in the same location as you when a predator comes to your location to do you great physical harm or take your life.

Ox Drover

Dear El Hefe,

Good point about a TRP or PPO being a “get out of jail free” card if you must protect yourself with wounding or killing force when your stalker catches up to you.

Dr. Gavin deBecker is the one though who made the point that some stalkers will be so angered or insensed by a TRO that it will make them more prone to go after you with deadly force, so knowing your stalker is important and WHAT motivates him. Does he know you personally, or is he a wanna be lover that you really never had as realationship with, or is this from some other motive.

I’ve got no problems with my stalkers as A)the X-DIL doesn’t intend to go back to jail/prison. She’ll leave me alone.
B) the Trojan Horse Psychopath, who is a convicted three times sex offender ex-convict on parole, known to our local police, knows we are armed and would shoot first, and ask questions later, and knows that the local law enforcement doesn’t like him at all. So I’m not concerned with them at all.

My P son, if he ever got out would come after me, and if he didn’t get out but had enough money to pay someone else to do it would send someone. Problem is I have NO idea who that person would be except it would most likely be a former texas inmate or relative of one that he knew in prison paid to help their buddy.


Interestikngly enough, the Trojan Horse Psychopath who had 15 pages of felony records including 3 separate sex offenses with children, and robbery HAD BROKEN EVERY PAROLE HE WAS EVER ON. The Texas dept of Justice DID keep him inside to the last day though. He got NO parole on his last release….;which he went from prison directly to freedom. He is on parole now, but not for much longer./

My P son jumped EVERY parole OR VIOLATED every parole/probation he ever got so I have NO confidence he will adnere to any probation he gets or parole. If and when he ever gets out, I will do my best to make sure he is limited to Texas ONLY and not allowed to legally travel, AND to wear an ankle monitor and then I will probably disappear off the “easily found” list.


I have a question. I have been involved with a man for over a year who is obsessed with the idea of losing me. My ex is an N/S/P, so I am scared of any red flags that I see. The man that I am seeing has followed me and if he can’t get me on the phone, tries every minute until he does reach me. When this happens, he becomes very upset and tells me that he is worried about me and when I don’t answer he thinks that something has happened to me. Sometimes he will show up at my house when I don’t get to his calls. I could be in the shower, on another call, or at a movie with my sons. I am afraid to even talk to any man on the phone or on my email, even if he is a friend, because this man ALWAYS knows!
He has wonderful qualities and everything is great as long as I am HIS. My family doesn’t want him around because they know about his stalking. He has never threatened me, but he can become very intimidating when he finds out that I have had contact with an old friend, or when he can’t reach me.
He is an only child and his mother raised him on her own. He was married and has a daughter with whom he is very close to. He also is “protective” of them.
My question is this: Is he someone that I should be worried about? I fled for my life when I left my ex. I don’t want to be afraid for my life again.

Ox Drover

Dear Jfog1,

Glad to see you back!

This man is a CLASSIC controller/stalker, and yes, I would RUN not walk away from him. This is NOT normal “concerned” behavior. “he becomes very upset” “I am afraid to even talk to any man on the phone,….even if he is just a friend..because this man always KNOWS”—he may have a key logger on your computer or tap on your phone.

I would TELL him that “this isn’t working out for me” NO “REASONS” just “IT IS NOT WORKING” and then go NC, and TELL him it is going to be NC. So that he isn’t “surprised” by you just dropping him. I would be WITH someone else in a PUBLIC PLACE when I told him this as well SO THAT YOU HAVE A WITNESS.

Just repeat over and over “NO, John, this is not working out for me.” REPEAT AND REPEAT for a time or two and then say “Well, I must go now. I hope you will have a good life. Please DO NOT contact me again. I will not change my mind.”

Then go NO contact. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA, NIL, and block him from your phone or change the number, get your computer checked for key loggers or other software. Do not answer any e mails (block him if you can) but print them out and keep them for reference if he starts to stalk you.

Change the locks to your house our ANY other keys he has had access to. Add dead bolts to your house and have a check in system with a neighbor or friend. If your kids are old enough the same with them. Tell them they are NOT to open the door if he shows up at your house. If he does, do not answer the door yourself. Pull blinds down so no one can see inside your house. Park your car inside if you can, get a locking gas cap and keep porch lights on if necessary or if you are able. BE CAREFUL.

Keep us informed Jfog1. BTW Sure glad to see you back! (((hugs))))

Then, take care until he finds a new victim.


Thank you Ox Drover for the warm welcome back and the (((hugs))).
The thing about (I’ll call him Bart) is that he can be so giving and caring. He tells me that he loves me at least twenty times a day. He has helped me out financially with out my asking, and has given my son’s generous gifts. I am planning to pay him back every penny that he has given me. I was left in a financial bind when I left my now ex N/S/P. I can barely make it each month.
One time, “Bart” had all of the symptoms of a heart attack, and wanted me to drive him to the hospital, which was nearby.
Because of his history of having had bypass surgery when he was 40, the ER Dr. wanted him admitted to CCU.
He signed out against medical advice. I was up until 4:00am and had to get up at 6:30 for work. All of this was because I had told him that I thought that it would be better if we didn’t see each other. We were together another time when I had to have an out-patient proceedure, and he checked my cell phone and discovered that another man had been in contact with me. This man is only a friend. “Bart” started crying in the waiting room and asked how I could do this to him. He also checks my voicemail from his phone. I have changed the password and somehow he finds out what it is.
The last time I told him that I didn’t want to see him anymore because of all of his accusations, he called that night crying. It turned out that his father had died (he had no relationship with his father until his father was hosptilized four months ago. ) He went to see him twice. His father left him and his mother when “Bart” was two months old. “Bart paid for the entire funeral. His mother begged me to go with her as she didn’t want to be there alone. I went, and now “Bart” feels like the relationship is back where it was. He is so insecure. He even wrote a letter to me telling me that he didn’t know if he could go on if he didn’t have me. He gave this to me before he left to take his daughter on a cruise last week. He told me that he couldn’t bare the idea of my being with another man-being touched by someone else,etc..
I know that he manipulates me, yet I feel powerless.
On an unrelated note, my first husband, who is a substance abuser, is harrassing the N/S/P second husband, because of the money that was lost. My first husband feels that he is somehow entitled to some of it because he had to drive to work for twenty one years. He doesn’t care that he is messing with a dangerous man who will retaliate against me!
I know that this sounds like a soap opera, but this is all true. Both of these jerks make six figures and I am struggling. Go figure!
(((Hugs to you)))

Ox Drover

Dear Jfog,

I stand by what I said, this man is manipulating you with the pity ploy and with giving you “help”—but the help is a DOWN PAYMENT ON CONTROL, it is not a gift or even a loan, it is for CONTROL.

“Barely making it” is tough, believe me I definitely know that. The only reason my lights are burning and my AC running is because I don’t owe anyone anything, if I had to live on my income, I’d be living in a tent or my RV and burning candles….

But I found that for me, independence, even if it means living in a tent or cardboard box and eating out of a dumpster is better to me than living in a palace with someone controlling my life.

The Bible says a crust of bread eaten in peace is better than a feast eaten with contention. If that relationship isn’t contentious I don’t think you would be here….

Frankly, Scarlet, you ARE powerless because you GIVE HIM the power to control you….it takes energy to stand up and take back your power, but you can do it WHEN YOU ARE READY! (((hugs)))) and my prayers for your peace.


Tips for Stalking Victims

There is some excellent information on the above site.
All of us should read.

Also, the links….check out those too…..they lead you to more valuable information.

Some we know….some knew to me…..


Tips for Stalking Victims

There is some excellent information on the above site.
All of us should read.

Also, the links”.check out those too”..they lead you to more valuable information.

Some we know”.some new to me”..


Good points here – in my country lots of murders have happened AFTER the woman got a restraining order (protection order). It does in one sense put the police on alert, but in my country there are conditions attached to the order that affect the abuser ie they cannot have firearms, they must attend counselling for anger management etc. I took one out many years ago against an ex who had threatened myself and my family. He contested it as he liked hunting and didn’t want to be banned from owning guns. We had to go to court and his employer lied on oath for him so the order was overturned – waste of time and money really.

On Gavin de Becker’s site is a MOSAIC threat assessment tool where you answer questions about the relationship and it gives you an indication of the risk for serious violence. I filled it out about the psycho shortly after we split and was shocked to see that even though he had never raised a hand to me, the threat was at the highest possible level. A history of overt physical violence is not a prerequisite for violence at the end of the relationship. The tool takes into account other more subtle forms of violence such as destruction of property as a symbolic attack and ambient psychological abuse.

I’m really glad that at the end of the relationshit, I called the psycho what he is. I screamed at him that I knew his secret and he better leave me alone or I’d reveal his disorder to everyone and anyone who’d listen. This threatened him somewhat and he pretty much remained no contact apart from a few isolated incidents via lawyers. I know this is not recommended in literature on abuse, but I think it made clear to him I knew what he was and wouldn’t put up with any more manipulation.

I feel really bad for anyone being stalked at the end of the abuse … the abuse itself is a bad enough thing without having to worry about your own safety.

Ox Drover

Dear Polly,

Thanks for that information about DeBecker’s site. I actually didn’t look at his web site.

Statistically the time that a woman is most at risk is at the time or shortly after she leaves a lover/husband etc. That isn’t always the case, but many times it is. Some of them will NOT let go and some seem to lose interest.

My son will never lose interest in me and revenging himself on me. I have NO doubt about that. It is a CONTROL issue, he cannot stand to have EVER been “bested” in anything by anyone, and I have “bested” him a time or two and he has never forgiven me for that. I think his rage at me had babies! Or grew up to be the size of an iceberg!

The other Ps the X-BF, the X-DIL and the Trojan horse Psychopath I think have no “love” for me at all, as in one case I embarassed him and in the other their hatred of me and my family ended up putting them in jail when their little plan to kill me failed and Plan B didn’t go off as planned either and they got caught. LOL So actually it is ALL MY FAULT after all for not being cooperative so they could kill me and make it look like suicide.

I may be capable of homicide but NEVER SUICIDE! NEVER! I wouldn’t do that to the people I love.

I’m glad you feel safe Polly. Sometimes with SOME of them a threat will work, but with others, it just eggs them on.

With the X-DIL and the Trojan Horse P–they are both cowards really and they do not want to be in a “gun FIGHT” where the other person is armed, they are the sneak up on an unarmed person and shoot them in the back types—but both of them know me, and know (1) I am NOT a push over (2) know I stay armed and ready and (3) if either of them violate no contact orders and show up here, I will do whatever is indicated to protect myself.

They also know that catching me alone without an armed body guard is also almost impossible unless you watch me 24/7 which is difficult to do considering where I live.


Now Oxy you should have been a good gal and just taken the murder as it should have been delivered. Of course it’s your fault he;s in jail – if you had just died as you should have then everything would have been fine!

Crazy logic Oxy!!! Crazy!

I was really shocked at the high threat rating from the MOSAIC tool as my ex never punched or slapped me. He did utilise psychological, emotional, sexual and financial abuse against me and this tool takes all of that into account. When I first split and ended it I was seriously worried about my safety – he looked at me with such hatred in his eyes all the time. I wondered also if he’d set fire to the house just to spite me. Instead he took the coward’s route of slander behind my back in an attempt to destroy my reputation and character … but people are starting to see through his lies now.

In your situation, I think you’re right to be forearmed – you could have died. That’s way more serious than a few nasty rumours flying around the place. If I was in a situation with a violent stalker, I would shoot first and ask questions later. You can get pizza quicker than the police here! One in the ceiling for a warning shot though … after the real shot lol

Ox Drover

Dear Polly,

My “warning shot” goes between the eyes! If that doesn’t stop them the next 5-will.

My son D. bought me a gun that really looks like a “hog leg” like the cow boys wore. It has a long barrel and is heavy but it shoots .410 shot gun shells as well as regular ammunition. Each shot gun shell has four 9mm pellets in it.

The purpose o f the shot gun shells is that they will NOT SHOOT THROUGH WALLS. In home defense situations sometimes you are at risk for hitting someone on the other side of the wall, these will RUIN someone’s day but NOT the guy next door. The gun is so big and heavy I don’t carry it with me if I travel, just for the house. My son D came and asked me the other day where it was, he was cleaning guns and was going to clean mine too. I told him “It’s where it ALWAYS IS, on my bed UNDER MY BIBLE” and I thought he was going to choke he was laughing so hard. I wasn’t trying to be funny, I do leave it lying on the unoccupied side of my bed and usually cover it with my Bible before I go to sleep!!!

He said, “Only you, Oxy, would keep your hog leg under your Bible”

I guess he’s right but the two of them together are all the defense I need!

I’m going to go over to Debecker’s site and look at that. Catch you after I see that!


IMPORTANT TO ALL! PLS READ! I’m not sure if this is the right forum but it seemed to apply..
Today I have been updating my security settings on my pc and for some strange reason “gut feeling” I googled my own name. I was horrified by what I found out.
I am on the internet. My picture from FB (although I am blocked from other users), my professional resume (which lists my home address and phone number as well as past employers, property I’ve owned (not ct records), family info, my high schools (I went to school overseas), everything about me in one form or another…SCARY AS HELL!!
I dont know how to correct this or get rid of this…. However I think everyone should check out there own name and see what pops up…especially if there are safety and security issues involved. It sounds silly but its real and TERRIFYING! Please check it out!


coping – facebook shares with everyone – anything on fb can be given out/ sold.

1) delete your photos from fb.
2) write google and ask them to remove your pics from the cache
3) write the webmaster of each website and ask them to remove your personal information. give them 2 days to do so.
4) write google and ask them to remove these items from cache.

also look on bing and other search engines – not just google.


Facebook shares without intention to hackers too. Then the information about you can be used on Phishing and vishing frauds.

But beyond those things, your drivers license and a lot of other information is considered PUBLIC.

You can delete your name and address from the google database as well.

Most people use 1234 as their password. Try to use more characters and symbols and a longer string

Change your passwords often and don’t open email you don’t recognize the sender.

Common sense isn’t hard.


Thank you for the helpfull info…I will do all of the above. I hope others take the time to read as well. I have always considered my internet use “safe” as I never go to wierd sites, ect. It was shocking to say the leaste. Guess I’m not as computer savy as most. Maybe others wont have this’s scary.


Hi coping

‘o/joy’ is a great name!

most people have no idea what can be found about them online. I was conned online; and have learned a bit about ‘managing’ my online presence.

when i went ‘underground’ online i deleted my fb account. set up an email not related to any other email, and signed up with a false name, not used anywhere else. We CAN’T be too careful. There is much I don’t know, but i also use a proxy server, so that it is harder to pinpoint my IP address.


Guess I need to work on that “common sense” thing you mentioned above.
The purpose of my post was to warn people..It’s amazing that no matter how carefull you think you are…you never really know. My intention was if 2 minutes can let let you be aware of a potentionally dangerouse situation…its worth it. Especially and most importantly if you are on this site.
Although I’m trying not to take that comment as a personal attack, logically I realize it wasnt(my issues and where I’m at). You are right.. with a 7 year restraining order and a newborn baby now is not the time to be stupid and naive. Been there to long!


hi silvermoon!


tell me about proxy servers. I’ve been thinking I need to do that. I know I can google it, but I’m wondering how much complication I can look forward to.


Hi O/Joy,
Thanks 🙂 Hmm going “underground”. I like it!! First things first..clean up!! Erase! I’m not computer savy at all…in fact this is the first time I have ever blogged (when I found this site).
Not to sound stupid but what is a proxy server?


Hi Sky,
I forgot to thank you the other day for the advise on “hooked by an s” I hope I didnt come off as defensive…my emotions are off the charts these days. I checked out the info..very informative. Thank you


coping – we all have ‘IP’ addresses if we go online with our computers. these are addresses our internet service providers assign to a business or an area. The actual address is a series of numbers. Unless you have a dedicated IP (big companies, government offices in a particular city, etc. usually do), they numbers will range a bit, say from 123456 to 123457 in a few hours. The IP address will tell people where your email and your blog post came from, – which city, country, and possibly which street address/ business, and who your internet service provider is.

A proxy server routes your IP address through another IP address to hide it. If you route an address through a couple of proxy servers, you are harder to find and identify online.


sky – they are easy-peasy. i pay for an online service, about $50 for 6 months. You can also often use an online proxy server to browse the internet url by url for free. I think you can also buy and download a proxy server, and then everything that comes from your computer would be routed through a proxy server.

as I only use mine for sneaking around re the spath – i used it to look at her stuff and to post where i needed to about her. I only use one. I am sure a hacker could find me, but if you combine it with a gmail account (which doesn’t show the IP address in the email header), it could give quite good security. the spath didn’t use a proxy server – i waded through lists of routed servers – but all the email from all of the characters cam from her spathy assed email account.


Good info..thank you. Its sad I really need to get up to date with this stuff. I always thought every computer had its own “ip” address. This is what prompted me for the security update today. I noticied allot of “unknown” ip addresses in my gmail account. It was wierd but all my security was good.
Is blogging safe on this site? Can others see what I type?
Well first things first..cleanup..I will follow your advise earlier and do some additional research…


you’re welcome. BTW, you’re sounding a bit better.

thanks, I’ve been considering this for years, but I was always worried that I was letting the proxy server have too much info about me.


sky – snort! I’d be more worried about everyone else having your info. 🙂 they won’t have anymore info about you than any other http payment site.

coping – what do you mean by this, ‘I noticied allot of “unknown” ip addresses in my gmail account. ?
blogging safe? – if there is a keylogger on your computer, the person who monitors it can see what you type. get an IT specialist to find out if there is one. i also use an anti key logger. look them up online.
i didn’t know ANY of this stuff until post spath.


peace out all. may a bit of joy touch you all tomorrow.

Ox Drover

Dear Coping,

I had to flee my home because my P-son had sent a man to infiltrate our family like a “Trojan Horse”—he was an ex cell mate of my son who is in prison for murder.

I talked to a private investigator about how to cut the paper trail from where my “legal residence” was/is to where I was actually “Staying.” I paid a small consultation fee. I also bought several books on anti-stalking techniques and laws in various states that will support people who are being stalked by predators.

Only you know how capable of mayhem and murder your stalker is, and remember a protective order is nothing but a piece of paper, it is not a bullet proof vest.

Him not being able to find you is a good start.

Yes, if he can get on the internet he can run you to ground and get your address. You can be traced through your drivers license, your utility and phone accounts, rental accounts, property or car ownership, etc. so you have to look at how to have those things registered to an address that will NOT lead to your actual residence. Some agencies DEMAND that your “address’ be where you actually live. Drivers license and concealed gun carry permits for example, and these are PUBLIC RECORDS.

So I suggest that you do some research, I have found that Callifornia is one state that is very helpful to people fleeing a stalker and will even help you change your name and social security number so you might even consider moving there in order to accomplish that. If you are a nurse or any other profession that has a license in order to work, that is another way they can trace you.

LEARN ALL YOU CAN ABOUT HOW TO DISAPPEAR from view, not just on the internet, but in every way.

My son is going to be in prison for another 3 years (at least) before he comes back up for parole and at this point, I am relatively safe (but cautious) from him sending someone to get me, but at the same time, if he either 1) gets out or 2) gets his hands on any significant amount of money from my egg donor (maternal DNA donor) then he can hire someone to come get me and be able to pay their expenses. At present he doens’t hav eany friends with enough money for gas from there to here. LOL

Anyway, I am all set to “disappear” and have all my ducks in a row to do it at a moment’s notice. However, I do NOT have a child, I do NOT have a job, I do have a reasonable amount of finances in which to get me to the next county and I have a nice large Recreational vehicle to live in…..and keep my address the same. There isn’t any law that says if I “travel” I have to give the drivers’ license agency every KOA address that I stop at. My “home” is here—I just will travel 365 days a year, except on leap year then it is 366. LOL

My only phone is a cell phone registered to someone else’s name, in another area code from where I actually live…and I do my best to keep my neighbors even from knowing when I am at “home” and when I am not. Fortunately, I am able to do that pretty well.

I don’t need a crystal ball though to know that this man will “haunt” you and show up in your child’s life in the future—just what you have already said is enough to clue me in that he will give you problems. Take action now, rather than later, and action starts with EDUCATING YOURSELF. Don’t panic, just be CAUTIOUS and realistic about protecting yourself and your child.

I REFUSE TO LIVE IN PANIC OR TERROR, but I DO live cautiously. God bless.


Okay….I didn’t read all of the responses to this excellent article, but I would appreciate some feedback.

I have received 2 phone calls in 2 days that have me somewhat unsettled. The first one was late at night with a message that was left from a “Restricted” caller that sounded like a scream. The second call was to my place of employment and they asked for my alternative name and abruptly hung up when they were asked if they’d like to leave a message.

I don’t want to go into specifics, here, but for obvious reasons I’m suddenly experiencing hypervigilance. My previous experiences of being stalked included harassing and profane calls, text messages, website posts, and vehicular tampering.

With these calls coming, suddenly, I would like to read some feedback about what this could possibly mean.


And, with regard to my hypervigilance about the recent calls, the exspath attributed the majority of previous stalking, harassment, and vehicluar tamperings to the female spath that he claimed to have despised. Since he has reconnected with the female spath (who did time in women’s Prison for identity theft), it makes me wonder if they BOTH weren’t in on it, together. Now, I tend to become hypervigilant over various triggers, and I have to figure out how to manage that.


Truthspeak: I just spent the past two, solid years, looking over my shoulder from a real live VIOLENT, STALKING, psychopath. I still am looking over my shoulder, but not so much like it had been. I had been threatened with my life on so many occasions ….. couldn’t serve a PPO on a transient person in the allotted time frame to serve. I still went ahead and informed the local authorities of the threats and sure enough, just like a shark smelling blood in the water, it threatened and then showed up on my door to murder me, I do believe.

It was promptly (and fortunately for “IT”) escorted out of town and told to not come back here again.

I know all about hyper-vigilance…going to sleep at night and listening for the clink of that lighted propane tank through my window or in my hallway, as promised…there are lots more!!!!

I get calls every Friday the 13th that are dark and foreboding.
I do not ever under estimate but I don’t let it control my world.
NOT ANYMORE. I am confident now in my safety zone. I won’t ever have the freedom of NOT being hyper-vigilant over this maniac. But I have set down a boundary and it knows now it really shouldn’t cross that boundary any more.

Stay focused Truthspeak on the truths as you know them to be and allow them to make you strong and above all keep yourself safe whatever that takes.

When someone threatens, ALWAYS take it seriously. I have learned how to ‘slow down’ my hyper-vigilance since I had my heart attack that almost killed me. I take Lexapro, now, to help calm the anxiety and depression; it is also helping a little bit with my PTSD. I needed to get some of that massive depression off of me before I blew my cork.

A psychopath has almost taken my life from me and walked away laughing, with no sense of conscious or remorse and I don’t give up the battle so easy, Truthspeak…..I am not giving up the battle, in fact, I WON. I have my life left. A little bit, at least. It is going to be lived SPATH FREE, My Dear…




Dupey, thanks for the insight and I’m so sorry that you (or, anyone else) experiences the unfathomable ravages of stalking….seriously.

I have to figure out a way to NOT go into a mode of hypervigilance because I simply cannot tolerate that level of anxiety. And……I really, really, REALLY have to sort out a way to avoid playing the “I -wonder-if-it’s-a-stalker-and-not-a-coincidence” game.

You are so spot-on: this is MY life, NOT HIS. Thanks, again!



Truthspeak: think of what it would take to make you feel safe. Then adjust your life accordingly. Change your phone number. Block texts and emails. Lose yourself. Make your environment safe according to your standards and if you need help doing that, contact the local authorities. Express your concerns to them. They are there to assist you.

Yah, ten years of this is long enough for me. And, yes, this level of anxiety I have been on has been absolutely horrendous. Adrenalin over load. You need to find a way to get that and keep that away from you because there is no coming back from that rabbit hole.

I know…
Evaluate your situation and make the necessary changes. That is all I could do. It’s called ‘survival’.

((more hugs back))

These posts were certainly good for me to read!I REALLY,REALLY don’t want to believe that there could be anymore to the nightmare I’ve been thru!As much as I’ve tried to calm my fears,my gut tells me there’s a possibility;be cautious!
One thing that alerts me is how QUICKLY my husband can CHANGE!It’s unbelievable!Twice now he has been put in the nursing home for rehab(late ’09) and late this yr.Each time,within a very short time he goes from refusing to doing anything for himself to becoming a model patient and getting out of the nursing home quickly.He makes sure he looks good!
He practically ‘pushes’ himself off on me,never taking my feelings into consideration;not wanting to accept that our marriage is “over”.
I think he wants me to get scared and run to him for comfort (BAH!) and protection.I can’t count the number of times he has called me in the past and in a ‘way too concerned’ voice asked me if everything was ok!When we were separated the 1st time I used to get harassing phone calls (ex:screen door squeaking shut;but no voice-frequent spanish language when words were spoken)I just never knew who to blame for the calls as I didn’t have caller ID.
Sometimes I’ve thought”oh,he’s too out of shape to cause harm!”But sometimes,I believe that’s what he WANTS everyone to believe!And that’s what makes me shudder-because that could be dangerous!


1 in 12 is a very scary statistic. As someone who has experienced this I have to comment here.

We have NO anti stalking laws, similar to a restraining order we have a “protection order”. However the protection order is mostly used for hands on abuse, rather than the more subtle verbal/emotional abuse that mostly defines the every day sociopath. The main problem with these is that although the temporary order is easy to obtain, you further have to face the Bullsh*tter in court and listen to him/her BS the judge by turning all stories around and making the “victim” appear the aggressor (nothing like a woman scorned etc) and they come out of it looking like the poor, hard done by person who has done nothing but try and help.. We all know how very good they are at this…. and the overturning of the temporary order then constitutes a further “win” for them which generally at the point the stalking is going on is the worst thing that can happen.

Also generally speaking, at “heart” (bad word!) they are cowards and very rarely do their own dirty work it is very difficult to prove beyond what the court system requires in criminal prosection that they are the guilty party. In order for the protection order to work one needs to be able to prove that they are perpetrating the acts.

I elected to have CCTV installed to obtain the proof the police needed. Having said that, since the cctv has been installed, “events” have dwindled and he has not appeared, but instead uses balaclava’d accomplices. I have also had wireless alarm sensors installed covering the front garden so that the alarm triggers the moment anyone climbs the fence…

A lot of the stalking is because they cannot stand being ignored, so for the most part, it is an attempt to illicit a reaction of sorts and force a confrontation from where they can resume the twisted little game they play. It’s their equivalent of the Queens Gambit…

I have found the best thing is NOT to react and NOT to show emotion of any decription. It’s hard, but when I dashed out of the house in a hurry as I was late for a meeting and found a spark plug had been banged right through the middle of my tyre overnight i just knew he was sitting up the road in his car watching to get his jollies from my reaction.. I knew at that instant that I absolutely couldn’t react in any way, difficult as it was at the time…

Another one: he followed me over to a friends house one Saturday. 5 minutes after we had left he knocked on the door. Her husband answered and when he asked where I was, he replied “the girls have gone shopping”. He tried to push her husband for our exact whereabouts at the shops.
About 4 hours later when we got back, literally we had walked in a she had just put the kettle on my phone rang, it was him, I didn’t answer, so I got a text msg saying “I know where you are and if you don’t answer I wil come knocking at the door”. (It was at this point her husband mentioned their earlier interaction). She phoned her armed response company and as they arrived, he was seen starting his motorbike and driving off from his position a couple of hundred yards away up the road – but he’d obviously been sitting their all afternoon just waiting…. Frankly, Most normal peope have better things to do on a saturday afternoon!

He also texted a friend of mine and told her that I was in hospital. When she phoned I didn’t have a clue what she was on about or why she was having such a panic.

When all this (and plenty more!!) failed to get him the reacton he was so desperately looking for he stepped up his game and the attempts on my life began.. He had realised he was “losing” at that point, frustration set in followed closely by the win at all costs mentatlity..

I do not bother with his facebook page, but I have not blocked him from mine, I am very careful what I post, but he is welcome to see the long summer evening walks I take with the dogs on the beach…
What utter frustration that must cause for him!

You can’t underestimate what lengths they will go to to get this response. As I posted under another topic a couple of weeks ago, I have armed response linked to panic buttons and the house alarm, a 10 pound lump hammer next to the front door, various “weapons” in the form of knives, screwdrivers, tins of oven cleaner and mentholated muscle spray stashed all over the house at various intervals, and I will use them.

Quite aside from not reacting to any stunts, continuing with your own life is very important. I struggled terribly last year literally being “holed up” in my house behind my alarm and cctv. The dogs weren’t allowed in the front garden as he was throwing poisoned meat over the wall, etc. This is no way to deal with it as in a way it is showing the stalker that they are having an effect on you, albeit not quite the one they had hoped for. Protect yourself as best you can and carry on. Have fun, go out with friends and enjoy the simple things in life.

This is my experience, and my assumptions based on actions. I do realise that there are far more psychopathic individuals out there and that not all follow the same route as above…


Just one small note on the “hyper vigilance” – my friend and i call it “fight mode” and yes, it’s 24/7. You can’t drop your guard for a second. I sat up every night glued to the cctv for months, panic button in one hand and screwdriver in the other. It’s exhausting.

However, once the stalking starts to wane and you find yourself dropping out of “fight mode” for a few hours, this is a terrible adjustment. This is (again, my opinion and experience and not necessarily that of others) is when you start to take stock of whats happened over the interaction with the individual and you actually start to think about things. And that’s when the underlying reality really hits you like a brick….


HeatherCT, I’m so sorry for your stalking experiences, and in the U.S., victims of stalking are pretty much ridiculed and blamed as if THEY “did something” to bring on such unwarrented “attention.” It’s not about unrequited love, but about psychological terrorism.

As far as not blocking this guy from your FB page, I rather disagree that it’s safe to allow him continued access to you, on any level. If he’s cut off, entirely, he’s cut off entirely. Then, again, this guy is so dangerous that it’s impossible to predict what he’ll do next! And, this is what “authorities” simply FAIL to understand: the anxiety is 24/7 because it might seem to ebb, and when that hyper-vigilance begins to wane, they jump right back into the fray and cause uber-hyper-vigilance and anxiety. It’s terrorism. Plain and simple, and it’s a symptom of a VERY disordered person.

Stay safe, HeatherCT.

Brightest blessings


Thanks Truthspeak, having read a bit more I think I will go and block my FB page. Trouble is, previously he had set himself up a couple of fake female persona’s that he was using, so he could still see the basics of the page that was open to public.

Interestingly I just did the MOSAIC test – It only came up with an 8 out of 10.. I know what I’ve been thru so heaven help those that come up with a 10 out of 10!


HeatherCT, were the fake profiles in any way connected with HIS profile? If so, you can block any/all profiles associated with his – all of his “friends,” etc. Which wouldn’t be a bad options, considering how dangerous this guy sounds.

I experienced stalking, harassment, and vehicular tampering, but NOTHING to the extent that you have, and I cannot imagine how you’re coping with it so well. I was a wreck!

I don’t know what the Mosaic Test is, but I’m sure I’m going to find out when I google-search it! 🙂

Brightest blessings


I have no idea truthspeak, I have blocked his email address (the one that I know of) and will go and read and see what else there is. the profies were pictureless and appeared to be female, but other than that I am clueless.

I think it was you talking about nails etc, in your driveway, I had a giggle at this as I regularly comment to my friends about a hardware store in my driveway.. Same manual they all run on!

Last year I was a complete wreck. Especially when he tried to send his co-accused after me. I phoned his lawyer when I had a visitor or a stunt (even in the middle of the night) and I gather from a source close that is lawyer was sitting him down just about every day telling him to leave me alone and threatening to withdraw as defence counsel should he not. It was at the conclusion of the trial that it really started to get nasty and of course the lawyers protection was no longer there. I knew nothing about the drugs he was bust with, all that was because I would merely have exposed his jerry springer lifestyle and sociopathy had I taken the stand.

I live with it as part of my life, (thats why I don’t “appear” to be a wreck) I see it as “normal”. I never go out (even to the corner shop) without locking the dogs inside and setting the alarm (and having a knife in my pocket). I check my tyres, brake cables etc before I drive anywhere, I check the road up and down before I leave, I phone the armed response to escort me home if I arrive after dark or see something I am uneasy about.
But I refuse to let him stop me living…

I have a very dear friend who went thru a simlar situation a few years back and she has been a godsend. Of course I couldn’t talk to anyone about anything at that stage either because of the ongoing trial, and subsequently have learnt to be very careful what I say to who. I have got past the stage where I care at all what people think of me. I think I could quite enjoy being a mad old bat anyway :).


HeatherCT, wow…..just, wow….

GOOD FOR YOU for blocking him, entirely, now!!!

Talking to people about what we’re experiencing when we’re being stalked is like talking to an eggplant. Even when I was filing complaints with various police departments, they ALL just stared at me as if they were a bunch of week-old vegetables. It simply did not register with them that being stalked was simply being terrorized, on every level.

Once police officer that I spoke to got an earful and I told him that the smirk on his face would disappear if it were HIS wife or HIS daughter that was too terrified to even open their front door or turn the ignition on in their car for fear of it having been tampered with. The smirk on his face sure disappeared and was replaced with absolute contempt.

Nothing wrong with being a “mad old bat,” HeatherCT! I’m quite comfortable in that skin! 😀

Brightest blessings

Ox Drover

Heather, I am assuming you live in UK or somewhere you can’t have a gun, but that you are at least able to afford a place to live that has access to…I’m sorry that this jerk won’t leave you alone, but it sounds like you have made the best of a bad situation. I’m kind of in the same situation with the threat at least of stalking but as long as my son is in prison I don’t know WHO it is….and even if he got out he might find someone else to do his dirty work.

KEEPING the mind set of living with CAUTION and not TERROR is sometimes difficult and is for me anyway a continual task.

It would be nice to feel SAFE in our homes and our world, but sometimes we also have to face the reality that NO ONE is entirely safe in this world, there are always crooks and thieves and rapists and murderers.


Yeah, the police are largely ineffective and I almost smacked one when I presented him with a list of text msgs and voicemails (about 4 pages in a week) and he asked me “what did you do to this poor guy?”- he clearly was under the impression that he was a love sick little puppy dog… ICK.


I’m in Cape Town,South Africa Oxy. I could probably have a gun but have elected not to for fear that I would use it. With his stunts and malicious damage he has pushed me to the point where I could use a weapon out of anger rather than self defence so I would rather not go there. He isn’t worth the consequences.

You hit the nail on the head with the “caution and not terror” comment.

You cannot allow them to see that they are terrorizing you, otherwise they have “won”… and effectively they have taken your life, even though you may stil be breathing, you aren’t living any more.

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