By Ox Drover
Dr. Sherry L. Meinberg, an educator holds the “world’s record” with the FBI for being seriously stalked for the longest time—forty years!—by a combination of her first and second husbands, who brutally beat her and almost killed her. Even after 17 years in a mental institution for the dangerously insane, her first husband, who had written her letters every day of his incarceration, came after her again, and found her.
Dr. Meinberg’s book promotion says:
Research now tells us that one in twelve women in the USA, and a growing number of men, will be stalked at some time in their lives. Over one and a half million adults are stalked annually, with the vast majority of victims being the average, normal, everyday citizen. Could one of your family members or friends become a victim? Could you? Find out what to expect, and how to protect yourself and loved ones.
When Dr. Meinberg was first being stalked, there was no such thing as a “stalking law” and police considered a man beating his wife a “domestic affair” that they should not interfere with. It was only in 1990 that the first stalking laws were passed. At this time there are federal anti-stalking laws as well as state anti-stalking laws.
Fortunately, Dr. Meinberg survived these devastating attempts to take her life and shared the things she learned about being safe from stalkers in two books. The Bogeyman, Stalking and Its Aftermath is the actual story of her life on the run and how she coped with these terrifying experiences. Her second book concerning stalkers is Toxic Attention—Keeping Safe from Stalkers, Abusers and Intruders.
The first order of business in a campaign of showing that you are serious about protecting yourself is a TRO or Temporary Restraining Order. Although this is just a “piece of paper,” it puts the police on notice that the person should be kept away from you and that they can instantly arrest him.
However, Gavin DeBecker, in his book, the Gift of Fear, states that at times he advises his clients, who come to him for help with their safety, not to get a TRO, as sometimes as the order infuriates the stalker and makes the stalker only more intent to harm the victim. So the advice to “get a TRO” is not universal, and depends on the individual stalker. Research mentioned by both Dr. Meinberg and Mr. DeBecker shows that about 75 percent of ER visits for DV victims, or DV murders, are after the initial separation from the abuser by the victim, and the great majority of those killed were stalked before the murder.
Though she does not use the terms psychopath/sociopath, Dr. Meinberg does describe in Chapter 6 of her book the traits of the “warning signs for potential danger,” which include all the descriptions of a psychopath.
In addition to Dr. Meinberg’s book, Diane Glass, a nationally syndicated columnist for the Universal Press Syndicate, who has first-hand experience with being stalked by her ex-boyfriend for years, published a thin volume, Stalking the Stalker—Fighting Back with High-tech Gadgets and Low-tech Know-how. I found this little volume somewhat helpful as well. It is filled with excellent advice on various high-tech gadgets and ways to use them, as well as just common sense applications of lower —tech things to help you.
A man named “J. J. Luna” is the author of How to be Invisible. This man gives practical advice on how to live in such a way (legally) that you are not traceable by a paper trail to where you actually reside. Though I am not sure why Mr. Luna, who is not apparently being stalked, wants to live in such a way that there is no paper trail to find him, nonetheless he gives some interesting information on how to keep your property out of your name, but still in your control. I found the book very interesting if a bit sinister, but since the things it advises are not illegal, and are quite easily and cheaply accomplished and are also some of the things the private investigator advised me to do, I think this book might also be helpful to others who are being stalked or worry they might be.
Those who deal with psychopaths who are likely to stalk us (not all are likely to stalk) need, I think, to at least be prepared for how to defend ourselves both physically and legally from stalking. None of us, I think, should totally discount the potential for violence that some psychopaths do have. Once you have seen this violence in a psychopath, do not calm yourself by discounting what you have seen; it might be a fatal mistake.
I have chosen to live cautiously, but not to live in terror, of my son. I think that realistic caution is something that all of us should be aware of.
Thank you for letting us know about these books. When my friend was beng stalked many years ago there really wasn’t much help from the police. We hear too many stories on the news, constantly, of a man or a woman being so outraged that their significant other split up with them… that they stalk them, and usually by the time it is on the news… they have committed murder… and as you know, sometimes they even include their children in the violence. I hope that women and men who are going through this, and are looking for some kind of help… find this article and get the books!!!
Chic, as you know, there are many forms of “stalking” but most of the (mainly) women who are killed by their lovers WERE STALKED first.
Most of the murders, I read, were done at about the time of the beak up and were not “sudden outbursts” but were the result of stalking and deliberate decisions to kill or seriously injure.
Each person’s situation is a bit different, but there ARE ways to keep yourself safer, but if a stalker is DETERMINED to get to you it is easier for them to do so than we would like to beliebve.
Since laws against stalking were only formulated and passed about 20 years ago in the US, and some cops/law-enforcement etc still think along the lines of “it is just a domestic dispute” rather than to see and realize that this is a CRIME and also VIOLENT crime we must be PRO ACTIVE in protecting ourselves.
When Seconds count, cops are only MINUTES AWAY.
Dr. Meinberg gives examples of women whose stalkers were very determined to find them and DID find and kill them, so it does behoove us to assess the situation well, and then to take whatever things are necessary to keep ourselves safe.
Though she didn’t use the words Psycho/socio-path, Meinberg describes the traits completely and well. She married young to a psychopath who was also probably mentally ill, and then when she finally got away from him alive (barely) married another one straight away. Between the two of them her story could have been here on LF and she would have FIT RIGHT IN.
Third time is “charm” and she married again and was happy and productive, still she was stalked. Fortunately her last husband was very supportive. Several times though they were in “hiding” her first and second X husbands were pulled out of their yard by police even well into the third decade of her stalking troubles.
Gavin deBecker’s book, “The Gift of Fear” is also a very good book about how we can and should keep ourselves safe and sane by listening to our guts and intuition. Mr. deBecker was a childhood victim of a VERY violent abusive mother. He DOES understand the roles of the victim and the abusers as well. His livelyhood is in keeping others safe and consulting for individuals and governments on safety.
No matter how grave the risk to our safety is, we must not, however, live in TERROR, but take reasonable precautions.
Just a few days ago here in my town there was a murder suicide.. the woman was being stalked and threatened by a x bf for months, was hiding in a hotel when the vpo was served on him – he found her, killed her, then himself…
Ox gave good advice by recommending JJ Luna’s Book, How to be invisible.
Worth looking into.
These stories make me crazy. What does it take for the legal/ justice system to catch up with the fact that letting these wackos loose to get another victim just ain’t IT.
Wanna bet ANY of us were the first victim of a SPATH? Somebody turned ’em loose and in the case it was people who were paid to keep an eye on them, well, I just don’t think that’s a good job. Not at all.
silver – by my calculations i am the 750th victim of my spath. welcome to hell folks.
(that’s 30+ years of spathing x 5cons per year x 5 people per con. having adjusted up and down for post and pre internet)
To say that a TRO “might” infuriate a stalker misses the entire point. OxDrover is correct in the assertion that “when seconds count, the cops are only minutes away.” In these situations you MUST be prepared to protect yourself with, up to and including, deadly force if necessary. The role a TRO plays in this scenario is vital.
In the event you need to protect your life using deadly force, the TRO (for the most part and in most all jurisdictions) is your protection against a post shooting prosecution.
A TRO is a judge’s permission to do what is necessary to protect yourself if attacked. It is not a permit to hunt the person stalking you, but it is a “get out of jail free” card IF it were to become necessary to protect your life, or the life of another in the same location as you when a predator comes to your location to do you great physical harm or take your life.
Dear El Hefe,
Good point about a TRP or PPO being a “get out of jail free” card if you must protect yourself with wounding or killing force when your stalker catches up to you.
Dr. Gavin deBecker is the one though who made the point that some stalkers will be so angered or insensed by a TRO that it will make them more prone to go after you with deadly force, so knowing your stalker is important and WHAT motivates him. Does he know you personally, or is he a wanna be lover that you really never had as realationship with, or is this from some other motive.
I’ve got no problems with my stalkers as A)the X-DIL doesn’t intend to go back to jail/prison. She’ll leave me alone.
B) the Trojan Horse Psychopath, who is a convicted three times sex offender ex-convict on parole, known to our local police, knows we are armed and would shoot first, and ask questions later, and knows that the local law enforcement doesn’t like him at all. So I’m not concerned with them at all.
My P son, if he ever got out would come after me, and if he didn’t get out but had enough money to pay someone else to do it would send someone. Problem is I have NO idea who that person would be except it would most likely be a former texas inmate or relative of one that he knew in prison paid to help their buddy.
Silvermoon,
Interestikngly enough, the Trojan Horse Psychopath who had 15 pages of felony records including 3 separate sex offenses with children, and robbery HAD BROKEN EVERY PAROLE HE WAS EVER ON. The Texas dept of Justice DID keep him inside to the last day though. He got NO parole on his last release….;which he went from prison directly to freedom. He is on parole now, but not for much longer./
My P son jumped EVERY parole OR VIOLATED every parole/probation he ever got so I have NO confidence he will adnere to any probation he gets or parole. If and when he ever gets out, I will do my best to make sure he is limited to Texas ONLY and not allowed to legally travel, AND to wear an ankle monitor and then I will probably disappear off the “easily found” list.
I have a question. I have been involved with a man for over a year who is obsessed with the idea of losing me. My ex is an N/S/P, so I am scared of any red flags that I see. The man that I am seeing has followed me and if he can’t get me on the phone, tries every minute until he does reach me. When this happens, he becomes very upset and tells me that he is worried about me and when I don’t answer he thinks that something has happened to me. Sometimes he will show up at my house when I don’t get to his calls. I could be in the shower, on another call, or at a movie with my sons. I am afraid to even talk to any man on the phone or on my email, even if he is a friend, because this man ALWAYS knows!
He has wonderful qualities and everything is great as long as I am HIS. My family doesn’t want him around because they know about his stalking. He has never threatened me, but he can become very intimidating when he finds out that I have had contact with an old friend, or when he can’t reach me.
He is an only child and his mother raised him on her own. He was married and has a daughter with whom he is very close to. He also is “protective” of them.
My question is this: Is he someone that I should be worried about? I fled for my life when I left my ex. I don’t want to be afraid for my life again.
Dear Jfog1,
Glad to see you back!
This man is a CLASSIC controller/stalker, and yes, I would RUN not walk away from him. This is NOT normal “concerned” behavior. “he becomes very upset” “I am afraid to even talk to any man on the phone,….even if he is just a friend..because this man always KNOWS”—he may have a key logger on your computer or tap on your phone.
I would TELL him that “this isn’t working out for me” NO “REASONS” just “IT IS NOT WORKING” and then go NC, and TELL him it is going to be NC. So that he isn’t “surprised” by you just dropping him. I would be WITH someone else in a PUBLIC PLACE when I told him this as well SO THAT YOU HAVE A WITNESS.
Just repeat over and over “NO, John, this is not working out for me.” REPEAT AND REPEAT for a time or two and then say “Well, I must go now. I hope you will have a good life. Please DO NOT contact me again. I will not change my mind.”
Then go NO contact. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA, NIL, and block him from your phone or change the number, get your computer checked for key loggers or other software. Do not answer any e mails (block him if you can) but print them out and keep them for reference if he starts to stalk you.
Change the locks to your house our ANY other keys he has had access to. Add dead bolts to your house and have a check in system with a neighbor or friend. If your kids are old enough the same with them. Tell them they are NOT to open the door if he shows up at your house. If he does, do not answer the door yourself. Pull blinds down so no one can see inside your house. Park your car inside if you can, get a locking gas cap and keep porch lights on if necessary or if you are able. BE CAREFUL.
Keep us informed Jfog1. BTW Sure glad to see you back! (((hugs))))
Then, take care until he finds a new victim.
Thank you Ox Drover for the warm welcome back and the (((hugs))).
The thing about (I’ll call him Bart) is that he can be so giving and caring. He tells me that he loves me at least twenty times a day. He has helped me out financially with out my asking, and has given my son’s generous gifts. I am planning to pay him back every penny that he has given me. I was left in a financial bind when I left my now ex N/S/P. I can barely make it each month.
One time, “Bart” had all of the symptoms of a heart attack, and wanted me to drive him to the hospital, which was nearby.
Because of his history of having had bypass surgery when he was 40, the ER Dr. wanted him admitted to CCU.
He signed out against medical advice. I was up until 4:00am and had to get up at 6:30 for work. All of this was because I had told him that I thought that it would be better if we didn’t see each other. We were together another time when I had to have an out-patient proceedure, and he checked my cell phone and discovered that another man had been in contact with me. This man is only a friend. “Bart” started crying in the waiting room and asked how I could do this to him. He also checks my voicemail from his phone. I have changed the password and somehow he finds out what it is.
The last time I told him that I didn’t want to see him anymore because of all of his accusations, he called that night crying. It turned out that his father had died (he had no relationship with his father until his father was hosptilized four months ago. ) He went to see him twice. His father left him and his mother when “Bart” was two months old. “Bart paid for the entire funeral. His mother begged me to go with her as she didn’t want to be there alone. I went, and now “Bart” feels like the relationship is back where it was. He is so insecure. He even wrote a letter to me telling me that he didn’t know if he could go on if he didn’t have me. He gave this to me before he left to take his daughter on a cruise last week. He told me that he couldn’t bare the idea of my being with another man-being touched by someone else,etc..
I know that he manipulates me, yet I feel powerless.
On an unrelated note, my first husband, who is a substance abuser, is harrassing the N/S/P second husband, because of the money that was lost. My first husband feels that he is somehow entitled to some of it because he had to drive to work for twenty one years. He doesn’t care that he is messing with a dangerous man who will retaliate against me!
I know that this sounds like a soap opera, but this is all true. Both of these jerks make six figures and I am struggling. Go figure!
(((Hugs to you)))