By Ox Drover
Dr. Sherry L. Meinberg, an educator holds the “world’s record” with the FBI for being seriously stalked for the longest time—forty years!—by a combination of her first and second husbands, who brutally beat her and almost killed her. Even after 17 years in a mental institution for the dangerously insane, her first husband, who had written her letters every day of his incarceration, came after her again, and found her.
Dr. Meinberg’s book promotion says:
Research now tells us that one in twelve women in the USA, and a growing number of men, will be stalked at some time in their lives. Over one and a half million adults are stalked annually, with the vast majority of victims being the average, normal, everyday citizen. Could one of your family members or friends become a victim? Could you? Find out what to expect, and how to protect yourself and loved ones.
When Dr. Meinberg was first being stalked, there was no such thing as a “stalking law” and police considered a man beating his wife a “domestic affair” that they should not interfere with. It was only in 1990 that the first stalking laws were passed. At this time there are federal anti-stalking laws as well as state anti-stalking laws.
Fortunately, Dr. Meinberg survived these devastating attempts to take her life and shared the things she learned about being safe from stalkers in two books. The Bogeyman, Stalking and Its Aftermath is the actual story of her life on the run and how she coped with these terrifying experiences. Her second book concerning stalkers is Toxic Attention—Keeping Safe from Stalkers, Abusers and Intruders.
The first order of business in a campaign of showing that you are serious about protecting yourself is a TRO or Temporary Restraining Order. Although this is just a “piece of paper,” it puts the police on notice that the person should be kept away from you and that they can instantly arrest him.
However, Gavin DeBecker, in his book, the Gift of Fear, states that at times he advises his clients, who come to him for help with their safety, not to get a TRO, as sometimes as the order infuriates the stalker and makes the stalker only more intent to harm the victim. So the advice to “get a TRO” is not universal, and depends on the individual stalker. Research mentioned by both Dr. Meinberg and Mr. DeBecker shows that about 75 percent of ER visits for DV victims, or DV murders, are after the initial separation from the abuser by the victim, and the great majority of those killed were stalked before the murder.
Though she does not use the terms psychopath/sociopath, Dr. Meinberg does describe in Chapter 6 of her book the traits of the “warning signs for potential danger,” which include all the descriptions of a psychopath.
In addition to Dr. Meinberg’s book, Diane Glass, a nationally syndicated columnist for the Universal Press Syndicate, who has first-hand experience with being stalked by her ex-boyfriend for years, published a thin volume, Stalking the Stalker—Fighting Back with High-tech Gadgets and Low-tech Know-how. I found this little volume somewhat helpful as well. It is filled with excellent advice on various high-tech gadgets and ways to use them, as well as just common sense applications of lower —tech things to help you.
A man named “J. J. Luna” is the author of How to be Invisible. This man gives practical advice on how to live in such a way (legally) that you are not traceable by a paper trail to where you actually reside. Though I am not sure why Mr. Luna, who is not apparently being stalked, wants to live in such a way that there is no paper trail to find him, nonetheless he gives some interesting information on how to keep your property out of your name, but still in your control. I found the book very interesting if a bit sinister, but since the things it advises are not illegal, and are quite easily and cheaply accomplished and are also some of the things the private investigator advised me to do, I think this book might also be helpful to others who are being stalked or worry they might be.
Those who deal with psychopaths who are likely to stalk us (not all are likely to stalk) need, I think, to at least be prepared for how to defend ourselves both physically and legally from stalking. None of us, I think, should totally discount the potential for violence that some psychopaths do have. Once you have seen this violence in a psychopath, do not calm yourself by discounting what you have seen; it might be a fatal mistake.
I have chosen to live cautiously, but not to live in terror, of my son. I think that realistic caution is something that all of us should be aware of.
1 in 12 is a very scary statistic. As someone who has experienced this I have to comment here.
We have NO anti stalking laws, similar to a restraining order we have a “protection order”. However the protection order is mostly used for hands on abuse, rather than the more subtle verbal/emotional abuse that mostly defines the every day sociopath. The main problem with these is that although the temporary order is easy to obtain, you further have to face the Bullsh*tter in court and listen to him/her BS the judge by turning all stories around and making the “victim” appear the aggressor (nothing like a woman scorned etc) and they come out of it looking like the poor, hard done by person who has done nothing but try and help.. We all know how very good they are at this…. and the overturning of the temporary order then constitutes a further “win” for them which generally at the point the stalking is going on is the worst thing that can happen.
Also generally speaking, at “heart” (bad word!) they are cowards and very rarely do their own dirty work it is very difficult to prove beyond what the court system requires in criminal prosection that they are the guilty party. In order for the protection order to work one needs to be able to prove that they are perpetrating the acts.
I elected to have CCTV installed to obtain the proof the police needed. Having said that, since the cctv has been installed, “events” have dwindled and he has not appeared, but instead uses balaclava’d accomplices. I have also had wireless alarm sensors installed covering the front garden so that the alarm triggers the moment anyone climbs the fence…
A lot of the stalking is because they cannot stand being ignored, so for the most part, it is an attempt to illicit a reaction of sorts and force a confrontation from where they can resume the twisted little game they play. It’s their equivalent of the Queens Gambit…
I have found the best thing is NOT to react and NOT to show emotion of any decription. It’s hard, but when I dashed out of the house in a hurry as I was late for a meeting and found a spark plug had been banged right through the middle of my tyre overnight i just knew he was sitting up the road in his car watching to get his jollies from my reaction.. I knew at that instant that I absolutely couldn’t react in any way, difficult as it was at the time…
Another one: he followed me over to a friends house one Saturday. 5 minutes after we had left he knocked on the door. Her husband answered and when he asked where I was, he replied “the girls have gone shopping”. He tried to push her husband for our exact whereabouts at the shops.
About 4 hours later when we got back, literally we had walked in a she had just put the kettle on my phone rang, it was him, I didn’t answer, so I got a text msg saying “I know where you are and if you don’t answer I wil come knocking at the door”. (It was at this point her husband mentioned their earlier interaction). She phoned her armed response company and as they arrived, he was seen starting his motorbike and driving off from his position a couple of hundred yards away up the road – but he’d obviously been sitting their all afternoon just waiting…. Frankly, Most normal peope have better things to do on a saturday afternoon!
He also texted a friend of mine and told her that I was in hospital. When she phoned I didn’t have a clue what she was on about or why she was having such a panic.
When all this (and plenty more!!) failed to get him the reacton he was so desperately looking for he stepped up his game and the attempts on my life began.. He had realised he was “losing” at that point, frustration set in followed closely by the win at all costs mentatlity..
I do not bother with his facebook page, but I have not blocked him from mine, I am very careful what I post, but he is welcome to see the long summer evening walks I take with the dogs on the beach…
What utter frustration that must cause for him!
You can’t underestimate what lengths they will go to to get this response. As I posted under another topic a couple of weeks ago, I have armed response linked to panic buttons and the house alarm, a 10 pound lump hammer next to the front door, various “weapons” in the form of knives, screwdrivers, tins of oven cleaner and mentholated muscle spray stashed all over the house at various intervals, and I will use them.
Quite aside from not reacting to any stunts, continuing with your own life is very important. I struggled terribly last year literally being “holed up” in my house behind my alarm and cctv. The dogs weren’t allowed in the front garden as he was throwing poisoned meat over the wall, etc. This is no way to deal with it as in a way it is showing the stalker that they are having an effect on you, albeit not quite the one they had hoped for. Protect yourself as best you can and carry on. Have fun, go out with friends and enjoy the simple things in life.
This is my experience, and my assumptions based on actions. I do realise that there are far more psychopathic individuals out there and that not all follow the same route as above…
Just one small note on the “hyper vigilance” – my friend and i call it “fight mode” and yes, it’s 24/7. You can’t drop your guard for a second. I sat up every night glued to the cctv for months, panic button in one hand and screwdriver in the other. It’s exhausting.
However, once the stalking starts to wane and you find yourself dropping out of “fight mode” for a few hours, this is a terrible adjustment. This is (again, my opinion and experience and not necessarily that of others) is when you start to take stock of whats happened over the interaction with the individual and you actually start to think about things. And that’s when the underlying reality really hits you like a brick….
HeatherCT, I’m so sorry for your stalking experiences, and in the U.S., victims of stalking are pretty much ridiculed and blamed as if THEY “did something” to bring on such unwarrented “attention.” It’s not about unrequited love, but about psychological terrorism.
As far as not blocking this guy from your FB page, I rather disagree that it’s safe to allow him continued access to you, on any level. If he’s cut off, entirely, he’s cut off entirely. Then, again, this guy is so dangerous that it’s impossible to predict what he’ll do next! And, this is what “authorities” simply FAIL to understand: the anxiety is 24/7 because it might seem to ebb, and when that hyper-vigilance begins to wane, they jump right back into the fray and cause uber-hyper-vigilance and anxiety. It’s terrorism. Plain and simple, and it’s a symptom of a VERY disordered person.
Stay safe, HeatherCT.
Brightest blessings
Thanks Truthspeak, having read a bit more I think I will go and block my FB page. Trouble is, previously he had set himself up a couple of fake female persona’s that he was using, so he could still see the basics of the page that was open to public.
Interestingly I just did the MOSAIC test – It only came up with an 8 out of 10.. I know what I’ve been thru so heaven help those that come up with a 10 out of 10!
HeatherCT, were the fake profiles in any way connected with HIS profile? If so, you can block any/all profiles associated with his – all of his “friends,” etc. Which wouldn’t be a bad options, considering how dangerous this guy sounds.
I experienced stalking, harassment, and vehicular tampering, but NOTHING to the extent that you have, and I cannot imagine how you’re coping with it so well. I was a wreck!
I don’t know what the Mosaic Test is, but I’m sure I’m going to find out when I google-search it! 🙂
Brightest blessings
I have no idea truthspeak, I have blocked his email address (the one that I know of) and will go and read and see what else there is. the profies were pictureless and appeared to be female, but other than that I am clueless.
I think it was you talking about nails etc, in your driveway, I had a giggle at this as I regularly comment to my friends about a hardware store in my driveway.. Same manual they all run on!
Last year I was a complete wreck. Especially when he tried to send his co-accused after me. I phoned his lawyer when I had a visitor or a stunt (even in the middle of the night) and I gather from a source close that is lawyer was sitting him down just about every day telling him to leave me alone and threatening to withdraw as defence counsel should he not. It was at the conclusion of the trial that it really started to get nasty and of course the lawyers protection was no longer there. I knew nothing about the drugs he was bust with, all that was because I would merely have exposed his jerry springer lifestyle and sociopathy had I taken the stand.
I live with it as part of my life, (thats why I don’t “appear” to be a wreck) I see it as “normal”. I never go out (even to the corner shop) without locking the dogs inside and setting the alarm (and having a knife in my pocket). I check my tyres, brake cables etc before I drive anywhere, I check the road up and down before I leave, I phone the armed response to escort me home if I arrive after dark or see something I am uneasy about.
But I refuse to let him stop me living…
I have a very dear friend who went thru a simlar situation a few years back and she has been a godsend. Of course I couldn’t talk to anyone about anything at that stage either because of the ongoing trial, and subsequently have learnt to be very careful what I say to who. I have got past the stage where I care at all what people think of me. I think I could quite enjoy being a mad old bat anyway :).
HeatherCT, wow…..just, wow….
GOOD FOR YOU for blocking him, entirely, now!!!
Talking to people about what we’re experiencing when we’re being stalked is like talking to an eggplant. Even when I was filing complaints with various police departments, they ALL just stared at me as if they were a bunch of week-old vegetables. It simply did not register with them that being stalked was simply being terrorized, on every level.
Once police officer that I spoke to got an earful and I told him that the smirk on his face would disappear if it were HIS wife or HIS daughter that was too terrified to even open their front door or turn the ignition on in their car for fear of it having been tampered with. The smirk on his face sure disappeared and was replaced with absolute contempt.
Nothing wrong with being a “mad old bat,” HeatherCT! I’m quite comfortable in that skin! 😀
Brightest blessings
Heather, I am assuming you live in UK or somewhere you can’t have a gun, but that you are at least able to afford a place to live that has access to…I’m sorry that this jerk won’t leave you alone, but it sounds like you have made the best of a bad situation. I’m kind of in the same situation with the threat at least of stalking but as long as my son is in prison I don’t know WHO it is….and even if he got out he might find someone else to do his dirty work.
KEEPING the mind set of living with CAUTION and not TERROR is sometimes difficult and is for me anyway a continual task.
It would be nice to feel SAFE in our homes and our world, but sometimes we also have to face the reality that NO ONE is entirely safe in this world, there are always crooks and thieves and rapists and murderers.
Yeah, the police are largely ineffective and I almost smacked one when I presented him with a list of text msgs and voicemails (about 4 pages in a week) and he asked me “what did you do to this poor guy?”- he clearly was under the impression that he was a love sick little puppy dog… ICK.
I’m in Cape Town,South Africa Oxy. I could probably have a gun but have elected not to for fear that I would use it. With his stunts and malicious damage he has pushed me to the point where I could use a weapon out of anger rather than self defence so I would rather not go there. He isn’t worth the consequences.
You hit the nail on the head with the “caution and not terror” comment.
You cannot allow them to see that they are terrorizing you, otherwise they have “won”… and effectively they have taken your life, even though you may stil be breathing, you aren’t living any more.