Here’s the worst lie a partner can tell you and what to do about it

If you’re looking for a romantic relationship and you’re also reading Lovefraud, you probably have some awareness of sociopaths and you’re trying to figure out how to not hook up with one. To help you, I will reveal the worst lie that a partner can tell you. If you encounter this lie, you absolutely should not excuse it.

Lying sociopaths

All sociopaths lie. This presents those of us who are honest with a huge problem.

First of all, sociopaths are really good liars. They’ve been lying all their lives. They tell big lies, little lies, stupid lies. They mix lies with the truth. They lie like they breathe.

Secondly, human beings are really bad lie detectors. Research shows that most people can spot a lie only 53% of the time. That’s not much better than flipping a coin.

Therefore, we don’t know when sociopaths are lying. In fact, it may take a long time for us to realize that our partner is a sociopath, and he or she has been lying about something really important since the beginning.

The worst lie

So what’s the worst lie that a partner can tell you? It’s a lie about who he or she is.

For example, my ex-husband, James Montgomery, told me that he was a decorated war hero who served multiple tours in Vietnam with the Australian military. He told me he won the Victoria Cross, Australia’s highest military honor, for his heroism in battle. He told me he was still in the military, still going on Special Forces missions, when I met him in 1996. He showed me his ID.

Read more: How to spot a romance scam

He didn’t just say this to me. He told all his business contacts. He joined the local Vietnam Veterans Association. He spoke to schoolchildren about his service. He was the keynote speaker at Veterans’ Day ceremonies.

None of it was true. James Montgomery was never in the military.  He lied about all of it.

Typical of sociopaths

Lying about their identity is a typical sociopathic strategy. I asked about this in the research for my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud — 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.

The question was, “When you first met, or early in your involvement, did the individual claim to be any of the following, which you later learned to be false?” A total of 1,153 survey respondents answered the question, and more than half of them said their partners lied about who they were. Here is what they reported:

False identities in romantic partners

• Religious/born again — 19%
• Credentials/ college — 19%
• Businessperson/ employed — 17%
• Entrepreneur — 15%
• Special forces/military — 10%
• Star athlete/ musician — 10%
• Financially stable — 8%
• Single/ relationship status lies — 7%
• Law enforcement/ CIA/ spy — 4%
• Medical professional — 2%
• Clergy — 1%
• None — 48%

These basic credentials obviously affect someone’s desirability and suitability as a life partner. When sociopaths lie about who they are, it’s a major lie. So what do you do if you discover it?

What to do about a fake identity

If you learn that your partner has been lying about his or her fundamental identity, end the relationship.

The reality is that you have no relationship. The person who you thought was your partner does not exist. Plus, if this person can lie about who he or she is, well, that’s probably just the beginning of the lies. Your partner cannot be trusted.

Now, when you discover the awful truth, your so-called partner may say something like, “I was afraid if I told you the truth, you wouldn’t accept me.” And yes, that’s probably correct. But the whole point of a relationship is to reveal who you are and be loved for who you are. Honesty and trust are the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Years later, discovering the lie

It’s quite possible that you might not discover your partner’s fundamental lie for years. By the time you learn the truth, you may have a house, kids, and more entanglements. Still, my advice stands.

The worst lie your partner can tell you is a lie about who he or she is. This lie shatters your trust, and even if you try to rebuild, there will always be a cloud of doubt hanging over the relationship. There’s no point in continuing. Get out as soon as you can.

Learn more: Free! The Basics — Love Fraud and how to avoid it