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By | September 8, 2014 26 Comments

Hooked by a sociopath – again

bigstock-Protect-your-heart-sizedA week ago, a Lovefraud reader returned.

She first wrote to Lovefraud in 2008, as she was scrambling to get away from a man who she thought was her true love, but turned out to be a sociopath.

She read Lovefraud articles and posted comments for a couple of years, and then moved on.

Until a week ago, when she sent me an email with the subject line, “I’m back.” She’d become involved with another sociopath.

“How could I be so stupid?” she wrote. “And this time is much much much much worse than the last.”

Another sociopath

Why does this happen? Why do we get rid of one problem person, only to find another one?

Before we are educated, we may run across one exploitative individual after another, but don’t realize that there’s a common denominator among them that they are all sociopaths. We haven’t yet learned that there is a psychological reason for their manipulative behavior.

But once we spend time on Lovefraud, we know.

We know that some men and women are simply disordered. We know that these disordered people are not going to change. We know the warning signs to look out for.

So after we know about sociopaths, why do we fall for them again?

Is it a case of, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me?”

No, it’s not.

Deeper injury

If we fall for another sociopath after we’ve learned that they exist, it means we have more healing to do.

The healing may be related to the previous sociopath, the one that initially led us to Lovefraud. But most likely, the healing that we now need is related to an older and deeper emotional injury.

Remember, sociopaths are able to hook us because they target our vulnerabilities. Sometimes the vulnerability is obvious, like a woman who is single, getting older, and wants to have children before it’s too late. (That was me.)

But sometimes the vulnerability goes back further. We may have had disordered parents or siblings. We may have been abused by a teacher, clergyman or family friend, but were afraid to remember it.

Sometimes we weren’t mistreated at all. But we had deep-seated beliefs that we were unwanted or unlovable beliefs that made us a target.

Whatever our vulnerabilities, sociopaths sense them, like sharks sense blood in the water.

Ready to heal

Believe it or not, another encounter with a sociopath may be a good sign a sign that we are finally ready to work on the really deep wounds within us.

The first sociopath may have drawn our attention to the emotional injuries that were fairly close to the surface of our awareness. We cried, we kicked and screamed, we released the negative emotion of the relationship.

But when we encounter another sociopath, one “much much much much worse,” and begin to process the pain of the experience, we may see that it is directly connected to a deeper injury.

When the deeper injury occurred, we may not have had the awareness or strength to deal with it. So we swept it under the carpet, walled it off in a corner of our being, and did our best to move on.

But now we do have the strength.

Embrace the healing

So Life brings us another sociopath. Why? To help us excavate all of the remaining pain, from this relationship and every negative experience that came before it.

Embrace the healing. Focus on letting go of any internal injuries that you’ve tried to ignore.

When you make a complete recovery, you’ll be able to spot any future sociopaths right away and prevent them from entering your life.

You’ll also be happy, healthy, vibrant and totally alive. Life will respond by bringing you wonderful people and experiences.

 


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angelina

hugs to all.

Stargazer

I wish I knew who this was. I came here in 2008, so it is probably someone I used to blog with frequently. I wish they would stop in here and say hello.

I’m fairly lucky that I have not gotten involved with another sociopath after the one in 2008. They are all cheaters, and I run at the first hint of cheating. I cannot tolerate it. It would not fly with me for a guy to say, “Oh I have ended the affair I was having with so-and-so.” Even if a guy is having an emotional affair, I’m out the door. It seems I have tolerated other kinds of bad behavior, but not cheating. It is my saving grace. Dating is still very confusing and difficult for me. I really need a dating coach. Really. I am trying to learn to let go and move on frequently – it seems much harder than when I was younger. I’m soon to be 54 and would rather not be out there dating at my age.

Imara

Sweet Stargazer…I’ve always loved your contribution to the LF community and have benefitted from your wisdom!!
I’m 53 and have been single for the past almost 5 years. Did not think I would ever have a second chance but I am wrong!!!
I was ( like you) apprehensive about the whole dating thing…did not go there….but was introduced to a friend’s brother in the last six months. He was recently( about 2 years ago) widowed, and my friend set us up quite discreetly and I have to say effectively!!!
My point is..could you just ask people you know and love, to set you up with others who they think would be a good match for you??
I am very clear about what I want in another relationship. If its not fun I’m done!!!! ( learnt that from you ).
I’ll keep you guys posted on how things develop for me..After having done couple’s work for 28 years I know that under the best of circumstances it is hard to make second marriages work. For me any relationship will have to progress toward commitment or it will not work.
Let your friends help you by weeding out basic compatibility issues…then open yourself to fun!!!
I smile to myself sometimes because being courted again is actually very healing in and of itself…this time I’m wiser and older and that’s a huge positive!!!!!

Stargazer

Hi Imara! Nice to hear from you. Thanks for the inspiration. Are you a couples therapist, or were you in couples therapy for 28 years? I have had a few introductions through friends, but even if a guy looks good on paper and has all the right qualities does not mean I will feel attraction toward him. I need to feel some attraction. More often than not, the ones who are attractive to me are also attractive to a lot of other women, and they are out playing the field. This didn’t matter when I was younger – I could have any man I wanted. Now that I’m older, I feel like I’m in competition with the younger more predatory women. It would probably be easier for me to marry someone for stability and security and take a lover on the side. But I don’t want that.

I recently was spending a lot of time (for nearly a year) with a slightly older man who adored me. He was always there for me, and we had fun together. But I just couldn’t even bring myself to kiss him. Also, though I enjoyed the stability and companionship, he wasn’t very adventurous, and ultimately I just lost interest. There are many women who would kill to be with a guy like that. I am an unusual person and wouldn’t match up with many men. Just the fact that I keep two boa constrictors scares off 98% of the men I date. 🙁

Prior to that, I developed a strong attraction to a man a little older than me who was my regular dance partner. The attraction seemed mutual, but he was very gun shy about dating anyone. I waited a year on several of our mutual friends’ advice. I waited in vain. He was and still is out there playing the field – at least on the dance floor. I got hurt very badly. You’d think a shared hobby would be a great way to meet men! I have not met one date-able man in the salsa world!

This has been very difficult for me. It seems it would be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for someone like me to find a mutual attraction with a date-able man! I try to stay very positive. I stay in shape and go out a lot. It gets hard sometimes keeping it up. I am starting to feel discouraged.

Imara

Stargazer you don’t need the 98% who run away!!!! Just that perfect one person who you can trust and adore!!!
I am an LCSW and have done couples counseling as part of my work. In my own life I never did get the chance to do any therapy with my ex. His discard was swift and brutal….In retrospect I am very grateful that I did not experience the married and miserable space.
I remember your experience with that dance partner…I recall that you had to garner tons of inner strength to detach from that going no where relationship. Use that strength to propel you on!!. I used to say that the chances of my entering another relationship are slim to none and slim just left town!!!! I’m keeping my wishes positive for you too!! If it’s right for you it will work out at the right time and in the right way!! As this article points out though, and as Oxy used to say…ultimately it boils down to being all about US!!!

Stargazer

Thanks, Imara. I will try and stay positive. I need to take breaks now and again because there just seem to be so many disappointments. I really enjoyed the companionship of the non-attractive guy. It made me long to have a companion. After 54 years, I just feel life would be better enjoyed with someone else in it besides me. I have no family, and friends come and go. I have done so much in my life, but I have never known real love with a partner being. I would like to have that experience before I leave the planet. I can only surmise that I am still not ready.

I’ve gotten into a rut with my office job, and after two weeks of vacation, am figuring out a way to quit and do something I love that will pay my bills. The dancing, sunbathing, blogging, shopping, and socializing – strangely – doesn’t do it. lol I think bringing more happiness into my life and having a job more congruent with my gifts and talents will put me more into contact with like-minded people.

slimone

Stargazer,

Your posts about what kind of relationship you need really feel familiar to me, and in a small way they frustrate me (probably because I can so relate). So, I want to share a bit of my relationship journey and see if it is at all helpful to you. If it is, great. If not, just enjoy the story!

I have mostly dated exceptionally handsome men. Men who could have any girl they desired (and most of them did, even when we were together). They were also, generally, charming, ‘exciting’, and ‘catches’. These were the players. I would be hurt and sad when these relationships ended- but mostly I knew I was young and attractive and another man would always be there when I wanted one. They showed up in a pretty steady stream.

My main interest in these men were:

1. I was ATTRACTED to them, and
2. It was interesting and exciting.

I was a serial monogamous type. I did settle down for one long period. But mostly my relationships went from 3 months to a year. One disappointment after another. Me always bitching about what losers men are. I wanted someone who was EVERYTHING: fill in the blank.

Then I had the spathy relationship that sent my world into the abyss (in my late 40’s). He was, by far, the most handsome and energetic man I had ever dated. I felt more beautiful and exciting in his company. I was intensely attracted/sexually. Women who took his classes looked at me like I had won the relationship lottery. I was in my mid 40’s, still very fit, successful in my work, making bank, owned my own home, and ready to have the biggest, most amazing, and exciting relationship of my life.

I had spent 13 years with a gorgeous, but not very exciting man (though I love him still, and we are friends), and I was ready for the WHOLE ENCHILADA. I thought I had finally found that perfect sexual connection, with someone who shined such a flattering light on my life, and who was ‘making things happen’ in his life.

But we all know how it ends with a sociopath. This story is no different. I was cruelly belittled, abused, and dumped. I felt unattractive and stupid, a fool.

I vowed to look more than skin and sexuality deep the next time around. I vowed to let go of my ‘unrealistic’ expectations.

My dating life was dismal as one boring, unattractive man after another decided I was the love of his life. I kept looking for the zing without the stinger. But I couldn’t even find the zing.

Within a year I met another disordered man. Really not very cute. But a dancer, so at least culturally interesting and smart, creative. I decided, in a rather misdirected way to put my judgement of his appearance on hold. He was talkative, worldy, unassuming and VERY interested in me. I took the plunge and slept with him after a few months….It wasn’t long before his disorder showed up loud and clear (he stalked my for nearly 2 years).

So, I was left in a kind of WTF limbo as far as what was attractive to me, what was ‘good’ for me, what I wanted and needed, and what I was allowing.

During the same time as the last unattractive stalking spath I had another man interested in me. He was of slightly above average looks, older by 10 years, not particularly well to do, and I wasn’t physically attracted to him. There were no sparks. He was consistent, kept his word (called when he said he would, etc). Nothing terribly exciting but I liked him, felt comfortable with him, and he was respectful, funny, a good listener, and no nonsense. He made it clear we could be friends, and that he would honor that, but that he thought we could be more.

We became friends: hiking, talking on the phone periodically, going out for lunch. When I dated the stalker I cut it off with him, and explained I could not sleep with one man, and hang out with another when I knew he was attracted to me. He was totally respectful and told me he understood. He stayed away. He stopped calling, and didn’t text or contact me in any way. I sorta forgot about him.

I called him 6 months later, invited him to dinner. By dessert I had kissed him. We did not sleep together. But I was definitely attracted. Something in me had shifted. I KNEW he was good for me, in the most exciting way I had ever experienced. I WANTED was was truly good for me. (that sounds hokey, huh? But I don’t know how to say it differently).

This is the man I married 3 years ago. I cannot explain, exactly, what happened here. What I know is that he is not my ideal physical type. But he is the deepest, most profound love I have ever had in my life. He is kind, funny, respectful, intelligent, loyal, fierce, hard working, and no one’s push-over. He is highly empathetic. Our physical relationship makes us both happy. Is he an Adonis to look at? Nope. Was this an adjustment for me. Yep. Do I wish he was. No. I can finally say I love someone exactly as they are. This is so freeing.

Keep searching Stargazer. I get it, that you WANT someone to share your life with. I really did too. Some of what is ‘true’ for you right now, may fall away, when you least expect it to. It may change into something you don’t entirely plan. Be open, be smart, dig deep, and love yourself through the process.

Sincerely,
Slim

SER

Slim…I did not realize you were married. Thank you so much for this post…pretty awesome. The same thing happened to me, but on a much, much smaller scale. I posted it here months ago, but no one ever replied. I wrote that I finally met a good man and it’s something I never, ever thought would happen. It will be four months Friday and we are more and more in love. No sex. We are waiting for marriage. I realize that is not for everyone, but it is for us. We want to do what WE feel is right. He loves his parents (we spent the day with them on Sunday)and his family and prays with me all the time. I met him serving at church. He was really looking for a relationship with a good woman. He had dated so many women who just wanted to jump into sex with him and after he was baptized last October, he did not want that anymore. Yes, he has a lot of baggage from previous marriages and relationships, but that was all before he really had a strong relationship with Christ. He treats me like a princess…I just pray that it or he does not change. That is something that scares me and comes from the scars of being conned by a spath…I do have trouble trusting. But so far he has absolutely proved himself. I guess I just remember all the horror stories on here about how guys were so wonderful at first and then they changed, but I have talked with his nephew and he told me that everything I see is true…this is the real guy…what I am seeing is what I get. I too was not ready AT ALL for a relationship and absolutely was NOT looking, but I served at an event at church one evening in May and boom…there he was. He was ready for a relationship and was looking. I have told him that sometimes I feel like I was just “the next one,” but I have had to get over that. In a way, I was “the next one,” but he is the type of guy who wants love and will keep going until he finds it and has now found it with me. His whole family knows how much he loves me. I was gone over Labor Day weekend to a friend’s wedding to a far away place and I guess he went crazy. His nephew told me he was going crazy without me around. And we haven’t even had sex! This is the way to do it…you want them to love you for you and not just the sex. We have a very strong emotional bond and that is extremely important. Anyway, thank you Slim for allowing everyone to see that it IS possible to love again. It may take a long time like it did for me…over four years and those four years felt like a lifetime. I thought I would NEVER get over spath and to be honest, the scars are still there and he does pop up in my head still from time to time, but I have moved on. Some things we just never get over, but that doesn’t mean we need to stop our lives and go to our graves alone. I have learned this now. God Bless you and everyone here.

rgc112063

Slim, you have made a transition from requireing someones appearance and sexuality to jiggle your thing, to allowing yourself to begin at the admiration side of the equation. lots of us start out as you described yourself in the beginning. it seems as we thought our “type” was defined by physical attraction. it was as simple as our belief becoming our reality. we believed in something on the outside, and always found the truth hiding beneath it.
now you have begun,(mistakenly? by accident? who cares???)on the other end of the equation. eh? you began by discovering what was on the inside first. and viola! no surprises! your attraction is still about what you believe, and your perception. you admire based upon core values now. these are things which cant be easily hidden or changed.(or faked) this is a solid foundation. watch as time, experience, and admiration grow. your visual perception may change too. you may find yourself becoming more aroused than ever, albeit more slowly. I bet if you remain patient and watchfull, that this is what you will find.
sometimes we get the cart before the horse. eh?

respectfully
rgc

Escapefor1

I too have found love after a relationship with a sociopath. I think the risk of getting involved with another sociopath comes from two things mostly.

One, we are attracted to something which the sociopaths have in abundance. That does not mean that everyone we are attracted to is a sociopath. I’ve come to realize that I am attracted to male leader types. There is a quality of intensity to them that I find mesmerizing. But I have now met other men who have those qualities in different versions who are not sociopaths. It is just that sociopaths have this in spades — or seem to. So, one thing is to be very clear about what attracts you most and how you can differentiate sociopaths from that.

Two, many times, we have a blind spot because we are used to being treated in ways that sociopaths treat us. That does not mean our family or origin were sociopaths, but they may have acted in some ways to some degree at some times like sociopaths. So, we saw sociopathic behavior as normal and did not run as others might. Another part of healing is learning what is “normal” so we can distinguish sociopaths.

I really did not believe in Donna’s last sentence in the article –that it could happen for me — ever. But it has! I am happy, calm, vital, joyous — all words I had thought deleted from my personal vocabulary. You never know how it will come about. Hang in there and try to focus on the good!

slimone

Escapefor1,

I totally get what you are saying that there is something the spaths have that we were attracted to. And we need to find that in a non-disordered person.

My husband is a strong person, very self-directed. But with him it is real, he has a solid ‘self’ that drives him forward, his values are consistent and true. I thought this was what I was finding in the spath, but with him it was all an act. He had no ‘self’. His self and values changed with his environment. He pretended to be many things to many people.

My husband is who he is no matter the context. He can be counted on.

As for the blind spots. It is really helpful to figure out what those are, so that we can be more aware of where we need some fortification. I think of these as false beliefs too. Or conditioned responses. Or conditioned expectations.

Some of my ‘blind spots’:

1. Everyone is good deep down inside. This made me blind to people’s ill intentions, and how their actions didn’t match their words.

2. It is probably my fault. This made me try and fix things that were not mine to fix, and allowed people to continue NOT to take responsibility for themselves. I was blind to my own boundaries, and other’s responsibilities.

3. I always felt I was different, unique. This made me seek out other’s who were also different. This sometimes made me blind to ‘normal’, nice, solid people.

bscharming

Hi, good time for this article. I am post 17 months no contact with my ex who is living with the
woman he cheated on me with for many years. She actually wrote alot on this site- scary. She has
no idea that he contacts me . Yesterday i got the fireworks in an email. Now he is using god,
religion , a rabbi for me to contact inorder to become quote amicable. He has tried everything to
bring me back to his triangle- i have done NO CONTACT FOR 17 MONTHS. in april i started
to date another man- quess what – on facebook i saw him with another girl all lovey and stuff.
again- my family warns me that he too is bad news and they were right. Now i am being
stalked by both of them telling me what to do. I am doing what Donna says- NO CONTACT.
It is hard but i need to keep healing. Went back to reading the red flag book and any words of
wisdom i would appreciate. Feeling very low.

Hi, Donna and all. I hope the lady checks in to find that she is not held in any disregard because of a “second time around.” What amazing courage to “see” it. And I realize that hurt is tremendous, but returning to your site for help is a REALLY good sign!

Perhaps because of age and the lack of rampaging hormones, after my encounter, I healed on many levels, but lived in a rather lackluster 2-dimensional world. It has been 5 years and True and open joy is returning.

I wish this person continued healing and in that, self awareness. I am proud of her as one person to another – for her courage to get help.

Thank you, Donna…excellent reminder that the disorder EXISTS and one must be aware of the fact.

Vision

Hi Stargazer,

Vision here! I too got started here on LF back around the same time. Sure miss Oxy….she really gave us some sound advice and I keep her iron pan on my “wall” just in case I start to act stupid..LOL

At any rate, yes, I too mirror your situation. When you said,”I’ve gotten into a rut with my office job, and after two weeks of vacation, am figuring out a way to quit and do something I love that will pay my bills. The dancing, sunbathing, blogging, shopping, and socializing ”“ strangely ”“ doesn’t do it. lol I think bringing more happiness into my life and having a job more congruent with my gifts and talents will put me more into contact with like-minded people.” ……….

exactly what I said yesterday.

Same situation. I took some extra time off and spent time at the pool in our community and at least made a very nice friendship with the lifeguard. He is young enough to be my son. Its not romantic. But his maturity and kindness, his insight and good heart has shown me what I was missing from my last relationship with the sp. I got more empathy, understanding and adult conversation in the two months of knowing him then the 5 years of roller coaster riding with the ex.

I just got word that my superiors on job want me to give more of my time to the projects on hand. Its a contract job so I can just move on but can’t right now. Need another. So if we have a situation that isn’t working for us then we have learned by now to change it to something better…..

I am confident I will find a way. I too want to have that special relationship.

How To Find A Good Man:

I believe that the way to “find” someone is to not “search” for anyone…..I know that even so right now I am not in a job I love. My situation where I live is not what I want. I feel that changing our lives to bring harmony, peace and love into our hearts, doing what we really love (and not to sound cliche!!) but real, by doing this we will be more open to the right relationship.

We might view ourselves as Zena Warriors when we come out of bad relationships. With full body armor and wielding our swords, protecting our hearts with our shields…..at least I did..LOL

We set up a fortress around ourselves. A huge boundary none dare pass…..Up goes the drawbridge….down goes the iron gate….and there are no dashing knights on white horses to declare love to us and scale the tower….

But there is just the average male….the good guys….we know we can be vulnerable like our friend who involved herself again with another sp. as told above……

But those good guys are out there. somewhere. and they are looking for you….and me….someone just like us…..but we can’t go hunting like Zena and her sidekick Gabrella for that man…..more then likely we will run into another sociopath….

I have confidence in my attained skills in recognizing an sp and I have found many in the last couple years and stayed away or got them out of my life, both males and female. At work, at play….

I am on my quest of improving my present arrangement of work and where I am living. I am improving me…

So I am not looking for that right man….He will find me….am I really open to that? …..is my heart open? …..the answer is a yes, because I won’t let my past experiences or the ones involved rob me of my soul…..and Zena Warrior Princess is waiting around to defend me just in case one comes along again…..

Love to you all. Us oldtimers need to stick together as Oxy would probably say….Love that woman!!!

Thanks for letting me vent here!

Vision……”I see strong women with loving hearts happy in love with the right guy”

thetenthchair

Love finds you when you least expect it. But what Vision said is so true. The way to find a good man is to stop looking. Find yourself first and the rest of it will follow. I’m 4 yrs out of a disastrous relationship, complete with millions of dollars lost and finding out he was a pedophile. Now I speak to none of my children as they blame me for not stopping his insane behavior. I met a lovely man on Match right as I exited that relationship, with the clear intent (which I verbalized to him) that it would not be serious or long term. I have my own company, my own money and didn’t need a husband or sugar daddy. He accepted the date with this in mind. He has 3 teenage sons and he is a devoted father, an ethical business owner and one of the most honest people I ever met. I know his mother, his extended family, his college buddies, and even his high school friends. No red flags, no broken promises, no drugs, gets buzzed on a single beer. Monogamous and loyal. Almost too good to be true. 4 yrs later, he has never given me a single second to doubt his character. We maintain separate homes 10 minutes apart from each other and see each other every day. The words I would use to describe my life now? Peaceful, content, happy, sensuous and fun. No drama, no BS. I walk around with a silly grin on my face just out of sheer joy.

A few weeks ago, my 12 yo niece came to live with me. I had proclaimed to all that I wanted NO MORE KIDS. But here I am, raising this young, very sweet, very smart girl , and I’m amazed how centered I feel. I’ve learned to be vigilant without smothering, and the importance of paying attention – really paying attention.

Do we get second chances? I believe we do. Will I do this right this time? You betcha. As is tattooed on my back, “Life is Good”. Not a day goes by that I don’t count my blessings.

Vision

Thetenthchair:

What a great encouraging story! I liked the “silly grin on your face just out of sheer joy”!!

I too count my blessings…I also liked the “vigilant without smothering and paying attention”..great advice!

Thanks, Vision

undertheradar

Thetenthchair

You’re an inspiration to al of us that life can be a happy place and we can find a new and improved partner that doesn’t cause chaos, nit that I’m ready for it yet as I’ve only been out 10 weeks. I do hold the vision of one day enjoying the things that I like with a special someone and you are confirmation to hold onto those thoughts ★

Comille54

I admire those of you that have ventured out to connect with another partner and wish you all the best that life has to offer. It’s been six years since I have been divorced from a spath. I still do not date. At almost 60 years old, I’ve realized that I will spend the rest of my life alone. Why not, it’s not so bad. It is actually peaceful. I was alone the entire time I was legally married. The life that I had was full of betrayal, abuse and deception. Any “good times” were nothing but an illusion anyway. I guess my “trust gland” is still in need of treatment. Is there a serum on the market for that?

thetenthchair

I don’t know if you sought the help of a therapist, but if you haven’t, please try, and if you have keep trying until you find the right one. I’m no spring chicken and I NEVER imagined starting over at 51. But it’s possible. You’re right, being alone isn’t bad and it sure beats being in bad company. But I get the feeling that you want more out of the decades you have left. Fill your mind with good thing, good books, good movies, good people – they ARE out there. Volunteer, adopt a pet, little steps to fill your life and heal your heart. AS for your “trust gland” you just have to learn to trust IT again.

angelina

I am not well…

Got all my medical tests back from last week….

ALL BLOOD NORMAL. NO STDS.

My hair is coing out in clumps! How is is possible that stress could do this?

I have to admit to you. I fell in love with this man. Truly did. I am so confused.

do not worry…. I am seeng a therapist tonite….

but I cant sleep.
my appetite stinks and to be honest…. I wish I would die.
no…. I am not suicidal…..
but I think it is too much too have loved someone this deeply….

and to feel so rejected.

My body has betrayed me… if you saw the hair in the shower this am… you would think I had none left on my head. thryoid… blood… iron all fine.

slimone

Kittylover,

Oh gosh…I can feel your pain, right in the pit of my stomach. I am really sorry you have to go through this. So many of the people here (and not here any longer) have lived (and hated it) through this part of the process. It totally sucks. I know.

That’s why I go by ‘slim’. When I started posting here I had gotten down to 99# when I was dumped. I weigh 108# now, and am still slim. So I was a bag of bones. I couldn’t eat, sleep, think straight, smile, plan, organize, or care. I was so depressed I couldn’t perform at my job, did some CRAZY things there, and was eventually invited to leave my position (which I did, but not until I made a complete fool of myself).

It is a tough tough time, when our hearts have been filleted.

Grief opens us up, makes us raw. But it can be gotten through. You will make it, as so many of us have. It means taking each painful moment as it comes. It means getting support from people you TRUST, who are completely supportive of you. It means staying away from situations and people who make you feel weird, no matter how little. It means eating bites and sips. It means doing all the things you would do for a little kid, who cannot take care of themselves, and with that amount of love. You are soft, hurting, and sick right now…..go super easy on yourself.

Good for you for seeking therapy. I did too, and for me it was a lifesaver. Truly. So were the two aware friends I had, and my kitty.

Also, think about reading the entire series of articles on ‘Healing from a psychopath’, here on Lovefraud. The articles are by Kathleen Hawk. They are a superb blow by blow description of all phases of healing. I found so much of myself in her articles, and felt really validated by that.

Take good care…every little act of kindness you show yourself will help you

Slim

angelina

slim one…

thank you so so very much.

I work with seniors. Music therapy. I tried palying piano yesterday and had to apologize b/c I could not step messing up.

huge hug….

as for my kitty… she is saving my life!
Her name is Natasha. A long haired… black.. manx mix.

slimone

Thanks goodness for Natasha. Mine was Obi. He was a flame point siamese, and a giant lover. Try to love yourself like you love your kitty. Be as kind to yourself as possible.

biggestdummyofall

I finally have give up on relationships with men after Spath # 3! I think I must have the words K I C K – M E written in Spath ink across my forehead that only THEY can see so when ANY man looks my way I RUN as fast as I can. I have come to the conclusion that no matter how much I know and should know what to look for, it makes no difference. I even feel I may have been harmed and scarred so much emotionally it may be IMPOSSIBLE for me to hope to have a “normal” relationship. I hope the reader who returned does not suffer the same fate as me as a repeat offender. I still have faith in love because I see others being so happy. Its just not going to happen for me because I cant allow myself to be put through that pain again as I may not make it out alive..

undertheradar

Biggest

My recently ex Path was a psycho. I was born to a Nac, moved to another Nac, then had a sociopath and finally the psychopath. It scares me knowing this pattern of attraction – what the hell is next?… but I won’t be defeated by it! I will go on to meet someone new, with the HOPE (hope is something they’ve never beaten out of me) of finding a normal decent man, if not I know the signs and I’ll be running away singing “your loss, next!”

I hope to one day find the courage to venture back out in the world without my coat of Armour and I wish this for you to.

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