UPDATED FOR 2021. Why do we escape one sociopathic partner, only to be hooked by a sociopath again? It happens. A lot. Here’s an example:
A reader first joined Lovefraud in 2008, as she was scrambling to get away from a man who she thought was her true love, but turned out to be a sociopath.
She read Lovefraud articles and posted comments for a couple of years, and then moved on.
Six years later, she sent me an email with the subject line, “I’m back.” She’d become involved with another sociopath.
“How could I be so stupid?” she wrote. “And this time is much much much much worse than the last.”
Another sociopath
Why does this happen? Why do we get rid of one problem person, only to be hooked by a sociopath again?
Before we are educated, we may run across one exploitative individual after another, but don’t realize that there’s a common denominator among them — that they are all sociopaths. We haven’t yet learned that there is a psychological reason for their manipulative behavior.
But once we spend time on Lovefraud, we know.
Read more: Recovery from the sociopath
We know that some men and women are simply disordered. We know that these disordered people are not going to change. We know the warning signs to look out for.
So after we know about sociopaths, why do we fall for them again?
Is it a case of, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me?”
No, it’s not.
Deeper injury
If we fall for another sociopath after we’ve learned that they exist, it means we have more healing to do.
The healing may be related to the previous sociopath, the one that initially led us to Lovefraud. But most likely, the healing that we now need is related to an older and deeper emotional injury.
Remember, sociopaths are able to hook us because they target our vulnerabilities. Sometimes the vulnerability is obvious, like a woman who is single, getting older, and wants to have children before it’s too late. (That was me.)
But sometimes the vulnerability goes back further. We may have had disordered parents or siblings. We may have been abused by a teacher, clergyman or family friend, but were afraid to remember it.
Sometimes we weren’t mistreated at all. But we had deep-seated beliefs that we were unwanted or unlovable — beliefs that made us a target.
Whatever our vulnerabilities, sociopaths sense them, like sharks sense blood in the water.
Ready to heal
Believe it or not, another encounter with a sociopath may be a good sign — a sign that we are finally ready to work on the really deep wounds within us.
The first sociopath may have drawn our attention to the emotional injuries that were fairly close to the surface of our awareness. We cried, we kicked and screamed, we released the negative emotion of the relationship.
But when we encounter another sociopath, one “much much much much worse,” and begin to process the pain of the experience, we may see that it is directly connected to a deeper injury.
When the deeper injury occurred, we may not have had the awareness or strength to deal with it. So we swept it under the carpet, walled it off in a corner of our being, and did our best to move on.
But now we do have the strength.
Embrace the healing
So Life brings us another sociopath. Why? To help us excavate all of the remaining pain, from this relationship and every negative experience that came before it.
Embrace the healing. Focus on letting go of any internal injuries that you’ve tried to ignore.
When you make a complete recovery, you won’t be hooked by a sociopath again. You’ll be able to spot any future sociopaths much more quickly and prevent them from entering your life.
You’ll also be happy, healthy, vibrant and totally alive. Life will respond by bringing you wonderful people and experiences.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
This article was originally posted on September 8, 2014.
Yes, you can decide to be positive, despite the sociopaths
hugs to all.
I wish I knew who this was. I came here in 2008, so it is probably someone I used to blog with frequently. I wish they would stop in here and say hello.
I’m fairly lucky that I have not gotten involved with another sociopath after the one in 2008. They are all cheaters, and I run at the first hint of cheating. I cannot tolerate it. It would not fly with me for a guy to say, “Oh I have ended the affair I was having with so-and-so.” Even if a guy is having an emotional affair, I’m out the door. It seems I have tolerated other kinds of bad behavior, but not cheating. It is my saving grace. Dating is still very confusing and difficult for me. I really need a dating coach. Really. I am trying to learn to let go and move on frequently – it seems much harder than when I was younger. I’m soon to be 54 and would rather not be out there dating at my age.
Sweet Stargazer…I’ve always loved your contribution to the LF community and have benefitted from your wisdom!!
I’m 53 and have been single for the past almost 5 years. Did not think I would ever have a second chance but I am wrong!!!
I was ( like you) apprehensive about the whole dating thing…did not go there….but was introduced to a friend’s brother in the last six months. He was recently( about 2 years ago) widowed, and my friend set us up quite discreetly and I have to say effectively!!!
My point is..could you just ask people you know and love, to set you up with others who they think would be a good match for you??
I am very clear about what I want in another relationship. If its not fun I’m done!!!! ( learnt that from you ).
I’ll keep you guys posted on how things develop for me..After having done couple’s work for 28 years I know that under the best of circumstances it is hard to make second marriages work. For me any relationship will have to progress toward commitment or it will not work.
Let your friends help you by weeding out basic compatibility issues…then open yourself to fun!!!
I smile to myself sometimes because being courted again is actually very healing in and of itself…this time I’m wiser and older and that’s a huge positive!!!!!
Hi Imara! Nice to hear from you. Thanks for the inspiration. Are you a couples therapist, or were you in couples therapy for 28 years? I have had a few introductions through friends, but even if a guy looks good on paper and has all the right qualities does not mean I will feel attraction toward him. I need to feel some attraction. More often than not, the ones who are attractive to me are also attractive to a lot of other women, and they are out playing the field. This didn’t matter when I was younger – I could have any man I wanted. Now that I’m older, I feel like I’m in competition with the younger more predatory women. It would probably be easier for me to marry someone for stability and security and take a lover on the side. But I don’t want that.
I recently was spending a lot of time (for nearly a year) with a slightly older man who adored me. He was always there for me, and we had fun together. But I just couldn’t even bring myself to kiss him. Also, though I enjoyed the stability and companionship, he wasn’t very adventurous, and ultimately I just lost interest. There are many women who would kill to be with a guy like that. I am an unusual person and wouldn’t match up with many men. Just the fact that I keep two boa constrictors scares off 98% of the men I date. 🙁
Prior to that, I developed a strong attraction to a man a little older than me who was my regular dance partner. The attraction seemed mutual, but he was very gun shy about dating anyone. I waited a year on several of our mutual friends’ advice. I waited in vain. He was and still is out there playing the field – at least on the dance floor. I got hurt very badly. You’d think a shared hobby would be a great way to meet men! I have not met one date-able man in the salsa world!
This has been very difficult for me. It seems it would be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for someone like me to find a mutual attraction with a date-able man! I try to stay very positive. I stay in shape and go out a lot. It gets hard sometimes keeping it up. I am starting to feel discouraged.
Stargazer you don’t need the 98% who run away!!!! Just that perfect one person who you can trust and adore!!!
I am an LCSW and have done couples counseling as part of my work. In my own life I never did get the chance to do any therapy with my ex. His discard was swift and brutal….In retrospect I am very grateful that I did not experience the married and miserable space.
I remember your experience with that dance partner…I recall that you had to garner tons of inner strength to detach from that going no where relationship. Use that strength to propel you on!!. I used to say that the chances of my entering another relationship are slim to none and slim just left town!!!! I’m keeping my wishes positive for you too!! If it’s right for you it will work out at the right time and in the right way!! As this article points out though, and as Oxy used to say…ultimately it boils down to being all about US!!!
Thanks, Imara. I will try and stay positive. I need to take breaks now and again because there just seem to be so many disappointments. I really enjoyed the companionship of the non-attractive guy. It made me long to have a companion. After 54 years, I just feel life would be better enjoyed with someone else in it besides me. I have no family, and friends come and go. I have done so much in my life, but I have never known real love with a partner being. I would like to have that experience before I leave the planet. I can only surmise that I am still not ready.
I’ve gotten into a rut with my office job, and after two weeks of vacation, am figuring out a way to quit and do something I love that will pay my bills. The dancing, sunbathing, blogging, shopping, and socializing – strangely – doesn’t do it. lol I think bringing more happiness into my life and having a job more congruent with my gifts and talents will put me more into contact with like-minded people.
Stargazer,
Your posts about what kind of relationship you need really feel familiar to me, and in a small way they frustrate me (probably because I can so relate). So, I want to share a bit of my relationship journey and see if it is at all helpful to you. If it is, great. If not, just enjoy the story!
I have mostly dated exceptionally handsome men. Men who could have any girl they desired (and most of them did, even when we were together). They were also, generally, charming, ‘exciting’, and ‘catches’. These were the players. I would be hurt and sad when these relationships ended- but mostly I knew I was young and attractive and another man would always be there when I wanted one. They showed up in a pretty steady stream.
My main interest in these men were:
1. I was ATTRACTED to them, and
2. It was interesting and exciting.
I was a serial monogamous type. I did settle down for one long period. But mostly my relationships went from 3 months to a year. One disappointment after another. Me always bitching about what losers men are. I wanted someone who was EVERYTHING: fill in the blank.
Then I had the spathy relationship that sent my world into the abyss (in my late 40’s). He was, by far, the most handsome and energetic man I had ever dated. I felt more beautiful and exciting in his company. I was intensely attracted/sexually. Women who took his classes looked at me like I had won the relationship lottery. I was in my mid 40’s, still very fit, successful in my work, making bank, owned my own home, and ready to have the biggest, most amazing, and exciting relationship of my life.
I had spent 13 years with a gorgeous, but not very exciting man (though I love him still, and we are friends), and I was ready for the WHOLE ENCHILADA. I thought I had finally found that perfect sexual connection, with someone who shined such a flattering light on my life, and who was ‘making things happen’ in his life.
But we all know how it ends with a sociopath. This story is no different. I was cruelly belittled, abused, and dumped. I felt unattractive and stupid, a fool.
I vowed to look more than skin and sexuality deep the next time around. I vowed to let go of my ‘unrealistic’ expectations.
My dating life was dismal as one boring, unattractive man after another decided I was the love of his life. I kept looking for the zing without the stinger. But I couldn’t even find the zing.
Within a year I met another disordered man. Really not very cute. But a dancer, so at least culturally interesting and smart, creative. I decided, in a rather misdirected way to put my judgement of his appearance on hold. He was talkative, worldy, unassuming and VERY interested in me. I took the plunge and slept with him after a few months….It wasn’t long before his disorder showed up loud and clear (he stalked my for nearly 2 years).
So, I was left in a kind of WTF limbo as far as what was attractive to me, what was ‘good’ for me, what I wanted and needed, and what I was allowing.
During the same time as the last unattractive stalking spath I had another man interested in me. He was of slightly above average looks, older by 10 years, not particularly well to do, and I wasn’t physically attracted to him. There were no sparks. He was consistent, kept his word (called when he said he would, etc). Nothing terribly exciting but I liked him, felt comfortable with him, and he was respectful, funny, a good listener, and no nonsense. He made it clear we could be friends, and that he would honor that, but that he thought we could be more.
We became friends: hiking, talking on the phone periodically, going out for lunch. When I dated the stalker I cut it off with him, and explained I could not sleep with one man, and hang out with another when I knew he was attracted to me. He was totally respectful and told me he understood. He stayed away. He stopped calling, and didn’t text or contact me in any way. I sorta forgot about him.
I called him 6 months later, invited him to dinner. By dessert I had kissed him. We did not sleep together. But I was definitely attracted. Something in me had shifted. I KNEW he was good for me, in the most exciting way I had ever experienced. I WANTED was was truly good for me. (that sounds hokey, huh? But I don’t know how to say it differently).
This is the man I married 3 years ago. I cannot explain, exactly, what happened here. What I know is that he is not my ideal physical type. But he is the deepest, most profound love I have ever had in my life. He is kind, funny, respectful, intelligent, loyal, fierce, hard working, and no one’s push-over. He is highly empathetic. Our physical relationship makes us both happy. Is he an Adonis to look at? Nope. Was this an adjustment for me. Yep. Do I wish he was. No. I can finally say I love someone exactly as they are. This is so freeing.
Keep searching Stargazer. I get it, that you WANT someone to share your life with. I really did too. Some of what is ‘true’ for you right now, may fall away, when you least expect it to. It may change into something you don’t entirely plan. Be open, be smart, dig deep, and love yourself through the process.
Sincerely,
Slim
Slim…I did not realize you were married. Thank you so much for this post…pretty awesome. The same thing happened to me, but on a much, much smaller scale. I posted it here months ago, but no one ever replied. I wrote that I finally met a good man and it’s something I never, ever thought would happen. It will be four months Friday and we are more and more in love. No sex. We are waiting for marriage. I realize that is not for everyone, but it is for us. We want to do what WE feel is right. He loves his parents (we spent the day with them on Sunday)and his family and prays with me all the time. I met him serving at church. He was really looking for a relationship with a good woman. He had dated so many women who just wanted to jump into sex with him and after he was baptized last October, he did not want that anymore. Yes, he has a lot of baggage from previous marriages and relationships, but that was all before he really had a strong relationship with Christ. He treats me like a princess…I just pray that it or he does not change. That is something that scares me and comes from the scars of being conned by a spath…I do have trouble trusting. But so far he has absolutely proved himself. I guess I just remember all the horror stories on here about how guys were so wonderful at first and then they changed, but I have talked with his nephew and he told me that everything I see is true…this is the real guy…what I am seeing is what I get. I too was not ready AT ALL for a relationship and absolutely was NOT looking, but I served at an event at church one evening in May and boom…there he was. He was ready for a relationship and was looking. I have told him that sometimes I feel like I was just “the next one,” but I have had to get over that. In a way, I was “the next one,” but he is the type of guy who wants love and will keep going until he finds it and has now found it with me. His whole family knows how much he loves me. I was gone over Labor Day weekend to a friend’s wedding to a far away place and I guess he went crazy. His nephew told me he was going crazy without me around. And we haven’t even had sex! This is the way to do it…you want them to love you for you and not just the sex. We have a very strong emotional bond and that is extremely important. Anyway, thank you Slim for allowing everyone to see that it IS possible to love again. It may take a long time like it did for me…over four years and those four years felt like a lifetime. I thought I would NEVER get over spath and to be honest, the scars are still there and he does pop up in my head still from time to time, but I have moved on. Some things we just never get over, but that doesn’t mean we need to stop our lives and go to our graves alone. I have learned this now. God Bless you and everyone here.
Wow, Slim – what a great story! Thank you
Slim, you have made a transition from requireing someones appearance and sexuality to jiggle your thing, to allowing yourself to begin at the admiration side of the equation. lots of us start out as you described yourself in the beginning. it seems as we thought our “type” was defined by physical attraction. it was as simple as our belief becoming our reality. we believed in something on the outside, and always found the truth hiding beneath it.
now you have begun,(mistakenly? by accident? who cares???)on the other end of the equation. eh? you began by discovering what was on the inside first. and viola! no surprises! your attraction is still about what you believe, and your perception. you admire based upon core values now. these are things which cant be easily hidden or changed.(or faked) this is a solid foundation. watch as time, experience, and admiration grow. your visual perception may change too. you may find yourself becoming more aroused than ever, albeit more slowly. I bet if you remain patient and watchfull, that this is what you will find.
sometimes we get the cart before the horse. eh?
respectfully
rgc
I too have found love after a relationship with a sociopath. I think the risk of getting involved with another sociopath comes from two things mostly.
One, we are attracted to something which the sociopaths have in abundance. That does not mean that everyone we are attracted to is a sociopath. I’ve come to realize that I am attracted to male leader types. There is a quality of intensity to them that I find mesmerizing. But I have now met other men who have those qualities in different versions who are not sociopaths. It is just that sociopaths have this in spades — or seem to. So, one thing is to be very clear about what attracts you most and how you can differentiate sociopaths from that.
Two, many times, we have a blind spot because we are used to being treated in ways that sociopaths treat us. That does not mean our family or origin were sociopaths, but they may have acted in some ways to some degree at some times like sociopaths. So, we saw sociopathic behavior as normal and did not run as others might. Another part of healing is learning what is “normal” so we can distinguish sociopaths.
I really did not believe in Donna’s last sentence in the article –that it could happen for me — ever. But it has! I am happy, calm, vital, joyous — all words I had thought deleted from my personal vocabulary. You never know how it will come about. Hang in there and try to focus on the good!
Escapefor1,
I totally get what you are saying that there is something the spaths have that we were attracted to. And we need to find that in a non-disordered person.
My husband is a strong person, very self-directed. But with him it is real, he has a solid ‘self’ that drives him forward, his values are consistent and true. I thought this was what I was finding in the spath, but with him it was all an act. He had no ‘self’. His self and values changed with his environment. He pretended to be many things to many people.
My husband is who he is no matter the context. He can be counted on.
As for the blind spots. It is really helpful to figure out what those are, so that we can be more aware of where we need some fortification. I think of these as false beliefs too. Or conditioned responses. Or conditioned expectations.
Some of my ‘blind spots’:
1. Everyone is good deep down inside. This made me blind to people’s ill intentions, and how their actions didn’t match their words.
2. It is probably my fault. This made me try and fix things that were not mine to fix, and allowed people to continue NOT to take responsibility for themselves. I was blind to my own boundaries, and other’s responsibilities.
3. I always felt I was different, unique. This made me seek out other’s who were also different. This sometimes made me blind to ‘normal’, nice, solid people.
Hi, good time for this article. I am post 17 months no contact with my ex who is living with the
woman he cheated on me with for many years. She actually wrote alot on this site- scary. She has
no idea that he contacts me . Yesterday i got the fireworks in an email. Now he is using god,
religion , a rabbi for me to contact inorder to become quote amicable. He has tried everything to
bring me back to his triangle- i have done NO CONTACT FOR 17 MONTHS. in april i started
to date another man- quess what – on facebook i saw him with another girl all lovey and stuff.
again- my family warns me that he too is bad news and they were right. Now i am being
stalked by both of them telling me what to do. I am doing what Donna says- NO CONTACT.
It is hard but i need to keep healing. Went back to reading the red flag book and any words of
wisdom i would appreciate. Feeling very low.
Hi, Donna and all. I hope the lady checks in to find that she is not held in any disregard because of a “second time around.” What amazing courage to “see” it. And I realize that hurt is tremendous, but returning to your site for help is a REALLY good sign!
Perhaps because of age and the lack of rampaging hormones, after my encounter, I healed on many levels, but lived in a rather lackluster 2-dimensional world. It has been 5 years and True and open joy is returning.
I wish this person continued healing and in that, self awareness. I am proud of her as one person to another – for her courage to get help.
Thank you, Donna…excellent reminder that the disorder EXISTS and one must be aware of the fact.