“The motivation (for lying) is particularly baffling in endogenous deceit when the psychopath may appear to have everything he wants yet continues quite predictably to commence the manipulative cycle.” So says Dr. Reid Meloy in The Psychopathic Mind, p121.
“I don’t think they even eat an ice cream cone just for pleasure, I think they do everything for the effect it has, or the image it presents. It isn’t about what is REAL it is about what they can appear to be. To them, I think, if they can get others to believe it, then it becomes “reality” as far as they are concerned.” So says Ox Drover in a comment on this blog.
There is complete agreement about one thing regarding sociopaths, that is lying defines them. While studies show that many people lie daily, the lying behavior of sociopaths differs in both degree and kind from “normal” lying. Sociopaths do not just misrepresent the truth in small ways to spare someone’s feelings, avoid an argument or avoid trouble. Sociopaths misrepresent themselves and this misrepresentation extends to everyone they know. (For more advanced readers, there may not be much of a self there to misrepresent.)
You don’t need a checklist
So today I can tell you with confidence that you don’t need a checklist of symptoms or a forensic expert. If you are astounded by another person’s capacity to lie and misrepresent reality you can be sure you have encountered a sociopath.
I said a few weeks ago that I think Meloy’s book The psychopathic Mind is a great contribution to humanity. In this book, Meloy puts forth the idea that we can identify “psychopaths” by observing what he calls “the psychopathic process.” I searched the book for a precise definition of “the psychopathic process” and couldn’t find one but he implies that psychopathy is defined by the way a person interacts with others and with him/herself. He also says that it is possible to identify a “psychopath” by the way that person makes you feel. If you can look within yourself and monitor your own reactions you can learn to tell when you are face to face with “the psychopathic process.”
It doesn’t “work” on me anymore!
I have learned what it feels like to be “worked” and because I know what that feels like, “it” doesn’t work on me anymore. Sociopaths do not just lie, they work people. Their relationships are an occupation for them and it’s not just a job, it’s an adventure. They will even work when there is no apparent reason to. Why do they do this? They do this because there is nothing else they can do. They have little or no capacity to look within and find an inner compass of values and pleasures. As Ox Drover points out, the only real pleasure they have is their “work.”
Dr. Meloy gives a great example of a psychopath “at work” on page 138 when he discusses a professional who was “worked” by a psychopath. Knowing that he was going to be assigned a certain probation officer, the psychopath asked others who knew her about her interests. On discovering that the woman was interested in metaphysics and the writings of Alfred North Whitehead, the psychopath went and read the writings. He then gained the respect and admiration of the P.O. because he discussed these writings as if he too had a genuine interest in them that predated his knowledge of her.
Meloy says, “He does not just play the role, observing the limits of his character, but lives the part.” People are taken in by the psychopath’s work because in the moment the psychopath really thinks and feels the part. His part is real and yet also a deception.
You know you are being worked when the things you love/enjoy are mirrored in this way. You can tell the difference between this mirroring and real sharing by the extent to which the other person tries to build your enthusiasm and point to the apparent “twin-ship” you share. This mirroring and twin-ship can occur with big things as in the metaphysics example and it can occur with little things as in the ice cream example.
Now if you know what I am talking about, you have been worked; you are likely far along in the recovery process because you know what this feels like. If you have only a vague notion of what I am saying, Dr. Meloy has other words of wisdom for you.
In the psychopathic process there is a “complete disconnect between words and actions.” If you notice that a person’s actions point south and their words point north, you are dealing with a sociopath. To be concrete, if the person says they love you and either doesn’t spend much time with you, or repeatedly harms and stresses you, you are in the middle of a psychopathic process. But remember since the person “lives the part” at the moment he/she is with you and says “I love you” there is some vague reality to the statement (especially if the person has the disorder in a lesser form, see last week). To see the psychopathic process, you have to train yourself to pay attention to both a person’s words and to remember that person’s deeds at the same time.
If you do this you will be able to see the disconnect between words and deeds and the psychopathic process. If you begin to see the psychopathic process, it is very important that you not share this observation with the psychopath. He or she will not benefit from your feedback and may even become violent. At the moment you see the process, you must discipline yourself and disconnect. If you have problems with self-discipline you likely need a therapist to help you disentangle from the psychopathic process.
Recovery and discovery are about learning to pay attention. Pay attention to yourself and pay attention to what other people say and do. Most people need help in order to learn the skill of paying attention. That is the kind of help a good therapist can give you.
In the next few weeks we’ll talk more about the psychopathic process. Please feel free to share your experience of being worked or the disconnect between words and deeds.
Twice Betrayed,
That feeling in your stomac, it’s hard to discribe, almost like you have butterflies but not quite. When you say something to the spath and they look at you like you are an idiot and you feel like you have been repremanded and are wrong. Like there is something wrong but I can’t identify it, that feeling in your stomac that churns.
Spath would tell me to “be careful what I said”, I would get the feeling and shut up. Like I couldn’t speak my mind. Now I know better, I was such a wimp, door mat. Yuck!
Hope: yes, it is. Kinda of like your stomach says, “Uh, oh.”
Sure, the P knows you are getting close to the truth and you’d better not voice it! Your job is to keep the illusion going. And his job is to rule in terror to ensure that you do! If we push these people with the truth, it can be dangerous, depending on their violence level. That’s why when we see behind the mask, take these people to task etc, the abuse escalates. The only solution is to disengage/walk. We start out thinking all they need is ‘direction’. HA! They push the envelope till they cause mass destruction all around them. More often they wind up alone, unless they are willing to ‘buy’ someone. I have two PX’s. One is alone after 5 marriages, one has bought himself a wife/maid.
Twice Betrayed,
Yup, good thing that I haven’t seen any violence, doesn’t mean that it’s not possible. I think I got myself a lower level spath, or at least not the violent type.
He is soooo afraid of being alone, probably because they have no soul and it’s hard to live alone with just your evil self. I bet they would drive themselves mad without victims to mess around with. They get off on the illusion of the mask they wear and we were all lined up saying “pick me!” Why do we grow up believing in fairy tales? Believing that people are who say they are and not mind f***ers.
Thank gosh you got rid of yours and you can watch the self destruction from a safe distance. Ultimately, you have the last laugh.
Dear Rosa:
I enjoyed reading what you had to say. Very good.
TB, my X N hub is in the process of being swindled by a woman (?) from Gianna, who is heaping on the poor me, I’m so helpless, (but so sexy) ploy and he is buying it. He wants to bring her to America. Sheesh! He just doesn’t learn. When I asked him why he didn’t just find a woman,here in America, he answered, “women here suck. I want a subserviant woman.” He apologized later, but really showed his true colors in that statement and in his behavior.
When I married him I was a single mother of two little girls on welfare (my first husband never paid a dime toward child-support and I had both kids by the time I was 20.) I LOVED him, but realize now that I wanted a rescuer:; someone who would protect me from the big bad world, and just love me forever.
Well, it wsn’t long til he tired of all the responsibility and really started to resent it. He wanted a pliant woman/girl child that would endlessly adore him, but he couldn’t really give anything back on an emotional level.
When I was about 27 I went back to school, developed a backbone and some self-esteem, and he just shut down emotionally and eventually found an adoring 17 yr old Navy recruit to bond with, intimately. (He was a Navy recruiter)
So, may point is this: He is threatened by anything he can’t control, and he doesn’t have any confidence in himself, and He hasn’t learned a damn thing in all these years…He’s still looking for a wounded bird to rescue, thinking that’s the answer. Thank God I can learn from my mistakes.
Hope: you are right! They are terrified of being alone. They can’t manage their lack of emotions and always need a ‘yes woman’.
kim: My second PX has ‘imported’ a woman from another country that needs/wants American citizenship. They always get someone in a disadvantage, so they can keep power. He also loves teen girls. I suspect his cheating with teens is still going strong. I also suspect my X is bi. I’ve seen him show the same interest for male teens.
First X will take anyone, that doesn’t cost him any $$, he worships $$.
Rosa- No I didn’t see season one–goes to show my read on people is still a bit off. You are right, “they should not get married!” I guess it does take two to tango.
Oxy-Seriously, have I been under a rock all my life?? I should know there are bad people in the world, but rotten to the core and soulless??–I was nabbed by the devil, but I got myself back! <3
Kim-Similar situation with me. S/N would repeatedly tell me, "If we ever get divorced he would find a dumb girl." He talked about "getting a young woman from another country (China/ Russia)." God help any woman that comes along–although he won't likely put the work in to get someone else and will likely make every attempt to be a thorn in my side.
Praying for a speedy divorce!
Fearless today.
Sociopaths string you along with words, but don’t produce the goods, not living up to their word, being completely without integrity. I do not see the benefit in having them on this planet if all they do is prey on people, ripping them apart.
Hi all! Hope everyone is well.
This is a great post by Dr. Leedom. She says:
If you are astounded by another person’s capacity to lie and misrepresent reality you can be sure you have encountered a sociopath.
That’s it in a freakin’ nutshell! Oftentimes, I be so astounded, as Dr. Leedom says, about my Xspaths ability to look me in the eye and say ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING to get me to believe what he wanted. And, in some instances, since I was so hypervigilant the second time around with him, that I would find out he was lying within hours, and I would say, “You JUST told me blah blah blah. When you said it, it WASN’T true.” He could say things with such sincerity that until it was proven wrong, I would think that THIS time he’s telling the truth.
And the part about them misrepresenting THEMSELVES is so spot on! That was my experience exactly, and I know everyone here can relate!
Hopeful6596
BlueJay~
So true–that Spaths string you along with words. Unspathy people are just not equipped to deal with this kind of mind f***. They really are masters at it. We just cannot relate to this level of dysfunction, nor are we any match for it.
Hopeful6596