Updated for 2019
Lovefraud recently received this letter from a woman whom we’ll call “Nina.” I’m posting Nina’s story because many Lovefraud readers have told me of similar patterns in their lives.
I love this man like I’ve never loved before. He seemed to be my soul mate. I have had two failed marriages (no sex in them).
I was touched by a neighbour starting when I was 10 and it continued for eight years. My father was totally controlling and I was not allowed friends or to go anywhere except to this neighbour. Both were depressed parents and did not show affection, only criticism.
I have always felt alone but now am — parents dead, sister dead within last four years. I am 57.
I met him seven years ago and he was totally charming and enchanting.
He pursued me for 11 months before I let him kiss me, and a year before I let him “make love.”
I have got myself totally embroiled in a situation with him and my life revolves around him. He has a partner now, his wife and seven other women that I know of.
He speaks to me in a terrible manner a lot and is demeaning and rude and cruel and thoughtless. Tells me he loves me all the time.
I can’t understand why I find it ok to let him treat me this way — I desperately want him to love me and can’t imagine not having him in my life. Feels not worth living.
We have good times together playing music and he is a good lover (I think, although I nothing to compare).
He doesn’t know I know about most of his other women but he often has us crossing paths.
I don’t want to lose what may be a relationship worth keeping, yet it causes me so much pain and torment I don’t think it can be worth it.
He owns a huge property and I live in same building paying rent. I help with any work that needs to be done, as my biggest dread is being on my own, so I work with him and his nephew.
I have myself totally tangled up with him. He sometimes seems such a caring man yet at other times a completely selfish one. Over these last six plus years I have let him become part of almost every bit of my life. I am trying to open other avenues, but have no family and no “true” friends.
I am trying to work out why it is so important to me to find out if he is a “sociopath,” as really, how he treats me should be enough for me to say that I deserve better. I have worked really hard on improving myself for over 25 years now, and although I have come a huge way, I still feel very stuck in myself a lot.
My problem is I would become homeless, know nobody and my greatest fear is being alone and rejected —can’t see a way out.
What is he — just a selfish, inconsiderate, narcissistic, thoughtless man, or am I too fussy? Sometimes he can be very nice and seems thoughtful.
Don’t feel other option/s are worth considering — all feels hopeless and useless and impossible.
I feel when I tell what I’ve allowed that I am extremely stupid and weak.
Roots of the pain
Why is Nina in this situation? I believe the roots reach back to the beginning of her life, which she explained at the start of her letter. Nina says she endured:
- Depressed parents, who showed no affection, only criticism
- A controlling father, who wouldn’t let her have friends
- Sexual assault by a neighbor from ages 10 to 18
After that, Nina had two failed marriages with no sex. So, as Nina says, she has “always felt alone.” And even though her parents contributed mightily to her pain, they are now dead, so she truly is alone.
Seven years ago the man Nina writes about showed up. In the beginning he pursued her with charm and enchantment. After she finally agreed to a physical relationship with him, his treatment of her changed. Now Nina experiences:
- Cheating — the man has a wife and seven other women
- He is demeaning, rude, cruel and thoughtless, yet still says he loves her
- He arranges for Nina to cross paths with his other women
- They have sexual relations
- Nina pays the man rent and does work for him
- The man is entangled in all aspects of Nina’s life
Cause and effect
I see a direct cause-and-effect relationship between Nina’s past and the mistreatment she is now experiencing at the hands of the sociopath — and yes, he is a sociopath.
This man’s level of disorder may be low- to mid-range — unless he’s also doing other things that Nina hasn’t mentioned. But he is definitely toying with her, cheating, and taking advantage of her. The guy is an exploiter, so in my book, he’s a sociopath.
Nina’s prior disappointments, betrayals and traumas primed Nina to be his target.
Hungry for love
Nina’s parents did not provide her with love, so I believe she did not develop a solid understanding that she, like everyone, is worthy of love. Now she is hungry for any scraps of love she may find.
“I desperately want him to love me,” she writes.
Inappropriate sexual contact
Nina was abused from age 10-18, and apparently her parents did nothing. (Her father may have even been complicit.) Nina then had two sexless marriages — which may have been her own reaction to the childhood abuse.
Then she meets the sociopath, who takes a year to get her into bed. Because of his diligent pursuit, Nina probably believed his intentions were sincere — after all, who chases someone for a year just to get laid? Well, sociopaths do — they enjoy the game.
To Nina, this sociopath seems like an accomplished lover. This may be true — many Lovefraud readers have said that the best sex they ever had was with the sociopath.
But that only covers the physical aspects of sex. Sociopaths are not capable of emotional connection, so that dimension is missing from the experience, although they can be good at faking it. But because Nina herself has not experienced healthy sex, she may not realize what it can be.
Fear of being alone
Nina says that she always felt alone. This likely resulted from the lack of warmth in her home when she was growing up, and the fact that her father would not let her develop outside relationships.
Now Nina’s family is gone, and she’s living in a building owned by the sociopath. If she wanted to end the involvement, she would probably have to move. Nina didn’t explain much about that situation, except that she fears being homeless.
Psychological love bonds
All of these issues created psychological vulnerabilities for Nina. And how do sociopaths hook their targets? They find psychological vulnerabilities and exploit them.
One way they do this is by hijacking the normal bonding process. When two people become a couple, a psychological love bond forms between them. Intimacy, both emotional and physical, causes oxytocin to be released in the brain, which creates feelings of attachment. This is all normal.
But sociopaths then create fear and anxiety in their partners, perhaps by cheating or threatening to leave the relationship. Surprisingly, this has the effect of making the psychological love bond stronger. The target wants the relationship to go back to the happy days of the beginning, and may beg, plead and appease to make it happen. Sociopaths may be willing to go along with this, if it suits their purpose at the time. So if the two kiss and make up, the bond is strengthened again.
Intermittent reinforcement
Another technique that keeps the target attached to the sociopath is intermittent reinforcement. This is classic psychology— if laboratory rats don’t know when pressing a bar will result in a food pellet, they keep pressing and pressing and pressing. The compulsion to engage in the behavior gets stronger and stronger.
Likewise, if Nina never knows when the sociopath is going to respond to her with affection, she keeps trying and trying. Any time he responds with affection, it reinforces her efforts and strengthens the compulsion she feels.
Tolerating bad treatment
Nina writes that she can’t understand why she allows the man to treat her badly. It’s because she has psychological vulnerabilities created by her family of origin and her prior experiences. The sociopath found and targeted those vulnerabilities.
Nina has experienced a lifetime of pain. The sociopath presented himself as the antidote to her pain. The love he expressed was fake, but Nina didn’t know that, so she became emotionally and psychologically entangled.
Now she feels like she has no choice but to tolerate his bad treatment. In fact, she questions whether she is being “too fussy.” This may be a psychological defense mechanism. Since she can’t change him, she may subconsciously hope that changing her own expectations will make her feel better so she can stay in the relationship.
Except that the relationship is not healthy. Nina, like all of us, is deserving of love. Real, honest love. She’s never going to get it from this man.
Full recovery
Nina’s story demonstrates a big reason why sociopaths come into our lives: to help us recover from a lifetime of pain.
Involvements with sociopaths are bad. Really bad. They are so bad that, unlike other painful experiences we may have had earlier in our lives, the devastation of the sociopath cannot be ignored. We have to face it, or we’ll fall apart.
If we examine the experience with the sociopath, we can often see that it is linked to previous life experiences. So to truly recover, we need to overcome not only the injury and pain caused by the sociopath, but the previous injuries and pain that made us vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.
Then we can achieve real healing, and a life more brilliant than we ever imagined.
Nina’s story clearly and concisely demonstrates how her past created an opening for the sociopath to exploit. I thank her for allowing me to share her story.
The next step for her, and for everyone with similar stories, is to address all the pain the recent experiences and the trauma from experiences long ago.
Lovefraud originally posted this story on March 3, 2014
Despite my education, I knew nothing about sociopaths, says ob/gyn doctor
Dorothy-
I not only agree, but I also believe that trying to find some weakness about ourselves that attracted these, pardon me, pieces of cr-p, undermines our ability to heal and prevents society from recognizing and penalizing their behavior.
That mentality plays into the societal view…… “since
people bring it on themselves, who needs to look at or do anything about it?” What an easy out to say that a parasite took what they could get because there was something wrong with me! He took what he could get because he was a lying, thieving, cheating louse!
Guess what…… they are opportunists that will turn anyone into a mark for any reason that strikes their fancy. They behave the way they do because they want to, and because they know how to.
Yes, it may be more difficult for some to grapple with the aftermath because of issues they faced previously in their lives, but they didn’t say “kick me” to the creep who ripped them off. They said, “I love you.” What a horrible thing to do to someone who cares about you!
All the best!
Joyce
jm_short…..if you look at any predatory animal, they hunt because they are hungry. They will stock, lay in wait, camouflage themselves, out run, out jump, etc etc etc…. basically they will do whatever works FOR THEM. Sometimes they pick off the easy meat,,,,,if and when they can, but other times they have to dig a little deeper, run a little faster to catch what they are after. Spathtardx is now 48 years old and has been doing his gig since he was who knows how old. I actually kicked him to the curb once at the beginning because of all the red flags( more to it then that but…..) but he managed to set the trap in a better way the second time……in a much more subtle covert way. it’s just so complex to try to retell because there were so many aspects to “the bait” and how he played the fish(me). VERY multi faceted but if I could sum up the way I felt in my head it would be a picture of me with a look on my face of utter confusion and bewilderment. Every time i thought I was in over my head, even though i had no idea I was actually drowning, he was there with just the right thing to say and just the right thing to do. For example……I usually don’t even like greeting cards. I find them sappy and trite. He gave me so many cards (mostly “Im sorry/ I love you Dorothy” cards) that were THE most perfect cards for me that I’ve ever been given! I can’t tell you how many times I told him that. “you pick the BEST cards Spathtard”! AND we live in a very small area! I kept thinking…..WHERE does he GET these wonderful cards??? Like with the slim selection we had? I don’t think if you had all the cards in the world you could find a better cards! It was WEIRD! Plain and simple……….he was VERY good at what he did.
He did enough to keep me on the hook while the entire time I was bonding and bonding deeper and deeper because I really LOVED him. He had a very soothing quality about him, we had fun, on and on and on,,,,,,,,,
the things he said to me?? I just couldn’t imagine someone saying these things and not meaning them. Was I skeptical? Yes! I always am to a certain degree but I was reassured and reassured and I know my own issues so it was easy for me to take those into consideration. just such a complex mess!
SO I see, at least in my case, the situation with Spathtardx as a separate problem than my childhood issues. I’m not saying that there aren’t areas that over lap……..my issues are a part of ANY “relationship” in my life, but i just don’t agree that there is some inherent vulnerability of mine that if it were “fixed” would have prevented this from happening. In fact, it may have been just the opposite. it may have been the fact that I ended the relationship initially that set the stage for him to dig deep and get REALLY Spathy in some kind of revenge campaign that would make MommySpathtard proud!
All the best to you Joyce!
Joyce…I love the way you say these things. My feelings exactly. I keep looking for the like button. LOL
Hello Donna
This article had my attention from the get go. Yes yes yes, I can relate in so many ways with Nina. I wont go into detail about my childhood but , yep it was messed up to say the least.. So many things that happened I blocked out ( couldnt wrap my head around it then ) so I swept it under the rug and spent most of my life in a haze…
I have said before and will say again, the encounter with the sociopath changed my life. At first it was all about ‘him’, how could he do that, how could he..why..I was consumed with what made him tick. And like Nina I thought I would die without him. But I found LoveFraud 6 years ago. In my search to figure him out I found out so much about myself. Door’s were opened for me to examine my childhood, untangle the nightmare, lift up that rug and deal with all the pain that I had swept under it. I dont know if I would of ever done that had I not been near death in a fetal position on the floor because of the relationship with the sociopath. It was get up or die, I was a mess. Lovefraud , Donna and many fine people here gave me the strength to fight for me. The sociopath was the catylist for change, do I want to hunt him down and thank him? HELL NO…To Nina I would say you are only an option to this man.. If you have come to a place in your life where your reading about sociopaths, then you are being given a life lesson – dont fail it…
Hens – thank you so much. I am glad that Lovefraud has helped you. And thank you for being supportive to Nina and others.
Dorothy-
I love your analogy. Spot On!!
I hear folks pick apart what made them a “mark” countless times, and it breaks my heart. Even as victims, we look to find a flaw or a fault that attracted him/her to us.
The fault, very simply, was being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Your paths crossed. That’s it.
Your path to the exit door and recovery, however, can be littered with your past. We all react in different ways and many of us heap blame on ourselves for the moral code we developed that kept us blind and glued.
Unfortunately, society does the same. It has not become sufficiently enlightened to separate cause from affect. Having a tough time breaking away should never be the means by which the predator gets off the hook for the harm they did.
Joyce
Joyce, I don’t doubt that many people discover many things about themselves and their pasts and their childhoods on the path to recovering from an encounter with one of these monsters, Just as people discover many things about themselves when they quit drinking, drugging, battle a major illness, accident, etc, etc, etc……. BUT, to say that the “reason” they were targeted, manipulated, used and abused is because they were treated that way as a child, to me just doesn’t make sense. I just think is’t way more complicated than that.
Personally I have not discovered one “issues” of my own that I can credit to this entanglement with Spathtardx. I am trying right now to think of something that was uncovered, previously unknown, etc. The thing that REALLY lets me know that it was something about HIM…..something different about HIM, is that I have broken off other relationshi*s in my past with men who were f’ed up. In fact…..this loosers best friend in the area where I live, lived and mooched off of me for two months under the guise of it being a mutual arrangement. “Yeah Dorothy…..this will be great…..I can help you do a bunch of things around your place” and he needed a place to stay at the time. Of course he ALWAYS something else to do, take care of, to go, other than he;ping Dorothy. I finially was able to get him to help with a couple things after b*tch*ng enough but then that stopped too. I kicked him out.
I didn’t go into this with no kahoonas…..total putty to be molded by any guy that came along. It was what HE DID, SAID, etc……how he manipulated me plain and simple and the way he did it crushed my mind, heart and more.
I’m fortunate that I didn’t marry the POS, or that I didn’t loose money to HIIM but it has cost me plenty indirectly and if he knew how much I’m sure he would be elated.
That being said, sure……along this path of destruction I’ve traveled since discovering what I believe to be the truth about him, I’ve continued to examine my past and my childhood and my issues……….once that process was started in my thirties, it’s never stopped. I was seemingly set on that path the first time I stopped drinking and my eyes were opened to things I had never seen before. So again, this encounter with Spathtardx deserves NO credit for anything positive, other than enlightening me to their putrid presence in society . Maybe I will see that differently in the future and I mean no disrespect to Donna in taking issue with the wording I’m questioning.
Joyce, it is the nature of the human mind to explain things, to have a reason, something to point to and think that it KNOWS what is wrong, how to fix it and prevent it from happening again, or in some cases to assure that it happens again.. A mind that thinks it KNOWS will never learn.
I agree. And like yourself, I’m hardly the mold of needy, low self esteem that folks like to ascribe to people who are targeted by emotional predators.
It can happen to anyone.
Joyce
there is self esteem and there is self respect. they are not one in the same. i had high self esteem my whole life. i had no self respect by age 35.
was i needy tho? i have lived close to 15yrs with NO mate (preSpath or NPD). the 1st 3 of those i dated maybe 6x total. the last 10-12 yrs NONE. i dont think that qualifies as needy lol
yet i am looked at as needy now, becuz i put up with the babydaddy spath and then found myself with a NPD 2yrs after the spath had left.
today i am dating again (4 mos post-NPD) but i find it FUN. I find life FUN. Is this how ppl have been living their whole lives??? DAMN im getting me SUM.
if someone wants to think i am needy, so be it lol
all i know is my self respect is back, i know again, i am a good person and no one’s crossing that line again and making me feel bad…foe OR so-called friend 🙂
I think getting hooked is a natural reaction to seduction. It’s our oxytocin hard at work.
Staying hooked could be related to our pasts.
I don’t pretend to have all the answers about what keeps us engaging. Some think it’s a metaphysical thing, some say it’s the result of prior abuse as we developed. The reasons can be as many and varied as the number of people who are preyed upon. And I would never chose to judge what those issues are.
But I do want society to recognize that the fault for predatory behavior lies with the predator, not the victim. And I hope to see people accept that they did nothing wrong to deserve or cause the harm that was dealt to them.
Joyce
Dorothy, JM_short is right, it was not my messed up childhood that brought the monster into my life, it was what kept me with the monster for so long. What better time to examine one’s life then after being run over by a monster. Everyone’s experience with a sociopath is different. I have been a long time reader of LF and many people like you had good a childhood, strong character and were still taken. Dont compare everyone’s experience to your’s. I have taken some responsibility in letting him treat me the way he did. That does not let him off the hook. A relationship with a sociopath is unlike any other, I could only move on in my life when I stopped focusing on the monster and focused on myself.
hens, I’m not comparing everyone’s childhood to mine. I did NOT have a good childhood, by the way. What I am saying is that this, I don’t look at this experience as anything beneficial in regards to healing my painful past. being involved with him did bring an apparently much needed reality check into my life but I would never give him credit for that even!! LOL
My involvement with this looser was much different than a lot of the stories I read. It was much more covert, insidious. If there was ever an appropriate person to use the term “wolf in sheeps clothing” he would be it. AND because it was so insidious and covert, even now…..over a year after the breakup, 9m basically NC….I am still having a hard time wrapping my head around what was true/ untrue, real/ false…….and swallowing the probable fact that it was ALL false, all a game, all a lie, etc. Why? because it was not slam dunk in your face bad, abusive, horrible. Why? because he was VERY good at what he did and I made it very easy for him to do it. I don’t know how to be guarded….it’s very confusing to me…..it feels like lying and I just can’t keep it all straight. What have I told this person about myself, what haven’t I told that person about myself? I just can’t withhold things….so I handed him a playbook on how to manipulate and use Dorothy and he aced it. During the time he was weaving the web and I was in it, I was happier than I have EVER been in my life. All the while there was a sinister subplot that I was unaware of in spite of the problems that were more obvious. 100% without hesitation I totally “believed” this one thing that he said……..”You know what Dorothy? no matter what, we always come back together. You know why? Because we love each other.” I believed that. Honestly? I would have to say that I was SO confused during the relationshi*, I didn’t know what was going on. I was so confused I didn’t know how confused I was!
Sorry……just on a ramble there. I don’t know….my mind is a jumble today seemingly.
I understand the concept of what you are saying about your messed up childhood being the thing that kept you with the monster so long but I really can’t say that I believe that either……for me. When I look back at the time we were together, it’s like it wasn’t even ME! it’s just bizarre! It really is like some bizarre dream in which I was replaced with someone who looked like me but wasn’t. Holy carp! Maybe I was being drugged the entire time or off and on? that is how it feels! And right now,,,,,,HE is like a complete stranger to me so i honestly don’t know WHAT he is capable of. THAT is disturbing to say the least!
I don’t think there is right or wrong way to look at or for possible circumstances that may have contributed to our getting involved with a spath as all of our experiences are unique (albeit there are so many similarities!) to us as individuals. Our uniqueness makes all of us correct in this because that’s the way WE as an individual feel and that’s what we uniquely experienced.
dorothy2, your description of your relationship so closely mirrors (for lack of a better word) exactly what I experienced I had to read it several times to make sure I wasn’t the one who posted it (-:
lifeisgood……..I’m sorry my relationshi* is like yours was………….I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. This may very well be the first time in my very well rounded, unsheltered life that I can say that i hate someone. this just occurred to me today. What he did is just so low life and sick and twisted……AND he doesn’t even have a clue how much damage his little baby face poo poo pants game has caused me. He knows only a fraction and I would never give him the satisfaction of knowing any more. I have provided him with all the entertainment he’s going to get from me. From now on…..no more smiles or self satisfaction. The only thing I am going to give him is the egg I rub off of my face and onto his. My sleeves are rolled up and I’m ready to pi** on his party.
I am probably 75-80% out of the heartbreak phase of this mess and seemingly into the anger phase. SO, I will use that anger as fuel and get my two cents in.
The thing that I take away from this is the utter disbelief and frustration that there is no legal recourse for someone who has been raped in this way. If this would have been a case of someone breaking into my home and raping me, I would be at the hospital and having samples taken. They would be fingerprinting my home, etc….. but no…….I let what turns out to be a perfect stranger in the friggin door, allowed him to live here, cooked for him, ate meals at my table with him, pleasured him and gave him my heart, so somehow that is different. So even though it’s him that played dirty, I’m the one who gets penalized.
all my friends said it wasnt ME. it was *bizarre* behavior.
they were really upset when i did it again and so fast.
im having to prove my sanity again also. ppl are so sure its me and not the disordered ppl. i say, bless u in ur ignorance. wish i lived there still. u can watch me the next 20 yrs, i may be alone but i’ll live in JOY. i may be with someone but I’ll live in JOY.
now i just live in “dont wanna hear ur crap, don’t care to hear ur excuses” and i Give It No More Space In My Head after i say it to the losers i come across…of which there are many lol
There are so many fish in the pond that now u better jump up and shine or get off my radar!!
I think it is very natural to look for the reasons you came to have a relationship with a spath. If you don’t understand what happened, how do you prevent it happening again? It gives me a sense of some choice, control and hope for the future.
Understanding my vulnerabilities and where they came from plus being responsible for MY bits in the pain and loss fiesta that occurred gave that experience meaning and value for me and stopped me being so stuck in fear, sadness, endless eddies of why me’s, and frustration.
Sometimes it seems you ARE in the wrong place at the wrong time with the cocktail of love hormones creating a neon lit landing strip for the conscienceless BUT even knowing and understanding that is useful.
For myself there were a myriad of things that made me a mega beacon, some I wanted/needed to change and others I love and wont change but be more discriminate with now. Those same things could also have made me a beacon for a loving, kind, honest and generous man.
In this process I have learned to love me in my entirety (most days, not all!) and that is so lovely.
I never thought I could live alone, never, ever Nina. But not only can I, BUT, I LOVE it. I really really do. Apart from very odd times, when Im over tired, not well or over stressed and they are really far between and short now. Everyone has those and to be honest I felt that loneliness and need in the middle of some relationships anyway.
Ive learned to know myself, how to be so kind to myself, nurture myself and enjoy my company. My confidence has grown a lot just through knowing I can take care of myself.
That means I can choose relationships I want and enjoy, not need. I like that
I don’t believe I deserved in any way what happened to me BUT it happened anyway so I will take from it any growth I can
The idea of finding what vulnerabilities or weakness a victim has is an important issue and some further distinctions are useful, I think.
It is generally accepted by the experts in this field that working out why a person is caught by a psychopath is an important part of their recovery.
However, the first part of the recovery process should be an undoing of the negative effects of the mind control that the person has been subjected to. Only then will the experience begin to make some sort of sense and the individual comes to an understanding of the extent of the control that the psychopath actually had on them.
Only then is it appropriate to look at any potential vulnerabilities that the individual has that made them susceptible to the manipulation of the psychopath.
Some important points. It is (also) accepted that there is no particular personality that is susceptible to being caught by a psychopath. That means that everybody is susceptible.
Secondly, ‘vulnerabilities’ are NOT always weaknesses. Liking to help people, being good at connecting people or simply having emotions are not weaknesses in and of themselves and are often things that allow people to be very successful in their lives. And psychopaths know only too well how to take advantage of these strengths, too!
And thirdly, there are some things that a victim comes to believe are vulnerabilities, but these may have been installed by the psychopath! This often leads to nasty closed loops from which the victim cannot exit alone.
Vulnerabilities can be divided into various groups.
On a societal level, the law is not set up to protect us from psychopaths and this leaves us all open to the machinations of psychopaths.
On a journey through life, there are typically times of change and/or stress, such as starting in university, changing job, the death of a family member or friend, loss of a job, breakup of a relationship, etc. These things happen to us all and at such times people are more susceptible to being caught by a psychopath. And these things can in no way be considered the fault of the victim!
At the level of beliefs, the biggest danger for people is not understanding mind control or psychopaths. Also very dangerous is the belief that ‘it would never happen to me!’
Most normal people (I don’t consider psychopaths normal, no matter how many people try to sell the idea that psychopaths are more evolved than the rest because they have no emotions) consider that others are basically good. This helps to make the world go around and keeps society functioning, so it has it’s benefits. However, it is not true and it gives psychopaths a hugh advantage because they don’t even have to hide the fact that they have no conscience!
On a personal level, other vulnerabilities include feeling lonely, seeking spirituality, a regard for authority, feeling discontentment with society, concern about what others think of you, a desire to take care of others, being idealistic, having been the victim of a psychopath in the past etc. etc..
Again, being like this is not someone’s fault. In fact, we teach our children to share, look our for others, and so on!!
Why is it important to know what your vulnerability are? (And not just for those who have been victims already, but for everyone”)
The reason it’s important is that when you notice someone paying particular attention to your specific vulnerabilities, you see the red flags, and instead of going ahead to see what happens, you can cut off the relationship there and then and you don’t get suckered into another bad situation.
You will also be able to notice when others (who are not psychopaths) are using these things in their favor (even if they are doing it unintentionally). This gives you considerably more choices and freedom in your life, where you are making your own decisions, and not just automatically responding to things which you later regret.
So I believe that knowing your vulnerabilities has it’s place (and it’s not the first thing that a victim needs to do), but this knowledge has to be understood in the proper context, i.e.. that of mind control and psychopaths.
Remember that psychopaths know the difference between right and wrong, they just don’t care. In the past, there was doubt in the courts about mental illness/responsibility and psychopaths bounced from jail to mental institutions and back again. Nowadays, the legal system in most countries will hold psychopaths fully responsible for their actions.
I can say that I had a fairly normal childhood, well outside of my parents divorcing when I was 5 (which unfortunately nowadays is normal) Both my parents loved me and provided for me, and put me in my place when I needed it. They never badmouthed each other when I was growing up.
I don’t know if I have some kind of love addiction or what, maybe I feel unworthy when a relationship ends? And look for another to fill that void in my heart? But a lot of us don’t even see any red flags at first as these people put on the charm, sometimes we don’t see anything wrong until there is a pregnancy or you start living with them,, by then its too late, your in love.
David stated no laws to protect us from them, you would be right, however if we look at the constitution, all have a right to pursue happiness we just aren’t guaranteed to find it, we also are not allowed to impede anothers right to pursue it, well spaths ppaths do just that, they impede us from pursuing happiness, so in some sense they are sorta breaking a law, but our judicial system does not view a relationship that way, only if they physically assault you or steal possessions will the courts really step in, but if they just destroy your life, manipulate you, break your heart/spirit/self esteem the courts will do nothing, and its a shame cause that is one of the worst things to do to someone, especially a child, and when this is done to a child by a disordered parent, it usually can set the tone for the child to grow up disordered with any number of things from borderline/narcissistic/sociopath/histrionic and on and on.
I have met my exs mother, she is a full blown narcissist,with socio traits, its a no wonder my ex is so messed up. I still believe she is a borderline and not an spath, but that doesn’t make it much easier to deal with. Borderlines are “I hate you, don’t leave me” constant tug of war, they fear engulfment, yet fear abandonment which is why one min they love you and pull you in, the next they hate you and push you away, and they only see in black n white, my ex fits this to a tee. Not once did she ever let me leave her, only for 2 months later to leave me and kick me out every year. She once told me she has just wanted someone to help take care of her (as her parents failed miserably at that) but at the same time she said in the next sentence “ive been on my own for so long im not sure how I would deal with that” In other words she wants love and care, but she doesn’t want to feel like she is not in control it scares her, so she pushes away, then realizes oh crap and pulls you back in. She is worried to death that others will see flaws in her and judge her negatively since that is what her mother constantly did to her made her feel nothing was good enough, ironically that is what she does to me, to maintain control and also push me away at times.
I believe in her mind if I leave her, she feels at fault and others will see this too and shes terrified of that, but if she leaves me then in her distorted reality it MUST be my fault and she did no wrong.
Spaths just flat out don’t care, they just stomp on whoever they can with no remorse of what others think. And they actually get off on this stuff.
But I agree, anybody that is normal can fall victim to them. You don’t have to have a messed up past. By normal I mean those of us that are not spaths, by normal I mean those of us with feelings.