Lovefraud recently heard from a woman who was concerned for her daughter. Here is her e-mail:
Currently, our daughter is married to a sociopath. He has taken us (her parents) for thousands and thousands of dollars, then turned her against us. These people victimize people and are somehow able to make themselves look like the victim. They have 2 small children.
He has completely isolated her from her family, including her sister. He completely hates me and has made me the enemy, for I started seeing through him. Do you have any idea how I can possibly reach her to make her see the pattern? This man has felonies on his record for scheming to defraud; he has cheated people all his adult life. I have found out many other disturbing things about his past that she is not aware of. I want to inform her of these things, however many people feel she won’t believe it. Like your sociopath, this one said he was in the Gulf War; he never was. Instead he went AWOL from the service. He said he had a masters degree in accounting, but he has no college degree of any sort. He’s had over 20 jobs and moved over 30 times. He is 12 years older than our daughter, has a terrible temper. We worry about her and the babies all the time.
What’s a mother to do? On the one hand, she sees knows that her daughter’s husband is toxic. On the other hand, her daughter is a grown woman making her own decisions.
Sociopathic manipulation
The woman’s daughter is being manipulated by a professional. Sociopaths gradually draw in their victims with flattery and half-truths. Then they hold on to their victims with empty promises or threats. Eventually the victims, confused by the alternating charm and rage, are emotionally off balance and doubting their own perceptions.
It happened to me. It happens to everyone snared by a sociopath.
The problem for me was that I didn’t know about sociopaths. I had no idea that it was possible for a man who consistently claimed that he loved me, to lie, cheat on me, and take my money. I had no idea such evil existed.
Friends and family
Sociopaths put a lot of energy into maintaining the charade for their victims. They don’t put the same energy into manipulating people on the periphery. Consequently, the friends and family of the victim can often see the deception when the victim doesn’t.
I think friends and family should speak up, in whatever way will get through, while maintaining a relationship with the victim. I also think friends and family should not enable the sociopath by continuing to give money or whatever else he is demanding. The sooner the supply ends, the sooner the sociopath will leave.
I suggested that the woman do her best to maintain contact with her daughter, even though the sociopath has isolated her. At some point, he will abandon her. When he does, I recommended that the woman not be judgmental toward her daughter.
I know the devastation of being victimized by a sociopath. Once I realized the truth, what I needed was not criticism, but the support of people who cared about me.
OxD, indeed it does! In the world of spathy, EVERYONE is a victim, willing or not. The ones who get caught up as co-abusers begin as a display of their loyalty to the spath – surely he/she/it MUST have a reason to hate their ex (or, whomever), so it’s “my job” to support them because I love them. Oh……….it’s horrible once the truth about the spath comes out because the co-abuser finally realizes that they’ve been made a pawn with less value than a disposable lighter.
SO, Mike wanted to check his facebook page early this morning and send a message to his spath brother. He left his facebook page open on my computer when he came for breakfast and never logged off. What did I do? I checked the messages from his spath brother. I don’t feel that it was underhanded, as these issues will be addressed in due time, but what I was described as was almost comical.
“Manipulative,” “liar,” “a snake,” etc. And, Mike’s response was that he hadn’t observed anything like that, so far, but that he would keep his eyes open, just in case.
The coupe de gras was the spath brother typing, “Remember, my door is always open when you need to ESCAPE, and I mean escape…”
Some people might find my reading his messages as reprehensible, but I wanted to know the level of gaslighting that Mike was subject to, and I make no excuses for reading what his spath brother sent.
Kharma, I would think, should be knocking on the spath son’s door, any time, now. (snort)
Sadly, I don’t think there’s much you can do for a relative ensnared by a sociopath/psychopath. The rumor is still out there that my mother “made her sister choose between her husband and her sister.”
Imagine:
The creep made a pass at my mother.
The two of them destroyed the loan papers for $10K she lent them.
Together, they stole everything that wasn’t bolted down, everywhere they went. For years.
They hid bags of cash in the closet, and made it taboo for their daughters to talk about it.
Their daughters married thugs and swindlers themselves.
My aunt was honored as a soft and lovely person at her funeral — which she indeed was — the perfect follower.
And my mom is the attempted “homewrecker.”
So I guess the rumor is that Mom is the sociopath.
Sister:
Ahhh…..and the plot thickens.
I think this is where psychology is NOT our ‘friend’.
Your mother…..saw it….and alerted others.
She is then turned into the scapegoat……which is ‘easily’ believed. (IE we hate what ‘we’ are).
When the heat is turned up…..the example is made of the ‘firestarter’.
Yes…..we are all just supposed to shut up and keep those blinders up high!
NOT!
Sister, this is so often what happens! The non-spath makes a bold, courageous attempt to alert someone (ANYone) to make whatever the spath(s) is doing stop, and they’re ignored and dismissed as raving lunatics!
Yah……EB’s got it spot-on. Hang in there, Sister.
Brightest blessings.
Yep, the PLOT SICKENS FOR SURE! Don’t ya know, I’m the crazy one!
I’m not alone though cause EB is also crazy! LOL
Buttons, sweetie, DO NOT act like you think THIS group would criticize you for ANYTHING you did in YOUR HOUSE. NO one has the right to access the internet on my computer and/or my electricity in MY HOUSE without me knowing what they are doing! Period. NO ONE LIVES IN MY HOUSE AND KEEPS SECRETS FROM ME!
I don’t check on my son D’s computer habits because I know I can trust him, but you know if I did ask to see his computer history, he better pony up!@....... I had a hired dhand here once who was accessing and saving on MY COMPUTER KIDDIE PORN, and you know that’s not ever going to happen again.’
Know how I found out, my computer got an electrical surge the day after my husband was killed and I lost all my business data and I had a friend of ours FIX the computer and recover my information and HE LET ME KNOW. If I had taken it to a regular repair shop they MIGHT HAVE CALLED THE POLICE. So you know, as far as I am concerned, anyone under my roof better consent to a computer or possessions search if I request it or MOVE THE HECK OUT. MY HOUSE, MY RULES. My computer—my ass for anything that is on it so I don’t take any chances.
Lots of people don’t seem to realize that when you take someone in you take in their problems and proclivities as well. So as far as I am concerned, YOU NEED TO KNOW what is being said to him by whom, and WHAT HE IS SAYING BACK as well. YOUR house, your rules!
The Golden rule, ‘THE ONE WITH THE GOLD MAKES THE RULES”
Actually Oxy….I’m NOT crazy….I’m just mentally Ill!
🙂
Buttons:
I agree with Oxy…..if my kids pay thier own bills……and they are over 18…..well……none of my business….
If I pay the bills…..I get ALL passwords.
I also check emails, phone records and whatever it is I need to to get tot he truth. If they aren’t sharing the truth with me….EB digs it up and cuts off the service!
It provides insight into what you are not being told!!!!
Forwarded is forearmed….I say!!!!
Over the weekend the eldest got a letter of trust distribution of funds from his deceased G. mothers estate.
It listed all beneficiarys and amounts to be received and a letter to be signed and notorized by beneficiarys.
WELL…….this started some laughter in our home…….Spath father gets same as kids……(spath will be NOT happy)….BUT…..2 other gkids get an 800K house that no one knew gparents owned. It was their daughters home….and her two kids get it.
NOW…..THIS WILL BY FAR PISS SPATH OFF……..and raise a stink, stink, stink!!!
When we were first dating……28 years ago….he would tell me that he will be in ‘fat city’when his gp’s die…..I thought it was odd….as no one in my family talked about wills or had any money to inherit. He spoke of this fat city forever!!!!!!!
Well fat city amounted to 5000K…..and his kids get the same!
HA!!!!
Anyways…..the eldest (who DIDN”T graduate)…immediatly took the stance that i’ts MY money and i’ll do what I want with it…..i’m buying a car…..
I told him….well yes, it IS your money, but it’s my obligation to NOT allow you to piss it away on starbuck,but to do something with it that your Gmother would be proud of!!!
He immedialty spent that night looking for cars on Craigslist….
Yesterday when he was gone…..I did the snoop on computer thing…..because he has shown NOT GOOD judgment when on CL in previous times…..like giving out his phone number, address yadayada……UH….NOT!!!!!!
So….sure enough, he’s been ‘corrosponding’ with a nigerian scam artist about this great deal vehicle…..he’s ready to wire money off……Ya know….i’m 18 and can do what I want!!!
So…..last night….on egg shells….I entered his room and asked him if he was ‘open’ to hearing some advice and my opinion on his car buying and whatnot. He said sure.
I told him about buying a car and not getting excited UNTIL the car was in our driveway, as a lot of things could stand in the way…..doing due diligence on a purchase…..
AND WHEN it’s the right car……it will become his. But so many variables need to be met……NON EMOTIONALLY!!!!!!
He shared with me his ‘love’ for ‘this’ car……and I said, yeah it’s a nice car……he said I’m going to wire her the money as soon as I get it.
I told him, BEFORE HE purchased a car…..he needed to call the dmv and see what registration and licencing and tax would cost him.
He needed to call the Ins. co. and see what a policy would cost him.
And know….tires, gas, maintenance etc….would cost him and have the reserves to cover it.
He also needed to call my friend the mechanic and have him check car out, do compression test and full workup….which would cost him money regardless of IF he bought the car or not.
So……he started talking about ‘this lady’ and how she acquired the car…..I told him sounds fishy.
She was going to ship him the car for free….she was so cool!
FISHY.
And I said…..yeah, I bet she wants you to wire money to an ‘escrow’ account…..AND HE LOOKED SHOCKED AT ME…..I said….Jr….it’s a SCAM!
He said….well read her emails……I told him….look at ‘her’ use of words…..’she did a divorce’, the car had never been in an altercation, ………..
He’s now getting mad at ME……as if I’m an idiot. I said, you dind’t provide her any identifying info did you? He said….well….only my name and address and phone number…. I wanted to show her that I was for real….
I said, honey, YOUR the one with the money, YOU OWN NO ONE ANYTHING to prove yourself!!!!
It’s a scam!
I said….did you also ‘share’ with ‘her’ that it was your first car and how excited you are? He said, yes…..
UGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
I gave him the business is business talk…..
Personal should NEVER come into business. EVER>
But….spath always does business this way……he personalized everything to gain trust….and brohood.
I pointed this out to Jr. and I said…..look where that has gotten him?!?!?!?
I am so affraid his 5K is going to be pissed away on a scam….but I also KNOW….if he is soooooo hell bent to be a MAN and make big decisions on the fly……well…..the consequences will be his big man on the fly consequences too!
He is hell bent to ‘do it his way’. he’ll show me!!!!!
And of course…..being his mother…I don’t want to see him make a wrong move……and I also know…..i’m the only one he’ll come to to lash out on!!!!
So….i’m trying to head off whatever I can…..but sometimes they just gotta learn the hard way….and this seems to be this kids MO!
Dear EB,
Now you have had your say, let him FIND OUT THE HARD WAY that you were right and it is a SCAM, it might be some CHEAP TUITION to the school of hard knocks.
For you it is aLOSE/LOSE situation, if you keep him from buying the car of his HEART’S DESIRE he will resent you and never be satisfied with the one he gets, but if he sends the money away and loses it, then you are a GENIUS and so maybe the next time he may think twice. If it was 50K maybe more force but for the $5K, let him lose it.
I wish I had let mine find out the hard way more….unfortunately I didn’t. Out of the 3, only D is responsible with money and content to do without if necessary, and live within means and conserve funds. So, you know….let him pay his LIFE TUITION. Also, he needs to be able to pay insurance (required by law) and so on, so even if he bought a 3,000 car, he wouldn’t be able to drive it long or far before he ran out of money due to high insurance premiums at his age, etc.
I wish they didn’t have to pay the “hard knocks” tuition, but I did and they do, so let’er rip!
Glad your X is gonna be pithed though! LOL hee hee bwa ha ha
Yep…..got no say…..really!
OxD & EB – yepper. It’s the burned hand that won’t touch the glowing stove, right? We’ve all been burned, and that’s one of those unfortunate Life Lessons. UGH…….Bless your heart, EB.
And, we’re having a “serious” talk on Monday about trust, expectations, etc., that WILL involve passwords, disclosure, etc. I printed out the messages while Mike was outside doing something, and here’s exactly what was written the WAY that it was written (punctuation, etc.):
Spath Brother: “Hey, glad to hear all is well… Well, the 20th is fathers day, so thank God the father, and Dad who is also your father, and just remember Dad for who he was… Make sure to pray to God though, because dad is busy flying around and God listens and answers…
Anyways, yeah, a lot of people were very worried about you going up there I mean very worried… Remember, mom’s track record speaks for itself… social services, lies, manipulations, an so on… Be very careful and very wary about what you do and what you say… Also, I wanted to leave a door open to you, if at any time, and I do mean anytime you feel the need to leave or in other words escape, do not hesitate to call me or email me. If you want to get out of there, I can get you out… So dont ever worry, there is always a house here with a sweet game room if you ever decide to leave… I know that you look at mom, you want to care for her and try to be a son to her, but I must remind you, she is VERY sly, almost reminds me of a Snake, she is very manipulative, and very deceitful, so just be careful… Don’t let her guilt trip you EVER, talk badly about dad EVER, or manipulate you EVER…
I gotta run but take care aight. AAAAhhhiiight”
This long-distance gaslighting and manipulation is precisely what the ex spath did with spath son when he was living with us. Talking against me and telling spath son that he didn’t have to follow his step-father’s rules because, “…he’s NOT your father.”
WTF is wrong with these people, anyway? SPATH ISLAND, DAMMIT! WE WANT IT, and we WANT IT NOW! LMAO!!!!!!!