By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
“As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” (Proverbs 23:7)
I was watching the movie Iron Lady today and a few lines of the character Margaret Thatcher jumped out at me and made me think of that verse above from the Bible. Here are the lines from Mrs. Thatcher, as she was speaking with her physician.
Watch your thoughts
for they become words,
Watch your words
for they become your actions,
Watch your actions
For they become your habits
Watch your habits
for they become your character
Watch your character
for it becomes your destinyWhat we think we become.
How many times do we prove those words, originally attributed to the ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu, to be true? How many times do our “self-fulfilling prophecies” become reality because we thought something bad was going to happen. Or we thought we were going to fail, and we failed.
Attitude is so important in how our lives go. How we think is instrumental in what we can accomplish, or fail to accomplish.
The balky mule
I may have told this story before, and if I have, please forgive me, but it bears repeating. My grandfather was very poor during the Depression and he had to buy mules that others either couldn’t handle, because they were dangerous or in some way impaired, but they were cheap to purchase. My grandfather was sort of a “mule whisperer,” and could “psych-out” these mules and get them to work for him.
He bought one mare mule that would “balk,” which was refusing to pull. My grandfather knew why horses or mules would “balk;” it was from poor training. They were hooked up to loads that were too heavy to pull, and then when they tried their best, they couldn’t do it. The trainer would whip them even though they were doing their best, and they would fail to move the load. They were convinced that they could not pull any load, so would not even try. They would “balk” (not try), and then just stand there and take the whipping they knew was coming. It was “trained failure.” They knew in their hearts that they could not pull the load, so they gave up.
This particular mare mule only balked at the foot of a hill, so my grandfather figured that she had been whipped because she was hooked to a load she could pull on the level, but not up a hill. So as they traveled along the first day when they approached the bottom of a hill where he figured she would stop and balk, he said “Whoa!” and stopped her before she stopped herself. Then he got out, whistling and happy, petted her on the neck, adjusted the harness a bit and then got back into the wagon and said, “get up” and she did. She never balked again. He had shown her that she didn’t have to take a whipping and that she could pull the wagon up the hill because he would not over load her. It was his idea to stop, not hers.
If you think you can, or think you can’t
Our own attitudes about what we can pull in the way of a “load” are partly determined (if not fully determined) by our own attitudes.
As the Bible says, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” If we think we are weak and unimportant, then we become that. If we think we are strong and can over come obstacles, leap tall buildings with a single bound and be faster than a speeding bullet, then we can be.
We all find ourselves thinking “negative thoughts” once in a while, feeling down, and telling ourselves we are going to fail. When you find yourself thinking those thoughts, scream to yourself, “STOP!” Then reverse that thinking, and think “I CAN overcome this problem. I can succeed. I WILL succeed.” Then go out and do it!
God bless.
Kim , I agree with that, I am doing a lot of unloading of “stuff” and not letting it bother me in the least. I am also organizing things better as well.
Son D is going to use the time I have nurse-friends here taking care of me after my surgery to go through some of his “stuff” and get rid of a bunch of it as well. Will fil up the trash trailer and take it to the dump (we have our own dump pit on the back of the farm which we had dug a few years ago)
Keep the faith,, Kimmie, I know that it is difficult making a living and especially waiting tables (I did my share of that!) but don’t take the nasty customers “personally” because if they are rude to you, they would be to anyone! Just be glad YOU are not the kind of person who would act like that. (((hugs)))
Oxy, thanks for the article. It always helps to be reminded.
In my situation, the spath made sure I failed at every opportunity. Like your grand dad, he knew that the more the mule failed, the less she would have a reason to move. except he worked in reverse.
I know now that he sabotaged my efforts for that very reason. He sabotaged my health, my finances, my car, my efforts, my sanity.
I’ve now been programmed to not want to make an effort because I FEEL (caps for emphasis) that I’ll fail. But I know differently. After 25 years of sabotage, I realized he was the cause. But feeling and knowing are very different. The only thing I can do is keep trying and keep succeeding so that I can incorporate the efforts into the successes without failures. It’s hard. Failures are part of life. But not so much when the spath is gone.
Thanks for reminding me.
Oxy,
Great article and so very true! the only thing I can add is to say positive things in the present moment, as they are already a part of your reality….”I AM SUCCEDING, I AM OVERCOMING, I AM HEALED”……
I have been practicing this myself, and find that it works.
Ox, I LOVE this story about the mule and your grandfather. What a great man he was! Being able to help animals and communicate with them is something of a talent or grace. I don’t think everyone can do something like that, to just intuitively understand.
Also, I’ve been away from LF for ages, and I dropped in today and was soooo happy to see this article. Ox you are so dead on with the advice and this is EXACTLY where I was at right now anyways. Why does that always seem to happen? I stumble across the BAM article just when I’m searching for it.
I had my EUREKA moment last week. I’ve been seeing some specialist and attending therapy to deal with my C-PTSD and actually accepted trying medication to help with my flashbacks/panic attacks. Well, the meds didn’t change much, but then the doctor told me he thinks I will need to take them for life. That floored me. I felt like someone had somehow removed the earth from beneath my feet. The timing was odd, though, because just before this I was in “work therapy” which is to learn how to do basic tasks and be aware of how you feel trying to do things that you have a hard time doing because of whatever your issues may be. I accidentally broke something in the therapy, and instantly I felt the need to throw myself on the floor at the feet of the therapist and beg her to forgive me and please not punish me. It was this crazy moment where I actually SAW my emotions, realized what is REALLY going on in that crazy land. Eureka went off all over the place. Ever since my father did his “surprise, I’m back! Time to leave your mom and live with me even though I have been MIA for years!” I have walked around thinking I am a walking PROBLEM. My father told me that I have his blood, his genes, and that his genes are strong, so I am just like him. He said I am a little female him. Since I was terrified of him and disgusted by the way he lied, hurt, manipulated, and toyed with other people, I instantly hated MYSELF because apparently I was like that too. When I went to therapy, he told the therapists I was a devil child. Here I am years later thinking how silly he was….but it never occurred to me that ALL THIS TIME I had believed this was true, even if I hadn’t done a damn thing wrong. Everything was wrong for him. If I woke up at a certain time, it’s cause I was the devil child. If I cried after my sister died, he would get angry and accuse me of wallowing. Anyways he projected his sickness on to me so much as a child, I have been walking about for 15 years now thinking I really am like him, trying to find some way to REDEEM myself. Like I need to be punished. The spath that I was with used that as my weakness. DING DING DING. That’s why I didn’t protest. He told me I deserved to be hit and I agreed with him. He said any other man would kill me and I thought he’s probably right….I’m a horrible person.
For the first time since I was 12 years old, I am having to repeat aloud to myself: I am not a horrible person who deserves to be punished. It’s not my fault when bad situations happen in my life. My outlook let me into those bad situations, thinking I deserved to be abused. But it wasn’t my fault. I was victim blaming myself all these years. Holy crap. Eureka. And this was just on Friday. Then I come on LF today for the first time in ages and this article is up. Thank you Ox. I will be thinking about that mare now every time I want to lay down and wait for the whip and never try. It’s time for me to REALLY start fighting to get past this old, messed up system running a loop in my head….
And we need to start using that word for people who have learned to give up and just wait for the punishment. I’d like to say once and for all that I was not lazy, too depressed, incapable, or bad. I was balking all the damn time.
Who else in here still balks? Knock it the heck off!!!!
I bet I’m not the only one. Any other balkers in here?
Truthspeak we both had the same reaction to this article! Hello fellow balker. Let’s stop now, okay?
(Raises hand with sheepish look on my face)…
I have been a ‘closet balker’ in this experience with ppath.
I kept KNOWING what I needed to do but didn’t for a long
time because I thought I was being cold and cruel flicking
that ugly person off me, all the while knowing that what I
was seeing was an ILLNESS or an EVILNESS; whatever it
was, it was not ‘normalcy’ nor something I wish or would
choose to have in my life. But I felt a certain ‘responsi-
bility’ in some strange way. I wanted to ‘save’ “IT” and
I have learned (the hard way) you can’t ‘save’ anyone
who doesn’t WANT TO BE SAVED. Save yourself.
It took me a long time to get off the fence and to stand
up and make a decision FOR MYSELF and based upon what
was good for MYSELF and nobody else. There was a whole
lot of cog/dis going on but the ugly actions have spoken for
themselves. I have made MY choices and decisions based
upon MY REALITIES and nobody else s.
I put my foot down and made a conscious decision to
STOP BALKING because MY LIFE was on the line. If I
hadn’t of been ‘threatened’, I would have been swooned
right straight into oblivion and I know that for a fact.
“Fellow Balkers Anonymous”.
😛
I am out of the closet now.
Thank you Joyce for a very inspiring article.
I wish you peace and joy inside.
——————————————–
LOVE THIS QUOTE:
“Watch your thoughts
for they become words,
Watch your words
for they become your actions,
Watch your actions
For they become your habits
Watch your habits
for they become your character
Watch your character
for it becomes your destiny
What we think we become.”
~Dupey
Thank you for sharing this very important lesson to all of us. In May I went into PTS that lasted more than 2 months. Usually I can “think” my way out as I have learned the coping skills that go along with PTSD. However, this time was different. The event that put me into a spin was going on and on and on and I could not stop the forces around me.
Anyway, it is when I am NOT in PTSD mode that counts…this is when I do my most reading, meditating, thought control, etc. I’ve decided to become a Registered Clinical Hypnotherapist and I am excited that the education alone will help my mind…the part of me that needs the most help in times of trouble.
And the best part of all is that once I am done I will open my own practice and hopefully help many other women (and men) by specializing in abuse issues, PTSD, etc. and I believe that while I am helping others I will be helping myself.
Hypnotherapy is great for controlling the mind and boy do I ever need that tool for when I leave my senses.
Thanks again for a great article and the comments that followed!
Cheers!
Cherylann
Speaking Up,
I wish you lots of success in your studies and healing. And it’s great that you want to help others with your own experience in mind.
That said, I also hope you will be able to help yourself with you healing before you can help others on a professional level. Not that there’s anything wrong with learning from those you’re trying to heal, but there’s a difference between incidental learning because of the interaction and healing yourself by healing others. In my experience, whenever someone was still in high need of help regarding emotional issues and they wanted to help me they basically went overboard, crossed my boundaries and meddled. It was as if they felt obligated out of gratitude to save me if I had a difficult time, as if saving me would save them in some way. And it both backfired on me, and them (because I had to cut them out of my life).
So, aside from that cautioning, I wish you nothing but success!
Hey guys, I don’t know if this link will come out but I wanted to share with you the video my Zumba class made for National Dance Day. I was on the far right, and the camera cut me out for all except one part at the very beginning and toward the end. I’m in all purple, next to the girl in the teal shirt. (You have to watch closely). Considering I practiced for a month, it’s pretty funny that I only have a brief cameo appearance in the video. But it’s probably for the best because I was so tired after we rehearsed about 8 times. This video was sent to “So you think you can dance” and may be selected to be aired on TV. I’ll let you know.
http://vimeo.com/46629666
Anyway, it’s what I do 5 days a week, and it has changed my life (the other 2 nights a week are salsa dancing). I recommend Zumba not only for weight loss, but to bring joy into anyone’s life. You cannot NOT be joyful when you’re doing Zumba. I have now gotten several of my friends involved in this Zumba club, and they’re more addicted than I am!