By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
“As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” (Proverbs 23:7)
I was watching the movie Iron Lady today and a few lines of the character Margaret Thatcher jumped out at me and made me think of that verse above from the Bible. Here are the lines from Mrs. Thatcher, as she was speaking with her physician.
Watch your thoughts
for they become words,
Watch your words
for they become your actions,
Watch your actions
For they become your habits
Watch your habits
for they become your character
Watch your character
for it becomes your destinyWhat we think we become.
How many times do we prove those words, originally attributed to the ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu, to be true? How many times do our “self-fulfilling prophecies” become reality because we thought something bad was going to happen. Or we thought we were going to fail, and we failed.
Attitude is so important in how our lives go. How we think is instrumental in what we can accomplish, or fail to accomplish.
The balky mule
I may have told this story before, and if I have, please forgive me, but it bears repeating. My grandfather was very poor during the Depression and he had to buy mules that others either couldn’t handle, because they were dangerous or in some way impaired, but they were cheap to purchase. My grandfather was sort of a “mule whisperer,” and could “psych-out” these mules and get them to work for him.
He bought one mare mule that would “balk,” which was refusing to pull. My grandfather knew why horses or mules would “balk;” it was from poor training. They were hooked up to loads that were too heavy to pull, and then when they tried their best, they couldn’t do it. The trainer would whip them even though they were doing their best, and they would fail to move the load. They were convinced that they could not pull any load, so would not even try. They would “balk” (not try), and then just stand there and take the whipping they knew was coming. It was “trained failure.” They knew in their hearts that they could not pull the load, so they gave up.
This particular mare mule only balked at the foot of a hill, so my grandfather figured that she had been whipped because she was hooked to a load she could pull on the level, but not up a hill. So as they traveled along the first day when they approached the bottom of a hill where he figured she would stop and balk, he said “Whoa!” and stopped her before she stopped herself. Then he got out, whistling and happy, petted her on the neck, adjusted the harness a bit and then got back into the wagon and said, “get up” and she did. She never balked again. He had shown her that she didn’t have to take a whipping and that she could pull the wagon up the hill because he would not over load her. It was his idea to stop, not hers.
If you think you can, or think you can’t
Our own attitudes about what we can pull in the way of a “load” are partly determined (if not fully determined) by our own attitudes.
As the Bible says, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” If we think we are weak and unimportant, then we become that. If we think we are strong and can over come obstacles, leap tall buildings with a single bound and be faster than a speeding bullet, then we can be.
We all find ourselves thinking “negative thoughts” once in a while, feeling down, and telling ourselves we are going to fail. When you find yourself thinking those thoughts, scream to yourself, “STOP!” Then reverse that thinking, and think “I CAN overcome this problem. I can succeed. I WILL succeed.” Then go out and do it!
God bless.
Hey Star, Hey that look’s like fun,, and you are rockin the house ~! I am so happy your motivated and making yourself get out and try new things. I wish I had that much ambition and drive..So staying in tune with the thread topic ( great article Ox ) I tend to hide from everybody but the people I work for. this latest episode with the lady and the marine has me really thinking about what you said. ”why am i there?”
well I am comfortable with the lady and my position, but really dont like having to pretend her marine boyfriend isnt a threat to me. and then there was her drunkin son that called me a cocksucker onenite when he was drunk on his ass in front of everyone and she and everyone pretended like it didnt happen..
This really has me in a funk. The lady has been a generous and loyal employer close to 20 years, but why am I there, why do I allow it..I have lived with this kind of agression from people that dont like me or who I am my whole life..so what is it I need to do…and at my age secure job’s are not easy to find. Yes i have other client’s and could find more, but she has always been nothing but the kindest lady…I am in a funk..
Kim, do you just love your new washer and dryer? I am so relating to you and what you said above, about feeling unappreciated, stuck..like i have painted myself into a corner.. I look back at life the past 7-8 years, I am still better off than I was..small steps I guess, at least we dont have the alien’s living with us and dragging us down..I guess any situation is better than living with an alien.
Hi hens, I see your dilemma if she has been a client for 20 years. I can’t even pretend to know what it’s like to get abused by people in the way you have for your sexual orientation. And to make it clear, I do believe you have been abused by these people. It really makes me angry. I know it’s happened to you a lot, and you’ve learned to live with it, but that doesn’t make it right. The fact that the incident brought you down and still brings you down is a sign to me that maybe the job has become too toxic. Even if abuse happens once, it is still abuse, and it has a traumatizing effect. Personally, I don’t tolerate it any more. If it happens once to me, I’m done. I walk away from situations for much less than what happened to you. However, it’s not always been that way for me. If you remember, I was a private exotic dancer once, and I took a fair amount of verbal abuse. Guys would abuse me frequently when I refused to have sex with them. One of them called me a whore one time. This bothered me so much, I no longer could justify the money. That was the night I hung up my g-string so to speak. And I never went back. It was the last straw. No amount of money is worth being abused. As I’ve mentioned, I’ve also fired a few massage clients and refused new ones if I didn’t like their energy. I don’t worry about the money. If I’m feeling happy and creative, the money will just come. My good clients will refer other people. I never worry about my business – it’s self sustaining through referrals.
One of the things Zumba and salsa have done for me is they’ve given me a backdrop of joy, so when bad things happen, I still have stuff to look forward to. It helps minimize the impact of the bad stuff. However, there is a difference between normal bad stuff and abuse like what you went through. For example, my wallet was stolen tonight with a bag of groceries. It was very stressful and I had to cancel my bankcards. It was eventually returned (with everything but $10 in it). Though it was a pretty stressful event, I didn’t catastrophize about it because I have a salsa class to look forward to tomorrow night. So I just strategized how to get to the bank and get a new account and take care of business without missing too much work, so I could make it to salsa and pay for it. The joy of having something to look forward to helps me forget about the insults and injuries in my life.
Getting back to your situation, I think having something joyful to look forward to will really help take your mind off the bad stuff.
Just know that you have choices, hens. You can take a break from that job and chill out for a while. You can talk with the lady and tell her how you feel torn. You can even tell her if it happens again, you’re done. Or you can quit. You really don’t deserve to be treated like that. If it were me, I would not keep quiet about it. You must be very angry and I wouldn’t blame you. You don’t have to put up with bullshit. You are better than that. This lady may be nice, but if she hangs out with abusive people, she’s toxic. Period.
yes, Hens. I love my new washer and dryer. 🙂
I’m sorry this ass has sent you into a tail spin, Hens.
It’s hard to keep your spirits up when someone is trying very hard to extinguish them. It chips away and chips away, until your strength to withstand it, is depleted.
Hens, you don’t deserve that treatment. I know keeping steady accounts is important, but is it worth having your spirit broken?
I know you are loyal, and don’t blame the lady, but she is playing a part in all this….shame on her!!! She is letting him call the shots, and is actively participating in the “keeping you under wraps”, which to me, is a little dishonest.
You are far to good a person to let this situation hurt your feelings.
The moon is beautiful, tonight. Are you up for a moon-dance?
Hens,
that is one of the things that I’ve been torn about for the last 3 years. I see that abusers are everywhere. Even those who are not abusers, like my good sister, can be a disappointment because they don’t always choose to do the “right” thing and thereby enable the abusers. It is my opinion that my good sister should do the “right” thing and refuse to have any contact with the spath sister and spath brother, who have tried to put each other and me in jail. They would willingly see us both dead for the inheritance, but she doesn’t “get it”.
There isn’t any easy answer. I’m not absolutely sure that my opinion is the correct one. What I do know, is that we cannot control how others behave. We can only control our own behavior. This is a surprisingly powerful thing, believe it or not. I’ve found that NC has made my parents re-think their positions. It is because I’ve set an example, that has made them re-consider their actions. We aren’t done yet. I have to be strong.
I’m not perfect. I’m not sure that my choices are always right. All I can do is be dedicated to reality. Maybe there is no “right” choice. Maybe it’s just a matter of how dedicated to reality you are willing and ABLE to be.
You may remember my article, “Hate the sin, but not the sinner”.
Jesus was persecuted for eating with prostitutes and tax collectors because that behavior was considered contagious. And it is. Bad behavior is contagious. But it wasn’t for Jesus. He didn’t emulate them. He asked them to emulate Him. And they did.
Just behave with the dignity that is in you. Some will envy you and others will be inspired to be like you. That’s just humanity.
You know hens, your situation reminds me of something I learned a long time ago in (of all places) a Scientology class. I only took one or two classes through the institute before I quit. But those classes were very powerful. The first one was called The Ups and Downs in Life. Know what they said caused those? Toxic, abusive people. They talked about how you can’t be happy in your life until you rid yourself of people who belittle you and make you feel bad. Then they went on to talk about the types of people who do that – may be a parent or a boss, etc. They were teaching us how to recognize the bad behavior. They even had workbooks with little cartoon drawings of abusive bosses and co-workers. I was very young at the time and didn’t even know when someone was bad for me because of the pathetic crap I grew up with. But the class helped me, and I recognized a few people in my life who were hurting me. They did exercises with us called “bullbaiting” we would tell them what our negative thoughts were about ourselves (I am a phony, I am rotten, I don’t deserve…….etc.) Then they would shout those things at us and encourage us to stand up to them. Basically, it was like doing therapy.
Sometimes when you get the toxic people out of your life, you still feel bad because you have internalized the toxic people’s critical voices, especially if they were your parents. Now you don’t need someone to put you down because you do it to yourself. If this is happening, bullbaiting works, and you can do it with yourself. Challenge what they are telling you about yourself.
A lot of people put down Scientology because of Tom Cruise et al. But I read the L. Ron Hubbard book years ago and found it to be technologically sound, knowing now what I know about the healing process. And the classes were useful to me. This is coming from someone who is mainly Buddhist. 🙂 I think any religion or group can get corrupted with ego, but that doesn’t degrade the original message.
I think that, today, people are generally toxic even if they aren’t sociopathic. I base this belief on what I see on a daily basis. People have become so wrapped up in NEGATIVITY (caps for emphasis, of course) that they have become almost disdainful of positive momentum.
In my current situation, I’ve mentioned that my colleague’s girlfriend is addicted (literally) to extremely negative reality shows and actually records them and re-watches hours and hours of this continuous screaming, backstabbing, passive/aggressive actions, sociopathic behaviors, and every negative aspect of the human condition. This translates, directly, into her own behaviors, and it’s inexcusable. Whether she’s “good at heart,” or not, it’s impossible to determine. What she does that appears “good, kind, or generous” is completely overshadowed by her passive/aggressive behaviors, self-serving decisions, and malicious actions.
So….I don’t know what the answer to human toxicity is, but I realize that I need to learn how to identify it as quickly as possible, and to prevent entanglements with toxic people, on every level.
Brightest blessings
Yep, I absorb that negative energy from toxic assholes and it brings me down. Not everybody is going to like us (me), I get that..but when their toxic vibes become outright aggresion or rage, it’s time to do something.. But the low class marine is just jealous of my relationship with his high class gf ( my boss )..I am just going to wait untill the right opportunity to tell her that his covert abuse has become more than I will tolerate and that when he is in town I will not be able to work for her..and when she ask’s me what is wrong I wil just tell her ‘ you wouldnt believe me anyway, but I have boundaries and he has crossed them…”
Hens, I keep going back to the original article of this thread, and I feel that I don’t “need” to have everyone “like” me, anymore.
Yeah, the marine is not only jealous, but probably FEARFUL of you, Hens! I mean, from what I gather from your posts, you’re an empathetic person and he cannot tolerate that, especially if there’s nothing that he can “gain” from exploiting that empathy.
I almost agree with what you have planned to say to the boss Lady. I almost feel compelled to tell the REAL owner of the house that I’m renting a room in about what I’ve seen, but I’m really wavering on that. I’m sure that she has an idea of what the g/f is like, but I don’t believe that she knows of the phsyical/emotional/verbal abuse that this woman delivers. If she knew, I think she’d go batshit.
You do what you need to do to get through each day, Hens. If you need to find another job for your own safety and sanity, then it’s a GOOD decision. YOU come first. Anymore, “loyalty” holds about as much water as a sieve (SP?).
Brightest blessings
Do we know Oxy’s status?? Anyone? Donna? I hope she’s recovering smoothly…..
Hens,
you are right that he is jealous of your relationship with her. That is the bottom line with all spaths. They envy relationships because they can’t have them (they only have relationshits! thanks for coining that word.)
More than they envy the shiny things we have or even who we are, they envy who we are in relation to others –the fact that we belong, because they have a feeling of not belonging.
That’s why they try to isolate us. And I believe that he is trying to isolate her from you. It’s not about you, (though I will not put it past him to make you feel that it is) it’s about isolating his prey from all her relationships. That’s spath 101.
Considered in that way, I’d be very careful on two counts:
1. He may smear you to get what he wants. They have no limits.
2. You don’t want to play into his hands and give him what he wants.
I think your intuition has been telling you that there is more at stake here than just an asshole you’re dealing with. I think that’s why it has been weighing on your thoughts.
I’m not sure what to tell you exactly to do, but I would lean toward some kind of action that makes him think he is impacting your relationship with her, while not actually allowing it. Back away slowly, no sudden moves, fade to gray when he is around.