By | May 27, 2009 121 Comments

How parasites–like ticks and psychopaths–work

By Ox Drover

As an advanced practice nurse, one of the things I did here in the rural area where parasites are common was warn people about the many diseases, several of them potentially fatal, caused by a common parasite, the tick.

Here on LoveFraud we often refer to psychopaths as “parasites” because, like a common blood-sucking tick, they feed off of a host, without giving any benefit to the host, or giving any more thought to the damage they do to the host than a common tick does as he burrows into your flesh.

In the warmer months of the year, the tick searches for anything that is warm and moves and can actually leap small distances to latch on to the host. They like to burrow into the skin in a “tight spot,” like under your waistband or some other hidden area. Frequently, too, they will actually group up in one spot on the host, and when you detach the biggest tick on top, you will find several other smaller ones hidden beneath who are also sucking blood from the same spot.

Parasites, just like the psychopath, take without giving. Sometimes the parasites actually do give you something, but it is usually in the form of some noxious, toxic and potentially fatal or debilitating disease. In the case of ticks, one of the more common diseases they pass on is Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, which is a disease caused not by their bite, but by an infectious agent in their feces which can actually pass through intact skin. A few days after the tick has either dropped off voluntarily, sated with the host’s blood, or been pulled off, frequently leaving behind both feces and mouth parts imbedded in the skin, the host will start to feel ill and run a fever. People with RMSF usually break out in a rash that resembles measles. Frequently the host doesn’t even realize what has happened, and may not actually remember being bitten by a tick. With prompt treatment, 93 percent of the victims will live, but without treatment, as many as 20 percent of the victims will die of either the disease itself or complications induced by the illness.

My bout with Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever

A couple of summers ago, I noticed that I wasn’t feeling well. It was during the worst of the fear and chaos of my experience with a multitude of psychopaths all at once, so I wasn’t thinking really clearly in any case. I attributed my “feeling bad” to the stress I was under for a couple of months until I became so weak I could not even climb a flight of stairs or stand up long enough to wash a small sink full of dishes by hand. I had noticed a tick bite, one that had been on me for at least 24, and probably 36 hours, before I noticed it and removed it.

When I became so ill that I literally was as “weak as a kitten” I finally decided to put a thermometer in my mouth and found I had a fever of 101 degrees, so I called my physician. He drew blood after I had reported to him the tick bite a couple of months before, and sure enough, I had Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, though I had not broken out in the usual rash. I was so ill however, that my physician scheduled a battery of other tests and an appointment is a blood specialist and an infectious disease specialist. It took me almost a year to regain my strength and to start to feel better, but fortunately I ended up not having any lasting effects from the disease.

Remove the parasite promptly

Like ticks, psychopaths usually take a little time to not only suck your blood, but to transmit disease. If ticks are removed promptly, even if they have bitten you, there is little likelihood that they will infect you with something fatal. If they have time to deeply burrow into your skin, the longer they are there, the greater the likelihood that they will leave something behind that will cause problems for you. It may only be a painful, red, itching lesion that seems to drive you crazy with wanting to scratch to the bone, or it may be a disease that will land you in the ICU or the morgue, or cripple you with arthritis later on, like Lymes.

Not all diseases passed on to humans or other mammals by ticks and other parasites are as easily identifiable as RMSF. Some diseases that are potentially fatal have no reliable blood test to indicate that they are present. The person feels bad, but there is no objective symptom that can be identified either by the victim or the medical practitioner until great damage has occurred. These occult (unidentified) diseases may go undetected for months or years, doing their damage to the victim that is irreversible.

The psychopath and the tick

There is so much similarity between the psychopath and the tick, as well as other parasites. They burrow into our flesh and almost, in some cases, become part of us, while they suck our blood, and infect us with their toxic waste. They may not even appear to be so evil. “It’s just a bug bite, get over it,” our friends and family may say. Though we may become very ill from our even short association with these creatures, the illness may not be apparent to the naked eye like, say, a broken leg would be. We may struggle with the itch, the fever, the weakness, and the general debility left behind and not even realize that we have been infected with pathogens that can ruin or end our lives.

In addition to ticks attaching to us as we walk through grass or brush, ticks may also latch on to our pets or other family members, and thus gain entrance into our homes and lives by hitching a ride on our friends and pets. The tick may not even attack the pet or family member, but instead jump off on to our skin for his blood meal, using the intermediary only for transportation to get to us.

Look out for parasites

As I told the patients in my clinic, you need to be on the look out for ticks. If you or any member of your family, or pets, go anywhere in the summer time where there is grass, you should do a complete daily check for ticks, and carefully remove any that you find. Immediately wash the area and mark the date on the calendar, so that you can be on the look out for any sign of disease from even a short association with these creatures. If the symptoms of any kind of disease show up, seek medical attention immediately.

I think that same advice is useful for people who don’t live on a desert island alone, but live in the real world in which they may encounter psychopaths. I suggest that we all do a daily check of our lives to see if anyone we are dealing with even looks or acts at all like a parasite. If we see a parasite, quickly remove that parasite from our life. Wash all traces of them off of us. Then keep our eyes open for any covert damage that they have done to our life so that we can seek proper treatment as soon as possible.

Read two articles of LoveFraud, and call me in the morning!

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Jim in Indiana USA

“These occult (unidentified) diseases may go undetected for months or years, doing their damage to the victim that is irreversible.”-Oxy

LOL, Oxy does it again. Interesting term…”occult”…for the as yet unidentified diseases.

Can we get ticks to carry red flags, too, so we can spot ’em more easily?

Oxy, glad you survived to pass on the wisdom. Live long, well, and prosper.


Every time I get rid of one tick, a different variety jumps aboard. It doesn’t seem to matter what season it is, they turn up in the most unlikely places. My youngest son has a big bloodsucker on him that he won’t allow me pull out and its mother has also latched on. His therapist told him that I am in the wrong for continually pointing the tick out to him. My little dog got entirely consumed by a tick. I have so many scars from ticks that there is very little space on me where I haven’t been bitten. But worst of all my daughter, who was bitten by her parasite father has turned into a lifesize tick too! I am still recovering from multiple aches and pains left by various diseases from the faeces of the ticks.
I search daily to make sure there are none attached to me, then without exception when I least expect it..OUCH!! There it is.
I left the head in of the last one. I have tried metho, tweezers and the doctor, but every night I still see its head in my dreams. Help!


Bravo Oxy!

JIM in indiana – i like your trekkie yes s/ps should have warning beacons(like they put on dangerous planets in Star Trek;)

Ox Drover

Dear Dear Tilly,

Yes, my dear! I definitely know the feeling. When we were in South Africa years ago photographing wild life in the bush there were “Rhino ticks” that were the biggest things I had ever seen. almost the size of a dime, and green and speckled, they could suck through the inch-thick hide of the rhino. They would try to set down in the palm of your hand while you watched. They made me shudder as I squashed them.

Fortunately for us who have pets you can put a medication on their backs monthly that keep the ticks from sitting down and hainging on. they die. It doesn’t REPEL 100% but does kill those that sit down. We can do the same thing for our cattle as well. I wish there were something we can do for ourselves that would work for real ticks, AND for psychopaths, but so far, it is WATCH and REMOVE ASAP.

I have gotten a few on me this year, only one that really burrowed in deeply, and I think most have hooked rides on my little Jack Russell into the house, so I also spray him with a repellant to help decrease this.

WAtching someone else that you love with a huge blood-engorged tick hang off the end of their nose and watching them stumble around, unable to see the tick itself or how weak and debilitated that they have become from the continal blood loss and toxins injected into their system, is horrible. I spent almost 8 years watching my son C in that condition, and I know that you also have the same exact problem with your own son, who has that huge parasite attached to his life, along with the mother of all ticks as well.

The damaage is so OBVIOUS to us, but they can’t even see the darned tick on the end of their nose. I stumbled around for a full TWO MONTHS getting weaker and weaker, running fevers every night that felt like “menopausal hot flashes” and I didn’t even have the presence of mind to take my termperature for two months. I just kept asking people “is it hot in here to you” and they said “no, it is fine” so I ignored it.

It was only when I became so PHYSICALLY WEAK and debilitated that I sought help medically. the same thing applies, I think, many times to the HUMAN TICK, THE PSYCHOPATH, it is not until they have made us so weak we can’t function at all, that we will seek treatment or recognize that SOMETHING is making us VERY ILL.

Sometimes people have to be FLAT OF THEIR BACKS before they will look UP to God or others for help. Sometimes that is TOO LATE, unfortunately, as this week’s articles have shown so clearly with Kelsi’s murder. Sometimes people wait TOO long for help. My son C almost waited too long, and I thank God every day that my X-DIL’s plot and attempt to kill him and make it look like “self defense” did not work.

Even after I had been infected by the tick and was feeling severe symptoms, BECAUSE OF MY CONFUSION and FEAR of my psychopathic-parasites, I overlooked the symptoms of my own impending illness and even possibly death if I had not been treated, and made “excuses” why I felt that way. “Stress, it must be the stress.”

I have NO doubt that the four potentially LIFE THREATENING INFECTIONS I had during the aftermath of my husband’s death and the P-attacks was as a result of the STRESS and PTSD wiping out my fairly good immune system and opening my body (as well as mind) to infections of opportunity that I would normally have resisted had I not been under such emotional stress.

I’ve studied the effects of extreme stress on the body and mind of humans and animals since my freshman year in college, and some how I seemed to think that I WAS IMMUNE from this biological FACT. DUH!?!!!! I am the POSTER CHILD (okay, poster OLD LADY) for THE EFFECTS OF EXTREME STRESS IN HUMANS. Put my picture under the text, I have physically aged 20 years in appearance, I have mid-section fat accumulation that I never had before, I get infections that go rampant in record time, my mind is slowed down in my thinking, I can’t remember crap, my sleep cycle is disturbed, I have obscessive thoughts, I have anxiety, hypervigilence, paranoia, inability to set priorities, focusing instead on minor unimportant details that don’t mean anything, while the house around me burns to the ground and I don’t have the presence of mind to call the fire department because I have a hang nail I keep focusing on.

Yep, I have “improved” over the last couple of years as I searched, read, processed and blogged here on LF, but I am NOT back to where I was before July 14, 2004 when my husband’s plane went down and I heard the awful “whoosh” of fire about 10 seconds after the crash sound. From the date of the crash until May 2007 I lived in continual crisis and chaos, with the ticks piling on, sucking blood with one “emergency” after another using up what energy and instinct for self preservation I had left after the crash.

I was totally unable to see the huge, blood engorged ticks hanging from my body and sucking my strength, my blood, and infecting me with their toxic wastes. It took a REAL TICK to finally bring me to the ground in September of 07, and make me get up and start to take care of MYSELF. To take care of my health and start me on a road toward healing.

It took a combination of that complete weakness and LoveFraud to make me start my recovery process, and my ability to regain my strength and start to heal both my body and my mind and soul.

I’ve still got some disabilities that I am not sure I will ever totally get rid of, but I also have some ABILITIES that I did not have before all this.

I not only watch for the insect parasites, but I also watch for the two-legged parasitic creatures that come into my life. I have a CAUTION that I didn’t have before, becauser I know it can happen to ME, not just to others.

I have also been given the wonderful gift of the return of my son C to my arms and heart, and the GIFT of seeing his recovery and healing. He too will never be the “same” as he was before because now he sees just how TOXIC these parasites can be, and is more able to distinguish them from the non-toxic two-legged “bugs” we see every day as we interact with people. My son D who works with teh Boy Scouts is able to educate both other counselors and campers to the dangers not only of the creepy crawly ticks in the woods, but the two-legged variety as well.

Hang in there, Tilly, it is a slow process and requires that we study hard and learn the lessons in the class, but I think you are making big progress toward recovery. (((hugs))))


Thank Ox Drover,

I often thought about parasites or the “bug” compared to our parasitic “human variety types“…

Our parasitic bugs are as close as your back yard. How many times our pet come back into the house bringing with it an uninvited guest. Pet owner’s are reminded by their vets annually that our hairy friends are at risk during the hot summer months.

Well it turns out that our “human variety” of this parasite is also as close as our back yards but we call it technology in short our computers. We pick them up on dating sites blog sites and other places we might feel “safe”. They come to us via facebook myspace and many other sites like these.

This human variety comes with many names or should I say screen names like; Singlefather06 searching4soulmate looking2meetperson4longterm and many more (these screen names are fiction) but they are in fact parasitic that hide their true nature and persona. Now I know that this is not the only places we may come into contact with them and that one can meet one on a train plane at church or some other general meeting place and activities . But like the tick it hides until the right moment to leap and/or jump on the host. This human variety also hides using the internet as perfect cover. It is harder for them in social gathering plus supply is more numerous on the net then what can be done in a social gathering. If anyone knows and/or spend any time on the net it’s all about numbers or “hits” as we call them. Again the internet offers the perfect caliginous for this purpose “numbers” or hits as we call them.

“If we see a parasite, quickly remove that parasite from our life. Wash all traces of them off of us. Then keep our eyes open for any covert damage that they have done to our life so that we can seek proper treatment as soon as possible.”

I believe this is something we should do whenever we come into contact with “strangers” or “new friends” albeit the internet or other places. Our human variety of a parasite also shows us it true self and we can understands like the tick what to look for. Members here at LoveFraud knows too well the many red flags which will aid us in spotting then removing the parasitic human variety type before a great deal of damage is already done….


I have too put my two cent’s in here. Two weeks ago I felt something painful on my back right between my shoulder blades, I thought maybe a mosquito bite, but I got the mirror and looked and sure nuff a tick. I tried to reach it with my hands, I twisted around like a pretzel and could not get to it. I thought about going to my son’s for help but I knew he would say “thats what ya get for sleeping with dogs’ kinda like my X – if you look for love under rocks you will always find scum? Oh well – needless to say I was helpless and all alone – hmmm – go figure – so I backed up to a tree and scrathed it off – let the head and the crap inside – but it festered for a while and finally healed – I will let ya know if I survived ‘the tick on my back’


Hey Henry: Nice trick! Next time, though, you might try using a spatula. Seriously! It’s a down-home solution, and the flat blade of the spatula is more likely to scrape off the whole tick and not leave mouth parts.

The tick I had on my back sucked away my home and business. I’d say you got off lucky!


I remember as a child when working on the farm or being outside all the time how I saw some animals covered with these “ticks”. I remember feeling so sorry for these dogs and cats. I wanted to pull them out but my father telling me how the heads will stay inside the animals and just pulling out the bodies wasn’t enough. How we had to make sure we “got all of it out”!

This is how I feel about the tick of the human kind. Just pulling them off of us isn’t enough we must make sure we get all of them out of us. This we do whenever we start to heal by learning and understanding our toxic relationship with them. Henry we has to make sure we get it all out and only by understanding and learning how too will we be able to do so..

PS: henry you survived your ex s/p and no doubt will survive this! 🙂



“The tick I had on my back sucked away my home and business. I’d say you got off lucky!”


Good one! 🙂


Sorry for your loss Rune, they do leave scars that no one else can see. Those slimey little back biters, back stabbers. I know they are out there and I will always be watching my back from now on. I will carry a fly swat and a can of RAID the rest of my life.


henry: I think last week you described P’s as parasites stuck on our ass, or something like that, anyway…. it cracked me up.


yes I did – but it was Oxys original analogy – chiggers are just as bad – no they are worse – I have had them from my ankles up to my —-


I just seem to attract parasite’s – Dear God please dont let my shame degenerate into self pity — amen


I have to copy and paste that last entry into my journal!


SoChic: I wasn’t kidding!

That’s the problem with metaphors and analogies — they can be oh-so-real!


Thankyou again Oxy!!!
I owe you big time..(I know, by helping others..)
I agree with you that I am making big progress towards recovery (we all are). Do you think, from the little I have told you about my middle son, (the one that I never see or hear from hardly at all), do you think he is a cluster B?
I am ready to at least consider it after my “little breakthrough today in that arena”.
Love and thankyou so much for sharing from the heart and helping me SOOOOOO MUCH!
love Tilly.


Hello. This is my first comment though I have been reading the posts since January 2008. Thanks to all for sharing your experiences. As uncomfortable as it makes me feel – creepy crawley things – your comparison of sociopaths and parasites seems on the mark. Especially where there’s one, others may be lurking. I used to think that such people were solitary in their pursuits but have evolved my understanding after my own experiences and two years of reading everything I can find. Thanks again for your sharing and insight.

Jim in Indiana USA

Welcome legendsleuth…yeah, it’s a good place, isn’t it?

Tilly….”a real fair dinkum”…that’s good, right? I’ve borrowed some expressions from a virtual Aussie friend, with his permission…might use it with him, but don’t want to make a mistake….glad you’re here, Tilly!


legendsleuth: I see we started reading LF at the same time! I have learned a lot from this website also. Hope to hear from you again real soon!


Hey Jim in Indiana USA,
“fair dinkum” means “honest to God, true, real, not lying about it, I would swear on the Bible, “, add a question mark and it means, “is that what REALLY happened? I can’t believe your telling me this! Are you LYING to me?, I can’t believe that!”….and lots lots more on that track!”
“bloody oath” means ” YES!” or “I am not lying, I never would lie about this, I am telling you the truth, that is so true, I agree with you 100%” etc.
Perfect language for you everyday aussie con man, “What d’yu reckon?” lol
I Gotta luv yu Jim! ( You were my first response on LF and it meant the WORLD to me as I was in melt down). THANKYOU!!!!!!


P.S. Tilly is short for Matilda and guess what ?
When the first settlers came to Australia they said to the Indigenous Aboriginal People, ” What is that hopping creature called?”
And the Indigenous People said, “kangaroo!”
Which means, “I don’t understand!”
Fair Dinkum Jim!


I am still newbee here and couldn’t find a topic about RED FLAGS, so will post it here.
Just to make all of u laugh, how stupid we could be to ignore them. After getting over for almost 99%, i am laughing when i remember this….
My N and me were in so deep love, “beyond this world” as he said. We were living in different places, and could afford a meeting once in 2-3-4 months, to spend a “heavenly” week together (on my expenses, of course, even for gasoline and food).
After 3 months i was about to travel, and he asked me to skip one meeting, and instead of it, to send him money to get new tyres for car 🙂 OK…i did it…and we met after 5 months.
He asked me first night what would i like to do, and i said i would love to go to the beach, to watch the moon, stars, waves…
He drove to the Marina, opened the doors of car and said: Honey, gowatch the sky and stars, i am tired and will take a nap in car while u are watching them :))))))))
I wish if i can go back in time and smash him with a great, big slap…but THAN, i felt sorry and guilt…he is tired and im asking him to drive me to the shore…


too bad we can’t post a picture here at LF. Ever look at a tick under a scope? They are ugly creatures!

Almost like my ex s/p did when she woke up in the morning!

Okay okay that wasn’t call for so I take it back….

Guess I just in one of my many moods today… 🙁


James says:
too bad we can’t post a picture here at LF. Ever look at a tick under a scope? They are ugly creatures!

LF is our scope,We can picture them all with 8 hairy legs and an ugly set of pincers if you like.


Not sure if this will work but let’s try, it’s a picture of a dog tick


OH joy it worked…

Computers can be fun…LOL



What in the world is it about S/P/N’s AND TIRES, OR AUTO PARTS OR INSPECTION NEEDED AND CANT AFFORD!! LOL Your story is classic!!!!!!!! And oh how we see the Red Flags a wavin’ when we are out of it and look back!!!! I will never forget the time he TEXTED and said car broke down and was being towed. We texted back and forth until driver came..he gave me song and dance about not getting paid til following week…could he borrow like 500… He came over I layed it on the table counting 1, 2,3,4,and 5 and handed it to him saying I really need it back by next week I took it from savings..He said something totally unrelated maybe even wow Im starving…and I remember being in like slow motion with my hand still out and face looking at him WAITING FOR A MUCH APPRECIATED AND SIMPLE ” THANK YOU” – I carried on with conversation or offering something to eat all the while “FEELING OFF TO MY CORE” “FELT REALLY WEIRD HELPING SOMEONE FINANCIALLY LIKE THAT AND NOT EVEN BEING THANKED. And never ever ever any mention of ever returning the loans or trying to return them or wanting to. And I of course didnt bring it up because my self-respect and self-protection was off in la-la land… dont wanna upset the apple cart or something to that effect…always making sure he was ok and happy. Ugh I cringe for the person I was TO SOMEONE WHO WAS UNRECIPROCAL.

Red Flags are my new best friend. stop . change direction. Reciprocal Friendships/Relationships are what its about..


Oxy- I love your brilliant post. I just had my first experience with actual ticks about a month ago visiting a friend. She had a little chihuahua covered in ticks, I spent two hours bathing him and picking out the heads. It was one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever done, but I had to save that poor little dog. (Hopefully I’ll stick to saving defenseless animals now instead of attempting to “save” my ex from himself.)

Anyhow, I never had realized just how disgusting and horrible ticks were before, and your analogy is so true. I got on today bc I’m having a rough time for some reason. I was trying to talk to my mom about my S, but I don’t know why I bother…I feel like she sees it as my own fault for letting him use me, which is true, but I can’t make her or anyone understand how it is to actually be involved with this person. I wish they would be less judgmental and realize that they could have been just as vulnerable as I was if they ever had a relationship with one of these creatures.

ANyway it went downhill from the mom-chat. I started feeling like noone understands. I don’t personally know a single person who understands what I’m going through, which can make a person feel very alone. I already AM alone in this city, where the only person I know aside from a few ppl I’ve met at work is my S.

I am having the first urges to contact him today since I got serious about no contact three weeks ago. I want tell him to ask me to come back so I can say no. I want to tell him what a total piece of parasite-excrement that he is. I want to tell him that I never really believed any of his BS from the beginning…and that I just thought maybe I could help him somehow. I want to inflict so much emotional pain on him, but there’s no way to do that since he doesn’t experience such a thing. I want to mail him back the ring he gave me, or hide it in his drink so he could choke on it. And I want this to just be a bad dream I can’t believe that someone I spent so much time giving to and loving could be such a lie. How can he just discard me after I spent years lending him money and driving him around and listening to his stories about how everyone is against him in his family or how he never got the chance to succeed. He always resented me bc my parents provided me an education and were there when I needed them. Perhaps if he hadn’t repeatedly screwed over everyone who ever tried to help him his parents would be there for him.

The worst is that when I end up feeling all alone I kind of miss his cruel negative perception of the world…he always knew the right things to say if I was angry with someone. What you want to hear…like “yeah they are a jerk!” not the kind of good advice a good person would give but the kind that makes you feel better in the moment. I remember him telling me right when we started dating that “noone really cares about anything but themselves.” I was so shocked, I dismissed it thinking he must not truly believe that. But of course he did, and why not bc he certainly only cared about himself. I’d try to give examples of other ppl caring for others, and he would always turn it around somehow to make it look like they were only doing for their own benefit. Something like, they just do it to make themselves feel better…therefore it’s in their own interest. He’d always say how no one could succeed w/o the help of their parents, (so he didn’t have to take responsibility for the miserable failure he is) and make me feel guilty bc my parents give a rats ass. And he didn’t believe in any of the rags to riches stories, that he was in the position hes in bc of choices that he made. He had no personal accountability. Also no shame, no consceince, no credit. Writing all these things down I don’t know how I can even miss him.

How is it possible that I am this total crying trainwreck over someone who is such a loser at everything! How could I let someone make me feel so horrible for such a long period of time? I dumped him, five years ago, and moved out of the state. I knew then if I was in the same place as him I’d never get out of this rut, but somehow, he weaseled his way back into my life. And now here I am back in the same or worse spot than I was five years ago. I’m so afraid. I’ve never even dated anyone but him really. I started seeing him when I was barely 19 and he was 30. (Should have been my first clue). I have effectively wastsed my 20s, and have no idea where to start with a normal person. This is the only “real” romanitic relationship I’ve ever had. What if I never find anyone normal, or scare them all away with all this baggage! How could a normal person every understand why I would have wasted all of this time with someone so lame and emotionally abusive?

Everytime in the past that I thought I’d got the whole tick, head and all out of my flesh, it’s reappeared, fatter than ever. I thought for sure that this was the last straw…that I finally removed the whole damn thing, and now I must have contracted the Rocky Mountain Fever because for some reason, instead of rejoicing that I’ve finally rid myself of this parasite, I’m wondering why I wasn’t desirable enough for it to stick around and suck my blood a little longer. Why aren’t my blood/tears good enough for him?

Ugh I don’t expect answers to any of this but I feel like I’m losing my mind today. I want to be done feeling like this. I want to be done missing him, done waking up to thoughts about him, done dreaming about him, done remembering him at all.

How long is this bite going to cause me pain?


Oh my arent we glad we are not the confused and confined people they are! I remember asking him to come watch the sun set with me, its going to be a beautiful one and he would say ‘ok sugarbooger as soon as I finsih this game of lotso’ and he would never come out . And I would watch the sunset and ask myself whats wrong with me that I like sunsets?—yes under a mycroscope they are ugly evil scary blood sucking angels that look so good on the surface – yeah I remember that too….somebody find a skillit, Henry’s feeling sad and needs to get laid…………..


Dear Done,

I think it was James who wrote the following…forgive me…I went back to the thread to find the link and am not certain if it was James post, but I think so.

“these people just don’t see other’s need as important and therefore won’t do what most people expect from them.

NPD interferes with people’s functioning in their occupations and in their relationships:


After we leave them and life gets tough and lonely, we realize they had us hooked onto to their toxic flow thru our system… our bodies start to go a few steps forward but long for the comfort of the same old same old…even if its negativity…its still attention and “Something going on in our lives whether exciting, challenging, frustrating, trying, or destructive…you are NORMAL and going through this process of understanding everything that happened.

You were with him because you were a caring loving giving empathetic being who was wanting the same thing in return…they give in the beginning only to not be able to function in a healthy relationship long term — that requires reciprocity and selflessness and healthy doses of eachother having self-respect, self-love and self-value…they cant do that and we begin to lose our own in an effort to keep them, keep the peace, keep going….

But NOW as you go through the pain and talk about it and share it and understand it, it will grow less and less and your will continue to grow leaps and bounds while he remains stagnant. Not sure if you are in your late twentys or early thirtys but both are an ideal time to find yourself again…there are others who out there who can relate to your story with their ex’s and you will grow and eventually not want to mention your relationship with him ..

Just remember this is not why werent you good enough…the thinking with these people in the aftermath is why are they so hollow? so self-centered? so clueless in life and with me and with others? Why do they lie and feel entitled?? Why do they use? Why are they so dysfunctional? At least now we know the red flags and signs and really know how we should be treated…

Time, more reading, more posting, more accepting that you are in the midway point of the process geting closer to all the things you want (to be done feeling this and done missing and done waking up to thoughts, etc….I PROMISE YOU IF YOU STICK TO YOUR SELF-EVERYTHING you will not let yourself down (the way he will if you opt to go back!) …keep going gets better…it took Oxy a year to get over Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever… its alot of self TLC, and reflecting and accepting he was a bad man for you in your life… you were taken advantage of and taken for granted…now you are protecting yourself and growing and learning from the experience. Im glad you are now in the recovery process…and so DONE with him…stay gets better!!!!


Thank you Learnthelesson for the above post.


Thank you LTL. I know I have to take the bad with the good days. I’d rather it be one bad day than a lifetime of days spent with him guessing which personality I’d be dealing with on that day…the nice logical version or the narcissistic pessimist that could make me question and blame myself about everything.

Your post reminded me of two conversations I had w my S. One, where he was telling me how much he’d seen me grow over the past few years, graduate from college, get a career, etc. But how he wanted me to be “Awesome,” by which he meant: be myself, be strong, don’t try to too hard to please anyone, etc. He said I was too good for him..blah blah blah…and told me to call him when I was ‘awesome’ and I told him, “If I was ‘awesome’, I wouldn’t be talking to your sorry a$$” He told me “I know, and that’s the rub” –to make me feel sorry for him probably…like i would leave him for someone else or something (all of this at the time seemed like just some joking and sarcasm).

The point of that story was that you said once i become all that i can be, they leave. That was his def. of awesome: me becoming all that i can be, and he saw it happening and scurried off to a new victim.

The second conversation I recalled was when he was telling me how he was going to break up with this woman he was seeing (before i moved back to his city) but he didn’t want to tell her I was coming back yet bc he was afraid she’d harm herself because she was “fragile” and “has a long history of being screwed over by men” (soon to be a longer history). Anyway I moved back and we were together and of course once he saw that I wasn’t going to support him financially anymore, he bailed. But not before making all kinds of promises, i think he made them just to break them. Just to dig the knife in a little deeper. He left me for this “fragile, victim.” In hindsight, he hardly even lied to me. He told me flat out that she was a better host/victim for him. I should have known right then that he knew he had almost sucked me dry and was preparing to hop onto her. He also fed me some line about not wanting her to know he was moving in because she would just get jealous and want him back, and it would be more difficult. Now it’s clear that he planned it that way, he was completely aware of what he was doing. The day he announced he wasn’t moving in with me (earlier the same day he told me he was packing) he told me that he was “in love with her still.” At the time I was thinking, how cruel and unnecessary for him to tell me that. But now, I can see that he doesn’t love her, or me, and that he probably tells her the same thing. He just wanted me to be hurt and jealous and beg for him to choose me, so he could continue to bleed me. I’m sure he told her he was in love with me, then she got needy and probably let him move in with her. ugh.

Now I just need to learn to hang onto that clarity, and I won’t miss him at all. But sometimes it seems to disappear and I start wondering if I’m the crazy one, or thinking maybe he isn’t an S, maybe that’s just a defense mechanism I’m using, but if he isn’t then that means he just doesn’t love me, and it just snowballs out of control from there.

I can take some comfort knowing that he must be completely shocked that I have not called or sent a single text since that night. I just told him I didn’t have any tears left for him and that was it. (one of the few times I’ve saved my dignity when it comes to him.) If I hadn’t found this site I’d probably have called him a million times trying to figure out how he could suddenly stop loving me.

Thanks so much for the support! I know when I come here I can at least cut those painful times short.



Also- Thanks for the link, I just checked it out and look forward to reading the whole thing. And, I’m going to print out your post and put it in my wallet for times I’m away from the computer and need some uplifting.


BTW I’ll be 29 in July.

Hecates path

Here I am breaking my promise not to post/reply, etc. until my grades are done, the school year is over, and I post my story… LOL. I’ll get back on the wagon in 5 minutes… 🙂

DONE, your post could’ve/would’ve been written by me many times over the last months when I tried desperately to figure out what was wrong with me vs. what was wrong with the S. LTL’s reply was so inspiring and true… I wish those words had been posted on my mirror last spring for a daily reminder!
Henry, your love of sunsets is very refreshing and I hope you will find that special (non-cluster B!) someone to share them with! In the mean time, your sunset reference reminded me of how Pony Boy in the book The Outsiders had a love of sunsets, which the author connected to Robert Frost’s poem “Nothing Gold Can Stay”

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay

So many interpretations and meanings but always a good reminder of the power of rebirth and renewal… yes, we want to hold on to a beautiful flower but in accepting it’s loss, we are open to the possibility and joy of another blossom blooming forth in it’s own time. 🙂
Ok … putting my English teacher persona away so I can go grade more History tests…

Have a good night, all! And, thank you so much for the warm welcome to my first post last week…

Jim in Indiana USA

Tilly (Matilda)-thanks for clearing up my “fair dinkum” question. And I loved the kangaroo story…ye ‘ave me bloody oath on that.

OH…do you “waltz”?

and….Thank You!




I feel like we all have been on such painful journies filled with insight and lessons.

The most important thing is to acknowledge you were a caring loving giving partner to your ex. In fact I think many of us were probably some of the best friends these people will ever have…

That being said I also had to acknowledge I had some flaws/weaknesses in the relationship (nothing compared to his – but still some that clearly added to the cycle of events)…I allowed my self-respect, self-trust and self-worth and self-love be manipulated and eventually tossed it out the window in order to do whatever it took to save the relationship…problem is it was an unhealthy relationship NOT WORTH SAVING AND NEVER ABLE TO FIX OR CHANGE.

So now what? Well unlike him who sees only one way or the highway… I see the possbility of change on the horizon..change for the better…change from within…to regain my sense of self-everything and be not only the person I was before I met him..but a whole heck of a lot wiser and prepared to deal with toxic people or just people who dont truly respect care love (themselves or others).

Once you recognize what the red flags are — you see it has very little to do with “love” …and that they never really stopped loving us – cuz they never really started to love us (other than thru a mask mimicking the emotions and motions until they just couldnt be who they arent capable of being long term — honest, faithful, empathetic, REAL. They are disordered and dysfunctional and unable to have HEALTHY long lasting relations. They can have relationships lasting for years (unhealthy ones tho, controlling ones, dysfunctional ones if they get paired with an insecure weak unprepared partner)…


DONE, Im so amazed and proud of you that ever since you decided you were Done with him this time that you have not texted or contacted him. You are right, he is like WOW – She really read my number this time – and she can read me like a book now — I better stay away and find someone who is weak and insecure who I can suck the life out of them .

Make this part of the journey be about you…who you were before him…who you want to be…and who you know you truly are in there! Build yourself up….know that he brings you down…we have the choice that they forfeit….we can move on and learn and grow and become healthy and happy again…

they stay stagnant making bad choices and never truly connecting with others…just masking and pretending and making everyone think they are happy and good and are gods gift…. when really they know they are nothing on the inside but lost and lonely..ultimately because of their life choices . Ones we cant inspire or change in them…they chose to be who they are.

Done, hang in there. Think of your wonderful spirit and soul coming to life again simply because of you and being all that you are!! And HENRY you are as close as I am to the next phase of this journey!! xoxo

Hecates…. we def need to see more posts of yours! Im sorry I missed your first post…I will try to find it. Welcome, sorry you are a member of our team…but its a great healing place to be! And that poem, WOW…what a beautiful, timely poem… rebirth and renewal for the most precious gift in our lives…ourselves to share with ourselves and others…


Learn: You said, “Just remember this is not why werent you good enough”the thinking with these people in the aftermath is why are they so hollow? so self-centered? so clueless in life and with me and with others? Why do they lie and feel entitled?? Why do they use? Why are they so dysfunctional? At least now we know the red flags and signs and really know how we should be treated”

The answer is that their thinking is twisted in ways we can’t imagine. What we see on the outside — entitlement, self-centeredness, emotional vacuum, fabrications, manipulation — are all reflections of their distorted thinking on the inside.

If the professionals don’t have a solution for the severely disordered, why should we be so bold as to think that we can “fix them with love”?

We don’t need to waste our time in asking “why do they do this?” They do it because they have rigidified their thinking, or they were born and developed with altered brain physiology or chemistry, and they just don’t think like the rest of us.

Bribery, love, sex, kindness — nothing will shift their thought patterns if they are truly disordered.

So, back to us. We can figure out how we can insulate ourselves from giving their words and actions the credibility that will let them hurt us. And we can figure out how we can move on, as best we can, being in integrity with our caring selves.


Hey Rune….Boy, I have the worst way with expressing myself sometimes…what you are pointing out is what I was trying to express in the most round about way… lol

My way was meaning VS… the thinking that Done is doing…why isnt My blood and tears enough for him…why wasnt I desireable…why didnt he love me… What helped me was to change that to generalized thoughts (not really needing answers but it helped me to build up my strength by saying hey its now WHY ME, WHAT WRONG WITH ME…. Its

Why is he so self-centered. why is he such a cheater? Why does he lie? Why did he manipulate …etec….etc.. .OH YAH THATS RIGHT — HE IS DISORDERED …HE IS THE REASON THIS STORY ENDED… HE IS A LOSER AND ABUSER AND USER>>>

I didnt mean literally try to answer each question, I just meant thats the thoughts that helped me transition from the devasation and misconception that this was something I did or my fault or that I wasnt good enough or loved.

But yes Rune, Im right on board with you in my round about way!! Thanks 🙂


oops typo…build up my strength by saying hey its NOT Why me, whats wrong with with me…Its….


Done & Everyone: Hi, just throwing this idea out there… Done, you wrote: “How could a normal person every understand why I would have wasted all of this time with someone so lame and emotionally abusive?”… I don’t think I would really try to explain the whole thing to someone else… they wouldn’t “get it” anyway and why do we have to spill our guts to another love interest? Anyone have any thoughts about this?….. Thanks!


Yep…eventually we dont even want to talk about our ex…its embarrassing…and I have said I was involved in an unhealthy relationship in that we didnt have good communication or compatibility with some of lifes most basic and fundamental things…. I never trash talk him…I never bring him up on my own…if I am asked about my past relationship I am honest in the above way…but say Ive learned and grown from my experiences with others and ready to go forward on my own making new friends and acquaintences. LESS IS BEST RE: EXTOX TALK!!!!


SoChic: I use my experience as a way to educate others about sociopathy and psychopathy. I am careful who I speak with, and I don’t talk as if it’s a normal break-up gone horribly wrong. I have had some amazing experiences in conversation with people who have shared their own stories — things they never could have explained to anyone else, until I opened the door by speaking my truth.

One person told me that his aunt was murdered by her husband — who was laughing and joking with the guards at the trial. Mr. Charisma, he was. Until we spoke, he had no understanding at all about the nature of a psychopath. And he was studying psychology as his major in school.


Yes learn they are like a STD – sexually transmitted dysfunction. It is necessary to talk about it when you know you are affected. Necessary to learn and educate yourself about the affliction. Necessary to see why we need to change so we can avoid a similar affection. And at some point necessary to put it in the past where it belongs and focus on tomorrow.


Well said Henry!!! Towando!


LTL & Rune: I agree with both of you! It’s a good way to educate people about S’s & P’s, of course you have to be careful who you talk to and who you tell your truth to. You guys are the only ones who really know my “truth”, I’ve only told my sister about 10%!! If she knew I loaned him money I’d never hear the end of it! LOL. If it was someone I was dating I think I would just say that I had been in a unhealthy relationship… yadda yadda yadda. I guess if you are seeing someone, or get serious with someone, and you were married and have kids with the S and the new person might see some of the craziness you go through, I guess one might have to explain something (like 10% of it, ha).


If you don’t believe that ticks exist, you won’t recognize them, and you won’t know the danger of leaving them in place. You’ll know you need to get rid of them as quickly as possible, because the longer they stay attached to you, the more damage they can do.

And it doesn’t matter that you got a tick in the past, you can get another one today, and the ticks are still waiting to drop on you tomorrow as well.

We can move past the experience of the last “tick,” but we have to keep checking ourselves, and checking each other!


Rune – LTL I just fell out my chair – do you recall that CW song ‘I would like to check you for Ticks?’ lmao Goodnite to all my tick bitten friends……


On another “tick” note…. I spent the weekend on the shores of Delaware…my son spent a greater part of it crabbing on the bay as well as practically camping out by the pond for frogging for hours…running through the woods and grass and having the time of his life…I caught up on sleep and enjoyed adult time with the fam… yesterday I go to visit LF and I see Oxys wonderful insightful post about TICKS…and I shot up from the desk and said Oh my goodness I forgot to check my son for ticks!!!!!!! Something I always do when in those type of environments and totally forgot to do…well when he got home we not only had to do head to toe…but he wanted to go online and see what they look like, what they eat, what eats them, where they live….I didnt know whether to pull up a photo of a prison or a nature website!!! I went for the nature website (he is 8) and he will be getting Oxy’s article when he turns 13!!!! Thanks Oxy in more ways than one!!! xoxo


YES HENRY OMG!!! LOL>>>>BRAD PAISLEY!!! I Couldnt believe it went to number one!!!! !LOL


wouldnt mind checking Brad for ticks – ok ok i am off to bed…..

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