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Marriage to a sociopath ends in murder

Kelsi Miller

The beautiful young woman in the photo above is dead. On October 7, 2008, in Odessa, Texas, Kelsi Miller was murdered by her husband, Jarrett Weaver, a young man who fit the profile of a sociopath. He, too, is dead. Lovefraud just published their tragic story: Jarrett Weaver shoots his wife, then he shoots himself.

It’s heart-wrenching, worst-case scenario of what happens when people don’t understand the evil of a sociopath.

Kelsi Miller had everything going for her. Besides her obvious beauty, she was accomplished and caring. She was studying to be a nurse. Jarrett Weaver, however, was a manipulative drug addict who couldn’t hold a job. He was violent on the eve of their wedding, and the violence escalated to the unthinkable.

All the warning signs were there, if Kelsi had known what they meant. Jarrett rushed her into marriage. At age 22, he already had terrible credit, and all the bills were in Kelsi’s name. He erupted into rage many times. When his rage turned into assault and he was arrested, he pleaded for Kelsi to take him back, promising he would change and dedicate his life to God. He isolated her from family and friends. He threatened to kill her tiny pet Chihuahuas.

But Kelsi behaved as many women caught in domestic violence situations behave. Wanting to believe Jarrett’s promises and not his actions, she took him back. She didn’t tell her parents, who were justifiably concerned, what was really going on. She believed her husband, who so often proclaimed his love, would never harm her.

Kelsi Miller was wrong.

This case also shows what happens when sociopathy mixes with drugs. Sociopaths live to exert power and control over others. This makes them aggressive. Sociopaths also lives for thrills, which often makes them drug abusers. Jarrett Weaver was using alcohol, marijuana and Xanax. He was also abusing steroids, which probably made him even more aggressive—to the point where he lost control.

Or maybe he wanted to go out in a blaze of glory. We’ll never know.

This tragic story illustrates why the world needs to understand sociopaths. The messages we all hear about “there’s good in everyone” are false. In fact, those messages are dangerous. And to whom are they dangerous? To the people who truly are filled with good.

Read Jarrett Weaver shoots his wife, then he shoots himself.

Posted in: Cases, Donna Andersen

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221 Comments on "Marriage to a sociopath ends in murder"

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What a truly heart breaking story…and one to make us all sit back and thank God we all escaped our s’s. We at LF are the lucky ones. We have all suffered the pain, heart break, emotional rape, financial losses, etc,…but we are alive.
The story also demonstrates the need to educate our government officials, the police, the judges, the lawyers, about sociopaths. How many of us here at LF would have benefited if only the rest of the world really understood the utterly evil nature of these beings.
Today, I will say a prayer for all of our fallen military heroes, and give thanks for all they do and have done to protect our country. I will also say a prayer for all who have suffered at the hands of a sociopath, and for those who didn’t survive.

Sstiles54..

Amen to that…

The RED FLAGS were waving, screaming, warning…

The knowledge about the warning flags was not there nor provided to this 22 year old (as it wasnt for so many of us and generations before us and before them)

Knowledge is power…

Something is missing from our world…our education system from within our own homes to schools to law enforcement to government officials…something is dreadfully missing in teaching so many children to believe there is good in everyone or to do their best/give their best no matter what …SOMETHING IS MISSING IN OUR SOCIETY…I have no idea what it is…but it causing so many lives to be ruined beyond repair and/or lost forever…

My prayers to Kelsi and her family. Her mother did all she could once she became aware of the situation… my heart goes out to her.

The horrific cycle is never-ending in this world. Saddens me.

My deepest sympathy to the families in this familiar and heart-wrenching story.

I am encouraged by what Kelsi’s mother is doing. She is speaking out to audiences that include crime victims and (I assume) law enforcement and other professionals. In the final paragraphs of this article, there is this statement from the mother:

“I know what many of you are thinking. How in the world did a beautiful, intelligent, loving young lady with such a bright future fall for a total loser like that? I’ve often asked myself the same question. The answer is simple. The person she fell in love with never existed. It was an illusion created by him to defraud her into marrying him. Once married, he slowly began to reveal his true self, but she still believed in the basic goodness of humanity and got satisfaction from nurturing and helping others. He preyed upon this and deceived her with his charm and flattery, built up her trust, and then slowly isolated her from family and friends, and then it was all about power and control. Being the type of person she was, she believed in honoring her commitment even as she was beginning to realize that she had made a terrible mistake…”

In years past, before Lovefraud and before victims like us began to speak out, those thoughts would likely not have been expressed and certainly not understood.

The responsibility would have been laid upon the victim for her “gullibility,” or her “dependence” or her “weakness.” Law enforcement and the general public might have said “She drove him to do it” by her manner of dress, or her lack of submission, or any number of other false reasons. Today, because of what so many of you are doing here, that new message–that the responsibility lies solely with the disordered, deceptive, violent criminal–is being expressed and BELIEVED.

Huge thanks to Donna for this site, to Kelsi’s mother for turning her pain into action, and to everyone on this site for redefining what it is to be a victim of a psychopath.

I wish that cases like this one would never happen again.
Unfortunatelly can get away on time from these predators, hopefully one day the light will shine upon all of us.

love to you all

I pray that the sacrifice of this young woman to the ignorance about psychopaths will be the last life thrown away to ignorance…what you don’t know can KILL you, and that was obviously the case with this young woman.

God rest her soul!

Dear Soberana,

Glad you found your way to Love Fraud, whatever brought you here. there is a tremendous amount of information here, and I hope you will stay around and read and educate yourself on this type of thing. Welcome!

What a beautiful, kind and gentle woman Kelsi Miller was. A native Texas gal like myself.

Sounds to me, by the case story written by Miss Donna, that Jarrett was an extreme Borderline PD. He obviously had no control over his emotions and reacted, time and time again, with violence.

My older sister is a borderline and I could see her in his personality, actions and behaviors though clearly my sister is much, much more mild than this loser. Still, she has caused oodles of damage to her children and ex lovers. And to herself.

What is concerning me in particular about this tragic scenario is Jarrett’s childhood. Didn’t his parents deal with his crap day after day? Why didn’t they warn Kelsi about his propensity for violence, his incapacity for holding down a job?

Were they in denial about Jarrett? Were they like many parents who say…”oh, he’s a good boy. He doesn’t mean it when he hits stuff or yells and screams”? Or maybe they were in over the heads and terrified of Jarrett. I would be.

I just don’t get it and yes, I DO feel sadness for Jarrett’s parents, but they must have had many terrible instances of violence, emotional instability and disfunction while living with Jarrett.

This is beyond horrible. Another beautiful soul, another loving and good woman whos life is snuffed out so callously, so cruelly.

Heartbreaking….

Dear Jane,

I actually took note when the article referred to Kelsi choosing not to call her parents after Jarrett beat her in the face …but opted to call HIS parents to come pick her up in the parking lot…

What I took note of was that it was at the insistence of HIS MOTHER, that Kelsi call her mother and tell them what had happened. I found that to be very telling that HIS parents were not choosing to denial…at least at that point…

But all in all…I JUST DONT GET IT EITHER…as we all know at a certain point/age of child…we become unable to “control” any part of our kids lives and those that choose association with them irregardless of the red flags waving for ALL involved… :((

Its all so very sad…and scary to not have the tools to deal with Sociopaths, especially violent ones…from recognizing them to disassociating with them as a friend and/or lover upon the FIRST red flag…

I am referring our school guidance counselor to this sight… at 22 years old it is a HUGE eyeopener that we need to raise awareness that so much more needs to be done in educating people of the dangers as well as getting to the bottom of a treatment plan for the disordered individuals.

My comprehension of the magnitude of this situation world-wide is truly overwhelming.

Learnthelesson,

Yeah, apparently his mother was trying to help Kelsi but it wasn’t enough to save her life.

And, no, I’m not blaming his parents for Jarrett’s incorrigibility which led to the untimely and excrutiating death of the lovely Kelsi.

I’m just sick to my stomach and pissed off that this sick, toxic relationship continued for so long. Poor Kelsi didn’t seem to stand a chance with a twisted person like Jarrett.

Yes, hindsight is 20/20 but for pity’s sake!…it is so far beyond the time when folks should intervene in these situations. We can’t underestimate the extent to which PDIs will go to win at all costs. To maintain some perverted sense of control even if that control contributes to the merciless death of a loved one. Of a wonderful human being like Kelsi.

I don’t need to know her personally to care for her. She’s me. She’s you. She is all of us. Only we are still alive and she is not.

To me it sounds like both sets of parents may have been aware that this guy was bad news, but again, Kelsi’s parents couldn’t warn her off of him, and his mother also couldn’t protect Kelsi, and advised her to call her parents.

It is a lose-lose situation from both stand points. Kelsi insisting on staying with him in spite of her parents’ warnings, and him not responding to any help from his parents.

Why was kelsi roped in with such a “loser” in the first place? What was it about her that made him attractive to her, that made her stay after the beatings started? (Trauma Bond?) “Women Who Love Psychopaths” obviously answers most of these questions. She was a caring and loving individual, who had trouble setting boundaries, which seems to be pretty much the common denominator with this kind of relationship.

Did her parents raise her with the idea that there “is good in everyone”? We probably will never know the complete story unless some true crime writer picks up on this and runs with it after an investigation of the entire situation.

It is still a “crying shame” and a loss for everyone and for both sets of parents. My heart goes out to the son’s parents and the daughter’s as well. It also makes my heart SAD as it was all so useless and pointless.

I just googled both of their names…as I have with all of these news articles…the news article appeared with very little detail about him..other than their relationship changed after they were married…he became violent. (But obviously by friends testimory, he was violent even before the wedding day) .. His obituary says he was a body builder and love to play the guitar… and there was one article about Kelsi and the kind of person she was from her co-workers perspectives…the kind who cheered everybody up and cared very much for family and friends…it linked to her Myspace profile…last log in date October 2, 2008…she lists her status as “Kelsi i feel like I’m taking crazy pills” her mood was listed as “pirate” ?

What can be done differently…what can we learn from this…how can others learn…there is no reference to his history or awareness to the situation anywhere…I commend Kelsi’s mom for bringing as much awareness and speaking out about it as much as she can.

Both families have to be utterly devastated and must have felt so helpless…

That is a very sad case. Problem is, like so many of us, even after she had concrete evidence of how abusive he was because she experienced it several times to HERSELF, she still choose to ignore it. Not a criticism of her as she was just like me and so many others of us here, stuck in denial of the obvious, so I mean I can relate.

There has been scads written on steroid abuse and the violent tendencies it induces in some people. That coupled with xanax abuse and alcohol abuse—this dude was a time bomb even if he had NO pre-existing personality disorder and was “only a drug addict. They are often also master manipultors and users and controllers and often have bad credit and certainly like to blow all the money on drugs. Just like a sociopth they will do anything to hang onto whoever their life raft is or who they can sucker into providing for them.
I sort of figure if this guy had been an actual sociopath he would not have killed himself right there in that apt. with her. I think he would have stolen her car, her cash, whatever else she had of value and high tailed it to Mexico or somewhere thinking he’d get away with it, or even if he thought he might get caught, he would have wanted one last hoorah of partying, boozing, drugs, and sex before it ended..

But at any rate, it is a sad story that hopefully everyone can learn from by seeing the signs of abuse, how it escalates, and that yes it can happen to you.

The last line is perfect. So sad. I make it a point to explain PD to all I know, including children. Too often, almost always we make exuses for psychopathic behavior and fail to trust our gut.

Kelsi sounded like me, when I was getting abused my my Psychopath husband when I was her age. However my husband did not have any suicidal tendencies. Only homicidal. He was straight..i.e. he did not take drugs, or drink much. Poor Kelsi, Such a waste of a beautiful young life, all because of ignorance of the psychopath. I was surprised that he killed himself as well. Perhaps it was because of the steroids or perhaps it was because he knew he would go to prison for the rest of his life..

My opinion for what it is worth is that many times “drugs” and “alcohol” are the attempts at the psychopath for seeking thrills or highs, not a separate thing. SO many Ps it seems ALSO are drug takers or alcoholics. It isn’t the drug/alcohol that makes them mean, it just releases the inhibitions for thier EXTERIOR CONTROL. It brings out the TRUE face of the psychopath, it doesn’t CAUSE the psychopathic behavior.

I also think that suicide is not just for depressed people, but I can say that suicide is the ultimate violence and done impulsively in many cases from anger that has no other release and not wanting the consequences of their prior murderous behavior.

Steroid do cause “roid rage” and I really think my P son was doing them as a teenager, but he swears not (like that is an indicator of whether he did or not!) but he raged, but he might have raged anyway. I did notice he pumped up A LOT in a month at the gym and his body is not a “pumped up” genetically inclined muscle builder type. His brother is the “muscle builder” type body and doesn’t even have to go to the gym to look like he does and the P son was jealous of his brother’s body build….and everything else. HE wanted to be the center of attention in ALL things.

Why this lovely young lady stayed with or even was attracted to this piece of scum–drugs or no drugs—I think is because she was a caring and sweet and committed person, and like “Women who love psychopaths” says, liked excitement and dominant men. The Ps can play the Alpha male in one way or another. Whatever it was, though, he was NO MORE HOOKED than we were, her results were just more quickly fatal.

I mean we can LOOK at this beautiful young woman (a 10 on a scale of 10) and SEE that she didn’t have to settle for scum. Even if she had been STUPID she could have attracted much better class of man, but for some reason, she chose him and chose to stay. Partly because of lack of experience I am sure, and I would GUESS that as a YOUNG woman she hated to call her parents because she was ashamed of picking him, staying with him, and what he was (probably what her parents told her he was) I know that my son C stayed with his X-Wife partly because he was ASHAMED to admit I had been RIGHT about my advice to “get to know her better” before he married her, and she convinced him I was trying to break them up so they eloped secretly. (I WAS trying to break them up but I didn’t want to be “too obvious” about it! LOL)

After the divorce, he told me that the “bliss” lasted about 6 months before the HELL ON EARTH VERBAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE STARTED—being the good, caring and COMMITTED to his choice, my son stayed through the HELL ON EARTH. and when she would try to physically fight with him he would just leave the house til she calmed down. Her repeeated threats to “divorce you” kept him in linie and letting her control the relationship completely.

I can’t even imagine what emotional abuse this young woman went through before the physical started…can we say TRAUMA BOND?

Actually, I think my son C was NOT trauma bonded to her, her trying to kill him (In addition to the affair) RELEASED him from his marriage vows and I actually think he was RELIEVED. He never seemed to or expressed any grief over the demise of his and her relationship, just that he had been RELEASED from the trap of his “vows” which he was committed to, I think, more than her. (If that makes any sense).

But I realize HOW CLOSE I CAME TO the same experience that Kelsi’s parents had, losing him to murder from the P. I will forever be grateful to God that I didn’t lose C as well as my P-son.

I wonder how close many of us came to losing our lives from our Ps? I bet more than even WE know (individually).

Jen2008,

Suicide is a complex act. The truth is everyone that completes suicide is not of the same mind set.

I do believe that homicide /suicide combination has a whole set of different dynamics going on, then either would as a single act.

An s/p would be capable of suicide even though this seems out of character, for those that hold themselves in such “high regard” under the RIGHT set of circumstances. Maybe not as common but certainly possible. Think grandious “going out in a big way.” (Columbine)

Adding the right mix of alchohol, street drugs, and Rx drugs, can also be the right ingredient to give people suicidal tendancies. Even a sociopath, because the right mix of drugs distorts their “control” of thinking as well.

Think about cults and the twisted way suicide is used. Brain washing people to give up their lives.
Twin Towers (pilots)
Slow suicide. Drug addicts….Who are deaths door step and keep going back.
Suicide is complex.

Witsend:

Have you ever spoken to a behavioral therapist about your son?

Not just a therapist, a BEHAVIORAL therapist. One that specializes in your specific issue (teenagers).

Maybe you don’t have them in your area.

Basically, they would advise YOU on what to say/do in order to “get through” to your son, even if your son is refusing therapy himself.

Deaar Rosa,

The problem with therapy with the Ps (and some just ordinary teenager “rebels”) is that they do NOT value any adult’s opinion and therapy actually makes them WORSE because it teaches them more about how to fake emotions and the “buzz words” of therapy that simulate “caring.”

EVen ordinary teenagers tune out mom/dad and go to their peers for all their advice. Frustrating!

Rosa: Do you know of the book “Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy!” I think that book is using some of the techniques you describe. I’ve recommended it to Witsend, and — yes, if we can modify the way we relate to them, we may be able to get a little bit of movement in their behavior.

Oxy, I recently learned of the dangers of using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with psychopathic individuals, and that chilled my bones. I think Rosa is talking about something else. Maybe we can get clarification?

Rosa,
I don’t know if we do have behavioral therapist in my area…Will have to look into that?
I do NOT have alot of options with therapy though as my son has medicaide and I have been VERY frustrated with the doors that medicaide closes as far as having choices/options all along.
I was on a waiting list (for a long time) for therapy as I have no insurance.

I am going to the library to see about that book that Rune has suggested.

Thanks everyone for going into the other thread to talk to jillsmith. I didn’t want her post to get missed.

Rune, what did you learn about cognative behavioral therapy?

Witsend: CBT is a therapy that teaches us to recognize emotions that come up and choose to acknowledge them, but not be ruled by them. That’s a simplistic description. But this is a technique that is also taught through several popular courses, including “The Sedona Method.”

For me, this allowed me to recognize the overwhelming feelings of despair or grief or rage in the moment, and then “address them.” Rather than be swept away, thinking that the emotion of the moment was THE WHOLE TRUTH IN MY LIFE, I could acknowledge the information they brought but also realize that the emotions are not the entire story.

This has been a very helpful tactic for me in dealing with PTSD. However, you might note that it just strengthens and validates a sociopath’s tendency to dismiss emotions and compartmentalize their actions.

Others may have more to add on this subject, but this is how I see it.

I have found CBT extremely useful in my situation, particularly with regard to the compulsion to ‘rake over’ what happend and ‘why’. But I completely agree that it could be a perfect tool for a sociopath to dismiss and compartmentalize poor behaviour.

NORMAL LPEOPLE can profit from CBT if they are motivated and supported.

PSYCHOPATHS become worse as they learn to manipulate better. My P son has had lots of therapy (After my divorce which was traumatic I put the three of us into CBT for 2 yrs) Boy, did that HELP HIM! NOT!!!! He has the lingo down pat!

Well, Oxy, you’ve supported what I heard about CBT and psychopaths.

I know, though, that for me CBT was the right thing at the right time to help me not drown in the flooding emotions that were part of my trauma.

Witsend:

I am not talking about sending your son to therapy.

I am talking about therapy that will give YOU the verbiage/techniques that you need to address your son at home on a day to day basis, especially when you see the troubling behavior.

You would DEFINITELY NOT TELL your son you are receiving this type of therapy.

And you would DEFINITELY NOT TELL him when you are using the techniques you learned at therapy on him.

I am no expert on this, and I have only just started researching.

But, there are techniques that you can use to intervene when you see the troubling behavior.

I am seeing behavior in my 5-yr-old niece that I don’t like, and she does not always respond well to conventional methods of discipline.

So, I am looking for ways to intervene when I see behaviors that could escalate and become problematic later.

The key is to intervene without telegraphing it in advance and coming in with all “guns blazing”, if you know what I mean.

The method is a little sneaky and stealthy, but when you are dealing with at-risk children or a teen showing psychopathic tendecies, conventional methods sort of go out the window.

I don’t know, maybe it is as simple as reading one of the books that have already been recommended to you.
Maybe you have already tried these tactics.

But, I am going to continue researching on my niece’s behalf. I will let you know if I find anything that would be beneficial to you.

I used to be afraid that the s would kill me. It was this really deep down, low laying feeling within myself, that almost seemed like a paranoid shadow. I would dismiss this feeling almost immediately as it would come up. I would rationalize it.

But now I think that it would have been possible. He read about killings and serial killers obsessively, he was very conning in his ways. He would set up elaborate traps for people and had a year or two criminal science major under his belt. He also had all the tools and physical strenght for killing.

I think he would have staged my death as an accident; in particular as such as a very degrading accident. For instance such as me drowning in my own vomit from drinking or commiting suicide.

I do not think that these were paranoid thoughts. I think it was a serious warning from the primal-self protection center of my brain trying to tell me to run…

It is no surprise though, every week we see a case of a s killing someone close to him/her on the news.

Rosa,
thanks for clarifing! I’m sorry sometimes I have so many ideas coming at me I am slow reording them in my brain. Lol

I NEED ideas so I want them to keep coming!

I am NOT familiar with it. The only door open to me for therapy right now is I am going to a college and seeing a student. I will ask him what he knows about this.

AS that is EXACTLY what I need. TOOLS to use with him on a daily basis.
This is where I feel I am loosing the battle and contributing to his disorder because I DON’T know what I am doing right or wrong anymore. Regular parenting doesn’t work.

I will definitely keep you posted on anything I find out.

Greenfern said: “I do not think that these were paranoid thoughts. I think it was a serious warning from the primal-self protection center of my brain trying to tell me to run””

I agree. Sometimes what looks or sounds like paranoia to others or even to ourselves is “justifiable paranoia”. In alot of Ann Rule’s books, the s or p committed murders to look like accidents or suicides and many of them got away with it for years before being found out. Sometimes they weren’t caught until someone else they knew died under mysterious circumstances too, then they were taken a closer look at. And sometimes some of them had girlfriend’s from years earlier that had also died under questionnable circumstances, but there wasn’t enough evidence to make a case.

Look at Drew Peterson, for ex. If Stacy had not disappeared, his previous wife Kathleen’s death would have remained ruled an accidental drowning. It is my opinion that alot more s or p’s commit murder that looks like accident’s or suicides than what people think. They just don’t get caught and entered into statistics.

Witsend: I think Rosa and I are suggesting similar approaches. “Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy” had a lot of advice that was VERY different from anything I found elsewhere. And it did shift things between my daughter and me.

Yes, Rosa, the usual parenting techniques just don’t work. They respond to more authoritarian discipline with even more negative behavior — and nobody gets ahead. I’ll be interested to see what resources you have.

Rune,
My library didn’t have the book.
I tried the other night ordering on amazon and of course I couldn’t remember my password on Amazon because I only ordered once before and for some reason it wouldn’t let me just do a new password as the sites usually do. Grrr…. I was frustrated. I HATE Passwords! Lol.
A simple thing like ordering a book…20 minutes later…No book. Will try again today.

Witsend: I know every penny counts, but I think the book retails for about $15 at the major bookstores. It’s one you might want to tuck under your mattress (the title is a bit offensive to the teens!) so you can read it at night, and UNDERLINE and DOG-EAR the good pages!

Rune,
I did order the book. today I WAS able to make a new account. I also ordered another that Oxy had mentioned.

Amazon is actually quicker for me because I don’t have a book store in my small town and have to go far enough away to get to the mall and major book stores.

I just thought if it was available at the library I would read it RIGHT NOW!

hey guys, just reading the above story and what a shame and what a wake up call. I can sit here and say my s was too much of a coward to ever do anything physical but that’s only because he would get caught. I esp like when the mother in her speech says that her daughter ‘s reasoning is simple. she fell in love with the illusion he sold her, my story as well. Im sitting here worrying as my father (narcissitic and distant but not a sociopath) is in the hospital and they are running some test s and it doesn’t sound very good and i’ve had a very non existant relatioship with him my whole life, hence being predisposed to narcissism and i do beleive it has alot to do with why i got involved with my s/p as he had many of the same characteristics as my dad only my father has a heart but is very self centered . The reason i am mentioning all this is i have a brother who is acloholic and i also suspect personality disordered, extremely manipulative and has gone through oodles of different family members money over the years . My poor father hasn’t even been diagnosed and my brother has already called a lawyer for a copy of the will. There is a farm involved which he is loafing on right now as he works in the oil and comes home to live on a part of the shop . Long story but the farm is in trust to me ssuperceding my father and step mother. I am dreading having to deal with this brother as he already has my dad gone and i said i think it’s presumptuous to be discussing anything at this point. I hate dealing with this brother at all but have no choice. All the knowledge with the s over the years to find out i have personality disorders all over the place. He keeps saying we need to discuss things etc. always has an agenda and i dread dealing with him at all esp. as i’ve just come out of a trauma program etc. dealing with the s for 6 years, don’t have the energy to fight and so tired of men and the treatment i’ve taken from them all. My own two sons are home at the moment(one leavign for Banff in a week and the other for military in Montreal in aug) and they care for me but they like to tell me how to live and worry about me. They are 22, and 26 and i have always managed to be responsible with finances but when it comes to my brother , i have to admit i need to be worried. Extremely persuasive and uses the pity ploy alot. any suggestions would be helpful. love kindheart,

Thank you all for your comments—almost 7 months later I am still trying to make sense of this situation and have been unable to—such as WHY she would stay with him???? I NEVER understood what she saw in him in the first place—he was NOT ANYTHING like the boys she dated–I tend to agree with a comment someone posted that she was too ashamed to admit to her parents that she had made a mistake—–sometimes I think it could have been that—but then she was always asking me if I thought he could change—to which I told her there was more to the story than what we knew—to Jen2008’s comment—Jarrett WAS a master manipulator—he would cry crocodile tears–I mean he even had my son feeling sorry for him–and had my son call my husband and tell him that I was being mean to him (jarrett)—-I don’t think any of us can truly understand a “p” ‘s thinking or actions because we are not “wired” that way—also by the time he murdered Kelsi, he had already “stolen” her $$$$—she had none—her car was in the shop being repaired because he had torn it up inside AND out—–he sat in there with her dead body at least 24 hours before he killed himself—-there was a bloody bed sheet taken into evidence—I don’t know if he had planned to wrap her in it and carry her off and dump her—but he was such a coward—I think he killed himself to escape punishment—–nevertheless—I miss my baby girl soooo much I can’t hardly concentrate on anything else in my life and what scares me is I have another daughter, 15, who looks just like Kelsi—and I have discouraged her from dating at this point because I don’t think I can deal with that just right yet—-I keep her busy with her cheerleading and flag corps in the band, school, and taking care of her horses—I just dread the day when I have to start dealing with her driving, dating, going off to college– I have suffered post traumatic stress disorder since all this–if I don’t know where she is every minute of the day—I get really really scared!!!! God help me!!!!!

kelsis mom

I am so very sorry for your loss. There are no words that can can be said to a parent that has lost a child.

I would suspect your daughter stayed with him because he led her to believe early on in the relationship that he was exactly what she wanted him to be. The illusion is what she loved and clung to. This is what predatory men like himself do. They have a keen sense to read into what a woman wants from a man. And that is what they portray themselves to be.

I know what it feels like to ask the “WHY” question. It can haunt you and complicate the grieving process. As the grieving journey continues the “whys” can also make you feel stuck and UNABLE to grieve.

I sincerely hope that you are able to find an answer to these questions that you can hold in your heart as truth.

Like you, I had to come up with my own conclusions to the questions that burned deep inside of me. It took some time but once I was able to do this I felt at peace with this part of the journey and was able to grieve.

Bless you and your family. Take comfort with each other.

Dearest Kelsis MOM,

God bless you and your family… Im so sorry and saddened for the loss of your beautiful bright sweet daughter…there are no words I suppose, but I thank you for sharing with us.

When I log on to Lovefraud since the article was posted, the first thing that appears is your beautiful Kelsi’s photo in the upper lefthand corner of my screen. My 16 year old daughter passed by me and said “Mom who is that? She is so pretty….

I decided to let her and her 14 year old sister read the article. I watched their faces and then cried when they cried…it was a powerful moment to be able to gently talk about the different kind of people in the world and the powerfulness of love and kindness and the confusion of it all when involved in an abusive relationship — and understanding the warning signs and how NOT to be treated or continue to be involved no matter how much one feels they should try to stay to make it better or hope for someone to change.

My 16 year old said she probably would have been just like Kelsi…(she has the kindest sweetest heart to the point of it being a detriment to her in situations like this…she gives to others more than herself and she sacrifices herself for others happiness…I have always worried that as beautiful and caring as she is that she could be terribly hurt in life by others if she didnt learn how to find the healthy balance of selfish awareness and selflessness.

Your daughters beautiful life and tragic ending really hit home with my daughter. She has been asking questions and wanting to talk about how will she know if she meets a bad guy? We may have never had this deep level of conversation if she had not passed by me the other day and saw Kelsi’s picture…Since finding LF and learning more and more about S/P/N’s I have begun to educate them on a smaller scale…but I truly thank you and Donna for sharing Kelsi’s painful story.

Many blessings to you and your family. I pray God will guide you and help you every step of the way…take care of yourself…take one day at a time…stay with us at LF if you are able to and would like to…you and Kelsi and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. ((Hugs))

Kelsis Mom,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I can’t stop thinking about your family, & the terrible pain you have suffered. I just want you to know you are in my prayers, & to thank you for having the courage to speak & to educate others about the dangers of the sociopaths & psychopaths among us. You are a very special person.

Thank you all for your kind words, thoughts and prayers—-Kelsi would have graduated from Nursing school about a week ago—-she said she wanted to make a positive impact on someone’s life and she went into nursing to save lives—-I guess through her death she still does this through her story—I just miss her so much

Kelsis mom: Your loss is so profound, and I know nothing I say can begin to heal the pain. But I want to let you know that I also see that Kelsi, in her tragic story, may help to save the lives of people who otherwise would never have listened.

You are also profoundly courageous to step forward and speak in this way. I know that Kelsi was trying to take the best, most loving, most responsible course she knew when she continued to stay with this young man who was so terribly uncontrollable.

I hope for the day when people can recognize those who are disordered or otherwise out of control, and know that they can step away without violating their sacred vows. I hope for the day when people like Jarrett can get help that can make a meaningful difference, long before they are in the lives of a sweet angel like your daughter.

My heart goes out to you.

Kelsis Mom,

My deepest thoughts for your, and your family’s healing. I am so very sorry that you lost Kelsi.

Catherine

Kelsis mom: Are you here hoping for answers as to why Kelsi stayed? Oh, my dear fellow mom, she stayed because she was GOOD. And she didn’t have the information that would have let her know that she could step away, and she would still be the wonderful, caring person that you raised her to be.

I married at 18 and within a month my new husband was pointing a loaded gun at my head. I know why I stayed in the marriage for another six years. I know the conflicted feelings, I know the manipulation. I know why I stayed, and it was all the goodness, the strength, the responsibility, the caretaking that was part of who I am that kept me there long after I should have left. My mother-in-law actually tried very hard to get me to not marry her son. She didn’t have a name for his “oddness,” but she cared for me as a person, and — now that I look back — I see that she did not trust her own son.

My husband was volatile, but his threats were so large, that he didn’t use fists or tear things up. The gun was plenty of coercion to keep me in line. And, I had sworn to love, honor, and cherish — before God — and I took my vows seriously.

Kelsis mom — you did nothing wrong in raising her to be this kind of person. You raised her to be exactly the kind of person we need to help hold society together, to heal the broken souls, and to nurture us through the hard times. Her husband had a twist in his psyche so that he could use her best qualities against her. Who would expect that from a fellow human?

I hear your concern for your younger daughter. My youngest, my daughter, just turned 20, so I’m familiar with that territory as well.

I can say more, but for now I just want to honor you as a loving, caring, wonderful mother who raised a daughter to be the noble person that Kelsi is. You did nothing wrong. Much more of society would have to rally around to see the danger signs and shout them out for Kelsi before someone with Kelsi’s true heart would have been able to step away.

For the sake of your younger daughter, and for the sake of your own heart and for what Kelsi would have wanted — to save lives — I am glad that you are here and that you are asking hard questions because you still want to learn.

I hope for you tonight that you can take a deep breath, and breathe in the comfort and love from all the people who you have touched with your story. As you breath out, breathe away a little of the grief that you carry. Breathe in our love and respect and concern, and breathe out a bit of the pain that is more than you should have to carry.

Your younger daughter still needs you. And you can learn, and help her to be more aware and self-protective — now that you know of dangers that no mother should be expected to imagine.

I will hold you in my prayers.

You should proof-read, Donna. But of course, that’s not the point here–not to proof-read, to check spelling, make sure this isn’t completely biased–is it? The point here is to share your sob stories of how people desolated and violated your being and to warn people of the oh-so-horrible (read slowly for the effect) sociopaths.

Knowing how the human brain focuses on the negatives more than the positives, you have disregarded all the good non-violent sociopaths, I assume?

Well, there you go. There’s your problem, you have been disregarding the fact that not all sociopaths are evil. I’m not saying they’re amazing awesometakular charity workers, but you get the point–some are not evil.

And so I’d also infer that since you’ve disregarded that fact, you have been spreading your bias [bias: a partiality that prevents objective consideration of an issue or situation] of sociopaths throughout this site of your’s.

But hey, I’m a sociopath, what does what I think matter anyway? 😛

Sincerely,
Life.

Goodness me the above post is amazing; A spite filled, arrogant and derogatory note to say that sociopaths are not all bad? hmmm. What an interesting reminder ( if anyone needs one) of the nasty and contradictory mind-set of the sociopath.

But – on a positive note – it blows the theory for the trend for high IQ’s in people with APD.

Dear Kelsi’s Mom,

I totally agree with Rune’s post to you, and I so appreicate your coming forward with your daughter’s story for others to learn from.

My son is a Psychopath and he murdered a young girl. He is in prison, as he should be and I will do my best to keep him in prison by testifying at his every parole hearing begging the parole board to NOT let him out, after I am gone, there is a DVD of my testimony that will be played to the parole board at every parole hearing as long as he lives.

My other son married a psychopath and SHE TRIED TO KILL HIM when he discovered her affair. I thank God that she did (unsuccessfully) try to kill him, because HE WOULD HAVE NEVER LEFT HER OTHERWISE. Part of the reason he would not have left is that he was ASHAMED to admit failure (I had tried to keep him from marrying her on short acquaintence and to get to know her better) Part of it also was that he was committed to his marriage vows, even though he had been very unhappy for most of the 7 or so years because of her abuse.

I’m not sure if you have read the book recommended here on LF, but there is a review of it in the archives of the TRAUMA BOND, which is an extremely good book about why we (humans) tend to bond with the very people who abuse us. I would suggest that you read this book and maybe it will answer some of the questions you have about why she stayed.

As a mother of a murderer and the mother of one who barely escaped with his life from being murdered, my heart goes out to you. I have unfortunately seen both sides of this bad penny. I also have great compassion for the parents of your son-in-law. Words fail me further, I just wish I could put my arms around both you and his mother for your terrible losses. God bless and keep you all.

Blueskies: That individual is not part of this community. I’m sure that’s clear.

Some of us can see through the so-called camouflage. None of us should need to be distracted from our greater work — HEALING from predators.

I was living with a homicidal, violent psychopath for about 14 years. I married him and had children. He often beat me, punctured my ear drums, broke my nose several times, broke my ribs several times and I can’t count the number of black eyes and swollen lips I had.He had done eight years of a 12 year sentence for rape (unbeknowns to me until much later), before I married him. He has murdered since and I have told the different police and detectives on four separate occasions and they have done nothing. I am VERY grateful they have done nothing because I would probably be dead otherwise! I am the only one left alive of all the people who knew. I would never testify in court or I would end up like the other victims (that was why they were killed). I am sure that its because the police have no evidence and they would lose in a court of law, that he has not been imprisoned.
I stayed with him all that time because of two reasons. The first seven years I stayed because i was naive. He beat me and I thought I deserved it. Additionally, the next day (like Kelsi ) I totally believed all his crap. Yes, I did feel BOUND.
The second 7 years were a combination of FEAR and FEELING NOT GOOD ENOUGH ABOUT EVERYTHING and still believing a lot of his stories.
When he finally beat me to a pulp, tried to kill me by strangulation, then chased me threw the bush for miles I finally left. But not that day.
I hid under a bed at a young girls home I knew. He knocked on everyone’s door in the neighborhood and told them I was on LSD and to bring me home if she saw me. I heard him at the door telling her. She promised to bring me home to him if she saw him. Lucky she didn’t or I wouldn’t be alive.
I got the kids and left for good shortly after that. He told me if I tried to get any money or the house or ANYTHING whatsoever that he would back up in ten years time and kill me, when everyone had forgotten about it. I knew he would.

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