A few days ago, Bill Zeller, a 27-year-old graduate student at Princeton University, died. The cause: suicide. The reason: He was tormented due to being repeatedly raped as a child.
Zeller left a 4,000-word suicide note that eloquently explained the effect that the devastation had on his life. There is a link to it in this article:
Princeton student kills self over rape as child, on CBSNews.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
This guy– before he vanished– was like everything I have been waiting for and being 41 and thru hell several times- I know this is to be true about myself.
I just can’t believe it has happened again. I had my eyes wide open.
thank you for responding camom.
eve if he was so many great things- the fact that he has 4 dui’s as a 36 yrs old man is a red flag, right?
Should I be glad this happened so soon into dating than later?
looking FOR anything of which to be positive about this disgusting situation.
I hate myself for this!!! Im soooo angry at myself for letting my guard down.
but most folks let their guard down and are married to the people they dated– so why is it okay for them- but not me?
I think I have the full package of what and Sp or N or woman hater desires– just not the money.
The only thing I feel happy for is that I have a super loving kitty cat.
big deal, right?
Skylar–
I am hanging on to your words right now.
Akita,
((HUGS))
I’m sorry you’re feeling so wounded today.
Three weeks dating ONE guy is a VERY short period of time, first off. You got LUCKY, or as Ox told me, “You dodged a bullet”….I understand that it doesn’t feel that way. It sounds like this experience “re-traumatized” you because truthfully, how can you be in love, IN REALITY within three weeks of knowing someone? I’m 47 now. I FEEL like my life is almost over (someone at sixty would probably want to smack me upside the head with oxy’s fryin pan lol), but I think it’s “normal” to feel that way with PTSD symptoms. I’m glad to hear you’re going to see a therapist. Your wounds will heal, you WILL get better. And your life is FAR from over. You can still have children. Perhaps RIGHT NOW is the BEGINNING of the greatest time in your life and that this man’s passing through it, was a catalyst for purging the pain from your past, healing and preparing the way for a good man to come into your life 🙂 You still have time, Chica.
I know, easier said than done. I feel for you so much. Part of being apart of this blog is that I go into rescue mode **sigh**…I just hope you know that we all support you in the healing process. Keep posting and I can’t wait to hear when the good things start happening for you once you process this pain.
LL
Akita,
I wonder if this might sound familiar or right to you? I wonder if part of the strength of your emotions is not just related to childhood, (as it most certainly is) but that the fear that your biological clock is ticking and that you might never see a good marriage/relationship or have a child in the future? Maybe that’s just PART of the reason you’re hurting over this man or thought he was so great? That deep desire of your heart? Maybe wanting that so badly that anything would do that came along, rather than waiting awhile to see? IN other words, a vulnerability because of that deep desire in your heart? Do you know what I mean?
Just a thought.
LL
I agree LL.
sick thing is–
this was the first man a actually imagined I could have a kid with. And now that is gone. What a tease. And he was the one that brought it all up– not me. He did not know my age– people think I am 32.
Are they telepathic?
I really think there is a lot a lot spirituality to the P’s targeting us– wanting us– to pursue and conquer– and destroy
did Satan come to destroy?
they see we are good–they sense it.
they want to hurt that good person. It makes them feel good. Put that light out.
That is evil.
He was that good!
LL–
You have made me tear up– but in a good way.
I wish we were all at a cozy retreat house in Vermont or somewhere like that and we could hug each other and feel safe.
I just don’t feel safe.
Can anyone relate to this unsafe feeling?
LL– thank you for those words.
I am going to write down now– things that I saw in this guy– before I agreed to a first- second and then third date– that made me wonder/turned me off.
I may never see a baby or bond with one– just as both of my moms- first biological– then adoptive–
chose–
CHOSE –
to never bond with me.
Oxy–
have I dodged a bullet?
If so- why do I feel rejected?
Akita,
He saw a vulnerability or he picked up on it somehow. If you review your conversations early on with him, he probably “sensed” what your dreams were, hopes were. That made him MORE appealing, you see? It didn’t matter to HIM how old you were, what mattered is that he honed in on a VULNERABILITY….once you process your pain from childhood a little bit, as well as this desire to have a family, you will probably be willing to WAIT for the RIGHT man to come along.
Akita, he was merely a catalyst for healing. That’s all. He saw your vulnerability. That’s what they do. That was NOT your fault…but now is time to address you and this desire and that next time (and GOD BLESS YOU THAT YOU GOT OUT NOW RATHER THAN A MINUTE MORE), you are WILLING to wait, that you are healing and that you’re worth MORE than some lying jerk who comes along and hones in on your vulnerabilities, Chica.
You’re gonna be just fine, Akita. And a new person with all of this and when the time comes, the RIGHT man comes, you’re willing to WAIT, you are gonna be the happiest chica around!!!
LL
Akita, review what you’ve said here.
What do you see? The DEEPEST DESIRE OF YOUR HEART….as well as your past traumas mingling in.
Do you see it? Look and reread. Think on it some.
What does a good dad look like to your future child? How do you envision your marriage/relationship to look like to give to that child? Write it down. THen wait.
You can have those things akita. You are NOT your parents NOT NOT NOT!
LL