A few days ago, Bill Zeller, a 27-year-old graduate student at Princeton University, died. The cause: suicide. The reason: He was tormented due to being repeatedly raped as a child.
Zeller left a 4,000-word suicide note that eloquently explained the effect that the devastation had on his life. There is a link to it in this article:
Princeton student kills self over rape as child, on CBSNews.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
Akita
I assure you, you dodged a bullet and you gained a blessing. You just don’t see it yet. It’s coming, just HOLD ON!
LL
I’m holding on.
but I just turned 41 and I am still fertile.
You know– he took me to meet him family on xmas and I was loving on and playing with the babies ALL NIGHT LONG. That must have been like an audition to him. He saw how I was loving these tiny babies and a little boy whom I had just met. 🙁
I’m holding on to yalls’ words.
thank you LL
Dear Akintameg,
It’s not over for you, not at all. I know you had a great deal of trauma as a child, abondoned many times over, but you don’t have to let it define you forever. This man wasn’t right for you at this time. He wasn’t a healthy partner and you deserve someone who can be there for you fully.
Until the time comes that someone else is in your life, you need to work on you. Being by yourself with your kitty. It’s so hard to be alone but learning to love you is the first step in getting out of the rut of being with a man who can’t love you back.
It’s going to be harder for you, no doubt. You’re one of us and that means you have been damaged, but you can do it girl! You are beautiful on the inside and just need to believe it. I just turned 44 on Thursday and I say “bring it on!” We have been through hell, now is the time to pick up the pieces and prove the abusers wrong. We are worth it, you are worth it.
If you want a child, you also could find a way to have one without a partner. Just a thought.
Hang in there Akitameg! We have all felt dispair, it will get better.
thanks hopeforjoy—
Akita
I know your despair. I truly do.
It hurts like a bitch, it does.
I’m where you are, in so many ways……….
Just try as hard as you can to hope for the best……..
LL
Meg,
I was watching Joel Osteen and he said, “God does not set you back, he sets you up.” Look, I’m not bible thumper, but I HAVE discovered that this is about moving us to a place of faith where we have eternal strength. You have to let go and let God. (No I’m not a recovering alcoholic).
You have endured such terrible trauma. I want to come over there and hug you. Kittens can take you away from pain for some moments. Enjoy her/him. But know that if you can be away from the pain for a moment, you can grow that moment into a minute and that minute into ten and so on.
You come to see that it’s ALL in your head. He is not torturing you anywhere near as much as you are torturing yourself. He may have supplied the power, but you are operating the machine. You can shut that torture machine down.
Again, know that I am not born again. I don’t even own a bible, but I can tell you this. Get down on your knees, hold your hands open up to the sky with arms wide apart and say, “God, this is too much for me. This is bigger than me and I can’t handle it. I need to pass this over to you and I need to trust that YOU will keep me safe in your love.
Then do all you can do each day to be your best and let God help you. What you can’t do, God will do.
Joel Osteen also talked about how, “It didn’t happen TO you, it happened FOR you.” Accept what is and just have FAITH that there IS A better plan for you. But you HAVE to really feel this. If you don’t FEEL it (not just say, or wish), then it won’t come.
Peace Dear Sister
akita,
Stillhavemysoul has said everything right.
I don’t watch Joel Osteen or any other Christian evangilist.
But the words are true. You don’t get what you want, you get what you need. That’s from the rolling stones.
take the lessons and LEARN from them!!!!!
There are things you have to understand and it will take time.
I know you are in a hurry, but forget about that if you really want to move quickly. Have no fear of pain. If you weren’t meant to learn these lessons, this wouldn’t have happened to you.
It’s not about how beautiful you are, on the outside.
Look, I had an interesting experience when I left my exP after 25 years. I was 43. I went to live with my P-parents and my P-brother was living in their basement. He is 1 year older than I am. He is allowed to live in a storage room with no window and has been there for years – no job, alcoholic, doesn’t help out around the house – a parasite. My parents gave me the nice bedroom next to a bath, view of the city and a garden I brought 3 computers and 5 cats. the P-brother was so envious that he attacked me when I was ready for bed and under a sleeping pill plus alcohol influence. He called the police, told them I attacked him, then scratched his stomach for proof. I went to jail for 2 days for domestic violence. It WAS HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE! I made a scene so that I would be put in the hole, isolation, apart from the other inmates.
Here’s the interesting part. The other girls in the jail were BEAUTIFUL looking. yeah, believe it or not these women were kinda crazy but hey could have won beauty contests!!!
I noticed it right away. wow, what are the odds?
The odds are that when you are beautiful you will be targetted by a spath or several spaths or forever targetted by spaths. Yes! how many of us here can say, “I’m 45 but people think I’m 35?” LOTS OF US! ME TOO. who the fuck cares? the spaths care.
Akita, your strengths are always going to be your weaknesses. What makes you shiny and bright also attracts the spaths. We must hide it or we must be aware that they will see our light and envy it. They don’t admire it, they envy it. What to do? not sure. many people here will argue with me but I believe that 30% of humanity is envious and evil. You must know how to judge those and get away from them.
My avatar name: skylar, means protection through knowledge. Akita, its ALL we have. KNOWLEDGE. THAT’S been the missing link. You think that all of your suffering has been about your love life but that is not true. I’m here, on LF because I realized that the spaths are controlling EVERYTHING. our government and corportations and media.
We have to see the PATTERNS of their control. I finally realized that my parents were the root of my problems, the social constructs were the continuation of that and the spath was just a natural consequence of the world I live in.
It’s bigger than just your broken heart, Akita. It is a lesson you have to learn.
I hope this makes sense to you. It is a salvation to rise above the narcissistic injury that your parents caused you and see that it’s a world wide problem.
Still have my soul
I am just getting your post now. Thank you soo very much. I will be rereading it for sure.
I just do’t understand how it FELT SO RIGHT with this man. I am 41 and have never experienced that. I have never wanted to have a kid– but all I felt connected to the universe- and love with this guy– and totally imagined having a child (after his suggestion.). It was like I was experiencing life/love for the first time. Everything finally made sense. It is impossible to explain.
Skylar~
Thank you so much.
Unfortunately– since moving to DC two yrs ago- and with this last experience and what I have experienced just working with people in VA– I believe that the percentage of evil humanity is possibly 60% or higher. This is from experience being a loving person with light. Attracting the moths to my flame and being shocked by each and everyone.
I used to think everyone was good– and that is how this all started. I trusted and never suspected evil or deceit b/c I did not know it really existed. I thought other people answered to God as had most folks in my Catholic upbringing. Integrity.
Now– even with knowledge and armour– evil flyies in front of my face.
Everything you wrote Sky– makes perfect sense.
You have been thru hell and I really appreciate your reaching out to me.
How do I make this anxiety of “rejection” go away?
And I do not even think I was rejected. I think I licked a bad lemon and got out in time.
I am going to my shrink in 30 mins. I have to. I have lost weight this week — from diarrhea and no appetite. My stomach is in knots and I am irritated- angry, anxious–
and have to go back to work tomorrow and be civil. Manage people without yelling and crying which is what I want to do.
How does it not feel like rejection when ONE WEEK AGO he was talking about coming back to VA this week and sitting down with me- and talking about stuff– trying on a relationship– etc.
and I have not heard from in since Tues.
That is rejection.
thank god he had this “business trip” so early on in our dating however.
Can you imagine if I’d still been in the early stages of courting with him– not knowing he was someone capable of leavingthe state and forgetting about me within days????? Get it? He did this after only two weeks of dating?
I should be happy.
But I feel another hope shattered.
stuck my head out of the sand after two yrs of healing– moving to another state, getting a job, friends, life. Getting over PTSD from another P, s and N.
stuck that head out–
and boom–
another Mac truck went right over me. and now I have these wounds to bandage. ouch
Not on pity pot. Just venting.
And appreciating you all.
God my stomach hurts. Constant butterflies– but not the good ones.
guess they are moths.
I gotta get singing again– and rid myself of this agony.