A few days ago, Bill Zeller, a 27-year-old graduate student at Princeton University, died. The cause: suicide. The reason: He was tormented due to being repeatedly raped as a child.
Zeller left a 4,000-word suicide note that eloquently explained the effect that the devastation had on his life. There is a link to it in this article:
Princeton student kills self over rape as child, on CBSNews.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
Let me add: My first husband, (the bio father of my two daughters) is very, very sick, in hospital for congestive heart failure, and they don’t think he’ll pull out of it. He has been alcoholic since I met him, at age 16. I rarely think of him at all, but this illness is triggering me and my confusion. It has caused me to reminice, and realize how disordered HE WAS and is.
He is not the one I post about here, the later two are, but here I am, now dealing with issues that are 35 years old, ones I thought I put behind me long ago.
He had dreams of being in law enforcement, went to Community College for Criminal Justice degree…got a job in security, as a store detective and started extorting people, (is that the right word?) He would tell the parents of young shop-lifters, that for a price, he could make the arrest and charges disappear. In another job, he worked as a ware-houseman, and stole a brand new color TV.
When I left him, he starved my dog. Any care he gave to our two daughters, he called “baby-sitting”.
He threatened me with a loaded gun.
I was stuck, for the last three days, thinking about him, and also my second husbands antics that almost killed me.
Second hub was career Navy. He love bombed me, got me to leave my home and family, move to another state, and almost immediatly started making me feel like I was nothing more thatn a burden and a pain in his ass.
He had an affair with a 17 year old recruit, literally under my nose. We were both at an awards ceremony held for Navy recruiters, in seperate rooms.
I found a note under the wind sheild wiper of his business car that asked, “who gives better head, the wife or the girl-friend?’ I found a letter from the girl-friend that asked if he would still respect her after a planned get-away, and she wanted to assure him that she had “only been with three married men”.
And then 7 years with last spath, who did nothing but target me for sex and a free ride, with roof over his head, so he didn’t have to work for a living. We broke up almost 3 1/2 years ago, and I have no doubt he continues to do the same with his next victims. It’s a way of life.
I don’t know exactly why this stuff is on my mind to this extent. I thought I was furthar down the road than this.
Hi Kim!xx I have been llurking today after not visiting for a while, saw your post and have to give your hand a virtual squeeze.x I too have had a bit of a down patch and my advice would be accept it for what it is (a period of depression that you will come out of )and look after yourself. This may include getting down to your GP’s and letting them know how you feel (you might be able to get something to sleep if you dont mind doing that – sleeping is not the same as lying there thinking your life is a mess like I’ve done for three days straight- it’s exhausting!) The pain of abuse does last a lifetime, just like breavement, but at some point we will find a way to live better with it. go with it for now… but give yourself a little ‘shake up day’ (shake things up as EB would say!)so: maybe a little more wallow untill your all wallowed out , then proper rest, followed by a big long walk or swim shake up day? Just a suggestion. x Take care Kim.
Thank-you, Blueskies. Haven’t seen much of you, lately. I appreciate your response. It does seem that excercise helps. Just a long walk in nature. The weather is supposed to improve here, so I will get out, soon.
I’m sorry you’ve had a few rough days as well.
Well, tomorrow is another day. xx
It is. and I think it is good and important to process stuff as it comes up,and who knows when that will be, but I personally have to watch for where I start to continue to dismantle myself from where the abusers in my life left off.xx
Dear Kim,
The past does not define you! you are not about the “mistakes and losses”…..you did the best you could do with the information you had at that time!
Your future is not as bleak as you may feel right now….you have much to look forward to with the new found knowldege and self empowerment you’ve gained from your experiences. Feel the power…your power! and know that the universe will bring you peace, acceptance and contentment when you allow it to.
I’m sorry you’ve been feeling sick and depressed. You are entittled to feel blue and hopeless from time to time, accept it, aknowledge it and let it pass. Know that there is always a light at the other end of the tunnel. This too shall pass!
(((hugs))) to you!
Kim
Your ex sounds pretty disordered. Most people in law enforcement are. It’s a power/control issue.
I know what you mean about being depressed. Me too. Maybe it comes from that horrible sense of doom that I have since finding out that most human beings aren’t all that good. My parents are what I would have held up as the paragon of goodness. They lifted themselves up from utter destitute poverty-the no shoes or running water type. They sent us to private schools, they worked hard and never lived on debt, paid off their mortgages for each home. They own a beauiful home with a city view and paid off rental property. All this with only a grade school education.
And every one who knows them thinks they are good, lovable people. It’s why I feel like I can never trust again. I realize that they are your AVERAGE person
Obsessed with possessions and only mouthing the words of Christian beliefs. They never said I love you to me. They don’t even know what that means. Every thing is about what they want. They are shallow and they don’t even know it.
Knowing that WE are different is hard.
We are the creative ones, Kim. We have something in us that they want, they envy, and they try to emulate.
Kim you have a talent for writing and you understand the power of literature to awaken the subconcious. Perhaps you need to indulge your talents, and that is what your depression is trying to tell you.
back to Akitameg,
You may feel better when you understand that he played you all along, nothing he said was true, only a ploy designed to cultivate your love and trust.
Your feelings were real. His never were. They were designed only to manipulate. You now have this knowledge, and that will be enough, in time.
Hang in there – I wish I was still 41!
Aeylah and Skylar, I don’t know how I missed your responses til now, but I did. Thanks so much. It feels good to have support.
I agree with you about law enforcement, Skylar. I’m sure they aren’t all bad, but I get one whiff of the law enforcement gig, and I get away.
Thank you for saying I have talent, Sky. I haven’t written in a long time, but I have been thinking of starting a journal, and finding out what happens.
Considering what you’ve said about your relationship with your parents….I have a short story for you to read, if you feel like it. It’s by Flannery O’Connor. Have you ever heard of her? Anyway It’s accessable on line and only takes a few minutes to read. It’s entitled, “Good Country People”, and I’d love to have a discussion with you about it. Most eople see the obvious evil in the story, but miss the subtle stuff. I think we’ll have a lot to talk about.
I’m about to go home for the night, so won’t have access to computer, but will be back early AM, so will answer any posts then.
Again, thanks for the encouragement. I’m feeling better today.
I had a nice dream last night, I will post about tomorrow, when I have more time…you can help me interpret, if you want.
Have a great and peacefull evening.
Oh, and Sky, I identify with the Joy/Hullga charactor in the story…even though she’s angry and rebellious…most people see her as rude and arrogant, which she is, but what do you suppose caused her to be that way?
Some of the evil is underground and covert, as you will see.
Anyway, I hope you will enjoy the read.
Dearest kimmie,
Im glad you are feeling a bit brighter today! There is a helluva lot of crap to process and work thru after living with these monsters.Just take it one day at a time. Have you tried the psychic cord cutting? I found it to be very helpful and freeing.
Maybe you can find a New Age type group near you whom you can trust. You reaaly need someone else to help you process all this stuff, and help to uncover all the layers of dysfunction. Ive just sent to Amazon fora book called.”Will I ever be good enough?” for daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.{which mine was.}keep your chin up, your doing great!!
Lotsa love,
Mama gem.XXRemember, NONE OF THIS WAS YOUR FAULT!!