A few days ago, Bill Zeller, a 27-year-old graduate student at Princeton University, died. The cause: suicide. The reason: He was tormented due to being repeatedly raped as a child.
Zeller left a 4,000-word suicide note that eloquently explained the effect that the devastation had on his life. There is a link to it in this article:
Princeton student kills self over rape as child, on CBSNews.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
tobe
I so agree with that!!! I was only attracted to men who were abusive to me and then the ones that weren’t, I was abusive to THEM. I got out of those relationships too, even though they were VERY brief, because nice guys BORED me! I know how to respond to abuse. I do not know how to respond to a healthy relationship with a man. I know how to do this in a friendship, but NOT in a romantic relationship. Food for thought. The differences I think in my being abusive to nice guys who were attracted to me, was that I KNEW i was not healthy for THEM and had enough empathy to see that I was mess to GET OUT. I didn’t WANT to hurt those guys. REALLY good guys! This is a HUGE revelation for me tobe and I’m so happy you brought this up! This, I think, is the difference between spaths and those of us who have been wounded in abusive childhoods. They ENJOY hurting others. WE do not. That’s about as far as I can go in trying to understanding spathy behaviors, just as you explained. I can SEE how that operates, given my behaviors towards GREAT GUYS that wanted a relationship with me. But parting ways in not wanting to hurt. Knowing that something wasn’t right.
Boy it sure is going to take a long time to unwind this ball of yarn. UGH!
LL
Denise,
that was me whom you quoted. I was quoting Bill and responding to someone here who asked why more people weren’t kind to him. In Bill’s letter, he explains how much worse he felt when in a relationship.
Love just got translated to evil for him. It’s a long letter but worth reading.
LL,
you are getting there. the drama addiction is part of it and it’s what we have in common with spaths. But we aren’t intent on hurting people like they are.
LL, I just emailed you. Read it.
Ok…to help you unwind the ball of yarn, …simple.
When YOU are healthy, when YOU work through YOUR abuse issues with a professional, and YOU totally LOVE YOU….then, and ONLY THEN, will you be attracted to good guys.
I was the same..a socio magnet. I was only attracted to abuse. WHY? I learned that abuse=love..I was PROGRAMMED in childhood. So, we attract what we ARE.
Normal healthy women, (some of my friends) who KNOW who they are and LOVE themselves ….would NEVER put up with a sneaky conartist that only takes and gives nothing.
THIS is why the LAW OF ATTRACTION is true.
Whenever I met a socio…I was always lonely, desparate, feeling unworthy, DEEP DOWN> Yes, I was a drop dead gorgeous woman, with a tenured teaching job, independent, had money, career, new car, nice clothes..etc.
And yet, I was attracted to a conartist and bought his line of sh*t. WHY?? DEEP DEEP down, this successful STRONG , INDEPENDENT woman (on the outside) …felt UNWORTHY…had little confidence and had BAD PROGRAMMING from childhood that imprinted in my brain…
“You don’t deserve a good man…you deserve abuse…because you aren’t worthy.”
So…the solution is simple. Change YOURSELF…change your life. I am STILL working on this. I want to feel GREAT about myself before I meet the next one….who will be healthy and normal…once “I” get there.
Get it?
Recently I have been having flashbacks of my childhood resurface. i have been speaking to my counselor about these flashbacks and we have both revealed that my father raped me as a child. I have no idea how to handle this piece of information. I feel angry and hurt. I have been in the worst mood ever since the flashback. The funny thing is my mom knew the whole time and tried to cover this event up. I remember running to her when I was about nine years old telling her that I was bleeding down below and it itched. She said oh its your period, don’t tell anybody. just here a pantyliner. I can’t believe this! it wasn’t my period at all! i had my first period when I was 11 years old. I’m ready to finally become financially independent of the both of them but my dad is required by law to pay for college. I don’t think he is but thats what my parents say. i want out! I deserve better!
hurtnomore,
are you sure? do you remember the rape itself?
Did he ever do it again? Was there other inappropriate touching or molestation? Abusers don’t just do it once, there is usually a pattern.
I only ask these things because sometimes false memories come up in therapy.
I’m getting ready to start with therapy myself, next week, because of parental abuse that I only realized had happened after the spath attack. Lots of things finally made sense, but I don’t remember sexual abuse happening. Just emotional neglect mostly.
hurtnomore, your dad is not a good person, with or without this memory, and your mom has never sounded a lot better to me. these people are toxic. You do deserve better, that has been very clear since your very first post.
i want to share with you that i have some odd dreams and memories from my childhood, disjointed and ominous memories and dreams – things that caused me great fear when i was young. I spent a few years trying to make sense of them, piece them together. I finally got tired of digging around questioning this and that about different people, so i set it down, knowing that i could understand in time. and that until i fully underatnd those memories and questions, I can do nothing with them.
years later a relative grabbed at me, and when i revealed it to my family many years after the fact all hell broke loose. My father is still trying to punish me for the n wound he ‘suffered’ through that revelation- 25 years ago.
You need to know these things, before i say my next bit: tread carefully with this information. explore it further before you do anything to communicate it to your family members, ANY of them. Explore it, talk about it and protect yourself the best you can. Tread softly, it’s a very vulnerable time, and you need to give yourself some time before your expose this info. in any way.
Dear skylar,
I’m 100% sure of this. I believe it happened until I was about 11 years old. By then I was at boarding school so he couldn’t do anything.
Dear joy/one_step- A lot of my memories have come up and I’m beginning to piece things together. Its just so upsetting and appalling at the same time. I’m far from telling my parents what they did to me. I just want room to breathe. But I have concluded that the best thing is to be financially independent from my parents. i just don’t know if my dad legally has to pay or not.
hurtnomore – i thought you were in the US. I don’t know of any law compelling them to pay for your education. Is there something in your parent’s divorce agreement?
hurtnomore,
I’m sorry you had those experiences when you were young. You probably realize that the parents use money to control you. That’s what mine try to do and I’m 45 years old. If they hadn’t sabotaged my psyche, I would be financially stable today and their methods of control would be less than they are. As it is, I only take money that I earn by taking care of their bookkeeping, but I haven’t done that for several months either. The point is, never having to say “thank you”. It’s what they want, gratitude. It’s a spath trait, they never do anything for you without expecting your undying gratitude.
I’m sorry I can’t remember your story, but I assume you are young. The problem with college tuition is that if you are a dependant on your parents’ tax return, you won’t be eligible for the grants that an independant person would be. So you might have to move out and wait a year before college in order to qualify. That’s a year wasted.
I know that the rule for spaths is NC. and I know you are angry, but college is going to give you some of what they took from you, back. You deserve it. I’m 45 and just beginning to realize how much my upbringing crippled me. It has crippled my choices and my ability to earn a living. Everything I have, financially, has been through God’s incredible miracles. Financial windfalls that I did not earn, didn’t even gamble for. Pure accidents (literally, insurance settlements) have kept me alive, not choices.
I’m not qualified to give you advice because I’m just in the same boat as you are – finding out that I was abused. All I’m sharing with you is my 45 year history and I hope it helps.
Quest,
I can see you posted to me but my browser won’t load that thread because it’s too big! So I can’t see very much of it.
Eva,
I have a favor to ask of you. can I get your email address?
It’s because you speak spanish I would like your opinion on something privately.