Sara Strudwick, author of Dark Souls, lays out a step-by-step plan for learning about psychopaths. Read:
How to get a degree in psychology and psychopaths (the hard way!), on Darksouls-TheBook.com.
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How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists
I think this book was one of the most inspiring books, along with Donna’s books, that I have ever read, and which helped me on my healing journey. Someone gave it to me as a gift and the moment I got it, I began reading it and I couldn’t seem to put it down because it explained a whole different perspective to me. It, along with Donna, helped to sort of grab ahold of my feet and planted them hard on the ground over all this.
I suspect I would still be trapped in that dark hole, searching for explanation, being victim to guilt and manipulations, if I hadn’t of found an explanation for the ugliness I had been seeing and experiencing for such a very long time. Truth of the matter is: I have been stalked for the past ten years by a psychopathic stalker. That is a really hard truth to digest when you look back and can SEE the depth and degree of manipulation. That is very scarey to me. That degree of evilness I have seen.
I would highly recommend this book, as well as Donna’s books.
They are like a ‘main stay’ on this healing journey.
Dupey
StillReeling, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re in the pits, right now. Have you engaged in counseling therapy? Are you confident and comfortable with your counselor?
Feelings of guilt can be overwhelming, StillReeling – they can, and I felt extreme guilt for attacking the exspath when I discovered the truths about his vile sexual activities with others. Yes, what I did was wrong. No, I cannot carry guilt on my shoulders about that event for the rest of my life. I learned this in counseling, and it would have been the only venue for me to learn something that valuable to my recovery. This site provides education, information, support, encouragement, and lively discussion, but it cannot be substituted for good, strong counseling.
Brightest comforting blessings to you
Hi Stillreeling,
bloody guilt, what a waste. And Mother’s guilt is even worse than just “normal” guilt. You are an empathic person. You care. You give. I totally agree with Dupey……know your value and your worth.
Don’t feel you can’t post because you aren’t supporting or giving to others. I’m certain that I wouldn’t want you to stay away because you feel down and therefore unable to support others!
You have helped me so many times and indeed, your most recent post helps me to see my inadequacies.
keep fighting the good fight my friend. You have so much to offer. you’re funny and warm and kind and …..fallible! Just like the rest of us.
Keep your chin up. Breathe, one step at a time.
Sending you a big, warm hug from the UK.
Stillreeling?
How about Still Standing?
Still reeling,
Hon, I am hearing heavy duty clinical depression and anxiety, and I strongly suggest that you see a psychiatrist about some medication. I know you say you have tried therapists etc. but don’t give up on finding some professional help. (((hugs))))
Counseling is a wonderful suggestion!
Absolutely.
I have been in counseling for the past four years and without it, without a person counseling me ‘who gets it’, I would be feeling so much more lost than I have been with all of this. I had not a clue as to what this ‘enigma’ was.
I just 3 months ago learned that there was hope for me and my major depression. I started taking lexapro and I wish I had of had this 20 years ago because I would not have had to live with such a major depression my entire life. I used to be a ‘non medication’ kind of person but so far so good. My system has accepted it and it has made a world of difference in my mood and life.
I will pray that you will seek some counseling too, still reeling. Don’t let the depression eat you up. Hear me?
You have to fight it back sometimes. I know. But the less attention you give the hurts, the more they dull and someday, sooner or later, they just go away.
Hang in there.
You aren’t alone.
You just aren’t.
Dupey
Dupey, I am glad that you are being treated for your depression. It amazes me that so many people who would NEVER think of saying “Oh, I can’t take medication for my pneumonia, I’ll just be strong and it will heal itself” are the very ones who will say “oh, I will never take medication for my major depression, I’ll just be strong and it will heal itself.”
Major Depression is a problem just like pneumonia that can be treated with medication….and it isn’t a “shame” or a “weakness” to take medication for your depression any more than it is for pneumonia.
While counseling helps you learn more effective ways to cope with making decisions and setting boundaries, etc. it is not a treatment for major depression. Counseling may help you learn ways to cope with some of the problems created by the depression, but it won’t “cure” the depression, per se.
Medication alone for the depression , however, won’t over come the effects of a life time of bad decisions, so in most cases I think that a combination of medication AND counseling is more likely to help someone who has major depression and/or anxiety issues. I’m glad that you have taken both of these steps, Dupey, and that they are helping you.
It is natural to be “depressed” or sad when someone you love dies, or when there is a major emotional loss, but if this depression isn’t improved in a reasonable period of time, or severely effects your entire life, then it is time to get some professional help.
I’ve been on both sides of the clip board and though I know it is difficult to admit that you need help, sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and reach out. I’m glad you did, Dupey, and glad you are feeling better.
Oxy,
while I was with the spath I tried so many SSRI’s. none of them helped. maybe they are helpful after you kick the spath to the curb, but not before.
suffering serves a purpose. it’s a sign that’s something is wrong. I wish I hadn’t thought that I was strong enough for so long. but otoh, how was I gonna learn about spaths? only when the mask comes off can we SEE (caps for emphasis) what is really happening.
OxD, I’m have no medical training, whatsoever, with the exception of what pertains to me, personally.
During the last 2 years of the first marriage, I was suffering from extreme depression. I wasn’t suicidal, per se, but I sure wished to not wake up on a daily basis. I would have cycles of highs and extreme lows, and I actually believed that I might have been BiPolar, but I was never diagnosed as such, though the “symptoms” of BiPolar Disorder were present, these symptoms coincided with the cyclical dynamics of the domestic violence and abuse. I was finally prescribed Paxil – put on 65 lb., and got my emotions on an “even keel,” so to speak. BUT, the Paxil did not alter the dynamics of the abuse, and that’s when I realized that it was the situation, not me, that was the problem. Yeah, I had “issues,” you bet I did! But, my reaction to the abuse was to fall into deep, deep depression. Once I exited that marriage, I never took another anti-depressant, since.
If no medications are required for severe depression, counseling therapy is, at the very least, an imperative, in my most humble opinion. For me, it was impossible to sort out my experiences, feelings, and reactions during this second mess. My counselor was able to put a name on what I was experiencing, give me reasons that I was so vulnerable, and provide me with priceless tools to begin the healing process. Medication can put us on an even emotional keel, but it cannot provide educated feedback or emotional assistance when situations are beyond my ability to manage.
I feel, again with no medical training, that medication should ONLY be prescribed in conjunction with counseling therapy, except in cases of extreme crisis – suicide attempts, etc.
Skylar, I’m in agreement that the “suffering” is part of learning. If everything’s just fine and dandy, then we’re just moving along and not in need of education. But, when we are in the pits of despair, we tend to do some serious “work” on ourselves, particularly when we’re provided with objective and insightful counseling from someone who “gets it.”
It’s absolutely true that, before the mask shattered, I was in the false belief that all was well – that my spouse maintained love and concern for me and my well-being. So, what was the purpose in learning anything further? That state of false contentment was actually DENIAL (caps used for EMPHASIS, only), and not contentment, whatsoever.
Here’s to another day of healing….brightest blessings
Edit: OxD, I just re-read your post and saw that you used, “per se,” too! I used it, above, and it wasn’t intended to mock. LOL!!!!! Great minds think alike? 🙂
Ox: Thanks for your wishes.
My depression wasn’t so much a lifetime of bad decisions on my behalf, but growing up in a very dysfunctional environment and then moving on to a lifetime of public service. It’s how we CHOOSE to react to these things that is the important part of all this.
We all like to think that we are strong enough to endure the traumas we have in our lives and/or witnessed. So, we bury them away and move on irregardless of the damage and hurt they cause. Because THAT is how you do things; right? You just pick up and move on, however, the traumas in our lives continue to stay with us even though we may not choose to recognize them. They affect us and our lives and any future decisions we might make. They affect our lives and how we live them.
I have spent a lifetime in public service and I have seen LOTS of ugly and horrible things. Things that I have just buried away and that depression has been with me my whole entire lifetime. From that 3 year old little girl being sexually abused, all the way up until I CHOSE to make my life something different. After spath and before spath. I was making adultlike, major decisions, at the age of 8 years old. There was no time nor room for me to just be a child.
The spath experience I have had and still do continue to have, somewhat, with the continued stalking…that spath experience almost pushed me off the cliff. NOBODY would EVER understand what that was like. Not all spaths are created equal and I think my x ppath got just a little extra dose of ugliness.
Everytime I hear a news report, in passing, about someone going off and killing a bunch of people, guess who comes to mind FIRST? Hm? Or how about having to go outside? I hardly ever leave myself as a sitting duck. I have been threatened so many times and so often. I did not CHOOSE that.
BAD CHOICES are one thing but being thrown in the mix is an entirely different one. I did not at the age of 3 years old CHOOSE to be sexually assaulted by an older cousin. I did not CHOOSE to have a heroin addicted mother who always put my life in danger. Sometimes we have NO CONTROL over what happens to our lives. Sometimes we can’t avoid the traumas.
Yes, at first, I CHOSE to have “IT” in my life, but only after his careful manipulation and gaslighting. When I found out what was going on, it was also MY CHOICE to throw it in the garbage where it belongs. After five years of non stop insanity, I broke free. (MY CHOICE) caps used for emphasis.
Yes, finally giving in and choosing to take medication has enriched my life completely. Totally. And, I am still in counseling. Both of them together are helping me more than I can ever say. It is also helping me with some of my PTSD symptoms.
If I hadn’t of reached out and gotten help at this point in my life, I am almost sure I would be dead by now, Ox.
That is how terrible it was. Spath honed in on all of my weaknesses and sore spots and played them to the hilt.
After a lifetime of suffering, I finally have something that helps me. Why would a person NOT reach out when they need it? To me, that’s almost as insane as the spath itself.
Thanks again Ox.
Have a good day.
Dupey
Dupey, I am so encouraged by your strong, INCREDIBLY strong, personal healing (CAPS as emphasis, only). I remember, a few months back, reaching out through this computer screen and desperately trying to reach your hand, and you reaching your hand back. You have come a long, long way, dear one.
A person might not choose to reach out, Dupey, because of the pervasive stigmatism of not being able to do it all, alone. I know, for a certain, absolute fact, that I would not have “made it” this far, had it not been for the strong, wise, and inspirational support that I found on this site, and in my sessions with my counselor.
Today, I’m not in the obituaries. I’m still upright. I’m still breathing, feeling, and thinking. I may be experiencing a bunch of tripe that goes along with my immediate situation, but that will soon be at an end. YOUR story, OxD’s story, Donna’s story, Darwinsmom’s story, G1S’s story, Tami’s story………each and every contributing reader on this site has been instrumental in my healing process. And, my counselor has been brilliant.
There are, indeed, many things which we have no control over. The first one is the choices and actions of others. The rest follows. But, we DO have choices and options over our own actions and decisions.
Brightest and most sincere blessings, Dupey…..you are precious in this vast Universe