When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
- If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
- If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
- If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
- Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
- A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”
Giving in
What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
BEEN there, DONE that. MORE times than I can count. I was so hurt this weekend, I couldn’t help but send out an email telling him so…….as if he gives a damn…… Ugh. Day one and counting. Sigh.
Callista,
I am so sorry you are hurting too! The email you sent to him–sometimes we just want so badly for them to get it about how they’ve hurt us, and they “can’t” get it. So you are so right about NC, as difficult as it may be sometimes. I’ll have to go back and read older posts as I’m not sure of your particular story. I hadn’t been on LF that much lately only because I felt so strong and needed a break from thinking about my situation. I truly felt ready to move on for the first time in a while. Go figure! Anyway, I can go look at some of your older posts to put some of it together.
Your responses to me last night meant more than you know. I was so emotionally drained from sobbing that I had to go to bed, and it was after midnight here in New England. Your words resonate so completely with me, and like OXY wrote, I know that all of you here know how I feel. And thanks for sending that link. I had read it just days before and was feeling so strong since I could see him in that post. There is another post by Dr. Leedom where she just breaks it down by saying that you don’t have to get a clinician’s assertion that you’ve been with a sociopath, and went on to say something to the affect that if you’ve been astonished by someone’s propensity to lie and skew reality–you’ve been with a sociopath. And Callista, that’s all I needed to hear. His lying was so unbelievable. When we broke up for the 2nd and final time, he got involved instantly with someone else–and where he didn’t introduce me to friends and I was basically an outsider in his life, this new girl he took home to meet his mother for the holidays in the midwest and they were involved with each other’s friends. So, last night he said that months back she dumped him because of the email I had sent her about what happened with us–and watch out. So when he said that he really wants me to be happy, and then he said that he wasn’t happy because he had lost his girlfriend. I was so crushed, Callista, because he openly acknowledges that he used me for sex. Of course, I didn’t know it at the time. Keep in mind that he is almost 40 years old. I’ve also gotten plenty of other feedback from the women he was cheating with or trying to cheat with, as well as a long time male friend, who when made aware that my X had been trying to cheat on me with a female friend of his, he distance himself completely from my X, and wrote me a note saying that this whole time my X had been telling him I was a stalker!!! He also said that as long as he had known him, he had always been a shameless womanizer. Anyway, it just crushes me that I didn’t mean a thing, but it seems like some other women do. And what was he thinking when he really wanted to tell me that “funny”story last night, and it was a story a date had told him?? WTH? Halfway through, it dawned on me and I asked him and he said, “well, yeah, but it’s about the story.” And then he said there was one more funny thing about the story and I yelled that I was not going to listen. He said that he was going to tell me anyway, so I hung up. Really??? Right before that, he was telling me how much “work” he needs to do and that’s why he’s seeing his therapist 3x weekly. I feel like a horrible person for not wanting him to get better, because he was so damaged with me. And you are right, the stuff that gets me is when we can see the beautiful parts of them—that coupled with his acknowledging that he needs helps–really has messed me up badly, when I was finally feeling past it. I’ve heard him say he needs help before and he knows exactly what he needs to say, but when he saw me 3 months ago, he showed me his appointment cards, and I remember it was the name of a therapist he had seen 10 years ago.
I was recently introduced to tapping therapy. Think I’m gonna give it a try this morning.
Peace to you as well, Callista.
Hopeful6596~
Dear Callista and Hopeful,
I am SOOO glad that Donna did this article….the HOWs and WHYs of NC from DeBecker’s GREAT BOOK are so important!!!
It is like the “intermittent rewards” for animal training (also how a slot machine rewards us intermittently) and it makes it MUCH MORE INGRAINED TO KEEP REPEATING THAT BEHAVIOR UNTIL YOU GET ANOTHER REWARD.
I use it all the time in animal training and it WORKS!!! Then of course they get to he point that you don’t even have to reward them at all, they will just keep on repeating the behavior forever. Like house breaking a dog or saddle breaking a horse.
Sure it crushes you that you “didnt’ mean a thing” but it is IMPORTANT to recognize that while on the surface “she” may appear to be important to him, NO ONE ELSE is important to him, every other person is simply an OBJECT OF SUPPLY.
As for his going to therapy 3 x a week—-THAT IS A PHONY PITY PLAY of “see how I am trying to be better?” See how I am TRYING? It must be YOUR fault. Research has shown that “therapy” only makes them worse, as it gives them the catch-words to appear compassionate and understanding. BULL HOCKEY!
Hopeful, I loved where he told you he would tell the story after you said you didn’t want to hear. CONTROL! Glad you hung up.
They violate our boundaries on little things or on big things because our boundaries mean nothing to them….we mean nothing to them. Take back your power gals!!!! NO CONTACT FOREVER!!!! TOWANDA!!!!! ((((hugs))))
Donna;
Thank you for the NC reminder and explanation!
I remember ‘when’ I decided NOT to return his crazy calls…..I taped them all, and when I got weak, rather than ‘reaching out’ to spath……I would relisten to the messages……to remind myslef I was making the right decision….
The messages started ‘nice’, ending with I love you EB, and by the 10th message it turned into ….You fat biatch, threat, threat, threat…..all within hours….
Pretty telling for the person who claimed love and devotion…..
Control much?
Hey Oxy Ox!
Yeesh! What the hairy heck happened to me? Wasn’t I just feeling like I was all that and then some a few days ago? I was eeling so strong and so good about receiving attention from healthy/nice men. Then, after he calls, I’m in a fetal position drowning in my own tears and snot.
About the “intermittent rewards”, you are right on the money. A few months ago when I was in my Psych class, the professor mentioned that this was the most POWERFUL type of conditioning, and once ingrained, very difficult to break, although the context he was referring to wasn’t about relationships. But, I recognized it instantly and thought, yes!!! It was a WOW moment.
I do actually think he is going to therapy, but I do remember him saying a long time ago that when he was going to this guy before, that he really wanted to “F*** with him.” Now, I’m sorry, but that isn’t what a normal person thinks. Also, in keeping with your assertion that they learn what to do and say, when I had given him that book I referred to, he told me, ominously, that I only “made it easier.”
When he was telling me his story that I didn’t want to listen to, I told him he was missing a sensitivity chip and he said, ” I know. I have to work on that. I’ve forgotten how to care.” UGH!!!!!!! And it got me because it sounds sincere. Really, I can’t tell you how much I aprreciate you and the others here @....... LF, because even though I am not on very often, I never feel unwelcome and you are so eager to offer your support here. I feel like I am going to be a mess the entire day. Can’t stop crying. But I gotta snap outa it and get back on track. I was so emotional last night, that after I hung up with him, I called him back, which I NEVER do, and through tears told him to delete my number immediately and to never contact me again. He hears me crying and sighs and sounds so sad and says that he will, and then I hang up. But all I think that I did was give him ammunition. Because although I tell him I hate him, he knows instintively that it’s only partially true. Callista is right when she posited that I still love this guy, even after everything he did. And as soon as she wrote it to me, I just burst into tears with the realization that it’s true, and I hate that it’s true. I’m even bawling while I write it to you. Good grief. No contact. Day 1.
A sad Hopeful6596~
Dear Hopeful,
(*(((hugs))))) Darling, you don’t love HIM, you love what you THOUGHT HE WAS….not what he IS. And Yep, it is hard to get that through your head. INTERMITTENT REINFORCEMENT has you coming back for another beating/head patting just like a kicked dog.
Also TRAUMA BOND which is intermittent reinforcement along with pain cessation. That’s what we do to horses, we pull on the reins (cause pain) and when they give to it, we REINFORCE it by letting up the pressure (releasing the pain) and they are EVER SO GRATEFUL when the pain stops. We might even pet them on the head…as long as they do what we want them to.
You are NOT A DOG, AND NOT A HORSE, you are an intelligent woman, and you CAN overcome that “trained brain” and PROTECT YOURSELF from the abuse he is wanting to heap on you!
Do come here often and DO read and learn, arm yourself with intellect until you can overcome the emotional conditioning! It WORKS I swear to you! I’m living proof it does, but I keep coming here because every time I “preach” to you or someone else, I am REINFORCING the knowledge in my own self.
All the knowledge in the world won’t help if you don’t apply it to yourself, and we’ve been “conditioned” to allow the abuse.
I am REVOLTING against my life long training, I am not going to be enslaved to abusive “mind control” like a ROBOT and a GOOD LITTLE SLAVE, I am going to be ME, AND FREE!!!
Viva la revolution!!!!!
Oxy,
That deserves a big ol’ TOWANDA if there ever was a deservin’.
Yeah, as Callista mentioned, the “training” began with my family. Although he left when I was two, by all accounts my father was a sociopath. I was left to live with my highly narcissistic mother whom I have been NC with for 10 months. So I am primed for people like my X. Trauma Bond! And how.
You know what I hate so much, Oxy? Is that when I point out the inconsistencies to him, he’ll say, like he did last night, that “you talk like these things are mutually exclusive. Either this or that.” In theory, he’s right. Things aren’t so black and white. So then he sounds like Mr. F****** Wisdom, which he is so good at. I just can’t stand it. Part of me wants him to be sick forever and not treat anyone well, and then I think I’m a jerk for thinkin’ that. It’s amazing how after I end of talking to him, I feel like a shell of more former self. My strong self just crumbles. And I am so not proud of breaking down and calling him last night to tell him to delete my number for good. He could hear how upset I was. Unbelievable that it IS an addiction, and if you get just a little, you’re back to square one.
I am taking your word for it that it works to keep informed, and I surely do read LF a lot, even if I don’t post. But I’d like to be posting a bit more for the newbies.
Thanks a bunch, Oxy. Hugs!
Hopeful6596~
Dear Hopeful,
LF is to us like AA is to drunks…keep on coming here for support, support others and learn more and reinforce it more in yourself.
I realize this time, with this set of interactions with multiple psychopaths in concert against me, and literally my life, that I am not going to “get healed” but will work on healing, work TOWARD healing as an alcoholic does, ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I’m in a good spot, much better than I ever was in my entire life, but still, I am VULNERABLE to that “first drink” dragging me back into the “bar”—only in my case it is a bad relationship. It doesn’t have to be a lover-type relationship, it can be ANYONE that I allow to abuse me as a friend, coworker, or whatever.
Thank goodness I am retired so don’t have to work with them, or disordered people, but the world is full of them. I have good friends and I TREASURE those friends. I stay NC from the living Psychopaths in my life, my P son, my X DIL, the Trojan Horse P, (though I do sort of keep up with him via the sexual offender registration site since he is the one who tried to kill my son C with a gun) but there is no emotional tie to that P, so I’m not upset by keeping tabs on him. The DIL I will occasionally run into her on the street but doesn’t bother me, never liked the biatch any way. So doesn’t upset me.
Long past the P X-BF, and haven’t run into him in years, don’t think it would bother me if I did. P-sperm donor died 3 summers ago, hadn’t seen him in 40 years, but did have some issues to resolve, they’re resolved, he’s a void. A dead void at that.
Don’t obsess over P-son like I did, not perfectly “done” with that but at least in a place I can “live with” what is left whtout too much pain.
Egg donor is NC except for the occasional e mail on business, and avoid running into her or her friends. Though a month or so ago when egg donor’s maid (who was dtr of one of egg donor’s friends) was killed in a car wreck, I sent a generous check and a sympathy card to her mother the friend. Check is cashed, no thank you note…that’s okay. I did what is right by community standards.
The woman who was killed was NOT one of my favorite people in the world. In fact the next to last time I saw her in public was after I found out she’d been running her mouth about lies about me all over the community and I offered to rearrange her dental work for free if I found out she was continuing to do it. (at that time I was still pretty raw) The last time I saw her in public, she scooted out of my way rapidly disappearing into the crowd.
The inconsistencies that he will come up with, are gaslighting and projection. They can, as Dr. Bob Hare says, “learn the words but not the music to the song.” They can learn about how to SAY they are sorry or compassionate, or sometimes even fake the facial expressions to go along with the words, but they don’t get the emotional music to go along with the words.
If you listen to the words you get one message, but if you look at the actions you see another one.
The old saying:
ACTIONS speak louder than words!
Turn the sound off and look at the actions. You will see the lies are there. THEY ARE THE LIE.
Keep on reading, there are upwards of 700 articles here. Read them all. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. Get your power back. NC and learning! leads toward healing!
Oxy, wow. You’ve been surrounded by Spath! I can’t imagine how difficult and painful it is to have a P son–one that tried to kill his own mother. Really, I just can’t imagine. And I get the sense that his parole will be denied again, but I’m guessing that as each hearing approaches, it’s pretty stressful. And of course, having a P mother, as I do, is the ultimate brutality. Mothers are supposed to protect us. We should be safe with them. Never the case with me and it certainly sounds like that would be accurate for you as well.
Last night the Spath said his ex left him after she got my email. keeping in mind, earlier this year when he called me he insisted that she knew EVERYTHING. He said this before she got the email. He got me so fired up and pissed off that I wrote the email telling her everything and to watch out. So, she left him. Now, if she already knew everything, then there would have been no shock, right? And then he says last night that, ” you don’t KNOW that I’m still doing those things.” And he’s right, I don’t. I hate this man.
Hopeful6596
Family Conciliation Courts & their psychologists who teach ‘parenting class’, really need to get educated. They are totally ignorant.